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Having seen the death and destruction visited on his neighbors by the Israelite army, local king Balak tries a different tactic, hiring Certified Hedge Wizard Balaam to curse the Israelites. God repeatedly trolls Balaam on his way to this new job with contradictory FaceTime calls, invisible angels, and a talking donkey. God finally lets Balaam get on with it, but then literally puts his own words in Balaam’s mouth, leading to a musical pronouncement of Israel’s awesomeness. Balak tries rebooting the cursing ceremony but in response, Balaam predicts that Balak’s people are next in line for destruction. We cap off the episode with the dire consequences of listening to your girlfriend about which God to worship, which may include being impaled by a javelin-throwing priest. (Numbers 22:2–25:9)

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