← Healing + Human Potential
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- [00:00]
A
How does manifestation actually work and how are most people misunderstanding it?
- [00:04]
B
Your innermost dominant thought becomes your outermost tangible reality. So you automatically spontaneously think without having to be externally motivated, whatever it is that's highest on your value. Whenever you're doing something that is aligned and congruent with that highest value, the medial prefrontal cortex comes online and so you see a vision. I always say those with a mission have a vision and a message. Purpose+Thought+Vision is the first three steps of the manifestation formula. When you're doing something high in your values, your energy and mitochondria fire and burst tremendous amounts of energy. When you're alive doing what you love. And so your energy is infinite. Once you recognize that source, that's just neuroscience. So wasting time on anything that's a fantasy and not really highest in priority is going to lower your self worth and you're not going to see the synchronicities that are abounding around you.
- [00:55]
A
Welcome back to the Healing and Human Potential podcast. Today we're going to talk about manifestation, quantum physics and the science behind personal growth. We'll unpack the common misunderstandings around the law of Attraction, why chasing love oftentimes backfires, and how aligning with your core values supports you in more effortlessly stepping into your goals. We'll also explore how comparison, procrastination and anxiety hold you back, giving you practical tools that you can immediately use to have more clarity and confidence. Joining us is Dr. John Demartini who is a world renowned human behavior expert and bestselling authority with nearly five decades of experience. He's going to share with us how we can transcend not only our self doubt but also our perspective so that we live with more purpose and authenticity. Let's dive in. So I love that you are here. I wanted to get started because I know you were part of this secret and that movie just brought the law of attraction to millions of people. And I'm curious about your point of view around what actually are things that people misunderstand when talking about manifestation so that we can debunk some of it. So how does manifestation actually work and how are most people misunderstanding understanding it?
- [02:00]
B
I'm a kind of a grounded guy. I like to keep things, you know, not too far out. Although I've been studying, you know, metaphysics and philosophy for many decades. I like to crown things, but I had a gentleman present to me when I was 17, I'm 71 now, so I'm got an inverted number now. But When I was 17, I had a gentleman introduce to me what I call the manifestation formula. And he said that the first thing in the formula was getting really clear and concise on what you feel. Your mission or purpose is that you want to dedicate your energies and life to what your life demonstrates intrinsically. When you're inspired and authentic, what is it you absolutely love to do and to bring to the world. Now, that could be a talent, it could be a skill, it could be a business, it could be raising children. Each individual has a unique set of values. So whatever that is, that's the first step in the formula being clear about what it is that you're most intrinsically called to contribute. In my case, it's teaching. And then right underneath that is researching and writing. So I have something to do it. And the other is travel. Cause I travel every day. The second thing is your innermost dominant thought becomes your outermost tangible reality. So you automatically, spontaneously think without having to be externally motivated, whatever it is that's highest on your value, whatever is really most important to you. So I've been teaching for 53 years. Nobody ever had to remind me or motivate me externally to go and teach. I love presenting and sharing ideas. So the second step in the formula, besides being clear on what it is that you want to dedicate your energies to and what your life really is demonstrating, if you have to be motivated to remind you to do it, it's not it. It's an intrinsic calling. And then you will automatically think about it. You can't not think about it. It feels like it's impossible for you not to think about it because you feel it's your destiny. That those two right there, getting clear on those two, a very significant manifesting something. Because you're going to excel in whatever is valuable most. Because it's something that spontaneously emerges in your brain. And whenever you're doing something that is aligned and congruent with that highest value, the medial prefrontal cortex comes online. And it's connected to the visual associative area in the V5, V6 area in the occipital cortex. And so you see a vision. I always say, those with a mission have a vision and a message. I'm a man on a mission, so I have a vision and a message. And that vision becomes crystal clear to the degree that you're congruent with what you value most. So purpose plus thought plus vision is the first three steps of the manifestation formula. These are practical things. It's not really esoteric. It's very Practical, neurological, physiological levels of excellence that emerges spontaneously when you're congruent. I worked with a pole pola vaulter who was a three time gold medalist in pole vaulting and their focus was pole vaulting. They were masters of it, they just lived it, they dreamed it, they visualized it, they were just totally into it. The next one is so purpose plus thought plus vision. The next one is to be able to articulate it fluently and congruently. So if you were to be able to say what you're committed to, people can see it in their mind's eye when you say it. So you can articulate so fluently that it pours out with inspiration out of you when you speak. And people can feel that inspiration because there's now what I call the transcendental feelings of gratitude and love and inspiration and enthusiasm and certainty and presence when you speak. And you, you create a ripple effect in other people by the presence you have when you're speaking about what it is you're committed to. I had a meeting with a gentleman who was at three years old. He knew he wanted to be a great pianist and a concert pianist. By the time he was nine, he was traveling around the world doing concert performances as a virtuoso. And he's now 83 and he's been every major country in the world. He's performed, he practices 13 hours a day. He absolutely loves doing it. I met with another 91 year old who's a famous painter. His paintings are all over the world. He'd been painting since 3. He has been clear on his mission since 3. Most people don't develop that until older. Mine was 17, but he was 3. So purpose plus thought plus vision plus internal dialogue and internal affirmation. So you're clear and concise and articulate about what it is you're committed to. When you, if, if somebody has to ask you, what do you. What is your mission if you have to go, ah, let me think about it. It's not clear. When it's clear, it's clear, you know what you're committed to. Your life is demonstrating it. There's a congruency there. The next one, besides internal dialogue, or affirmation, if you want to call it of affirmation means a condition of firmness in one's mind. It's not positive statements, that's how New age people put it, but it's basically, it's a condition of firmness in one's mind. It goes back all the way to Egypt, into the words of power that the sacred initiations were initiated through. So being really clear about that and articulating that, the next one is when you're clear about it, you will have the transcendental feelings. You'll feel grateful, you'll love what you're doing, you'll be inspired. Peter lynch in his book, went up on Wall street, and in an interview I saw, he said there were four, six things that he noticed in people that were engaged in a very successful business. They're grateful for their job, they were loving what they were doing, they were inspired by the vision, they were enthusiastically working, they were certain about their skills, and they were present when they did it. Those are those magical feelings that allow somebody to excel in excellence. And that's a sign that you're congruent. Then the other thing is that when they have those feelings, we've all been inspired by a feeling somewhere in our life. A moment of tears, of aha and eureka. Moments where we had to write things down. And you want to write things out and lay them out and write them down. And where you're going to do it, when you're going to do it and see your thing and put it into, like a short pencil is better than a long memory. You're articulating it out or typing it out. And master plan. That's what I'm in a program right now doing. And I'm training executives on master planning right now to get really clear and concise. Even if it takes you an hour to write one paragraph of exactly how you want it and getting concise on it, writing things down in space and time translates intangible ideas into tangible reality. And the second you're clear about your plan and you can see the strategic objectives and. And how you're going to do it, you spontaneously want to act. If you have to be motivated in any way from an external source, you're not tapped into what's really the calling intrinsically. So I don't need to be motivated to go and teach every day. I'm doing it 53 years, every single day. I mean, literally 350 speeches a year, at least, sometimes 400 something. So you will automatically act spontaneously. There's spontaneous action potentials in the medial prefrontal cortex. When you're congruent that are there, they fire off. It's measurable. The functional MRIs show it. And when you act, your energy goes up. When you're doing something high in your values, your energy and mitochondria fire your little endosymbiotes, the Mitochondria literally fire off and burst tremendous amounts of energy. When you're congruent and alive doing what you love. And so your energy is infinite. Once you recognize that source, it's just congruency. And you realize the way the pulvinar nuclei and the thalamus is, it filters sensory information. And when you're living congruently with according to what you value, you have the most awareness consciously of your environment for the resources that are synchronously available to you. Most people that are going off and trying to do something that's not really priority, they can't see the synchronicities in their life. But people are congruent. Their life is filled with synchronicities. They're at the right place at the right time to meet the right people, to do the right deal, to make things happen. And you're also automatically your self worth goes up because you feel you're congruent and authentic doing what you really love to do. And your self worth is maximal. And you have the most gratitude because you're manifesting things. So those are the thirteen steps of manifestation. And it starts with an intangible idea and it becomes some sort of tangible reality. And your life reflects congruently what's really most important to you. So knowing what that is is the starting point. It's not wise to waste your time on anything that's not really priority. And if you don't fill your day with high priority actions that inspire you, it's going to fill up with low priority distractions that don't to kick your butt to get you back onto what is priority and what is authentic, what is inspiring, so you can be a master manifester on the planet.
- [11:43]
A
What would you say to somebody that's feeling stuck, not really clear where to begin identifying what their values are?
- [11:49]
C
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- [12:38]
A
More ease and alignment so that you.
- [12:40]
C
Can really step into all the things you're called to do. You'll learn the real reason people stay stuck and how to create lasting change at the root so that growth becomes natural instead of forced and you're not needing to push yourself harder or burn out. I'll also teach you how to use manifestation work so that it builds self trust and really embody a deeper confidence. And then lastly, I'll give you practical strategies for where to create clients today for free along with other heart centered sales so that you learn how to do it in a way that feels good and converts. Since research shows that you grow so much faster in community. Send this to a friend that you want to do this with to help hold each other accountable. Again, it's free and it's not too late to join us, but all you have to do is go to alistairbriga.com Boot Camp to reserve your space while it's still available.
- [13:24]
B
When I was 23 years old, I asked a question. Why is it that some people walk or talk and some people limp their life? Why do some people do what they say and others don't? Why are people excelling and others just getting by? And I realized in my research on that it boiled down to human values. And I read everything that was available on human values at the time on axiology, and just devoured that market and realized that most of the value determinants out there are wishy washy, they're subjective and they're about how you ought to be instead of how you are. David Hume, the Scottish philosopher, emphasized is versus ought. And I'm not interested in how they ought to be. I'm not interested in subordinating to traditions, conventions, mores, you know, outer authorities. I'm interested in what's intrinsically driving you, what's the inner voice and vision calling you to do and what it is. And so I worked on developing a step by step questionnaire for determining intrinsically what the values are. But what it does is it asks 13 questions and the first one is how do you fill your space? Because in proxemics the most intimate space is got the highest reflection of what's most valuable to you, things that are really valuable to you, keep in your space. Things that aren't invaluable, you toss. You want it out of your space. So you look at how you fill your space. In my case, I'm in front of a computer. I'm involved in working on research and typing and doing podcasts or webinars every single day. So my computer is what fills my space. So what is it you. What are the top three items that fill your most intimate space within 18 inches of yourself, and what's the most dominant use of it that that gives you an indication of what you value most? If your children are there, well, then your children are valuable. If your books are there, then researching books and reading is valuable. If sport equipment is there, you know what? If your bicycle's there, you like riding. Look at what your life demonstrates in your space. The second one is your time. You make time, find time, and spend time on things that are really valuable to you, but you don't want to take time and can't find time for things that aren't. So you look at what your life demonstrates you spending your time on, and people will say, well, I have to do that. I have to go to work. Well, if you're going to work and you're spending 10 hours a day at work, there must be something there that's valuable. It may not be the actual work, but it may be the financial security that you're probably. You're prioritizing. But I look at how you fill your space. I look at how you spend your time. Then I look at how you. What energizes you the most? What fires up the mitochondria the most? Where do you have the greatest amount of energy spontaneously? You don't need to take anything. You don't need coffee or tea or any stimulant to get you there. You're energized by it. I look at what are the top three answers for each of these. Then I look at where you spend your money most, because you spend money, you make money, find money, spend money on things that are valuable to you. Where's your money going? Your hierarchy of values is dictating your financial destiny. It tells you it. So all four of those will show a reiteration and a pattern if you're honest. And then the next one is where you're most ordered and organized. And the next one is where you're most disciplined, reliable, and focused. The next one is what do you think about? What do you visualize, and what do you affirm to yourself about how you would love your life to be that shows evidence of coming true. Not things that you fantasize, but only things that have evidence that are coming true, that are manifesting. Then what do you converse with other people about most? What do you keep bringing conversations to? What do you love conversing about? Then what is it that brings tears of inspiration to you when you have a moment of aha and eureka moment, what's going on in the. What is the content of the mind at that moment? It's a. It's a sign of authenticity and congruency. Then you look at what it is that you have as goals that are most consistent, persistent, you're achieving and have evidence of coming true. And what do you study and to learn about most? What do you go online to look up and research most? What do you go to the bookstore, read about most? If you answer these 13 questions, you will find a pattern. I've been doing it, gosh, 47 years now. I've done millions of people. It's a very powerful tool companies, organizations, governments are using in all over the world. It's helping an individual get clear about what their life reveals and demonstrates. Not what it ought to be. Not shoulds, ought to, supposed to's, not got to's, have to's, and must not need to's. But what it is that you absolutely love doing that you are consistently demonstrating in your life that will give you an indication of what your value is. Then you can start structuring prioritized actions to fulfill it.
- [18:18]
A
The awareness is so important, and it sounds like this is a beautiful assessment to help reveal what's already naturally innate within you so that you can align your life with it.
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B
Exactly.
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A
Yeah.
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B
Nobody has to motivate you to do your podcast. Nobody has to motivate you to study personal development and consciousness. I mean, it's your life, it's your love. So you want to find that because otherwise your vocation and vacation are not the same.
- [18:43]
A
And giving ourselves permission to know that we're uniquely designed in ways that once we understand what that is, to fully allow ourselves to put our life and design it around that, I think is one of the biggest unlocks we can have right now.
- [18:55]
B
Doing executive training on people, on master planning their life. And that's exactly it. We've gone over the distinctions between a fantasy and a real objective. So you're on the spectrum of goals. You know what the distinction is? Because if you set goals from a Persona of imposter and you exaggerate yourself, you'll get humbled. And so it's about setting goals that are real goals, that you have evidence that you're committed to that you have strategies and you're clear about it. You mitigate the risks and you take actions on it. And some people don't want to do that. I just want to just meditate and just visualize an outcome. Well, that's great. That's a step. But without the action and without some real grounded strategies, you're not going to excel. That's all you're going to do. You're going to manifest, but not going to be what you can do.
- [19:41]
A
What would you say is one of the biggest misconceptions around Manifestation? Would that be one of them not taking action?
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B
Yeah, the Secret. You know when they filmed the secret 20 years ago, originally the version of the Secret was only six people in it. Jack Canfield, myself, my proctor, there's only six people in this. And the very thing, it was about to come out on Channel nine in Australia during the time in February, in fact, right around Valentine's Day. But then the Commonwealth Games bought the time and blocked it out and we had to go to a different format. So Rhonda decided we're going to go to, what do you call it? Vivitas DVD structure and go out globally. Well, when she did, the two hour special got changed and they had to water it down and make it a little bit more mass oriented and they redid it. And the Virgin, well, there's actually three or four versions. The version that went out into the market was completely different than the first one. And because the first one had me speed reading an ancient text and talking about looking for the Secret, it completely changed it. But what they did was historical. It went around the world to millions and millions of people because of it. But it's basically the thing that they edited out was the action steps. It was more like you just kind of visualize it, imagine it and those are great. I'm a firm believer in very clear visualization. 28 metals or 22 metals or whatever for Phelps was done by visualizing. But that by itself is only a piece. He also went out there and got in that water hours and hours and hours and repetitively practice. So it's the whole formula. I think the whole formula is wise to apply. Not just take one piece of it, although one piece is a step.
- [21:35]
A
I agree and I love that you have more of a science back perspective. And I'd love for you to talk about quantum physics and the connection with manifestation. If you're open.
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B
The bottom line in the quantum world is the quantum fluctuations. At the most subtle level of Plancks dimensional space and time. At the very subtlest level, right here as I move our hands, we're moving it in space and time. And at the subtlest level, at 1 times 10 to the negative 33rd centimeters, there's quantum fluctuations and there's energy and we're participating in it. Some believe that our thoughts impact these fields. I can't prove or disprove some of that, but I don't think anybody would even question that. They think about somebody and then they call them and then. And, or they, they run into them or things it's too frequent to ignore, but it's not frequent enough to bet money on, but it's in that gray area. So I think most people would have a belief that somehow we're participating in a field. I've been studying this for 53 years and I've seen all kinds of different writings on it and ways of looking at it. Some scientific, some unscientific. I prefer to be more grounded. But at the same time, who's to say that we won't discover something new? That some of the more esoteric ideas may not turn out to be true. But I like to keep it at the edge of what's known and explore what's unknown. I like to study the physics and the metaphysics.
- [22:58]
A
Is there anything that you think would be valuable for people to know in terms of what you've discovered in some of your research?
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B
Without a doubt. If we're congruent with what we value most, we're going to increase the opportunities. That's just neuroscience. Our pulvinar nuclei and our interlaminar nuclei in the thalamus, which is the relay station from all sensory input before it goes to conscious awareness in the cortex, it goes through that little area. And that area is the gate and filter for all sensory experience. And it only opens up the gate for things that are really most important to you. So wasting time on anything that's a fantasy and not really truly an objective that's really highest in priority is going to lower your. Your self worth. It's going to lower your. You're going to depreciate yourself and you're not going to see the synchronicities that are abounding around you. There's daily synchronicities, but you won't recognize them if you're not congruent. That's why congruency is a very important component of manifesting things.
- [23:55]
A
Yeah. And also just being in the energy of it because then even if the thing doesn't happen, you're still in a vibration of thinking. It's almost like you're feeling what you think it would give you then, now. And you can't lose in that way because you're already awake to what you thought the goal was going to give you. You're enjoying it more and then you're going to be able to see opportunities that are right in front of you.
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B
I think that many people though are a bit wishy washy on their fantasies. I have people, when the secret came out, they, I had a woman come up to me and this happened probably a hundred times. Woman came up to me and says, you know, I've watched the movie 20 times and I've read the book six times and I go out to my mailbox every day and I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but I still haven't got a million dollar check. And I tell her, I said, you know, the probability of having a million dollar check in your mailbox is about one in a billion. The probability of you going out there and caring enough about humanity to find out some need and some void that is out there and dedicating your life to filling that need and serving people increases those odds of getting a mailbox check.
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A
Yeah, living in alignment. What's the, what's. How can I provide more than a million dollars of value to then be able to receive?
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B
I started doing actions that serve people. I was rewarded financially. I, my life is very rewarded because of, I've put, you know, I got a little butt because I worked my butt off doing service and it feels.
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A
Good to be of service.
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B
When you ask people around the world what's the most fulfilling moments in life, most of them will say the moments I did something that was meaningful, that I love doing, that served people and people said thank you. That's it.
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A
Yeah, being generous. And we, that's what we ultimately want anyway, to feel good again. It feels good. But I want to talk about love because I know a lot of people try to manifest a soulmate and they can get really caught up on some of the chasing love and that kind of backfiring. Talk to us about the science behind why chasing love will often backfire and what actually works in your experience.
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B
I was flying from Houston, Texas to Las Vegas and usually I get on first or I get on last on the plane and from the club lounge or something and I get on the plane and I was in the third seat. And then it was in the business section or first class I guess on whatever the flight, it goes to Las Vegas, American or whatever from Houston. And there was this beautiful 27 year old blue eyed blonde girl. Now I don't care who you are, but when there's somebody very attractive sitting next to you, it just makes the flight more enjoyable. If Hugh Jackman or George Clooney was sitting next to you, probably make the flight a little nicer. So anyway, I said hi, my name is John, what's your name? And she said my name is Tina. I said great. What do you do, Tina? What do you do for a living? She says well, I cut hair and I do cosmetology at the MGM Grand Hotel in Las Vegas. I said great. She asked me what I did. I said, well, I write books and I travel and I speak. And I said what are you working on? What do you, what's, what's your life goal right now? What's the dominant thing that you're focused on wanting to accomplish in your life? She says well, I'm looking for my soulmate. I said great. I said, how would you like to find out about meet your soulmate today? And she kind of looked at me like I was being presumptuous, but I wasn't. I was just asking her would she like to go through a series of questions that would help her do that? And she said, well, what does that mean? And I said, well, I'm going to ask you a series of questions. So I asked her, what exactly are you looking for in this soulmate? And she started listing this. And we had 22 things listed, the classical things, intelligence, good looking and fitness, you know, well resourced, a little bit of cash, highly ambitious, you know, the basic things that most people are looking for in a relationship. And I said great. After we listed the 22, I went to the top one and I said okay, this one right now, really good looking and fit great. Who in your life is demonstrating that right now? Because nothing's missing. It's in a form that you are manifesting unconsciously or consciously who's man, who is that in your life right now? One or many male or female who's providing that that you're looking for? And she goes well, yeah, there's a really good looking guy that, that I, that actually runs MGM Grand Hotel and he comes in for a haircutting and I see him on a regular basis. And I said okay, and who else? And I made a list and there were five men in her life that were incredibly good looking, that she loved staring at and flirting with a little bit and talking to, etc. I said, can you see? Do you have that in your life? But it's diversified in five people. She goes yeah, I never thought about that. And who is it that's highly intelligent in your life? And she says, well, that's the owner of the mgm. He also comes in here, gets his haircut and there's also another guy that comes in and they're just brilliant. I just love talking to him. And I said, can you see that what you're looking for and the quantity of what you're looking for is accounted for? She goes yeah. And I went through all 22 different items and showed that everything she was looking for was already in her life, it wasn't missing. And she stopped and she goes, well, but would I have it in in one person? I said probably not, but particularly if you've been wounded by relationships in the past with any of those behaviors. And she says well, what do you mean? I said, by the way, every one of those traits you're looking for also come with their opposite traits. The very things you admire also become the things you dislike over time. There's peccadilloes that you don't like. They may be intelligent, but then they'll argue with you or they think they're right and they're self righteous. They may be good looking, but other people are looking at them and you're always anxious about the jealousies. So there's always two sides. So I made her look and who's also providing the opposite, the negatives of that. And she realized that everything she was looking for and trying to avoid were in her life. Nothing was missing. I said, at the level of the soul, nothing's missing. At the level of the senses, things only appear to be missing. So I said, can you see that everything you're looking for is in your life? Because if you can do that, you're not desperate, you're now fulfilled and you realize your values are creating it in that form for a reason. And she goes, well, how do I get it over to one guy? I said, I want to know every relationship you've had that's been of any duration, that's been at least months, if not years. I want you to list them. And there were five. I said, now I want to know what it is that made that break up. What is it to trait you left them for or you disliked about that individual that turned out to be the pain of that relationship. And then what I did is I did what I call the demartini method. I went in there and reframed it. So I took every one of the pain. Like the guy she had that was very, very wealthy, she liked wealth, was expecting her not to do anything and just be on call and beck and call whenever he wanted it. And she let her business go down. She was almost giving up her business because she was there and he was paying for everything. And then she realized I almost lost my identity in business and then he dumped me for another woman. I said, so you now have associated wealth with that guy dumping you for another woman and telling you what to do and your business going down. So you aren't going to want to do that again because you're not going to take that risk again because you have more drawbacks and benefits associated with a man with wealth. She goes, wow, I didn't think about it, but it's true. And we went through all the men and all the things that she associated pain with and we went and neutralized them and cleared them with a series of questions, neutralized it so she could now no longer have to diversify it into all these different people to get what she was looking for. Once she realized that and we cleared that, she had a few tears, which she had to redo her makeup when she landed. But what was interesting is her fear now of being with one person was making her dissociate from one and diversified into many to get all the things she wanted in that form. Because whenever it's in many, it's because I've been wounded by the one. And so if we have more pain with the one, we make it into the many. If we have more pain with the many, we move it back into the one. So in this case, we cleared it. This is a three hour flight about we landed, I had a car service, a limo picking me up. I said, look, I'm going to the Bellagio. It's across the street from Jam Grand. I can drop you off if you want. So she goes with me. Drop her off. She gave me her email. About three weeks later she called. She says, you're not going to believe what happened. I said, what is it? I am going to believe it. You ran into a guy, didn't you? She goes, yeah, I got this guy, he's from Israel, he's really good looking, he's very wealthy, he's very articulate, he's very intelligent, he has a big business and he loves my. The idea that I do what I do. He's encourages me to. To. How do you want. Do you want to grow that business? Maybe I can help you grow the business. For three years, I was getting communications from her every three or four months on what they were doing pictures and things like that. She was thanking me for that. She says it was. She almost felt like that guy showed up because she cleared the stress and she wasn't anxious and desperate. Is that people. Men pick up on desperate. Whenever you follow that, they flee. Whenever you flee, they follow. So it's about being, you know, being present. Anyway, I didn't hear from her after three years. I don't know what happened to her after that. But I just know that this has been a common pattern. And most women, or men, usually women, come to me for this. Most women will find a guy within three weeks. That's an average time. If they clear the baggage, realize that nothing's missing, reestablish that their own values are creating it in the form that it is. And then they go and neutralize some of the charges of the past relationships they manifest. There's never a lack of what you're looking for. The soulmate is always present. It's just in one or many forms.
- [34:04]
A
Beautiful. And I just. The power of the inner work to clear what was actually inhibiting us from more fully recognizing or allowing. But also talk to us about our relationship with contrast. Right. So. Because sometimes our. That can block our emotional experience, and yet ultimately we want to have that contrast give us feedback about creating the life that we want. Can you explain a little bit and unpack contrast?
- [34:27]
B
Well, it was Wilhelm Wundt, who is the father of experimental psychology, in 1897, that wrote a book on the laws of contrast, which is being used today. And the law of contrast. You see this with men and women. I had a woman who was voted the most beautiful woman in the world by a bunch of magazines. A South African woman married to a very wealthy billionaire. Beautiful girl, but she had body dysmorphia. She believed that her beauty. She couldn't see her beauty. Why? Because she was comparing her hair to a woman that had thicker hair by the laws of contrast. So her hair was beautiful, but in comparison to this other girl, she thought her hair was too thin. She thought her breasts were a little smaller than she would like and a little less prominent. And so she was comparing it to another woman that had those types of breasts. She was looking at her thighs to another woman. And because she was on the Runway, she was comparing herself to other models. And. And she couldn't see her own beauty and devalued herself and beat herself up of the way she looked. The overall package was extraordinary. But each of those parts, by the law of contrast, were being compared. And so men do this with people in business. Whatever you value most is where you typically do it. Anytime you put people on a pedestal, you'll minimize yourself. Anytime you put them in the pit, you'll exaggerate yourself. Both are imposters. Both of you will. The both of those Personas will not allow you your maximum potential in life. It's only when you're authentic, when you're not exaggerating, minimizing others and yourself, when you actually maximize your potential. So anytime we judge another person, we end up having to judge ourself. The world on the outside is reflecting. We're too proud or too humble to admit what we see in them, inside ourselves, and therefore we disempower our lives. So reflective, pure, reflective awareness is. Is what true intimacy is and true mastery is.
- [36:32]
A
Yeah, you mentioned comparison. And I get curious about this age of social media where people are comparing all day long and it's oftentimes others highlight reels or what wants to be shared. What do you think this is doing to our sense of self as a society?
- [36:47]
B
Whenever I see somebody that I admire and I look up to and I see it, I immediately identify what exactly is the trait or the action that they're demonstrating that I'm admiring. And then I go and look inside my life and where do I demonstrate that? Where do I display or demonstrate the same behavior until the quantity and quality are the same? And then I thank them for revealing what I've been hiding from myself. That's been. I've been too humble to admit. And that is useful if you use social media as a reflective tool. It's a great way of awakening inside things you've been denying in yourself and disowning parts you've been not acknowledging. But if you don't and you just see them above you and you minimize yourself, it can be distracting. Because anything you infatuate or resent that you put up on a pedestal or put in a pit is going to occupy space and time in your mind. It's going to run your life and it's going to keep you in your amygdala instead of in your executive function, and you're going to be reacting as an automaton to misperceptions subjectively instead of being objectively focused on something meaningful. That's true. And it could be service to people.
- [37:52]
A
I love that. I love using social media as an opportunity to do personal development work, to use it to wake up. Because I think a lot of the time people will say I'm better than or I'm worse than. Both are stories that are just made up. We are all equally inherently worthy and like, independent of anything we do or say. And I'm wondering if there are any practical tools, like, I love what you're just speaking to around positive projections. Anything I admire in somebody else is a reflection of that quality already inside of me. So where do I just not put it on someone else? Where am I already operating within that quality of my life? And how do I encourage or express it and own it more fully?
- [38:29]
B
I went to the Oxford English Dictionary and I underlined 4628 individual human behavioral traits inside the dictionary. It's the largest dictionary I could find at the time. And I'm a neurotic guy and I do research. So I went through the dictionary and I identified that many traits. Then I wrote out to the side of the dictionary, really small print. Who do I know that demonstrates that trait to the fullest, the most extreme that I know? And then whatever it is, and I went, and then I wrote out, where do I do it? When do I do it? Who perceives me doing it? Until it was equal to what I perceived in them and I found out that I was missing nothing. I don't miss any traits. I'm nice, I'm mean, I'm kind, I'm cruel, I'm honest, I'm dishonest, I'm forthright, I'm withheld, I'm, you know, I. I have every one of the traits, and you know what? I am grateful for them. I have no desire to get rid of any part of myself. I have no desire to go and try to add something to myself. It's already there. I don't need to fix anything. Most people are trying to get rid of half themselves, trying to love themselves by getting rid of half of themselves. It won't work.
- [39:38]
A
I think that's really beautiful, and I think that's a healthy ego where we can say all of the human experience is inside of me. I'm not better than or worse than. I have every trait within me. I think that's very, very mature and healthy. And I think you're right. There's a lot of people who are into personal development or spirituality as a way to opt out of the human experience rather than just to accept it, to embrace it. And that ironically does change it as.
- [40:02]
B
As this one priest said on a social media video one time, it said, you know, the sometimes religions and sometimes politicians use moral hypocrisies to project how you should be, ought to be, supposed to be, got to be, have to be, must one sided. You know, be nice, don't be mean, be kind, don't be cruel, be positive, don't be negative. There's no such thing. No human being has one sidedness, you know, and you can be nice to somebody and mean to somebody at the same moment, you know, so the idea of trying to get rid of half of yourself and only be one sided and think that's what perfection is, is the delusion. And this is commonly taught even in the self help movement. You know, you're getting to be positive all the time. You're not going to be positive all the time. Just, just go start dating somebody or get married to somebody. You ain't going to be positive all the time.
- [40:52]
A
Yeah. And there's wisdom in all of it. And so it's. Yeah, I love what you're, you're here.
- [40:57]
B
To own all the traits that humans are here to own. I always say at the level of the soul, nothing's missing. At the level of the senses, things appear to be missing. The things that appear to be missing are the things you're too proud or too humble to admit that you have that you reflect off other people. When you go in there and own them all and realize that you're the hero and the villain, the saint and the sinner, the virtue and the vice. You're all of it. You now to master your life, you're only gonna grow to the level of what you can own.
- [41:23]
A
I really hope people hear that. I think that's beautiful and I think it's innocent that we may repress parts of ourselves because maybe we grew up in a household where anger wasn't acceptable. And yet I need my parents to, to attach to me, to feel safe to. Because I needed them to, I was dependent on them. So I'm going to push down my anger. But being human, you're going to have anger. And yet we attract somebody that will express what we repress. And so we'll attract children. Exactly. It shows us, oh, I have that in me. How do I learn to just embrace that? Yeah.
- [41:55]
B
I said the children are epigenetically designed to express all your repressions. They're gonna, they're gonna nail you.
- [42:04]
A
Oh yeah. If you got buttons to push, they will push them.
- [42:06]
B
People think the purpose of marriage is Happiness or whatever. No, it's there to make you face your stuff. I mean, it's, it's, they're gonna, it's gonna point out all your stuff that you have a delusion about.
- [42:15]
A
I know the relationship and love is a big interest for people. Another big interest for people is success. And in terms of looking at highly successful people, whether it be a millionaire, billionaire, oftentimes people will think like, I'm just not built for that. For your point of view, I would love just to hear what you feel like is a misunderstanding in that belief.
- [42:33]
B
I don't pursue success because the infatuation with success breeds the fear of failure. They're polarities like those. So I don't waste my time on it. I gave up success way long time ago. I'm a man on a mission and I embrace the supportive and challenging, the positive and negative, the ups and downs, the prouds, the shames, they're all absolutely essential in the journey. And anybody that tries to tell you they only have one side's lying. There's two sides. So I don't waste my time pursuing success. I'm a man on a mission. And sometimes I feel like I'm achieving some of the things and I learned to calm that down. Otherwise you get addicted to that and then if you don't have that, you feel the opposite, failure. So I call those distractions. Success and failure are distractions for a man on a mission to me or a person on a mission. But I do believe that we can't define it only by money. I think of there's seven areas of life that I break life into. And you know, some are spiritually quested, some are intellectually quested, some are business questioned, some are financial quested, some family, some social leadership quested, some physical fitness quested. I know people that never made money in their life, but they have one hell of an achievement in raising beautiful children. And that's their dream, that's their goal, that's their highest value, that's what they're doing. Rose Kennedy, her mission statement was, I dedicate my life to raising a family of world leaders. And she pulled it off. She did it so she didn't make a whole lot of money, but her kids did. But her husband had a different set of values. It was more business, finance and intellect. Hers is more family, social and conflict contribution and fitness and health. Whatever the hierarchy of your values is where you're going to sell. And anytime you're living congruently you have fulfillment. I'd rather pursue eudaimonia and fulfillment than immediate gratifying pleasure and success. That's just, I'm more there fulfilling what's most important and meaningful to you. Having a life of meaning is to me way more profound.
- [44:42]
A
Yeah, I agree. Yeah. And I just know that money tends to be one area that not a lot of people talk about. So there's a lot of inherited trauma around it and generational trauma. And so I just think it's helpful to do healing work around that so people are conscious stewards of it. And yes, coming back to whatever's true in alignment and really defining success in a more holistic, well rounded way, of course is like much more successful, gratifying.
- [45:09]
B
And aligned when it comes to money. You know, I, I, I've been blessed, I've been very fortunate in the wealth area. But that's not because of some fantasy. It's because a gentleman came to my office when I was 27 years old, when I had opened up my practice, put my shingle out as they say, and he asked me if I ever decided to be, I intended to be financially independent. I said yes. They said, well, I have nine questions I'm going to ask you and if you can answer those congruently, I'll believe you. But if you don't know the answer to these, the odds of you being financial independent is zero. And of course I'm like going, well I got to know those questions, right? So he asked me those questions. What is your current assets, total assets? What is your current total liabilities? What is your current net worth assets minus liabilities? What exactly do you want to have as an annual passive income that you call financial independence? It's a really grounded number. It's like getting an Uber, not knowing where you're going, not know where you are. A lot of people living wishy washy lives. And then exactly what is the interest rate from your investment knowledge, do you intend to accomplish that you can average? And what's the inflation rate up against it? And what is the total amount of the actual total net worth required with that interest rate minus that inflation rate to give you that number that you're striving for? And then what exactly is the shortfall between where you, where you want to be and where you are? These are really grounding questions. And then what exactly is your strategy? Well, when I got nailed with this strategy, my head went into a throbbing headache, my jaw went into tightness, I couldn't see light at the end of the tunnel and I was living in a fantasy and he Grounded me. I mean, grounded me. But I tell you what, I made a lot of money because of that man who cared about me. And he made me realize that if I don't really have a value on it, it's going to slip through my hands. Because money circulates through the economy from those who value, at least to those who value it most, those that have the most disorder around it to those the most have the most order around it. And if you value it, you're going to have a value on serving people, a value on making sure that you're efficient at it, that you have an income that you invested and buy assets that go up in value. If you keep buying things that go down in value, consumables that depreciate, you're not going to get financially independent. You're going to be a slave working for money instead of a master having it work for you. There are grounded laws that govern finances. They're trainable. People can do it, but it requires the value of actually building it. If you have a value on buying a nice dinner and going on a trip and buying nice clothes and doing that more than you do in buying assets, you're not going to get financially independent unless you end up scoring some wealthy man or woman that's going to help you.
- [48:06]
A
And talk to us about procrastination as a pattern in terms of people that just keep repeating some of these habits, given it's the new year for people that are like, gosh, I keep repeating the thing that's not serving me. What is going on internally and what can they do to help change that?
- [48:23]
B
I'm going to crack that myth. You don't ever procrastinate. You don't ever procrastinate, hesitate, or frustrate on things that are really valuable to you. But you're designed to procrastinate, hesitate, and frustrate on things that aren't. You're just not clear about what's really important to you. And you're fantasizing by comparing yourself to others. I'm not talking about you, but the person that says that, the individual, they're comparing themselves to somebody else. They're putting them on a pedestal. They're thinking, I should be doing that. I ought to be doing that, not doing it. Why am I not doing it? What's wrong with me? I keep sabotaging. I. I'm. I'm not disciplined. I'm lazy. No, you're not. Not in what you really value. And you may be watching movies and be there disciplined Every single day, watching the movie every night. Or you may be socializing and doing social media every day. What's really valuable to you, you're masterful at. But if you set a goal that's not congruent with that, you're going to think there's something wrong with you. You're going to keep labeling yourself, procrastinating, hesitating, frustrating, self sabotaging all the labels, limiting beliefs, all that stuff that's taught, but really finding out what's really important to you and getting clear about it is huge. And transcending those labels.
- [49:31]
A
I agree. I find that procrastination oftentimes is an inner rebel saying, don't tell me what to do, you can't make me. And so it's when we tell ourselves we should do something that procrastination kind of pendulums the other directions.
- [49:44]
B
Like, no, it has to, because it's a should. It's not a you. You don't over should yourself. I don't should myself about getting up, teaching. I don't go. I should get up and teach. I just teach.
- [49:55]
A
And without the have to, the want to appear. So even questioning that I should gives us more choice and autonomy. And then we can come back. Like what you were saying in the beginning of the conversation of alignment. Like, what do you genuinely desire? And let yourself have permission because there will be the motivation and that.
- [50:12]
B
What does your life demonstrate you're committed to? That's the question. What does your life spontaneously demonstrate you're committed to? And quit lying to yourself about what you think is important. That's a big one. A lot of people live in fantasies about what they think they should be doing instead of honoring what they do. Honoring your authentic self is way more powerful than fantasizing and then beating yourself up.
- [50:35]
A
It's good to wake up from that trance and talk to us about anxiety. So from a scientific perspective, what's happening in the brain? What do we need to be aware of with anxiety?
- [50:44]
B
Anxiety is nothing but a compounded experience that you associated more pain and pleasure to. Anytime you perceive a pain without a pleasure, which is your illusions because the event has both sides. But you chose to see a drawback without a benefit, a torture without a terrific. Anytime you see a negative without a positive, anything that was associated with that event could trigger an anxiety. Let's say somebody criticized you and they had a brown mustache, brown hair, white shirt, and blue jeans. Okay, so now you've associated that. That's an image. That's that your amygdala is signed to your hippocampus and it's stored as an episodic memory. And you're sitting there and you've got this painful experience. Now you meet a guy going down in an aisle in a grocery cart and you meet a guy who's got blue jeans and a white shirt, brown hair and a brown mustache. And all of a sudden you go, ooh. Something about this guy I don't trust. I'm going to avoid this person. That's because of the associations you made with something you didn't see the benefits to. And as long as you store that so called trauma. Because trauma's not what happens to you, it's your perception of choice of how you perceive the event. And if you go in there and find out how it served you and neutralize it, the anxiety cascade goes down. But anxiety is a compounding of an original event that was imbalanced, designed to make sure you leave nothing unloved. It's gonna force you to go back and clear that issue.
- [52:10]
A
Yeah, this like redemptive love. To go back to everything, everything is looking to be met with love, with presence. That's it.
- [52:17]
B
Look, it's all love. There's nothing but love. All else is illusion. But we go through, we go through and judge things by moral hypocrisies. And then we expect people to be nice without mean and kind, without cruel. And if they're not, we think there's something wrong. We're angry at them, and then we're angry at ourself for being frightened and all this, all this drama that we create.
- [52:36]
A
Yeah, and the inner work really helps set us free. And I know one of the biggest topics around this is what people think of us. So for people that are worried about what people think of them, do you have any words of wisdom or insights you can share?
- [52:48]
B
Well, if you putting somebody, anytime you meet somebody that you think is more important than you, you're going to worry about their opinion of you. When if a kid, I use the analogy of a kid coming up to you on a bicycle, you're a business person, right? And this kid comes up on a bicycle and he shoots the finger at you and calls you an idiot and a loser and just really cusses at you. And you just see this little 10 year old kid and you go, okay, kid, like you just walk off, you don't care. It's like whoopie doo, not a big deal. But if all of a sudden a limo pulled up and Warren Buffett and you know, Jeff Bezos, Richard Branson, Bill Gates, all these big business leaders come up in a limo, roll down the window and say that same thing. And you're trying to be an entrepreneur and you've been looking up to those people, man, you'll go home and cry, you'll be devastated because they think you're a loser. Because you acknowledged that they have something you don't think you have and you believe that somehow they're greater than you and as a result of it, you minimize yourself and exaggerated them and therefore their opinion becomes more significant than your own.
- [53:58]
A
Yeah, and another thing that I've realized, because we need each other, we need each other for survival purposes. And so we need attachment, we need community. And so there's a biological wiring of wanting people to like us. And so there's nothing wrong with it. I think if we judge it, we're stuck with it. And so having compassion for that part of you or that part of us that might care what people think, I think is the first start. Awareness, but compassionate awareness. And then for me, in my own investigation, I've seen that it's actually not other people's opinions that hurt me, it's my opinions about their opinions. If I depend, then I'm in, then I'm, then I'm in an argument with them. Then I have an internal experience of struggle. But open minded, I'm like, oh, maybe they have something to teach me or maybe there's some truth to that, or thanks for your suggestion, that's. But it's not my truth. It's a lot softer. It's not like a, a defense inside.
- [54:49]
B
It doesn't have a. I just immediately asked the question, what exactly what specific trait, action or inaction do I perceive this individual displaying or demonstrating that I dislike or disagree, despise most? And then I narrow it down and get concise so it's not nebulous. Then I go, where do I do that, when do I do it? And who do I do that to? And who perceives me that way? Until it's equal, till it's quantitatively and qualitatively equal, then that softens it. Then I go, how did it benefit me? They did that. In that moment, what are all the benefit sides? And when the benefits equal the drawbacks, it doesn't even sting. And you thank them, they're your teacher. Then you go and look at what role did I play in that manifestation? Was I cocky? Did I arrogant? Was I puffed up? Did they need to bring me down into authenticity? What's the perfect perfection of this and I go in there and at the same time, who is doing the opposite in that moment? I ask a series of questions and when I do, you just go and thank the person. Nothing there to be upset about.
- [55:46]
A
I really like this whole theme around positive and negative projections and really doing our work to own our shadow and our light so that we're not inflating any goy sensation of self, a fake sense of self. It's like, yeah, I have the full human experience within me. I can see where I've done that in this area of my life. It doesn't mean that's who I am, but I can see that quality within me.
- [56:03]
B
Well, but the thing is that the ghost and the light are also part of the illusion. And Jung described the ghost is the light and the light is the ghost. It's just a matter of looking at it from a broader perspective. At the level of the soul, those language, those, those terms even dissolve because inside you know when somebody's mean to you, they're helping you become an entrepreneur and more independent. When there's somebody nice, you become independent and supported, you stay juvenile. So nice mean. It's an illusion. Yeah.
- [56:31]
A
I keep seeing you have a perspective that you open to see it from different points of view so that there's less, there's more neutrality around all of it which then helps come into the synchronicity flow.
- [56:41]
B
You made it polarized with your expectations and perceptions. You gotta take on your role.
- [56:45]
A
That's right. The powers in you now, the situation.
- [56:48]
B
Yeah. It's never what happens to you. It's your perception, decisions and actions from so good.
- [56:52]
A
My goodness, what a gift to have you. I know my audience is going to want to stay connected. Talk to us about what you're up to. How can we stay connected?
- [57:00]
B
I just research, write, travel and teach. That's about it. I'm useless everywhere else. I can't cook. I haven't driven a car in 35 years. I have people doing everything else that I don't love doing. I just hire people and just let them take care of all those things. And so I just teach, research, travel. If they go on my website, drdemartini.com they can find out what I'm doing. And please go to the website and do the value determination process. I am certain it will be helpful for you and whoever's there. And if I can be of service, just go on the website, find out where I'm at, what I'm doing. I just love doing what I do.
- [57:36]
A
I'm so grateful for you and we'll put all the links in the show notes here below. Thank you for who you are and how you move through the world. It's been a pleasure to connect with you.
- [57:43]
B
Thank you for great questions and for your opinion on your podcast. Thank you.
- [57:48]
C
Thank you so much for doing this work that changes the world, starting with yourself.
- [57:52]
A
It truly does make a difference and.
- [57:54]
C
If this podcast has supported you, one.
- [57:56]
A
Of the most impactful ways to help.
- [57:57]
C
Us reach more people is to simply.
- [57:59]
A
Press the follow button. It really does help us grow and.
- [58:02]
C
We are so grateful. You can also leave a review on Apple or Spotify and take a quick screenshot and upload it@alyssanobriga.com forward/podcast and as a thank you gift, we'll send you one of the most impactful tools for transforming your fear into freedom so that you can step more fully into your potential. There is so much more magic ahead and I cannot wait to share it with you. But for now I just want to say thank you for being a living example of what it means to walk through the world with an open heart and mind. I am so grateful that you're here and I cannot wait to see you in the next episode.