A guy got SHOT at a wedding because someone called him out for eating meatballs with his dirt dick beaters. John and the Duchess kick things off with a genuine controversy: McDonald's apple pie temperature inconsistency, which somehow leads to the Duchess eating two pies in one sitting. Then the news gets heavy fast. A New Jersey cop used law enforcement databases to stalk teenage girls. An Alabama man died of a heart attack while literally in the middle of dumping his girlfriend's body. A French asylum case so disturbing it speaks for itself — no commentary needed. And a Supreme Court ruling on mail-in ballots that the mainstream press is calling routine, but John isn't buying it for one second — he walks through the flood of public comments calling it exactly what it looks like, Trump fires back demanding photo ID and proof of citizenship, and the Amy Coney Barrett second-guessing begins. The five Republican holdouts get named, and nobody softens a word of it.

Things lighten back up — barely — with the Detroit Lions' Terrion Arnold facing life in prison on kidnapping and armed robbery charges nobody in mainstream sports media wants to touch, and a heartfelt Mel Brooks 100th birthday tribute complete with the AFI's Blazing Saddles ranking controversy. And because the news cycle never lets up, they close it out completely off the rails: a real-life Mexican vigilante Batman taping thieves to telephone poles, Dean's groan-worthy Batman and Star Wars jokes, and Sparky Toaster somehow nailing his 90-second voicemail time limit with nine seconds to spare. Come hang with people who say what they actually think.

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Links:

NJ Creepy Cop Pleads Guilty

Alabama Man Strangles Girlfriend, Dies of Heart Attack While Dragging Her Body Into the Woods — Found Dead Beside Her

Groomsman eating meatballs with his hands at wedding leads to shooting that injured 2

Moose Lamb Asylum Seeker caught Raping 5 Goats and a Lamb now convicted

Students allegedly threatened to expose teacher’s OnlyFans account to get better grades

In Celebration of Mel Brooks' 100th Birthday, the American Film Institute Declares “Blazing Saddles” the Funniest Film of All Time

NFL player Terrion Arnold gets $1M bail after allegedly using teen lover to lure victims with booty call promise