Why do we escape, what are we really running from, and what does it actually take to stop?

In this episode of Untethering Shame, I sit down with psychotherapist Jessica Fern and restorative justice facilitator David Cooley, co-authors of a new book built around the shame triangle. We go deeper into the four types of escapers: over-functioning, under-functioning, other emotions, and aggression, and how each one is a nervous system response to the weight of shame and the inner critic.

All three of us bring our own lived experience to the table, so the concepts land as personal and immediately recognizable. We talk about how society rewards certain forms of escape (hello, hustle culture), why most therapy and self-help stop at the symptom level, and how to move from the shame triangle into the self-love triangle: escapers become inner nurturers, and the inner critic becomes an inner coach.

What You'll Learn

Escapism is a nervous system response, not a character flaw
The inner critic is built from the outside in, as a survival strategy
The 4 escaper types: over-functioning, under-functioning, other emotions, aggression
Why productivity culture makes over-functioning invisible
Why treating the symptom (anxiety, perfectionism, addiction) is not enough
How the shame triangle shifts into a self-love triangle
Healing means expanding your window of tolerance, not eliminating discomfort
The inner critic is loud, but it is not truth
Start with one part: the critic, the shame, or the escapers. Just get to know it.

Connect with Our Guests

Jessica Fern, psychotherapist and author of Polysecure: JessicaFern.com
David Cooley, creator of Restorative Relationship Conversations: restorativerelationship.com

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