Beat Yourself Up

Summary

Podcast Summary: RISK! Episode - "Beat Yourself Up"

Release Date: July 1, 2025
Host: Kevin Allison
Featured Storytellers: Glenn A. Dunsweiler, David Wayne
Episode Title: Beat Yourself Up

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of RISK! titled "Beat Yourself Up," host Kevin Allison delves deep into the complexities of self-criticism and personal growth. The episode features two powerful true stories from Glenn A. Dunsweiler and David Wayne, each exploring profound personal challenges and the journey toward healing and acceptance.

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Glenn A. Dunsweiler: "The Friction Point" [00:00 - 18:03]

Summary:
Glenn A. Dunsweiler shares a heart-wrenching narrative about his strained relationship with his sister and the burdens of familial responsibilities. The story begins with a childhood incident where Glenn, at 17, accidentally injures his sister by rolling back his car over her feet. This event marks the beginning of a long-term rift between them.

As adults, Glenn becomes a university professor while his sister remains in Sacramento, building a stable life. Their father, referred to as "the butterfly," contrasts Glenn's transient lifestyle as he moves across the country seeking success in LA. The plot thickens when their mother is diagnosed with cancer, prompting Glenn to return to Sacramento to support his family. Despite his intentions, Glenn's presence exacerbates existing tensions, especially as he struggles with his own ambitions and the realities of his family's circumstances.

Key Moments and Quotes:

• [07:31] Glenn recounts the car incident:
  "I have the keys to the house, and she wants out. Glen, stop the car. Stop the car. I don't stop the car."

• [17:09] Reflecting on his father's declining health:
  "You are living some kind of spiraled life. You're just... I can't figure out why and I can't release you from it."

Glenn's efforts to assist his aging father lead to more turmoil, culminating in being struck by a car for the sixth time. The story highlights Glenn's perpetual struggle to balance his desires to help with the unintended consequences of his actions, leaving him feeling ineffective and misunderstood.

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Host's Reflection and Apology [18:03 - 24:11]

After Glenn's intense storytelling, Kevin Allison offers a poignant reflection on the impact of sharing such personal narratives. He acknowledges the strain it placed on Glenn's family, revealing that Glenn's father has since passed away. Kevin mentions that Glenn shared the recorded story with his sister as a public apology for the discomfort it caused within the family.

Kevin also promotes upcoming online storytelling workshops, sharing testimonials from past participants who found the experience transformational and healing. These workshops aim to foster a supportive community for aspiring storytellers.

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David Wayne: "Five Minutes" [24:11 - 38:04]

Summary:
David Wayne presents an emotionally gripping story about his father, Mark, and the profound impact of his untimely death. Mark, once absent due to a drug addiction, strives to make amends and build a strong relationship with David. Their bond is evident as Mark supports David, especially when he comes out as gay, proudly embracing his son's identity.

The narrative takes a tragic turn when Mark is involved in a motorcycle accident. David receives the devastating news and faces the harrowing decision to let his father go. The doctor informs him that Mark's injuries are unsurvivable, leaving David to grapple with guilt and regret over unanswered calls and lost opportunities to connect.

Key Moments and Quotes:

• [35:33] David reflects on his father's character:
  "What makes a perfect parent is someone who wants to be there. And my dad, despite his flaws, really wanted to be there."

• [42:05] David shares his invaluable lessons:
  "First is answer that phone call if you can, because it can be the last time that you get to. And answer it, even if it's a little uncomfortable... Secondly, if you have a chance to say goodbye, make it count."

In a climactic scene, David is granted five minutes to say goodbye to his father. Despite the emotional turmoil, he delivers a heartfelt farewell, emphasizing love, forgiveness, and acceptance. The experience serves as a cathartic moment for David, reinforcing the importance of seizing fleeting moments with loved ones.

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Concluding Remarks and Future Episodes [38:04 - End]

Kevin Allison wraps up the episode by reflecting on the powerful stories shared by Glenn and David. He emphasizes the importance of vulnerability and the courage it takes to share one's deepest struggles. Kevin announces an upcoming all-female episode featuring stories from Shannon M. Turner and Lindsay Ames, promising a diverse and enriching listening experience.

The episode closes with a reprise of Johnny Cash's rendition of a Nine Inch Nails song, echoing the themes of loss and reflection presented throughout the narratives.

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Notable Quotes

• Glenn A. Dunsweiler [07:31]:
  "I have the keys to the house, and she wants out. Glen, stop the car. Stop the car. I don't stop the car."

• Glenn A. Dunsweiler [17:09]:
  "You are living some kind of spiraled life. You're just... I can't figure out why and I can't release you from it."

• David Wayne [35:33]:
  "What makes a perfect parent is someone who wants to be there. And my dad, despite his flaws, really wanted to be there."

• David Wayne [42:05]:
  "First is answer that phone call if you can, because it can be the last time that you get to. And answer it, even if it's a little uncomfortable... Secondly, if you have a chance to say goodbye, make it count."

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Final Thoughts

"Beat Yourself Up" is a compelling exploration of personal guilt, family dynamics, and the quest for redemption. Through the raw and unfiltered stories of Glenn A. Dunsweiler and David Wayne, listeners are invited to reflect on their own relationships and the importance of forgiveness and communication. RISK! continues to provide a platform for authentic storytelling, encouraging individuals to share their most vulnerable moments in pursuit of healing and understanding.

Transcript

[Kevin Allison]

Hey folks, this is Kevin. On this week's episode of Risk, you'll hear Glenn A. Dunsweiler so I go back to la.

[Glenn A. Dunsweiler]

This time I almost go homeless trying to help the homeless because this is me. This is what I do, right? It's exciting.

[Kevin Allison]

That and more. But first I want to give a shout out to Nicole Sellen and Maddie, 22 of our Patreon patrons supporting us at the $25 or more a month level. Folks, the podcast industry keeps changing in ways that put a tighter and tighter squeeze on independent podcasts like Risk, which has more staff to pay and a much more complex production schedule than the vast majority of of podcasts. But people like Maddie and Nicole are absolutely crucial to keeping us going. So please join them by becoming a Patreon supporter or upping your support from a lower tier like Maddie [e-mail] risk or of course you can also make a one time donation at PayPal me/RisksHow.

[Carrie]

We'll be right back.

[Unknown]

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You, Tina, Lisa, Sheila, whatever. Get that report to me by lunch, okay?

[Carrie]

It's Carrie, ma' am.

[Unknown]

Just get it done, Terry.

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[Johnny Cash]

So you're feeling numb about me being gone so you see now you're half alive when you're alone well, I just hope the pain will ease a little as you wait you gave me love but too little, too late.

[Kevin Allison]

Hello, folks. This is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and this is Johnny Cash behind me. Now, we're calling this week's episode Beat Yourself up. But don't do that. Don't beat yourself up. Instead, be a loving and supportive and optimistic coach to yourself. Tell yourself wonderful things. And don't take the title of this Risk episode as a prescription. Little later, we're gonna hear from David Wayne. Not the David Wayne, who is a member of my sketch comedy group, but a very interesting David Wayne as far as David Waynes go. Nonetheless. And first, we're gonna hear a story from Glenn A. Dunsweiler, recorded at our LA show in June of 2024. It's about how we so often want to change, but it ain't easy. Here's Glenn now with a story called the Friction Point.

[Johnny Cash]

All Time low is coming under your front gate. You gave me love, but too little too late.

[Glenn A. Dunsweiler]

So I'm 17, and I've just learned how to drive a manual transmission. And I'm so proud of myself. And I'm giving my sister a ride home. And we pull up into the driveway, and there's a little slope in the driveway. And instead of stepping on the brakes, I start using the Friction Point. So I'm going up and sliding back and going up and sliding back. One, one, I'm impressed with what I can do. And two, I'm annoying the shit out of my sister because she's my sister, right? Well, she's in a hurry. I have the keys to the house, and she wants out. Glen, stop the car. Stop the car. I don't stop the car. I'm up, I'm back. So she gets out, and then she turns around to yell at me, and I roll back over her feet. She drops to the ground, starts to crawl to the house. I park the car, run around to her. The first thing I say is, don't tell mom or dad. So I think my sister equates my existence with pain, right? We become adults. She is an upstanding member of society. She stays. I'm from Sacramento. She stays in Sacramento. She builds her. Her career in Sacramento. My mother calls me a butterfly. And I go all over the country and I become a university professor. For 11 years, tried to be an upstanding member of society. Oh, my God, I hated that. Hated that with all my being. So, of course, in 2015, I moved to LA to live the LA dream, this, right? And in 2018, my sister calls me and she says, hey, mom can't walk and it's cancer. So I had just taken out a lot of money to start a business. So I'm like, crazy, right? I can't quite. I gotta figure out how I can get up to Sacramento. And I finally get up there, my mom's in the hospital and. And my mom introduces me to the nurses as her cheerleader. She introduces my sister to the nurses as her brain. Thanks, Mom. So I become a cheerleader. I'm trying. Hey, we're gonna get through this. You got physical therapy. You can learn how to walk again. They'll shrink the tumors, we'll get everything back. It's gonna be positive, it's gonna be cool. But My life is a disaster. It's a mess. I like the friction zone. Up, down, up. This is my life. Up, down. Somehow it's interesting to me. This, I love this. So I got to come back to LA because I took out a lot of money. I got to figure out this business thing, and I'm sorry. So my sister is now responsible for taking care of my mother, dealing with my father, who is totally overwhelmed and trying to keep her life together, which is no small feat. She's got a husband and a job and a house, and I get up there to give her relief in any way I possibly can. And at one point, I'm up there, my sister shows me how to change diapers on my mother. And she says, you know, it gets easier to grab the poop directly from her butt with the more practice you have. But see, I can't spend that much time with that practice. So I can give her a week, and then I come back down and at the end of six months, my sister has just been amazing, by the way, everything was good. But then I made a comment that I was coming to save the day, which pissed my sister off because now I'm just some useless asshole from LA that thinks he's saving the world, right? And she's so. She's not happy with me. My mother is on her deathbed, so we are going to the hospital. We're in the hospital. She's on palliative care, so she is drowning in her own lung fluid. And we're listening to that, and my sister and I are just sitting there with her and we get to talk. And for me, it's like, oh, this is amazing. I get to connect with my sister, who I haven't really talked to since I ran over when I was 17, right? And I think this is amazing. And we're finally connecting. And at my mother's memorial service, I tell the congregation how amazing my mother's parting gift was putting me together with my sister and getting to talk and connect with my sister. Well, later I find out that my sister felt that I got all of this, the parenting, and she got the leftovers. She felt that she had to raise herself and now she had to do all the child labor. So I'm sure that me telling that story to this congregation of 300 plus people was like a knife right in her heart, right? Just brutal. So I go back to la. This time I almost go homeless, trying to help the homeless, because this is me, this is what I do, right? It's exciting. But I'm always in jeopardy. I'm like, frigging always in jeopardy. My dad is sad because he just lost his wife and he starts to get sick. And I joke that he wasn't paying bills and paying attention. I joked that he was going back to Nam, like, going to camp in his backyard, like he just didn't care. So I'm trying to get back up to help him out because that all falls on my sister. And I go up, and this is a year after my mom passed away, almost to the date, and I'm hanging out with my dad and he's really sick. And I get him. I convince him, you gotta go to the hospital, man. This is not right. My dad does not want to go to the hospital. I convince him. So of course I feel proud, right? I got dad to go to the hospital. Well, it turns out he had a blockage in his bladder. That dude was carrying around 4 liters of urine and his organs started to shut down, so they drained the urine. And I'm feeling like, hey, you know, I'm helping. I saved dad. We're in the same hospital wing that my mother died in a year ago. I'm sure my sister is living Groundhog Day all over again. Asshole brother's gonna leave, back to la. Guess who's gonna deal with it. My sister. By the way, I go back down to la. That's my thing, right? I go down to LA and my dad makes a recovery eventually from the block bladder. He has surgery and he gets there, but he starts to lose logic. He starts creating chaos in his home. My sister buys a bigger home so dad can come live with her. But he's of that generation where he's dead set on dying in that home. So he refuses to leave. So my sister gets a call from our neighbors, hey, I just went by your dad's house. He's on top of his fence. Turned out my dad locked himself in the backyard, couldn't figure out how to get to the front, so started climbing the fence. At 77, 78 years old, and he's up on the fence to get to the front door, which he left open. The chaos that he creates is he starts not writing checks, he gets scammed, and he starts to fall. And this is all on my sister. And I'm trying to get up there, but then I get hit by a car. And this isn't the first time that I get hit by a car. This is the sixth time, more than sixth time, I get hit by a car. Now, usually we have to talk about this. Usually it's because I ride a motorcycle and distracted drivers. And it was like, magnet must hit motorcyclist and they blow me up. But it doesn't happen just with motorcycles. I was a pedestrian. I've been a pedestrian now for over a year. And I was in Burbank last week. And this distracted driver looks left and turns right. I'm like, God. It's to the point I have a psychic, magic, mystical friend. And she says, you are living some kind of spiraled life. You're just. I can't figure out why and I can't release you from it, but you're doing the same. It's because I like the fucking. The friction point, right? I don't know. So I'm useless. I'm recovering. I can't get up to help my dad. In one of the most lucid moments that my father has, he says, glenn, your sister doesn't like you and you can't do anything about it.

[Unknown]

Fuck.

[Carrie]

Fuck.

[Glenn A. Dunsweiler]

So, guys, I don't know what the hell to do because the one thing is, all right, he's getting worse. He won't move in with my sister. Do I go up and live with my dad? But then I'm going to be the asshole hero that thinks he's saving the day, right? And my sister already doesn't like me. Plus, out of all my journeys across the us, the LA storytelling community is my kin. It's the first time I've ever felt kinship with any group of people. And I don't want to leave them, right? So what do I do? All I know is I want to stop rolling over my sister's feet. Thank you.

[Kevin Allison]

Keep it going for Glenn.

[Carrie]

That was beautiful.

[Glenn A. Dunsweiler]

We'll be right back.

[Unknown]

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[Carrie]

If you went on a road trip and you didn't stop for a Big.

[Kevin Allison]

Mac or drop a crispy fry between.

[Carrie]

The car seats or use your McDonald's bag as a placemat, then that wasn't the road trip. It was just a really long drive.

[Kevin Allison]

At participating McDonald's.

[Glenn A. Dunsweiler]

We're back. We're going to dance. We're going to dance. We're going to dance and have some fun. I'm gonna be the asshole hero that thinks he's saving the day.

[Carrie]

Luck back.

[Johnny Cash]

The chills got to spill on my back Keep me filled with satisfaction when we're done Satisfaction of what's.

[Carrie]

To come I couldn't ask for another.

[Glenn A. Dunsweiler]

Going up Sliding back sliding back I was in Burbanks last week, and this distracted driver looks left and turns right. I'm like, God damn. To the point. The storytelling community, we're pretty tight. Every time I promote a show, this one storyteller comes to me and he says, dude, I don't know what it is. Every time you promote a show, it doesn't have to be about you getting hit by a car. I get advertisements for helmets right after it. And it's happened more than 12 times. Man, what is going on?

[Kevin Allison]

This is Risk. This is D Light behind me. Now, this song was a big hit back in those days when Glenn Dunsweiler was driving his sister home from school. And I stole a cassette of this album, of the album that this song is from, from tower Records in 1990, because I. I thought that DJ Toa Te, a member of D Light, was cute. And because that story was recorded a while ago, we asked Glenn how he's doing. Glenn said, my dad has since passed away since I told that story on Risk. And that has taken some of the stress off my sister as she was left to take care of his affairs. And my sister knows I recorded that story, and I shared a copy of the recording with her. It's kind of my public apology for not being what is comfortable for my family. And you can find out all about Glenn's books and [e-mail] folks. I have added two new online storytelling workshops that I'm going to teach this summer. One starts on July 23rd. The Zoom sessions will be on Wednesday evenings. At 6:30pm Eastern. One starts on August 17th. The Zoom sessions will be on Sunday mornings at 10:00am Eastern. And listen to what the people who were in the first workshop that just wrapped up had to say about it. Patty said, I loved the experience, from the weaving of content and structure to Kevin's generosity with his time and energy. Juan said, it felt like we were a group of friends by the end. Brett said, it was a powerful, transformational experience for me personally. Therapeutic and healing for me. A wonderful learning experience. Marianne said said, the writing techniques, exercises and support from others was exactly what I needed to take myself to the next level. I was also blown away by the openness and the stories shared by others. It was a great experience. And Vishwa said, I had a stroke. My speech is disabled. But I found this course to be tremendously helpful in getting my confidence back. We love Vishwas. So, folks, email me at kevinrisk-show.com if you want to get in on one of these two last online storytelling workshops that I'm going to be teaching before moving to Thailand, where I'll be in a very different time zone. And spread the word, there's plenty of slots open as of the day. I'm recording this. Anyone who's interested can email me at kevinrisk-show.com okay, next up, we're gonna hear from David Wayne. Here he is now with a story we call Five Minutes.

[Carrie]

All right, so it was a day like any other, you know, like I. I was just running errands. I was a little depressed at the time, so I was just, you know, stoned and hanging out at home. Admittedly now, my dad at the time, he lived close by, so we were hanging out a lot and he called me, but, you know, as stated, a little high, a little depressed. I didn't answer and just said, whatever. Let me talk about my dad for a sec. His name's Mark. Mark's a great guy. You'd be lucky to know him. He's really into acts of service. He likes to say, if Mark eats, everybody eats. Now, when I was little, you know, he wasn't always there because he unfortunately had a drug addiction and so he was absent a lot. But he really tried to make up for it when we got older, you know, like, it's pretty great. I felt really fortunate and like, I gotta say, like, I came out as gay and he handled it like the man deserves a medal, you know, like, when I was little, he took me to see two Wong Fu. He was so fucking excited for that movie. Like, I remember thinking, like, this has got to be a blockbuster. There's, like, nobody else in the theater. Like, we went in. We saw it in Palm Springs, too. There were probably gay men there who thought it was really cute, but I had no idea. And, like, when I came out, he was really excited and protective. He started calling me Priscilla Queen of the Desert, because we're from a desert. One time we were at a beach and, like, I was wearing little shorts, and this man, he called me a faggot. It's like, faggot bangs on the side of his primer covered, rusted ass. Truck drives away. And so, like, I'm just in disbelief. And this woman, bless her heart, she comes over. She's crying. She's like, your shorts are so beautiful. I'm just like, oh, thank you. She's okay. Don't worry. Looking around, my dad's gone. I realize he's over by the road. I gesture to him like, what are you doing? And he shouts. I'm waiting for him to come back. I'm just like, oh, my God. Okay. Thanks, dad. What a character. He's the best. All right, so fast forward I'm having that day I mentioned. It's boring. I go to the restaurant across the street where several of my friends work. And, you know, it's fun. They have a little bar. So a few cocktails later, my dinner arrives and I get, like, one bite. And then my grandma calls. She's like, david, I need you to get to the hospital right now. Your dad's been in an accident. Okay, you sound stern. But, like, she's not worried. Admittedly, I am a little intoxicated. My friend runs the bar, so, you know, we're three long islands deep. And I haven't gotten to eat my food yet. So, like, it's happening. I get myself to the hospital, though. I walk in and, hey, I'm David. My grandma called me and said I need to come to the hospital. And this nurse hears me, and she's immediately like, you're David. I need you to come with me, please. So I'm like, okay. And then, you know, she takes me to the ICU weighted room. Now, that is the intensive care unit for those unfamiliar with hospital acronyms. My grandma's there with, like, my family that all live in the area, and my little brother Sean. And everyone is just very stern, very quiet, and no one knows anything yet. Now, in my mind, like, okay, this is the icu, and if they're not telling us anything, like, it could be bad, right? Like, I don't know. Doctor comes in though, he gets all of us, field of view. And he, he turns to my grandmother and I and he proceeds to explain my dad's injuries. Your father was in a motorcycle accident. He was trying to move his bike out of a highway and was struck on his side by oncoming traffic. The driver of the other vehicle was traveling approximately 75 miles an hour. Your father has been eviscerated. Now, obviously, I realize as the doctor's talking to me that my dad has been mortally wounded. These are not kind words. These are not good words to hear. Panic sets in and I just, I start to just imagine, like, it's summer in Southern California. I start to imagine my dad just laying on the asphalt in the afternoon heat, just dying, waiting for help. And I'm just like, what if he was calling me for gas money earlier or something? Like, what if he needed my help? What if, what if? Now I found out later that my dad had actually left his wallet at home when he went riding that day. And he did run out of gas. So maybe he did try to call his son for help. And of course I didn't answer. So my dad, being the crazy guy that he is running out of gas, decides, I'm gonna try to just drive up this hill on this highway anyway. Fuck, it gets to the top, literally to the top of the hill, runs out of gas right there, Pushes his bike out. The first, it was a two lane oncoming. The first car stops. But the second guy, he thought, it's totally normal to stop in a highway. I'm gonna floor it around this guy. And. Well, I'll spare you all the graphic details, but. So I'm trying to pull it together and I think, doctor, what are we doing? And the doctor begins, there's a lot of damage and I don't think that I can save your father. There's fecal matter entering his bloodstream. I don't know where all the damage is. His pelvis is completely shattered. His spine is severed. I don't know how paralyzed he will be, but I can guarantee that it's at least from his nipples down. He'll have a colostomy, he'll be in a wheelchair. I'm not even sure I can save him. He is very, very critical right now. We can humanely let him go. I need everybody to understand that, like, with people, they don't do that unless it's like over. Like, it's not like an animal where you can elect. Right? Like, and I never expected to hear that. From a fucking doctor. Like, that's something that you just. You know what I mean? So now I know my dad, he wouldn't want to live like that. The man lives to explore and have fun and try to get laid. You know, that is his retiree life. That is his mission. So I did the hardest thing that I've ever done. And I told myself again, he doesn't want to live this way. So you have to. You can't be selfish, right? You have to. You have to make a decision that's right for him, for his quality of life. And you can't make him stay in this world so that you can say sorry for not answering his phone call. That's not fair. And you know what he'd want? So the doctor, he gives us a moment. Obviously the time is critical. What do you want to do? Because, I mean, if we want to save him, he's obviously got to go get started. And I look at my grandma and she knows what I'm going to say. And she says, we have to let him go because that's what your father would want, David. And she looks at the rest of the family and back at the doctor, and the doctor nods. And then he says, okay, so considering we're going to let him go, I can give him anticoagulants and oxygenate his blood to wake up his brain so that you can say goodbye to him. Now, he won't be able to speak, but he'll be able to hear you. And it's gonna last about five minutes. Okay, so like, right, right, right. Five minutes to tell my dad goodbye. Like, okay. I just remember thinking how incredibly hard. And, you know, you don't have. In these moments, you don't have time to prepare, you don't get to rehearse, you don't. You don't get to copy edit. You can't send a draft to a friend whose opinion you trust on literature and ask, like, is this enough? Is this efficient? Like, did I, did I miss anything? You don't get that. You don't have time. I had myself and a 50 foot hallway to make it all come together. So my grandma, she looks at me and obviously I need to go. So I look over and I grab my frozen little brother, who was 16 at the time and understandably has very little tolerance for this level of loss. So I grab him and I bring him with me. And when we get there, make him wait right outside, and the nurses bring me in. And as terrifying as it was, my father deserved perfection in this moment. So I did the best I could. And I'm thinking, you know, not only is my dad gonna leave me, but, like, one of my best friends is gonna leave me too, right now. And, like, considering the slight animosity that we were working on from his absence when I was a child, I just let it all go in that moment, you know, And I just. And I reminded myself that, like, what makes a perfect parent is someone who wants to be there. And my dad, despite his flaws, really wanted to be there. So I take him by the hand and I just. I just remember just like kissing his bloody iodine covered face, touching his face, and just letting him know I was there. And then I had to tell him, like, dad, I'm sorry, but you're in the hospital and you're dying and they can't save you. But I came here to tell you that you don't need to worry because you've led a full and beautiful life and you've taught me so much, and you've allowed me to go out into the world and disseminate those wonderful things to other people. And you know what, dad? You weren't always there. And you did fuck up a lot, but you were a perfect father. And I feel like I was given a great gift by getting to know you and having you in my life. And I want you to know that everything's okay and that I'm okay and I love you and you have nothing to be sorry for because you did an awesome job. And I'm standing here over you as proof of that now. And then I just held on to him a little bit longer and kissed him and made sure that he could feel me and that he knew I was there. And then there was my little brother. I didn't forget him. I wasn't going to let him miss this moment. And I go out and he just. He doesn't want to go in. Understandably, he's scared. But I. I grab him and I get really close and I remind him, like, this is the last time Dad's going to get to hear your voice. So I need you to not be selfish right now. And I need you to do this for him. And I'm so proud of him because he went in there and he said, dad, I'm here. I love you. And then he just held onto him until the nurses told us that we had to leave. Because I'm assuming he was about to start dying. And why. Why do we need to hear him start coding? I. I remember that because at first I wanted to get upset. But then I realized, like, yeah, no, why do you need to watch him die?

[Glenn A. Dunsweiler]

Like.

[Unknown]

So.

[Carrie]

Honestly, the rest of that day is a bit of a blur. But my friend, when I told him I was going to the hospital, my friend at the bar, he'd given me a Xanax, so I'd taken that. And now I said I'd been drinking too. So we all know what happens. You're not supposed to do that. So I don't really remember much. But the last thing I remember was the hospital chaplain approached me. And, you know, I was younger and still a bit of an Internet edgelord learning how to real life. And I'm an atheist. And I remember she said, well, that's okay. Can I just sit with you as another human being and comfort you? Because you look like you need that right now. And I will never forget how warm and comforting she was. And when she told me that I was going to be okay, I believed her. And I learned something, you know, that's really important to me. Two things, actually. The first is answer that phone call if you can, because it can be the last time that you get to. And answer it, even if it's a little uncomfortable, even if you don't have a lot of time, even if you're busy. And then secondly, if you have a chance to say goodbye, make it count. Because from the other person's perspective, it's how absolutely precious. We don't know what happens afterwards. It could be nothing. It could be everything. So even if it is the most terrifying thing you've ever done, say goodbye. I don't think I could have dealt with the shame of missing my father's phone call that day without those five minutes to say goodbye. I'm not sure I could have lived with that. I think the only reason I'm here today is because of that five minutes. Love you, dad. Thank you. I'm trying to. This is really cathartic for me. Cause I don't have family members I can talk to about it. So, like, thank you for kind of being like my surrogate family member, John. It's the best I've got. Oh, fuck.

[Johnny Cash]

I hurt myself today to see if I still feel I focus on the pain the only thing that's real the needle tears the hole the old familiar sting Try to kill it all over way But I remember everything what have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away Every in the year and you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you.

[Kevin Allison]

This is Risk. And so it ends as it began, with Johnny Cash again, this time covering Nine Inch Nails. And we just heard from David Wayne. That story was recorded and edited by our own John La Sala, which is why you hear David refer to John in that little outtake at the end of the story. Well, folks, don't Forget, I am evanrisk-show.com if you want to ask about these online storytelling workshops I'm teaching this summer. I would absolutely love to have you in on one. And I think you'd love it too. Now, appropriately, Johnny Cash is a dude. And apart from D Light, this has been an all dudes episode. But we're gonna be making up for that next week with an all ladies episode, a brand new story from Shannon M. Turner and an older one pulled from our archives from Lindsay Ames. And folks, today's the day. Take a risk.

[Johnny Cash]

What have I become? My sweetest friend Everyone I know goes away in the end and you could have it all My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt if I could start again a million miles away I would keep myself I would find.

[Carrie]

When I think about it like I'm always I'm sad but I don't have any regret cuz I, I feel like I nailed it. Just get over yourself and say you're sorry you like you'll. Even if you're not in the wrong, you feel better.