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Healing + Human Potential
How to Break Sexual Shame & Reclaim Your Desire with Sex with Emily | EP 85
00:59:57
Is it possible that shame—not desire—is what’s really blocking your pleasure? In this episode, we talk about sex as a somatic healing practice—how it can regulate the nervous system, release stored emotion, and support a deeper sense of...
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- [00:00]
Dr. Emily Morris
Everything's great and we're married, but we don't have great sex. The sex is not a. But sex is not an afterthought. Sex is wellness and your pleasure is important and you have to prioritize it from the jump.
- [00:12]
Alyson Nabriga
I don't think enough people talk about the power of sex as a somatic practice.
- [00:17]
Dr. Emily Morris
I think that sex can be so healing for so many people. There is so much release that can happen when you feel safe because you actually can't fully, fully access pleasure if you're living in an activated trauma state. There's so much judgment around women standing up for their own pleasure. And it's because we'd have to undo decades of cultural conditioning that tells women it's not okay to be sexual, that their sexuality is something to be shamed of, to be hidden. Sex is messy. If we can take our tears or our so called mess and celebrate that as like, wow, this is like true sexual expression, that's another way to really reverse the shame and turn it into pleasure.
- [00:58]
Alyson Nabriga
Another big question that I know people have, everything's great in terms of the relationship, but they're not sexually attracted to them. Can you build that chemistry or does that mean that you're not compatible?
- [01:08]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah. Wow. This is a conundrum.
- [01:10]
Alyson Nabriga
I mean, what if sex wasn't just something that we do, but it's a vital part of our healing and wellness. In today's episode, we're diving into sex, pleasure and embodiment. We'll specifically explore how to shift from performative sex to empowered, connected pleasure. How to navigate desire in long term relationships, and why so many couples. Couples struggle to really openly talk about what it is they want. Our guest today is the incredible Dr. Emily Morris, a sex therapist, author and host of the number one sexuality podcast, Sex with Emily. She's known for breaking taboos with heart, humor and clarity. And she's here to help us bring more confidence, curiosity and compassion into our sex lives. This is a fun one. Emily, I'm so happy that you're here.
- [01:54]
Dr. Emily Morris
So excited to be here.
- [01:55]
Alyson Nabriga
Oh my goodness. I. I just want to start off by acknowledging you because you talk about sex so boldly and transparently and authentically online. I think it's so important and I'm curious about why you think female pleasure is misunderstood. There's so much shame about it, especially with women watching porn or using vibrators. Can you talk to us about all of this?
- [02:16]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yes, it's such a good question. Because if you think about it, there's so much judgment around women Standing up for their own pleasure. Like a woman wants to watch porn or, you know. Yeah. Buy a vibrator, even talk. Talk about sex. We have immediate judgment. And it's because of all this, like, we'd have to undo, like, decades of cultural conditioning that tells women it's not okay to be sexual, that their sexuality is something to be shamed of, to be hidden, to be for somebody else's pleasure and to be sort of a side thought or an afterthought. And so it's really comes back to, like, religion and society and not having a lot of information. I really think that's. That's what it's all about. It's about the cultural conditioning and judgments around women being sexual. I think that's. That's really. That's really what it is. It's a lot of shame.
- [03:07]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah. And I feel like the more we talk about it, the less we have that shame.
- [03:10]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah, exactly. So that's why I keep showing up. I think the more we talk about people. Like, I was speaking this week somewhere and people said, how did you get so comfortable? I was like, I did not come out of the womb being like, did you know the clitoris has 12,000 nerve endings? You know, it's like, I didn't grow up in an environment where it's comfortable talking about sex. But I think one of the magics and why I'll keep coming back, you know, my 20th year, is because it is the kind of thing when you hang out with sex positive people or you listen to sex positive voices. Whether you listen to sex with Emily or you look at things online or read books, the more you talk about it, you realize, like, oh, yeah, it really just is wellness. Like, sex is wellness. And women can talk about all these other things that they're doing for their wellness. They're taking these supplements, these vitamins, a skincare routine, they're exercising. They're doing all these things. And we're like, following them and we're following along. Meanwhile, I'm on Instagram talking about women empowering things for women to really take charge of their own pleasure. And I get shadow bound. Right. Like, we can't talk about it still. And so again, that's happening today. Like I'm saying, we've got undo cultures of it, but it's really, you know, I still have to face it every single day of my life that I'm talking about something that is still taboo and shameful.
- [04:15]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah. And I think it makes it even more important that you do.
- [04:17]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah.
- [04:18]
Alyson Nabriga
And I love that you talk about sexual IQ and that there are five pillars. Yes, talk to about this specifically and talk to us about how we can think of sexuality and our sexual practices as part of our wellness routine.
- [04:30]
Dr. Emily Morris
Okay, so sexual intelligence or sex IQ is really something that came to me when I was, I was writing my last book, Smart sex, and it's called Smart sex, how to boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. But it was only when I was writing it that it occurred to me that, listen, you know, people talk about their writing or they're thinking they have a download. I was always sort of envious of those people. I was like, you had to download your whole book, just downloaded, and you wrote it like from the universe. Well, this actually happens to me with the five pillars because I was thinking that after all these years, when it comes to sex, because it's still shameful, taboo and shrouded mystery. And it's the kind of thing where people think about sex. They're like, give me the quick tip trick or technique and then I'll be on my way. Like I want a quick fix for whatever's wrong. I can't have an orgasm, I'm no longer turned out by my partner, something's wrong with my penis, Give me one tip and then I'm out. But the truth is that sex is wellness, pleasure is wellness. And so the five pillars of sexual IQ or sexual intelligence really came to me because it really is a multi layered approach. You have to think about your overall health and wellness and self confidence. So the pillars break down this way. The first one is embodiment and that's are we in our bodies during sex or are we disassociating, thinking about the laundry, thinking about our bodies, thinking about our kids, thinking if we're pleasing our partner enough. And so that's really. We know what it's like to be an embodied. Is his presence, Am I in my body? I'm actually feeling it, Am I connected to my partner? And so that's the first thing we gotta check. And you know, I gave a lot of tips for that, as does your entire podcast, but that's just a big part of it and your, your body of work. The second one is health, and that is our mental health and our physical health. And so we have to look at are we taking any medications that might be impacting our sexuality. People are often surprised hear that the birth control pill, antidepressants, blood thinners, all these things impact our ability to orgasm, arousal. Not to mention, I call them the pleasure thieves. But Stress, trauma and shame. These things are very heady and heady stew, especially shame. Those get in the way. Our physical health, blood flow, are we exercising? Are we moving our bodies? If we are not, that's going to impact our arousal. Our abilities, get erections, have blood flow, to have orgasms, and the foods we're eating, hormones, those are all. The second pillar of health, the third pillar is collaboration. And this is a big one. This is all about like, okay, so I want to be having better sex, but if I actually talk to my partner about it, how well am I collaborating? How well do I understand polarity, sexual polarities, right? The masculine and the feminine, how well am I just even I always say communication is a lubrication. Do I feel comfortable asking for what I want? So am I collaborating with my partner? That's the third pillar. And then we get into self knowledge. How well do I know myself as a sexual being? Do I actually know what I like, what my turn ons are and what my requirement is to be aroused? And if so, you know, am I speaking that? Am I, am I talking about that? Am I sharing that? And then the final one is self acceptance. And that's all about, you know, our confidence and accepting our bodies and our experience as it is today, in this moment, are we accepting it so we can fully be present with our pleasure?
- [07:39]
Unknown
That's beautiful.
- [07:40]
Alyson Nabriga
And it's really helpful to see and hear the pillars because then we can kind of do an assessment around where are we out of alignment? I think sexual shame is big. I think also through religious conditioning. Or is there anything specific around that that you found helpful for people?
- [07:54]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah, absolutely. I would say that of the pleasure thieves, that shame is probably the most destructive, but also the most insidious. We don't really see all the ways that shame is sort of creeping into our lives. And a lot of it is cultural conditioning. And I think for shame, first we have to think when we hear that voice in our head and shame kind of sounds like, you shouldn't be doing this. You know, my body, you know, I shouldn't be sexual anymore. I'm not sexy, I don't feel good in my body. What's my partner thinking? Am I actually pleasing them? Is my sex more performative? You know, it's all those judgments, it's the negative self talk. And then we can look at that voice and say, where's that coming from? Is that actually my thoughts? Has that been implanted in my brain by somebody else, somewhere else, at another time? And if so, can I replace that voice with a more positive sex positive message or affirmation. You know, my body is deserving of pleasure. Pleasure is my birthright. And so I think that's one way to undo the shame. Notice where it's coming from and then like replace it. And again, we don't rid ourselves of shame. We manage our shame. I don't know that you ever fully release it, because voices come into our head a lot. I mean, maybe I, I guess I always want to. I guess it's a process. Let's just say that we know this.
- [09:12]
Unknown
Yeah.
- [09:13]
Dr. Emily Morris
So I think another way is to. Is to surround yourself, like I said, with sex positive voices and people that support you and that aren't judging you and that people who, you know, find partners who also have a growth mindset around sex and who are on the sexual journey with you. Sex is an exploration. It is a journey, not a destination. And so that's another way is when you're with somebody who's supporting you and going along with you and then also just. Yeah, I think those are some, some ways to do it. Just rewiring your conditioning.
- [09:40]
Alyson Nabriga
I'm even thinking about reading books, listening to podcasts, like, because for me, being in a community of women who are fully sexually expressed and feel safe and celebrated and there's not this like women competing with each other. It was extremely healing for me. And also just having men say in a conscious community saying, if I were to say no to anything, people saying thank you for taking care of yourself. It's so counter to condition. So community really can support that.
- [10:09]
Dr. Emily Morris
It's a big part of it. Surrounding yourself with the community, the voices, the following sex positive voices, the podcast, all of that. And yes, I mean, we were so lucky that we are in a positive community where we are in the world and where we live. And we're so grateful. I am so grateful. But we still have a long way to go. So when I say, like, we probably don't. I don't have a lot of sexual shame. I've shame maybe about other things sometimes, but. But yeah, I mean, that's. It is such a beautiful community. It's like, thank you to be with, to fully be with partners who support us in our sexuality and who want us to have pleasure are so lucky for that. And I want people to know that that is accessible for you too. We don't have to live in that shame. Yeah.
- [10:44]
Alyson Nabriga
Because you can get into communities through your communities, through other communities that are being created online and also offline.
- [10:51]
Dr. Emily Morris
Absolutely. Yeah. I have a community I started last year. It's called Smart SX and it's, it's this from the sex family community and it's people all over the world that we come together. You know, once a week I bring in like coaches and other sex positive voices just to help people realize like you are in community. And it's amazing that people open up and supported each other. And right now we are working through all the pillars so people can really kind of get a handle on of manage them. And, and one more thing I want to say about sexual intelligence, which is why it's tricky. It's more of like the pillars are created so we can become our own sex experts and we can troubleshoot. You might have a week where you're really high in embodiment. Like I was feeling really embodied, but actually I've been holding this grudge against my partner and I haven't been a great collaborator. So really it's more where like I don't think you ever get to 100% on all five in every day of your life. Just like health, like you have some weeks, you work out more but you haven't been hydrated enough. So that's the thing about the pillars is just a way to look at them so you can kind of navigate yourself through whatever your sexual challenges are and your goals.
- [11:49]
Alyson Nabriga
And I love that embodiment is one of them. And having worked as a somatic psychotherapist, I don't think enough people talk about the power of sex as a somatic practice, especially in a safe context. What are your thoughts about using sex as a healing practice and can you share with us anything about the somatic work that's actually happening through sexuality?
- [12:10]
Dr. Emily Morris
Oh yeah. I mean, I think that sex can be so healing for so many people when you think about it. It's a release, it's connection, it's intimacy, it's touch. It's starting to feel safe in your body with a trusted partner or partners. And so there is so much release that can happen when you actually feel safe and you're able to advocate for yourself, ask for what you want really, like be present with your pleasure. And that's when the amazing release happens. Because so much of that's holding us back from pleasure. Like we, you actually can't fully access pleasure if you're living in an activated trauma state or if your nervous system is highly dysregulated. It really, they just, they don't, you know, they cancel each other out. It can't coexist. And so healing when you're with someone or even with yourself. I mean, I've done so much healing on my own through my own, like, solo sex practices. When I was first, like, starting out, I realized, like, I had a lot of these things that I talk about and just through my own power of touch and having sensual touch without the goal of orgasm. But the goal of exploration was so healing and, you know, things come up and, you know, memories and, you know, it's so great to work through it with a coach or a practitioner or a trauma therapist. But when we do that work, sex can be incredibly, incredibly healing and it's accessible for everybody. Even people who have had sexual trauma. You know, people who have had sexual trauma, sometimes they think like sex is just isn't accessible for them. But even, you know, sometimes they've. Even with a trusted practitioner, they've been able to make it sort of work for them. Even if they've had horrific traumas in their life, they can actually even work it into their erotic stories or, you know, there's just. It's endless. And that's the thing. When people talk about their sex lives getting boring or stale or, you know, and that happens to everybody. I'm going to tell you that. I would say that I don't like saying everybody. I would say the majority of people are going to experience that. But when you think of sex as really a healing practice and an embodiment practice, the. It's just. It's endless because every day you're starting new. Every time you sit down, it's a new practice.
- [14:15]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah. And can you speak to. Just to help normalize people crying after sex? So sometimes there's just no story, but there's just that release. And I think some people have shame about that or they're confused about it. Can you talk to us?
- [14:27]
Dr. Emily Morris
They apologize. Another way that women are like, I'm sorry, I'm crying. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's because everything lives in our body. Every emotion, every experience, every trauma, everything. And so sometimes it's really not your body saying, like, I am sad, I am happy. It's just an actual release. Because when we are having a release of an orgasm or we're having all this, like, spiking cortisol, oxytocin, testosterone, you know, there's so much happening with our hormones at any time that when we are in the state of connection with somebody, we might cry, we might moan, we might. And so it's a completely normal experience, I think. I mean, actually, like, there's been A lot of times I've cried after sex and I, I've learned to like love it. Like I'm like, oh God, I'm fully in the moment and experience of, of of connection and healing. So I think for so much of these things that we, about sex that we judge and we shame and we feel bad about that if we can just say, wow, this is part of the experience, like I celebrate it, I celebrate it all. Like sex is messy and it's loud and it can be dirty and so many things. But again we, because it's not normalized, because we don't see a lot of examples in the media or anywhere of what a healthy, normal sexual expression is, we immediately go to judgment. We immediately think something's wrong and I am broken. But if we can take our tears or our so called mess or our feelings of brokenness and celebrate that as like, wow, this is like true sexual expression, I mean then I think that that's another way to really reverse the shame and turn it into pleasure.
- [15:58]
Alyson Nabriga
And part of somatic healing is to allow the sensations come up and not create so much story about them, just to have a place that's safe to accept it fully. And so trust the body. If people are listening, like trust the body, the sound, the movements, the tears, the laughter, anything that wants to come up, let it come up and out and get out of the mind thinking about it. Because the moment we start thinking about it, we interrupt the natural flow of it wanting to just find its own homeostasis and harmony. So I'm a big fan of using sexuality and sex as a way to help. Help somatically heal. Yes. And I know that libido changes are real. You know, sometimes people just going through stressful life experiences, having kids, long term relationships, talk to us about how we can be aware and kind of reignite the chemistry and the connection with our partners. If there's like desired dips, especially with busy schedules or yeah, you know, the.
- [16:52]
Dr. Emily Morris
Day to day, I mean, let's normalize the fact that I would say that the majority of relationships are going to go through the dip. It's going to happen because you know, you know, postpartum, perimenopause, menopause, certain foods we eat, if we exercise, don't exercise. I mean so many things impact our libido. Like I said, medications, mental health, physical health. And so just first off, normalizing that, it doesn't mean that you're broken. It doesn't mean that there's like this huge problem. It just means like accepting like, this is an understanding that like your libido is going to fluctuate over time and when you're in a relationship. Also acknowledging the fact that in every relationship there's usually a high desire partner and a low desire partner. And the load is a partner actually sort of controls the sex life because they're the ones who are deciding when the sex happens, when the sex doesn't happen. And it's just a note to say that this is something just couples are going to have to have to learn to communicate about and recognize. And first thing, like, hey, I'm noticing that our, you know, our sex life is sort of changing and like, what can we, you know, what can we do together? But here's some very specific tips. The first thing is not expecting that your desire is going to be spontaneous like it was in the beginning of the relationship. So there's different kinds of desire. They're spontaneous and there is responsive. And so we, most of us are stuck in this. Like, I should be hit over my head, I should want to rip my partner's clothes off. Or they see me walk in the room and they want it all the time and I don't. So I'm therefore I'm broken. But I want to normalize responsive desire. So spontaneous. We all know I see my partner, I'm turned on, I get a certain touch, I see something again. A lot of it's us live in the state of when we are the honeymoon phase of our relationship. When we do have that spontaneous all the time, it's on. That is a state of time, a limited period of time. That's usually about six months to two years. And that's because all those feel good hormones, you know, it's like any drug, what comes up is going to come down and we might have that anymore. So then we have to know the responsive desire is more about knowing. When I talked about the self knowledge pillar, what is going to stoke your desire? It could be so many different things. It could be, I had a great date night with my partner. We had a wonderful conversation, the house is clean, I exercised today. I was able to manage my stress. I did some breath work.
- [19:05]
Alyson Nabriga
Or am I in my cycle?
- [19:06]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah, I'm on my cycle. I ate certain foods, I'm in a mood. I mean really just kind of normalizing. Like I like there are certain knowing you're knowing your body and knowing when you're going to be more in the mood and when you're not. I mean, there have been studies that show that women actually are More roused house in late afternoon. A lot of times sex isn't happening that way. And then there's a lot of pressure, especially on women to have sex. And this again, I don't even, I try not to use genders that much even when my work. Because I found that it's just, it's just like men, women, we all, whatever your gender is, we all experience all these different things. But if, if for a lot of women, there's like a pressure that I got to be turned on at night. And even my last part, I was like, babe, Monday nights, 10 o'clock, like it's never, if it's after 10 o'clock, it's probably not gonna happen. On most nights of the week, I want to get in bed at night. Like, let's find the times that it does work. So the first thing is normalizing desire and understanding that you. So we might respond to again, conversations, date night, connection, certain things with our partner. The other thing is knowing that like you can schedule sex. People think that is the least sexy thing ever. Like you don't want to look at your calendar and be like, pick up the kids, go to, you know, go to work, have sex. But when we don't schedule it, it's a way of saying like, sex is important to us, we're going to prioritize it. And this way, you know, okay, Saturday night is our sex night. And so I don't have to actually be thinking about it on Wednesday or Thursday or Friday, but when it's Saturday, then I have self knowledge that I'm going to be thinking about it. So I'm going to have that kind of like when sometimes when we, our brain gets on board for sex, our body's more likely to follow. So on these other times, maybe we're not on board, but if we know, like I have to respond to it. So I'm thinking about sex, I'm setting up the environment that's gonna be most conducive to me wanting to have sex. That that's another way that couples can stoke it. And then also we thrive with curiosity and with spontaneity and with variety change. And so what can we do that's different? What's. Is there a different position, a different location? Is there Again, this is not the only solutions, but like a new lubricant, a toy, a conversation. And for so long again, I talked earlier about the techniques that people like give me a quick technique and I'm not going to tell you like by this vibrator and Sex life's gonna change. However, when we're talking about this one part of it, it might help you be more aroused if there's something new. It could be anything. Like just. And even it could just be like a really sexy conversation about it.
- [21:26]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah. And I also think about. Cause I keep hearing you say not necessarily having the goal to have sex, but maybe even doing some kind of a ritual that. Something that would turn you on if you know about yourself, like having scent or candles, things like that. Like really creating the environment to have some type of connection.
- [21:42]
Unknown
Practice this.
- [21:43]
Dr. Emily Morris
That's part of it. Yeah, it's a huge part of it is. Is creating a space that is conducive to sex. So I love thinking about the senses. Like, I always have this vanilla candle that I light. I have a lot of soft, fuzzy things in my room. I have great lighting. I have my favorite playlist. And so anytime you think about all the senses that are like signaling sex or making you feel, you know, more turned on, it's so important. Even with a partner having a ritual. Like again, I found that for so many women, sometimes sex gets going and it moves a lot faster than they want. And so it's like I, we. You know, I always talk about foreplay and I don't even love the word foreplay because it center sex on penetration. And penetration is not the magic for the majority of women. But even that, like, it's not just like a light suggestion, it's actually a requirement. So for couples to have like a ritual to have like with, you know, partners, I think, like, let's breathe together for a minute. Let's hold hands, let's look into each other's eyes. Let's make sure the room is set up. So it's all of that, it's. It's really engaging the senses and being intentional and setting yourself up so you're actually ready rather than wanting. Like you sort of fell into the sex and you didn't. Weren't ready for it and it doesn't feel. Yeah. Intentional.
- [22:53]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah. And you could also. I know people set up scenes for healing experiences through sex. Right. So if they've had a challenging experience in the past, maybe then they become a different character in the scene and they like take their power back over.
- [23:05]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah.
- [23:05]
Alyson Nabriga
Sexual role play and things like. So you can get. There's a lot of different variety with it.
- [23:09]
Dr. Emily Morris
Absolutely. That's the thing. Like a lot of women who have been assaulte can actually like have fantasies that are working that into it. Role playing out something that might have been such a traumatic event in their life and then flipping it into, you know, more of erotic, sensual play, taking.
- [23:23]
Alyson Nabriga
Their power back from it.
- [23:24]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah, that's it. Having agency and power.
- [23:26]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah, and I love that, the self knowledge piece, because as we know ourselves then we, like you're saying, communicate to our partner and set ourselves up for success, which is really beautiful.
- [23:33]
Unknown
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- [25:55]
Alyson Nabriga
So I know a really common question is, why can't I orgasm with my partner? How do you respond to this?
- [26:01]
Dr. Emily Morris
Most common. Yeah, I would say first, you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. And again, we center sex so much on penetration. This goes back to, like, cultural conditioning and religion and all the things. We should only be having sex to make a baby. However, the majority of women are not going to have an orgasm through penetration. They're going to have an orgasm through, like, fingers, a mouth, a toy, words, energy, like so many other ways. And so first figuring out, like, what. What is actually getting you the most turned on, aroused, and connected. And so really it's about figuring that out for yourself. It could be through some solo work or having a partner that's really open to collaborating with you and finding out what is going to allow you to orgasm. But sometimes, again, when our goal is based on sensuality and connection, you might find that the orgasm happens because you're releasing this, this notion that it should come out in a certain way. But I think again, it's really about just exploring your own body, being with a partner who's open to figuring that out with you, why it's going to happen, you know how it's going to happen and, and what you require for orgasm. A lot of us just are expecting. Again, that was kind of the start of my work, was when I realized that I was tired of faking orgasms. You know, this was like 25 years ago. I was like, this doesn't seem right that my partner is always finishing. They're always having an orgasm. And I am all about equality for women in all areas. What is. Why is this the case? I don't. This doesn't seem right. And so I decided that wasn't going to happen again. I did everything I could and I really figured out my path to orgasm. And that is available to every single woman. And if you haven't had an orgasm with your partner, it's not because you can't. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. It just. Because you know now, now you get to explore and find your path to pleasure.
- [27:44]
Alyson Nabriga
When you're talking about foreplay. I know you don't like that word, but what I don't, I don't like.
- [27:48]
Dr. Emily Morris
Any of the sex words. To be honest, if I used to get your off and rebrand everything, I would.
- [27:52]
Alyson Nabriga
But okay, so for that word, just because that's the only.
- [27:56]
Dr. Emily Morris
Use it. We can use it.
- [27:57]
Alyson Nabriga
What are some of the common challenges that people have? Are there any studies also men and women differences. I know, yes. This is beyond gender, but norms. And I also want to include that.
- [28:06]
Dr. Emily Morris
Of course about absurdity specifically.
- [28:09]
Alyson Nabriga
Just curious.
- [28:10]
Dr. Emily Morris
Just. Yeah. I mean, it's actually like if you think about it, we need to be warmed up. If you're defining sex in a certain way, like genitals touching, rubbing against each other, you know that we require it. But even just in general, foreplay can be anything. It could be a kiss, a glance, you know, sending your partner a sexy text can be just touch massage. I'm such a fan of massage as foreplay. I mean, I can't tell you how many times you might think you don't want sex. And then you get like a foot massage for 15 minutes.
- [28:38]
Alyson Nabriga
This is the ritual for the nightly or the weekly ritual to then want to lead into.
- [28:42]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yes, exactly. One of the best things I ever did was buy a massage table.
- [28:46]
Alyson Nabriga
Yes, me too. Same. Yes.
- [28:48]
Dr. Emily Morris
I'm telling you, it is worth your investment. You can buy them on the second whatever. Buy a massage table Does Amazon Y. Because first off, I love that you do this. It's like, okay, because also think about it. You we talked about libido's waning. We're busy life, you're exhausted. But here you are expected to perform and receive and have orgasms, do all these things. What if one night it's just about you are receiving and then next time your partner is receiving and then you're giving. And there's just something about that active massage and touch where you can breathe together and really receive and use your favorite body oil. Use a massage candle. Like make that the practice. I mean, that to me is the ultimate foreplay.
- [29:30]
Alyson Nabriga
That's my favorite. And I highly recommend people try that as a weekly practice to then see what happens. No pressure to have sex afterwards. But if that what is what wants to happen, especially with the oils. And you can get more sensual than like a massage therapist. Depending on who you see.
- [29:45]
Dr. Emily Morris
Exactly. You can do whatever you want. Right. You can even play.
- [29:49]
Alyson Nabriga
That's right.
- [29:49]
Dr. Emily Morris
Oh my God. That was like our favorite website. But like, yeah, my part would be like, okay, well, hi, my name is Jessica. You know, he introduce himself and we have so much fun with it every time. And it's okay to laugh. It's okay. To joke, and he would stay in full character. But it was, like, always the best massage I ever had.
- [30:04]
Alyson Nabriga
Right.
- [30:05]
Dr. Emily Morris
So let's, like, normalize that.
- [30:06]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah. My husband is a prankster. And so we went to. We were in Mexico, and I was about to get a massage, and he came in pretending to be the massage therapist, and he got really intimate, and it was a woman, so I was fine with it. And he got. He was trying to play a prank on me, but he got so intimate and that he was surprised I didn't react. And he started laughing, and then I realized it was him. But anyway.
- [30:28]
Dr. Emily Morris
That is so funny.
- [30:29]
Unknown
He's a joker.
- [30:30]
Dr. Emily Morris
He's like, wait a minute.
- [30:30]
Unknown
You're really, like, pranks on you?
- [30:32]
Dr. Emily Morris
I love it. That is a great point.
- [30:34]
Alyson Nabriga
Another big question that I know people have, especially when I was a couples therapist, people would ask this all the time. So everything's great in terms of the relationship, but they're not sexually attracted to them. One of the most common questions is, like, can you build that chemistry? Or does that mean that you're not compatible?
- [30:49]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah. Wow. This is. This is it, right? This is the conundrum. I mean. Well, first, I always ask to have couples, like, usually they had it in the beginning. I hope if you've had it, that's. That's a great start. Usually a lot of other stuff has gotten in the way, and you can build her up. But, yes, you. Absolutely. It just means that you've gotten really comfortable. You're connected all these other ways, maybe emotionally and spiritually, but it just means that, again, it's time to get really curious about your connection. What could you guys explore together that you're both into? I have this, like, yes, no, maybe list on my website. It is the most. It's probably been downloaded about a million times. It's a free guide at sex with emily.com. it has about a hundred sex acts on it. And it's just. It's. I have a lot of different tools like these that just help people have the conversations or get curious. It has, like, 100 different sex acts, like, and you each take it separately. So kissing. Is it a yes, no, or maybe, you know, dirty talk? Yes, no, maybe toys, yes, no, maybe. And then you come together. And I can't tell you how many couples, like, I had no idea my partner wanted to be spanked. And I don't want to spank. It's just a great place to think. Like, where have we not explored? Like, what rock have we not turned over yet? Where are we stuck in patterns, you know, taking ourselves out of our conditioning of what we expect sex to be. And another thing is to, for these couples, is to give yourselves permission to take sex, if you define it as penetration or orgasm, off the table. And then for a week or a month, say, we're just going to start to explore again, and today's just going to be about kissing, and the next week we're going to be about exploring each other's hands or bodies or torso. And we are just going to learn to find different ways to please each other and open up different receptors and just, I mean, there's so much to explore. So I would say that again, the way it just, Couples can, can get it back if they're both willing. Now, if there's one partner, and here's. You probably have found this as a couple's therapist, and it's really. In all the work you've done, it's so challenging. And I found this a lot. Oftentimes there's one in the relationship who is pushing that sex boulder up the hill. They're like, let's have the conversations. Let's mix it up. Let's talk about it. Let's go to therapy. And there might be one partner going back to cultural conditioning and sexual shame. And they don't want to talk about it. They don't want to discuss it. And they deeply believe that if they talk about sex and they have to work on it, then their relationship is over or it's broken or sex shouldn't be talked about again. I can't tell you how many people are, like, still believe that sex should actually not. Not only should I not be talked about, like on Instagram or anywhere, but it shouldn't be talked about in a relationship. I would say, and I would love to know your take on this, I believe that 99.9% of couples have not yet had a healthy conversation about sex that has helped them truly connect and have more pleasure and have the sex that they want. Most of the conversations are around sex are, when are we having it? We haven't had it a lot. How come you never do this or that? I found that, like, what we're talking about is these really healthy conversations are not as common.
- [33:53]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah. And I think that when we go into kind of the surface level conversation about how often we're having sex and if it becomes blame and shame, then we stay in the defense versus speaking from the vulnerability underneath, like, I miss you, or I, I'm scared that you're not attracted to me anymore. So the willingness to speak that vulnerable truth is what creates more intimacy and connection. And then sex can be a reflection of that. Rather than staying at the surface level. I'm tracking how much we're having. The other person feels defensive about that, and then just really back and forth.
- [34:24]
Dr. Emily Morris
I love that you said that. That is truly where I would say the majority of sex conversations are living. They're living up here in the numbers and the. The techniques and all these other things. But when we learn to be vulnerable and say the things that we think we cannot say, that's when the whole world of sensuality and sexuality truly opens up. Yeah.
- [34:41]
Alyson Nabriga
That's greater intimacy. And then. Then sex is a reflection of it.
- [34:45]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yes. I love that sex is a reflection of the fact that you are opening up and releasing whatever shame is around it. Because when we, you know, when we speak the words, like, the shame can't live that. Right. Shame can no longer live where we are speaking our. You know, our. Our truths.
- [34:59]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah. So what I hear is that you feel like couples, specifically, they had it in the beginning. They can try new things. Go to your website, see some examples. And that could even be a date.
- [35:09]
Dr. Emily Morris
Night or 5,000 podcasts, all the things.
- [35:11]
Alyson Nabriga
But, like, that can be a way to. To understand each other and understand your relationship now versus what it was, however long ago.
- [35:19]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah.
- [35:19]
Alyson Nabriga
Try new things and really rebuild that.
- [35:21]
Dr. Emily Morris
Absolutely. And just know that your sex life can start today. Like, just listen to this podcast. Like, today could be the first day of the rest of your sex life. Let go of the past. Let go of how it was. You know, we don't want the same food sometimes. We wanted five years ago. We don't do the same exercise. We don't even have the same. Maybe sometimes the same friends or the same arrangement, same job, but for some reason, we keep having sex and thinking about sex in the same exact way. So I just want to release everybody from wherever it was in the past. But if you have a partner who's willing, be like, let's start today. Like, let's start really exploring, getting curious and. And, you know, being honest and unpacking this and rebuilding or building it for the first time, perhaps, into a way that feels good for both of us.
- [36:02]
Alyson Nabriga
And then what about for. If they're single and they're dating somebody and it's like they're everything. They check off all the boxes, but I'm not attracted to them, you know.
- [36:11]
Dr. Emily Morris
That'S harder with dating. I mean, it's not hard. It's a different kind of challenge because Again, finding somebody that you want to explore with. Like, because here you are, you're like, I have all this great connection, I'm attracted to them. Then I would ask people are. Have a sexual conversation with them and open up and say, would you be willing to explore with me? Can we explore some touch? Can we explore some massage together and see if it builds from there, there. But it can also be tricky because again, you don't. Because of the way our society is set up, that person, you might never have had a conversation like this. Like, what we're talking about now is not as commonplace. So I feel like you could just sort of be vulnerable with someone you're dating and say like, I don't know if I feel the spark, but would you be open to like exploring with me? Going to a play party, doing something different and seeing if you can kind of find that with somebody. But also we just might not have it. Somebody might just come into your life to be a really good friend. Like, I don't. There's a lot of factors that have to fall into place. But if you, but you were asking if everything's great. Yeah, they're great on paper or all that stuff, but there's not there. So I'm just not there.
- [37:18]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah, like, and if that's magic, if that's a non negotiable, that's a real deal breaker, then yeah, that's what it is.
- [37:24]
Dr. Emily Morris
And I have to say that people have to. I love that you said non negotiable because I can't tell you how many people are like, everything's great and we're married, but we don't have great sex. We're married and I've never been tracked. And we have six kids. And it's like, that's really tough when you've already like walked on the aisle and committed to somebody. But you're like, everything was great, but the sex, the sex is not a. But sex is not an afterthought. Like, that is what we're talking about. That sex is wellness, sex is important, your pleasure is important and, and you have to prioritize it from the jump. So again, if you're dating somebody and it's only been a few times you've gone out or it's been a few months and it just, you've tried. Like I, someone recently reached out, they're like, I'm dating this person and, and it's really like they've tried to have conversations with them about a few things that weren't working. They weren't receptive. They're like. But I really, like. I'm like, listen, it's been three months. This is the honeymoon phase. If the sex isn't great right now, like, cut your losses. This is still. It's like they're not open. They're showing you who they are. Right? Right now.
- [38:25]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah.
- [38:26]
Dr. Emily Morris
You know, you have enough information at this point.
- [38:28]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah. Clear. And I know you've been talking about opening up to your partner, having really honest conversations, and yet some people don't do that because they're shame or they don't want to hurt their partner's feelings, or they just don't know about their own body, their own pleasure. Are there any practical tips for couples to open up and have deeper conversations with their desires?
- [38:46]
Dr. Emily Morris
Oh, my God, I love this question because it's so true. Like, you. You nailed it. The reason why we don't have these conversations with our partners is exactly that. We're afraid we're gonna offend them. We're gonna hurt their feelings. And we're like, I know it's not great, but I actually don't know what I want. So I think I'm just gonna stay mute about it and hope it gets better. It doesn't get better. Okay. Like, let me just tell you, when you put the sex on the back burner, it's going to be staying on the back burner. And it's just. I just see so many people waiting for it. So my first thing is, is. Is actually saying to your partner, you know, I always talk about timing, tone, and turf. It's my three T's for any conversation, especially a sex conversation. This is a starting point, is if you haven't talked about sex yet, find the right time when you're not halt, hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. You know? You know, when you're hanging out, it's a good environment. The tone is curious and compassionate and chill. And the turf is outside the bedroom. I actually think we should leave our bedrooms for sleeping and for sex. And let's not make it to have, like, our really deep, heavy conversations around sex. Especially if it's like, you're already in a state of arousal and you feel rejected again. And then you're like, how come you never initiate or you don't want sex? Let's find a time when we are, yeah, just hanging out on a road trip and a, you know, hiking, walking. And then you could say, you know what? I just. And I was always helped people blame me. Like, I was in sex with Emily, and she said that Most couples don't actually have productive, healthy conversations that move the needle about our sex lives. And she also cited a statistic that couples who do talk about their sex lives often have healthier, more satisfied sex lives. So I don't want to be that statistic. I want to be the couple that is. So would you be open? Would you be willing to go on a sexual journey with me where we can have honest and open conversations about our sex life, about our desires, about our wants, about our likes, our dislikes? Like, are you even open to that? And you know, you see what your partner says. Hopefully they say yes. And then you get to start to explore. You can go into therapy together. You can just think about what you've liked in the past. A great starting point is, okay, let's talk about the three most memorable times you've had sex together. And then from there you'd be like, what was it about that time? Where were we? What was happening? It's sort of like your sexual DNA of your relationship. So, I mean, there's a lot of other techniques and modalities, but I would say first, just start having the conversation. And again, remember that it's not a one time conversation. You, you know, I found that once couples get over that hump and the awkwardness, they actually learn to love these conversations. They actually can't live without them. It becomes the fuel and the life force of their relationship.
- [41:30]
Alyson Nabriga
I love that you bring curiosity and playfulness into it. It doesn't have to be a heavy conversation. And if you get in a cul de sac where you're feeling, feeling awkward and you can't navigate it with your partner, then, you know, go to a therapist or a coach or somebody to help navigate. I mean, one of the things that I have an incredible marriage with my husband, 16 years, and I really pride it on the work that we've done, but the work that we continue to do, like we regularly do therapy not as a reactive, but as a proactive. It's one where we way that we create deeper intimacy and connection and just keep that alive. Because if we don't prioritize looking at things that got pushed under the rug, it's just gonna fester.
- [42:05]
Dr. Emily Morris
You know, I love that it's so, so important. I mean, I think that so many couples would benefit from that. And I know it might not be accessible to everybody, but think of all the other things that we're doing in our life. And if you're like sharing that, how much it moves the needle. We invest in so many Other things in our relationship. But even just saying once a month we're gonna have a therapist that we check in with. It's really hard to do the work on your own. Like, you will get into patterns that are going to get disruptive. Your libidos will suffer, you will have setbacks, you will have hard, hard things happen. And if you have a trusted coach or therapist that you can go to again, even once a month, once a quarter, it could be life saving and life giving for your relationship. Yeah. Really? I love that you shared that. We all need it. We're never done.
- [42:48]
Alyson Nabriga
I, I highly, I know. I love that we're never done. It's the thing that we get to keep exploring.
- [42:52]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah. Deeper levels of healers, therapists of therapists we all like. It's like, I don't think you ever, you arrive to a place, it's always evolving. And it's like we hire coaches and we hire experts for every other area of our life. Right. Right. You know, car breaks down or toothpicks or like everything. But for some reason with these like, relationship issues or sex issues, we just feel like we have to suffer alone. And you don't. There's so many great resources out there.
- [43:17]
Alyson Nabriga
And it can be really connected and light and beautiful and more intimate as a way of just opening, sharing your vulnerability. But I would say share the vulnerability. So I'm thinking about the singles listening. And what about for somebody that just had casual sex and then started having feelings? And they, they don't, they're not compatible emotionally, but it's great sex and they're starting to create feelings. What do you, what advice do you have for them?
- [43:40]
Dr. Emily Morris
I think part of it is I hear this mostly from women. They say to me, I can't have casual sex because when I do, I catch feelings. And I would say that's another part of our cultural conditioning. You can actually learn, train your body to be receiving pleasure fully and know that it's about your pleasure and be connected to somebody and feel safe with somebody. Somebody. And you don't have to fall in love with them. So I think that's a little bit of rewiring that we can do if we're open to it. Now, that's a little bit of work, but I think that we could learn to, with great boundaries and great communication skills, you can probably have great sex with somebody and make it more casual if they're open to it. Be more open. Say that you're dating other people or have that. Be honest about it. I think today is Like, I mean, honestly, in the last 20 years, I think that we're at such a good time right now. There's like apps for this. People are more open, they're talking about being open. But if you just want it to be casual, you know, mention that, be honest, that you just want casual. What you're saying. I think what you asked was you.
- [44:42]
Alyson Nabriga
Thought it was casual and then you started developing feelings.
- [44:44]
Dr. Emily Morris
But did you like, what are the. So again, checking the feelings and saying, am I just prescribing the feelings to this person that's making me feel a certain way? Because it might not really be about them. It's that you feel safe with this person. They're willing to collaborate with you, they're willing to their. Their who holding space for you, they're making you feel safe. And you, you know, there's something about this connection and I think that there's a lot of learning in there. Like what is it about this sexual connection that feels so good? Pay attention. You're going to put that in your self knowledge bucket. And then when you are searching for a partner again that it has all the other things that you're looking for, you could be like, this was the thing. Because a lot of times we don't even remember. We don't even dissect it or think about it. But take this as a note. Like, wow, this person does these things. And that. Yeah. Are allowing me to feel safe and fully expressive. I would say it's not about their penis, it's not about their moves, it's not about the way they smell. Like it might be part of it, but usually it's about us, how they're making us feel. And that's transferable.
- [45:44]
Alyson Nabriga
I love that. That's just taking your power back. It's like, what specifically was the ingredient? How can you have that self knowledge to either create for yourself or make sure you have it in your next partner?
- [45:54]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah.
- [45:54]
Unknown
Beautiful.
- [45:55]
Alyson Nabriga
I love that. Okay, so what are some other misconceptions about sex that we can debunk?
- [46:00]
Dr. Emily Morris
There's so many. I would say most. I think that we should always be aroused and turned on all the time. I mean we covered that. But like we should always be having orgasms. We should be having sex certain. Yeah. A certain number of times a week.
- [46:13]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah. As if there's like some prescription for everyone.
- [46:15]
Dr. Emily Morris
Once a week, three times a week.
- [46:16]
Alyson Nabriga
You feel like that men want sex more than women.
- [46:19]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah. Oh yeah. That's a huge one. That is.
- [46:20]
Alyson Nabriga
So I bought into that. One of my girlfriends was Gonna, you know, was starting a certification for sexuality and women. I'm like, that's not gonna do well, right?
- [46:28]
Dr. Emily Morris
Did so well.
- [46:29]
Alyson Nabriga
I was like, oh, checkmate. That was just my conditioning.
- [46:32]
Dr. Emily Morris
That's a really big one. I would say that was the first misconception when I started this career that I was shocked. I thought that again, goes back to saddle kitching. Men are always ready to go. They should have erection 24 7. And women are just like, frigid and don't really want it. Like, so not true. There's so many women, women who want sex all the time. They're super turned on, aroused in their bodies, and they want sex more than their. Their male partners. And I'm telling you, my heart goes out to men. Like, men have to have that we are expecting. Like, they have this pressure that they should always know what they're doing. Again, be aroused, turn on, ready to go. And that's just not the case for many men. They don't. They too might not want sex all the time. I think that the other misconceptions are that fantasies aren't normal. You shouldn't have fantasies. Or porn is bad. I think porn and. And use it a healthy way can be great. Or that maybe using sex toys means that it's somehow lesser of an orgasm or not really. You know, I don't know. People judge them. Gosh, if you have to use lube, there's a problem. Just so many narratives.
- [47:34]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah, we get to debunk all of that right here. It's done. Whatever your truth is gets to be.
- [47:40]
Dr. Emily Morris
Accept your truth. That's where you watch the shame fall away once you accept yourself.
- [47:45]
Alyson Nabriga
And for the singles who are having sex and they're wondering because a lot of the time there's a lot of narrative, I think for singles with sex of like, if I have sex too soon, is it going to ruin the connection? Are they going to judge me or am I not going to be a wife category, for example, women. Or does that mean, like, there's some rule I need to follow that I'm not hearing? I think there's a lot of narratives for singles around sex. Can you.
- [48:09]
Dr. Emily Morris
This guy insane. This has just been around forever. And you will go on TikTok and you will find so many, many tropes like this. Like, well, she slept with me on the first date. I didn't want to date her way make them beg for it or wait till the third date or wait till you're committed or relationships won't last. I mean, people will. Will Say that. They'll continue to say that. I don't believe in any rules around this. I think that, listen, if you are truly feeling connected with somebody and you're feeling safe with somebody, and you're not too drunk, you weren't coerced. I mean, that's the thing. Like, a lot of times we get really drunk or liquid courage and we had sex and we regret it. I'm talking about fully embodied sex where you wanted to have it, you met somebody, it felt great, and you actually had a good time and you're glad that you did it. It doesn't really matter what happens after that. If you full on were there for the sex because you wanted it, you might be with a partner who had a judgment that, well, I would have made you my wife, but you had sex with me, so now it didn't work. I would say you dodge a bullet. That's not your person. They are legitimately judging you on this one thing that you did because you both wanted to in the moment. Like, to me, these are just like, seriously not your people. I just think that. And you'll hear from just as many cop, like, we had sex on the first day. We've been together 30 years. So I just don't believe in, in the rules and the conditions around this. I will say that sex is such, like, so many things. It's intimacy, it's connections, it's kissing, it's touching. If you know that you're somebody that, that once you do have sex, you get really attached or you connect all these emotions to it, then maybe you could wait to have sex. Like, maybe wait to have penetrative sex. Maybe you just slow it down and say, God, can we go back to the just the making out that felt really, really good. Or we're allowed to stop sex. We're allowed to say, you know what, this is moving too fast. It's not what I want right now. And like, change the moment. I have to say that I used to think I couldn't stop sex. That there was, like, once I got going with sex, I had to continue because it would, like, hurt my partner's feelings. They would get blue balls. Like, I was afraid they called 91 1. Like, that was a thing. It's not a thing. I mean, yes, they might be uncomfortable for a minute, but, like, no one's gonna die because you. So I just think again, knowing yourself, knowing that, like, it actually is really hot to wait too. Like, it's really hard to be like, let me see if I actually like this person and I, I trust them and I feel safe with them. Hard to feel super safe on a first date.
- [50:30]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah. Yeah.
- [50:31]
Dr. Emily Morris
Like, truly, like, true safety comes from, you know, consistency in knowing someone. So again, like, okay to wait, but also no judgment around if you decide to. A full body. Yes.
- [50:41]
Alyson Nabriga
I love the permission in that and just helping take your power back. I also think there can be something really kinky and beautiful and, like, edging of just working it up and so slow it down and enjoy that process if that's your truth. Because I know some women are feel like, oh, if I, I, if I have a drink, I'm more open having sex and then I have the oxytocin, the connection, and that's more false, it's more chemical. And so that if that's their truth, then just slow it down and say, explore what it's like without all that. But I love the permission to just have your experience and just make it.
- [51:10]
Dr. Emily Morris
Absolutely. But it's so true that drinking opens us up. Like, so, yeah, just permission to have your own experience and then, like, know yourself and be like, well, maybe I'm the state that I'm not going to drink, or I will drink and I'll be okay with what I decided. Like, there's no. Again, this goes back to the shaming around, you know, sexuality, which is like, really. What if you just had a really good night? Yeah, it was a good time and then you went home.
- [51:32]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah.
- [51:32]
Dr. Emily Morris
Great.
- [51:33]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah.
- [51:33]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah. And that was it.
- [51:34]
Alyson Nabriga
And it comes back to me for, like, Ollie, the inner tools also. So, like, if, you know, there's some healing or attachment and you can do the work to really unravel that. So you really choose people that are in alignment with your values, the way that you want to be treated and seen, and you're showing up for yourself that way. So anybody else is not a matter much. Will easily fall away without judgment. It's a lot easier that way.
- [51:54]
Dr. Emily Morris
So much easier once you're clear about your boundaries and your values and like, yeah, let those people fall away. Who has all these judgments around sex? Who has all these, like, rules and strict, like, you know, it's fear. Yeah, fear. Yeah, it's all fear. It's such.
- [52:09]
Alyson Nabriga
I appreciate you've been so open about your story of unraveling performative sex for people that have really focused on performative sex because that's what they've seen in porn and maybe nobody talked to them about sexual sex. Can you share a little bit about your story? And then also how do you support them? In feeling into what's their own pleasure rather than focusing on what they should sound like or have their experience.
- [52:31]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah. So for me, I realized that my sex was all. Perform it pretty, not all. I mean, I love the making out and the kissing, but once it came to like penetration and usually the penetration came too fast and I was doing all the things and once I started realizing like, oh, I, I actually am deserving of pleasure, I can have pleasure. My experience was just learning my own body. I mean, honestly, I spent so much time with like really like ramping up my masturbation practice and without shame and learning to touch my body, make the sounds, figure out what felt good to me. And for anyone who wants to kind of overcome their, their performance is, I would say you got to spend time alone and you have to like, like practice some, like, you know, cultivating your eroticism and your sensuality and really making that pleasure date with yourself of exploring all the nerve endings on your body and what really feels good to you and like your inner elbow, the nape of your neck. Like, what are all the different ways you can experience pleasure? Practice making sounds, look at yourself in the mirror. Really do these kind of exercises. Like, like make this your practice. Take the baths, do the things. Things, put time into it. That is how we're gonna like, grow our erotic energy and learn to accept ourselves and learn to really like, that's because then we gain more confidence. We're like, oh, I can have pleasure. I just didn't know how to show a partner that I didn't know how to ask for it. And so once you do this work, you will no longer be able to fall into those performative spaces because you've actually taken the time to learn yourself. So. But it's a practice and it's probably the most important work we can do. And for many people I hear about masturbation, you know, we can't even say the word a lot of times or, you know, I'll, you'll get, you know, whatever. It's part of the shadow bed and part of whatever and it's dirty and. But it really is part of like taking your power back again too, is like you, you might not have discovered all those places in your body where you can have pleasure and it's okay to masturbate if you're in a relationship. A lot of people say, oh, I don't need to, I have a partner now. And it's like, no, like, it really is a part of self care. People are going to masturbate in a Relationship out of a relationship and even share it with your partner. I love big mutual masturbation is such a beautiful, sexy act where you're both actually, you know, pleasing yourselves while the other partner is watching. So they're actually getting turned on because you're truly in your pleasure. But then they're also learning what you, how you touch yourself. So a great way is like, I've learned these things, like, do you want to see what I do? Or let me show you how it please my, myself. You know, I often get questions about what do you do? If your partner's threatened by a vibrator, they don't want to use it. You know, they feel that it's replacing them. Like, just bring it into the bedroom and show them. Like, I've got this really cool toy. Let me show it on you first. So like, I'll take the vibrator and I'll like rub it on their, their body and I'll be like, doesn't that feel good? Like, and like, they love it. They love the lube, they love the vibe. They don't know it. Like, I think that there's a lot of guys that are thinking to themselves, like, you've got this like 16 foot vibrator that's gonna replace me and it's gonna, you know, it's like, usually they're like little like pebble shaped toys that like really just stimulate our clitoris. They can be shaped like a phallic object. But once you like show them and you experience it together, it becomes part of your play and you can show them how you please yourself. So I think that those are some ways to get over that performative part of it.
- [55:55]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah. And really I keep hearing like, find your own pleasure, have self knowledge. It was interesting. My first year of college, I had a sexuality class and they had us take a mirror and look at ourselves in the mirror and our vulva and just write a description and a letter about it. And it was just such a confronting class. And I hear you keep talking about sexual wellness and sexual routine. So these are some practices to know our bodies.
- [56:20]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yes.
- [56:20]
Alyson Nabriga
To discover what our pleasure is, to keep tuning in. Are there any other really powerful practices? Just.
- [56:25]
Dr. Emily Morris
That is a problem. First of that, the mirror exercise is the most powerful one. I too had to do that in school, in grad school. We had to look at it and we had to write. We had to be. To draw it. We had like all these crafts. You had to like write. Yeah, write a letter to it. All of that is like, so, so Important. I think that's a great practice. I think practicing like your sound like humming, moaning, making noises, learning to fully express your, your sexuality. Maybe reading erotic like if you just feel some people are just so shut down from things so like finding your sources of spark, like what actually is turning you on. Can you think about moments, erotic moments like I love like ethical porn which is porn that's made like usually by women for women. You're seeing like real bodies like performers are paid well. They're, you know there's more plots like just finding stuff that is really like stoking your sensuality and eroticism is, is another really like helpful way to find what really what your turn ons really are. And again it's never too late to start. I mean I would say that I hear from women all ages, 60s, 70s, 40s, 20s, never had an orgasm, never expressed herself. So again it's because of the way our society's been set up. So just you know, get curious and, and, and start exploring and, and looking for sensual inspiration.
- [57:42]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah, just follow the threads.
- [57:44]
Dr. Emily Morris
Yeah.
- [57:44]
Alyson Nabriga
So just in closing, if there were something that you wished women knew about their sexual power, what would it be?
- [57:51]
Dr. Emily Morris
I wish that women knew that their sexual power was in their hands. That they were responsible for their own power and their own pleasure. And it's not based on anyone else. And I would all say that it's infinite and it's expansive and it's ever changing. It's waiting for you.
- [58:15]
Alyson Nabriga
So good. Thank you for who you are, how you be in the world. Emily, I know my audience is going to want to stay connected. Please share with us how how they do that.
- [58:25]
Dr. Emily Morris
You can find me everywhere at Sex with Emily. So it's my website is sexually.com all social media sex with Emily join my membership smart sx. It's an app where we can connect once a month. I view live workshops and yeah I have a store if you want to go shopping. I've like curated it to be like my favorite sex accessories. All of it is Sex with Emily.
- [58:46]
Alyson Nabriga
Amazing. I put all the links here.
- [58:48]
Dr. Emily Morris
Podcast too. That's wherever you listen. Your podcast.
- [58:50]
Alyson Nabriga
Yeah. Beautiful. Thank you for coming on. I'm so glad having my new friend.
- [58:55]
Dr. Emily Morris
Oh my God, I love it.
- [58:56]
Unknown
Thank you so much for doing this work that changes the world. Starting with yourself. It truly does make a difference. And if you're finding value in this podcast, a cost free way to support us is by following us. It does help us grow and we are so grateful. As a thank you gift we will be sending you one of the most powerful tools that you can use on any area of your life to help you tap tap into your full potential so that you don't let fear hold you back from really stepping into your dreams.
- [59:20]
Alyson Nabriga
All you have to do is leave.
- [59:21]
Unknown
A review on Apple or Spotify, submit a screenshot of that, and upload it to AlysonNabriga.com podcast. Once you do that, we will send you this incredible gift. I have so much more magic I want to share with you, and I cannot wait to do that soon. But for now, I just want to say thank you so much for being an example of what it's like to live with an open heart and mind in the world.