Sex Expert on the Surprising Power of Sex & How You Can Build Unbelievable Confidence in Bed

Summary

Podcast Summary: Mayim Bialik's Breakdown

Episode Title: Sex Expert on the Surprising Power of Sex & How You Can Build Unbelievable Confidence in Bed
Host: Mayim Bialik (B), with Jonathan Cohen (C)
Guest: Susan Bratton (A), Sex and Intimacy Expert
Release Date: February 18, 2025

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Episode Overview

This engaging episode explores the transformative potential of sexual intimacy for personal well-being, physical health, and relationship satisfaction. Mayim and Jonathan are joined by Susan Bratton, a prolific sex educator and advocate for lifelong sexual pleasure, to break down the science, myths, and practical tools around sexual fulfillment. The conversation dives into how understanding anatomy, neuroscience, and emotional connection can lead to more confident, joyful, and connected sexual experiences—at any age.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Health Benefits and Longevity of a Fulfilling Sex Life

• Sex and Healthspan: Susan cites extensive research showing that prioritizing satisfying intimacy supports longer, healthier, and happier lives, partly due to hormonal and neurological benefits.
• Orgasm as Medicine: Orgasms trigger powerful biochemical responses—oxytocin release, nervous system reboots, immune cell activation (natural killer cells)—which contribute to overall well-being and act as a physiological "reset" ([00:00], [32:06]).
• Surprising Agelessness: Sexual enjoyment isn’t confined to youth. Susan, at 63, says, “For me, at 63, I am having by far the best sex of my life” ([01:00], [16:19]).
• Sex as a Core Life Need: Susan places sex alongside nutrition, movement, and social bonds in the “pantheon” of vital components for a vibrant life ([09:27]).

2. Rethinking Anatomy, Arousal & Orgasms

• Beyond Hollywood & Porn: Most people's sexual knowledge comes from male-centric media depictions, leading to misconceptions and dissatisfaction ([05:59], [19:29]).
• Female Anatomy Unveiled: Susan provides in-depth, accessible explanations of female genital anatomy, likening the arousal process to “toasting an English muffin”—slow, patient, thorough engorgement is key ([19:33]).
  • “Men are like, let’s go, mama, I’m ready” ([16:19]); but for women, true arousal takes time and attention.
  • The clitoris isn’t just a “tip”—it’s a complex internal structure, the “buried treasure” for pleasure ([19:29]).
• 20+ Types of Orgasms:
  • Orgasms come in many forms: “nipplegasms,” “coregasms,” “footgasms,” blended orgasms, and more—each stimulating different neural pathways ([24:23], [26:23]).
  • Not just for women: “Very important that women are actually ahead of the game… men are just waking up to [multiple orgasms]” ([26:23]).
• Orgasmic ‘Cross Training’: Reframing orgasm as a learnable skill—different techniques and tools “cross-train” the nervous system for more pleasure and connection ([26:23]).

3. Safety, Desire, and Confidence

• Safety + Novelty = Desire: According to Susan’s formula, the combination of feeling safe and introducing variety rekindles sexual interest in long-term relationships ([78:21]).
• Removing Shame & Faking: Addressing cultural repression, Susan emphasizes that “there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re not broken… there’s always a workaround” ([74:14]).
  • Mayim: “Even women I know who are high powered…find it hard to ask for what they want sexually” ([40:43]).
• The ‘Sexual Soulmate Pact’:
  • Communication is foundational. Partners make an agreement to share authentic feedback about sensations, likes, and dislikes without fear or judgment ([42:02]).
  • “You have two sets of lips… and she’s talking to you the whole time. If you listen to her…” ([43:18]).
  • Feedback should be met with “Got it. Thank you,” keeping the space safe and constructive ([45:25]).
  • Avoid asking with “please”—it takes you out of your pleasure and into your head; “Just shout it out, mama!” ([47:59]).
• Interoception & Mindful Sex: Cultivating bodily awareness (interoception) is key to knowing what you want and effectively communicating it ([43:18]).

4. Practical Tools & Erotic Playdates

• Erotic Playdate Framework:
  • Instead of “scheduling sex” as a chore, reframe as an erotic playdate and learning experience ([36:39]).
  • The “Sex Life Bucket List” (free PDF/video) helps couples identify and pursue new experiences together ([36:39]).
  • “Beginning as beginners together”—experimenting, learning, and sharing creates variety and deepens connection ([38:54]).
• Techniques and Tips:
  • “Fluffing” and “yoni massage” as essential for arousal ([53:29], [56:14]).
  • Set the “lover space”: prepare the physical and sensory environment to promote relaxation and connection ([50:57]).
  • Use of toys/tools to increase stimulation, especially for overcoming anatomical changes with age ([56:14], [58:32]).
  • Hormone therapies, regenerative treatments (Gainswave, photobiomodulation, stem cells), and even dietary tools (Lactobacillus reuteri for oxytocin) for sexual regeneration and health ([67:29], [58:32]).

5. Sex Across the Lifespan

• Menopause and Atrophy: Susan advocates for hormone replacement and regenerative therapies to reverse age-related changes in sexual function for all genders ([67:29]).
• No ‘Peak’—Only Growth: Sexual pleasure can continue to deepen and expand throughout life ([16:19]).
  • “Your peak never ends. There is no peak. It just keeps getting better when you keep working on it” ([16:21]).

6. When & How to Orgasm

• No Right Time: Orgasm can happen before, during, or after intercourse, or throughout the encounter; it's about listening to one’s body and desires ([61:13]).
  • “The best time to have an orgasm is all the time. Just come the whole time” ([61:13]).
• Multiple Orgasms & Expanded Response: Women typically have no refractory period; “the lighter you go, the better you come” ([64:21]).
  • Expanded orgasmic states can be learned, maintained, and intensified with practice ([65:28]).

7. Societal & Emotional Considerations

• Barriers to Sexual Fulfillment:
  • Cultural repression, lack of education, partner mismatch, and misunderstanding all contribute to sexual dissatisfaction ([09:59], [34:39]).
  • Mayim recognizes that not everyone prioritizes or desires this depth of sexual connection, but the invitation is to consider what more might be possible ([80:33]).
• Changing the Paradigm:
  • Jonathan: “These conversations expand the realm of what’s possible… even just the idea of that begins to change how we approach connecting” ([80:33]).
  • Mayim: “What if what you think is possible for your body is actually not what’s possible for your body?” ([81:44]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Benefits of Sex:
  • “The more you have sex, the better you get. The better you get, the more confidence you have. The more you have sex, the more pleasure you create, the more you have new neural pathways.” – Susan Bratton [00:00], [16:19]
• On Feedback in Sex:
  • “You have two sets of lips… she’s talking to you the whole time. If you listen to her, she’s saying, ‘Oh, I want more of that,’ 'Don’t stop’…” – Susan Bratton [43:18]
  • “Why shouldn’t you say please? Because it takes you out of your theta state and into your beta state. And you can’t surrender to your pleasure… Just shout it out, mama!” – Susan Bratton [47:59]
• On Multi-Orgasmic Potential:
  • “Everybody is massively multi orgasmic. It’s all inside us. We can have over 20 kinds of orgasms.” – Susan Bratton [13:02]
• On Safety and Connection:
  • “Safety plus novelty equals desire.” – Mayim Bialik [78:21]
  • “It is a confidence builder for women and I think that’s why it’s suppressed.” – Susan Bratton [34:39]
• On Communication:
  • “Let’s get on the same page. Because people are. They’re on different pages… you touch someone, you don’t know exactly what they’re experiencing, maybe they’re just being nice.” – Jonathan Cohen [87:09]
• On Sensation and Mindfulness:
  • “Our body talks to us all the time… why would we not learn how to listen to that part of us?” – Mayim Bialik [89:52]

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |-----------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:00 | Opening: The science-backed benefits of sexual pleasure | | 05:59 | Susan’s backstory: From near-divorce to sex education | | 13:02 | The conflation of libido, desire, arousal; men vs. women | | 19:29 | Anatomy explained – the 'banana' analogy, English muffin metaphor | | 24:23 | 20 types of orgasms, MRI research, orgasmic ‘cross training’ | | 31:29 | Connection, oxytocin, and physiological impact of pleasure | | 36:39 | Scheduling vs. erotic playdates; Sex Life Bucket List | | 40:43 | The challenge of asking for what you want, feedback loops | | 42:02 | “Sexual Soulmate Pact” and feedback communication tips | | 53:29 | Creating the “lover space”, setting up a safe environment | | 56:14 | Techniques/tools for yoni massage, clip-on recommendations | | 58:32 | Regenerative therapies, oxytocin microbiome, sexual longevity | | 61:13 | When to have orgasms and the mechanics of multiple orgasms | | 67:29 | Sexual health in perimenopause/menopause and biohacking approaches | | 78:21 | Reflections: Real-life barriers, desire, and the role of safety | | 80:33 | Pushing the boundaries: Curiosity, body potential, and growth | | 89:52 | Mindful listening to the body and sexual self-awareness |

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Additional Resources and Where to Learn More

• Susan Bratton’s Work & Free Tools:

  • BetterLover.com – access to Susan's newsletter, eBooks, and educational videos
  • SexLifeBucketList.com – free erotic playdate guide
  • PersonalLifeMedia.com – more resources, interviews, and programs

• Books Mentioned:

  • Sexual Soulmates: 6 Essentials for Connected Sex (Susan Bratton)
  • Vaginal Restoration Revealed (Susan Bratton)
  • The Orgasm Gap (Laurie Mintz)

• Practices & Therapies Referenced:

  • Hormone Replacement Therapy, Nitric Oxide Supplementation, Gainswave, Red Light/Photobiomodulation, Stem Cell Injections

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Takeaways & Final Thoughts

The episode advocates for a revolutionary, holistic approach to sexuality—one rooted in science, mutual understanding, self-exploration, and ongoing growth.

• Learning and pleasure are life-long processes; sexual confidence is built, not bestowed.
• Feedback, safety, and open curiosity are the bedrock of deeper intimacy.
• Sexual fulfillment is both possible and beneficial at any stage or age—and accessible to anyone willing to listen, learn, and communicate.

As Mayim and Jonathan reflect, even if multiorgasmic marathon sex isn't everyone's goal, the invitation is to “consider what you think is possible for your body, and what could be possible.” ([81:44])

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For more information or to reach Susan Bratton, visit betterlover.com.

Transcript

[A]

Studies have shown that people who fight for and have a long, intimate life full of pleasure, they live a longer, healthier, happier life. There's so many benefits to having satisfying orgasmic intimacy. People who put attention on their sexuality and extend their sex span that actually extends. Extends their health span. Good orgasmic intimacy gives you a burst of oxytocin, a hormone cascade. It reboots your nervous system. It generates more immune function. It produces more natural killer cells, which get rid of the cancer cells in your body. The more you have sex, the better you get. The better you get, the more confidence you have. The more that you have sex, the more pleasure you create, the more you have new neural pathways. For me, at 63, I am having by far the best sex of my life.

[B]

Hi, I'm Maya Bialik.

[C]

I'm Jonathan Cohen.

[B]

And welcome to our Breakdown. This is the place where we break things down so you don't have to. Today, we're going to be helping you enter an aspect of your experience as a human that you literally may never have considered before. No, we're not talking about extraterrestrials. We're not talking about walking on the soul plane. We are talking about learning to listen to your sexual body.

[C]

We're speaking to a guest who starts to change our understanding of what's physically possible. So many of us have been having sex maybe in the same way, and this episode blows apart our understanding of what connecting with another person can be like.

[B]

Yes, we're going to talk about the fact that there are 20 different types of orgasms and we're going to learn about at least a dozen of them. We're also going to talk about the science of why being sexual has the ability to make us feel connected, but also has the ability to heal. Heal places where we don't feel safe.

[C]

We're going to explore increasing sexual sensitivity and the idea that people can have an orgasm without being touched, not even in the same room as the person who is causing them to orgasm.

[B]

I could be having one right now and no one would know. We're also going to talk about some really, really good practical tips. Tips how to create a space where we can communicate with our partner about what we're feeling sexually, how to create a lover space, and why it's important, what is in your room when you're having sex. In addition, we're going to learn about what an erotic play date is. And no, it's not about all the toys and things that you buy on the Internet that you can bring into your room. It's about understanding that there is a framework for you to feel safe, to feel sexual, and for you to be able to have the kind of sex in your 60s that you thought you could only have in your 20s.

[C]

We're also going to be giving very practical advice to men and women on what their partner needs that they are not getting. How to increase sexual desire, how to increase your partner's interest in having sex.

[B]

Our guest is also going to explain how everyone is capable of having multiple orgasms in one session and also many different kinds of orgasms. And why saying please when trying to get your sexual needs met is actually undercutting your ability to get what you want. We're talking to Susan Bratton. She's a sexpert, an intimacy expert to millions of. She's a champion and advocate for all those who desire lifelong intimacy and passion. She's the publisher of 44 books and programs on lovemaking techniques and bedroom communication skills. Sexual soulmates 6 essentials for connected Sex is the one that we're going to be talking about today, but there are so many. Her website is betterlover.com as well as personal life media.com she has a newsletter that reaches over 300,000 readers. Or I should say 300,001 after today. It's such a pleasure to welcome Susan Bratton to the Breakdown.

[A]

Hi Mayim, Good morning. How you doing?

[B]

Welcome to the Breakdown. We're very excited to get to talk to you. Does everyone say that to you? Do you ever go somewhere and people are like, I don't want to talk about this with you, Susan.

[A]

I try not to trigger people. I try to get an intuitive sense of where they are and what their level of comfort is. Because one of the things that I found is that when I speak about sex, at first people, they have this reaction like, ooh, this is a lot. And then they go, oh, I didn't die. I can handle this. Look at me, I'm an actual grown ass person and I kind of liked it. What else is there? So having the courage to speak about it, which took me a few years when I became a sexpert, to actually not have a lump in my own throat about the things I felt I needed to say now it's like water off a duck's back. I mean, easy peasy for me. I can say anything and I feel so comfortable. And I actually think that that empowers people to realize that sex is a specific. It's really helpful when you talk about it.

[B]

So maybe you can take us a little bit through your journey, what is your mission and how did you get here?

[A]

Yeah, I, I, I'm very lucky that I get to say my passion is passion. I just feels like such a good little cheat to me. I was 42, almost divorcing my husband because we had lost our way sexually. Hindsight 20 20, we look back, was the blind leading the blind. Like everybody, I mean, pretty much everybody's at a, you know, kindergarten or first grade level in their sexuality or even worse, not highly evolved because sexuality is so censored and really has been until the era of the podcast and the growth of the ability to, for podcasters who want to invite people like myself in to have these real talk discussions about sexuality because there's no place we can go to learn about it that isn't male oriented kind of sex. Everything we see in film, everything we see in porn, it's all for the male gaze. And so we've been having sex like we think we're supposed to and it's not working for a lot of people. A lot of partners are struggling and so being able to write it is really helpful. And that's what happened to Tim and I. We've now been married 33 years. We, we saw some therapy, we started telling the truth to each other, we started having an expanded orgasm practice, we started going to sex workshops and we realized, my God, sex is really easy to learn. Someone just needs to tell you the right things to do. And that's a combination of understanding our own anatomy, which we are not taught the, the pleasure of anatomy. We are only taught about contraception and you know, how to keep yourself safe and, and things like that, how a baby is made. But that's, that's not sex. That's, that's procreation, not lovemaking. And so Tim and I learned and we quickly became really good in bed together. We rekindled our marriage. And 20 years later, I've written hundreds of passionate lovemaking techniques and bedroom communication skills. I teach people about intimate wellness because if your parts aren't working, the sex isn't going to be great. And really expanded what people think about sexual. The paradigm is there's foreplay and intercourse. Sex is intercourse. That's what it is. It's not at all. Intercourse is a great, great part of lovemaking, but you really need to learn what you're doing because what you see out there is not what you want to do. When you start getting intercourse techniques, you get really good in bed together and then the intercourse becomes very orgasmic and very Pleasurable and very soul connecting. But it's not the only thing. So that's kind of how I got started. What got me into it. Your greatest wound becomes your greatest gift. Learning how easy it is and then wanting to teach people how to do it through online books and programs. I'm a publisher of passionate lovemaking techniques and I've published the work of my mentors as well as 34 of my own books and programs.

[B]

That's such a great, great place to start. One of the things that I wonder if you can kind of clarify is how important should sex be and why?

[A]

I think sex is in the pantheon of things that are vital to a long, healthy, happy life, such as the love of family and friends, good, healthy nutrition, moving our bodies, dance, music, art, love. It's a big part of it. And if you look at the data from all around the world, many, many studies have shown that people who fight for and have a long, intimate life full of pleasure, they live a longer, healthier, happier life. So it's interesting that when I get booked for speaking engagements, I most. I never get booked for someone to say for me to go on a stage and tell you how to make love, how to transform having sex into making love, how to have heart connected, passionate, conscious lovemaking. People aren't ready for that. What I get booked on is health span, sex span, sexual biohacking, intimate wellness, sexual regenerative therapies. The health angle for sex is kind of a Trojan horse into the conversation because people are like, oh, okay, so it's as good for me as working out and eating my leafy greens. Interesting. But that's not even enough. A lot of times when people say, what are the benefits of sex? Why should we be having sex? I say, if I tell you that you're going to be, you're going to put it in the same category as whatever you've decided to do about exercise and food. So let's talk about how do you actually have good sex instead of why is it good for you? Because if you don't think it's possible for you, you're not going to bother doing it anyway. You're going to be like, yeah, yeah, but, but my situation is different. I can't do it because of the following, you know.

[B]

Well, Susan, I'm here to tell you something. Jonathan and I are not afraid to have those conversations.

[A]

That's why I got invited. Mama.

[B]

Yeah, we're not afraid.

[A]

We don't want to.

[B]

I mean, the health stuff is interesting, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, no, we we really want to talk to you about the things that we would book you for a speaking engagement to talk about, which is really why we wanted to have you here. So one of the things that I really loved and I didn't get to read all of your books, there are many, but I did get to go through a few of them. And yeah, I. I really liked Sexual Soulmates. That was kind of the one that I locked into. But, you know, Vaginal Restoration Revealed was also a good one. But one of the things that I wonder if you can kind of start us out with. Um, there's.

[A]

There's.

[B]

There's so little understanding for both men and women about, in particular, women's anatomy and how to actually seduce the female body. Right. And I think what's interesting is when. When women don't know and men don't know, we have. It's just a black hole. It's a black hole of trying to interact. So I think what I love about the way you frame everything is it doesn't fall on one particular person. It's not like women. You don't know how to please yourself, so it's your fault. Or men, you don't know what you're doing, so it's your fault. This is about information that none of us are given access to. So maybe we can start there. What are the things about the female body that both men and women need to know in order for us to have better intimacy?

[A]

Yeah. There are three things that people often conflate. Libido, desire, and arousal. Libido is your body, and it's your health. It's. How healthy are you? If you have a low libido, it's often tied to emotional and physical lack of robustness, lack of resources. The desire is. How do you feel about yourself? I mean, you guys know the core wounds that people are walking around with, I'm not enough, I'm unlovable. You know, all of those really deep wounds and then struggles with your partner. You know, if you're pissed off at them outside the bedroom, you're not going to be happy with them inside the bedroom. Right. There's going to be resentment. So that's desire. The desire is the relationship, the emotional body. How do you feel about yourself? Are you, like, speaking so caught up in, you know, making yourself feel horrible about some belly fat or your boobs being saggy or whatever that you can't even relax and just enjoy your body? How do you get through those kinds of things? And then arousal? Is that what nobody told us about the difference between the innies and the outies that's holding us back from having super hot orgasmic sex. And that's the arousal patterns, the difference between the male and female body. And what I love about sex. I have a really easy job in all honesty. My job is that once I tell you something, you're like, oh, okay, I can just totally change what I've been doing. My approach was wrong, now I get it and I can do it. The body is an operating system. Everybody is massively multi orgasmic. It's all inside us. We can have over 20 kinds of orgasms. And I, as a sexpert, focus on, on orgasmic pleasure. Because why would you have sex if you don't have orgasms? Like all those experts out there saying, hey, don't focus on the orgasm, don't put the pressure on yourself. I'm like, jesus, it's so easy. If somebody just gives you the recipe, you're going to have them. You just got to remove the roadblocks, figure out what they are and you'll start coming really well. So don't shy away from learning how to have them. Have them. That's what it's there for. That's what the benefits of sex are. Yeah, it's nice to be close. I love the oxytocin, but I want the orgasmic ecstasy, for God's sakes. That's why I'm here. The difference between the male and female is basically timing. If you think about it, men have very fast acting hemodynamics, very quick blood flow, they're testosterone dominant. If they're healthy, they have nighttime erections. If they're healthy, they wake up with a boner in the morning, they get a, you know, they get an erection and they may able to maintain it and it's firm. And we can talk about regenerative therapies to reverse atrophy, reverse erectile dysfunction for both the male and female genitals. But generally, if a guy is healthy, he's kind of ready to go horny, turned on, he's masturbating frequently, often once a day, a few times a week. You know, this is just your basic dude and how he works. He's, let's go, mama, I'm ready.

[B]

How old is this dude? How old is this dude?

[A]

Any age you want. I mean, men in their 70s and 80s can have incredible sexual function. So it lasts as long as you want. Don't worry, you can keep it and you can reverse the atrophy to continue to have sex that Keeps getting better your whole life long because your sexual maturation and your personal development are. They come together. The more you have sex, the better you get. The better you get, the more confidence you have. The more that you have sex, the more pleasure you create, the more you have new neural pathways to your biggest sex organ to make you feel more. It just grows. It gets better and better and better. For me, at 63, I am having by far, by orders of magnitude, the best sex of my life. I'm the juiciest. I've been the most orgasmic. I've been the most comfortable. I am with my body, the most everything, the most fun and sassy and sexy and everything. So it doesn't stop. It's not for the youth. It's not for 18 or 30. That's not your peak. Your peak never ends. There is no peak. It's asymptotic. It just keeps getting better when you keep working on it. But the thing is, for women, we have. If you think about. I've got a banana around here somewhere, I'm sure. Of course you do. If you think about a penis, and I've got a big one right here. If you think about a big banana, about half of it sticks out of a guy's body and about half of it goes in and down towards his testicles. And the whole fruit of that banana, double what you see is erectile tissue. So, Jonathan, you'll be happy to know your dick's twice as big as you thought it was.

[C]

Look at that. Blessings every day.

[B]

Look, she just.

[A]

Blessings.

[B]

She just created the cold open for us.

[A]

Exactly. And what's nice about it is that when you take out the erectile tissue that is inside the banana, that is the same amount of erectile tissue that is in a vulva. A and I like to call the female genital systems the yoni Y o n I. It's a tantric lovemaking word. It means the portal in Sanskrit. And it's really inclusive of the spirituality, the sexuality and the anatomy. It's all the things. So yoni y o n I and if I took that erectile tissue out of his penis, or lingam is the analogous word for a penis, and turned it into a little teardrop like this, then that teardrop is right inside our vulva. Our vagina and our G spot poke out from the center of that teardrop, then this is all of it. So people are so focused on the tip of the clitoris, but the clitoris is all this buried treasure in here. And the thing is that it's three different. Let me show you a picture.

[B]

I mean, if the Play doh demo was not enough, she's gonna draw us a picture.

[A]

I'm gonna show you a picture of a yoni. First, let me show you a lingam. So this erectile tissue in the penis, all the way in and out, Half of it sticks out, half of it's in and down. All of that is these three big tissue structures. If you look at a vulva, here's what it looks like. Same big three tissue structures. So if here's the vulva and I peeled away the top level, the three tissue structures are here. Here's the clitoral tip shaft. That's our little penis. The little arms crora. The little legs, vestibular bulbs, the G spot, which is actually the urethral sponge. It's a big tube, a noodly tube. And the perineal sponge down below the vagina. Between the vagina and the rectum, all of this is surrounding us. But it's like an English muffin. You take the English muffin out of the fridge, you slice it in half, you throw it in the toaster, you press it down, it pops up. The damn thing's not toasted. You gotta press it down again, it pops up. Ooh. Now it's all brown and crusty and perfect. You take the butter, it's hard, from the fridge, you cut it, you stick it in there, and you smash the English muffin pieces together. And you wait until all that butter melts into all those nooks and crannies. That's female anatomy. Blood flow right there. It takes us 20 minutes to get the blood flow. That our male body partners are like, boink. They see our boobs, and they're like, let's go. And then you add to that the fact that the world thinks in the paradigm of foreplay and sex and sex meets means intercourse. So we got to get through this to have this thing we're supposed to do. No one ever told us how to have intercourse, so we're having it like men have imagined in television and media and pornography, instead of ever seeing any visual images of what women need for our physiology. And men are like, damn, I'd do that if you show me what it is like it. The blind leading the blind behind closed doors. This is what it is. And so you rush to this thing. He has an ejaculatory experience. Maybe she ekes out an orgasm, if she's lucky, she squeaks one out, and that's sex. And she's literally never even gotten a lady boner because they're already done and he's having a sandwich and she's like, oh, okay. I don't think I really want to have any more sex after a while because if this is what it is, it's not good enough for me. And that's kind of where we go off piece.

[B]

There's 8,000 things that you just said that I need, I need so much more information.

[A]

Welcome to my adhd. Apparently.

[B]

I, I, first of all, I, I want to, I want to just, you know, I have a lot of respect for the way that you present information because you're speaking about the anatomy, you're speaking about, you know what, what those of us who had to study embryology learned was that these tissues are the same and they differentiate depending on the hormones that are secreted, you know, when, when the embryo is forming. But that the tissues themselves are the same. That means they have the same capacity. They obviously operate differently and mechanistically they're different and culturally they're different and depending on the species they're different. But these tissues have the same capabilities. And when you have, you know, homo sapiens sapiens making love and forming bonds. But I really, I appreciate the introduction of the anatomy and, and also there's a tremendous level of avoidance that our culture has in particular about talking about female anatomy. And also like, they gave us weird words for certain parts like the, like the letter V is not a friendly letter. Right. Vagina doesn't sound nice like Yoni does. Vulva, like these are words. I mean I've heard certain comedians talk about this, that even the names of the female anatomy, you know, it's like it, it involves a little kind of linguistic, you know, mind bending.

[A]

Yeah, good old Seinfeld with his malva.

[B]

That's right, Malva. Malva. And Dolores, you, you said that there's 20 different types of orgasms. Yeah. Now I think most people just think of like there's a good orgasm and then there's one that's like, eh, that wasn't exactly what I thought. Or there's the fake orgasm. Those would be the three kinds I think that most people know about. What are these 20 different kinds of orgasms?

[A]

Yeah, and I loved that you said homo sapien sapien. Because when we start thinking about ourselves on the tree of life, we are on the branch with the orangutans and the bonobos and the chimpanzees. We are a great ape. And when we begin to get back to the reality Of Homo sapiensapien, We start to think about ourselves more in our animal body. And our animal body must be tamed, loved, calmed. One of the techniques in the sexual soulmates book that you got is the soulmate embrace. And it's a way of being held that we need as women, especially to get out of our estrogen monkey minds, that our reticular activation system is on high. We don't walk in the world safely. We are the prey, not the predator. We have to multitask. We're judgmental about things, including our own body image. These are hormones of protection and safety in many ways that support us in keeping us safe. But they make it harder for us to begin to climb that arousal ladder, to be able to let the blood begin to flow into our pelvic bowl, to seep into the English muffin in our pants to get us to turned on. You know, biohackers, I. I go on a lot of biohacking shows, they're really interested in talking about sex. And I say, I say to them, sometimes you're willing to put 20 minutes in to let your sauna warm up, but not your, something's messed up here. I hope I could say the P word on your show. Okay, good. I usually don't, but it just seems.

[B]

Like the right word for that moment.

[A]

So I talk a lot about orgasmic cross training. And one of my girlfriends, Dr. Nan Y, she's a neuroscientist sexologist therapist, and she stuck women in an MRI and had her, their partners touch different parts of their genital structures and watch what parts of their brain lit up. And when I touch your outer labia, your labia majora, it lights up a different part than when I touch inside your vagina on your cervix or your G spot or your perineum or your clitoral shaft or your mons Venus, you know, and what's interesting about that is when you start to think about, oh, okay, all of these are different areas of my brain, my biggest sex organs processing sensation. It's what's telling me that feel good or ouch. That I feel shame when you touch me there, Or I feel pain when you touch me there, Or I feel numb. I don't feel a damn thing when you touch me there. Know that you can transform shame, pain and numbness into pleasure by loving, consistent touch that activates and awakens not only the blood flow to the tissue and the engorgement, but the signals to your biggest sex organ. So pretty soon you're feeling all these great sensations. So 20 kinds of orgasms really net out into three kinds of orgasms. The first is, and by the way, Homo sapiens sapiens can have all of these, not just the lady monkeys. So very important that women are actually ahead of the game with regard to understanding that they can have many different kinds of orgasms. Men are just waking up to that, and they're waking up to it through two pathways of interest to them the most. One one is P spot the prostate. P spot orgasms, or blended penile and prostate pleasuring orgasms. And what I would call full body male multiple orgasm or energy orgasms. Male multiple orgasms. They're aware of that through the work of the Taoists like Montauk Chia's lineage. And so men are starting to think, oh, you mean maybe there's more than one way. Like they've conflated ejaculation with orgasm and they think that's what coming is. It's not, it's like now women think it, you have to touch the tip of my clitoris to give me an orgasm. Oh no, you do not. You are. You can have nipple gasms, footgasms, belly gasms, or core gasms. You can have all kinds of locations in the Volvo vaginal yoni complex, so can our male bodied partners. So there's locations to touch, which is this activation. And I like to use a lot of sex tools for this, for orgasmic cross training, for awakening and stimulating that tissue. There are techniques to use, like maybe I could give you an orgasm through my erotic hypnosis, which is called a think off by some people. Long distance orgasms. I don't even have to be in the same room with you and I can make you calm, right? So I. Erotic hypnosis, female ejaculation. It's not just what you see in porn, which is this kind of like brutal stimulation of the urethral sponge to get a fluid result. But instead it's like orgasmic G spot de armoring activation, awakening and then allowing your feminine waters to run. All women can ejaculate. Some do it naturally. Other women need to just learn the pathway to it. Really nice, beautiful kind of orgasm takes technique. Expanded orgasm practice is a technique. I'd love to tell you more about that. And then there are. So there's locations to touch, there's techniques to use, and there's objects of desire. Some of us have kinks, you know, latex flogging, candle wax. But it's also tools like vulva massagers, prostate massagers, air stimulators thrusters. Now we're moving into. I was just. I was literally just in Hollywood. I just got back moderating a panel on sex tech and where we're going with haptics and teledildonics and the quantified orgasm. This vibrator from Lioness literally will tell you it's like the aura ring for your clitoris or the aura ring for your yoni, where it'll tell you how long, how many contractions did you have? An avalanche, a volcano? There's different styles of orgasms you can have. And if you can have a volcano, you can have an avalanche. Like, you just need to learn how to have them all. So you can literally use orgasmic quantification now to know how you're doing with your orgasmic expansion.

[B]

I'd also like you to speak about why being able to receive pleasure from your partner makes us feel more connected. Meaning you can just sort of, like, have sex or, you know, as you see depicted in a lot of, you know, popular media, like, oh, they just want to have sex, and I'm just going to, like, get it over with, you know. But why is the work that you are suggesting that people put into getting to know each other, getting comfortable with each other, and achieving maximal pleasure? Why does that change a relationship?

[A]

Yeah, well, there's so many benefits to having satisfying orgasmic intimacy, physical benefits. And if you look at the data, and there's data that's been collected around the world that shows that people who put attention on their sexuality and extend their sex span the amount of time throughout their life that they're having pleasurable intimacy that that actually extends their health span. So it's a longevity answer in some ways. It's also just a physiologic answer in other ways, where good orgasmic intimacy gives you. I want to return to this one. I'm going to say it first. I'm going to come back to it because it's so important. It gives you a burst of oxytocin. It gives you a neurotransmitter cascade, a hormone cascade. It reboots your nervous system. It generates more IGF for immune function. It produces more natural killer cells, which get rid of the cell analytic or zombie cells and the cancer cells in your body, and even things like it oxygenates your brain. So if you have orgasms before you go to bed especially, it's really good for nighttime, you know, detoxification of your brain. Some ancient Taoists used to do semen retention for longevity. So there's Just this. There's like thing after thing after thing after thing after thing that are good for you when you have pleasurable orgasmic intimacy. And I don't feel bad about really focusing on orgasm because that's where the juice is. You can have intimacy, but I mean how long you gonna wanna lie there and be a masturbatory sock? If you're not having an orgasm from it, you're not gonna want to. So I focus on it cause it's learnable.

[B]

Many women, and I would say many people, but many women in particular I think have kind of given up on this notion that there is something to achieve in terms of if I'm not having orgasms. Like there, there is benefit not just for longevity, but it, it potentially can make you feel more desire, more desire for if not your partner than a partner. It's an awakening of what you're actually capable of in terms of your sexuality, which I think a lot of women in particular have been told to kind of put on the back burner.

[A]

Yeah, well, we've been told a lot of things. We've been repressed, slut, shamed, never given the information about our anatomy, we've never been. And our male body partners, men suffer this equally with us. It's not, it's unfair to all of us that sexuality and sex education are pleasure based. Female forward sexual sex education is suppressed like women are suppressed generally. So it all goes into it. And the thing is that when you start having really good orgasms, it grounds you to your partner, to earth, it reboots your nervous system, it makes you more confident, it increases your passion, your vitality, your creativity. It is a confidence builder for women and I think that that's why it's suppressed. So knowing that your best job is to be a sexual anarchist and take all the pleasure you can that you've been denied all these years so you can get the benefits of it that have been kept from you.

[C]

I have a lot of married friends, they've been with their partners for many years. They have young kids, they have busy lives. They tell me about their sex life and you know, not in detail, but they share how things are going in their, in their marriages.

[B]

New podcast and one of the things.

[C]

That strikes me are the difference in time allotted to connection and sexual connection. And I've heard them describe, you're like, yeah, you know, more than 15 minutes. That seems excessive, right? Who has time for that? So tell us practically in order to achieve this type of connection, how long should people be scheduling, blocking off on their calendar in order to have this type of connection.

[A]

Yeah, well, nobody likes to schedule sex, Jonathan, because then it's another chore to do. And so I like to reframe it into how long should we allocate to have a super hot erotic play date together? And what are we going to learn when we decide to practice something new on each other to expand our sexual experiences and knowledge and pleasure? And when you reframe it like that, I recommend that I have a little. I have a little PDF and it's. It's called My Sex Life Bucket List. And you can Download [e-mail] It comes with a video that I did. It's about 40 minutes long. It's your free first erotic play date together. And you can watch it in bed on your phone or your laptop. And it's good if you print this out at home and make a copy for each of you if you can. And each one of these is 48 erotic playdate ideas of new things you can learn together so that you have this sex life bucket list that you've created together. And you mark them as I walk you through all 48. And they're really. I try to do it as sexy as I can because I want you to get really turned on. And when you walk through them, you mark them in A, A, B or a C. A is. Oh, this is definitely on my bucket list. We talked about it or we tried it once, and I really want to find my G spot or whatever it might be. Bs are. It's not for me, but if you want to do it, I will totally do it. If you want to film us making love and we can watch it later and talk about the sexy parts, I'll get over myself and do that with you. All right. I'm willing. And Cesar, it's not for me right now. Never say never. Because the thing that you used to go, why would anybody want to get spanked? That seems so demeaning now. You're like masturbating to the idea of getting spanked while you do it. You know, it's just. That's how we are. There's always, as we grow, we want to try new things. And so it gets the monotony of monogamy out of there because you're bringing in the variety and the novelty and the new ideas and the experimentation. And the beginning, like, beginning as beginners together, the Buddhist way of, you know, of excitement. Right? Beginning as beginners with a fresh mind and open eyes.

[B]

This is Literally something that you suggest is instead of focusing so much on what is sex going to be like, let's schedule our sex that if you're trying to rekindle a relationship sex, setting up these play dates where the goal is not and in the end we're going to have sex, but the goal is we have an activity that either you're interested in, I'm interested in, or we're interested together. And that is the purpose of the event that we are about to partake in.

[A]

Yeah, you'll feel like you've had a rel. A relationship renaissance. And one of the orgasmic. One of the erotic play dates is orgasmic intercourse techniques. I've created 10 a 10 step different intercourse things you can do and try so that both of you. You know my friend Dr. Laurie Minch, she wrote the book the Orgasm Gap. Right. The difference between how easy it is for men and how hard it is for women. That's just because the woman hasn't gotten enough pre intercourse arousal. And then she thinks there's something wrong with her because she doesn't react like a man to pornographic styles of intercourse, which is all we've ever seen. And so when you start doing the kind of very female friendly vagina melting intercourse techniques, you start having incredible intercourse. And so now then you start wanting it a lot more. And so one of the play dates is let's try thrust in time Glissan do the heart tongue method, the feline grind. All of these are learning learnable intercourse techniques that could be one of the things on your bucket list is let's learn how to give me orgasms from intercourse.

[B]

This is so this is first of all, I love this. This is really, it's fascinating. It's very helpful. One of the things you talked about in Sexual Soulmates, which is the six essentials for connected sex, I highly recommend. It's a very sweet little book. Like this is not like it's going to take you years to read. Like it's important and it's a good kind of handbook. But, but one of the things you talk about is feedback. And this is a really difficult thing. I know just from a lot of the women that I know that even asking for what you want in the first place is so freaking hard. And even women I know who are high powered, confident, successful, like run a business. I, I don't. I mean I'm sure it has to do with personality. It may have to do with trauma. It, A lot of it is our culture. I know but just even being able to say, like, that's not working for me. I'm not feeling anything. The notion of feeling you need to fake an orgasm, this is part of a lack of feedback. So you talk about a need for feedback that comes kind of from an animalistic place. Can you explain what is needed for both partners to be able to actually constructively understand what the other needs? What is this sort of space that you're supposed to learn to speak out from?

[A]

Yes. I don't know what I want. I just know what I'm getting, isn't it? If I tell my partner, if I make a request to my partner, they'll take it as they're doing something wrong. They'll shut down. They'll emotionally, emotionally check out, although. Or they'll argue with me. I know what I'm doing, so I don't feel welcome to speak my truth. So I just put up with and take what I can get because it is my duty. This is the standard and one of the. It's interesting when you talked about the sexual soulmates, the book, it seems like a very easy, breezy read. But those six essentials, they are. They're the ones. They're the little hinges that swing the big doors. They're easy to learn. You look at it and you're like, oh, I could do that. But it takes practice to do these things. And the communication technique with the feedback loops that you mentioned, the sexual soulmate act, the agreement between you and your lover that you're just going to start speaking from your animal bodies.

[B]

I'm terrified. I'm just, like, shaking my head. I'm so nervous. Keep going.

[A]

So the reason that you're nervous is that you feel that if you speak up, first thing, you don't know what you're going to say because you're not sure what you're going for. And so that's one thing. But the thing is that you have. You know, we have many senses in our body. Smell and sight and hearing and all of those things. But we also have another one called interoception. You know how when you're sitting in a, you know, a crowded car and you have to fart, you know you have to fart and you're like, oh, shit, I have to fart. I don't want to fart in here because everyone's gonna smell it. That is enteroception. You can feel the fart. So you can feel everything that's happening to you. If you tune into her, if you tune into your body, and if you think about Your body. You have two sets of lips. You have the ones on your mouth and you have the ones in your yoni. And she's talking to you the whole time. If you listen to her, she's saying, oh, that's scratchy. Oh, I want more of that. Oh, I don't like that. Oh God. Am I going to be able to feel anything? Oh God. Get out of your head and get back in. You know, you're having this running dialogue all the time. Is he getting impatient with me? You know, all of these things, things. Oh, I don't like that. Oh, that feels really good. I hope he keeps doing that thought. I like it's all going on. And when you begin to feel safe, just simply communicating what you're feeling, that's step one. And starting with the parts where it feels good is really great. Oh, I like that. Yeah, keep doing that. That feels good. Oh, gosh. Could you move down just a little bit? Oh, stay right there. Don't stop. When you start doing that, when you start moaning. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, that feels good, baby. Oh, and not forcing it.

[B]

I was just gonna say like if you, you cannot be the person who cries wolf. If you moan when it doesn't feel good, they're gonna keep doing that.

[A]

You're, you're. And, and that's. I'm gonna get to what I need male bodied people, testosterone dominant humans to understand as well. But when the moaning will come, as the pleasure builds, let it out, but don't force it. When you start with the positive, but you create a safe environment for your partner. When your partner enters into the soulmate pact with you and says, okay, I'm not going to take this as anything I'm doing wrong. I'm reframing that we are now doing positive communication and that everything you tell me is just going to help me keep pleasure you better, which is my ultimate goal. And that you, my woman, run on a 28 day moon cycle. And not only every day are you different. Sometimes you are a little kitty cat and you need to be held and stroked from the top to the bottom, not against the fur. And you need to be loved and calmed and hugged and squeezed and you need to be kissed. You need your eyelids kissed and your neck kissed and you need your sternum touched, not just your boobs grabbed and you need all that. And other days you're a lioness and you want to be pounced on and pounce and you want to roll around and you're physically activated and you're, you Know you want to try a crazy sex position. You've got energy. We run that gamut not just over a 28 day cycle, but literally within the same date. We might go from needing to be completely calmed down. And then the lioness comes out and she's like, I want to do something really dirty today. I feel dirty all of a sudden. And when your partner's like, got it, babe, let's go. Thank you. Tell me more. When they start being hungry for your feedback and they're winning, all of a sudden you're respecting them and they're winning and they're doing a better job than they ever done because they got. They're finally getting the information they need to do a good job and they're like, oh, it wasn't me. It was just. I didn't know. How could I know? I can't know. My God, she's a tiger. She's a pussycat. What the hell? I have no idea. And so when you start letting your partner know what's going on with you and they start winning and then they start telling you, babe, you know what I really like? I like if you grip it really tight right there, there. But then you do really light there and you kind of tickle my balls a little bit. And then you're like, oh, okay, I can do that. That's really easy. And then you do it and they're like, oh, that's exactly what I want. I love that so much. And so I think those are really important things to know about the communication is that it's a practice. You've got to enter into an agreement to not get a charge over it. You've got to do it together. It takes the appreciation. If you say something and your partner doesn't say, got it. Thank you. If they don't acknowledge, then you're like, oh, God, maybe I upset him. And then you start to spin out. And so it's really, really important to do the thanking. And it's kind of this weird thing where when you're in your sexual theta trance state of pleasure and you're getting a yoni massage and your partner's stroking you and they're just on the very perfect situation spot, and you're like, oh, shit, do that till I say stop. And they go, thank you. All of a sudden you're like, oh, he wants me to tell him. And why shouldn't you say please? Why shouldn't you be like, could you please stay right there? Because it takes you out of your theta state and into your Beta state. And you can't surrender to your pleasure if you're trying to be a perfect mannerly good girl. Screw that. Just shout it out, mama. Shout it out and I got you. Yeah baby. Tell me, tell me more. Given to me. Good girl. Thank you. I love this. Everything, tell me everything you want. I'm going to give it all to you. When you get that oh my God, shit's going to light up. You know, it's just so nice.

[B]

You were going to say something about something men need to know.

[A]

It's acknowledge her and don't take it personally. How can you know she doesn't even know till it's happening.

[B]

You know, sometimes when, when we share things, let's say in the erotic play date scenario or even in this kind of state you're talking about where you just sort of get to give feedback. What do you do if your partner wants to do something that you find problematic?

[A]

Yeah, say if it's during a lovemaking date and it's something you don't want to do, say, oh, I hear you requesting that and let's talk about that later. I've got some concerns about it and I just need to hear more about what it is you're going for and what the expectations are or I want to tell you kind of where my edge is on that. And so you just parking lot, come back to it. Talk it out. Fear is generated through lack of knowledge, lack of understanding. So the more that you can kind of lay out what it is, the better off you are. Another thing that I was thinking that might be really helpful is if I, if I tell you about kind of some of the ways that I have sex. It's just like a model to follow. Would that be helpful for you?

[B]

I mean, you and I are already, we made a sexual pact in, in the last few minutes, so. Sure.

[A]

I love that I have a sexual pact with you. Tell me everything. All the time, both of you. I want to hear it. That's so cute. Yeah. So a lot of times for. And the reason that I'm telling you what my sex life is like isn't because it's mine. It's because my body works the same way your body does. It's just a female human body. It's just an estrogen dominant vulva owning body. Right? It's I ain't special and I need, even though I have well worn pathways to orgasm and all that stuff, I need my 20 or 30 minutes to get out of my head and into my body and calm my body Down. And so, very often in the beginning of a lovemaking date, my partner and I lie down in our bedroom with our fireplace on. We've made the nest. One of the sexual soulmate pact, or the sexual soulmate's six essentials is set the lover space. Get your vape or your glass of wine, your pitcher of water, your lubes, your toys, your playlist, the lighting, the stack of towels, the waterproof bed cover, set it all in, get it all down so you can relax, right? You're not worried about squirting on the bed or whatever it might be. And then you lay down together and you have to let down, you have to connect. You talk for a little while, how you doing? What's going on? How you feeling? And then hold each other in the soulmate embrace for a while, get petted and stroked, get your heart synchronized, let your spit run, let your blood flow down to your genitals. Feel yourself beginning to get a little wet.

[B]

Because a lot of people are going to start like, oh, this is foreplay. We do this and then we're gonna have sex. And then you're wondering why it's not good. And part of it is there's no limbic connection, there's no emotional connection, there's no physiological connection or notion of safety, which is what that limbic system and what holding in many cases is securing, which tends to be something that women do want, need, crave more. Not always.

[A]

Men need it too, right?

[B]

This notion of creating a separate space from the workspace, the life space, that's sort of this creating this nest, that's what it's sort of doing.

[A]

Plus, he gets to hold you and feel so masculine. And that makes him feel good too. You know, that energy is so nice. And even if you're in a same sex or gender non binary pair bond, this is what we do for each other. This is what generates the oxytocin. That's the antidote to cortisol, that allows us to let everything flow. You need to get that let down. And then sometimes we'll go for a yoni massage and sometimes we'll make out and I'll stroke him while he plays with my breasts. Your mouth and your breasts and your yoni are in a locked system of arousal. And when your breasts are touched, and if you say, oh, I don't like my breasts touched, I don't like my breasts touched yet I'm going to transform the pain, the shame and the numbness to pleasure through consistent loving touch and an open mind. Because when you get all three of those systems contributing to the turn on, you get on that arousal ladder. And the steps are a lot easier to climb than when you're not using all the all available assets.

[B]

When you say that the lips and the breasts and the genitals are connected. Yeah, but, but also it works for, for, for men as well. These are erogenous zones. And what that means is there's, there's very special and important tissue that, especially for Homo sapiens, are disproportionately represented in the somatosensory cortex, which is the part of the brain that represents all of the sensation that we feel. So lips are really important because we speak right. As Homo sapiens sapiens, we also use lips to communicate. So lips are super important. Genitals are important because these are the things that help us perpetuate the species, procreate and receive pleasure. So the fact is, for a lot of people, and I'm just going to be really explicit, for some women and men also, being touched on the nipples can bring really uncomfortable and unpleasant sensations. That oxytocin stimulation is simply not working for them. So as you said, we need to figure out why that is. But ultimately that is a place that is primed for you to receive pleasure. It's also, you know, connected to how we feed our children. It's not supposed to be painful and unpleasant and shame filled. So this is a place where also you're saying this is a learned experience. This isn't like one night stand. You met someone at a bar. Let's see if this works. This is when you're in a relationship with someone with whom you want to continue building. Correct?

[A]

Yeah. Well said. I love a sciency girl. That's hot. Yes. And sometimes it's stroking and sometimes it's. It's yoni massage. And there are two tools that I like for yoni massage. So manual pleasuring, where your partner is just giving you a vulva. Massage is very, very nice. And there are two items I like. This is called the Queen. And it uses a pulse plate technology that penetrates the tissue to get that blood into all that erectile tissue I showed you earlier. This one, it has a dumb name. This is called Vibe, but it's a little bit lighter sensation, but it's extremely quiet. So for people who are highly sensitive people, this is not loud, but this is. You can't even hear it. It's for more sensitive people and for people who maybe have kids in the house and they're like, they're in the next room. We just don't want anything to make any sense. This is a very good one. But adding a tool, a vulval massage tool to the experience really gets that blood flowing in and it plumps all that tissue up. So then you've got all this plumpness. So everything that gets touched just feels a million times better because your brain's like, getting input. Getting input. Input is good. I feel good. Oh, this is the best I've ever had. So really spending time not just focused on grabbing a boob and sticking it in, but on fluffing. You want to be fluffers for each other, because when you're touching the lingam and you're stroking it pleasurably, he's calmed down, it calms him. And when he gets that, he's able to get that whole buried shaft erect so he gets a better erection set into the structure, the penile structure.

[B]

I think a lot of people wouldn't even think about that. There's a way to have a different kind of erection. Meaning, like, I don't know, seems hard. It's okay. You're saying there's even different levels to that kind of stimulation?

[A]

Yes, it calms him. It allows the blood flow completely in. It helps with a firmer, harder erection. It's very, very, very good for his penis. He needs the nurturing and the healing and the sensual touch in addition to the sexual touch. We all need those. Another thing about oxytocin, Oxytocin is that I make my own yogurt with Lactobacillus rudai. And the reuteri is the bacteria in your gut that produces oxytocin. And it's very sensitive to antibiotics. So if you've ever had any antibiotics in your lifetime, chances are you're a very low to no oxytocin producer. And so it's really good to reestablish the colonies of the Lactobacillus reuteri. You can take capsules. You can also put it, you know, cultivate yogurt and make it in your morning smoothies or in your breakfast bowl or whatever you're having. And so that's the thing to look at, is that once you start to reestablish your oxytocin, your heart muscle will actually work better. You'll feel more love, you'll feel more in love, you'll feel more loved by your partner. And all that skin to skin contact will just generate lots more oxytocin. It's almost, I have so much oxytocin in my system. Now because I do the yogurt that I get drunk on it. I literally just get like drunk with love from my oxytocin. When I go away for four days without touch, I feel a little low. I feel a little depressed from it. And I go, oh, yeah. I just need to get my friends to hug me some more while I'm on this trip because I don't have my partner with me and I'm feeling disconnected. I touch my people a lot. I need a lot of touch now because I'm kind of like, addicted to the oxytocin pleasure.

[B]

I have a practical question. When should the female orgasm happen? Meaning a lot of people, like, sometimes it's like, oh, it's the thing we do before and then you have intercourse, and other people's like, oh, if it doesn't happen, do it after. Is there an optimal time? Because it also seems like there's a lot of preparation and things that can happen. Like, I don't even know how you know when to have intercourse. I'm sure it becomes obvious to you in your life. It's not my business.

[A]

You're ready. Your yoni wants it. Your yoni's like, get in. Yeah.

[B]

No, but. So is that an orgasm before? Does it depend. Is it orgasm after? In terms of maximizing a woman's pleasure, is there a formula for when her orgasm should happen relative to her partner's?

[A]

Yes. Sometimes I will have an orgasm, a full body energy orgasm before my partner hits the bed. And that's just because I've primed my pump and I'm very, very good at coming because I've practiced it. I've practiced and have all but one of the kinds of orgasms that the body can have. And that's just because it's a little gross to me. It's a yucker for me, and I don't want it. And that is a urethral orgasm where you put a sounding device up into your urethral tube and that can stimulate orgasm. And I'm just not into that. I don't want to mess with that. I already have incontinence issues I'm constantly working on.

[B]

We all have our limits, Susan. We all have our limits.

[A]

We all have our limits. Exactly. But having orgasms, once you start priming the pump and you start having them and you start cross training and having different kinds, they're very easy to have, and they start off kind of small. And for me, now that I also have throatgasms and kissing gasms and lipgasms and Things like that. Often I'll find that my orgasmic response starts in the top half of my body rather than the bottom. I start getting some contractions around my yoni as well. And then I, over time I can have orgasms from the lightest of touch, just nipple stimulation, just kissing yoni, pleasuring, any of those kinds of things. So it's just, you know, just put in a little time and you can activate all these things yourself. You have the ability to have, everyone has, they're all in there, they just want you to come out. They just want, you know, it's just, you just need to get the right inputs and the right, remove the limiting beliefs and all those things. So in any particular lovemaking session, when we, when I first started having multiple orgasms, I would tell my partner when I was having one, I'd go one, then I'd go two, three, four, just so he knew. And then I stopped the numbering because they were getting 10, 20. And then I just started going, that was one, that was one, that was 1, that was 1, that was one, you know, over and over. And they got bigger and they expanded and they covered more my body and they were easier to have and I could get them from different ways and I just, you know, kind of grew all that out. And so I think the idea is that the best time to have an orgasm is all the time. Just come the whole time, come the whole time. And then your male body partner is going to be like, oh, maybe I should start separating my orgasm for my ejaculation and working on having full body male multiple orgasms. Then he starts coming lots and lots and lots without ejaculating. And then you guys are just coming like crazy and, and your neighbors are calling the cops.

[B]

I think we need a little, a little framework here just so we can understand. So you're not. When people think of like the classic lady orgasm that like, you see, you know, when you think of like there's the increase and there's like a scream and like, ah, you know, like if anyone's seen the Vagina Monologues, there's different kinds of orgasms, but you're not talking about 20 of those. They're, they're different in variety, correct?

[A]

Oh, I can have 20, you can stroke my clitoris and I'll have 20 orgasms in a row. And they are all, and I'm turned on and I'm moaning and I'm coming and it's, you know, over and over and over.

[B]

Is there no refractory period for Women.

[A]

No, you don't need that. If you don't drive your clitoris too hard, if you don't overstimulate it, the lighter you go, the better you come. Over time, you don't need a ton of stimulation because you've activated the neural pathways. So even a whisky of a touch. The expanded orgasm practice is actually a very, very, very light clitoral stroking. Often when we're teaching the doer, the giver of this stroke to do the stroke, we say, you know how when you get an eyelash on your eyeball and you touch it super lightly with the pad of your finger and then you could get that eyelash out of your eye? People can really relate to that level of light touch. That's what we're talking about with an expanded orgasm. Clitoral stroke on the clitoral shaft and the clitoral head, where it's so light that you can kind of get into that orgasm and stretch that moment of orgasm. So it's not that masters and Johnson, you know, go up, up, up, and then fall off.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

You're going up and then you're riding it and staying in it. You learn how to stay in sensation. You learn how to be there mentally. You don't check out, you stay in it physically, you learn to stay in it. And then you're riding that moment of climax and stretching that out like time is taffy. And you're going into this orgasmic time warp where you just are like, oh, you know, you do that and, and that's just learned. You just, you just learn how to do it. Your body can do it, it's easy. And so you can do a whole bunch of those. And they can keep getting bigger and better and better and better. I jokingly call that the quantum gasm, because they're. They're not only getting more intense, but they're lasting longer. They're bigger and bigger and bigger. They're like, just radiating out, radiating out like crazy. That's just one clitoral stroking technique. That's just one kind of orgasm. It's a technique style of orgasm. There's one. And you can do them over and.

[B]

Over and over and over.

[A]

You can come the whole time. And you can come from intercourse and you can come from oral and you can come from playing with your breasts, you can come from kissing, you can come from giving oral, you can come from body, you can come from core gas, you can come from your feet getting massaged. I mean, there's this, like, we are massively orgasmic beings.

[B]

Before we lose you, I wonder if you can talk a little bit about, you know, for a lot of the conversation for women is about perimenopause. It's about being menopausal. It's, you know, all these conversations about the. The natural changes in the body that come from a depletion of hormones and an increase in other hormones. Can you talk a little bit about vaginal atrophy and talk about sort of your perspective that might be helpful for people who are experiencing, you know, all the things that you experience when you don't have estrogen or progesterone or testosterone flowing through your body?

[A]

Yeah. Well, number one, I love hormone replacement therapy for all homo sapiens sapiens. It's neuroprotective, heart protective, helps you build muscle, helps with cognitive function. It's great for your skin, for your hair. It's great for your confidence, it's great for your sex drive. It's great for everything. So I'm personally, I've been doing hormone replacement for the last two decades, successfully, happily, and et cetera. So I think that certainly that's part of the stack is considering hormone replacement. The second part is adding to your nitric oxide stores. So now we're in the sexual regenerative world here. You need to up your leafy green vegetables and your beetroot, but you also need to up your nitric oxide supplementation. Citrulline is the best. And then the atrophy that you experience, the penile and vaginal or vulvovaginal atrophy that we experience is, you know how your grandma and grandpa are little and they shrunk. Grandma and grandpa's genitals shrunk too. And that's what's happening to us. And so as they shrink, they don't work as well. The vascular system retracts, the nerves retract, you lose sensation, you lose erectile function. You can't get the blood flow in, and that means the pleasure goes down. So you have to work against that. And the way that you do that is through a couple of different things that different modalities that you can use for both. To me, okay, if I want to fix my problems, I'm all like, let's call the guy or the woman. Let's call the person and, like, get the best thing and get this done with. I don't want to fuck around with it. You just want to get it taken care of. And so. So the very best thing you can do is get gains wave treatments. Gains wave is A branded treatment that uses a device called an acoustic wave machine. I prefer it and recommend it over RF and lasering because that's only intravaginal. It doesn't do anything to help your clitoral atrophy. And why would you not be fixing your pleasure center? So acoustic wave penetrates into the tissue. And now with the newest device that's out, the Omniwave, it's adjustable so you can do different depths of penetration for different areas of the genital structures. If you go in, take your partner, you both need it, and you do it once every few years. You get six or seven treatments in a row. And. And it regenerates the tissue. It does cellular biogenesis, it generates more tissue. So you replace the atrophy. It plumps everything up. The blood vessels grow out to the capillaries, to the edges, and then the nerves follow along, you get sensation back. And for women, you're fixing incontinence, vaginal atrophy, loss of lubrication and loss of sensation and labial laxity and clitoral, like vanishing clit, it reverses what women are these days calling vanishing clit. And so everything just gets plump and comes back. And it's young and robust. For me, at 63, not only am I having the best sex of my life, but I'm also the juiciest and most orgasmic I've ever been, by far. I mean, it's nothing. I'm so far beyond where I was in my 20s and 30s with grip, tone, juice, orgasm, everything from doing this kind of stuff. And for men, it regains their firmness, their blood flow, all of that. It helps stimulate all that tissue, perineal prostate, et cetera, because they've got to worry about their prostates. And all of that is just wonderful. You can also use vacuum erection devices. They're particularly good for men, penis pumps. But you have to use the right kind with the right protocol. And so that's very important. I have written a book on that that's free. It'[e-mail] you can not only reverse the atrophy, but go on to increase the overall penile volume so you can improve the size of your penis. You can lengthen and thicken your penis, which is really nice, natural, and you can maintain those gains over time. It's not like you have to do it constantly. You can get to a point where you're happy and you feel nice and thick and fat and juicy and veiny, and then you can maintain that, which is nice. And then for women, I also Like a little device. This is a vagina device that I like for at home use. This is kind of a DIY device that uses red light therapy. And red light is called photobiomodulation. Red light. This stimulates the vaginal mucosal mitochondrial function, the batteries in the cells of your vagina, basically where it stimulates new tissue growth. It'll thicken that tissue up a bit and help hold more lubrication in. Especially if you combine it with estrogen, vaginal estrogen, which helps thicken that tissue back up again. So it's not thin, so it holds more of that blood flow that's coming down into your pelvic bowl. Because the vagina is not a gland. It doesn't make its own lubrication. It comes, it seeps in through the blood flow from arousal. So when you rush sex, you, you're dry, you know, so you have to wait until she's like ready now. So those are some of the sexual regenerative things that can be done. And then stem cells, exosomes, prp, so O shots, P shots. I have actually harvested my own stem cells. I keep them cryogenically frozen at American Cell Tech and I've had them injected into my genital structures so that I'm rebuilding tissue from my own biology. Now that's where all this is going.

[B]

It's amazing. Sex tech is the next front. Can you let people know where to find all of the information that you have? I love the notion that, and may kind of, you know, close with sharing some of this. These are, these are things that people can learn. You know, having access to your, your sexuality, knowledge about your body. This is not something that's only for, you know, obgyns to know. And even they probably don't know a lot of this, but you absolutely know all of this. Where, where can people find this information? And if you can just sort of remind people why it's important to, to pursue this.

[A]

Yeah, well, it's important to pursue it because it keeps you healthier, happier, and you live longer and it calms you, it grounds you and it makes you feel human. And it's pleasure and you need more pleasure and less stress in your life. And it's one of the gifts of our humanity and it's yours to have. And there's nothing wrong with you and you're not broken. And if there are little parts of you that are broken, you can fix them with sexual regenerative therapies, which is great. This can all be reversed. So it's absolutely wonderful. There's always a workaround to compromise to get back and go beyond anything that you ever dreamed is possible for your pleasure and connection. And you can find [e-mail] I have a newsletter there that I send out twice a week with all kinds of stuff like we've talked about today. And if you get that newsletter from me and you have a question about anything, you are welcome. And I get a lot of email from people. It goes right to my inbox, not to my care team. And I will answer you. And most likely I've heard this question hundred thousand times before and I have a video on it or a free ebook or an article I've written. And I can just solve your problem pretty much instantaneously because we are Homo sapien sapien, we have an operating system. Once you know how to work it, it works beautifully. And so that's what I want for you. And thank you so much, both of you, for having me. Excellent questions, excellent interview. A great job today. Thank you so much for getting a lot of good info out of me. You did a great job, both of you.

[B]

I think a lot would have to change in my life for me to want to constantly be having orgasms for an entire sexual encounter.

[C]

What would have to change?

[B]

It's. I'd have to have, like, nothing else to do. Go to participate in. This is a. It's an expenditure of energy. Like, I understand that, you know, you can be at a point in life where, like, this is the activity and we're gonna do this. But like, also, just practically speaking, it's an expenditure of energy, which I get it. Like, oh, it's so fun and it's so great. But like, I also, like, I need.

[A]

To feed the cat.

[B]

I need to, like, deal with, like, getting lunch ready for tomorrow and make sure I have my protein shake before bed.

[C]

What if it's actually gives you more energy?

[B]

It doesn't.

[A]

That's not how it works.

[C]

Well, if it reduces stress, you feel more alive, your oxytocin is higher. All those things would carry over and actually be energizing. But this goes. This goes to my point when I asked her about scheduling and I felt like that was taken a little bit not how I intended it. Because the idea is, like, in order to have this connection, to lie down, to have your systems regulate, to stroke, to touch, to hold, to get out of the mindset of the day and into a connection where you're outside of the busyness of the world and now focused on this, it does require a Transition time. You know, the. My. My friend who was married that I was telling you about, they go on a date. They try and book off part of their morning at least once a week where they're having this type of connection, and they're working towards having a date, having a practice where they're sharing what's going on for them. And then they know that having sexual or physical connection could be a play date, whatever you want to call it, is part of that. And so what I hear from her is actually increase the time. So that's where goes to your point where, yeah, people are busy. They are feeding the cat and getting lunch ready. So if this is a concentrated practice, it does require people to rethink how they're fitting it into the rest of their lives.

[B]

Yeah. And also, I mean, I. I have, you know, respect for the business that, you know, that she has built. And also, like, there's parts of these conversations, I think, that are, like, flashy and they're fun, but I think that she also talked a lot about more of the practical stuff about, you know, feeling safe. She has this formula that safety plus novelty equals desire. And that it's absolutely true that having the same kind of sex with the same person over and over, as you get older and it's gonna get old, you're not gonna feel that kind of desire. And so I think what I appreciate about her approach is it's not just about, like, get these toys. Like, it's about, learn your body. You have to learn your body. Your partner has to learn your body and their body. Right. It's a relationship that you can't simply rely on those early sparks where you, you know, kind of feel so excited and you feel that desire all the time. And you do have to put work into maintaining that. And the payoffs are many. Not just for longevity, which I think is fascinating, but the payoffs are that you will see yourself more as a desirable, desired person who is worthy of attention and time. And I think that, you know, that will. Will boil over. It's not just about sex. It's about, do you feel appreciated? Do you feel like someone cares about you? And I thought of that, too, when she's talking about this. Not every person is in a relationship where their partner wants to take the time to do this. You know, at what point then do you say, this is not a match. I need something you can't give me? It's likely part of a larger. You know, it's likely a symptom of a larger problem. But the Fact is, I know a lot of people, men and women, who would be like, I'm really not interested in connecting at that level. Like, I feel aroused, I get horny, and then I'd like to have an orgasm. You know, for some people it's not a priority. But I also know a lot of people for whom mindfulness is not a priority. They don't want to feel what they're feeling in their body. They don't want to think about it. They want to, like, smoke a joint, have two glasses of wine and go to bed. Which I get.

[C]

Yes, I totally agree. I also think there are a lot of people, probably our audience, who are curious and believe that there is more to this experience of life than they may have achieved or come across yet. And what I like about these conversations is that they expand the realm of what's possible. When we start to think about, we've been doing sex in a certain way, we may have explored, we have navigated the best to the best of our ability, but what if our bodies are now actually capable? We learn that our bodies are capable of something that we didn't realize they were before. And even just the idea of that begins to change how we approach connecting with someone else. If we can start to realize we need to slow down. If we can start to realize, wait a second, I can have orgasmic experiences that are not related to an end climax for men, ejaculation, all of a sudden, what else is possible? And I love that idea of exploring the realm of what's possible.

[B]

And I think that's. That's a point that I think works for a lot of people maybe to understand emotionally. Right. The notion is not, can I have 19 of the 20 kinds of orgasms that exist? That may not be for you. To have an orgasm from someone touching your feet, that may not be for you. But I think what we're trying to communicate with this episode is what if what you think is possible for your body is actually not what's possible for your body?

[C]

It's not limited by that.

[B]

What if there's a space where you feel so safe, so calm, so aware of what's going on, that you are able to tap into things that you didn't think you could tap into before? That's what I think, you know, this can provide. And it's not so much about setting a goal of I need to have orgasms like the ladies in porn, or I need to have orgasms like Susan Bratton, but to be able to say, you know, I thought my Body could only do one thing. What if it can do a lot more?

[C]

This is actually connected to some of our episodes on consciousness and having extra sensory ability because it changes the paradigm of what we thought. The limit of reality was to think that there's only one type of sex or only a few different types of ways to have sex. And then to realize, what if someone could feel orgasmic? And I like that. I. I like that phrasing the word orgasmic versus orgasm or climax, where we're thinking about it and she, you know, the way she was describing it, it's like. It's like an ex holding an energy rising up and then staying in that state. It's kind of like a meditative state, where you go into a meditative state and all of a sudden time and space start to merge and become less linear. It seems related. And that's what the tantric practices start to teach.

[B]

I'm gonna make a strange analogy that I've heard people talk about. I've heard people talk about, like, when I think it's ayahuasca. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

[A]

You.

[B]

You throw up after ayahuasca. Is that one of those drugs that.

[C]

Yeah, some people do mushrooms too.

[B]

Okay. Some people will also throw up for mushrooms. So there's this, like, purging that your body will sometimes do in certain psychedelic experiences. And what I've heard people describe is like, you don't think of it in that state the way you think of it when you're not in that state. Meaning, like, throwing up. Yeah. It's not a pleasant thing, but when you're in that place and it's part of whatever, you're also in an altered state where throwing up, it doesn't mean the same thing. And you can't picture that now unless you are in that state, which I'm assuming you're not if you're watching or listening to this. So if I tell you that there is a time and a place where, where you could have an experience such as throwing up, that would not feel scary, gross, you'd find that hard to believe. In the same way, if you have body image issues, if you feel like you could never be comfortable being naked in front of someone you could never be comfortable sharing, it's because you haven't been put in that state to feel safe enough to feel what she's describing. So that's kind of what we're looking. I know it's a strange analogy with the throwing up, but what I'm saying is, you can't picture it when you're not in it. So that's what she's also talking about. When it comes to feeling safe, to feeling loved, if you're not in that state and you haven't had experiences of that, you can't picture it. Susan's notion is once you experience that, you then want to keep tapping into it because it's, you know, you deserve to feel good, you deserve to feel loved, and you deserve to feel safe.

[C]

I was thinking about how helpful it would have been in my early life as a sexual being to learn how to communicate with my partner.

[B]

I mean, I know a couple people who were raised in very, I'd say, kind of healthy homes where sexual communication was taught in healthy and age appropriate ways. Um, I don't know a lot. Most people I know, like, you just, like, don't say anything and hope it goes okay. And if it doesn't go okay, pretend that it did and do it again. The next time they ask you out.

[C]

Maybe magically, they'll just intuit how to change. And if not, we'll just live like that and then we'll die.

[B]

It feels a little bit like we're taught to check things off a list sexually. You know, like, have your breasts touched, touch a penis, like, you know, make out, have sex, you know, and then I don't know.

[C]

Well, there's more information than ever before. But the notion of that constant communication, that feedback where one partner is leading the other, and that getting into that dialogue changes everything.

[B]

But I don't know how. I mean, that's the part I think that, you know, reminds me of, like the Gottman episode, you know, when we had John and Julie Gottman on. Like, you have to be in a place where you can even say to your partner, I listened to Mayim Bialik's breakdown and they had this lady on, and I think we should go to her website. Like, you've gotta be in a place where you can just say that.

[C]

Well, if you're listening to this episode and your partner or your potential partner or person that you're about to go on a date with hasn't listened to this episode, that's a great date, great icebreaker. Let's get on the same page. Because people are. They're on different pages. You touch someone, you don't know exactly what they're experiencing, they could maybe like it. They. Maybe they're just being nice.

[B]

Well, I think a lot of people also feel like if you touch, talk something to death, it takes away a lot of the allure. And I'm gonna go ahead and say I think that's absolutely true. But what she's talking about is sort of a. A different kind of structuring where it's not just like, let's talk sex to death. It's about, let's have a. A kind of communication that makes this more what we each deserve to have, which is a better understanding of our bodies and how they interact.

[C]

The other thing that she said, that really stuck out for me.

[B]

Hold on. I have to have an orgasm. Give me a second. Okay, back to the podcast. Wait, another one's coming.

[A]

Hold on.

[B]

Okay, done.

[C]

You feel so safe in this conversation.

[B]

You said the word safe.

[A]

I had a safegasm.

[C]

Someone might touch your shoulder.

[B]

You said shoulder.

[C]

I forget the episode, but I. You were wearing an A low cut shoulder.

[B]

Oh, that's right.

[C]

A shoulder revealing outfit. I made a big deal out of it. I forget what episode that is. Valerie probably knows.

[B]

Valerie's busy having an orgasm. She can't come to the podcast right now. Also, Valerie was the color of a beat for most of the first half of the episode.

[C]

Now you're a color of a beat.

[B]

At first I thought she was blushing, but every time I looked over, she just maintained a kind of rosy hue.

[C]

It's a good thing she has final edit of this episode. She can choose if she. If that's kept in or not. But something Susan said, she said, your yoni is talking to you all the time. If you learn to listen. We had a. A segment called what mime hears.

[B]

What does my yoni hear?

[C]

What does mimes yoni say?

[B]

Well, you know, I know that.

[C]

Does it talk in a Yiddish accent?

[B]

Stop it. I know that this is something that you're clearly laughing about, but I really. Actually, this was one of the things I found the most moving from what Susan was saying is that just like our body talks to us all the time, right? And we even learn, you know, if you're sensitive, you can learn when you breathe in through your nose, you can feel the air on the back of your throat. It's what we're taught in meditation, right? When we're taught mindfulness, you're taught to isolate different parts of your body.

[A]

And.

[B]

And I'm not saying that we should do that all the time with our genitalia, but the notion that we are placed on this planet with the ability to feel these sensations in the context of a safe, loving relationship, why would we not learn how to listen to that part of us? It's a lot of tissue, it's a lot of sensation, it's a lot of nerves. There is information there and a lot of that information may be what we do don't like, which is as important, if not more important than what we do like.

[C]

I mean, I was joking, but I do think this speaks to one of the core themes that we talk about. There's more information available to us. We can change our understanding of our physical experience, of our emotional experience by tapping into additional senses. And of course, that's a massive energy center. There's a in the chakra system that is one of the base foundations for our energetic being. And it's where our creativity comes from, our drive comes from our life force. Absolutely. There's an enormous amount of information to be gained. I still think that if you could personify and why wouldn't it have a Yiddish accent?

[B]

From our breakdown to the one we hope you never have. We'll see you next time.

[C]

It's Maya Bialik's breakdown. She's going to break it down for you. She's got a neuroscience PhD or two fiction now. She's going to break down.

[A]

To break down.

[C]

She's going to break it down.