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- [00:01]
A
On this episode of Risk, you'll hear Tuesday, Thomas.
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So I'm dating an ex murderer having more orgasms than I've ever had in my life.
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Because ex murderers are preferable to, I guess, other kinds. And you'll hear David, who.
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And now he's using human excrement as a creative outlet.
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Cause excrement loves an outlet. And me, Kevin Allison, on the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share.
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Best thing that's ever happened to you.
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Financially. Go easy.
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Sold my car on Carvana.
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Amazing offer, really. I hit 200 on a scratcher.
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Did the scratcher come to your house
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and hand you a check?
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No.
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How many scratchers did you hit to get that? I hit a button on Carvana.com once.
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Okay, that's fair.
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It's like the lottery, except you always win.
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Not like the lottery at all, actually. Exactly.
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Inexplicably good offers worth bragging about. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up. These may apply.
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Welcome to the I Can't Sleep podcast with Benjamin Boster. If you're tired of sleepless nights, you'll love the I Can't Sleep podcast. I help quiet your mind by reading random articles from across the web to bore you to sleep with my soothing voice. Each episode provides enough interesting content to hold your attention, and then your mind lets you drift off. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. That's I Can't Sleep with Benjamin Boster.
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B
Oh, please, not that music. That music gives me nightmares from my childhood. Could we get something a little bit lighter? Some lighter music here? Are you a fan of true crime TV shows? And what about Unsolved Mysteries, the show that jump started all of our love of true crime. I'm Ellen Marsh. And I'm Joey Taranto.
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And we host, I Think Not a
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true crime comedy podcast. New episodes of I Think not are released every Wednesday, with bonus episodes out every Thursday on Patreon.
- [02:29]
A
Hey, do you have trouble sleeping?
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B
Who, me?
- [02:33]
A
Yes, you. Trouble sleeping? Oh, yeah, sometimes. I've just. Ever lost stuff on my mind. You should try the Sleepy Podcast.
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B
The what?
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A
The Sleepy Podcast. It's where host Otis Gray reads old books in a low, rhythmic voice to help you get to sleep. Classic books like Pride and Prejudice, Winnie the Pooh, Sherlock Holmes. Just softly read bedtime stories for grown ups. Okay. I mean, I need to run some errands. I'll listen to an episode in the car. I think you're really. No, dude. You shouldn't operate heavy machinery when you're listening to Sleepy. Oh dear. Well, let's just hope he gets home alive. But the bigger point I was trying to make, folks, is that for years, Sleepy has helped millions of people catch some much needed Z's and start their day off fresh and discover old books they didn't know they'd love. Whether you're having trouble sleeping or just like a good bedtime story, fluff up the cool side of your pillow and tune into Sleepy. Unless, yes, you're driving. I nod it off there. Yes sir. But listen, folks, you can listen to Sleepy on Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts new bedtime stories every week. All right, folks, this is Fine Smacker behind me now. If you need a smacker, they they do seem to be a fine one. Folks. We now have two dates for my online storytelling workshops starting this fall. On September 2nd, we'll start the one that will be eight Wednesday evenings in a row at 8:30pm Eastern Time. And on September 13th, we'll start the one that'll be eight Sunday mornings in a row at 10:00am Eastern Time. A student who's taken the workshops three times now said kevin creates a culture of acceptance and genuine encouragement where everyone and every story is truly welcome, from titillating to more ordinary. He genuinely champions them all. He makes us feel like we are all good enough. Yes, and I swear the workshops are so good for my own mental health. So email me at kevinriskdashow.com to learn more. Now. This episode is called Let Him Go. And to start things off, a story by Tuesday. Thomas, who I love so very much. I'd even go as far as to say whom I love so very much. You know, just to be formal about it. Here's Tuesday now with a story we
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call Don't Google Me. Here's the thing. I date a lot of awful men. Really, really terrible men. I think it's because of my dad. They say a woman dates and looks for a man that's like her dad. So let me just say right now if there's any guys out there who cheated on their baby's mama and got the they cheated with pregnant and started a new family. But the night that the baby's mama was going to get remarried, they came and put a gun to the baby's mama's head and tried to kidnap that child and then their brother in law ran up behind them and hit them over the head with a two by four and knocked them out cold and ran away with the baby's mama and the kid. They woke up before the cops came Screaming, I love you. I'll be back to get you. And didn't show up for 36 years. Come see me, look me up, tweet me, whatever you want to do, I'm there for you. So that kind of explains, like, you know, I always had trouble looking for boyfriends when the apps came out. Well, let me just preface by saying I really think they're weird. And the reason I think they're weird and toxic is because I grew up in the Generation Jones, Generation X era. And my mom always said to me, don't talk to strangers. Don't talk to strangers. It was repeated so much that when I was older, she looked at me and she said, why aren't you married? And I'm like, well, because I'm not attracted to my cousin. You wouldn't let me talk to anybody new. It still instilled in me, she would say, you talk to strangers, you end up on a milk carton. I mean, some things your mama does, they never leave you. Okay, so when the apps came out, I kind of fought that, because my line of thinking was, it's gonna help me weed out the crazies. It's gonna help me weed out the guys who fetishize me. Okay, see, here's the thing. I'm a trans woman and I live in la. I have years and years of experience with guys thinking I've gaslit them for being trans, that I'm lying to them. That just fetishized me. Cause they're on the DL. You name it, I've been through it. I remember one guy, after I told him I was trans, he looked at me and said, bullshit. Bullshit. Look at you. If you don't want to date me, just say you don't want to date me. Don't make up a cock and bull story like that. So I said to him, I said, so I don't want to date you. And he got mad and he screamed at me.
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Why?
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What's wrong with me? Nothing. Nothing. I always tell the guys before, you know, we kind of do the dirty. And I just think it's the right thing to do. I'm not going to tell them beforehand, but if we're going to get that close, they should know. There's always weird responses, but the one that I love the most is, oh, oh, you're a trans woman. Oh, I love trans women. Trans women are so beautiful. They're so kind, they're so brave. But I couldn't date you because that would be like putting a square peg in a round hole. Now, I don't know about you, but every vagina and asshole I've seen is pretty round, okay? So that means you probably have a medical condition you need to go see a doctor about right now. Cause if there's any square dicks out there, I need to know right away. And I think other women want to know, too. So, anyway, the apps, they afforded me a way to call all those morons out. You know, it gave me a chance to speak for a while to these guys on the actual app. You know, I would speak for a while to them on the app. And then when I felt comfortable, I give them my phone number. Because that also weeds out some of the idiots. Because, see, guys have a way when they have your phone number, they're like, well, I work odd hours, so I can only take the text from 2:30am to 4:15am in the morning. And that's when I'll answer you, you know? Or if you try to call, they never can talk to you. Then you know that they're not single. So I gotta call them out that way, too. So I give them a while on the phone, call them a couple times. If they pick up, there's less of a chance of them being attached. If they answer my text back within a reasonable time, I'm like, o, then there's probably not another person there. So on one of the apps, I found this guy, okay? He made me laugh. His pics were really hot. Fully clothed. He never sent me a dick pic, which is right then and there. That's a big plus. He kind of looked like Johnny Depp from Jump street, but older. But not like the real Johnny older, because the real Johnny older is like, you know, full of cigarette stains and despair. This guy looked like he led a pretty, you know, normal life. And I ended up feeling comfortable enough to give him my phone number. I decided, let's meet. So we agreed to meet at Union Station because neither one of us had a car. Now, not having a car was not a deal breaker for me. So you can kind of see that in and of itself what kind of guys I've had to deal with in the past, if that's not a deal breaker for me, he said, meet me at the escalators down by where the buses are at the other end of Union Station. And this is the first time I'd been into Union Station. And it's beautiful. I came in the front door where Amtrak is, where all that beautiful art deco is. The wood, you know, the windows, everything. And I was just like, oh, My God, this is so romantic. This is gorgeous. This is a Hollywood movie in the making. And I was like, okay, this is great. But then all of a sudden, I get a little trepidatious. I'm like, well, you know, wonder if I'm being catfished. And some, you know, Dom DeLuise looking guy comes up to me or something, and it doesn't look like the person. And I'm like, all this stuff started going through my mind, and I'm like, okay, but I'm here. Might as well do it. So I've got to the escalators. So I got on the down escalator and I'm going down. And as I'm going down, I look over and I see him. And he looks over, he's Tuesday. And he points at me. I'm like, yeah. So he goes to the top and I'm at the bottom, and we switched, and then I'm going up and he's coming down. And, you know, we did it one more time. And my whole thought was like, oh, my God, this is the best start of a rom com ever. My life's gonna be a rom com. This is. This is wonderful. And as we come down the third time, he's like, you stay there, I'm coming up. So we did. I really was having a good time already. And we ended up walking, like, to the fashion district, walking, you know, Olvera street, you know, just all around downtown. Spent the whole day together, got lunch and an early dinner. And it was so good, so good. I couldn't have expected anything more. He even wore a silver ring on every finger, which, in retrospect, should have been like a red flag. But that kind of was hot to me, you know, because it's that 80s thing. But so went home, called him up, spoke for, you know, a day or two, you know, a couple of times. And then, you know, we went out again. And then the third time, of course, you know, is the time you do the nasties. And I guess that's the rule. And I wanted to and he wanted to. So eventually, you know, we had sex. And oh, my God, it was like within the top two. Oh, it was so good. It was so good. I can't even. We did it everywhere, everywhere in the house, on every piece of furniture. He had this thing where, you know, he liked oral and I like giving it, and he loved to give it, and he would be doing it, and then before I knew it, his big arms were wrapped around me and had me flipped over. And I'm in A position where he's coming from behind. And I'm like, how did I get here? This is wonderful. I don't even know how this happened, you know? So when we'd go out on dates and stuff, we were doing it in alleys, we were doing it. You name it, we were doing it. The sex was incredible. Incredible. After a couple dates, though, you know, a couple times of that, he looked at me and he looked me right in the eye and he said to me, don't Google me. I want to be the one to tell you the truth. I know all the ladies out there are thinking, oh, those magic words. Don't Google me. And I'm just like, okay, sure, what's up? And he says to me, he says, I've been away for a while. And I'm like, okay, Florida. He's like, no, I've been away for a long while. I'm like, oh, you went to Europe? No. He's like, I'm really not catching this. He's like, no, I was away for 17 years and I had to wear orange. And I'm like, well, unless he time Traveled back to 1940s communist China, I kind of know what's happening right now. He was in jail. I'm like, oh, my God, Tuesday, you always pick him. You got a great picker, you know, what are you gonna do? And he said he was in jail because he belonged to a gang and he was the money collector and he went out to collect money and things went awry and he ended up killing somebody. And I'm like, oh, you gotta get this taken care of. You've gotta fix yourself. You live in la, You've gotta, like, I don't know, eat some kale, get a life coach. Tuesday, fix. Whatever your bad boy issue is, your daddy issues, you gotta stop it. And then all of a sudden, I thought, well, you know what? The sex is great and you only live once. Come on, let's do this. Let's keep going. And I'm like, okay, so I'm dating the next murderer. He spent his time in jail. I'm having more orgasms than I've ever had in my life. And this is great. This is great. But then it got to the point where. Cause I am a woman and I need to, like, you know, figure things out. I did Google him. It turns out he lied. He lied. He was in jail. But what happened was he had kidnapped somebody. He held them for ransom, he changed his mind, let them go, and they turned evidence on him. I was angry. I was so angry. I was like, I can't do this. I've been lied to. And that's the line right there. That's the line. And I was like, okay, I gotta break this up with him. So angry. I thought the only way I can do it is because I'm sorry. Angry fucks are the best. I gotta get him over and do it another time. Get that little hate fuck going and get my anger out and then say, bye bye. And so that's what I did. And we had amazing sex because I was so angry and he didn't know. And then afterwards, I'm like, you know what you said?
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Don't google you.
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But I did. I did it. I googled you. I know I promised I wouldn't, but I did. And I found out the real story about you and I can't date you anymore. And he looked me straight in the eye and he says, oh, my God, would you rather I have killed somebody? And right off the top of my head, I said, yes, I would. Because that way I know you could follow through with something and have commitment. I realized that in there, that's what mattered to me, was I had nobody in my life that actually followed through with what they said they were gonna do. And if he can't follow through with his thing, I can't have it. Can't do it. And that was it. He tried to contact me a few times and I just, you know, blocked him. And then he'd find another way to through Facebook or the socials or something to find me. And I just, you know, couldn't do it. Couldn't do it. I've dated a few people since then, but I know within the first couple dates if it's gonna go anywhere. You know, I'm older now, I'm wiser, despite the fact that I would still date a murderer if he could commit. But I just. I'm happy with my plans, you know, I'm happy with my dog, I'm happy with my career. You know, I don't think any of those things will end up putting me on a milk carton or go missing maybe my career. That could go the way Hollywood is right now. But someday, somewhere, maybe, Mr. Right will come. But in interim, I won't be with Mr. Right now. I mean, even if he is a killer, that gives good head. I'm not gonna to it. Good, good, good, good, good.
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A
I know what you're thinking. You're wondering, has Kevin ever used shampoo or dishwashing liquid instead of laundry detergent? Wondering if that would work. Or has Kevin ever ruined countless items of clothing by washing them incorrectly? Of course I have. I am not a master of la. The one thing that always gets me is how my clothes don't usually smell nice. But now things have changed. I have Laundry Sauce which makes my clothes look and feel and smell incredible. I got a compliment yesterday on how good my shirt I cleaned with Laundry Sauce Australian sandalwood scent in it. These highly concentrated pods are packed with the cleaning power of bioenzymes that obliterate stains. Laundry Sauce also offers fabric conditioner, scent booster, dryer sheets, fabric fresher spray and a full money back guarantee. If you don't get better smelling cleaner laundry, you get a full refund for an unlimited time only. Our listeners get 20% off your entire order when you use the code risk@laundry sauce.com that's 20% off your order@laundry sauce.com with the promo code Risk. After your purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. It's time to make laundry day the best day of the week. Hey folks, I want to talk to you about the Perfect Gene. I have always struggled with the fact that that I have no butt. I'm a bit chubby and I guess my size is a little unusual in terms of like big waist and not so long legs. I'm really making myself sound awesome here. But the fact is I've always been impatient when shopping I get very when shopping I'm not a I don't like shopping so many, many many many many times. I have just settled for jeans that really don't fit very well or are a slightly just not quite the hue, not quite the color that I'm really looking for or sometimes even the not quite the texture I'm looking for. So the perfect jean set me up. They don't cut corners either. Ykk zippers, reinforcements, belt loops, deep pockets that actually fit your phone, your keys, your wallet and such a range. Waists from 26 to 52 lengths from 26 to 38 six fits from skinny to thick thick 13 washes. It's over 5000 combinations. I also love these athletic comfort shorts they have. So listen Risk listeners get get 15% off their first order plus free shipping at the PerfectGene NYC or Google the Perfect Gene and use the code risk15 for 15% off. That's the perfect gene. This is Risk. This is Ever Z behind me now and we just heard from Tuesday Thomas and in retrospect maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if Dom DeLuise had shown up for that date. He wasn't much of a kidnapper, but he was always good for a little tune.
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I'm a little weenie looking for a bun Just a teeny weeny itty bitty one. If I keep on cooking I'll be overdone. Pickle and onion hot dog.
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Get out of here.
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But yes, Tuesday's story is a testament for all of us who tend to be attracted to folks who are not good for us. We rule. Folks, there is a new Patreon check in by me that you can check out. Listen. In this one I listened to a never before released recording of my first ever story about my first time in in Bangkok in 2019. Sounds a little bit like this. And he says, oh, you're a ginger bear. And I said, fuck yes I am. I was thrilled. Look, look. A lot of people don't like being fetishized for the type of person they are. Especially if the type of person they are gets fetishized by a lot of people. But if you see a ginger bear and you want to let one of us know that we're your type, we don't mind hearing that once every 20 years. And I paused the recording a few times throughout the story to reflect on how different things are now that I am finally here for real. It's funny, it's inspiring, and it's a little. It's also a little heartbreaking. It's the kind of bonus content you get if you become a member@patreon.com risk we really do rely on the support of our listeners to keep this ship afloat. If you're already a member, you might consider upping your donation amount or if you want to make a one time donation, that's at PayPal, Me, RiskShow, or through Zelle to Kevin@risk-show.com Next, a story from David Hu, a beloved friend of the show going way back now. He's told so many classics. Here's David just a couple weeks back at the Risk Live show at Caveat in New York City with a story we call Everything Went Black.
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Okay, it's mid June 2021 and I'm headed back home to the Bronx to spend Father's Day weekend with my mom and dad. I arrived at the house around 9:30pm to the sound of a kettle whistling in the kitchen and I walk in and it's hot and steamy and I turn off the stove. It's unlike my mom to leave the kitchen unattended like this. Mom, Mom, I'm home. And she slowly creeps into the kitchen and she's drenched in sweat and she's white as a ghost. And I'm really concerned right now. I said, mom, what's going on? She takes a deep breath. She says, dad is not well. Dad is not well. It's obvious. My 84 year old dad has been suffering with dementia since 2017. It all started with him being forgetful. And then over years, it just got worse when he started to tell us that he sees people walking through the neighborhood covered in blood. And that's when my mom started to take care of him. She was overbearing and over caring and refused to let him leave the house throughout the day and evening. He would just be sitting in his room, staring aimlessly out the window and at the trees because he thinks people are hiding in the trees and they're after him. What's ironic is that. But my mom, she retired recently as a nurse at a local nursing home of over 20 years. And now she's out of retirement taking care of a patient with dementia, now 24 7, a man that she doesn't even recognize as her husband, my dad, who I remembered as being hardworking, humble and happy go lucky kind of guy. And although I never spent much time with him because he worked a lot of hours as a waiter at a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown, by the time he got back home, it would be too late and I'd be sound asleep. And the only time I got a chance to spend with him was on his days off and he took me to the barbershop. Although we never had much conversation because he doesn't speak English that well and I don't speak Chinese. I always got a lollipop at the end of the haircut. It was a simple and memorable experience. Now I'm standing in the kitchen with my mom and she's telling me that my dad has been throwing up and defecating throughout the house and she's been cleaning up after him. And she mentioned that he has a really high severe fever. That's when my worst fears just crossed my mind. Covid. I said, mom, should we take him to the hospital? No, you take him to the hospital, he ends up getting Covid. It sounds fucking insane, but she had a point. Because we were all social distancing, wearing masks, and most of us were not even vaccinated, especially my dad. It's close to midnight and trying to argue with my mom is like trying to fight city hall. You're going to lose. And the next morning, I walk by my dad's room, and you see him slumped in his chair. His pants are completely soiled. I walk over and I grab his hand. It's cold and it's dry, and I don't hear him breathing. I think he's dead. And I start patting his shoulder just like how my dad did when I was a kid to wake me up for school. And I see drools of saliva coming down the corners of his mouth onto his shirt. I see his eyes moving under his heavy lids. And he starts to mumble, and it sounds like he's saying he wants to die. And I scream, mom. Mom, call the ambulance now. She rushes upstairs and she's like, okay. And I was in complete shock because whatever I said must have smacked sentence into her, because this is a state of emergency. What I anticipated as being a relaxing Fozzie Day weekend was just a weekend of chaos. We're in er, and my dad is strapped in the gurney, screaming incoherently. And my mom is frantically talking to the doctor, trying to figure out what is going on with my dad. After a week in er, we find out it's not dementia. He's diagnosed with ischemia. And what ischemia means is that when blood is constricted to the brain, it starts shriveling up like a raisin. And it provided clarity for my mom and myself, but it didn't make any difference on how we felt because he was going downhill a long time ago. But it made things more bleak and exasperated, the pain and suffering we were dealing with. And my mom made that painful decision to put my dad in a nursing home because she wasn't physically capable of taking care of him. A week after in the nursing home, I get a call telling me in they had to send them back to the er. I'm like, why? Because dad is smearing feces all over the bedroom wall. And as a kid, I used to pick up poop and stuff in my pockets from the playground, and my dad would scream at me. And now he's using human excrement as a creative outlet. My mom calls the ER and they send it back to the nursing home. And the next day, he's doing that shit again. At this time, he ripped out the catheter, which helps him urinate and spraying blood everywhere. Myself and my mom, we're frustrated. We're exhausted. The doctors at the er, the staff in the nursing home, they're upset. And we all get on a conference call, and the doctor Prescribes him psychosis medicine and it miraculously works. It calms him down and alleviates the anxiety he's dealing with. And after two months, we get a chance to visit him at the nursing home. It's mid August, and due to Covid restrictions, there's a backlog of people trying to visit their loved ones at the nursing home. We walk in and we're just completely in shock because my dad looks unrecognizable. His hair is dirty, it's long, it's stringy, his beard is covering his mouth. And clothes that we got him, he's not even wearing it. He's wearing a USC Trojan T shirt and plaid pajamas. He's not even a Trojan fan to know what USC is. And then we just questioned the staff why he didn't groom him, how come he's not wearing his clothes. And he just give a glum look. Covid. And we're just here to look out for his well being. And we go to Walgreens and we pick up a razor, shaving cream and scissors. And my mom cuts his hair in the garden. And she's a damn good barber because she's been cutting his hair since he lost his mind. And after she was done, I lathered my dad's face and he started thrashing his face back and forth. But as soon as I took that razor and glided it across his skin, it brought back memories when I was a kid and watching my dad shave in the bathroom mirror. And my dad got me a shaving kit from Fisher Price. And I would lather my face and take that plastic razor and just glide it across my face. And each stroke of the razor, he smiled and he laughed. And I saw his skin glow. And everyone around the garden said, handsome man. Taking the show. A couple weeks later, I get a call from my mom. He's back in the er. That's when the panic attacks surfaced. And in the back of my mind, I can't believe he's still playing with poop again. And my mom says, david, your dad had organ failure last night because he contracted Covid in the nursing home. And now he's on life support. Do you want him to take off life support? All these images started to go through my head like a flip book about the pain and suffering my dad was putting my mom and myself through. My dad didn't even want to be in a nursing home to begin with. And the way the tree treated him was inhumane. And I said yes. On the morning of Labor Day, I wake up to the sound of crickets. It's hot and steamy, just like Father's Day. And I'm in the bathroom and I'm washing my face, and I hear my mom says, david, David, dad passed away this morning. I just feel the soap and tears just burning my eyes. And I look in the mirror and I see a brief reflection of my dad, face full of shaving cream and a big smile, that expression I remembered as a kid. And now that the pain and suffering is just like soapy suds in a bathroom sink, because a clean shave is like a new day. And it's quite ironic. My dad took a sharp turn on Father's Day and passed away peacefully on the morning of Labor Day. Because my dad was a loving and caring husband in his own way and a hardworking and loving dad. And he knew that his last days on earth, the only people that cared for him and that will be by his side will be myself and my mom. Thank you.
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A
This is Risk. This is Randy Sharp behind me now. And we just heard from David, who. Who you can find @dave who718 on Instagram. David has had so many wonderful stories about his father over the course of the history of the show, and. And that's why it's so especially poignant to be featuring this one now. And may he rest in peace. You know, there's something so moving about the way you really do get to see some people's evolution on Risk, some major journeys in people's lives. I remember how. How fun it was to when Elna Baker was just leaving Mormonism and then just starting to experiment with things like drinking and then just losing her virginity. Like these stories that we saw over the course of time, we got to see this evolution of a person. And, you know, and David's stories about his father, which, you know, many of them are very charming, wonderful stories from, you know, Christmas time and stuff like that, going all the way back to when he was a tiny little kid. So it's just such a blessing and such an honor that a show that is nearly 17 years old now can includes so much of so many people's lives and the changes in them. And I was so touched that David emailed to say that he loves the Bangkok Story show poster and asked if he could get one. And he asked this just before my friend Jonathan Englander, who I curate the Bangkok Story show with, was headed to New York for a visit. So we were able to get Dave a Bangkok Story show poster. Now, if you're in Bangkok, we will be announcing soon. Our next in person storytelling workshop here. So look us up on Instagram or Facebook at Bangkok Stories Show. Folks, did you know I'm in a movie this summer? It's Gail Daughtry and the Celebrity Sex Pass. It is directed by my dear friend David Wayne. It's got tons of people from my old sketch comedy group, the State. I haven't seen it yet, but everyone is saying it is so much fun. And it's out in theaters or maybe by the time you're hearing this, you can rent it, you know, streaming somewhere. But it's just such a joy to be a part of such a silly, silly, silly movie that I think is bringing a lot of people a lot of joy. Folks, today's the day. Take a risk. Sa.