Why He Says This Is A Waste Of Time

"It's not a character flaw, it's a chemical state."

In this episode of Untethering Shame, I sit down with Alexander Pujol, a former physician assistant turned performance coach and founder of Quantum Human Performance, to talk about what is actually happening inside a man when he goes cold, shuts down, or tells you the conversation you are trying to have is a waste of his time.

Alex has spent eight years working with Division I athletes, ballerinas, golfers, and business owners, and he kept finding the same pattern underneath the performance. The people who managed pressure best did it by staying cold through challenge, and that coldness followed them home. What looks like dismissal in a relationship is often residue from a skill that was rewarded everywhere else.

We get into why a conversation without a clear goal can register in the nervous system as a threat, and what happens next when adrenaline and cortisol narrow focus and amplify that threat into anger. Alex is direct about the fact that most men cannot name shame when they are in it. They only find it by working backwards from why they are so angry.

He also gets honest about his own life. The burnout four years ago that made him stop. The divorce, and reading a book afterward that finally gave him the word for what he had been doing for years without knowing it. Losing his father and immediately starting a 2,000 square foot build out because grief was easier to replace than feel. And the one question he started asking his partner that changed how he shows up in every relationship since.

If there is one idea I want you to carry out of this conversation, it is this: the skill was never installed. Nobody taught these men how to sit with an emotion, so there is nothing to fix, only something to practice. As Alex puts it, what we practice grows.

This conversation is for you if...

Someone you love goes silent or cold the moment things get hard, and you have started taking it personally
You are the one who shuts down, and you have never had language for why
You keep hearing "I don't want to talk about it" and you do not know what to do with that
You were raised to fix, perform, and protect, and you are realizing that none of that taught you how to feel
You are parenting a boy and you want to interrupt the pattern before it sets

Connect with Alex

Alexander Pujol is a former physician assistant turned performance coach and founder of Quantum Human Performance, where he helps athletes and high performers optimize their mind, body, and emotional resilience. Drawing from neuroscience, breathwork, and his own journey through burnout and recovery, he teaches a holistic approach to self-belief, flow, and sustainable performance. Alex is also the author of Spectrum: A Galvanizing Journey, where he shares the principles behind transforming adversity into growth and purpose.

Website: oneqhp.com
Instagram: @q.h.p._wellness
Facebook: alex.pujol.777
LinkedIn: Alexander Pujol

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