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Welcome to the Chinese Lore Podcast, where I retell classic Chinese stories in English. This is episode 49 of Journey to the West. Last time, the pilgrims found themselves locked in a battle of powers against the three Daoist priests who had won the favor of the king of the Slokeart Kingdom. Calling on his connections with the gods, Sun Wukong defeated Tiger Immortal in a wager to see who could summon the ring. The king was just about to let the pilgrims go on their merry way, but Tiger Immortal refused to let the matter drop. Instead, he challenged the pilgrims to a duel of meditation atop two super tall stacks of tables. Now, Sun Wukong usually leaps at being challenged to anything, but on this occasion he fell silent. Fellow disciple Zhu Bajie asked him, what's up? And Wukong said, brother, to tell you the truth, if it's kicking the heavens, meddling with the cosmos, stirring seas and overturning rivers, shouldering mountains and chasing the moon, shifting the dipper and moving the stars, I can do all that. Even if it's having my head cut off or my brains smashed in, my belly split open, or my heart gouged out, or undergoing all kinds of strange transformations, none of that scares me. But when it comes to sitting still and meditating, I'm no good. I don't have the temperament for it. Even if you chained me to a steel column, I would be climbing up and down. How can I sit still at this point? Sanzang raised his hand and was like, hey, I'm actually useful for once. Oh, that's great. Wukong said with delight. How long can you sit still for? In my youth, I met a wandering monk who explained the way to me. My essence is divinely calm. Even in moments of crisis. I can sit still for two or three years. Oh, Master, if you were to sit still for two or three years, then we can forget about fetching scriptures. Wukong joked, it won't be more than two or three hours before you can come back down. But I can't get up to the top, Sanzang said, remembering that Tiger Immortal had thrown in an additional rule that the contestants could could not climb up the tall stacks of tables, but instead had to fly up. Oh, just go answer the challenge and I'll send you up there. Wukong told him so. San Zang pressed his palms together in front of his chest and told the I can meditate. The king immediately ordered his men to set up two towers of 50 stack tables each. Within an hour, the towers were set up in front of the main hall of the palace TABLE Tiger Immortal now stood between the two towers, leaped, stepped onto a cloud, flew up to the western tower, and sat down. Sun Wukong then got up to his old tricks. He plucked off one of his own hairs, turned it into a doppelganger of himself to stand next to Zhu Bajie and Sha Zeng at the foot of the towers. His real self, meanwhile, turned into a colorful cloud, lifted San Zang into the air, and set him down on top of the eastern tower. Wukong then turned into a small bug, landed on Zhu Bajie's ear, and whispered, brother, keep a close eye on Master and don't speak to my doppelganger. Ba Jie chuckled in acknowledgment. Meanwhile, up above, the two contestants were having either the chillest face off ever or the most intense sitting session ever. Both sat motionless in silent meditation for a good long time. Hours passed, and down below, one of the other Taoist priests, dear Immortal, saw that the contestants were evenly matched. So he decided to give his brother Tiger Immortal a hand with some shenanigans. He plucked a short hair off the back of his head, rolled it into a tiny ball, and and flicked it up to the top of the eastern tower. It landed on San Zang's head. The hare now turned into a big stinky bug and started to bite San Zang. Feeling first the itch and then the pain, San Zang started getting a little antsy. Per the rules, he couldn't lift his hand to scratch or he would lose. So he started moving his head and trying to rub the itch against his clothes, but to no avail. Watching from below, Zhu Bajie said, uh oh, Master is having a seizure. Sha Zeng chimed in, no, he must be having a headache. But Wukong told them, master is a man of the utmost sincerity. If he said that he could sit still in meditation, then he can. Otherwise he won't have said it. He doesn't lie. Be quiet and let me go have a look. So Wukong, still in insect form, flew up to San Zang's head. There he saw a stink bug the size of a pea biting his master. Hukong hurriedly removed the bug and scratched San Zang's head. Feeling the relief, San Zang once again sat still. Meanwhile, Sun Wukong thought to himself, monks heads are bald. They don't even have a single flea, so how could he have a stink bug? This must be that priest's dirty trick. Heh. Since they are evenly matched, let me go have a little fun with him. So Wukong flew over to the western tower, turned himself into a 7 inch long centipede, and crawled up Tiger Immortal's nostril. Tiger Immortal could not possibly sit still with a creepy crawly going up his nose, and he tumbled backward and fell off the tower. He nearly plummeted to his death, but lucky for him, a bunch of officials broke his fall and helped him up. The king was shocked and immediately had the royal tutor lead Tiger Immortal to a private chamber to get cleaned up. Hukong, meanwhile, turned back into a cloud and carried Sanzang back down. So once again the pilgrims had won the wager and the king was about to let them be on their way. But this time, the second priest, dear Immortal, protested, your Highness, my brother has long had a hidden head ailment. It must have acted up when he got up so high. That's why the monk won. Keep the monk here for now. Let me face off against him on guessing through a screen. What do you mean guessing through a screen? The king asked. I can sense objects on the other side of a screen. Let's see if that monk can do so as well. If he can outguess me, then they may go. But if not, then, you, Highness must punish them and avenge our sect so as not to forget the 20 years that we have spent pro protecting your kingdom. The muddle headed king once again went along with this. He ordered his men to bring a red cabinet into the hall. He had his queen put a royal treasure inside the cabinet before bringing it into the center of the hall. He then told the two sides to guess what's inside. San Zhang looked to Sun Wukong and asked, um, now what? Wu Wukong again worked his magic, turned into a tiny bug and perched on San Zang's head, turning, telling him, master, don't worry, let me go have a look. He then flew over to the cabinet, perched on his feet and noticed a tiny seam in the wood. He crawled through the seam into the cabinet. Inside, he saw a red platter that held a robe embroidered with patterns of mountains and rivers symbolizing the kingdom. Wukong picked up the robe and crumbled it into a tangled mess. He then bit his tongue and split, sprayed a mouthful of blood on it and shouted, change. The fancy robe turned into a shabby, tattered monk's robe. But Sun Wukong was not done. He still had to leave his trademark. He now peed on the robe before crawling back out through the seam. He flew over to San Zang and whispered in his ear, master, you should guess that it's a tattered monk's robe. But the king said to guess the treasure. San Zang whispered back, how can a tattered monk's robe be a treasure? Oh, don't worry about it, just guess. So San Zang stepped forth and was about to guess, but dear immortal cut in front of him and said, I'm going first. Inside the cabinet is a mountain and river robe. But San Zang said, not so, not so. Inside is a tattered monk's robe. The king fumed, this monk is too rude. How. How dare he imply that our kingdom is so poor that we would call a tattered monk's robe a treasure? Men, arrest him. The guards approached and San Zang said in a panic, your Highness, please spare me for a moment and open the cabinet. If it's really a treasure, then I will submit to punishment. But if it's not a treasure, then aren't you punishing me unjustly? The king was like, fine, I'll give you no room for complaint. So he ordered his men to open up the cabinet, but when the attendant brought out a tray, it indeed held a tattered and kind of stinky monk's robe. Who put this in here? The king asked angrily from behind his throne, his queen came out and said, my lord, I personally put the mountain and river robe inside. I don't know how it could've turned into this. I see. Wife, you may go. I know that we have nothing but fancy clothes in the palace and that we would never have such trash. The king then told the bring the cabinet here. I will personally hide a treasure inside, and we will try again. The king now went to the royal garden in the back of the palace and plucked a huge peach the size of a bowl from his special peach tree. He put the peach into the cabinet in secret and then told the two sides to guess. Okay, stashing a peach with a monkey around. Now you're just asking for it. Sun Wukong again flew into the cabinet, and this time he was delighted. A few moments later, he flew back out, landed on San Zhang's ear, and said, master, say that it's a peach pit. Don't toy with me. San Zang said, the king almost punished me the first time because he didn't like my answer. We must guess a treasure this time. How can a peach pit be a treasure? Oh, don't worry, just beat the priests first. Wukong reassured him. San Zhang was just about to speak up, but the third priest, Goat immortal, cut him off. Let me go first. It's an immortal peach. Not a peach, but a peach Pit. Sanzang corrected him. Hmm. I personally put a peach inside. The king scolded San Zang, how can you say that? It's a peach pit. The third preceptor is right. Your Highness, please open up the cabinet San Zang requested. So the attendant once again opened up the cabinet and brought out the tray. And lo and behold, it was indeed a peach pit, completely stripped of every scrap of flesh or peel. The king was stunned and alarmed. He said to the preceptors, don't wager against them anymore, just let them go. I personally stashed a peach inside, but now it's only a pit. Who could have eaten it? They must have gods and ghosts helping them. Zhu Bajie smirked at Sha Zeng and whispered, heh, they don't know that we have an old hand at eating peaches. Just then, Tiger Immortal, now bandaged up after his fall, came back into the hall and he said, you, Highness, this monk has the power of secretly swapping out objects. Bring the cabinet up here. I will break his magic and then make him guess again. You want to do this again? The bewildered king asked. His powers can only swap out objects, but not people. Tiger Immortal said, hide a Taoist acolyte inside the cabinet and the monk won't be able to swap him. The king agreed. So they stashed a young Daoist acolyte inside the cabinet, closed it up, and headed brought back down into the hall. Then they challenged San Zang to guess again. So Sun Wukong once again flew into the cabinet. When he saw that the secret object this time was a Taoist acolyte, he turned himself into an old Taoist priest and appeared inside the cabinet. Master, where did you come from? The. The young acolyte said with surprise. Oh, I sneaked in with my magic. Wukong told him. What instructions do you have for me? The boy asked. That monk saw you come into the cabinet. If he guesses that it's an acolyte inside, we would lose again. So I have come to strategize with you. Let me shave your head, and then we will guess that there is a monk inside the cabinet. Master, do whatever you want, just as long as we beat them. If we lose to them again, it would make us look bad and the court would stop respecting us. Exactly. Come over here. Once we have beaten them, I will reward you handsomely. Wukong now turned his golden rod into a shaving knife. He held the young acolyte in his arms and said, good boy, Put up with the pain and don't Make a sound. I will shave you now. Soon the acolyte was bald. Wukong gathered up all the hair, rolled it into a clump and and shoved it into a crack in the cabinet feet. He then put away his knife, felt the boy's bald head, and said, my child, your head looks like a monk, but your clothes don't. Take it off and let me change it for you. So the acolyte removed the pale greenish white crane cloak that he was wearing, and Sun Wukong blew on it and said, change. The cloak turned into a plain earthen yellow straight robe. Wukong had the acolyte put this on. He then plucked a hair off himself and turned it into a wooden fish, the small wooden drum that monks beat while they recited scriptures. He gave it to the acolyte and told him, listen up. If they call for a Taoist acolyte, don't go out there. But if they call for a monk, then open up the cabinet and come out. While beating the wooden fish and reciting a Buddhist scripture, only then can we win. But I only know Taoist scriptures, not Buddhist ones. The acolyte said. Hmm. Do you know the name of the Buddha? Wukong asked. Everybody knows that I'm a Taba. Alright, then, just recite the name Amitabha and remember what I just told you. So Wukong turned back into a bug, flew out, and landed back on Sanzang's ear. Now I have to imagine that it took more than just a couple minutes for Wukong to shave the kid, change his clothes, and talk through the plan with him. So. So what the heck was Sanzang doing this whole time? Vamping? Anyway, Wukong now whispered to Master, tell them that it's a monk. But Tiger Immortal again cut in line and told the Highness, this third treasure is a Taoist acolyte. He then called toward the cabinet, asking the acolyte to come out, but nothing happened. Sun Zang, however, pressed his palms together and and said, it's a monk. Zhu Bajie shouted toward the cabinet with all his might, it's a monk. Inside the cabinet. And right on cue, a kid with a bald head came out from the cabinet dressed in a plain monk's robe, beating a wooden fish and reciting the name Amitabha. All the court officials shouted in approval of San Zang's powers. While the three Taoist priests looked on in stunned silence. The equally stunned king said, this monk must have ghosts and gods helping him. How could a Taoist go into the cabinet and come out a monk? Even if somebody snuck in all they could have done would be to shave his head. How could he have changed into a fitting Buddha's robe and be chanting the Buddha's name? Oh, preceptors just let these monks go on their way. But Tiger Immortal still refused. He said, you, Highness, we have met a worthy rival today. Back when we were studying on Zhongnan Mountain, we learned some martial powers. We might as well use those to wager against them. What martial powers? The king asked. My brothers and I have magical powers. If you cut off our heads, we can put them back on. If you cut out our hearts, they can grow back. If you throw us into a cauldron of boiling oil, we we just treat it like a bath. Well, that escalated quickly. One moment we were just sitting still and playing guessing games, and the next we're talking about cutting off heads and disemboweling yourself. But those three things would all kill you. The king said, we wouldn't have spoken thusly if we didn't have those powers. Tiger Immortal said, we must see this through against those monks. So the king called out to the pilgrims, you monks from the East, My preceptors refuse to let you go. They want to compete against you on cutting off heads, slicing open bellies, and taking baths in hot oil. Wukong was busy flying back and forth. When he heard this, he turned back into himself and laughed out loud. Oh, what great luck. Opportunity has come knocking. But Ba Jie said, brother, those three things are all deadly. How can you say that opportunity has come knocking? Heh. Don't you know my powers? Brother, you can turn into this or that. But do you really have such powers? Oh, if you cut off my head, I can still talk. If you chop off my arms, I can still beat you. Break off my legs, I can still walk. Slice open my belly and it'll heal without a scar. It's just like making dumplings. Pinch them once and swallow them whole. And taking a bath in boiling oil is even easier. It's just a warm rinse to wash away the dirt. Ba Jie and Sha Zheng both laughed out loud when they heard that boast. Wukong now told the Highness, I can do decapitation. How? The king asked. Oh, when I was studying in a Buddhist monastery, I met a monk and he taught me a decapitation trick. I don't know if it's any good, so I'm going to try it out today. The king laughed. This monk is young and ignorant. How can you try out decapitation? Your head is the most important body part if it gets cut off, you will die. But Tiger Immortal cut in. Your Highness, that's exactly what I want. Only then can our anger be assuaged. Well, King Deng once again listened to the priest and ordered his troops to prepare the execution ground. 3,000 soldiers now lined up outside the palace, and the king told Wukong to go first. Wukong did not hesitate. He called out to the priests, hey, preceptors, pardon me for being so bold as to go ahead of you. He then headed outside. San Zhang grabbed him and said, wukong, be careful. This is no game. Oh, there's nothing to be afraid of. Let go. I'll be right back. So Wukong strolled out to the execution ground. The executioners grabbed him, tied him up, and pressed him down on an earthen block. At an officer's command, the executioner's blade fell and so did Wukong's head. And the executioner even gave the head a kick, sending it rolling some 40 steps away like a watermelon. But no blood came out from Wukong's trunk. Instead, a voice rang out from his head. Come here. One of the priests, dear Immortal, was stunned at Wukong's powers, so he decided to pull a dirty trick. He recited an incantation and commanded the local earth, hold on to his head. Once I beat the monks, I will ask the king to turn your little shrine into a huge temple and craft an idol for you. Now, this priest had command of the Five Thunder Magic, which apparently allowed him to control the local earth spirit. So the spirit obeyed his command and indeed held on to Wukong's head. Wukong's body called out, head, come here. But the head remained still on the ground as if it had sprouted roots. Wukong got tired of waiting, so his headless body stood up, shrugged off his ropes, and shouted, grow. And right on cue, another head emerged from his body. The executioners and soldiers were all frightened, and the officer overseeing the execution rushed into the palace and reported to the king, that little monk had his head cut off. But then he grew another one. Zhu Bajie chuckled and said to who knew Brother sun had such skills? Sha Zheng laughed back, he has the power of 72 transformations, so he must have 72 heads. Just then, Sun Wukong, with his shiny new head, strolled back in and called out to San Zang, who was delighted and asked him how he was. Oh, nothing to it. It was kind of fun. Wukong said, brother, do you need some ointment for your scar? Ba Jie asked, Heh, feel my neck and see if there is A scar. Ba Jie felt Wukong's neck and laughed. Miraculous. It's grown back perfectly. No scar at all. While the disciples were chit chatting, the king called out to I will pardon your crimes. Go at once. Go. But Wukong said, it's fine to get our travel papers, but your preceptor also have to have his head cut off first. The King said to Tiger Preceptor, that monk won't let you off the hook. You wanted to wager against him, so you can't go back on your challenge. So Tiger Immortal had no choice but to go out to the execution ground. The executioners tied him up, pushed him down, chopped off his head and kicked it 30 some steps away. His body also did not bleed and it also called out head, come here. But in that moment, Sun Wukong plucked off a hare and turned it into a dog. The dog scampered onto the execution ground, gripped Tiger Immortal's head in its mouth and ran off. It carried the head all the way to the river outside the palace and tossed it into the water. A bye bye head. Back at the execution ground, Tiger Immortal called three times for his head to come back. But the head was too busy drifting down the river to make it back. And unlike Sun Wukong, Tiger Immortal did not know how to grow another head. Moments later, a red beam sprayed out from his body and and he lay dead in the dirt. As the crowd looked on, they saw the headless carcass of a tiger. The officer overseeing the execution came in to tell the King, you, Highness, the senior preceptor had his head cut off, but he couldn't grow another one and died on the spot. Turns out he's a headless tiger. The King turned pale and gazed at the remaining two priests. Without blinking, Dear Immortal rose and said, my brother may have met his end, but how can he be a tiger? It must be that monk's doing, turning my brother into an animal. I cannot spare him. I must compete against him on slicing open our bellies. The King collected himself and called out to Wukong, monk, my second preceptor wants to wager against you. Wukong replied, I usually don't eat cooked food, but a couple days ago, we ran into a generous benefactor who fed us. I ate too many steamed buns and my stomach has been hurting these last few days. I must have intestinal worms. I was just about to ask youk Highness for a knife to cut open my belly, take out my innards and wash them clean so that I'm fit to go west. And see the Buddha. The king ordered his men to take Wukong back to the execution ground. A bunch of soldiers swarmed him, but Wukong waved them off and said, no need for you to hold me. I can walk by myself. But I have one condition. Don't tie me up. I need my hands to wash my innards. The king agreed. So Wukong swaggered back to the execution ground. He leaned up against a wooden post, untied his shirt, and exposed his belly. The executioner fastened his head and feet to the column with a couple ropes and. And then used a small blade to cut a hole in his abdomen. Wukong now pulled the hole open, yanked out his intestines, cleaned each one carefully, and then put them back into his abdomen in neat order. He then held the skin in place over the hole, blew on it, and shouted, grow. And just like that, his belly looked like nothing ever happened. The king was astonished. He held up the pilgrim's travel papers and said, sage monks, don't delay your journey west. Here are your travel papers. Please go. Oh, no, you don't. Wukong was like, I'm not going anywhere until somebody else here cuts open his belly. So the king told Dear Immortal to make good on his wager. Dear Immortal promptly reassured the king, don't worry. I won't lose to him. So he too, swaggered onto the execution ground. The executioners attached him to the post and and sliced open his belly as well. And just like Wukong, Dear Immortal pulled out his intestines and started cleaning them. But just then, Wukong plucked another hair and turned this one into a ravenous eagle. The eagle swooped down, grabbed Dear Immortal's innards with its talons, and flew off to God knows where. Left without his innards, Dear Immortal did not live for long. When the executioners pulled his corpse over, they saw the body of a white stag. The execution officer again rushed back inside the palace to tell the king. The second preceptor had some bad luck. While he was slicing open his belly, a hungry eagle flew off with his innards, and he died. Turns out he's a white stag. What? How could he be a stag? The king said in fear. Well, I mean, look. Tiger Immortal turned out to be a tiger. So is it any surprise that Deer Immortal turned out to be a deer? The last remaining priest was Goat Immortal. Hey, guess what animal he might be. He now got up and told the my brother is dead. But how could he be an animal? It's all this monk's doing. Allow me to avenge my brothers. How would you beat him? The king asked. I will wager against him on taking a bath in a cauldron of boiling oil. So the king ordered his men to heat up a giant cauldron and fill it with fragrant oil. Wukong said, oh, thank you, your highness. I don't usually bathe, and these last couple days my skin has been itching, so a hot soak is perfect. Once the oil was boiling, the king told Wukong to go first. But Wukong asked him, should I do a civil bath or a martial bath? Um, a what now? To see what he means, tune in to the next episode of the Chinese Lore Podcast. Thanks for listening.