unSeminary Podcast Episode Summary

Episode Title: Breaking Free: Addressing Sexual Brokenness in the Church with Nick Stumbo
Host: Rich Birch
Guest: Nick Stumbo, Executive Director of Pure Desire
Release Date: January 30, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode tackles one of the church’s most widespread but least discussed challenges: sexual brokenness, and specifically, the pervasive struggle with pornography among Christians. Rich Birch welcomes Nick Stumbo, whose personal and pastoral experience with sexual addiction informs his leadership at Pure Desire Ministries. Together, they explore why sexual struggles are so persistent in the church, what real healing looks like, and how churches can become safe places that facilitate deep transformation.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Nick Stumbo’s Story & Pure Desire’s Mission

• Personal Background: Nick shares his journey as a former lead pastor, his struggle with pornography, and how finding Pure Desire's approach to sexual healing transformed his marriage and ministry ([01:45]).
  • Quote: “This isn't just a job or another ministry. It's a passion that we're living.” — Nick Stumbo [03:29]
• Ministry Connection: Nick emphasizes that leading Pure Desire is personal—he found healing there and now guides others on the same path.

The Nature of Sexual Brokenness in the Church

• Prevalence: Referencing Barna statistics: 75% of Christian men and 40% of Christian women view porn at least occasionally, with 2/3 of pastors having a history with it; about 20% still actively struggle ([03:42]).
• Why it’s Pervasive:
  • Sexuality is a core aspect of human identity, rooted in being made in God’s image.
  • Culture is “overrun by sexuality,” and Christians are often immaturely discipled in this area ([04:22]).
  • The church typically offers “thin” answers—prayer, confession, but little about “why” people run to these behaviors ([01:45], [04:22]).
• Memorable Analogy: Teaching sexuality compared to teaching a child how to eat—without training and discipleship, unhealthy patterns are inevitable ([04:22]).

Critique of Traditional Approaches & Pure Desire’s Model

• Traditional Accountabilities: Criticized as “sin management” rather than genuine healing—they address behavior, not root causes ([07:25]).
  • Quote: “Pornography is not necessarily the problem… but the symptom of much deeper issues.” — Nick Stumbo [08:21]
• Healing Approach: Long-term (8–10 months), group-based processes focused on unpacking core wounds, beliefs, and shame. Healing is not about behavior modification, but about changing one’s heart and mind over time ([07:25]-[11:49]).
  • Quote: “We’re not here to change a behavior. We’re here to change the way you do life.” — Nick Stumbo [10:44]

The Local Church as the Center for Healing

• Church’s Role: Healing should be church-centered, not outsourced. The best environment: committed, confidential small groups within the church itself ([13:04]).

  • Quote: “We have seen so consistently that what creates healing is walking through a transformative experience with a small group of other people who are committed to you, committed to the process, and committed to their own healing.” — Nick Stumbo [13:18]

• Safe Place + Safe Process: Churches must be both a safe place (grace-filled culture that talks openly about sexuality) and have a safe process (clear next steps, groups, resources for anyone seeking help) ([13:04]-[18:29]).

  • Avoid “othering” language (“those people with sexual addiction”).
  • Regularly mention sexual struggles as part of being human, not just during special sermons.

What Do Pure Desire Groups Really Look Like?

• Inclusivity: Not just a men’s issue—acknowledges the growing number of women struggling and the impact on spouses ([19:00]).
• Structure: Material-based, not merely book clubs. Groups focus on individual self-work during the week and sharing in the group; everyone processes their own story ([19:00]-[23:52]).
  • “You share openly by simply reading what you wrote,” Nick says, highlighting practical vulnerability ([20:17]).
• Deeper Focus: Many are surprised at how little discussion is on the behavior itself; the curriculum targets root issues, “soul lies,” and blind spots.
• Support for Churches: Pure Desire provides extensive training, ongoing support, and resources for group leaders.

Equipping Staff & Leadership Teams for Openness

• Ministry Leaders Also Struggle: Most seminary-trained leaders have received no real discipleship in their own sexuality ([25:25]).
• Culture of Discipleship over Discipline: Nick recommends churches proactively offer healing opportunities for staff, making it an expected part of spiritual growth—not just a corrective for moral crises ([25:25]-[29:13]).
  • Quote: “We too often wait for it to be a discipline issue when we could start out with it being a discipleship issue.” — Nick Stumbo [26:31]
• Safe, Confidential Spaces: Online groups for pastors/staff are available if in-church options are limited.

Tools & Resources for Churches

• eBooks: “Five Steps to Freedom from Pornography” and “Seven Keys to Overcome Betrayal” are practical, brief introductions that demystify the recovery process for strugglers and betrayed spouses ([31:23]).
• Sexual Integrity 101 Video Series: Eight-part video series designed as the “101” course for church leaders, teams, or small groups ([33:55]).
  • Includes voices from a diverse set of experts and recovery stories.
  • Quote: “It’s your entry level class to understand sexual addiction from a biblical perspective and to see a pathway to healing.” — Nick Stumbo [34:09]

Words of Encouragement and Final Challenge

• Don’t Avoid the Issue: Nick urges leaders not to let the topic’s size or complexity freeze them into inaction—Pure Desire provides 80% of the structure; the church only needs to add their context and leadership ([36:00]).
  • Quote: “Don’t run from it. Don’t think it’s too big. We’ve done the hard work and we’re here to help…” — Nick Stumbo [38:14]
• Missional Opportunity: Sexual healing isn’t just for the church — the world is desperate for it and the church can shine a redemptive light ([36:00]).

Notable Quotes

• “The origin of this is not sin. The origin of this is—we are sexual beings made in the image of God.” — Nick Stumbo [04:24]
• “Pornography is a pseudo solution to a real problem.” — Nick Stumbo [08:47]
• “We want to treat sexuality as a people problem. Too often, churches still want this to be a men’s problem, but…this is a people problem, not a men’s problem.” — Nick Stumbo [19:02]
• “There’s not a single seminary or Bible college that is proactively equipping future pastors in the area of their own sexuality.” — Nick Stumbo [25:44]
• “You can do this. While the topic itself can be challenging, a healing system of groups isn’t as difficult as it might sound... and together we can make a kingdom-sized difference.” — Nick Stumbo [36:57]

Timestamps for Critical Segments

• 01:45 — Nick’s personal journey and the limits of “thin” church teachings around sexual struggles
• 03:42 — Hard statistics: the scope of porn use among Christians and pastors
• 04:22 — Why sexual struggles persist: identity, lack of discipleship, and cultural pressure
• 07:25 — The difference between sin management and true healing; understanding root causes
• 13:04 — The church as healer: shifting from outsourcing to embracing group-based recovery
• 19:00 — Practical structure of Pure Desire groups and why it’s more than “just” a men’s issue
• 25:25 — Equipping staff: moving from shame to a proactive discipleship culture
• 31:23 — Ebooks for quick wins and foundational understanding
• 33:55 — The eight-part video series, Sexual Integrity 101
• 36:00–38:52 — Encouragement and challenge for churches intimidated by the scale of the problem

Useful Links & Resources

• Pure Desire: puredesire.org
  • Group locator, resources, group leader support, eBooks, and video series
• Free eBooks: “Five Steps to Freedom from Pornography” & “Seven Keys to Overcome Betrayal” ([31:23])
• Sexual Integrity 101 Course Series ([33:55])

Closing Takeaways

• Every Church Needs This: The problem is endemic; ignoring it only guarantees its continuance in darkness. Pure Desire’s resources are tested, accessible, and designed for the local church context.
• Culture Begins with Leadership: Leaders must model openness and engage proactively, not reactively, with sexual discipleship—making real healing part of the ministry’s DNA, not just crisis management.
• Last Encouragement: “You can do this. We can help.” — Nick Stumbo [38:52]

For full resources discussed, go to PureDesire.org.