My Fathers Basement | NDS Chronicles

Summary

Nephilim Death Squad Biblical Conspiracy: "My Fathers Basement | NDS Chronicles"

Date: January 2, 2026
Hosts: TopLobsta, Raven

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Episode Overview

In this episode of NDS Chronicles, hosts TopLobsta and Raven descend into the world of biblical conspiracies, supernatural testimonies, and wild listener stories—all peppered with their characteristic irreverence. With special attention given to a sprawling listener account about haunted houses, spiritual encounters, and corporate debauchery, the conversation weaves between lighthearted mockery and genuine analysis of the paranormal, all through a biblical lens.

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Major Discussion Points & Key Segments

1. Show Banter, Mockery, and Community Housekeeping (00:15 – 16:20)

• The hosts introduce the episode, humorously clarifying their relationship with fans’ submissions: “the show where we read your supernatural testimony and we mock you...maybe sometimes offer some advice or guidance...” (00:20, Raven)

• Various ways to engage: submitting stories, Patreon, and event teaser for Bohemian Grove.

• Internal ribbing and a bit of NDS “show drama” over friend/enemy/rival Timothy Albarino—including playful deep-dive into his lexical habits (“He uses ‘perhaps’ a lot, search it!” – 05:22, Raven).

• Recap of gear upgrades and fundraising success: a food pantry fund surpasses $3,000 (12:37)

  “I think people donated money because they were like, I want to see if these assholes can even orcas—like, organize and do this.”
  (13:21, Raven)

2. Personalities and Biblical Conspiracy Scene Shoutouts (03:35 – 16:25)

• Friendly rivalry and meme-ification of community figures (Timothy Albarino, David Wilcox).
• Discussion about spiritual concepts like “Christ consciousness.”
• Light critique and inside jokes about recurring guests and show friends.
• Commentary on “adversary or friend” dynamics (07:21).

3. Listener Submission: The Chronicles of Holly’s Haunted House (17:03 – 82:22)

The main feature is an in-depth, rambling supernatural testimony from a listener named Holly, broken into two detailed readings—interspersed with banter, analysis, and continual comedic interrupts.

a) Holly’s Testimony, Part 1: Salvation and Supernatural Experience (17:03 – 27:59)

• Holly describes a religious awakening at a youth retreat and subsequent efforts to keep her spiritual "fire" alive.
• Struggles with isolation after peers drop out of her prayer group.
• The hosts alternate between joking about the emotive writing and parsing the sincerity of teen faith journeys.
• Notable quote:

  “I broke down in tears, and I prayed and said, ‘God, if you’re real, you need to prove it to me.’”
  (21:10, Holly's email, read aloud)

b) The Labyrinthine Mansion: Wealth and Weirdness (28:26 – 39:37)

• Holly meticulously details her childhood home’s elaborate, maze-like layout—multiple staircases, secret rooms, a butler’s pantry.
• The hosts alternately express disbelief, boredom, and jealousy at the house's extravagance:

  “This is like… my father’s mansion has many rooms.”
  (36:55, Raven)

c) The Basement Ghost Encounter (45:34 – 53:43)

• Holly and her friend Victoria experience overwhelming dread in the basement, witness apparitions or “feet,” and flee, feeling pursued by evil.
• The hosts irreverently break the tension:

  “Just feet? Disembodied feet? That’s crazy.”
  (50:29, TopLobsta)

d) Supernatural Aftermath and Parental Response (53:43 – 62:44)

• Paranormal activity spills into malfunctioning electronics—random noises and computer glitches.
• Discussion about mothers being closer to “the veil,” and how women relate spiritually.

e) Mockery of Detailed Descriptions and Audience Gender Demographics (38:40, 54:38, 59:07)

• The hosts frequently break to roast Holly’s exhaustive home descriptions, surmising that 40% of the show’s audience is female because of such content.
• Extended digression into gender roles, biblical injunctions about women speaking, and addressing messages from “bimbo astrology” (see Notable Moments).

4. Community Q&A and Rambling Segments (87:00 – End)

• The hosts openly debate the value of co-host Matt, their shop arrangements, and keep soliciting the audience’s favorite among cast members.
• Extended mock negotiation with Matt for his “cut.”
• More playful engagement with the chat, audience poll on show favorites, and the conflation of biblical, spiritual, and personal drama elements.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

1. On AI and Modern Conspiracies (03:53)

“It doesn’t matter. Because AI is so sophisticated now that it’s like, oh, you’re gonna show me footage? You’re gonna show me pictures. Don’t care.”
—Raven

2. On Listener Demographics (53:00)

“Yeah, 40.9 is girls. 59.1 is men. 0% is other. Hell yeah. Based. Fuck out of here, trannies.”
—TopLobsta

3. Holly’s Haunting (50:04)

“I saw the silhouette of a man... Not a face, but an almost translucent head shape and very clearly, a white t-shirt and jeans. And the presence felt evil.”
—Holly (email, read aloud)

4. Mockery at Length (38:53)

“Imagine if she would have came to the shop and sat there and told us. Oh, I would have shot her. I think I would have opened fired on her, emptied out the clip.”
—Raven, as the layout descriptions go on and on

5. Bimbo Astrology Message (57:38, 59:04)

“I don’t understand if your podcast is woman friendly. On one hand, you are teaching important things and women seek knowledge. On the other hand, sometimes it makes me cry.”
—Bimbo Astrology, relayed by Raven

6. On Power Struggles Over Show Ownership (91:10 – 93:45)

“You were trying to get a stiff 10%, we’re gonna kick you out of here... What do you want? Here’s a good question. We’re taking a survey.”
—Raven, inviting Matt on air for his cut

7. Cocaine Midgets and Corporate Revelations (100:49)

“Arnold got fired... at these parties, he hired midgets as servers and had trays strapped to their heads. Trays that they use for cocaine…”
—Holly (as read by Raven), ending the drawn-out saga

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Key Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment/Topic | |-----------|--------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:15 | Show intro, “mockery” premise, Patreon callouts | | 03:35 | Psyop season, recent episode banter, thoughts on Epstein | | 05:00 | Timothy Albarino banter, word-usage games | | 12:37 | Fundraiser results update / $3125 raised for the food pantry | | 17:03 | Begin Holly’s Chronicles: Ghosts, faith, and the basement | | 20:00-23:00 | Youth retreat spiritual experience, journaling | | 28:26 | Holly’s labyrinthine home detailed for 10+ minutes | | 45:34 | The ghost encounter in the basement/feet apparition | | 53:00 | Banter: audience is 40.9% women, gender role monologue | | 57:38 | Bimbo Astrology’s feedback on the show | | 82:22 | Reading transitions to 'Part Two'—cocaine midgets in Vegas | | 91:03 | Negotiating Matt's "cut" live and chat poll about show favorites | | 100:49 | The end of Holly's saga: cocaine midgets, corporate misadventures |

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Style & Tone

This episode is emblematic of Nephilim Death Squad’s irreverent, sometimes caustic approach: fast-paced, cutting, and self-aware, addressing both biblical supernaturalism and podcast community with equal parts insight and comedic derailment. Moments of real curiosity about spiritual experience are interwoven with relentless roasting, making the content both engaging and unpredictable—especially for listeners looking for unconventional takes on the paranormal and faith.

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For New Listeners

This episode gives a strong taste of NDS’s unique blend of biblical conspiracy, raw honesty, and community interactivity. Even without prior exposure, the playful sparring, listener engagement, and mix of skepticism and belief make for an engaging, if wild, ride through the modern “supernatural testimony” scene. The “Holly saga” alone is worth it for the outlandish story and the hosts’ mounting exasperation.

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Skip the first 16 minutes if you want to get straight to the submitted supernatural stories and their associated tangents!

Transcript

[A]

Top Lobster Productions. In the shadows of the ancient ones. They never went away.

[B]

They're still here today. When the last trumpet sounds and the heavens crack. Death Squad. Death squad. Death Squad. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to another episode of NDS Chronicles, the show where we read your supernatural testimony and we mock you and maybe sometimes offer some advice or guidance or.

[A]

Nah, none of that mockery.

[B]

Only I am David Lee Corboy, aka the Rim, that is Top Lobster.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

Aka Mr. Nasty.

[A]

Why you gotta be like that?

[B]

Why you gotta be Mr. Nasty?

[A]

We're starting early.

[B]

Well, I mean, you started early. You came in the shop and then you got Mr. Nasteed up, the father of disinformation. We can't.

[A]

We just can't do that.

[B]

No, I think we're changing things now. And now you're Mr. Nasty, and that's. That's how it is. So if you want to submit your paranormal testimony for, like, mock and. And offer guidance in the. In your troubling times, your times of trouble, that email address is going to be Chronicles. Nds. No. Chronicles @ Neph.

[A]

No. Yeah, all.

[B]

Those. Which one is.

[A]

It? You got to do that one.

[B]

Too. Chronicles at Nephilim Death Squad. Calm. Is that.

[A]

Real? That's.

[B]

Real. Chronicles. Nephilim Death Squad.com. you can submit it there and. And we'll read it and maybe. Maybe we'll read it, maybe we won't. It's been a while since we did one of these. It took us a long time to get around to it. Anyway, if you're looking for a way to support us, Patreon.com forward slash. Nephilim death Squad is a great way to do it. You'll gain early access to episodes ad, free listening experiences, early access to tickets to Bohemian Grove. March 7th, 6th and 7th. We don't have a venue yet, but I think that's gonna actually easier than we suspect. I think we just gotta go to one of these dystopian rec centers that are around here and set that.

[A]

Up. Literally. I think we just have to ask. Nobody's asked.

[B]

Yet. Yeah, nobody's asked. Can we do this here? Are we allowed to. Would you mind if we. And they'd go, actually, yeah. Nobody ever uses these for anything, so we'd be happy to take your.

[A]

Money. They use these for the.

[B]

Orgies. And then as long as it doesn't fall on an orgy day, we should be able to use it. Also, discount codes off merchandise from top lobster.com. i have top Lobster merch. I have my Psyops season shirt. On. Because we are in the throes of psyop.

[A]

Season. Oh, yeah. I have top lobster merch. No, this isn't top. It is, in a way. Wait a.

[B]

Second. We sell those on top lobster.com.

[A]

Right? We do. How do I. How do I do this? I don't know. There we.

[B]

Go. There it.

[A]

Is. Look at.

[B]

That.

[A]

Yeah. Mason, shut.

[B]

Up. Yeah, Mason, shush. She's so loud. She's like a.

[A]

Bird. She's.

[B]

Like. You know those tall birds that walk around.

[A]

Florida? Yeah, that's kind of what it is. She's like. He's knocking stuff.

[B]

Over. He just went over and, like, employed one of them. Like, you look like you need a job. She was like, squats. Yeah. So? So I don't know what the hell I was saying. Oh, it's psyops season. I think we should mention that a little bit because we just. I got finished doing a show on the Raven, and it was a little bit about the Epstein.

[A]

Situation.

[B]

Yeah. And I'm curious your thoughts on it before we start reading these submissions. Because my thoughts.

[A]

Were. Read.

[B]

It. That doesn't.

[A]

Matter. I don't.

[B]

Know. My thoughts specifically on this is what I want your opinion on it. Almost doesn't.

[A]

Matter. Why don't you tell me what to think first, and then we'll.

[B]

Go. Okay, well, I'm going to say a thing, and then you tell me what you feel about.

[A]

It. Tell me what I should.

[B]

Think. You should. You should agree with this. It doesn't matter. Because AI is so sophisticated now that it's like, oh, you're gonna show me footage? You're gonna show me pictures. Don't.

[A]

Care. Show me feet pics. Don't show me.

[B]

Footage. I would like to see Epstein's feet. Oh, yeah, I gotta. I know a.

[A]

Guy. I heard that they were, like, yellow like the Simpsons. That's why the Simpsons. Heard about.

[B]

That. Now you feel like you could be lying to me right now, but go.

[A]

On. Yeah. Look how excited David.

[B]

Is. What is he. What are we talking.

[A]

About? They said that, like, Matt Groening designed the Simpsons after Epstein's feet. Epstein's yellow.

[B]

Feet. The way that you've said it, it feels like you're telling me the truth. But you are the father of disinformation. You've got a real way about.

[A]

You. I thought I was Mr.

[B]

Nasty. Well, you are also Mr. What Happened. You've got layers to you. You're like an onion. Make people.

[A]

Cry. The more you peel, the more you.

[B]

Cry. Your eyes water. No, I've never Heard that. I don't know if that's true. Talking.

[A]

About. Are we going to talk about a little bit of our drama? We're just going to read.

[B]

These. What's our.

[A]

Drama? I guess it's not really drama.

[B]

Right? I don't know. I don't.

[A]

Remember. It's just like things we.

[B]

Did. Who have we.

[A]

Upset? We keep upsetting Timothy.

[B]

Alvarino. Well, I don't know if he's upset or not. He did accuse us of hostility because I said, why are you being so hostile? Perhaps, perhaps. He uses perhaps a lot. If you go through. I challenge you. If you're a listener of this show, go to Timothy Albarino's tweeter page and then do a keyword search on.

[A]

Perhaps. Oh, that's actually a.

[B]

Good. Do it right now, dude. I bet you it's like constant. Just perhaps.

[A]

Perhaps. Let's.

[B]

See. So yeah, I mean, I also talked about this a little bit. C dub. C dub says, guys, forgive Alvarino. We don't. We don't. We don't not forgive Albarino. Perhaps P E R haps H A P S. Perhaps. Perhaps I shall secure some NBC. Perhaps. Perhaps not. I like a mayhap. So it's like a. In between maybe and.

[A]

Perhaps. There's a.

[B]

Lot. Yeah, because he says it constantly. I see you scrolling. It is quite a bit of.

[A]

Perhaps. Yeah, we're on to you.

[B]

Dude. So, yeah, I mean, you know, we watched the documentary. It seems that he's no longer of the opinion that the Antichrist is going to emerge from.

[A]

Alien. Oh, he's off that. Are we.

[B]

Sure? I mean, just based off of his. His.

[A]

Glazing. We have to be very careful because he's becoming our best friend. David Wilcox. Yep. Best.

[B]

Friend. Yeah. I mean he is kind of becoming a David Wilcox to us in the same way that Wilcox is Albert Reno for the Hidden in Plain Sight. Guys. I mean, I don't know, man, who's is better? Who's is.

[A]

Better. Yeah, I think Wilcox.

[B]

Is. Now Wilcox is a never ending supply of. I was listening to a brief clip from.

[A]

Him. Yeah. When he made a 501C3 for.

[B]

Himself. Wilcox did.

[A]

That? Yeah, he made himself a.

[B]

501C3. It's great. He's a church. Well, he was talking about Christ consciousness when I saw.

[A]

Him. Well, it makes sense.

[B]

Then. Yeah. And. And he was saying that the universe is organizing to save us and it loves us. And it should be reassuring that there is this Christ consciousness that is at work in the universe. And I'm like, yeah, this guy's fucking lost in the sauce.

[A]

Baby. He's close.

[B]

Well. And I wonder. I wonder if this all goes to a place where Albarino is like, yeah, Christ.

[A]

Consciousness. I wonder if. If. If we can push Albarino lose his.

[B]

Mind. I don't know. You know what I will say he's.

[A]

Much. He's a much more firm adversary or.

[B]

Friend. He's a.

[A]

Friend. He's a.

[B]

Friend. Well, you can have like a. What would you call it? Like a.

[A]

Rival. Well, we went to high school together in Peru, so it's not really like we hate.

[B]

Him. And I don't think he would put all that behind him. Like, it didn't happen. The adventures and the friendship and the bonding.

[A]

Experience. Disingenuous.

[B]

Perhaps. Yeah. I just don't think he's that kind of guy. He's a sentimental guy, and I don't think that the past means nothing to.

[A]

Him. It's actually a good thought. Do you think he has our moon.

[B]

Map? Honestly, I think Timothy Albarino doesn't think we're the type of guys that would have access to a moon.

[A]

Map. I don't think he fucks with the.

[B]

Moon. I don't think folks are the moon either. So. So, yeah, I don't know. I don't know where it is, where we are with Albarino. I'd say I'm more confused than when I started.

[A]

This. Yes. I go back and forth. I fluctuate wildly. Perhaps.

[B]

On. If I don't say perhaps over and over again, like, we don't know what you're doing.

[A]

Dude. Nigga can't use a word.

[B]

Now. No, I mean, you can. Nick can use a word, but I'm just saying, you know, I know what you're.

[A]

Doing. It's a good.

[B]

Word. You're.

[A]

Mocking. He actually made a great point, and I feel I'm obsessed with the guy.

[B]

Now. I'm. Well, he's very handsome. Is that what you.

[A]

Mean? Yeah, very.

[B]

Handsome. He is very handsome. I know where you're going with this. So he used a word, and then he has been using this word a.

[A]

Lot.

[B]

Yeah. And it's kind of our.

[A]

Thing. I told him. I'm like, you got to be.

[B]

Careful.

[A]

Yeah. Because that's our thing. Hold on. Let's put.

[B]

Something. All right. There we.

[A]

Go. Yeah. So I said, we take the cap. Nip away. Every time he uses that in a derogatory manner. Cut it.

[B]

Out.

[A]

Yeah. And he goes, it's such a versatile word. Perhaps one of the best in the English.

[B]

Language. Perhaps one of the best in the English.

[A]

Yeah. You know what? Damn, man. I gotta retweet that. Because it.

[B]

Is. It is. Yeah. It's a.

[A]

Banger. He's.

[B]

Right. What are you doing, Matt? Nobody invited you. What are you guys even doing right now? We're talking about Amityno, Atomic Alborino, what's his name? Doing a show.

[A]

No. Yeah, you want to do.

[B]

It? No, we're not doing a show. We're talking crap about Timothy Albarino and the. And the. The. What would you call.

[A]

It? We're not talking about him. Perhaps we're talking about. Perhaps we are saying. No, we're just talking. We're just.

[B]

Recapping. Don't. We're gonna read there like a dead dude. What are you doing? Why your.

[A]

Hands. First off, Matt, this is too heavy. This show. This show is too.

[B]

Heavy. Yeah. This is too heavy for your.

[A]

Spirit. Yeah. We're doing.

[B]

Chronicles. You know, your hands are soaking wet and you're just stroking your.

[A]

Face. Are you gonna come on the show or what? So get.

[B]

Out. Get your body out of.

[A]

Here. You're wasting the.

[B]

Electricity. Stand in the shot because Austin's microphone is not working. You're a wanker. You should be sorry. Also, don't. What is it? Why your hands.

[A]

Wet? Because I work for a.

[B]

Living. Okay, but why did you dry them on your beard? I was like, they were already 90 dry. I just tried the last 10%.

[A]

Mason to keep it.

[B]

Down. 10%. It just became 7%. You got to.

[A]

Go, guys. Send more emails about how much you hate.

[B]

Matt. There's no guess. C Dub, C dub. Because we were gonna have. We were gonna have Austin Picard from the Austism report, and. And he. He couldn't make it because his microphone shit out. So he's gonna go buy a microphone today, and then we're gonna do a.

[A]

Show. What an incredible climb.

[B]

Right? What's.

[A]

That? It's like climbing Mount Everest with, like, a pair of New Balance. What? He's. What?

[B]

He's. Oh, my.

[A]

God.

[B]

Yeah. Like.

[A]

He'S. He's got a blue yeti, which.

[B]

Is entry level bullshit.

[A]

Microphone. I was asking him questions. I was like, so, what kind of audio interface are you connected to? Because I thought it was a different mic. And he goes, oh, yeah, yeah, audio interface. And I'm.

[B]

Like. He agreed with.

[A]

You.

[B]

Yeah. You were like, you have the. The Yeti. I mean, you said you have the Shure 501C3 or some.

[A]

Shit. Yeah, it was a Shore.

[B]

58.

[A]

Yeah. Or something like.

[B]

That. And he goes, yeah.

[A]

Yep. And then he picks up the mic. I was like, that's a blue Yeti. I was like, how you. You made it this far on just pure.

[B]

What? You.

[A]

Know? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And he's made it real far. But now it's time to treat the Austin reportism, you know, like the. The. The golden pony that it is. I don't understand that. That's.

[A]

Right. Shout out to Chuck H. Chuck.

[B]

H. Why are we shouting him.

[A]

Out? I don't.

[B]

Know. All right. Love that guy. Hey, so let's get into these.

[A]

Chronicles. Oh, how is your thing coming along? What is it, your.

[B]

Fundraiser? Oh, my God. Yeah. We raised, I think, over $3,000, and now we have to. Can you. How you get a check? Oh, yeah. It all goes to the PayPal. That's.

[A]

Right. Yeah. Well, look, go ahead. Keep.

[B]

Talking. No, let's have silence until you pull up the.

[A]

Numbers. All right. Damn. This.

[B]

Is. No, you got to do.

[A]

Silence. I know, but it's so.

[B]

Slow. No, it doesn't find. It doesn't.

[A]

Matter. All right, guys.

[B]

Stop.

[A]

Silence. Oh, it's.

[B]

Not. It's all.

[A]

Right. No, no, it's not. It's.

[B]

Not. No, it's fine. We're do.

[A]

Silence. We're just gonna.

[B]

Stay. Yeah. Geez. Guys, stop.

[A]

Talking. Yeah. Does he do this to you on the.

[B]

Raven? What do you know? I never. I'm just. I feel like it's nice to have some decompression.

[A]

Time. Yeah. From.

[B]

You. Yeah. So I'm trying to do it. I'm trying to make it make a silence. I see what you do like it. You got to cut it.

[A]

Out.

[B]

$3,125. Damn.

[A]

$3,125?

[B]

Yeah. That's a fuck ton of food.

[A]

Dude. Yeah. What are we gonna.

[B]

Do? I don't know. It's gonna get complicated. I think we just. We just do it. We just go. We just do it. Thank you, guys for donating to the pantry. The food.

[A]

Pantry. A.

[B]

Pantry. Perhaps we'll set it up out.

[A]

Front. Perhaps. And then to a big fight over the weekend about what we're gonna do with the.

[B]

Money. Well, you were like, let's give it all to the church system and say that. The 501C3 church system didn't say that. And I said, that's not what the listeners of this show signed up.

[A]

For. Now people are gonna think that I said.

[B]

That. I think people donated money because they were like, I want to see if these assholes can even orcas, like, organize and do.

[A]

This.

[B]

Yeah. And I don't want to take that away from them. It's the same way when they donate money on the Raven and they want to see me do math. It's the same energy. So a lot of them donated because they're like, yeah, we're gonna do something nice, and this is cool, but also like, let's watch this shit show. Let's watch them try to put $3,000 worth of food on a plastic folding.

[A]

Table. I don't think that they did it that way. I think they did it because they think we could talk to poor.

[B]

People. I can't.

[A]

You're. Yes, you.

[B]

Can. No, I am poor.

[A]

People. You are poor.

[B]

People. I gotta talk to.

[A]

Them. Perhaps you could talk to.

[B]

Them. No, I think Matt. Perhaps Matt can talk to them. You know, perhaps Matt could share scripture with them. And that was honestly a lot of my. My hope for this was just like, yeah, we could draw him in. We could say, hey, look, Christian library. This guy that can't stop talking, he wants to, you know, share the. Share the Bible with you. He wants to share the gospel with you. This episode is brought to you.

[A]

By.

[B]

Popcorn. No, we no longer.

[A]

Sell. Thank.

[B]

You. Ella's rape pajamas. And we don't know. We stop. We do now. We don't go. There's a hyperlink on the website. All right. Apparently, the rape pajamas are still up for sale. All right, so we have a new. A new product. It's called Weld. And this is actually so cold. Matt's related to it. Yeah, it's my cousins, bro. It's Chuck and Ernie, dude. Chuck and Ernie. 18 grams of whey protein. 18 grams of.

[A]

Weight. Nobody can hear.

[B]

You.

[A]

Okay. Uses his mic. No, sit on his.

[B]

Lap. No, don't sit on my.

[A]

Lap. 200 milligrams. You have 200 milligrams of caffeine. 18 grams of protein. They look cool in.

[B]

Here. I don't want to keep interrupting none of those. You can't even say our story. At 21, I was a student athlete burning cash on a protein shake in one hand and an energy drink in the other. It was so expensive and inefficient. So I built Weld. And the first drink.

[A]

That. Keep in mind, this.

[B]

Kid. Shut the hell.

[A]

Up. He's still.

[B]

21. He's still 21. So I built Weld. It's crazy. The first drink that welds protein and caffeine together for athletes, students, and anyone chasing more out of life. There's a hyperlink on our website. Straight to it. Takes you straight to.

[A]

It. You bang this up.

[B]

For. Yeah. Why'd you bang these up? What's that one? Is that a.

[A]

Creamsicle? This is a cream.

[B]

One. All right, I'm going to put it in my.

[A]

Mouth. Just make sure they look cool on.

[B]

Site. All right. On.

[A]

Site. I'm gonna drink it. Don't do that. These do look pretty.

[B]

Cool. I can only have a sip of this. Dude. I just had a coffee and then an espresso shot, and now a clean energy. And now I'm gonna have a sip of.

[A]

This. All right, guys, are we gonna do a show? Are we doing a show? We just.

[B]

Like. Apparently Milk's in.

[A]

Here. This is, like, one of the things that Matt's like, maybe you guys should, like, focus on a topic and, like, come and try to do something. And I'm like, I don't know if we should. What's going.

[B]

On? I mean, it's good. I love it. Orange.

[A]

Creamsicle. Hmm. Perhaps I'll try.

[B]

One.

[A]

Perhaps. Perhaps you shall.

[B]

Purchase. Well, fucking. All right, dude, let's. Let's read some of these chronicles, man. This is. We were 17 minutes into the show, and all we've done is promote.

[A]

Weld. Yeah. And Timothy.

[B]

Albarino. Yeah, I don't want to promote him anymore. Fuck that.

[A]

Guy. Hey. Hey. No, he's nice. That. See, that's. What's the word that he.

[B]

Used? Hostile. That's how he accused us of being.

[A]

Hostile. Yeah, well, that was. I was. I was saying that he was handsome, just as you're saying he's an.

[B]

Asshole. Perhaps he's.

[A]

Correct. You decide. What are we.

[B]

Reading? I don't know. Dude, you said you starred a bunch of them. Let's. I'm going to. I'm going to go to the starred section. Cocaine, Midgets, and Spice Girl.

[A]

Story.

[B]

Whoa. Okay, there's a part one and a part two we're gonna start.

[A]

With. Let's start with part two. That makes.

[B]

Sense. No, we're gonna start with part.

[A]

One. Why would you do.

[B]

That? Okay, so shout out to Holly, whose full name I won't dox. She's a Patreon member, a certified Spice Girl. And. And we're gonna read her story. Let's read her story. Greetings, Top David and.

[A]

Matt. Greetings.

[B]

Holly. This doesn't count. She only spelled it with two T's that everybody.

[A]

Knows. And also, he's not here.

[B]

So. So we don't really know who that. Who you're talking about. Mayhaps you will be.

[A]

Gassy. Honestly, I think this might make you the Protein will probably make you.

[B]

Gassy. Well, dude, I mean, I'm just like. I'm just. Oh. I got two things that drinks that are open and coffee, and they're.

[A]

All. I got a coconut water. I got this thing. Well, for all your energy and protein.

[B]

Needs. I don't. I didn't plan on going to the gym today, so. Also, shout out to David, who bought me a welder I talked about in the last episode. And I just think that's.

[A]

Great.

[B]

David. Yeah, that's his name. And I thanked him and he didn't even respond to me. He was just like, you know what it is.

[A]

Playboy? Here's Alex who came into the.

[B]

Shop. His name is Eric. You're a real asshole for.

[A]

That. Shout out to Eric. I'm bad with names. I'm.

[B]

Sorry. You can call me.

[A]

Holly. We're gonna call you whatever we feel.

[B]

Like. Love the show. And I've been wanting to share my stories with y' all for a very long time, but finally decided to sit down and. And knock out the writing when I heard the Colorado basement computer demon story from that other girl. Colorado basement computer demon. I think I do it. Crawled out of the computer screen or some.

[A]

Shit. This is the one that scared Matt. Gave him heavy.

[B]

Heart. He had a heavy spirit. I don't remember if it was that one or.

[A]

Not. I just don't get.

[B]

It. I just know he.

[A]

Sobbed. He sobbed. Matthew.

[B]

Wept. Mine is sort of similar. Ish. That's a good word. Y' all mentioned in the other Girls episode. Something like, if you're saved, you won't be under attack by demon spirits in the home. But I beg to differ. We never said that. I would never say that because I literally am attacked by demons.

[A]

Ceaseless. Yeah. What am I, Timothy.

[B]

Albarino? Yeah.

[A]

Right. Why would I say.

[B]

Such. I wouldn't say such definitive things. Perhaps quisas.

[A]

That. You know the quisas. That means perhaps in.

[B]

Spanish. Does it? Perhaps it.

[A]

Does. Just made that.

[B]

Up. You son of a bitch. Dude. Why are you just making stuff up and saying things like that to me? You know I'll believe the things that you.

[A]

Say. This guy thinks that Epstein has yellow.

[B]

Feet. You are real. I fucking knew you were lying about that. In the span of two months, I was filled with the Holy Spirit, haunted by evil basement spirit and almost addicted to Vicodin. Almost? She was not addicted to Vicodin. She was almost addicted to Vicodin. There's so much to share. So I'm sorry this won't be brief, but I'm dying To hear Matt's straight Bible opinion on the events of my life. Well, sorry, Holly.

[A]

Hey. Should we read.

[B]

It? Yeah, we should read it. We're reading it right.

[A]

Now. I know, but Matt's not.

[B]

Here. The Holy Spirit. So let's start at the beginning. I was raised in Marietta, Georgia, about a mile down the road from a Civil War battlefield. My dad worked at the Home Depot corporate offices in Atlanta. Is your dad.

[A]

Black?

[B]

Mm. So we had money growing up. Okay. Not black. Also, I will write back again and let you know about the parties those corporate guys would have. Don't worry. My dad was never part of the club. Okay.

[A]

Damn. I don't know what's going.

[B]

On.

[A]

That's. You.

[B]

Say. So awfully suggestive. Suggestive. My sister and I went to a Christian school, so I had heard about Jesus most of my life. But it wasn't until sophomore year of high school that I truly got it. She got it, dude. During my freshman year, I was part of a mean girl group, which was super awesome until they all turned on me, and I was on the other side of things. Ah.

[A]

Bitches. The.

[B]

Worst. What are you doing over.

[A]

There?

[B]

Huh? What are you.

[A]

Doing? I don't.

[B]

Know. I went through a pretty dark theme. Or not doing this. That was. That was alarming. I didn't know what was going on. Was Matt. He's here in spirit. I was. I went through a pretty dark time that spring semester. I was isolated and living in sin. Nasty. I had made some really bad decisions, and I was lying to my parents a lot. And my faith in general was not in a good place. Finally, one day I looked in the mirror and I said.

[A]

You. No, she said, recognize.

[B]

Myself. That's what she said. I didn't even recognize myself. I broke down in tears, and I prayed and said, God, if you're real, you need to prove it to me. That was May of.

[A]

2010. No, he doesn't. But that's. I get.

[B]

It. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps. I don't know. I don't think that's real. Four months later, I had forgotten about that prayer. It was September. September. And my son wants to play that song all the time now. He's like, can you put on the Bluetooth so I could play.

[A]

September? That's like the Song of the Villages. When you go to hell, that's.

[B]

A song plays on the.

[A]

Loop. Do you remember? Yep. They play the song every day.

[B]

Here. It was September, and our high school would go to Sharptop Cove, a young life retreat a few hours from our school. Seniors would Go there Wednesday and have their own worship time and small groups. And the rest of us would go on Thursday morning. We would all leave Saturday morning. It was super fun. We would have time during the day to zipline water slide, play.

[A]

Games. Water slide? Hell.

[B]

Yeah. I like a water.

[A]

Slide.

[B]

Yeah. Honestly, Big fan of a water park. Not a big fan of a roller coaster.

[A]

Park. We need a water slide in the lobby of the.

[B]

Park. We should get a water slide. Why don't we have a water.

[A]

Slide? You get baptized right into the.

[B]

Sanctuary. Yeah, we're gonna do baptisms at bro grove via water slide. Perhaps water balloon. Water balloon baptism. I don't know if that counts. The name of the father, the son. All right, so we play games, all the cool stuff. And at night we would. Would have.

[A]

Worship. Had a really good.

[B]

Idea. Did you? Go.

[A]

Ahead. You want to hear.

[B]

It? I do want to hear.

[A]

It. You want to hear my.

[B]

Idea?

[A]

Yeah. We should make blap it. Like the toys, but you got to blap.

[B]

It. Ooh, yeah, Pour the brown.

[A]

Water. Blap.

[B]

It. That's a lot of wordy one. Are you gonna tilt it to the side? Brown water, blap it. That's a good.

[A]

Idea. I like it. Let's make it.

[B]

Happen. I mean, we've done dumber shit. Most of the time. It would be some youth pastor 501c3 dude in a flannel shirt telling us not to have sex or whatever. But the worship was always decent. Okay, so I don't even remember what the speaker talked about that night or even who the speaker was, but after he finished his spiel, he said we could either leave or go to the game room, which is what we always did after nightly services, and go.

[A]

To the game room.

[B]

Or. Oh, I'm sorry. Or we could stay and worship some more. Something about his preaching got to me, so my friend Victoria and I decided to stay for worship. They started with the song came to my rescue, which I had never heard before that moment. I think it was a Phil Wickman.

[A]

Song. Phil.

[B]

Wickham. Perhaps it was a Phil Wickman.

[A]

Song. Perhaps he's the guy that played David in the.

[B]

New. Oh, how was.

[A]

That? I think they missed the mark a little bit on it, but it was cool. It was all.

[B]

Right. How did they miss the mark? Cuz I was curious. I was waiting for your review before I decided, because my wife was like, should we take my wife Jack to go see it? And I was like, well, top's going to see it, so it's.

[A]

Fine. I Think you should. Yeah, you should. I think they mischaracterized David's character toward the end a little.

[B]

Bit. Oh, why? Was he, like, super based and not, like, super transgressing?

[A]

Transgressing. No, no. They don't get to that point with Bathsheba. Like, they get to the point where he becomes king and.

[B]

That'S. Yeah. You don't want to show the kids. He was like, I want to fuck that.

[A]

Bitch. He really. Yeah, he.

[B]

Met. No, they murder her husband to fuck.

[A]

That. It's a lot of, like, him doubting is his faith. And I'm just like, I don't really read that part.

[B]

Strange. That is strange. He never seemed like a guy that was like.

[A]

Mother. His mother had the faith for him, which is also. It's just very strange. But I was like, all right. It was.

[B]

Fine. They did with the.

[A]

Woman'S. The woman. Yeah. It was a very female empowerment sort of thing.

[B]

Yeah. Perhaps it had an.

[A]

Agenda. Shout out, Phil.

[B]

Wickham. As soon as the chorus said, I called, you answered. I was filled with the holy.

[A]

Spirit.

[B]

Filled. It overcame me and filled me with the light and love and warmth that I can't even begin to.

[A]

Describe. You missed it this week. Two times this.

[B]

Week. What.

[A]

Happened? Two times we had tongues. You missed.

[B]

It. Oh, it happened Twice in one. In one.

[A]

Service. Twice in one.

[B]

Serving. Twice in one serving. Yeah. What was the.

[A]

Translation? I don't.

[B]

Remember. Must have not been.

[A]

Important. They used the word perhaps. Did they? Well.

[B]

Yes. Come out of her, my children. Perhaps. Perhaps that's not.

[A]

Good. This is high level.

[B]

Blasphemy. Simultaneously, God showed me the memory of myself staring into the mirror and sobbing that past, maybe asking him for a sign that he is real, which, like I said previously, I had completely forgotten about. The timing of it all with the music was so clear to me. I had called on him and he was now saying, here is your answer. I had no more doubts. I fell to my knees and cried and praised him. Perhaps. I'm sorry. Doesn't matter if it's good or not. We're just gonna mock you. And it's not a mocking of you, Holly. It's just we're just animals and we keep. We can't ask Albarino. We just can't help ourselves. Per Blaps Purple.

[A]

Apps. He.

[B]

Did. Turns out pretty much everyone who stayed to worship had experienced some version of what I had. Unfortunately, many of them had confused repentance with.

[A]

Confession. Oh, what's the.

[B]

Difference? Well, confession is like you're just saying the things. Repentance is asking for forgiveness. I don't know. I just said that shit. I don't know if that's. And some took turns going up on stage, crying and confessing whatever eating disorder or self harm or whatever they had going on that was magically cured by the Holy Spirit that night for most. Everything was back to normal by the time we got back to school on Monday. But I was determined not to lose that fire I had.

[A]

Experienced. Good for.

[B]

Her. I decided to start a small group of girls, four girls, to meet up and pray once a week during lunch. I sought out our most spirit filled teacher and she agreed to lead it. Unfortunately, only three of us showed up and after a few weeks there were only two. Then one day it was just me. As a 15 year old, I most certainly would have rather stopped going completely than spend lunch alone with the teacher. So I stopped attending. Yeah, that's. I mean.

[A]

That'S. That's.

[B]

Awkward. You're just gonna be there with your teacher just what? You're just like the weird one chick and the teacher at lunch. Everybody else is blapping it up and you're.

[A]

Just. So what's the story about Holly? How you fell off?

[B]

What? Is this the story of how I fell the fuck.

[A]

Off? I don't.

[B]

Know. Part one. This is. No, this is part one Point Part one B. There you go. Studio B. Studio blap blap, blap blap. My Haunted Childhood Home by Holly. Before I tell you about the basement ghosts, I need you to picture this house because honestly, the layout alone was enough to freak you out. It was one of those homes with multiple.

[A]

Staircases. That's spooky. Yeah, too many staircases. Like where did this.

[B]

Go? Everybody gets one fucking staircase in your house if you have more than.

[A]

That. Yeah. Where does this lead to? They say somebody said Confessions is what Emily does.

[B]

Damn. That's not nice, Joe Brown. Does anybody say commend repentance is committing to changing your behavior? Okay, that's.

[A]

Fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was.

[B]

A. That was a low blow. Yeah, you didn't have to say that about.

[A]

Emily. Which one's.

[B]

Emily? She's the bane of your existence. So this one had a lot of stairs and weird connecting hallways and random doors that seem to lead into each other like some kind of suburban maze. What that.

[A]

Mean? She's saying that her dad had.

[B]

Money. Yeah. That's a brag.

[A]

Right? Home Depot.

[B]

Money. I knew a girl who had a secret tunnel. Or not a.

[A]

Tunnel.

[B]

Jewish. Yeah. And it was behind her bookcase. Like, she would move a bookcase and then she'd be able.

[A]

To. Like, I need one of.

[B]

Those.

[A]

Why? I. I can't tell you right.

[B]

Now. All right, where was I? Random doors that seem to lead into each other like some kind of suburban maze. Zillow only has the outside photos now, which is tragic because the inside was something else. So let me walk you through.

[A]

It. How she fell off for.

[B]

Real. This is how she fell off for.

[A]

Real. I mean, she lo. She's not in the.

[B]

House. Oh, my God. I have too much energy, Me. I need water now. I'm getting, like, nauseous. You'd step through the front door into this big echoey foyer with a grand staircase right in front of you leading upstairs. And at the top of those stairs, straight ahead, there was this long hallway to the left. It opened up into a little nook with three doors. One to the linen closet, one to the bathroom my sister and I shared, which smelled like pee and poo. Which had its own door. Well, yeah. Which had its own extra door inside for the toilet. Shower part, which was the same. You would poo in the.

[A]

Shower. Waffle.

[B]

Stomp. Waffle stomping. And then the entrance to my parents massive master bedroom and bathroom. The foyer itself is wide open with a formal dining room on the right and two French doors on the left that led to my mom's prayer Bible study room. Damn. You had money.

[A]

Damn. She got French type.

[B]

Doors. You got French doors. That's.

[A]

Crazy. And a Bible study.

[B]

Room. I mean, that's like. You could do that literally anywhere. Yeah, but you'd have a room for it too, I guess if you.

[A]

Walk. That has a Bible study.

[B]

Room. It's called a.

[A]

Closet. No, I think he's. He's very rich.

[B]

Too. Well, he is wealthy. Our boss is.

[A]

Wealthy.

[B]

Yeah. He wouldn't be our boss.

[A]

Otherwise. I mean, we go to his house. He's got, like, statues in the.

[B]

Back. He's got two.

[A]

Houses. He does have two.

[B]

Houses. He's like, I've got this daughter that I raised. Mayhaps I'll give her a.

[A]

House.

[B]

Yeah. And now she has a.

[A]

House. He's got people that work the land.

[B]

Live.

[A]

Yeah. On the land. Yeah. So, like, mostly when he says he's working the land, he's just like, Well.

[B]

I. What? I will say him. Like, he'll walk around the food forest and he'll make sure it's.

[A]

God.

[B]

Yeah. But it really makes the other, like, the black people.

[A]

Uncomfortable. He.

[B]

Talks. He talks to God out.

[A]

Loud. And it's what he does to us here. Yeah, he, like, voice the text, but he's like, man, God, I wish that these. These. These trees were a little bit more.

[B]

Pruned.

[A]

Yeah. You.

[B]

Know? Yeah, he does it. It's like a passive aggressive, like, you're not working hard enough kind of a.

[A]

Thing. Voice the text to.

[B]

God. I've seen him do it. He'll walk through there and the black folks will turn their head. They go, huh? And he goes, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to.

[A]

God. But it would be nice, though.

[B]

If they were more pruned. Where was I? If you walk straight through the blah, blah, blah. The. The foyer, there was a door that opened into the small, square shaped hallway full of Mordors.

[A]

Mordor.

[B]

Mordor. That's.

[A]

It. That's where she's.

[B]

At. Lord. Lord of the Rings reference. On the right side, there was a coat closet and a half bath. And on the left, there was a basement door straight ahead, led into the breakfast nook. Bitch had a nook? Yeah, this bitch has a nook. It's crazy. And if you turn the corner to the left, you'd walk into the man cave. A room lined with bookshelves where we watch tv, Hung out.

[A]

Everything. I knew you could tell this is a.

[B]

Girl. I know. She's just talking so.

[A]

Much. The other guy, we were like, you're in a graveyard with basketball.

[B]

Shorts.

[A]

Yeah. Can we get more details? He's like, nah.

[B]

Nah. How's that for you.

[A]

Playboy? Yeah, just.

[B]

Nah. She. He's like, all I could tell you is I don't play basketball. I don't play basketball, but I do wear them shorts. Both the man cave and the breakfast nook had doors leading to the back patio. The kitchen connected to everything, too. A door to the laundry room and another door to the butler's pantry. This is.

[A]

Rich. How much are you a patron, perhaps? Or did you fall.

[B]

Off? If you're not paying us, I'm hurt because clearly you have extra money. Okay, so where were we? The butler's pantry. Which.

[A]

Looped. You should give her a reason why she should pay.

[B]

Us. I. I don't have a single one. Actually, you know what I do have? Diaries. I am all messed up right now. I'm, like, nauseous from, like, so much weld energy and clean energy and also the experience espresso shot that was given to me. But I drank four Foster's Oatmeal Stout breakfast stouts last night, and they did a number on my insides. And now I. I am holding Back the floodgates. And by that, I mean explosive.

[A]

Diarrhea. Are you, like, clenching? Is it.

[B]

Real? Occasionally I have to be like.

[A]

Whoops. What should I pull up? We should have something to.

[B]

Watch. Oh, no, no, no. I'm gonna hold.

[A]

It. I don't think you can hold.

[B]

It. I'm still holding it. I have a strong colon. So we're the butler's pantry. Hoping, she says, hopefully you're keeping up, because this is where the house layout really starts to get insane. Holly, I think I'm gonna hit.

[A]

You.

[B]

Yeah. This is crazy. From the kitchen, if you walk into the laundry room, the garage was on the right, and the pantry with accordion doors was on the left. It was a huge laundry room. And tucked in the back corner was a second staircase, one that curved left and led up to another doorway, which dropped you right at the far end of the hallway.

[A]

Upstairs. Who are these.

[B]

People? I don't know, dude. I think I'm sweating. But before we go up that back staircase, let's talk about the pantry. Which one? The butler's pantry or just a regular ass pantry? Because inside that pantry was the secret room. This is crazy. Along the left side, under the bottom shelf, there was a little square cut into the.

[A]

Drywall. Of course. This place is.

[B]

Haunted. Yeah, souls are getting lost. The layout is a. Is a maze just dying in the different places, trying to get out of the. Perhaps butler's pantry. Okay, so there was a little square in the drywall. You literally had to get on your hands and knees to see it. If you pushed it, the square would swing open. You can crawl through. The previous owners had put carpet and lamp in there that was big enough for multiple kids to hang out in. My sister and I were obsessed with it in the fourth and fifth grade. But then later, we ignored it unless we had friends over who we wanted to impress. The room was built under the staircase, and only one little spot right near the entrance was tall enough for anyone to stand up.

[A]

In.

[B]

Yeah. On the left wall, we had some nailed wooden boards to make a ladder. And if you climb those, you reached a second level, also carpeted, but only big enough for one person to sit comfortably. Perfect for hiding warm beer when I was a senior. Okay, all.

[A]

Right. She lived. She lived at the Overlook.

[B]

Hotel. Good God. And above that secret level. Oh, and above that secret level in the ceiling, there was another cutout. And if you squeeze through it, you ended up in this pitch dark, unfinished attic type space that always gave me the creeps. Damn, dude. What is going on with your house. But if you turn left in that pitch black room, there was another square opening and crawling through that popped you out. Inside my sister's closet. Whoa, that's creepy. Like literally through her hanging dresses. And it wasn't even a walk in closet. Tell me that's not absolutely fucking weird. I'm glad we hung in there because by the end of it I was like. I thought she was just bragging about like, my father's mansion has many.

[A]

Rooms. But like she's kind of.

[B]

Bragging. I mean, she's definitely bragging, but like, yeah, it has many rooms and is weird as shit. When you went up through the laundry room staircase, you came out at a small extension of that upstairs hallway. It turned at a 90 degree angle. You know, what I want to say real quick is thank God Hollywood can.

[A]

Type.

[B]

Yeah. And use punctuation and.

[A]

Shit. This would be a.

[B]

Disaster. This would be a disaster if this came from any other spice member of the, of the.

[A]

Show. Spice.

[B]

Person. Spice Person, Spice Peoples. Immediately on our left was our second living room. Pull out couches, chairs, a huge desk with a family desktop. What is that? A family desktop. And if you stood in that doorway and look down the hallway, you'd see the door to the laundry room on the right and straight ahead, the top of the main staircase. My bedroom was on the left, hallway down, and my sister's was directly across from mine on the.

[A]

Right. This place is a.

[B]

Labyrinth. I will, I will. I will admit to you right now that not a single descriptive of the layout of your home has stuck with me. No, except for the.

[A]

Pantry. I don't even think she.

[B]

Know. My closet had its own creepy little feature. A square cutout on the right that led into a huge, unfinished finished attic space. Basically a void. The realtor told my parents that the secret room also connected to my closet. But my sister and I could never test it because we're pretty sure the exit to my into my closet had been boarded up. It was the wall directly across from the second level of the secret.

[A]

Room. This is.

[B]

Crazy. I'm getting winded.

[A]

Dude. Okay, could she have just done a.

[B]

Drawing? Maybe just a picture would have.

[A]

Sufficed. A.

[B]

Drawing. Still, knowing it could have led there always freaked me out because I was constantly terrified someone could crawl into my bedroom from inside my closet. And then she says, I hope you're still.

[A]

Reading. I mean, just barely.

[B]

Holly. Fuck, dude. This is.

[A]

Like. This is like. Imagine if she would have came to the the shop and sat there and told us.

[B]

This. Oh, I would have. I Would have shot her. I think I would have opened.

[A]

Fire, open fired on.

[B]

Her, emptied out the clip. She'd have been.

[A]

Like. And then there was another. If you made a left at.

[B]

The end of that hallway, there was a square cut out in my father's living closet.

[A]

Space. Her father had a living closet and a dying.

[B]

Closet. This is the living closet. This is the dying.

[A]

Closet. This is rich people shit. She's. She's.

[B]

White. Oh, yeah, she's.

[A]

White.

[B]

Holly. She's white with an H.

[A]

White. Holly, are you.

[B]

White? Oh, my God. I'm lightheaded now, so. The.

[A]

Basement. David, you should.

[B]

Poop. No, I can't. Okay, fine. I. I need to get water and then squirt some shit out of my.

[A]

Butt. But hold on. What are we gonna.

[B]

Play? Dude, I gotta pee from both.

[A]

Ends. We keep getting copy strikes when we play Toad stuff because we don't really do. Yeah, cuz he's so.

[B]

Good. Is that.

[A]

Real?

[B]

Mm. Let's play it.

[A]

Again. All right. I don't know what to play though. Is recent stuff. Let's see. I know. Look at David, you're suffering.

[B]

Dude. I'm just like. Now I'm just lightheaded and more. I just need water. But then I gotta pee. But then also I gotta do some other.

[A]

Stuff. Gotta keep telling us because I'm like, I'm genuinely curious. Where did you go wrong? How did this.

[B]

Happen? I think it was the. Like I said, the foundries beers or Founders.

[A]

Beers. Well, why you keep drinking.

[B]

Beer? Like, I. I like to have a drink on the.

[A]

Weekend. Yeah, but we've been over this. Like, you suffer. You suffer.

[B]

Greatly. Yeah, well, sometimes you suffer.

[A]

For. You know how beautiful he.

[B]

Is. Very, very, very. What a cute baby.

[A]

Boy. All right, we'll play this. All right, guys, Dave's gonna.

[B]

Poop. Is it working? I can't hear it. I'll be right back. It's funny. Somebody knocked.

[A]

Before. Is that true, queef.

[B]

Latina? Thin Raven says I'd wholly kiss Toad right.

[A]

Now.

[B]

Wow. Is that true, Thin.

[A]

Raven? You guys are really. You're really doing something over there.

[B]

Huh? What are you guys.

[A]

Doing? All right, we're.

[B]

Done. All right. Is Holly in the chat? I don't think so, but I'm really upset about the way that she described her entire House for 40.

[A]

Minutes. Well, get used to it because we have.

[B]

More. This is the part of the story that she's called the basement.

[A]

Ghost. So now that she's explained all the rest of her house besides the.

[B]

Basement, now she's gonna Explain the layout of the basement for you to understand how this ghost works. How my father's basement works. All right. It's October 2010. No, it's not. And Victoria and I are having a sleepover. My parents were already asleep and it's like 11pm so we decided to sneak down to the basement to watch TV and eat junk.

[A]

Food. Oh.

[B]

Yeah. Pagan bullshit.

[A]

Witchcraft. Why.

[B]

Not? The basement had a finished section. Oh my.

[A]

God. Oh my.

[B]

God.

[A]

Holly. I feel like I'm on an episode of House.

[B]

Hunters. I'm scared. All right. The basement had a finished section and an unfinished section, plus like six random doors because of course it did. And we were just hanging out in the living room area from the basement. From. It has a basement. It has a. And there's a butler's pajama room in the basement. From the second we sat down, I felt weird. Just uneasy. Could be the witchcraft and the junk food that you're doing. But you know, I kept getting this heavy sinking feeling like someone was watching.

[A]

Us. No, she said watch tv, not.

[B]

Witchcraft. Oh, that's the same thing. I kept getting this heavy sinking feeling like someone was watching us from the shadows. I finally said something to.

[A]

Victoria. I don't like.

[B]

This. And she told me I was. It was probably just the door in the corner that led to the bottom level of the back deck, which my family had literally never.

[A]

Used. No.

[B]

Way. She said.

[A]

That. Oh my.

[B]

God. Is that what she.

[A]

Said? That's exactly what she.

[B]

Said. Holly. Wait. It says no sound. Hello? No. Sam Squanch. You know what? Sam Squanch, Stop it. You can hear us. I know you could hear us, you asshole. Have you seen. What do you want, Matt? Guys, you remember Riley, right? What's up? Riley? Chocolate. Stop feeding.

[A]

Riley. Thank.

[B]

You. May the God of hope fill you with all joy. No, that she doesn't have.

[A]

To. She could if she wants.

[B]

To. It's right there. If you.

[A]

Like. Hold on, hold on.

[B]

Whatever. Come on. Fix the.

[A]

Camera. Okay, I'm gonna fix the.

[B]

Camera. Can you fix the.

[A]

Camera? There you.

[B]

Go. Say hi. No, you gotta. Yeah, you gotta say hi over there. Thank you, Riley. Free chocolate. Dude, this might actually help with all the caffeine that you made me drink. I didn't make you drink anything. You look at. Look at the table, Riley. This is incredibly cousins protein. These are filled with energy. Wait, you want to do a video.

[A]

For. Are these like brand.

[B]

New? Yeah, brand new.

[A]

Unbelievable. Good, because we're not doing a video for it.

[B]

Bye. Bye. See ya. Thank you. I'm gonna Eat this chocolate pretzel on. Okay, very cool. You don't need it, Raven. Shut up, Thin Raven. I'm thick.

[A]

Raven. I'm thick.

[B]

Raven. She got chocolate on it. Hell, yeah. Okay, wait a second. Where we at here? So she felt uneasy. Victoria explained the layout of my house to me again, which my favorite. Okay. The door had a big uncovered window, and she said that alone was creepy enough. I kept glancing over, fully expecting to see a man's face pressed up against the glass. And every minute or so I'd say, I don't like this. And eventually Victoria was like, shut up, bitch. I'm not doing this. Eventually, Victoria was like, okay, you're actually starting to scare me. I tried so hard to ignore it. I got so far. But in the end, it didn't matter. It didn't even matter. No, she said. I tried so hard to ignore it. But then, out of nowhere, I saw the silhouette of a man. He was lurking in the corner beside the door. Not a face, but an almost translucent head shape and very clearly, a white T shirt and jeans. And the presence felt.

[A]

Evil. Evil. Very. Yeah, evil. She put in.

[B]

Italics. Yeah, because she's a kind of.

[A]

A wizard of words and typing.

[B]

Yes. Holly the Spice Girl has many words, and she uses them to describe her father's mansion. So my whole body reacted. I jumped and blurted, oh, my.

[A]

God. Oh, my.

[B]

Goodness. I just saw a man in the corner. I was freaking out. And she clearly didn't believe me because she just said, holly, seriously, calm down. Watch the show. Because that's a reasonable thing to say during witchcraft. Who just saw a fucking.

[A]

Intruder? I didn't calm.

[B]

Down. Where is it? I didn't calm down. I was shaking. And maybe a minute later, she grabbed my arm, yanked me out of my chair and screamed. I saw it.

[A]

Too. I seen.

[B]

It. I seen it. And we took off. We ran up the stairs so fast that we practically tripping over each other. We locked the door behind us, stood in the kitchen, panting, and I asked her, did you see the man in the white T shirt? She shook her head. She said she didn't see a man at all. She saw a pair of feet running straight at her from the corner of the room. I'm sorry.

[A]

What? Just feet. Disembodied.

[B]

Feet. You just saw feet? That's crazy. Maybe she didn't let. She lacked discernment. Dang. Holly had enough discernment to see the whole dude. But this she only, your friend, only saw feet. We changed our minds about sleeping in the basement and went right upstairs to the second living room. Pull out couch.

[A]

Instead. Out of.

[B]

Control. Which was down the hallway, the long hallway at the top of the stairs, where if you made a left in it and then you crawled into the crawl.

[A]

Space.

[B]

Hollywood. Oh, Hollywood. Say all this, wouldn't.

[A]

She? Yeah, none of this matters. Like, she could have told us. Like, she just. In the basement, yo, I seen a guy. She seen some feet. Now she's like, me and my friend went up and we escaped to our second living.

[B]

Room. Look, you know, she saw yellow feet. Oh, don't say kissas, dude. That's not a fucking word, all.

[A]

Right? It might be now. You'll never.

[B]

Know. We went upstairs to the second basement. Or wait, the third. We changed our minds about sleeping in the first basement. So we went upstairs to the second basement with the second living room. Pull out couch instead. But the feeling of dread followed us. We were both freaking the fuck out at this point. Don't use that kind of.

[A]

Language. I.

[B]

Know. Christian. Show the. We decided.

[A]

Against. Hey, check out the.

[B]

Screen. What is it? Quiznos is a Spanish adverb meaning maybe. Or.

[A]

Perhaps your boy's.

[B]

Good.

[A]

Quiznos. I'm.

[B]

Good. All.

[A]

Right. Maybe I'll get some Quiznos after.

[B]

This. Hey.

[A]

Quiznos. Remember that?

[B]

Perhaps we decided against waking my parents up to tell them what had happened. What would we say? There was a man ghost and some running shoes we saw in the.

[A]

Basement. Shoes or.

[B]

Feet? Was it feet or was it shoes? Were they.

[A]

Yellow? Oh, wait up, is Rebs. Sims. Is this. Is this.

[B]

Holly? No, I know Rebs. That's not. That's not Holly. Might be her name is.

[A]

Rebs. You knew Atma, too? The.

[B]

Girl. Atma. The girl.

[A]

Yeah. Yep. Well, these people are.

[B]

Liars. Should we tell? Like, it's so strange how, like, we're now 60, 40, 40% of our viewership is women.

[A]

Yeah. Let me actually look, because.

[B]

It'S. That's a crazy.

[A]

Statistic. We just broke 14,000 followers, which is pretty cool. Oh, yeah, I got that. What are our analytics? We're trying to figure out our.

[B]

Lytics.

[A]

Anal. Yeah, we were. Yeah. It was like hat. Almost half and half, which is.

[B]

Crazy. That is.

[A]

Nuts. Yeah. 40.9 is girls. 59.1 is. Is men. 0% is other. Hell.

[B]

Yeah. Based. Fuck out of here, trannies. Stop it. Mmm. This is so.

[A]

Good. We barely slept that night. The next morning, we told my mom what happened. She didn't laugh at us, but she was also very neutral. She wasn't gonna validate it, but she also didn't make us feel stupid. Her mom. I don't know. I guess I skipped some stuff. Maybe. Go.

[B]

Ahead. Yeah, dude, you skipped a bunch of.

[A]

Shit. My.

[B]

Bad. That sounds insane. We were too afraid of sleeping, so we turned on MTV to keep us safe. And then that weird Girls Gone Wild commercial came on and we felt awkward. Remember.

[A]

Those? Yeah, I used to live for.

[B]

Those. Yeah. Be bonered.

[A]

Up. Boned.

[B]

Up. Unfortunately, this was like a week before the release of Paranormal Activity 2, and every single commercial break showed a preview of it. That didn't help anything because now we're both like, oh, man, we just experienced.

[A]

It. Now I feel bad.

[B]

Man. And then, just to make everything worse, the desktop computer started acting possessed. The one with the. At the family desktop. Whatever the fuck that means. I had been watching Gossip Girl early that day on one of those sketchy free streaming websites as one.

[A]

Does. What kind of audience do we.

[B]

Have? Apparently 40% girls. And to that I say, what's. Ladies. What's. What's. What's wrong with.

[A]

You? Why are you.

[B]

Watching. The fuck is it.

[A]

Matter? Why are you watching.

[B]

This? What are you.

[A]

Doing? We prefer.

[B]

Where. You know what I also don't perhaps, is like, the.

[A]

Women. Yeah, they're very like.

[B]

Woman. The women are very, like, vocal. Yeah, they say a lot of.

[A]

Shit. They don't shut.

[B]

Up. And the dudes that are the 60%, they don't say a lot of.

[A]

Shit. What does the Bible say about.

[B]

That?

[A]

Women. Women talking? Well.

[B]

Yeah. What did the Bible say about women talking? About Woman.

[A]

Talking. Let's.

[B]

See. What did the Lord say, Matt?

[A]

Matthew. He's not gonna.

[B]

Come. I'm gonna.

[A]

Come. He's not gonna come. All right, all right. Well, we'll figure it.

[B]

Out. I'll continue reading. And I had paused an episode before dinner of Gossip Girl is what she means. Now with the screen completely blep. And the computer. And the computer would randomly blast two seconds of the episodes.

[A]

Audio. Ah, this is what it says. Let your woman keep silence in the church. It's not permitted for them to.

[B]

Speak. Look, she knew Keisha Bear knew Keisha with the black.

[A]

Name. New. Yeah. They are commanded to be obedient. And if they learn anything new, let them ask their husbands at.

[B]

Home. That's a great thing. Yeah. Like every time you learn something.

[A]

New. Because it's a shame for women to speak in the church. Wait, this woman. Woman to speak in the church? Yeah. I was actually talking to somebody today. Yesterday, the day before. But one of these.

[B]

Days. Yeah. Was it a.

[A]

Woman'S. Sometime it was A woman. It was a woman from the. She sings in the church. And we were talking about a whole bunch. She's bass. Really.

[B]

Fun.

[A]

Okay. And she was like, she. She's the type of person that does, like, deep dive studies on a bunch of different subjects in the.

[B]

Bible. Because she's.

[A]

Like. Because I was basically telling them about how. I'm like, yeah, I like this stuff, but I don't like just a normal church opinion. I'm not going to stop there letting y' all.

[B]

Know. Gotta go.

[A]

Further.

[B]

Yeah. Gotta push.

[A]

It. Me too. Other people walked away. She's like, me too. I'm crazy.

[B]

Too.

[A]

Yeah. Because I was talking about.

[B]

Dinosaurs. And then you were like, where's your husband? Can I talk to.

[A]

Him? Yeah. I was like, where is the husband? And she goes, actually, this is a. It's not that this is a misconception, but in the. During the time in the temple, the woman would sit in the.

[B]

Back.

[A]

Yeah. The men would sit in the front. And when the woman was confused. Yeah. When they were confused about. They're like, what are they saying up there? They saying some base shit and I can't understand it. They would ask their husbands. Yeah. And cause a commotion because they're asking them this way. Like in the church. They're asking.

[B]

Them. They have to shout over.

[A]

People. Yeah. So like, yo, you got to shut up because. Yeah. It is.

[B]

Embarrassing.

[A]

Yeah. Imagine your wife is like, what does that mean? What does he mean when he.

[B]

Says, I gotta find this. So we. We.

[A]

Gotta. I was like, that's actually a satisf. Satisfactory response from.

[B]

You. I like.

[A]

It. Yeah, I like.

[B]

It. Well, I. We.

[A]

Gotta. I told her to shut.

[B]

Up. Shut the hell up, woman. Where is. So I can't find it. Oh, come on, man. It was such a great. We got a really great message on. Oh, I guess it's actually would be moved to primary because I did eventually respond to it. So we got this great message. Yep, here it is. This is really.

[A]

Funny. Oh, damn. We got more. More donations. Thank you.

[B]

Guys. Yeah, we.

[A]

Blapping. We. We.

[B]

Guamin. We gwaman. So we got a message on Instagram from a. From a page called Bimbo.

[A]

Astrology. Oh, yes, that was a good.

[B]

One. And it's just a woman. Woman, woman who is a.

[A]

Bimbo. What did they them say and.

[B]

Do? Do astrology. They is a woman who is a bimbo and do.

[A]

Astrology. You know who I found out does.

[B]

Astrology? Who? Oh.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. He's an astrological ass.

[A]

Whoa. He.

[B]

Does.

[A]

Yeah. Talking about the Age of.

[B]

Aquarius.

[A]

Yeah. Or Age of.

[B]

Pisces. He loves it. Yeah, he loves.

[A]

It. He's like, do you know why? Jesus. This is a crazy one. Everything I see now, now I'm like, I've got to be.

[B]

Combative. Why is this. Why is he not, like, biblically grounded? Why is he like. Well, it doesn't.

[A]

Matter. Hold on. That's why they named it. They.

[B]

Mean. I gotta talk about the woman's.

[A]

First. The fish, because. Okay, go ahead. We'll talk about the.

[B]

Woman'S. So bimbo astrology. Who is a bimbo? Who do astrology doing this. No, this is what we're doing. Messaged us and she said this, which is wonderful. She goes, I don't understand your.

[A]

Podcast. A lot of.

[B]

Words. Well, because woman. I don't understand if your podcast is woman friendly. On one hand, you are teaching important things and women seek.

[A]

Knowledge. On the other hand, we're gonna lose most of our female. We've.

[B]

Actually. Ladies Kate does the upside down smiley face, but.

[A]

She. Yo, ladies. We've been. We've been. We've been.

[B]

Formulating.

[A]

Yeah. Our show. To be more lady friendly. Oh, yeah, the wallpaper. Right? You like the wallpaper. We hired a social media manager who is a girl who is a woman that does woman.

[B]

Stuff.

[A]

Yeah. And then we're gonna start making short form content. Oh, yeah, the woman in a womanly fashion. Yeah. So that way you guys could, like, watch it. Is that what we should be.

[B]

Doing? I don't know, man, but bimbo astrology saying.

[A]

This. Wait a second. This is. This is.

[B]

Very. Just panda fly. Say, I like panda.

[A]

Fly. I feel very safe.

[B]

Here. Hell.

[A]

Yeah. I don't. But no. What are we doing.

[B]

Here? Mason is not the social media person. She's a.

[A]

Bird. So I feel.

[B]

Like. How many times do you say, how many coffee. She's a big.

[A]

Bird.

[B]

So. So bimbo astrology says, on one hand, you are teaching important things and women seek.

[A]

Knowledge.

[B]

Yes. And then. Then she says, on the other hand, sometimes it makes me.

[A]

Cry. You have to drink the seed to get the.

[B]

Knowledge. No, that's not what women are supposed to do. She goes, on the other hand, sometimes it make me. Makes me.

[A]

Cry. It make me.

[B]

Cry. And then she says, I hope you receive many blessings. Real email. Real email. And then she goes, I hope you receive many blessings this holiday season. To which I say, thank you. Blap, blap, blap, blap, blap. That's literally. It just blap, blap, blap and Then she hearts it and then we don't have any, any further dialogue. But I did think that was kind of the greatest email that we've ever.

[A]

Received. Yeah. She was like, hey, man, I don't know how to feel about this. You guys seem like you hate.

[B]

Woman, woman, woman, but also you teach important.

[A]

Things. But I look And I say 40% of the woman be watching this.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know what that is. There's a type of woman, I think it's woman with fatherly issues who are like, I like when somebody says like, you know, mean things and it's.

[A]

Like 25 to 44 year old. Woman, woman, woman. That's who be watching this.

[B]

Thing. Sometimes it make me.

[A]

Cry. We like honesty. I don't get it. I don't understand. My wife doesn't like this show. My wife's sitting right outside.

[B]

There. My.

[A]

Wife. Stop it. My wife, she's sitting right outside there and she goes, you still gonna do this show? After I went out because David had diarrhea. And I go, yeah, I gotta finish the.

[B]

Show. I didn't use the diarrhea. I kept.

[A]

It. I gotta finish the show. And she just goes, I don't like what you're doing in.

[B]

There. I don't like it. And panda fly says, I got major daddy.

[A]

Issues.

[B]

Okay. All.

[A]

Right. So this is the.

[B]

Key. This is making sense.

[A]

Yanette. I'm just trying to figure out like when we, when we run our ads how to target.

[B]

You. Daddy issued women queef Latina said raven farts like a.

[A]

Woman. And that's a. Yeah, but that's a.

[B]

Boy. I don't. I'd be flopping, dude. I'd be like, let's.

[A]

Read. We gotta get back to.

[B]

This. And I paused an episode before dinner. Now with the screen completely black, the computer would randomly blast two seconds of the episodes audio, then silence, then two more seconds, then silence over and over, like someone was tapping the play button on.

[A]

Purpose. And they don't have these type of problems in this rich.

[B]

Household. Yeah. With their many.

[A]

Rooms. Many.

[B]

Rooms. We barely slept at all that night. The next morning we told my mom what had happened. She didn't laugh at us, but she was also very neutral. Perhaps she wasn't going to validate it, but she also didn't make us feel stupid. That feels like a mom is like, I have experienced these.

[A]

Things. Yeah. I'm closer to the veil. I think that's.

[B]

Why. Oh. Cause women are closer to the.

[A]

Veil. They're close. They be close to the.

[B]

Veil.

[A]

Yep. And we be at the veil.

[B]

Sometimes we be at the. Coming at you live from the.

[A]

Veil. From the veil. From the coffee shop. The standard coffee shop.

[B]

Casino. No one else in my family ever experienced anything paranormal in that house. But when I left for college. All right, we get it. You're well off. It took my parents.

[A]

Years. They're about to catch you. Busted right here. G by John says. I thought you didn't read the IG messages. Is he sending us stuff.

[B]

There? I don't know. I don't know what's happening.

[A]

There. He saw one from Bimbo Astrology and he's like, I'll read.

[B]

That. Well, when it says you make me cry, I mean number.

[A]

One. Yeah. First off, if your name tag is Bimbo.

[B]

Astrology.

[A]

Yeah. And then the like what comes up is you made me.

[B]

Cry. Hell.

[A]

Yeah. I'm clicking on it. Okay, what does that.

[B]

Say? Hold on. Wait.

[A]

Wait. What's GPI Jonathan saying? Better be good. What does he.

[B]

Say? I don't.

[A]

Know. What do you mean you don't.

[B]

Know? Check your Instagram. GPI Jonathan. All right, so what was it? Nobody else in my family. It took my parents years to sell the place. During that time, my mom would stop by the empty house every week to clean and make sure it looked good for.

[A]

Showings. So wait up. They left.

[B]

It. She's trying to sell it because her kids moved to college. They don't need a 16 bedroom.

[A]

House. So they just left it and bought another house. Well, there they wealthy, wealthy, rich. Let me look. Hold on. I could do a thing on Patreon to see how much she pays us a.

[B]

Month. Oh yeah, I would like to know. Search up Holly because that.

[A]

You. She doesn't.

[B]

Pay. It's not a three figure per month kind of a.

[A]

Deal. We're looking at you.

[B]

Holly. So it took him a long time to sell the place. She would show up and clean it. She told me that every single time she'd find piles of dead roaches on the basement staircase. Staircase. Like more than normal. She always got the same feeling of dread while picking them.

[A]

Up.

[B]

Free. She's a free member. Holly's a free.

[A]

Member. Or a $5.

[B]

Member. Holly. Holly, you have the money. We need your.

[A]

Money. Yeah. Holly, how we supposed to start this.

[B]

Cult? How we supposed to be in the three seater.

[A]

McLaren?

[B]

Holly. Holly, come on. He doesn't watch anymore because we took probably six months to read.

[A]

This. No, this is. This is fairly.

[B]

Recent. Is it? No, I don't think it.

[A]

Is. Yeah, this is like reading. This is like Reading tweets from Charlie Kirk. All right. Right. Isn't that weird when Charlie Kirk tweets from Charlie Kirk is a banger.

[B]

Podcast. Yeah. Yeah, that is it. I feel like we. We come up with a lot of great. The idea that Austin Picard is not using. Still not doing the Austin Report is so.

[A]

Crazy. I think it's because, like, he said he just drags his.

[B]

Feet. Well, I think, like, he's got.

[A]

Like, a size 17 shoe when he came to the house. Big, big feet. Yeah, it's like. Like that clown from the.

[B]

Simpsons.

[A]

Yeah. Big yellow.

[B]

Feet. You know what they say about guys with big.

[A]

Feet. Great.

[B]

Podcast. Need new microphones. Can't have both. Can't have big.

[A]

Feet. I was.

[B]

Seriously. And good.

[A]

Microphone. I will brand all of his shit if he changes to the Austin.

[B]

Report. He is a guy, I will admit, like, should be taken seriously. Yeah. So if you have a show called the Austism Report, you would really think, like, that's comedy. When this dude is just laying down shit that will kind of ruin.

[A]

Your life, then it should just be like the Austin Picard show or the Austin Picard Report. Apr.

[B]

Now.

[A]

Apr.

[B]

Apr. As opposed to like.

[A]

Npr.

[B]

Yeah. All.

[A]

Right. And brand it like that. It's on the nose. All right. Guys with big feet. As a lie says.

[B]

Rebsims. Well, I mean, I've seen Austin's penis. It's.

[A]

Huge.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. All.

[B]

Right. Where was that? I lost my.

[A]

Place. Now, no one else in my family.

[B]

Experience. Nobody else in my family put Dominus in it. There's a lot of cockroaches on the staircase. Like, more than normal. She always got the same feeling of dread when she was picking him up. She blamed.

[A]

Him. Why was she picking them.

[B]

Up? Well, because you. You showing up to. To clean the place because you got to show it. You know what I mean? So she shows up periodically to clean it. Every time she shows up picking them up, there's a disturbing amount of.

[A]

Cucarachas. My wife is.

[B]

Like. My.

[A]

Wife. My wife is terribly afraid of. Of roaches. And my kids got fake roaches, and they just been putting them in her bags. They put them.

[B]

Everywhere. And that's.

[A]

Funny. It's very funny. Every so often you hear a scream. I'm like, they got. They got her again. Got.

[B]

Her. I like.

[A]

That.

[B]

Yeah. Where was I? So there's all these roaches. She blamed it on empty nest nerves, but honestly, I think she feels the spirit too. So basically saying she's creeped out when she has to clean up these. These Roaches. And she's saying, because empty nest nerves. I don't really know what that.

[A]

Means. Empty nest is when your kids leave the.

[B]

House. Yeah, but empty nest nerves, like.

[A]

You'Re feeling freaky, freaked out because freaky, feeling nasty. Your mom. What the fuck? Holly's mom. Holly's mom is good at going.

[B]

Probably. I mean.

[A]

She. Now you know what though, right? Say like middle aged woman like that.

[B]

Woman.

[A]

Woman. Yeah, older. Middle aged woman like that probably take good care of themselves that have their wealthy. Their. Their husband works in a corporate setting. He's probably not home that often. She probably has a personal.

[B]

Trainer. She's probably trying to. Oh my God.

[A]

Dude. Okay, if this is too.

[B]

Much. No, I'm not going to say any names, but I know of somebody that like had a. Had a boyfriend. They had a kid. As soon as the kid was born, within the first year, they closed on their first.

[A]

House. And then she about to tell me a bad.

[B]

Story. Yeah, dude. And then she was like, got to get this body back in shape. Started going to the thing. Got a personal.

[A]

Trainer. Oh.

[B]

No. Fucked. A personal.

[A]

Trainer. Don't let your wife do.

[B]

Jujitsu. Don't let your wife do.

[A]

Jujitsu.

[B]

No. And that's a thing like. And then basically. And also the personal trainer is a wigger with, with gold grills. Oh, and now, now they've separated and. And then this dude, this is. This, this baby's gold grills. Gold grills. This baby's like only a year old.

[A]

Right? Oh, I think you've told me about this.

[B]

Person. And now, now they're separated and immediately already wager with the gold grills is taking pictures with the baby on his shoulders.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Huh? Yeah, you got that.

[B]

One. And it gets crazy too, because dudes like, yo, can we just meet? Like, you're around my son. I got to know who you are. We gotta meet. And you know what? The wigger so like, nah, son. Wigger's like, why would I meet.

[A]

You? Why would I meet you? No. No.

[B]

Regrets. But then baby on his.

[A]

Shoulders. Damn, boy, this kid, this kid's getting.

[B]

Heavy. Boy, bro, not a lot of things would cause me because I. Because as far as I'm concerned, I would look at it as like, hey, I dodged a bullet. Whatever, I'm free. You know what I mean? Like, life is beautiful. I got this beautiful baby. I got a house that I'd.

[A]

Be like, yo, come over here, take care of your.

[B]

Kid. I'd be like, no, I'm not doing this. Yeah, but as soon as the wigger with the gold grill starts carrying my son around on his.

[A]

Shoulders. Hey, 40% of.

[B]

Ladies.

[A]

Yeah. You.

[B]

Listening? Stop.

[A]

That. Cut it out. Don't do.

[B]

That. That's crazy. Yeah, that's crazy.

[A]

Work. It's crazy. I really have another man in your guard.

[B]

Bang. Well, Jiu.

[A]

Jitsu. Yeah.

[B]

That'S. You know what I don't like is with the times that I've done jiu jitsu and then they've been like, all right, get into, like, you know, close guard. Get into your opponent's guard. Okay, now listen to me. I'm going to tell you what to do, and then you're just sitting there with a dude, missionary.

[A]

Style. That's why I'm Do Jiu.

[B]

Jitsu. Yeah, I just realized it's kind.

[A]

Of. I stopped. I'd rather get punched in the.

[B]

Face. Yeah, yeah. The punching is better. It's. It's less.

[A]

Gay. Way less.

[B]

Gay. The hell is giggling out there? Anywho, I do want to see what people say about that, though. Raven on the small screen looks like he's.

[A]

Wearing. I wonder. This is. I'm going to do everything I can to lose female.

[B]

Viewers. I think the more we try to. The more they show up. I mean, look at. We've said some pretty horrifying things and, like, the percentage has gone.

[A]

Up. Yeah. I say horrible things to my wife, and I think she likes me more. Maybe this works. Maybe. You know what it is? They just like to be talked down.

[B]

To. You got to hit them a.

[A]

Little bit verbally, not verbally. Okay, that's enough. See, like, they're. Kick us out the coffee.

[B]

Shop.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Painkillers. I was hopelessly addicted to painkillers. No, dude, we didn't even get there yet. She blamed it on empty nest vibes. And now that I'm writing all this out, I just remembered another weird moment in a Victoria with Victoria in that house. We were in fourth grade at the.

[A]

Time. Oh, my.

[B]

God. I think I got a booger playing in the secret room that was adjacent to the long hallway that was across from my father's butler closet at the desk with the. With the family.

[A]

Desk. Next to the front.

[B]

Yard. Next to the front yard. The second front yard. So.

[A]

So. So place the front yard. That's. That's in front of the. The hedge.

[B]

Maze. Yes. Yeah. If you can get through the hedge maze and past the minotaur. The. So my mother was mowing the front yard. My dad and sister must have been gone because it was just us and my mom. Anyway, we're in that little crawl space and suddenly both of us get the same feeling, like something was watching us. Of course, being dramatic 10 year olds, we convinced ourselves it was Chucky. Literally my biggest.

[A]

Fear. Maybe it's just like rich white woman.

[B]

Nerves. Could be. I'm fine with, you know, chalking it up to that. We crawled out of there so fast and sprinted outside screaming. My mom stopped mowing, was like, what the hell? And we were just yelling, Chucky is in the secret room. That's a good. That's a. It should be called Chucky in the Secret Room. It should be the name of the.

[A]

Episode. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. She definitely thought we were retarded, so she kept mowing. But we stayed on the driveway until she finished because we didn't want to go back inside. Now I'm going to tell you about how I was addicted to painkillers. The next.

[A]

Month. What the hell.

[B]

Man? November 2010. You know what? I do want to tell a quick story. So I listened to like a lot of. No, this one's not a dream.

[A]

Okay? It's a.

[B]

Story. It's a story. So one time I remember this day because it was overshadowed by another event where if this other event didn't happen, I would remember this more readily, like what actually happened. But we left, we went. You used to go hang out at the mall, you know, like teenagers. We'd hang out at the mall together and we would, you know, fish money out of the fountain so that we could change the coins into dollar bills so that we could then buy weed from the weed person and then we could smoke. So we had had a successful day of fishing coins out of the thing. We had gotten our weed. We had rolled up a blunt and we went on a walk and I think my cousin was there and I got to talk to him to see if he remembers his cousin. Yeah. And so we basically drove around in one of our friends cars. You know, you have a friend who has a car, so he's a designated driver, dude. We found a place where we could get out and smoke and we started walking like on this path kind of into the woods. I wouldn't call it the woods. It was a small, you know, area with trees, woods, whatever. So the reason I don't remember this as often as I should is because that day there was a shooting at the mall that we were just at. So that's what overshadowed. It was like, yo, we were just at the mall. But we found out that there was a shooting at the mall immediately after a really Bizarre event. We're walking down this. It's this path in the woods is like. There's like. It's more like hedges instead of trees. So you really can't penetrate the tree line on either side. And the path is about enough. Wide enough for, like, two people to be side by side, so very narrow. And you're not doing that because if you are side by side, you're be brushing into the hedge.

[A]

Line.

[B]

Yeah. So we get, like, decently far down this path, and all of a sudden there's like. There was a lot of us. There was like. Think we had met up with other friends there. So there was like, more than six people. Right. And all of a sudden, something comes out of the hedge line, and it's.

[A]

Huge. It's a black.

[B]

Baby. No, we thought it was a.

[A]

Bear.

[B]

Hmm. On its hind.

[A]

Legs. That look.

[B]

Spooky? I don't think.

[A]

So. I don't think it looks.

[B]

Spooky. It just.

[A]

Looks. Yeah, it's a little.

[B]

Nice. I like.

[A]

It.

[B]

Yeah. Well, just doing really creative things with the lights in here, but, yeah, we thought it was a.

[A]

Bear.

[B]

Okay. That came out on its hind legs, which is Edison, New Jersey. I guess you could have black bear. They're not gonna be that big, though. Black bear really aren't that big. And this thing was fucking huge. It's just a big.

[A]

Silhouette. And you're just remembering this now for no.

[B]

Reason? I don't remember why I remembered it. Anywho. So it comes out of the hedge line, and then, like, we all run. And there's dudes and chicks. Right. No heroes among us. And I was very fast. I left everybody. I was blowing past.

[A]

People. Hear that.

[B]

Ladies? I'm not saving out of.

[A]

Here.

[B]

We're. We're gonna. You're gonna die. Not.

[A]

Me.

[B]

Yeah. I have a podcast to do. It's my.

[A]

Destiny.

[B]

Amen. I got a podcast. You're gonna die. We all run. Like, everybody runs. And I feel like I could hear it, like, moving, you know, through shit. I never heard, like, a roar or noise from it or anything like that. But I. You, you know, got the sense all this, the sound accompanied with a really big thing chasing. You was.

[A]

There.

[B]

Yeah. And we hauled ass. We get out of this, like, tree line area and out onto the road, and we run down the road, and then we finally, like, catch our breaths, you know, palms on our knees. And then all of a sudden, our phone rings. Somebody's phone rings, and everybody starts getting calls. There's been a shooting at the mall. All the homies are like hitting up everybody's different cell phone. So like immediately overshadowed by.

[A]

This.

[B]

Damn. Was like you want there? Because we were all hanging out cuz we were all.

[A]

Faggots. You know like how alien stuff works. Like you'll see. You'll see like a UFO or something like.

[B]

That.

[A]

Yeah. And then immediately you just like the next.

[B]

Thing. I got to talk to Gabe and see if he was there for that. I remember. But it was weird, man. It was weird because I thought I saw something super big. Like a big outline of a big ass thing. Like. And it was just like bear. Oh my God, it's a.

[A]

Bear. So like we totally just like.

[B]

Maybe, maybe could have been a bear. It's not out of the realm of possibilities. It is, you know, it's New Jersey is a black bear.

[A]

Thing.

[B]

Yeah. Maybe it wasn't as big as I remembered it being, but it didn't do a bear.

[A]

Noise. You seen it? You seen a dog? Bear, Dog.

[B]

Interesting. A dog bear. Man, man bear. Pig. Anyway, the next month, November 2010, I had to get oral surgery. One of my teeth was literally growing sideways because I'm all messed up. And my orthodontist had a surgeon attack attach a tiny chain to it so that they can slowly crank it down into place like some medieval torture device. That's crazy. I got into surgery around 10:30am But I would not wake up. My poor mom sat in the waiting room for over two hours while the nurse kept trying to shake me awake. Eventually, the two of them basically hauled me to the car like a floppy rag.

[A]

Doll. She's.

[B]

Fine. She just flopped. Bring her.

[A]

Home. Bring it to one of the.

[B]

Rooms. Yeah, put her in the room that's adjacent to the pantry room above the butler's living quarters. And as soon as I was in the passenger seat, I fell asleep again. Somehow my mom managed to drag me inside and onto the couch in the man cave. See, he's just very room.

[A]

Specific. Well, it's because she's like. Because you're.

[B]

10. Yeah, that's true too. You're not that heavy. Come on. Where I continued to sleep until like 8pm Damn, it's a long ass time. Meanwhile, my sister had to beg a ride home from a classmate because my mom couldn't have left me alone in the house looking like a corpse. Dang. She said she kept coming over to me every half hour to check if I was.

[A]

Breathing. Yeah, look at the lighting in this place. Come on.

[B]

Dude. Yeah, fucking great.

[A]

Lighting. We got.

[B]

Lights. So many.

[A]

Lights. Mad.

[B]

Lights. Literally putting her hand under my nose because I looked dead. They had put me on Vicodin and I was all fucked up. Surgery was on Thursday and on Saturday my sister had her 17th birthday party at Dave and Buster's with some rich.

[A]

Bullshit. Rich friends.

[B]

Only. Rich. You go to Dave and.

[A]

Buster's. It's.

[B]

Expensive. It is expensive. It's really not that.

[A]

Great.

[B]

No. Like to have an arcade nowadays doesn't make any sense. We don't have all the classic games that we had growing up. Now all arcade games suck.

[A]

Ass. My kids love to go to the.

[B]

Arcade. Yeah, because it's lights and it's colors and it's all that noise and shit. But it.

[A]

Sucks. Like Donnie from you get to play for three seconds and then you die and you're like, fuck, it sucks. We should burn down the.

[B]

Arcade. I agree. High out of my skull.

[A]

High. She's at Dave and.

[B]

Bus. I'm high. As I spent around the entire time and there was not the word around in there. I spent the entire time at one single.

[A]

Game. The entire entire is actually italicized Italian storm.

[B]

Stopper. The one where the light goes around in a circle and you got to hit the button right as it lands on.

[A]

Jackpot. Oh, she probably saw that in the light going in slow.

[B]

Motion. And I swear to you, in my Vicodin haze, I was convinced the pain meds had given me superpowers because I hit the jackpot every single time. Yeah, I'm not exaggerating. I knew the exact millisecond to press the button. Somewhere in an old memory card at my parents house is a photo of me with arms full of tickets, smiling with my mouth full of braces like she needed them. I used the tickets to get a giant Peter Griffin doll. But that didn't matter because my family was rich and we could buy me all the Peter Griffin dolls I ever wanted. We had a Peter Griffin doll in every single one of my 18 rooms in my father's.

[A]

Mansion. It's crazy. It's crazy that this is even in the.

[B]

Story. This is a fucking wild.

[A]

Story. You wanted us to read this to.

[B]

Matt? Geez, man. I don't remember how long I was on the medication. My mom would keep it from me and give it to me as I needed, but I was already.

[A]

Hooked.

[B]

Hooked.

[A]

Hooked. Line. Perhaps.

[B]

Sinker. One night she went to take a walk around the neighborhood and I immediately went digging around in her purse to get another pill out. She came back and found me struggling to open the lid. It was a child safety lid and I was.

[A]

Retarded. I was too high.

[B]

Also. I guess that's what she said. She's a great mom. So she flushed the pills. That night. I had a classmate named Kyle who definitely did Vicodin. And he sat behind me in English class, not Egypt class. And when I told him everything, he said he could get more from his mom's medicine cabinet. I predicted that shit because his name is.

[A]

Kyle.

[B]

Yep. I told him no. I was already ashamed of what my mom had caught me doing. And I think some part of me finally understood how dangerous the path could get. Unfortunately, Kyle was a piece of shit and he died of a drug overdose six years later. That's crazy. Why would you call him a piece of shit?

[A]

How? Rest in peace.

[B]

Kyle. I added the piece of shit part. Holly didn't say.

[A]

That. That's it for.

[B]

Now. I have more to tell you. My prodig. Prodigy Girl. Prodigal. Prodigal son Era. Prodigal daughter, Spice Girl.

[A]

Story. That's the.

[B]

Yeah. You bitch. And the cancer demon.

[A]

Attacks.

[B]

What? But I'll send that separately so that doesn't turn into a 13 page novel. Stay tuned for part two. Holly, you're a bitch of magnificent proportions. Yeah, why would you tell us that? Lay out of your father's house for fucking an hour and 30 minutes and then be like, I got a Spice Girl story, a cancer demon story, and all kinds of other.

[A]

Shit. It's crazy. This is what happens when you have an audience of woman.

[B]

Woman. 40% woman. 90% of the episode is the layout of your.

[A]

House. 90% is a Zillow.

[B]

Listing. What the. What.

[A]

The. Hey, I enjoyed.

[B]

It. No, I enjoyed.

[A]

It. I enjoyed it, though, a little bit at your expense. I don't think she's going to listen.

[B]

Anymore. No, she probably isn't. I mean, if she's a free.

[A]

Member.

[B]

Freemason. You Freemason?

[A]

Holly. We should start calling her.

[B]

Freemason. I mean, we're only an hour and 30 minutes in. You want to read part.

[A]

Two? No. My. My. My kids are out, so you hear.

[B]

Them. That's true. Your children are outside this.

[A]

Door. Let's start reading part two. Where's part another? I got, like, another 10.

[B]

Minutes. All right, well, let's see how many pages this one.

[A]

Is. It's going to be another.

[B]

Seven. It's.

[A]

11. All right, let's read some of it because I need to know some of.

[B]

It. All right, do you want me.

[A]

To fucking start playing with cocaine midgets? Are you kidding.

[B]

Me? Cocaine midgets? You. Hey, Holly. This.

[A]

Is. This was the one. See, I actually suggested guys go back to the beginning of this.

[B]

Episode. I said, this is. Start with the cocaine.

[A]

Midgets. Yeah. Something in my body was.

[B]

Stirring. Something in your spirit was like, this is about to be.

[A]

Bad. Not bad. I thought it was.

[B]

Good. No, it was good. She writes really.

[A]

Well. I just think she talks too.

[B]

Much. Here's part two. I'll start with the Home Depot stuff because honestly, I find it to be hilarious and I love telling people about it. And then I'll get into the heavier stuff. I'm really excited to hear Matt's straight bible on some of this. I love it. Well, you're very.

[A]

Presumptuous. Maybe we should save it. Should we save it for Matt? No, Matt would want to.

[B]

Hear. No, she doesn't deserve.

[A]

That. It would. It would be a long time until he could do it though. Perhaps key sauce. All right, we'll read it. We'll tell Matt about it.

[B]

After. Probably not. I mentioned in part one that my dad worked for the Home depot for over 30 years and that's. That's the salary he afforded a 32 bedroom house.

[A]

On. What did they do at Home.

[B]

Depot? I don't fucking.

[A]

Know. Some stuff's expensive.

[B]

Actually. I gotta.

[A]

Get. I'm gonna get Gabe a little.

[B]

Present. Are you.

[A]

Really? Yeah. What is he like? He does.

[B]

Woodworking. Yeah, he loves.

[A]

Wood. Maybe I'll just get.

[B]

Him. He's a big wood.

[A]

Guy. Small piece of.

[B]

Wood. Why are we still reading from Holly? Cuz. C Dub, C dub. We didn't organize this at all. We have no idea who sent what. So we're just going with.

[A]

This? We're supposed to have Austin on austism. We're gonna read another couple of minutes of this and then we're gonna shut it.

[B]

Down. Okay. So Holly's daddy worked at a Home Depot for 30 years. It sounds strange to say, but the place was basically the backdrop of my ent childhood. Saturdays were spent at those kids workshops while he worked. Or my sister and I would tag along when he had to walk a store as a dm. Oh, he was a district.

[A]

Manager.

[B]

Okay. Turning the garden section into our personal.

[A]

Place. What my kids are doing in.

[B]

The coffee shop right now currently, which is fine. Literally a Home Depot.

[A]

Baby. My dad was ripping the pages out of Leonard.

[B]

Ravenhill. Did you hear that? That actually sounded like something just.

[A]

Broke. Yeah, I.

[B]

Know. Which is.

[A]

Fine. It's not my.

[B]

Shop. My dad was an assistant store manager. Not my electricity, not my.

[A]

Problem. I don't care. I only I'm only 10% part of.

[B]

Here. What do you guys think? I would love to see your opinions on it. Matt is trying to negotiate for some sort of, you know, payment which I don't know if he deserves that, but he, he seems to think that he can negotiate for.

[A]

10%. We should make him do it in front of.

[B]

Everybody. I think.

[A]

So. Like struggle.

[B]

Session. 10%. Do you guys think that he's worthy of 10%? When. Where does Austin live? Can he come in now? He lives in like on the.

[A]

Other side of the.

[B]

Country. Yes, in friend Angeles.

[A]

Louisiana.

[B]

Probably. That's.

[A]

It. I don't.

[B]

Know. He's coming here. Whatever, I don't.

[A]

Care. Honestly. We should dox.

[B]

Holly. We should docs Holly. Why kind of would think we.

[A]

Did. I think she house doxed us.

[B]

What? She did, she just house shamed.

[A]

Us. House shamed? Yeah. I mean I got like a. I got a scullery in my.

[B]

House. A.

[A]

What? An extra kitchen.

[B]

And. Oh, and behind the.

[A]

Kitchen. Yeah, it's like an accidental extra kitchen. It's not like I put it there to be pretentious like Timothy Alberino.

[B]

Would. Oh, he would definitely do.

[A]

That. He was just there already. Like when I bought it. I was like, fuck, what are you gonna do with.

[B]

This? Did you know that Albarino, his house is big enough that he hires help, but for whatever reason, and this isn't like a judgment thing, this is just like an observation thing. All of the help is.

[A]

Black, plus one for Timothy.

[B]

True. Yeah, I'll allow.

[A]

It. But I mean, listen, our boss is the same.

[B]

Way. How much business have you bought him? That's a great question.

[A]

Jonathan. Like.

[B]

Zero. Now we've bought him a fair bit of business and I think it's canceled out his percentage that.

[A]

He. That he's lost. Yeah, how much? How much business have we lost him? Well, that's a hard question.

[B]

Really. These old people didn't buy.

[A]

Him. They don't like. They don't like me, they don't like.

[B]

It. But they also don't buy coffee. He has like people, he's just like, you can use this space for free. They come in in droves, like 20. And they don't even buy.

[A]

Coffee. There's a guy that does come back here and he takes big shits. And then he goes and he tells Matt, he goes, you're out of the toilet.

[B]

Paper. Yeah. And then he doesn't buy. So he comes in, doesn't buy a coffee, takes a big. And then is like, you need to fucking get some toilet Paper in.

[A]

There. He's like, I sprayed. I sprayed a lot of Lysol in.

[B]

There. It's.

[A]

Bad. I think we lost him. More business than we've gained.

[B]

Him. I don't know if that's.

[A]

True. I think. I think that we could say the same for.

[B]

Him. Yes. A lot of people have left because of Matt. Yeah, people don't like show. When he first came on and we started doing episodes, we saw a 32% decrease in Patreon.

[A]

Subscriptions. Yes. They're like, you guys got Clint with.

[B]

Hair. Clint with.

[A]

Hair. I was like, yeah, well, I.

[B]

Mean, you know, we couldn't afford the non hair.

[A]

Version. We couldn't keep doing this show by ourself. We had to have another person with more.

[B]

Hair. That's true. Z man says flip a coin. The old people who were the stopped coming or.

[A]

Died. Thank you. I know, I know.

[B]

Scott. Yeah. I don't like this. You know that Chuck has changed his. Who's his favorite.

[A]

Now? No, he.

[B]

Didn'T. Yeah, no, he.

[A]

Didn'T. Chuck called.

[B]

Me. You know who it is? He said it this.

[A]

Morning. Is Matt.

[B]

Now. No. Who said it's.

[A]

Nancy. Nancy's not even part of the show.

[B]

Anymore. I know. She just does. Like, she's not even.

[A]

Here. Guys, who's your.

[B]

Favorite? Yeah, who's your favorite? And be honest. And don't say it's.

[A]

Top. And be honest. And I should like, is Matt part of the.

[B]

Show? Yeah, let us know if Matt's part of the.

[A]

Show. And then also, who's your.

[B]

Favorite? And also, who's your favorite? Okay, let's continue reading. I'm a Home Depot.

[A]

Baby. I hate.

[B]

That. My dad was an assistant store manager in San Diego. He hired my mom because he thought she was hot. And the two of them started secretly seeing each other. Nice. And when things got serious, he transferred stores so they could actually date without breaking any rules.

[A]

Smart. She do at the.

[B]

Store?

[A]

Him. Oh, let's see.

[B]

Now. Let it build up. Okay, well, don't look at it yet. Let it build up. And guys, be honest and don't. Don't let him threaten you into saying him.

[A]

Okay? I'm right in front of.

[B]

You. I didn't. You know, you get nasty, dude. And these people know that you'll met. You'll message them and you'll say nasty things. You're like. You're just like the.

[A]

Jews. So people think I'm gonna message them.

[B]

Disgusting. That's true. That's.

[A]

True. Put your votes.

[B]

In. They got married. Next thing you know My sister and I were born. Thank you for your whole life story. My dad started at the very bottom as an hourly worker and hustled non stop for promotions and because he was determined to take every opportunity.

[A]

Good. Amy comments on Patreon and she just goes, raven is my favorite heart. Amy's the one, but Amy's the one that doesn't like.

[B]

Matt. Is that the same.

[A]

Chick? Same.

[B]

Chick. I don't think so. We said some things.

[A]

That. I said some things to her because she's a.

[B]

Woman. Okay, let's watch your mouth. Matt brings the Bible to the show, which.

[A]

Is. See that.

[B]

One? Are you sure it's the same one? I don't think it's the same.

[A]

One. Same Amy. Raven is my.

[B]

Favorite. Jim says, I forgive top for being Puerto.

[A]

Rican. Delete this.

[B]

Comment. No, don't. Keep it for posterity. I still kind of Ms. TLC, but I'll get over it. Stop it, Kate. Right, let's go. No, we have to read.

[A]

Now. Who likes more? Look, Amy says thumbs down for Matt. Amy, you're fitting in right with our.

[B]

Demographic. That's.

[A]

True. Nasty.

[B]

Woman. These are nasty ladies. Okay, all right. Where.

[A]

Was. I mean.

[B]

Okay. My dad started as a bottom who worked really hard. We moved a lot when I was little. We went from Northern California, where I was born. Fairfield. Okay. To middle of nowhere Arkansas, then suburban Texas, then Louisiana, then back to suburban Texas and eventually to Georgia when he finally made it to the corporate offices. Moving on.

[A]

Up. She's honey dicking us right.

[B]

Now. Yeah, dude, there's no stories. Cocaine, midgets. You.

[A]

Bitch. Three paragraphs. You said.

[B]

That. No, Yanette, you're not allowed to love us equally. It has to be one or the other different. Top has me blocked on so many.

[A]

Platforms. Who said.

[B]

That? Net. And.

[A]

You.

[B]

Who? I think that's why.

[A]

We. Q. Yeah. Oh.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You're probably an.

[B]

Asshole. I think that's Q.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. No matter what name he changes, I always know who he is. Okay, so.

[A]

Matt, my dad started at the as a bottom hourly worker who hustled. Hustle, hustle, hustle to the top. Oh, Matt's.

[B]

Here. You want to negotiate for your pay? You want to negotiate for your pay on.

[A]

Screen? Get in.

[B]

Here. What do you want? Here's a good.

[A]

Question. We're taking it. We're taking a.

[B]

Survey. You've seen a bump in. In. In revenue since we've arrived and we're taking that out of your.

[A]

Check. Come.

[B]

Here. Yeah.

[A]

Come. Come here. So people can see your stupid.

[B]

Face. Yeah, we have some new ones that call in. No.

[A]

But.

[B]

Careful. But the. But.

[A]

The. The. Squat down. Squat.

[B]

Down. Squat down and get your eagle.

[A]

On.

[B]

So. No, look, I want to squat.

[A]

Down real quick and.

[B]

Talk. Look, the people who you've lost, they didn't buy stuff to begin with. Correct or incorrect? Incorrect. All right? That was a lie. And the people that have shown up are actual patrons of your shop. Correct. Understand what you're getting at. What are you. What is. We're trying to figure out what's a fair amount to pay you. Do you.

[A]

Think. Do you think Timothy Alberino. Do you think Timothy Albarino uses the words per. Adventure.

[B]

Perhaps? No, this doesn't. Permaculture. You mean permaculture. No, dude, listen. You're trying to get a stiff.

[A]

10%, we're going to kick you out.

[B]

Of here, and that's too much money. No, and I think that's too much money. I agree. And so what I'm trying to figure out is that. No, don't leave. Okay? If so, it's very old. No, we don't. We know you can do squats, but.

[A]

You. Oh, you hurt his.

[B]

Knees. I did. They popped and cracked. This dude's going to blow a hammy right in front of me. We're.

[A]

Asking. We're asking them who's our favorite? Amy has chimed in in the chat. She said Raven is her favorite. Does not. Doesn't like.

[B]

Matt. Okay, well, I'm gonna go through the chat. Let's see. Sparrow says 3.33% is what you should be getting paid. I think that's fine. Matt, thumbs.

[A]

Down. Thumbs down.

[B]

Matt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

[A]

That. No money. No money for Matt. She.

[B]

Says. John Diaz says you guys send it something else to say. Wait, that chick hates me.

[A]

Bro. Here's what.

[B]

Happened. Melchizedek says.

[A]

Raven. Hold on, hold.

[B]

On. Did she just hate God? Is that. Can you. Oh, my God. Don't accuse that. No, if.

[A]

You. This is very.

[B]

Jewish. What is it? If you hate me, you must hate God. You hate me, you must hate science. I'm just saying, like, right away, she hated what I was doing, like, a medium. Sparrow says Mr. Nasty is my.

[A]

Favorite. You're.

[B]

Right. Keisha Bear says top. So we're having, like, a popularity contest. Queen Latina says I am here for the.

[A]

Woman. We're asking why so many women?

[B]

Watch. This is.

[A]

Nice. That is a great part of the show.

[B]

Thanks. I don't like this Chanel blapio. I like Raven, but I respect Top.

[A]

More. That's what I That's what I desire. I don't ask I don't care if you like me I want your.

[B]

Respect. He man wrote me a music and I still haven't heard it. I'm not gonna play it for you because you're nasty. I resonate with David because his story reminds me of mine. Thank you.

[A]

Elohim. Who do you like.

[B]

Though? Mr. Nasty. And yes, Matt is part of the show. All right.

[A]

Fine. Okay.

[B]

Yep. Queef Latina, says Holly. Wow.

[A]

Explicit. Well, first off, let's explain what happened. Holly wrote a story for you. She wanted you to break. She wanted you to break it down. But Matt, this story. This story has just been a description of her.

[B]

House. Did you already do.

[A]

It? Six pages we've read. Well, we're reading the second part and it's more description of her.

[B]

House.

[A]

What? She's super rich and that's really.

[B]

It. Oh, she has 18 rooms in her father's.

[A]

Mansion. The name of this one is called Cocaine.

[B]

Midgets. And she's Texas. Right. Keisha Berry, Texan, says, I don't like when Matt wines. So she probably doesn't like you because that's all you.

[A]

Do. No, no, she likes.

[B]

You. Go 10. 10. I need 10%.

[A]

Yeah. All right, so what are we saying? You guys.

[B]

Like. How about 10 of the electric bill? Can they even hear me.

[A]

Or. No, no, no, just stop.

[B]

Talking. Yeah.

[A]

Please. They like me better, I think, is what they're.

[B]

Saying. No, I don't think so. I think mostly it was come for the gas. Votes for me. Yeah, I think it was mostly votes for me, which is understandable and I would have expected that too. Can you get back to work at 3 o'? Clock? I can come in, but are.

[A]

You guys going to still be.

[B]

On? No, probably not. And I think you should make brown.

[A]

Water. Raven is my favorite. The girl says Raven, my favorite. Matt deserves $6 million. Matt's the best. No, no, no. Between me, it's basically me and.

[B]

David. Does anybody follow the cult of conspiracy? Guys, is that chick a witch? Did he. Did he get rid of. Well, I thought he got rid of John. I guess they stopped doing a show together, Whatever. But did he. Is there now a.

[A]

Witch? Who's the Justin Timberlake of the.

[B]

Show? I don't know. I don't know who else was on In.

[A]

Sync. I'm not the. I'm not the chubby gay.

[B]

Dude. The one was that.

[A]

Boys. I don't know. There's this Backstreet Boys. That guy has a heart. Heart problem. The other guy Looks like a.

[B]

Goat who came from Backstreet.

[A]

Boys. You're the bad. You're the bad boy from Backstreet Boys. You know the guy? Yes, you are. What's his.

[B]

Name? With the facial hair? What? What? Yeah, but who the hell came out of Backstreet Boys? Justin Timberlake came out in.

[A]

NSync. This show is off the.

[B]

Rails. Big career. And then. And then nobody came out of Backstreet Boys, huh? As big as they were, that's you.

[A]

Who? Hold on. We'll pull it up right.

[B]

Here. Oh, no. Nick Carter was 98 degrees Sparrow. Come.

[A]

On. No, that's Nick Carter.

[B]

That's. I like Kate. Look, Kate says, I don't care for.

[A]

Matt. This guy is.

[B]

You. Wow. I got to admit, that's.

[A]

Pretty. This guy has a heart problem. This guy's the goat.

[B]

Dude. The goat.

[A]

Dude. This guy is Nick Carter's.

[B]

Brother. What's the goat dude.

[A]

Mean? He's just got it because he's got a goatee. He looks like a.

[B]

Goat. Oh.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. And then that guy. I don't know any of their names. I think this one's.

[B]

Brian. No, my wife says Nick Carter was Backstreet Boys. Nick Carter was 98.

[A]

Degrees. Aaron Carter is his.

[B]

Brother.

[A]

Huh? This is. This doesn't matter. Let's just read about the cocaine thing, and then we're gonna get out of.

[B]

Here. All right? This is taking too long. My dad started as a bottom, but once he hit a certain level, promotion stopped. And he has a lot of integrity and very strong biblical morals and upper. Upper leadership. Definitely knew he wasn't somebody who would play along with.

[A]

Him. Aaron.

[B]

Died. Aaron died. Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah. Aaron.

[B]

Who? Aaron Carter. Dude, that whole thing.

[A]

Got. That guy died. Oh, the brother. The one that sang the Pokemon theme song.

[B]

What? Aaron Carter sang the Pokemon theme.

[A]

Song. Not the original one, before the. Hold.

[B]

On. This is a.

[A]

Disaster. Oh, shit. Aaron Carter was a.

[B]

Mess. Yeah, but he, like. It got really weird. He accused somebody of BFING.

[A]

Him. This guy. Aaron Carter? Yeah, the face tattoos. He sang the Pokemon there. Let's look this up. No, he'll know. He.

[B]

Did. He didn't sing the.

[A]

Pokemon. He did, and it was a good one. Pokemon song. Yeah, he sang it for the original Pokemon.

[B]

Movie. Wait.

[A]

Brother. Yeah. Have some fun with the.

[B]

Funk. I'm sorry.

[A]

What? The first Pokemon.

[B]

Movie. Oh, I thought he's saying, that's a brother. My.

[A]

Brother. Now have some.

[B]

Fun. Tell me, what are we fighting.

[A]

For? I remember I had the cd.

[B]

Got to Stop this.

[A]

World. And I listening to that CD in my dad's Ford Focus. He had the 9 CD changer in the back and I listened to it non stop. So we burnt that out. Let's finish.

[B]

Reading. Oh, Netanyahu or Q says that Michael Jackson was ramming him.

[A]

Down. I don't believe that. He wouldn't do.

[B]

That. No, no, no, no. My wife, she said it. Nick Carter raped Aaron. Yeah, that's what he said. That's really your wife? Probably, yeah. She's now a Patreon member. She pays at the highest.

[A]

Tier. Mommy.

[B]

Tier. Mommy tear. Yeah, I think I actually did give her mommy too. So, yeah, she. Or he, he said that. And I'm not even like, I know it's hyperbolic and I know I say crazy things. I know I have a history of saying crazy things on the show. But he said he was BFed.

[A]

By. It's all about the he said, she.

[B]

Said. But me, I think you better.

[A]

Quit it reading this bullshit story. Come on, Holly. Okay, okay. You have, you have like one more paragraph to figure this.

[B]

Out. Okay, we got it. We got it. We got it. My dad started as a bottom. There we go. Okay. So they knew he wasn't gonna be down with any weird shit, so instead of moving up, they made him a bond. So they gave him huge rage raises and they shuffle him sideways or even down the ladder into roles with the same title or less responsibilities. By the time he left the company in 2020, he was back in a district manager role, making about 10 times what his regional manager boss was earning. Weird. Okay, after leaving in 2020, he went to work for hardware sales company, which meant he was still in and out of Home Depots all the time. His new company also participated in the annual Home Depot sales. Okay. Hey.

[A]

Hey. Finish.

[B]

It. What? Finish. Hey, what are we talking about, Holly? What are we talking.

[A]

About? Finish it.

[B]

Fuck. And the layout of this Home Depot. All right, so his new company, whatever, he was in and out of some. Some Home Depot sales conferences in Las Vegas every March. So we still ran into old colleagues pretty regularly. And in 2021, at one of those mixer events, he bumped into some former co workers. They were catching up when the guy casually asked, hey, did you hear about Arnold? My dad said, no. What happened to Arnold? And that's when the guy told him Arnold got fired. Holy.

[A]

Shit. Are you kidding.

[B]

Me? Apparently, a bunch of employees failed a random corporate drug test and they all threw him straight under the bus. That story came out. He'd been throwing these outrageous private parties. At these parties, he hired midgets as servers and had trays strapped to their heads. Trays that they use for cocaine. So he hired midgets to be servers, and they'd wear trays as hats, and he'd do cocaine off the.

[A]

Trays. It's kind of.

[B]

Dope. That's.

[A]

Awesome. Arnold sound.

[B]

Cool? Arnold is the man. Dude, that's the coolest shit ever. People would literally be sitting in their seats, chatting with one another, and then casually lean over and do lines off the heads of midgets. I don't know. I just thought that was hilarious. And I can't help but thank the good Lord above that my dad was never involved with snorting cocaine off the heads of.

[A]

Midgets. Let me tell you something really.

[B]

Quickly. That was a fucking unnecessary story. You could have just put that last paragraph in.

[A]

There.

[B]

Holly.

[A]

Holly.

[B]

Holly. We need to strike.

[A]

Her. I'm gonna. Holly, I'm gonna hit.