Lords:

Topics:

The Pantone college experience
Why is everyone with superpowers a crime fighter or a criminal
Sell me on metal utensils
Grand Avenue, by Ron Koertge
- https://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php%3Fdate=2014%252F10%252F19.html
- Abridged version: https://allpoetry.com/poem/14373111-Grand-Avenue-by-Ronald-Koertge
Toothpaste is traditionally spicy

Microtopics:

Just Judy.
Telling your friends you love them.
Taking a break from the Internet and staring at the ceiling.
Realizing you need to take a break and then trying to figure out what you need to take a break from.
Doing absolutely nothing for ten minutes.
People who enjoy meditation explaining that you just need to meditate harder.
Taking a depressing game and remaking it, reframing it as relaxing.
Tetromino Chill.
Asking "do I have the flu?" in French.
Clicking on a wav file of Sleepwalk by Santo and Johnny and thinking "computer music is cool"
Your college's particular shade of purple.
The proliferation of this exact shade of purple now that Pantone has made it possible to exactly reproduce a color.
The reason why can't we tell who's buff and sexy any more.
Going to college to get sick of a particular color.
Whether any place is as intensely branded as a college campus.
What the founding fathers would think of this college campus' branding.
James Madison inventing the signature duplicator.
James Madison insisting that his entire family sleep sitting up.
Colors that you can't use until you really mean it.
Colors that are not allowed in the bathroom.
Pantone inventing a way to pee any known color.
Boom Box Guy.
The professor with the glasses with two different color lenses who is constantly complaining about JMU Purple.
Having jaws strong enough to eat bones and eating way more bones than you used to.
Topics that have been in the bucket since the inception of the bucket.
Unlimited energy. (Not limited energy.)
Why isn't Superman using his x-ray vision to watch TV better than anyone?
Lois Lane wearing superman's shirt.
Using your x-ray vision to make sure ant colonies aren't siphoning money out of bank vaults.
Advising strangers on the street that they have an untreated medical condition and they're like "go away creep"
The spoon doing a catapult move because the handle is too heavy, and flinging chili everywhere.
Plastic utensils for adults.
Hitting the age when doctors start saying things like "let's see if we can get a couple more good years out of you"
Whether the fork ever touches your tongue.
Ceramic spoons.
Melamine, the plastic material manufactured on Alf's home planet.
Handsome Korean wooden spoons.
Just slurping down a whole bowl of guacamole.
Everyday Carry Forks.
Metal utensils: so good, you carry them around.
Trying to eat a leaf of lettuce with an extremely heavy fork.
Eating a meal with a pickaxe and a pronged shovel.
Turning the corner by Señor Fish.
Different ways to kil for somebody.
A punch-line that was not set up in the descriptive part of the poem.
A poem that is a subset of another poem.
Where is the wacky misunderstanding that I was promised?
A bumper sticker reading "you just got passed by a bad driver (AI)"
Slapping the "artificial intelligence" label on everything you write so people blame AI.
Cinnamon toothpaste and ginger toothpaste.
Conventionally spicy toothpaste.
Toothpaste that doesn't taste like anything. (You know, for cats!)
Spicy tuna toothpaste and black pepper toothpaste.
Rinsing your mouth with lemon cleanser so your mouth can feel lemon fresh.
Pure Piperin.
Tubes: they're for squeezing.
Phosphoric acid toothpaste.

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