Adore Your Life feat. Vanity Ware

Summary

Podcast Summary: We Talk Back – Episode: Adore Your Life feat. Vanity Ware

Episode Information:

• Title: Adore Your Life feat. Vanity Ware
• Hosts: TamBam and A.J. Holiday
• Guest: Vanity Weir
• Release Date: July 31, 2025
• Produced by: The Black Effect and iHeartPodcasts

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Introduction and Hosts' Catch-Up

The episode kicks off with the hosts, TamBam and A.J. Holiday, reconnecting after a brief hiatus. They share personal updates, discussing their weekends and the challenges of balancing work and personal time.

• A.J. Holiday [01:06]: "What weekend? Okay, because I literally had a day and a half to myself yesterday."
• TamBam [01:25]: "I guess my week. I work every weekend, so it don't feel no different for me."

Fertility Rate Decline in the U.S.

TamBam introduces a significant topic: the declining fertility rate in the United States, dropping to an all-time low of 1.6 children per woman in 2024. She delves into the possible reasons behind this trend, including economic concerns, delayed marriages, and inadequate support systems like parental leave and affordable childcare.

• TamBam [04:50]: "Is not having babies like they used to. Not in America anyway."

A.J. Holiday adds personal insights, contemplating fertility challenges and the increasing reliance on solutions like in vitro fertilization (IVF).

• A.J. Holiday [06:15]: "As somebody who will probably have to do in vitro, like no doctor has said, I can't conceive naturally, but I have one tube, right."

T App Hacking and Privacy Concerns

The conversation shifts to a recent incident where the T App, designed to help women identify red-flag men and catch cheaters, was hacked. The breach exposed around 72,000 user-submitted images, including selfies and photo IDs, raising significant privacy and security concerns.

• A.J. Holiday [10:45]: "The T app was recently hacked after going viral, exposing 72,000 user photos."

TamBam humorously relates to the issue, revealing her limited interaction with the app.

• TamBam [11:09]: "I know my selfie up there."

Dating Dynamics: Predators and Money Manipulation

The hosts delve into the complexities of modern dating, particularly the predatory behaviors exhibited by some men. They share personal anecdotes and discuss how both men and women can manipulate situations for personal gain.

• A.J. Holiday [16:54]: "Women do that too. Women be predators. Women are apex predators."

They emphasize the importance of setting boundaries and recognizing red flags to avoid being exploited emotionally and financially.

Balancing Success and Personal Life as Black Women in Tech

The guest segment introduces Vanity Weir, a certified life and business coach with over 13 years of experience in the tech industry. Vanity discusses the unique challenges Black women face in corporate tech roles, including burnout and the pressure to code-switch to fit into predominantly white environments.

• Vanity Weir [30:05]: "Some roles in tech don't require you to be super techie. It's about tailoring your existing skills to fit into the tech industry."

Code-Switching and Authenticity in Corporate Environments

TamBam and Vanity engage in a deep conversation about code-switching, exploring how Black women navigate professional settings while striving to remain authentic to their cultural identities.

• TamBam [33:31]: "I don't really believe in code switching. I believe in literally being yourself."
• Vanity Weir [34:02]: "You deserve to be in that room. You add value."

They highlight the emotional toll of constantly adjusting one's demeanor and language to meet corporate expectations, advocating for environments that embrace diversity and authenticity.

Life Coaching vs. Therapy

The discussion moves to the distinctions between life coaching and therapy. Vanity explains that while therapy focuses on addressing past traumas and emotional healing, life coaching centers on setting and achieving future goals, providing accountability and celebration of achievements.

• Vanity Weir [46:17]: "Therapy focuses on your past, while life coaching helps you set and achieve your goals in the present."

Social Media and Mental Health

The hosts critique the pervasive influence of social media on mental health, urging listeners to disconnect and live in the moment rather than constantly documenting it.

• A.J. Holiday [67:06]: "We don't even know how to live in a moment. We're taking a picture of the moment and not even living the moment."
• TamBam [68:33]: "Are you really living? Are you just a walking Truman Show?"

They advocate for reprogramming one's inner algorithm to prioritize real-life experiences over virtual validation.

Navigating Friendships and Boundaries with Men

A significant portion of the episode addresses the complexities of male-female friendships, particularly the blurred lines that often lead to sexual advances and misunderstandings. The hosts stress the importance of clear boundaries and communication to maintain platonic relationships without ulterior motives.

• TamBam [54:34]: "They are not your friends. The only friend you got..."
• A.J. Holiday [56:00]: "No, they are not your friends."

Advice from Vanity Weir on Entering Tech

Vanity provides actionable advice for individuals looking to pivot into the tech industry, emphasizing that technical expertise isn't the only pathway. She encourages leveraging transferable skills from other fields, such as customer service or project management, to secure roles in tech.

• Vanity Weir [40:34]: "Tailor your existing skills to fit into tech. If you have experience in customer service, relate that to a business analyst role."

She also discusses the impact of AI in recruitment processes and offers tips on optimizing resumes to pass through automated screening systems.

Conclusion and Key Takeaways

The episode wraps up with the hosts emphasizing the importance of self-love, setting boundaries, and pursuing personal and professional growth. They encourage listeners to engage with Vanity's coaching services and utilize the provided journals to document their journey toward adoring their lives.

• Vanity Weir [82:25]: "You can find me on social media at adorecoachvanity. I book sessions and host events to support Black women in tech."

Notable Quotes

• A.J. Holiday [03:45]: "It's like the Truman Show. I'm just riding and somebody's controlling the button."
• TamBam [17:57]: "Did you not listen to flew out 101 girlfriend. You need to go back to season one, baby girl."
• Vanity Weir [31:29]: "Make sure you're saying your affirmations and building community. Go to therapy."

Final Thoughts

"We Talk Back" delivers a candid and insightful discussion on various issues affecting Black women, particularly those navigating professional landscapes like tech. With relatable anecdotes, humor, and expert advice from Vanity Weir, the episode offers valuable perspectives on personal growth, professional challenges, and the importance of community support.

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Connect with Vanity Weir:

• Instagram: @adorecoachvanity
• Website: Adore Your Life

Follow the Hosts:

• A.J. Holiday: @AJHoliday2.0
• TamBam: @TamBamOfficial

Join the Conversation: Tune in every Thursday on the iHeartRadio app or your favorite podcast platform to catch the latest episodes of "We Talk Back."

Transcript

[A.J. Holiday]

This is an iHeart podcast.

[Carlos Miller]

Taking control of your career is empowering. Just don't tell my boss I said that. Building a career isn't just about a job. It's about creating a path that impacts our community and future generations. Whether you're starting out or making big moves, State Farm is here to support you with resources to help protect what you're working hard to achieve. They've got your back every step of the way. Because, like, a good neighbor state forum is there. Find out [e-mail] welcome to We Talk.

[A.J. Holiday]

Back Podcast, a production of iHeartRadio and the Black Effect Network.

[Tam Bam]

We're just two unapologetically black women with an opinion who Talk Back.

[A.J. Holiday]

What's up, y'? All? Thank you for tuning in for a new episode of We Talk Back. It's your girl, A.J. holiday. What's up, Tam Bam, y'?

[Tam Bam]

All? It's big Tam Bam. I love y' all so, so, so very much. And I missed y'.

[A.J. Holiday]

All.

[Tam Bam]

Thank y' all for coming back. How was your weekend, aj?

[A.J. Holiday]

What weekend? Okay, because I literally had a day and a half to myself yesterday. Last week. Okay. That's all I had. Excuse me. A half a day, Not a day and a half because we were working. What you mean you wasn't working this past weekend? Because I was.

[Tam Bam]

Oh, yeah, that was one day.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, but the weekend is only consists of two days, right? So I worked Saturday and half a Sunday. So, yeah, I had a half a day off last week.

[Tam Bam]

I guess my week. I work every weekend, so it don't feel no different for me.

[A.J. Holiday]

I be needing a day to decompress. A full day to decompress. I. I didn't get it. So, yeah, I did get rolled by a hag Sunday night and my air conditioner went out. That was very weird.

[Tam Bam]

Oh, yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

I said some mean shit about somebody before I went to sleep. So I'm like, damn, they mama probably came and fucked with me.

[Tam Bam]

I had an interesting dream last night as well. I. I think I'm really healing. Like, I had a dream that my current self was going back to my childhood self. And, like, during, like, moments that I remember of, like, some type of trauma, I was telling my childhood self that I was never going to leave her and that she is okay. And I remember literally picking my childhood self up and hugging her in different situations. Like, I was in the window looking, like, waiting on my daddy, and I came and got myself out of the window, and I was like, come here, I got you. I'm never Gonna be. Ain't that crazy?

[A.J. Holiday]

Yes. And that makes me want to cry a little bit because that is the one thing I can remember about my fucking daddy is leaving me.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

And I'm waiting for him at the window, looking at him leave, waiting, waiting.

[Tam Bam]

For him to come.

[A.J. Holiday]

Oh, I'm watching my daddy pull off when he said I can go with him.

[Tam Bam]

So I think that was. I was like, am I healing myself subconsciously in my sleep?

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah. I mean, that's when we do our most work for real. You know what I'm saying? Like, really, that's when you're awake. This life right here, this like a little simulation. Sometimes when I'm driving on a highway and like the sky looks like super clear and super beautiful, I really be feeling like I'm in a Truman show. I'm just riding and somebody's like somewhere controlling the button, manipulating me for real. And I'm just like, like, present but not present. You know what I'm saying? So. Yeah.

[Tam Bam]

Have you ever driven home and then got home and like. I don't remember none of the ride.

[A.J. Holiday]

All the time, bitch. Driving to Charlotte on Saturday. I don't know how I got there. Yeah, I just appeared. Bitch had me down on the phone, all type of shit mixing up and just. I don't know. Thank you, God.

[Tam Bam]

Thank you, God. That's what I be like, because I don't know how I made it here. I don't remember playing attention to a lick of that ride. Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

Thank you, God. That's all you can say, man. He gets you where you're going at safely, even when your ass ain't paying no attention. Chad. Right? But yeah, my weekend was a bunch of. Oh, I did go out Sunday. I did go out to eat and stuff with my. My niece was in town. That's always nice. Shout out to Aaron. I love my knees so much.

[Tam Bam]

She's very.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yes, she's a.

[Tam Bam]

She's a scorpio, though, so she so not always sweet.

[A.J. Holiday]

No. That will strike your ass. Okay. But for the most part, my nieces and nephew are some good people.

[Tam Bam]

Amen to that. Let's get in the sins.

[A.J. Holiday]

What we got going on, child?

[Tam Bam]

The fertility rate in the u. S. Dropped to an all time low in 2024 with less than 1.6 kids per woman. New federal data shows. It says the decline might be driven by women delaying or foregoing childbirth due to economic concerns, later marriages, and inadequ support like parental leave and affordable child care. Historically, the rate was around 3.5 in the 1960s they was busting it wide open and having babies back then and then peaked at replacement level 2.1 in 2007 and now aligns with Western Europe countries. European countries. So despite an increase 1% increase in total births, race declined for most age groups with adjustments attributed to updated since his population estimates estimates incorporating immigration. So yeah, is not having babies like they used to. Not in America anyway.

[A.J. Holiday]

Why you skipped that last part.

[Tam Bam]

Oh, you wanted me to go into that?

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, go into that. It's very important.

[Tam Bam]

The Trump administration has promoted measures like expanded IVF access and baby bonuses to boost rates. But experts like Leslie Root and Karen those will argue there's no cause for alarm viewing it is a fertility delay amid ongoing population growth and criticizes the policies as symbolic rather than addressing core needs.

[A.J. Holiday]

Okay, so as somebody who will probably have to do in vitro, like no doctor has said, I can't conceive naturally, but I have one tube, right. So the safest way probably for me to conceive would be via in vitro. My old job. The deductible used to be $100. That's it. There are more women having fertility issues than waiting to have a baby, I believe. And I think there's a lot of changes that happened in the last decade in America that's probably causing more women not to be able to conceive because how many women do you know having problems getting pregnant?

[Tam Bam]

Honestly, not that many. I don't know. I don't know many. That many people that are trying to get pregnant right now. My peers have had they kids.

[A.J. Holiday]

I still got a couple homegirls with no kids. You know what I'm saying?

[Tam Bam]

They want kids. Most of the ones that don't have kids either lying about not wanting them or don't want them, you know.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, a couple, a couple of my friends like don't want kids, but for the most part like they might be delaying, you know, because of course you want to get your husband first. But I mean you start them years start passing by like what we doing? So I do have a couple friends who froze their eggs. So they. That's really not fertility issues. Actually one she had, she was like perimenopausal. So she froze her eggs but she ended up conceiving okay naturally, no problem. So I think there's a lot of, there's a lot more things that's contributing to the decline in the birth rate. So now they want to pay people like in China and shit like that. They be trying to pay people now and have babies when all before they were like putting a, like a cut off, right? How many have. How many kids a family could have? So maybe they're about to start doing that in America. If y' all ever traveled through middle America, like just driven, like from the east to the west coast, it's a lot. Like, most people only live on the outside of the country. We are not overpopulated. It's like concentrated areas, right. The major cities that are overcrowded with a bunch of people. Like, we're all living in one area.

[Tam Bam]

Right.

[A.J. Holiday]

But shit, if you want to get some land and build some shit in Montana somewhere, you can have a whole town to yourself.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah, a whole lot.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah.

[Tam Bam]

Some black families, like on ig, like buying, laying out there and putting big ass homes on it.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, I want to do that, you know, because I do not aspire to, you know, people like, oh, my kids, my kids go to a white school. We live in an all white neighborhood. I don't have black neighbors. That is not what I aspire to have. Okay? Yes, I would love to live in a neighborhood with a bunch of black people. Affluent, FL families with money. And they being.

[Tam Bam]

Being someone who went to school and was in classes with only white students is not good.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, it's not a flex.

[Tam Bam]

No shade to white people. Like, they cool or whatever. But when you don't have nobody that look like you in class, you get alienated.

[A.J. Holiday]

So, yeah, y' all know I believe in social engineering. Okay. I feel like everything is always like trying to. Like, everything is always. Everything in life is marketing, right? This show is marketing. We got ads running through it. TV is marketing. You get like, what, 15 minutes of TV and how many minutes of commercials? So when, when, when everybody starts doing something, I'm going right when everybody else going left. That T app that just came out that went viral that all the podcasts are talking about, is just all on social media just all of a sudden, like, who told y' all to talk about this? See, people got to be conscious of like, are you doing this because you want to? So now we're talking about on the back end. Now this is the bad part of this app. So apparently the T app was recently hacked after going viral exposing 72,000. 72,000 user photos. So the T app, designed to help women spot red flag men and catch cheaters, has been hacked after going viral this week. The app announced it it had discovered unauthorized access archive data system. In a statement on social media Friday, the data system held an estimated 72,000. Why am I adding the number with user 72,000 user submitted images, including 13,000 image images of selfies, some of which included photo IDs submitted during account verification. In addition, 59,000 images publicly viewable in the app from posts. Comments and direct messages from other two years. Excuse me, from over two years were also accessed. So this app ain't even that old, but anyway, major marketing.

[Tam Bam]

I know my selfie up there.

[A.J. Holiday]

You signed up for this app?

[Tam Bam]

Well, I didn't make it that far. I just did the selfie portion, and. And that was as far as I got.

[A.J. Holiday]

So here's the thing. I saw this, but it was ugly.

[Tam Bam]

They was like, nobody will see this selfie. That's what they said in that shit. So I was like, look. Looking like, this is not a cute selfie.

[A.J. Holiday]

Now your selfie about to be on an AI character, right? Okay. So, yeah, the app got hacked, so now it's a whole hot mess, right? But then I also saw this other Instagram user. She put a post up, and she was saying, y' all bitches, y' all women better be glad that men. Now, I don't believe that men aren't chatty patties. I actually believe men probably talk shit about women even more. Like, you know, amongst themselves, amongst their. Their peers. But imagine if men were to have an app talking about who all they done smash, what red flags you got, what your bathroom look like, what that microwave look like, right? Putting your picture up for other men to comment and add on to your body count, essentially. Like, y' all bitches would commit suicide.

[Tam Bam]

The app would fail.

[A.J. Holiday]

Y' all would kill yourselves if people really know. I always used to say, man, if my dog or my cat could talk, okay, that is what this would be equivalent to. Y' all would. Y' all risk.

[Tam Bam]

Dash would be like, she's a hope. Meow.

[A.J. Holiday]

I swear to God, Bella used to be, like, barking at me like, what the fuck is my water? But, yeah, y' all were really, like. I feel like a lot of people, a lot of women would literally die. I don't think we can handle the shit we be putting men through. We already can't handle, like, criticism, and we can't handle the truth a lot.

[Tam Bam]

That's why I never go on that pop the balloon shit. I would never go on no shit like that.

[A.J. Holiday]

Me neither. Me neither. That shit is. I don't know. It's just. I got some other things about that. Have you watched it on Netflix yet? I hadn't.

[Tam Bam]

I tried. It was terrible.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, because it's different, right on Netflix. That's what I heard. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think women can deal with rejection well, you know what I'm saying? We're not used to getting rejected. At least a man want to at least have sex with you, and they could turn your pussy down. Like, oh, my God, the world is about to end.

[Tam Bam]

Right? That's because we're not typically the ones who are doing the approaching, you know, that's why we don't have to be rejected as much.

[A.J. Holiday]

We don't do it publicly. Definitely be hopping in men's inboxes because some of friends be showing me the messages of women that, you know, be in the inbox. And, oh, I definitely be sneaking the geeking.

[Tam Bam]

Do you drink coffee? Okay, Are you married? Do you like coffee?

[A.J. Holiday]

In the same way, like, you might never respond to a guy, and he can, like, stays in your dm. Women be doing that same shit, right?

[Tam Bam]

And if they don't say nothing back, I'm like, okay, well, he's gay, so next.

[A.J. Holiday]

Obviously.

[Tam Bam]

Clearly.

[A.J. Holiday]

So y' all better stop partaking in that, man, if y' all don't want these men to come up with some on us, man. Because listen, Lord, listen, here's the thing.

[Tam Bam]

What could they really. I think about that, and I'm like, what could they really say if a.

[A.J. Holiday]

Hundred, two hundred, three hundred men post, they smash? Because some women out here got that.

[Tam Bam]

Type of body count, that kind of body count.

[A.J. Holiday]

Some women got that type of body body count, and they on this app, like, men ain't. Not to say you ain't just because you got a high body count. That's not what I'm saying. But I mean, like, you know, you leave it is. Is open for judgment.

[Tam Bam]

Okay, then will come on. Like, if they could just tap and say I hit too, it's gonna be, who lying? I definitely got bodies I never got right.

[A.J. Holiday]

Like, who? Who? Yeah, So I don't know. Y' all better be careful. Be careful when y' all exposing these guys, man. Karma.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah. But sometimes these be needing exposing. Sometimes I like. I'm not talking about, like, guys who are just out here dating and having their way, you know, and is mad. I'm talking about, like, real life predators.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah. But then, you know, I seen this one thing.

[Tam Bam]

I said, hold on. I seen this one thing where this was going on a date with a girl. She picked him up from his apartment complex, and he said, can we run by McDonald's and get my mom and brother some food real quick before we go? So they went to McDonald's and ordered the food. And then he was like, oh, I left the wallet in the house. So she paid for it. Right. He took her back to the apartment and drop it off. And he never came back downstairs and blocked her phone number. Apparently he was getting his baby mama and son food from the McDonald's and used her. They was broke.

[A.J. Holiday]

Damn.

[Tam Bam]

Be predators.

[A.J. Holiday]

Women do that too. Women be predators. Women are apex predators. Okay, let's be clear. When we want get your ass up out of here. We gonna do whatever we gotta do too. Yeah. So we're not gonna act like women don't be using men for food. Like women literally have name programmed in.

[Tam Bam]

Their phone as a restaurant.

[A.J. Holiday]

Applebee's. I don't know, whatever. Applebee's crazy. Aim high nasty. Yeah. So we're not gonna act like women don't do that type of scammy shit. And guess what? And guess what's not happening. A man is not putting them on an app about it. Yeah, they just move on. They might not ever say your name. They may talk about the story, but they not exposing you in the way that women be exposing men.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah, you're right.

[A.J. Holiday]

I just don't think it's cool. And then the predatorial thing, like I understand that. Right. But then I also don't believe every woman that's involved in a me too movement. Because you see what's happening now? Women lie. We don't act like women don't lie. Women are not always honest.

[Tam Bam]

That's why I said believe a woman.

[A.J. Holiday]

No, no.

[Tam Bam]

Because she's still just a person, you know?

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah. And let's not act like we don't have lying, deceitful ass female friends. Like we know the type of shit some of our friends be doing.

[Tam Bam]

Right.

[A.J. Holiday]

Well, I try not to associate myself with somebody super. Like creepy, super shade. Yeah. Because when is my. It's my turn. My turn coming up. Yeah. So.

[Tam Bam]

All right. So it says here Lakers Deandre Ayton. I think that's how you say it. Accused of stranded IG model and Turks and Caicos after she refused to sleep with him. So this girl came to Turks and Caicos and when she wouldn't give him none, she got left and she was stranded there.

[A.J. Holiday]

How are you stranded? Did you not have any money?

[Tam Bam]

Did you not listen to flew out 101 girlfriend. You need to go back to season one, baby girl. We taught you what to do when getting flew out because you're never stranded. If you got money and exactly got no money, you should not go nowhere Your mama should have taught you that.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah. I wonder if this is the person in the image because, you know, sometimes they just be putting people. I mean, why they give her name, his name, but not hers? I don't be. I don't always be like going with the illustration, so. Because I know they'll use random ass people.

[Tam Bam]

Well, I just seen a couple different illustrations. It looked like the same female.

[A.J. Holiday]

Okay, well, I mean, you ain't never stranded. Or maybe just. She just. It's just maybe semantics. I don't know. But yeah, you ain't never stranded if you got money. Like I would enjoy my vacation, I'll go get me a resort and be chilling.

[Tam Bam]

Okay.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah. And you around and meet somebody you actually like. Because I don't. I really don't feel like women fly out with no intention. Intention on having sex. Something happens and it turns the off.

[Tam Bam]

Right.

[A.J. Holiday]

And now you're not getting none because.

[Tam Bam]

I'm not about to go to. No, but that don't mean you gonna get it just because you bought a plane ticket.

[A.J. Holiday]

Right.

[Tam Bam]

I'm not gonna have sex with you, period.

[A.J. Holiday]

Exactly.

[Tam Bam]

And I wouldn't give a. Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

So yeah. Don't be going flying out nowhere. First of all, if you don't want to smash, I feel like you should stay.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah. If you know that you coming and you leaving your at home, you should stay home too.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yes. You know, because what are you doing?

[Tam Bam]

Because you. You gotta know that that's childish. Flying you out because he wants.

[A.J. Holiday]

Y' all probably not talk about smashing and everything else. Like, girl, if I do that up, it's on a pop as soon as I see your ass. Okay, what are we doing?

[Tam Bam]

I need to eat first but.

[A.J. Holiday]

And take a shower. Like straw off the plane. Didn't even get to wash yet. This like what's up?

[Tam Bam]

Some like that.

[A.J. Holiday]

But I know I seen some stories. But yeah, stay your ass at the house or have some you money options.

[Tam Bam]

Always. Even if you bring your coochie, you know you're gonna pop it open and that's your currency. Still have some money. Like you should never go nowhere talking about I'm stranded. I didn't see this too many times.

[A.J. Holiday]

And that's whack of a man. Yeah, I've. I've, I've went. I've been flew out. Right. And then you know, the guy is like, you know, we don't. He was after we done had sex. Right. I mean if we didn't have sex, it would have been okay. But I mean that's in retrospect at that point, you saying that after the fact that. But I'm not going no place and not smashing. I'm just not. If I'm not comfortable with you now, yes again, you could say some shit, do some shit.

[Tam Bam]

And like in my 20s, I went to LA to see this guy I knew very well. We went to church together. Like we grew up in the same church, you know. So I've known this man my entire childhood in life and was playing ball overseas. He was now in la. He asked me to come to la. We were having a good time talking about, you know, our childhood, the church, family, who was doing what. And then like we went to on a nice dinner and then that night he was trying to, you know, take it to the next level sexually, but he did not want to use a condom. And I was like, no, I'm not with that. Like I. I'm ever believer of using protection. And he did, he got mad and said he ain't want to do it if he had these organo.

[A.J. Holiday]

No, that's, that's absolutely happened to me before from a friend, like somebody I had been in school with from middle school on up. Absolutely. And then you know what he said?

[Tam Bam]

What?

[A.J. Holiday]

I said, I'm not fucking you. Wrong. He was like, I know. Let me phrase it properly. He said, I know what I know what the. What the be doing that I with or some shit like that. What you somebody else? What makes you think they're not somebody else? You think you got mind control over Debo? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. You think you got mind control over these women? That I'm supposed to trust that you know what they doing to still add my coochie to the shish kebab stick? Absolutely not. No men are. That's in my 20s, middle finger.

[Tam Bam]

He was also, why you need to use a condom? You got something? Are you?

[A.J. Holiday]

Yes, you are.

[Tam Bam]

I use that word every episode. I gotta stop.

[A.J. Holiday]

I'm sorry, why that is retardation? Because what.

[Tam Bam]

That don't make no sense. Like, that's your logic.

[A.J. Holiday]

That is scary logic. Because if he's using that logic with you, the other people he's smashing without a condom, he's also then, well, if you got to use a condom, that mean you got something. I don't got to use no condom. I don't got nothing. What?

[Tam Bam]

What?

[A.J. Holiday]

And probably ain't got tested, cheating off somebody else.

[Tam Bam]

Test until you do, but it won't be me. So he was pissed. And listen, he thought like, he thought it was A flex to like, all right. Got mad, got up the next morning and left and was gone for a long time. I know people in la and I got you money, baby. I was out of there when he pulled up. It was a G wagon pulling up to take me away from there.

[A.J. Holiday]

With your scarf wrapped around your neck, wrapped around your head. Same. That's how you got treated, man. Cause who you playing with, right? It's getting rough out here, man. Some of these dudes are lame, okay? And they just happen to get some money, right? So they think that, you know, because they have this money now, everything else supposed to just come easy. And then when you don't, is. And then you the IG model with the fat ass. I'm sure he probably like, oh, I know she going, right? Especially if she get flew out often. She still gets to pick and choose who she want to smash, right?

[Tam Bam]

But she. She definitely can't. First of all, I would have never. I would never told the world this story. Anybody stranded me anywhere.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah. I would not have. But, you know, they want the clout.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

Girls be lame, too. I keep saying that. Is the only person who would have.

[Tam Bam]

Noticed no story is the Salvation army, baby, please help me get home.

[A.J. Holiday]

I' ma tell the story, but I ain't telling names. You know what I'm saying? Like, I feel like that's whack. I'm never just trying to expose people, man.

[Tam Bam]

I ain't never telling nobody I'm stranded nowhere. That's one of the things that's going down with me. Maybe my best friend in the south.

[A.J. Holiday]

Maybe she just felt stranded because the person she came here to be with just left her.

[Tam Bam]

So that is like, maybe it wasn't financially stranded. Maybe just.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah. Yeah. Because like, say, for instance, somebody tell you to get out their car. Of course you got the Uber app, Right. That is still leaving you stranded, though.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

Even though you can get to where you're going.

[Tam Bam]

Like, they left me for dead. Like, Mama.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, you left me. Yeah. So maybe. Maybe she had a couple dollars. I don't know. But, child, listen, y' all young girls do not leave y' all house with no money ever. Don't do it.

[Tam Bam]

Clean draws and money in your pocket.

[A.J. Holiday]

You never know what's gonna happen. That Mama always told me that you never know what's gonna happen. Make sure you. I don't wear draws in this age. So anyway, I gotta worry about that. I gotta worry about no holy draw. But make sure you got some money in your pocket or somebody who got some Money. Who don't mind those sending, who don't mind sending it to you. Some something, right? You gotta have some type of means.

[Tam Bam]

A life, a safety net of some sort, right?

[A.J. Holiday]

All right, y', all, so let's get into this week's episode. We have a lovely guest on we talk back this week. Her name is Vanity Weir and she is a super tech girly. And she is going to give us a little bit, little tidbits on, you know, black women in tech. How do you get in tech? What? Adore your life is also like a little movement she has going as well. So y' all stay tuned.

[Vanity Weir]

Hey, fam. This is Carlos Miller from the 85 South Show. If you're like me, you're always thinking about how to level up your career. Maybe you're fresh out of college, just starting in your field or even looking to switch things up and find your true calling. Whatever stage you're in, remember that this is your time to grow, to learn, and to build something that lasts. State Farm understands that early career development is key to long term success. They've been a steady presence in our community and they know having the right support early can make all the difference. State Farm is there to help you make smart moves and to help you get the coverage you need. We all know that the journey to success is a marathon, not a sprint. It's all about staying focused, staying grounded, and making sure you're protected every step of the way. Let's build our careers with confidence, knowing that State Farm is there to support us, just like they've always been. Because like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Find out more@state farm.com.

[Unknown]

All right, y'.

[A.J. Holiday]

All. So y' all know everything is tech and with the rise of AI. Right. So today's guest is essential if you're in a job market. Why you smell like that?

[Tam Bam]

Bitch, you so damn crazy.

[A.J. Holiday]

We have Vanity Weir on we talk back this week and she's a certified life and business Coach with over 13 years of experience in tech. And she's helping people all over the country land high paying tech roles, secure global contracts, and shift their mindset to align with their purpose. All right, so welcome to adore your life.

[Unknown]

Yes.

[Tam Bam]

Yes. You better.

[Unknown]

Absolutely.

[Tam Bam]

Thank you for coming on. Thank you.

[Unknown]

I'm so happy for having me. I'm excited.

[Tam Bam]

Listen, and I'm so proud of you.

[Unknown]

Thank you.

[A.J. Holiday]

Oh, y' all know each other?

[Tam Bam]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

Oh.

[Tam Bam]

I've not since I got to Charlotte.

[Unknown]

So, yeah, literally a very long time.

[A.J. Holiday]

Oh, my.

[Unknown]

Grow, become a mother. Everything.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah, Literally. Yeah. So let's know about tech, because, y', all, her Instagram is so. You're so funny on there. Like, you make tech funny. And I always think of tech as some boring ass, nerdy low key. Right.

[Unknown]

I mean, it is, but.

[Tam Bam]

But you make it cool and you make it funny and you make it interesting.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah.

[Tam Bam]

And one of my friends reached out to you. All right, this is. All right, this is kind of off topic, but a little bit about a Scrum Master. Yeah, what is that?

[A.J. Holiday]

Because.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah, that sound like something filthy.

[A.J. Holiday]

What?

[Unknown]

Yeah, because the scrum part, I see. I see where your head is going there. I see where your head is going. But a Scrum Master is basically just a person who is kind of like a business. A project manager, they kind of. The person who just makes sure the company is agile. They make sure the company can really flow together and really, like, accomplish their goals, whatever the business goals are.

[Tam Bam]

So there's no filth involved.

[Unknown]

No, I mean, girl.

[Tam Bam]

Okay, well, you can tell.

[A.J. Holiday]

You can tell the bitch that do here.

[Unknown]

All right, And I have to see the scrum part.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah, the name, like, how did they.

[A.J. Holiday]

Come up with that? You know, they're gum. That's what you refer like. Yeah, scum, girl.

[Tam Bam]

But before we get into the conversation, y', all, we gotta take a little shot, y'. All, we have a very new sponsor for We Talk Back. Ray Alibre. It is a black female owned tequila brand out of Atlanta. And honestly, it's really, really good. So I want you to try it. The first one we're going to try is the peach margarita, and it's already mixed and it's really, really nice. So everybody grab your drink and let's take a shot too.

[A.J. Holiday]

On an empty stomach.

[Tam Bam]

Listen. Cheers to adoring your life.

[Unknown]

That's where your life is.

[Tam Bam]

Cheers. Clink, clink, clink, clink.

[A.J. Holiday]

Oh, you gotta tap it. That's a good one.

[Tam Bam]

Ain't that nice?

[A.J. Holiday]

That's real good.

[Unknown]

I can see myself drinking that. For real.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah, we're gonna drink this one. I'm gonna finish it, right?

[A.J. Holiday]

That's a good one.

[Tam Bam]

All right, Ray, y', all, check them out. All right, so let's talk healing in high places. All right, so let me see what I got here. How how black women in corporate tech navigate burnout. So let's talk about burnout and what that looks like especially for black women.

[Unknown]

Well, for me, because I can really only talk for me, you know?

[Tam Bam]

Okay.

[Unknown]

For me, burnout is just like when I'm feeling like overstimulated and I really want to crash out. You know, Like, I just don't. I don't want to get to a point where it's like, I'm feeling depressed, but I kind of just feel like, you know, I just want to go in my room. I don't want to be bothered. And with having a kid or a daughter, that's just. You can't really burn out.

[Tam Bam]

Exactly.

[A.J. Holiday]

It's like, they know when you need a break and they come talking.

[Tam Bam]

Right, Exactly. Right.

[Unknown]

Yeah. So I'm like, we can't allow ourselves to do that.

[Tam Bam]

So in the tech world, how would you encourage, like, girl tech girlies to navigate that environment? Like, what's some ways that they can navigate burnout?

[Unknown]

So some ways that they can navigate burnout is, for me, it's doing, like, affirmations first. I know people be like, affirmations are so cliche. But no, it really works because, like, for me, I'm the only black person, Black woman, and almost we just hired a new black man last week. So, like, I'm the only black woman in the room. And you kind of feel like you have to shrink yourself. And so those affirmations, like, I. I should be in this room.

[A.J. Holiday]

Right.

[Unknown]

Voice needs to be heard. Those are the affirmations that you kind of want to say to yourself. So you don't start that shrinking yourself.

[A.J. Holiday]

Like, you don't start overthinking, like, the imposter syndrome. You stuff like that.

[Unknown]

Start overthinking, like, should I get braids? Like, that's.

[A.J. Holiday]

No, for real. Because unfortunately, it is a uniform in the corporate world. You know what I'm saying? Like, I think it's changing, though, because you got the white boys who come in with the sleeves up, whole sleeve tattoos. So we're in the corporate setting now, like, our generation.

[Tam Bam]

All right.

[A.J. Holiday]

The millennials.

[Tam Bam]

Millennials, right. Not so many boomers.

[A.J. Holiday]

Exactly, exactly. That's changing.

[Unknown]

Yeah, it's changing. So, like, I would just say make sure you're saying your affirmations and making sure that you build community. So that's like therapy. Going outside, getting outside. I don't care if you got a man still get outside. You know, build that community or make that safe place for yourself, whether it's just being at home, dancing, doing your thing. Just build community and go to therapy. I really believe in going to therapy. Let's talk about, like, that. But I do.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, therapy definitely is. Is important. I just think that. I think women, Black women in particular. Yeah, we do therapy.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

You know what? I'M saying, even if it's just congregating with each other and talking through our shit.

[Unknown]

That's right.

[A.J. Holiday]

We at least talk.

[Unknown]

That's true.

[Tam Bam]

Right.

[A.J. Holiday]

So, yes, absolutely important in every facet, every sector of your life. Yeah. What about code switching?

[Tam Bam]

Right.

[A.J. Holiday]

Code switching and tech and corporate. Like, how do you navigate that and then still stay, you know, authentic to yourself? Because I've always pride myself on just. It's just easy to be yourself.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

So in any setting, any job I ever had, as soon as I walk in the door is. Here comes trouble. Because I'm me.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

In any setting.

[Unknown]

Well, I feel like I don't really necessarily believe in code switching. I believe in literally being yourself. Because you can only kind of keep that up for.

[A.J. Holiday]

Exactly. Exhausting.

[Unknown]

Then eventually you're gonna start, like, breaking through. Like, you're gonna start being your real self. That's like when you're in a relationship with a man and he code switched.

[A.J. Holiday]

For the first 10 days, then that representative. That representative was there.

[Unknown]

It was just the same experience in tech. So I really believe that you should just be yourself. Like, go in there being yourself. I mean, if you want to, like, fancy up the way you talk a little bit more, you know, sound a little bit more professional, you can do that. But, like, again, how long are you gonna do that?

[A.J. Holiday]

Is that geechee gonna come out?

[Tam Bam]

When I get frustrated. Right.

[A.J. Holiday]

Lucky.

[Unknown]

I see a lot of black women that do that. They think, you know, they're like, od, uh. And I'm like.

[Tam Bam]

But it almost comes as second nature after some time, like, being in these environments, I be like. I find myself saying, you betcha. I don't see that shit in real life. But I went, oh, where did that come from? Your grandmama?

[A.J. Holiday]

You betcha. You betcha.

[Unknown]

My grandma didn't even say that.

[A.J. Holiday]

So.

[Tam Bam]

What you trying to say? Cause she was half white. I'm out of here.

[Unknown]

You know what I'm picking up on?

[Tam Bam]

What?

[Unknown]

You.

[A.J. Holiday]

You bet. You.

[Tam Bam]

You betcha.

[Unknown]

You got it.

[Tam Bam]

But it's just like, you know, like, you code switch on. Not even on purpose. Like, growing up, I just feel like we've had to do it so much.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Tam Bam]

That we just assimilate. Sometimes I think I've.

[A.J. Holiday]

I've aside from, like, because I'm from Charleston and we extra geechy. And then people, you come to Charleston, you really gonna hear Geechee. I do try to articulate my words more because of the different settings I'm in, but for the most part, like, I've never had to Just not be me.

[Unknown]

Right.

[A.J. Holiday]

In any setting. And if you with me, you with me. If, you know, you don't.

[Tam Bam]

Right? Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

So I think. Yeah, I would agree that people just should try to stay true to themselves.

[Tam Bam]

Right?

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

Because again, you deserve to be in that room. And you add value. Whenever you start to switch too much, then you kind of lose your voice in the room. They hired you for a reason, that woman of color to give a different viewpoint on things.

[A.J. Holiday]

Absolutely.

[Tam Bam]

But do y' all remember that episode of Insecure? The black girl, she was played by. Dang, I can't think of who was played by.

[A.J. Holiday]

You know, I don't know.

[Tam Bam]

She was like a summer intern, like, for the law firm. And they wanted. She was in there, like, in the break room, like.

[A.J. Holiday]

And. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

[Tam Bam]

And that was crazy. And Issa. No, no, it wasn't Issa. It was Molly. Molly was, like, seeing it, you know, like, giving too much. So then some of the partners came to Molly, because Molly's the black woman was like, maybe you could, you know.

[A.J. Holiday]

Talk to your fellow Negro, right.

[Tam Bam]

And tell her to un Negro a little bit. Right. They didn't say that, but that's what they were asking her to do.

[A.J. Holiday]

Bring it down.

[Tam Bam]

She refused to do it, you know?

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, but I feel like that's a little different, right. Because it is a time and place for everything. Like, you gotta know how to be a performer.

[Unknown]

Room. That was what.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yes.

[Unknown]

Like, she. Yeah, because they telling you them people looking at you like, girl, like, in their way. So, like, if you're not reading the room, then you're going to continue to be doing too much looking crazy.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah. It's just like a slippery slope, though, because you don't know when to be too much yourself and when to like. You betcha. You know.

[A.J. Holiday]

I don't never feel like. You betcha.

[Unknown]

I could say, like, the people, you bet your time, they really like. They kind of like your lingo. Like, literally, I said. I was in the office and I said no Diddy to one of my co workers. He was like, I'm gonna go say that to my son this weekend, girl. I'm sticking up people and I'm gonna say no, Diddy.

[Tam Bam]

My brother Diddy. I hate that. All right, so soft life meets hard tech. Let's talk about how the soft light movement works or doesn't work for black women in high pressure tech roles.

[Unknown]

Okay. I feel like it works like you're making more money.

[A.J. Holiday]

Exactly.

[Unknown]

All right. So you're able to really like, Just show yourself self care like period. So you're, you have the money, so why not do it? Get order a cleaner, like get somebody to clean, outsource, like, you know, and I feel like it's very important because you really start to feel like you're doing a lot in the world. You're really like moving, you're doing your job or whatever. And it's important that when you come home, you know how to just have that soft life and you allow yourself to have that soft life.

[Tam Bam]

I think that's the biggest.

[Unknown]

Yeah, that's the part for me. Yeah, I gotta allow myself.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

I just saw this post on Instagram and it was a podcast and they were talking about like how. Basically talking about like the average income amongst black people in the major black cities. So like Atlanta, Charlotte, D.C. or whatever. And it was like Charlotte's sneaky. Charlotte will sneaky with the money. We got all the banks here, you know what I'm saying? So most black people, like a lot of them are making at least $80,000 above to a hundred thousand dollars plus if you work at Wells Fargo.

[Tam Bam]

Right.

[Unknown]

Bank of America, bank of Ally Bank Regions.

[A.J. Holiday]

All those banks. Yeah. Are here in the area. Yeah. So yeah, like the girlies in Charlotte got a lot of stuff.

[Tam Bam]

The Billies in Charlotte is high too.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yes. The bill's high everywhere. Man Johnson hired in Charlotte.

[Tam Bam]

Really?

[A.J. Holiday]

Absolutely, for sure.

[Unknown]

Rent, I can say that though because it's like a tourist city. So they gonna amp them prices in the beach. Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yes.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I could see that.

[A.J. Holiday]

It's stupid. And then a lot of people, they move down with their tech jobs, working from home. They move from New York where you paying like $5,000 for a low ass house. Now you can come down here and get a baby mansion, you know, in Charleston, which is still, it's high for us. So they're now boosting up the cost of living essentially because now they're catering to a different demographic of people coming in town. So it's terrible. Yeah.

[Tam Bam]

So I know you help people get into tech. Like how do you go about doing that? Like what's the.

[Unknown]

Well, really, I feel like a lot of people think like you have to be a nerd, you have to be super smart, you have to be super techie. And that's just really not the case. There's a lot of roles that are not. You don't even have to really know a lot of tech, you know, you just got to have, know how to really talk to people. So like for me, I'm A business analyst, like, that's what I do. I just talk to people and gain requirements. So I feel like the main thing that you need to know is how can you tailor your skills, whether you come from, like, customer service, whether you come from being on a podcast, like, how can you tailor your skills to fit into tech? So that's kind of what I do. I just kind of, like, get your resume and say, let's fix it. That's tailor your skills to tech. Oh, you were on the phone. You talk to people. Oh, you analyze and looked at reports all day. You're an analyst. They're not trying to pay you analyst money.

[A.J. Holiday]

Right.

[Unknown]

You know, they're trying to say you still customer service, but you literally know them systems like the back of your hand. You an analyst. Let's fix those things. Let's fix those titles. And that's really fix the resume to tailor what you already be doing. And so once you do that, they're like, oh, sniff. I didn't know I could do that. That's really what it's about, just learning your skills.

[A.J. Holiday]

I saw this little sneaky thing on YouTube once where this guy, he basically took the description for the. From the job. And y' all can try this, try to see if it works. He took the description from the job. So now you know your resume is white sheet, black paper, black letters.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

He took the description from the job and he copied and pasted onto his resume, but made it really small and white so it'd be blending in with the white part of the page. And then that way. Because now what they're using to select candidates for jobs, they're using AI. Yeah. So they're scanning. They're not. A hiring manager is not looking at every single resume. They're looking for the things that the AI is looking for, the things that match the description of the job. Yeah. So even if you're res. Like, you literally got to tell your resume for whatever position you're. You're looking for. Right. Whatever position you're applying for. But he put it, like, real small. So then that way, like. Exactly.

[Unknown]

Exactly.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

And if you're black, make sure you put white. Yeah. Make sure you put white on your resume. I mean, you know the application that.

[Tam Bam]

You'Re a white person.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yes.

[Tam Bam]

And then show up black. Yep. I call that black, but really, I'm white.

[A.J. Holiday]

Because they got so now. And so this is why people be so mad about the affirmative action. Right. Like, or them taking out the. The DEI stuff.

[Unknown]

Yeah, it is.

[A.J. Holiday]

It causes some type of like when you have to meet a quota as a corporation, like we gotta have a certain amount of black people, a certain amount of white people, certain amount of women, certain amount of people with, with handicap and all this different things. What if they've already met their quota for a black woman? We already know it's probably this small in comparison to who's actually being hired.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

So DEI isn't helping black women, really. Right. So yeah, if you, a black woman, put white or don't answer, imagine Rachel.

[Tam Bam]

Dozelling your way to the top.

[Unknown]

I mean, you have to.

[A.J. Holiday]

Ashley James. You have to, you have to play the system, man.

[Carlos Miller]

Hey, fam, if you're like me, you're thinking about how to level up in your career, maybe you're fresh out of college, just started in your field, or even looking to switch things up and find your true caller. Whatever stage you're in, remember that this is your time to grow, to learn, and to build something that lasts. State Farm understands that early career development is key to long term success. They've been a steady presence in our communities and they know that having the right support early on can make all the difference. State Farm is there to help you make smart moves and to help you get the coverage you need. We all know the journey to success is a marathon, not a sprint. It's about staying focused, staying grounded, and making sure you're protected every step of the way. Let's build our careers with confidence knowing that State Farm is there to support us, just like they've always been. Because like a good neighbor. State forum is there. Find out [e-mail].

[Tam Bam]

So what is it like dating as a high earning black woman in tech though?

[Unknown]

I mean, it's just like any other role. Like no matter if you're a nurse or you work at McDonald's, these men ain't shit. Even the men.

[A.J. Holiday]

Was that on a spreadsheet? Was that on Excel? Did you do a vlookup for that?

[Unknown]

Not me. This is AI talking, right? No, yeah, the men ain't shit. But I just feel like when you have more your own money, like in this generation of like trick a nigga, get a man. I could say that, right?

[Tam Bam]

Yeah, you can say whatever you want. I don't know.

[A.J. Holiday]

Unless your employer watching.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I'm just saying if when you in that whole like mana frame like you, and you're dealing with a woman with money, you're dealing with a high caliber woman, so you have to come correct. So as a tech person, you just kind of Got to separate the real men from the fakes and learn to deal with high caliber men. You can't go for the drug dealership because that's what you like. You. Because they're not going to understand you, you know what I'm saying?

[A.J. Holiday]

So girl, you ain't telling me.

[Unknown]

You hear that? You got for the ones that. And that's what they say.

[A.J. Holiday]

I am a drug dealer at heart though. You see, that's the problem. We be like real live hustlers, you know, at heart. Yeah, girl. Bye, girls.

[Tam Bam]

I don't know what theirs are.

[A.J. Holiday]

Those people are an aspect of us sometimes, you know what I'm saying? Until you like stop selling dope, I guess so.

[Unknown]

But you just gotta go for high caliber men. Like at the end of the day.

[A.J. Holiday]

What a high caliber man, you know, I think people be confusing high earning with high value.

[Unknown]

Well, both, you know what I'm saying? Because they can have. I know men that have money, but they still lame. So like you gotta have both. You have to know how to treat me and really cater to me and love me with consideration if you can't do that. Because when you're dealing with a high caliber man and you're dealing with like a man that has money, like they don't care about the money, they consider you for anything else.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah, I agree.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

And doesn't it feel good to be considered?

[Unknown]

Yes.

[A.J. Holiday]

That's all we want.

[Tam Bam]

No, go ahead. Yes. It's toasty. Yes. So outside of tech, you're also a life coach. So what's the difference between like life coaching and therapy?

[Unknown]

Yeah, I love that question. That's an amazing question. So the difference between. I feel like therapy focuses mainly on like trauma. Like the things you want gone through in your past, you know, trying to work through that so you can get out of your own way. A life Coaches, that's what they do. They help you get out of your own way.

[A.J. Holiday]

Got it.

[Unknown]

So they're like your goal person you go to and you be like, you know what, I want to go back to school, but I'm overstimulated. I don't know the steps. I'm like your cheerleader. I'm like your person that's going to be like you're getting. We had these, we had these goals. Here's week two. We said we was gonna be here. Where you at? Why? And then I'm also the person that's.

[A.J. Holiday]

Like accountability part basically.

[Unknown]

I'm also the person that's gonna be like, let's go celebrate. No matter how big or little the win is. So I kind of feel like that's the difference. The therapist, they focus on your past and they can help you with your future, because your future basically, you know. You know, your past basically determines your future.

[A.J. Holiday]

Does it?

[Unknown]

Yes.

[Tam Bam]

Yep.

[Unknown]

Oftentimes, all the times. But the. The life coach is the one that helps you in the present moment.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

Because I think therapy, like, therapy is cool.

[Unknown]

Right.

[A.J. Holiday]

But they just give you the tools to kind of try to help you navigate through the things.

[Unknown]

Right, Right.

[Tam Bam]

Sometimes.

[A.J. Holiday]

But they just keep. They. They just keep bringing. Bringing up all the bad things. That's what you do every time you go to therapy.

[Tam Bam]

Like therapy like that, like you just unpacking on somebody, unpacking old shit and sitting it on the table. That's what I feel like. I'm just sitting it on the table. It was down. I had it buried, and now we brought it on the table, but we ain't really did nothing with it. That's my issue with therapy. Sometimes I feel like we're pulling it all out, but what are we doing?

[A.J. Holiday]

Do they really want to heal you, though, when that's their job? Because if everybody was healed, which healing supposedly, like, supposedly has a destination. Right?

[Tam Bam]

Right.

[A.J. Holiday]

So if they actually were to help you heal, whatever the thing is, you wouldn't need them.

[Tam Bam]

Just like doctors. Exactly.

[A.J. Holiday]

I just kind of feel like dermatologist recommended.

[Unknown]

No one is. No one is God. No one can heal you. Like, they can help you heal, but you have to do the work to heal you.

[A.J. Holiday]

Exactly.

[Unknown]

So when you're pulling those emotions out and that's what the therapist is helping you do, instead of burying it and then getting triggered and then wondering why I'm this far triggered, it's like, let's go ahead and help you get used to talking about that. So therefore, you're not staying. Staying in the trigger, you know how to kind of like, okay, I'm triggered, but I'm out. You know, instead of, like, staying there and spiraling down, I feel like that's why I feel like therapy is good. And then, like, the life coaching is where it comes in and it's like, all right, all right, we healed. Let's get some goals now. Let's accomplish some things now that's going to make you even feel even more healed.

[Tam Bam]

So if I come to you and I'm like, hey, I would like a session. What would be the first thing we would do? We just sit down and what?

[Unknown]

Well, if you want to set the session, the first thing I'M going to do is say, why?

[Tam Bam]

What are you.

[Unknown]

What are you. What are you trying to accomplish? Like, you know, that's. That's the first thing, because you. I feel like you always got to know your why things. So why? What is it? What made you feel like you needed help? What made you feel like you needed an accountability partner? And we get to that, you know? And once we get to that, we start going through goals, trying to figure out what makes you happy, what is it, you know? And if we don't know what that is, then we need to sit down and unpack that a little bit.

[Tam Bam]

What makes you happy?

[A.J. Holiday]

That's a hard question. I ask people that all the time. Like, once you take away, like, family and money, like, what really makes you happy?

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Tam Bam]

Dick and food for me.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yo. Now, food, Food.

[Unknown]

Yeah. But for me, it took me a while to get here, so I feel like, for me, like, love makes me happy because God is love. And so, like, long as I have self love, I'm able to, no matter how many times I get my heart broken, continue to love again.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yes.

[Tam Bam]

That's the hard part.

[Unknown]

Yeah.

[Tam Bam]

Cause like you said, these niggas, I don't like. I don't like saying niggas ain't shit. I don't like saying that.

[A.J. Holiday]

You shouldn't say that, for real. Because if you ain't never ran into a nigga, that is shit, like, chances are you might not be shit.

[Tam Bam]

Right, Exactly. So that's why I don't like saying that. But I just. I have dated quite a few undesirable people in this lifetime.

[Unknown]

And I can say, you're right, you shouldn't say that. That's true. Because I, you know, I. I'm dating someone that is, like, really a great. Really a great person.

[A.J. Holiday]

We just hadn't gotten to the person.

[Unknown]

But I feel like, you meet who y'.

[A.J. Holiday]

All.

[Tam Bam]

I feel like I actually met somebody.

[Unknown]

You meet who you are, though.

[Tam Bam]

You meet who you are.

[Unknown]

So if you feel like that, man, ain't nine times out of 10, it's something in you that ain't easy.

[A.J. Holiday]

I was just telling my homegirl because, like, my next relationship, I need to be different. Right? We talked about this a little bit. But I am such a fraternizer. Okay, like. Like, shut up.

[Tam Bam]

No, you know, I just wanna say, how are you?

[A.J. Holiday]

I just need to let everybody know, like, hey, I'm not available. Like, I don't be doing that. You know what I'm saying? I don't really, like. Like, I be allowing Niggas to fraternize with me. That's the problem. Because I kind of like it. Okay, that's the problem. Like, just still chatting up with people, you know, you have no business chatting up with, and you don't really even want to with them no more. You just.

[Tam Bam]

So do you just feel you just like to talk?

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, that's the problem. How the do I shut up? I do like to talk, and sometimes you need to talk to different people.

[Tam Bam]

So you enjoy variety. Yeah, when it comes to conversations, I don't think there's nothing wrong with that. As long as the conversations aren't like.

[A.J. Holiday]

But, you know, these men can't be your friend, okay? They can't be your friend. They waiting on male friends. Yeah, I do have male friends, right. Who will never, you know, or some. We. We probably, you know, and now we're friends. Like that didn't. Didn't work, right? But for the most part, even those, like, they'll still smash you. If you call and say, hey, you want to smash. You want to have sex? They gonna. You. That's not your friend. You see what I'm saying? That's why men don't want their women with other men. And I understand, because these ain't y. Oh, maybe we ain't shit. Cause why you even fraternizing? Okay, see, that's what I'm working on.

[Unknown]

That's why I say if we say men ain't shit, we have to own and say, is it a part of me? It's a little part.

[A.J. Holiday]

No, it's a major part. I realize that for sure.

[Unknown]

But I'm trying to be shit.

[Tam Bam]

But here's the thing. The difference is it's male friends that if they was like, let's have sex, you're going to say no. But men aren't going to say no.

[A.J. Holiday]

That's what I'm saying. That's why you are there for you. Okay? You consider them your friend, right? But they really don't consider you their friend because they will smash you. That's why.

[Tam Bam]

No, but that's still like, because you're still their friend. They just can't fuck you a boy. All right? So I'm saying, like, you have guy friends that you. If they were like, I want to have sex with you, you'd be like, absolutely not. We're friends. But if it was the other way around, they're gonna have sex with you, which makes them more ain't shit than you.

[Unknown]

I don't have nobody like that. I only have one guy friend. And he likes men. Like, I don't.

[Tam Bam]

Oh, you don't have no male friends.

[Unknown]

I have no male friends because like you said, they're gonna try to.

[A.J. Holiday]

I know the men love you, girl. Hate to hear my conversation. I always talk about what a say, oh, yeah, my homeboy. Such and such.

[Unknown]

I don't have no friends unless you like my cousin, my brother, like family. But other than that, like, I don't have.

[A.J. Holiday]

Okay. I have to evaluate that. I got to get rid of all my male friends. This is the psa.

[Tam Bam]

Why? Because you can have friendship with men without it being I do inappropriate.

[Unknown]

They start saying I want to, then they cross the line and you got to cut their ass off.

[Tam Bam]

But they might not say that to you ever.

[A.J. Holiday]

They may not say it, but you know the moment you start feeling it.

[Unknown]

You'Re crossing the line. So if you don't say anything, you just continue to allow them to say.

[Tam Bam]

Giving men enough credit. Y' all are not. Every man don't want to you.

[Unknown]

Not right now.

[Tam Bam]

Every man don't want to you like some men are your friends.

[Unknown]

That is true. But I've never.

[Tam Bam]

Thomas, you shaking your head. Always want to every time.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yes. Thank you. And that's why men don't want their women having men as friends.

[Tam Bam]

There's men in my life that are my friends that, you know.

[Unknown]

Did y' all start off that way?

[A.J. Holiday]

Did y'.

[Unknown]

All. Yeah, I have some friends.

[A.J. Holiday]

Some male friends.

[Unknown]

Do they make you feel at some point like I could them if I wanted to. If you was to call them and be like, I wanna fuck. They not gonna be like, oh, we.

[A.J. Holiday]

Gotta test that one day. We gotta call our bestie male friend.

[Tam Bam]

I wanna ruin the friendship by doing that.

[A.J. Holiday]

That's what's gonna happen, though.

[Unknown]

They not gonna put the line down. They gonna be like, all right, I never looked at you.

[A.J. Holiday]

They gonna lie first.

[Tam Bam]

But that's because the way men look at sex and the way we look at sex is different. Is more casual for them, I think. You don't think so?

[A.J. Holiday]

That's.

[Unknown]

So they don't value the friendship. They just like, oh, no.

[Tam Bam]

I feel like I think it could be.

[A.J. Holiday]

I think men value their friendships more than they value, like, their relationships. Because usually, like, when you are a guy's friend and then y' all start. Start dating and then start going sour, it's the friend in you he misses.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

You know what I'm saying? Like, the relate. Once you add the titles and all that, it just get weird.

[Tam Bam]

So what you're saying, Thomas you're saying, y'.

[A.J. Holiday]

All.

[Tam Bam]

I'm talking to our videographer. You're saying that I'm giving men too much credit.

[Vanity Weir]

Yeah, I mean, I'm sure there's an.

[Tam Bam]

Exception, but generally, 99 of the time. That's crazy.

[Unknown]

That's why I don't got no male friends besides my one male friend.

[A.J. Holiday]

I'm trying to get there. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not there. I just want my guy to be my only.

[Unknown]

Yeah, that's the only.

[Tam Bam]

You want your guy to be your only male friend?

[A.J. Holiday]

That's my only. No, I mean. So, okay, I have male. Why the do we get here. But anyway, I have male friends that I know we would never have sex. Like, this is really, like a family member, essentially. Right. But then I do have men that I know that I do consider friends that I know would smash me. Those are not my friends. Really. I consider them my friends, but they waiting on me to let them smash.

[Unknown]

Yeah, they, like, soon as she get drunk.

[A.J. Holiday]

Not drunk. They ain't gonna never get no drunk.

[Unknown]

If it works out.

[A.J. Holiday]

Well, that's why we sweating, first of all.

[Unknown]

That's exactly what.

[Tam Bam]

Take one more, girl.

[Unknown]

I'm down.

[A.J. Holiday]

When this wig starts sliding back. I know something.

[Tam Bam]

Listen, it's okay. It'll be fine. Pass me your cups, ladies. Damn. So my friends. Not my friends.

[A.J. Holiday]

No, they are not your friends. Okay? The only friend you got we had on. We had on our last episode. Terry. That's the only homeboy you got? Yes. The only standup guy you gonna meet. For real.

[Tam Bam]

Damn.

[A.J. Holiday]

And I don't know, he might still smash your ass, Terry.

[Unknown]

Hey, one night, Terry might be terian.

[Tam Bam]

I don't think that. I think. I think there are some guys.

[A.J. Holiday]

Me and Terry been friends since first grade, girl.

[Tam Bam]

Okay, Okay. I have integrity. And they would be like, no, I don't want to ruin our friendship.

[Unknown]

Some will. And if they do that. I just never ran into a guy that is like that unless he's married or something. And he's very.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah. What about you?

[Unknown]

You know, but again, like, I don't have male friends like that.

[Tam Bam]

You never did.

[Unknown]

Like, not like that. No.

[Tam Bam]

No. Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

We supposed to be talking about.

[Unknown]

Yeah, we go in.

[A.J. Holiday]

So let's. Okay.

[Tam Bam]

All right. Oh, cheers. Cheers to not your male friends. Lord have mercy.

[A.J. Holiday]

Okay, so, you know, one of the things that the men. The Internet men. The men of the Internet complain about.

[Tam Bam]

Is like, Internet is funny.

[A.J. Holiday]

The Internet, girl. Red pill. It's the Internet.

[Tam Bam]

Right?

[Unknown]

Internet.

[A.J. Holiday]

Okay. They complain about, like, women with the degrees talk about degrees and how much money they make and all this stuff. And they like, they don't care about it. Right, but how do, how do you help women, like separate themselves from these job titles? You know what I'm saying?

[Unknown]

Yeah, well, yeah, again, that's.

[A.J. Holiday]

Men say long, not really help them. But you know what?

[Unknown]

I'm like, just like life coach them to it. Men say they don't care, but they very much want to be attached to a bad girl. Like a woman that looked good, got her. I, you know, independent, they very much want to be attached. You know what I'm saying? Like, so you have to recognize that as a woman that makes money, like they want to be attached. Just like you want to be attached to a high valued man. They want to be attached to a high valued woman because it makes them look good. They have ego too, just like you. So you have to understand to recognize that and just realize, like, are they borderline trying to like attach theirself to.

[A.J. Holiday]

You and use you?

[Unknown]

Cause that's what most men do.

[A.J. Holiday]

No, I'm more so talking about like women not even talking about men. Just like women going out into the world being their titles and degrees.

[Unknown]

I don't agree with that because I feel like you're so much more than that. And like, even with tech, like I cater to people who don't have a degree. You could still get in tech out of degree.

[Tam Bam]

Oh, really?

[Unknown]

Yeah, so I cater to that. Like, don't get so attached to the your I mean, agree. That's an accomplishment. You did your thing, right? But don't get so attached to that. That's all you really have to offer, right? Because you take that away. They, you're boring. Like, what else do you bring to the table next, right? Like, are you funny? Can you make me laugh?

[A.J. Holiday]

Like, you know, girls can be lame too. I don't think women realize they can be lame.

[Unknown]

They can be lame.

[A.J. Holiday]

They can be lame, like boring.

[Unknown]

It's just like all you work and.

[A.J. Holiday]

You just, you got one position just.

[Tam Bam]

Pretty and that's it.

[A.J. Holiday]

You don't spit on it.

[Unknown]

Like, you just, you don't got no, you don't got no jazz. You don't get a little drun. Pass out nothing.

[Tam Bam]

So you're thinking that women are becoming successful and that becomes their identity, Is.

[A.J. Holiday]

That what you're saying?

[Tam Bam]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

And that's what the men are talking about, which I can understand. You know, I have met some extra snooty and I'm like, really? Your foot look bad? Like, you shouldn't even be acting like that.

[Unknown]

Yeah. But my dad, he's always, like, brought that center to me. Like regards, regardless of what you are, whether you're a nurse or whether you're a tech, you're just great at that, at nursing.

[A.J. Holiday]

Right.

[Unknown]

But there's so much more to life than that. You're just great at tech, but it's so much more in life than that.

[Tam Bam]

But sometimes people find their validation through, like, their hard work and their achievements.

[Unknown]

Okay, so what happens when you go to the bottom, get to the bottom, and God strips you of all that? Because that. That happened to me, period. I lost my job for seven months, and I couldn't lean on the title. So what you gonna do then?

[Tam Bam]

Right?

[Unknown]

You gotta know who you are outside of that.

[A.J. Holiday]

Exactly.

[Tam Bam]

I agree. Yeah. But I can understand how if my. If I was doctor, where that might be, like, something y'. All.

[A.J. Holiday]

I hate talking to doctors. I just can't stand it because they gonna say no. Except for one. One of my best friends is a. She's a psychologist. Like, that's a little bit different. Yeah, but, like, y' all don't know everything because this book, like, first of all, this. This. This. This whole medical system is. Is based off some. You know what I'm saying? I lean more towards, like, herbal medicine and things like that, which a lot of the pharmaceutical stuff have in it. But it's like the doctors think that they know everything. And it doesn't necessarily have to be a medical doctor, just anybody with md.

[Tam Bam]

But would you trust a doctor who act like they didn't know shit, though?

[A.J. Holiday]

I mean, a lot of them do act like they know stuff and they don't. Like, they literally googling some just like, they.

[Tam Bam]

They gonna tell you, would you go to a doctor? And they was, like, in there not confident. Would you want that to be your doctor?

[A.J. Holiday]

Like, we gonna see. I don't know. I was.

[Tam Bam]

I' ma with a little bit.

[A.J. Holiday]

You don't want Dr. Talking like that. You leaving?

[Unknown]

There's a difference between being, like, confident and then just not being humble. Like, being asshole. Being a. Thinking you're, like, arrogant. There's a difference between that. And. So, like, you just gotta know how to, like, you know, be human. Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

A lot of doctors, I feel, are on the spectrum. Like, they really don't have. No, the doctor's about to come for your ass. They really don't have, like, the social skills, you know what I'm saying? Because of the decisions that they have to make. They literally make life and death decisions. A Lot of times, like, they ended and they're playing God. Not really necessarily playing God, but if it's somebody's time to go, they gotta disconnect themselves from that incident, you know what I'm saying? So a lot of them don't have empathy. I feel like they lose it. Yeah, I think they're in those positions because they never had it though.

[Tam Bam]

No, no, no. All right, so listen, my sister used to work in the medical field. My older sister, when she joined the military, they had her working in the hospital and notifying families that, ooh, I couldn't do it. The family was their party deceased. And then she had to talk to them and do something.

[A.J. Holiday]

I couldn't do it.

[Unknown]

I couldn't do that.

[Tam Bam]

And she said, like, for the first year of her military career, she cried every day.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I would have too.

[Tam Bam]

She couldn't handle it. It was a lot, you know, it was emotional every day. And then after the first year was over, it's just like par for the course.

[A.J. Holiday]

It's just like the job. It's the job.

[Tam Bam]

So it's like she kind of lost the empathy that she had because it was just so similar to school shootings. Remember the first time we had a school shooting and how we was like, I can't believe this. I catch children. Now we have a school shoot and we be like, damn, that's crazy. It's the same shit. We not even. We lose it after. If it keeps happening, it's, you know, it's possible to lose that empathy.

[Unknown]

That's true. You just got. You just can't have a God complex. And a lot of them have a God complex. Like. Cause you kind of feel like you got. Cause you saving lives, you know what I'm saying? But you're not. And that's what you have to work on.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah. Because I had one of my MD friends tell me, some people just need to die. That's what he said. Some people just need to die. Like, you know, like the families be wanting to keep them, but really it's time to go.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah, well, that's true because we all could have died.

[Unknown]

Yeah, I can see that because that is true. Like, why would I just be sitting here keeping this person comfortable?

[A.J. Holiday]

Did y' all see that story with the in Georgia, them keeping this girl, 31 year old nurse who something happened during her pregnancy and she ended up brain dead.

[Unknown]

And they kept her, they kept her.

[A.J. Holiday]

Pregnant to have this baby? Yes. The family wanted to execute. Like, they wanted to take her off for life support and then Just let her and the baby go on. But the state of Georgia, like, she's just decaying with this baby growing. And now I think the baby's like paralyzed. It's not even.

[Unknown]

It's just not even fully developed.

[A.J. Holiday]

Why did y' all do that?

[Unknown]

So sad. I hate that. And they used her as an experiment.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yes, yes. And to prove like a point with the. With the abortion stuff. Yeah. That's nasty. And that's not even an abortion. Essentially.

[Tam Bam]

Right. Because she's not even really alive. Essentially. Right. But the baby.

[A.J. Holiday]

So the whole thing. Thing with that is the. The life versus choice is that the baby should have a choice. Essentially, the baby is now a person itself. Live without the mother. Exactly.

[Unknown]

Like, that's why we. That's what we're doing.

[A.J. Holiday]

Exactly. Yeah.

[Tam Bam]

And that's definitely playing God at that point.

[Unknown]

Exactly. That's what I mean. God complex.

[A.J. Holiday]

Sad, Nasty. Cold work.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah. Well, listen, if anything happened to me, I look into the camera.

[A.J. Holiday]

Keep me here as long as I'm out of here. Deuces.

[Tam Bam]

I'm back up. I'm gonna come back.

[A.J. Holiday]

Nope, I'm gonna come back next time. I might come back as me the next time. But I do not want to be alive and suffering. Absolutely not. I'm not afraid to die. I'm getting the up out of here. I'll see y' all niggas next time. Cause this shit is.

[Tam Bam]

I will be back.

[A.J. Holiday]

Outside.

[Tam Bam]

Just give me some time.

[Unknown]

Outside.

[Vanity Weir]

Hey, fam. This is Carlos Miller from the 85 South Show. If you're like me, you're always thinking about how to level up your career. Maybe you're fresh out of college, just starting in your field, or even looking to switch things up and find your true calling. Whatever stage you're in, remember that this is your time to grow, to learn, and to build something that lasts. State Farm understands that early career development is key to long term success. They've been a steady presence in our community, and they know having the right support early can make all the difference. State Farm is there to help you make smart moves and to help you get the coverage you need. We all know that the journey to success is a marathon, not a sprint. It's all about staying focused, staying grounded, and making sure you're protected every step of the way. Let's build our careers with confidence, knowing that State Farm is there to support us, just like they've always been. Because like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Find out more@state farm.com.

[A.J. Holiday]

So we got social media, we got instagram all those things. Like, how do you reprogram your inner algorithm as a black woman in tech, Take a break. Get off of social vacation. You know, they say Americans take the.

[Tam Bam]

Least amount of vacation out of everybody in the world.

[Unknown]

Yeah, take a break. And then also learn how, like, when you take a break to literally deactivate your social media. Like, we so tied to our problems.

[A.J. Holiday]

I'd be trying.

[Unknown]

Like, we don't even know how to live in a moment. We taking a.

[Tam Bam]

We in the moment.

[Unknown]

Taking a picture of the moment and not even living the moment.

[A.J. Holiday]

I can live in the moment. I don't take pictures like that.

[Tam Bam]

Me neither. Like, honestly, me and AJ don't do it enough. Like, every meeting we have, they'll be like, take a picture. Can y' all be more active on social media? We'll be like, yeah. And then we'll be back in the meeting. Yeah, we gonna do it this time. It's just not my cup of tea. Because I'm an older millennial, or I'm just not.

[A.J. Holiday]

Are you?

[Tam Bam]

Honestly, I am 30 older millennial, so I'm just not tied to my. I am tied to my phone, but not in a way where I just want to share every meal I've had every moment. If we're out doing something fun, I'm not the girl taking pictures. I'll be like, send me those pictures.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, when you're done.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah.

[A.J. Holiday]

The younger girlies, I mean, they editing at the table, at the dinner table. Like, they editing, like, all day long. Like, they're actually real time doing this content. Like, real, for real. Exactly.

[Tam Bam]

But are they living?

[A.J. Holiday]

Because it look like it when you.

[Tam Bam]

Are you really living? Are you just a walking Truman Show?

[A.J. Holiday]

Well, we all in the Truman Show.

[Unknown]

I can't speak for any of them, but it's like a combination of both of me. It's like, all right, I'm living in this moment. Oh, let me remember to take a picture of this. Let me just do what I naturally do. A little video, a little one, two, and then I could put it together, and it's gonna appear like I'm living. You know what I'm saying? But it is. Some people today, they on the ground with it. They just getting all the angles.

[A.J. Holiday]

The boyfriends know how to do it now.

[Unknown]

They ain't even dating their boyfriend. The boyfriend literally just videographer Thomas.

[A.J. Holiday]

What's your wife? Instagram.

[Unknown]

Go right.

[Tam Bam]

Videographer her always doing family pictures.

[Unknown]

Bab. Those pictures turned out good.

[Tam Bam]

That, like, who the hell is living.

[A.J. Holiday]

With DJ Envy to do that? All day.

[Tam Bam]

No, literally.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, literally.

[Unknown]

That's crazy.

[Tam Bam]

So, all right. What advice would you give to anybody that's like, either pivoting from another field and wants to get in tech, but isn't like, tech savvy?

[Unknown]

Do it. Like I said, anything can be tailored to tech. I know nurses that have hit me like, hey, I. I'm gonna book a session with you because I'm tired of standing on my feet for eight hours. And that's fine because you can get in and be a scrum master for healthcare. You could be a business analyst for healthcare.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, people. One of my friends, she's like a. Administrative Healthcare. Yeah. So it's definitely tech.

[Unknown]

Yeah, it's definitely tech. So anything, Everything is tech. If you use a computer, it's some way, some text is there.

[Tam Bam]

And that's why you cancel me out right there.

[A.J. Holiday]

Your phone.

[Unknown]

You use your phone?

[A.J. Holiday]

You bet your phone. Okay, you.

[Tam Bam]

You know what's going on?

[Unknown]

She get on my nerves.

[A.J. Holiday]

Hold on. In what setting? And who the fuck are you saying that to? Girl, your ass is crazy.

[Unknown]

I ain't never heard no white person say, you betcha.

[Tam Bam]

They say.

[Unknown]

They say, like, unless they just being fake, Mr. Rogers.

[A.J. Holiday]

That's it.

[Tam Bam]

Like, can you give that to me before four?

[A.J. Holiday]

You betcha.

[Tam Bam]

I got you. You know what?

[Unknown]

I'm gonna use that on my day.

[A.J. Holiday]

Hold on.

[Tam Bam]

When.

[A.J. Holiday]

When somebody send you something and it says asap, what does that mean to you? Asap, like when though possible. Like window.

[Unknown]

Like right now.

[Tam Bam]

It means immediately or whenever you can get it done.

[A.J. Holiday]

I mean, I mean, actually this in the acronym now, okay?

[Unknown]

Like for me, because I'm a procrastinator. I used to be. I'm recovering. I gotta do that right now.

[Tam Bam]

Okay?

[Unknown]

Because if I don't, then I'm a VF or procrastinator. And I'm gonna think that they. ASAP means tomorrow, and they really meant right now.

[A.J. Holiday]

Right? So Tammy had. And I tried to explain this to her because in the corporate world, if I get an email, if I send somebody some, and I say, I need this asap. I need you to do it right now. So now if I put as soon as possible written out, it's a little different, okay?

[Tam Bam]

Me and her, I sent her a message like, I need this asap. I'm busy. I just put.

[A.J. Holiday]

That wasn't my tone. It's via text, baby. Why are you putting that tone behind?

[Tam Bam]

That's how I heard it.

[A.J. Holiday]

I said, I can't do nothing. I said, I can't do. I can't do nothing else ASAP right now.

[Tam Bam]

No, you said, you know, I'm work. You know, I got a job or something like that. That's how you said it.

[A.J. Holiday]

I'm like, I said, you, you know that I. I know you know I'm working. I can't do this asap.

[Unknown]

Yeah, well, it was the. It was the all caps for me. That's why you probably felt like she came at you like that. Because she probably felt like all asap. Like you yelling, like, as soon as possible, like, at her.

[A.J. Holiday]

Like if you sent an email in a corporate world with some all cap.

[Unknown]

Chat, you yelling at me and I'm.

[Tam Bam]

About to ASAP capitalized by itself. When you put it in there, it just got big. And I sent you. And then she was like, I know you know that. I know that you know, it was.

[A.J. Holiday]

Wasn't. That wasn't the first message, Tammy B. No, that wasn't a first. That was multiple. It was a slew of messages. And then that was the last one. So now I got all these tasks to do on top of what I'm currently doing. That has nothing to do with her or this podcast.

[Unknown]

But how did that make you feel? Did you feel overwhelmed in them?

[A.J. Holiday]

Absolutely.

[Unknown]

That's why you said absolutely.

[A.J. Holiday]

So I.

[Tam Bam]

How am I supposed to know that this is call instead of call instead? We already been talking about. This is stuff that we already had.

[A.J. Holiday]

To do instead of texting.

[Unknown]

Okay. So maybe you could have just.

[A.J. Holiday]

Or help me.

[Unknown]

You could have positioned the text a little bit better. And that's like, hey, do you think you can.

[A.J. Holiday]

Hey, Ashley, this need to be such that you think you can do that?

[Unknown]

They're working.

[Tam Bam]

We all working. Why do I need to say that?

[Unknown]

But maybe you just need to say.

[A.J. Holiday]

That because I wouldn't send you ASAP ever, because I know you're working.

[Tam Bam]

But what's the difference? I don't see. All right, I get what you're saying, but you don't see the difference? No, like, it's just as soon as you're possible. That means as soon as possible. So when it's possible, send it.

[A.J. Holiday]

What I'm trying to get you to see is, like, the perspective and like, the difference and why people read things, especially via text, even when you send an email.

[Unknown]

I don't really like. I don't really like that text. And I ain't gonna lie. I'm a caller.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, I want to talk.

[Unknown]

I want to talk because, like, as being an overthinker, you can overthink yourself into some like, oh, she got an attitude. Or. And that might not even be a tone. And I fell out with a person because they thought I had an attitude via text. Via text. And I didn't even feel the way.

[A.J. Holiday]

Exactly, exactly.

[Tam Bam]

Right.

[Unknown]

So just.

[A.J. Holiday]

And that's why I be saying, don't text. Because we be having all. Like, this is a whole nother thing. We have all type of little weird shit going on via text.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah, but if we could just talk. Yeah, but I understand that, but you.

[Unknown]

Busy, so I get it.

[Tam Bam]

Like, I got a million moving parts. I'm in school, I'm traveling from place to place. I'm doing here, I'm doing the podcast. I don't have time to talk to you all the time. If I could just send a message. What's the difference between an email and a text?

[A.J. Holiday]

Texting, if you got something, if it's real important, if it's real pertinent, you pick up the phone and say it. It cannot be that important. You gotta have plenty of time to sit and text a paragraph. I don't got time to text a paragraph.

[Unknown]

Well, my thing is, I just kind of feel like it's about the person. Everyone's different. So she's basically telling you that her communication style is to call her.

[Tam Bam]

Yeah, after that. After we argued about that. After we argued about it. Now she wants to call. We've been texting for five years.

[A.J. Holiday]

She could find a text from five years ago where I told her to stop texting me. I know you can. Five years ago, I said, tammy, if it's business, please call me.

[Tam Bam]

I bet you find it. Oh, girl.

[A.J. Holiday]

You know what I googled the other day? I'm gonna tell you after we finish recording. Anyway, we all wrap it up. Anyway, so we had a segment and we talk back. Cause dumb bitch stories or for the men, it is the SIMP series. So you have to give us a time or a moment where you got played by. I mean, opposite sex. I assume you're heterosexual. I don't know.

[Tam Bam]

Yes.

[A.J. Holiday]

You know, y' all millennials.

[Unknown]

It's been a time. It had been a time to be alive. But the most one I feel when the man, he tried to money manipulate me.

[Tam Bam]

What does that mean?

[Unknown]

Meaning, like, he was trying to use me, but, like, giving me, like, he was homeless. A little bit, like, sad story, like, I need to move in with you. I need help with this. And we're dating. And at first he came off strong. Like, you know, he was that man. He had it together. But then the representative fell off and he showed his true colors. And then he kind of, like, did, like, this little sick ass story. And me being the person I am.

[A.J. Holiday]

Like, oh, okay, this could be my husband. Let me help my husband. Let me help, girl.

[Unknown]

He's a good man. Savannah. Let me help my husband. I did that. And then I realized this is what the you do. You do this to every bitch.

[Tam Bam]

So he's a.

[Unknown]

A hobo session and a money manipulator.

[A.J. Holiday]

Money manipulator.

[Tam Bam]

You were giving him a lot of money.

[Unknown]

No, I wasn't, like, giving him a lot of money. But, like, when I say a money manipulator, meaning, like, have you. I don't know if you ever been on a date, but have you ever went on a date and the guy orders for you? Like, and that's fine if you order for me, right? But it's kind of like you order for me because you don't want me to get an expensive drink like you. You have a budget, and you want me to stay within your budget.

[Tam Bam]

That's lit. Yeah, I don't like people to order from me. That'll piss me off real fast.

[Unknown]

And so that's what I mean by money manipulation. Because then when we leave and I was like, oh, I wanted to order this drink, you kind of say, oh, yeah, you. You tell me, oh, well, I had a budget. Why the fuck did you take me on a date? And if you want. If you had a budget, that's fine. Why didn't you say that from the beginning? While we get there? And the waitress is right there, and she's like, oh, what do you want to order? Oh, she'll have a Bahama Mama.

[A.J. Holiday]

No, she gonna have.

[Tam Bam]

Bring a plate of lemons. Bring a plate of lemons in some water, nigga.

[A.J. Holiday]

I want a patron.

[Unknown]

I want some Cos amigos. You gonna order me a Bahama Mama? Is that Exactly. Because it's $5.

[A.J. Holiday]

On a special. On a special. So you ain't dating who use Groupons, I presume. Okay, got it.

[Unknown]

That's the money manipulation part.

[A.J. Holiday]

I don't know. I just feel like he still wants to date, and he doesn't really have the money to do so. But you do need money to be outside. Like, outside is expensive. As soon as you step your foot out there. A hundred dollars. A couple more inches, 200. Like it. It's expensive to be outside, and it's expensive to date, either.

[Tam Bam]

If you can't be. If you can't spend money, be creative. That's what I think.

[Unknown]

Exactly. Like, you could have just been like, you could have got you a bottle of wine and said, hey, let's go to a park. Let's have a picnic. But you decided to take me to this, this lounge. We a here lounge.

[A.J. Holiday]

You know, you can't spend no money.

[Unknown]

You go ask me if I want to. I assume you won't know. I want a hookah. I don't even know no hookah. But I gonna say, you.

[A.J. Holiday]

I'm glad I'm not a man. Don't even smoke hookah, Just get hookah. Cause a paid for it.

[Tam Bam]

I like hookah.

[Unknown]

I like hookah.

[A.J. Holiday]

I don't like hookah.

[Unknown]

But like, most men want hookah themselves. So, like, girl, not the hookah daddies. The hookah daddies.

[Tam Bam]

So how do you get rid of this guy?

[Unknown]

I just basically told him he doesn't, like he doesn't have enough money to date me right now. And you have to get your priorities straight. And he was like, how? When I gave him the example of us going out and I was just like, I kind of feel like you were you too afraid. I'd rather you be. Stand up with me and be real and say, look, I'm on a budget right now, whatever the case may be, and be more creative. And I was just like, you don't have that for me right now. And I'm dating high value men because I'm a high value woman. And I blocked his ass after day. There's nothing else for us to talk about. What else we talking about?

[Tam Bam]

Niggas gonna be mad about that statement though.

[Unknown]

Are they?

[Tam Bam]

Yeah, they gonna be like. Cause I feel like guys are always. They feel like they only validated through their pocket.

[Unknown]

Well, didn't I just say though, you could have communicated. That's the part for me. You did not communicate. You didn't have to give me your whole life story of what's going on. But you could have. Literally. I respect a man that says, hey, this our budget for the day. Like, this is where I'm at with it.

[A.J. Holiday]

Okay, great.

[Tam Bam]

And if he said, we got 65, you'll be like.

[Unknown]

You can be creative with 65 if it's a creative date.

[Tam Bam]

No, I agree. But I think a lot of men are led by ego and they don't want to admit that they ain't got it.

[A.J. Holiday]

And then they have to get over the ego because that's where repair comes in. That's where change comes in. Right? Put your ego to the side and fix your life.

[Tam Bam]

It's not having to look your Woman in the face and be like, look.

[Unknown]

But then you get the girl.

[Tam Bam]

They will never hold on, baby, look at me. You got to get these behind my mama. So I'm going get you two.

[A.J. Holiday]

Okay, Two for five.

[Unknown]

If you would have set the tone, I might have been like, okay, but you ain't set this tone.

[A.J. Holiday]

You done. You lead. Yeah, I done been out with a guy before, and I just saw how he looked at the receipt. And I just put my money on the table and then just don't talk to him no more. Yeah.

[Unknown]

Because that's just.

[Tam Bam]

He felt.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah, like, let me just pay for this. This whole thing on. Get up out of here. Because I don't need no man fretting over the bill.

[Tam Bam]

Sometimes I do too.

[A.J. Holiday]

But don't you gotta get. Listen, women come with the money. Yeah, they come with the money. It's just true. And then you. You'll then have access to the woman you actually want. Because a lot of times these guys be settling for who they got because that's where their pockets at. Right. Then she don't expect much.

[Unknown]

Exactly.

[A.J. Holiday]

Right. But then they want women who have. Who have expectations to come down here so they can still have access to that pussy. No, because you don't want that for your daughter. So quit playing in our faces. I am Jerome's daughter, okay? And he don't want that for me.

[Tam Bam]

Right.

[A.J. Holiday]

So quit playing with me. So, yeah, you got. Just stop dating until you get your shit together. It's for women, too.

[Unknown]

It is same for women.

[Tam Bam]

Like, literally when you say that, get your shit together. You mean like financially?

[A.J. Holiday]

All the things. Yeah, like how you. You're not a broke man, is not a happy man. These niggas on the Internet don't have a couple dollars and they fucking mad.

[Tam Bam]

I don't know nobody who's heavy broke.

[A.J. Holiday]

Nobody.

[Unknown]

Nobody. And like, I really feel like it's important for women too, because, like, when I was like, not working at one point or whatever, I'm not going on no dates.

[A.J. Holiday]

I'm not having sex. I'm not having.

[Unknown]

I'm not. I'm not doing none of that because I can't. I literally. The guy I'm dating now, we started talking in that moment. I was like getting back on my feet. Had got like a lower paying job. And he was like, wanting to. He was like, I want us to be together. And I was like, I do not feel comfortable being with you. I'm not where I want to be. And he just could not understand it. He was like, why don't you want to be with me? And I was like, because I'm not making the money I want to make.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

I can't focus on you right now.

[A.J. Holiday]

And that's the attitude that men should have, too. Like, get your shit together, man, so you could be happy.

[Unknown]

Exactly.

[A.J. Holiday]

I want a happy man. Yeah, I got a happy man.

[Unknown]

Order Amino Bahama Mamas.

[Tam Bam]

Tell everybody where they can find you. Plug all your things.

[Unknown]

Yeah, you can find me on social media at adorecoachvanity. I book a session. I actually have a tech community, so please go on the website, join, because I want to do, like, events in Charlotte, so please come out and support me on that. And I got you guys a gift.

[Tam Bam]

Oh, we love gifts.

[A.J. Holiday]

We got what we got.

[Unknown]

So I got you guys a journal. Okay. Because I feel it's important to write. Oh, I put your things out. Okay. And it's really. It's a lot of room in here to write.

[A.J. Holiday]

Okay.

[Tam Bam]

I love a journal.

[A.J. Holiday]

I'm turning into a frog.

[Tam Bam]

This is. Thank you so much. I really will use this.

[A.J. Holiday]

It's all nice. This is good life coaching. Yes. Adore your life.

[Unknown]

Adore your life. Because I feel like you have to endure your life to just live life.

[Tam Bam]

I need to. I needed a new one, so thank you. Mine is full.

[A.J. Holiday]

I hear that.

[Unknown]

And whatever you put in there, aj, it don't matter. Matter.

[Tam Bam]

She gonna write spells in there.

[Unknown]

That's fine.

[A.J. Holiday]

No, I have a spell books. I write in there.

[Unknown]

Okay.

[A.J. Holiday]

So it's the same thing. I just have it written. And she gave me, like, a couple.

[Tam Bam]

I gave her a couple journals that she uses, like, to keep up chair balanced.

[A.J. Holiday]

Yeah.

[Unknown]

So she might pull them out and write in them. I just want you to write how you're gonna adore your life in that one.

[A.J. Holiday]

Got it.

[Unknown]

Going forward.

[Tam Bam]

Amen. We appreciate you.

[Unknown]

Thank y' all for having me.

[A.J. Holiday]

Thank you.

[Tam Bam]

This is great. I love, love you so much. Give me some love.

[A.J. Holiday]

I want a hug, too. Yes.

[Unknown]

Oh, no. This was amazing. And, Thomas, thank you as well, because.

[Tam Bam]

All right, Close us out, girlfriend.

[A.J. Holiday]

All right, y'. All, you enjoyed this episode, y' all. Tune in every Thursday on iHeartRadio app or wherever the you get your podcast at. This is your co host, AJ Holiday 2.0 on Instagram. Sky Tam, y'.

[Tam Bam]

All. It's official. Tam Bam on Instagram. I love y', all, y', all so, so very much. Y' all, remember, speak now or forever hold your beat. No, no, you guys say never hold your take.

[A.J. Holiday]

You know something?

[Tam Bam]

Deuces y'. All.

[A.J. Holiday]

We Talk Back Podcast is a production of iHeartRadio. Visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

[Vanity Weir]

Taking control of your career is empowering. Just don't tell my boss I said that. Just kidding. I am the boss. This is Carlos Miller from the 85 South Show. And building a career isn't just about a job. It's about creating a path that impacts our community and future generations. Whether you're starting out or even making big moves, State Farm is here to support you with resources to help protect what you're working hard to achieve. They've got your back every step of the way. Because, like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Find out [e-mail] this is an I Heart podcast.