What Your Therapist Thinks

Episode Summary: "How Do I Get Over Someone? The Science of Heartbreak" with Colette J. Fehr

Hosts: Felicia Keller Boyle & Kristie Plantinga
Guest: Colette J. Fehr, Licensed Psychotherapist, Relationship Expert, Author
Release Date: March 18, 2026
Episode Theme:
A candid exploration of heartbreak, breakups, and the science-backed path to getting over someone you love. The hosts and their expert guest dig into burning questions about emotional recovery post-breakup, why it hurts so much, and how to actually begin to feel better—with an emphasis on real-world, sometimes messy, psychological truths.

Main Themes and Purpose

• Universality and Science of Heartbreak:
  Breakups, from fleeting flings to divorces, are a nearly-universal emotional experience. The episode explores why heartbreak is so painful, why it’s so hard to move on (especially when you still love someone), and how long healing realistically takes according to science—not self-help cliches.
• Therapist Real Talk:
  Colette J. Fehr, with both clinical and personal experience, dispels myths around heartbreak, details evidence-based approaches to recovery, and directly addresses listener anxieties sourced from Reddit and social media.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Pain and Science of Heartbreak

• Heartbreak takes time—sometimes years.
  • “It can really take four to eight years to completely get over somebody.” (Colette, 00:00; 21:44)
  • The acute phase of heartbreak is typically a year to a year and a half.
• Breakups Are Not Just Emotional—They’re Physical:
  • Brain scans show heartbreak activates pain centers, comparable to physical injury.
  • “The pain of it is comparable on PET scans of the brain to physical pain, to a knife being stuck in your body and twisted.” (Colette, 09:02)
• Attachments are Biological:
  • We are “wired for connection” (Colette, 09:02). Losing a romantic bond can trigger an existential “death” response.

2. Why No Contact is (Usually) Critical

• Firm Stand on No Contact:
  • “In my professional opinion, no matter what the circumstances [you should go no contact].” (Colette, 08:23)
  • It’s necessary to let attachment bonds extinguish, much like overcoming addiction.
• Physics of “Relapsing”:
  • Staying in touch resets healing.
  • “Every time I talked to him... initial relief... then I would feel sad again and reset the whole withdrawal process. It’s just like addiction.” (Colette, 12:33)
• Caveats:
  • With co-parenting, only “business professional, talking about the kids only.” (09:12-)
• Online Debate:
  • Some say it’s harsh, but “You have to take care of yourself.” (Colette, 12:33)
• Aftermath:
  • Often, if you reconnect later, "a lot of the time you don’t even care about being friends with the person anyway." (Colette, 17:04)

3. The Myths and The Reality—How Long Does It Take?

• Not about relationship length:
  • “I don’t think it’s related to the length of the relationship at all. We have the desire to operationalize things so we feel more in control… Unfortunately, humans just don’t work that way.” (Colette, 23:33)
• Acute phase insight:
  • Six months is often the most intense, after which things start to get easier.
• Factors in Healing:
  • Attachment style, self-esteem, trauma or abandonment history, and the on/off dynamic can all impact recovery time. (24:38)
• Validating all grief:
  • “If you’ve been feeling bad because you dated someone for a few weeks, but you’re a wreck months later... it’s not outside the norm.” (Felicia, 24:38)

4. Practical Tools for Healing

• The Big Three:
  1. No Contact: Sever bonds to allow nervous system reset.
  2. Invest in Yourself: Not about distractions, but real self-care and self-reconnection.
  3. Honest Inventory: Write out both the good and the bad of the relationship and revisit these lists to ground yourself in reality, not longing. (Colette, 03:56-08:09)
• Find Support and Community:
  • Reaching out to friends, relying on your village (“Can I just follow you around for the next few days?”), even sending texts you’d send to the ex to a friend instead (Felicia, 14:23), is a valid survival tactic.
• Limit Social Media Checking:
  • “Even keeping in touch... checking someone’s social media... can keep an attachment bond going. You’ve really got to extinguish it all...” (Colette, 28:27)

5. Seeking/Needing Closure

• Closure usually doesn’t happen through a final conversation.
  • “You’re either gonna get bs… or you’re not gonna get a real answer.” (Colette, 36:50)
  • Occasionally, it happens—but it's rare and can't be forced.
  • “The reason it often feels so unsatisfying is that if someone’s ending something, they’re just not that into you… and it’s not a reflection of your worth.” (Colette, 36:50)

6. Common (and Debated) “Advice” – What Really Works?

• The "Get under someone to get over someone" trope:
  • Not a fix-all. Often leads to more pain; may increase feelings of longing.
    • Redditor: “It was the least intimate experience I’ve ever had... I started crying almost automatically and burst into tears when I was sure he couldn’t hear me anymore.” (Reddit, 40:50)
    • Colette: “Most of them in therapy will say, you know, I slept with… 10 different people… and I’m still fucking miserable.” (41:59)
    • If you try, ask yourself: what experience am I really seeking?
• The "You'll find someone else" platitude:
  • Supportive in theory but often invalidating if forced by others.
    • “When you’re in the throes of a breakup… hearing ‘one day you’ll meet someone great’... makes you feel like shit.” (Colette, 45:38)
    • What helps most is simply having your pain witnessed: “Right now, I need a witness to the pain of what I’ve lost.” (Reddit reading, 44:40)

7. The “One Who Got Away” and Chasing Regret

• Regret and Wanting to Reconnect:
  • “When we’re in the throes of this withdrawal…it’s easy to have this cognitive distortion... This person was meant to be.” (Colette, 32:52)
    • If you ended it and regret it, it’s reasonable to check back once. But often, the reality resurfaces quickly.
    • “Most of the time… that second try, all roads are going to lead back to whatever created the breakup in the first place.” (Colette, 32:52)
    • If they ended it, “that’s all the information you need.” (Colette, 32:52)

8. Becoming Whole—With or Without a Partner

• Wholeness does not require a relationship.
  • “I loved my life. And then, of course, I met someone, but I had no desire for a romantic relationship at that point.” (Colette, 50:19)
• Self-love first:
  • “Love yourself first. Find a hot nerd. Nothing can go wrong.” (Felicia, 54:31; group laughs)
• Single life is valid and fulfilling.
  • “Are you allowed to be a happy, fulfilled person who’s complete on your own, even when you’re single?” (Felicia, 49:37)

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On the timeline of heartbreak:
  • “It can really take four to eight years to completely get over somebody.”
    — Colette J. Fehr (00:00; repeated at 21:44)
• Why no contact matters:
  • “Our brain will be constantly trying to find a way to narrate why it makes sense to keep in touch with that person.”
    — Colette J. Fehr (00:15; see 12:33 for full science/analogy to addiction)
• On physical pain of heartbreak:
  • “The pain of it is comparable on PET scans of the brain to physical pain, to a knife being stuck in your body and twisted.”
    — Colette J. Fehr (09:02)
• On not shaming heartbreak:
  • “Don’t beat yourself up. I’ll leave it at that. Don’t beat yourself up.”
    — Felicia Keller Boyle (32:11)
• Truth about closure:
  • “You’re either gonna get bs that is totally not true, right? ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ You’re not gonna get a real answer.”
    — Colette J. Fehr (36:50)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Introduction and why heartbreak hurts — 00:00 – 05:00
• Colette’s clinical and personal heartbreak experience — 02:33 – 03:56
• The three pillars of getting over someone — 03:56 – 08:09
• Why no contact is essential — 08:09 – 16:29
• How long does it really take? Is it about relationship length? — 21:44 – 24:38
• Coping strategies: friends, self-care, social media — 28:27 – 30:49
• Seeking closure & Reddit heartbreak stories — 35:02 – 43:26
• Debunking “get under to get over” — 40:50 – 44:40
• Dealing with “you’ll find someone else” — 44:40 – 50:19
• Self-love, singlehood, and moving forward — 50:19 – 54:39
• Behind-the-scenes therapist thoughts — 54:39 – 57:30

Memorable/Relatable Moments

• Felicia texting her friend breakup messages intended for her ex (14:23)
• Colette’s personal story of the “cool girl” who stayed friends with an ex, only to be devastated later (19:12)
• The shared therapist feeling of “agony and powerlessness” as clients repeat heartbreak stories—"I don't mind being that space for someone" (Colette, 56:53)
• Felicia’s shoebox of cards to her future partner during her single years (51:58)

Actionable Takeaways

• Allow yourself to grieve; it’s normal, it’s biological, and there’s no set timeline.
• No contact is tough but vital for most people; this includes social media.
• Process your emotions in community—friends often help more than advice does.
• Resist platitudes; what most need is space to feel, not advice to move on.
• Self-love, healing, and being “enough” on your own are the foundation—romance is an addition, not a fix.

This episode is essential listening for anyone navigating heartbreak, craving science-backed validation, or simply tired of the platitudes around love and loss. The message: Feeling devastated is deeply human, and healing is possible—often slower and messier than we wish, but always within reach.