Carrie (24:11)
All right, so it was a day like any other, you know, like I. I was just running errands. I was a little depressed at the time, so I was just, you know, stoned and hanging out at home. Admittedly now, my dad at the time, he lived close by, so we were hanging out a lot and he called me, but, you know, as stated, a little high, a little depressed. I didn't answer and just said, whatever. Let me talk about my dad for a sec. His name's Mark. Mark's a great guy. You'd be lucky to know him. He's really into acts of service. He likes to say, if Mark eats, everybody eats. Now, when I was little, you know, he wasn't always there because he unfortunately had a drug addiction and so he was absent a lot. But he really tried to make up for it when we got older, you know, like, it's pretty great. I felt really fortunate and like, I gotta say, like, I came out as gay and he handled it like the man deserves a medal, you know, like, when I was little, he took me to see two Wong Fu. He was so fucking excited for that movie. Like, I remember thinking, like, this has got to be a blockbuster. There's, like, nobody else in the theater. Like, we went in. We saw it in Palm Springs, too. There were probably gay men there who thought it was really cute, but I had no idea. And, like, when I came out, he was really excited and protective. He started calling me Priscilla Queen of the Desert, because we're from a desert. One time we were at a beach and, like, I was wearing little shorts, and this man, he called me a faggot. It's like, faggot bangs on the side of his primer covered, rusted ass. Truck drives away. And so, like, I'm just in disbelief. And this woman, bless her heart, she comes over. She's crying. She's like, your shorts are so beautiful. I'm just like, oh, thank you. She's okay. Don't worry. Looking around, my dad's gone. I realize he's over by the road. I gesture to him like, what are you doing? And he shouts. I'm waiting for him to come back. I'm just like, oh, my God. Okay. Thanks, dad. What a character. He's the best. All right, so fast forward I'm having that day I mentioned. It's boring. I go to the restaurant across the street where several of my friends work. And, you know, it's fun. They have a little bar. So a few cocktails later, my dinner arrives and I get, like, one bite. And then my grandma calls. She's like, david, I need you to get to the hospital right now. Your dad's been in an accident. Okay, you sound stern. But, like, she's not worried. Admittedly, I am a little intoxicated. My friend runs the bar, so, you know, we're three long islands deep. And I haven't gotten to eat my food yet. So, like, it's happening. I get myself to the hospital, though. I walk in and, hey, I'm David. My grandma called me and said I need to come to the hospital. And this nurse hears me, and she's immediately like, you're David. I need you to come with me, please. So I'm like, okay. And then, you know, she takes me to the ICU weighted room. Now, that is the intensive care unit for those unfamiliar with hospital acronyms. My grandma's there with, like, my family that all live in the area, and my little brother Sean. And everyone is just very stern, very quiet, and no one knows anything yet. Now, in my mind, like, okay, this is the icu, and if they're not telling us anything, like, it could be bad, right? Like, I don't know. Doctor comes in though, he gets all of us, field of view. And he, he turns to my grandmother and I and he proceeds to explain my dad's injuries. Your father was in a motorcycle accident. He was trying to move his bike out of a highway and was struck on his side by oncoming traffic. The driver of the other vehicle was traveling approximately 75 miles an hour. Your father has been eviscerated. Now, obviously, I realize as the doctor's talking to me that my dad has been mortally wounded. These are not kind words. These are not good words to hear. Panic sets in and I just, I start to just imagine, like, it's summer in Southern California. I start to imagine my dad just laying on the asphalt in the afternoon heat, just dying, waiting for help. And I'm just like, what if he was calling me for gas money earlier or something? Like, what if he needed my help? What if, what if? Now I found out later that my dad had actually left his wallet at home when he went riding that day. And he did run out of gas. So maybe he did try to call his son for help. And of course I didn't answer. So my dad, being the crazy guy that he is running out of gas, decides, I'm gonna try to just drive up this hill on this highway anyway. Fuck, it gets to the top, literally to the top of the hill, runs out of gas right there, Pushes his bike out. The first, it was a two lane oncoming. The first car stops. But the second guy, he thought, it's totally normal to stop in a highway. I'm gonna floor it around this guy. And. Well, I'll spare you all the graphic details, but. So I'm trying to pull it together and I think, doctor, what are we doing? And the doctor begins, there's a lot of damage and I don't think that I can save your father. There's fecal matter entering his bloodstream. I don't know where all the damage is. His pelvis is completely shattered. His spine is severed. I don't know how paralyzed he will be, but I can guarantee that it's at least from his nipples down. He'll have a colostomy, he'll be in a wheelchair. I'm not even sure I can save him. He is very, very critical right now. We can humanely let him go. I need everybody to understand that, like, with people, they don't do that unless it's like over. Like, it's not like an animal where you can elect. Right? Like, and I never expected to hear that. From a fucking doctor. Like, that's something that you just. You know what I mean? So now I know my dad, he wouldn't want to live like that. The man lives to explore and have fun and try to get laid. You know, that is his retiree life. That is his mission. So I did the hardest thing that I've ever done. And I told myself again, he doesn't want to live this way. So you have to. You can't be selfish, right? You have to. You have to make a decision that's right for him, for his quality of life. And you can't make him stay in this world so that you can say sorry for not answering his phone call. That's not fair. And you know what he'd want? So the doctor, he gives us a moment. Obviously the time is critical. What do you want to do? Because, I mean, if we want to save him, he's obviously got to go get started. And I look at my grandma and she knows what I'm going to say. And she says, we have to let him go because that's what your father would want, David. And she looks at the rest of the family and back at the doctor, and the doctor nods. And then he says, okay, so considering we're going to let him go, I can give him anticoagulants and oxygenate his blood to wake up his brain so that you can say goodbye to him. Now, he won't be able to speak, but he'll be able to hear you. And it's gonna last about five minutes. Okay, so like, right, right, right. Five minutes to tell my dad goodbye. Like, okay. I just remember thinking how incredibly hard. And, you know, you don't have. In these moments, you don't have time to prepare, you don't get to rehearse, you don't. You don't get to copy edit. You can't send a draft to a friend whose opinion you trust on literature and ask, like, is this enough? Is this efficient? Like, did I, did I miss anything? You don't get that. You don't have time. I had myself and a 50 foot hallway to make it all come together. So my grandma, she looks at me and obviously I need to go. So I look over and I grab my frozen little brother, who was 16 at the time and understandably has very little tolerance for this level of loss. So I grab him and I bring him with me. And when we get there, make him wait right outside, and the nurses bring me in. And as terrifying as it was, my father deserved perfection in this moment. So I did the best I could. And I'm thinking, you know, not only is my dad gonna leave me, but, like, one of my best friends is gonna leave me too, right now. And, like, considering the slight animosity that we were working on from his absence when I was a child, I just let it all go in that moment, you know, And I just. And I reminded myself that, like, what makes a perfect parent is someone who wants to be there. And my dad, despite his flaws, really wanted to be there. So I take him by the hand and I just. I just remember just like kissing his bloody iodine covered face, touching his face, and just letting him know I was there. And then I had to tell him, like, dad, I'm sorry, but you're in the hospital and you're dying and they can't save you. But I came here to tell you that you don't need to worry because you've led a full and beautiful life and you've taught me so much, and you've allowed me to go out into the world and disseminate those wonderful things to other people. And you know what, dad? You weren't always there. And you did fuck up a lot, but you were a perfect father. And I feel like I was given a great gift by getting to know you and having you in my life. And I want you to know that everything's okay and that I'm okay and I love you and you have nothing to be sorry for because you did an awesome job. And I'm standing here over you as proof of that now. And then I just held on to him a little bit longer and kissed him and made sure that he could feel me and that he knew I was there. And then there was my little brother. I didn't forget him. I wasn't going to let him miss this moment. And I go out and he just. He doesn't want to go in. Understandably, he's scared. But I. I grab him and I get really close and I remind him, like, this is the last time Dad's going to get to hear your voice. So I need you to not be selfish right now. And I need you to do this for him. And I'm so proud of him because he went in there and he said, dad, I'm here. I love you. And then he just held onto him until the nurses told us that we had to leave. Because I'm assuming he was about to start dying. And why. Why do we need to hear him start coding? I. I remember that because at first I wanted to get upset. But then I realized, like, yeah, no, why do you need to watch him die?
