Joel Gonzalez (22:53)
So I've worked in retail for most of my adult life. It's not the most glamorous job in the world, but it's decent pay and it's union. And my job's basic stocking shelves, helping customers, checking out groceries, the usual. But my job forever changed in March of 2020 when Covid first struck and suddenly I went from being just a regular retail guy to an essential worker. Now being essential worker means that, oh, you have to go to your job no matter what because we need you and your life doesn't matter. That's what felt like being a central worker. So naturally, I was scared. I had no choice. It was either work, maybe get sick and die, or don't work and starve to death. So what choice did I have? I had to work. Now I was not only concerned about my safety, I was concerned about my wife's safety as well. We've been married for about a year at this point, together for five. And in December 2019, she started showing early signs of carpal tunnel in her arms. At first it was small, minor little pain here and there. Nothing that some aspirin, some braces, or some stretching couldn't help. But then it started to get worse and worse and worse, and it got to the point where she couldn't work anymore. It was up to me to help her with simple activities like opening doors, opening packages, making sure Val was sitting one position in the room so her head wouldn't turn because the carpal tunnel was so severe that went all the way up to her neck and that she couldn't stand it. She had to sit on the floor to watch shows or movies with me at all. Also, I had to, like, help her preparing some food here and there because she couldn't do certain things with her arms. So I became somewhat of a caretaker during this time. Also, what was revealed to me during her carpal tunnel issue was my wife was a germaphobe. I didn't know how severe it was at first, really, Honestly, before then, I would know. She washed her hands more than once or twice, and I thought nothing about it. I'm like, oh, okay. Likes to stay clean. But as this pandemic raged on and I watched her watching the news, looking at her phone, eyes just white with terror, she started washing more frequently, started hand sanitizing more frequently. Every time I came from work, it was a list of questions of where I was and how I messed up and where I could be. It got worse and worse and worse. She would not leave the house. So I knew at this point, it was up to me to make sure that we were both safe and that she would not get sick because she sincerely believed that her immune system was compromised because of her condition. So I did whatever I could to keep us safe. The pressure was on big time. When this pandemic first started and everyone's working at home, retail people, we were first to be forgotten. The lucky ones out there who had the desk jobs and answered emails, they gotta stay at home, they gotta wake up in their PJs and dress from just the top down in front of a zoom screen. The retail workers, no, we had none of that luxury. We had none of it. We were guinea pigs, right when we got out there to see what was gonna happen to us or if society can still survive with the retail workers. Cause everyone needs their food. So every day at work, I felt like I was preparing for a war. Preparing for a biohazard war, I guess it's safe to say I had my clothes in a separate part of the house and like garbage bags to make sure they wouldn't get contaminated to anybody. I would wipe down the bottoms of my shoes, my steel toe boots with Clorox wipes every day, as much as I can get them on. I wore these heavy cargo pants with many pockets. And the pockets were necessary for my job. Necessary to survive, I should say, because I needed backup masks. I needed tons and tons of latex gloves. I need hand sanitizers, I needed sprays. I need everything on me so I can just go around this world and not get sick. It got to the point where I purchased a UV box ray that I found on Amazon, which you put keys and wallets and phones in there and a blast safe rays of radiation on all your items. And what I couldn't fit in there, I would just Clorox like my iPad. You know, who knows what damage I did to it and who knows what damage did to my food at the same time. Now with all this going on, you could tell that I was all about safety. I was all about keeping us both safe. So when the masking started, you know, it started out like, only nurses, only doctors don't put on masks. And then it came clear, oh, no, we all have to wear masks. And watching the news, doom scrolling on Twitter or whatever was saying, masks are the key. Masks will give out this pandemic. You put on the mask and we can all be rid of this virus. It's March 2020. Maybe we can all have Christmas together. Maybe we can all be safe. We all just stick to the rules, keep 6ft distance and mask, and we can kill this virus. And I was like, yes, yes, we can. We can do this. And I have to be that change because I'm on the forefront. I'm out here trying to survive and trying to take care of my wife. And yes, we have to all mask. So for lack of a better term, I became a mask Nazi. Every time I was out and about, especially at my store, I'll go to customers who weren't wearing their mask. Hey, mask, please. No One missed my eye. If I was around them, I got to the point where even if they were in the mask incorrectly, as the ones who wore the mask, you know, just not covering their nose, no matter if they had glasses or not, I would say, hey, over the nose, please. Over the nose. I would see them and I would pester them. No one was safe for me for putting on a mask. I didn't care what it looked like. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. We should all be doing this package. All we do is together. You should be thanking me that you're putting your mask on, right? And that I'm telling you what is important information. So you're welcome. Everybody put your mask on properly. And of course, shaking hands and hugging was strictly out of the question. There's no way contact at this point was dead over to me. Even when I ventured out to my own home, maybe months later, the pandemic where I felt safe and had lawn chairs to go outside, my friends would run up to hug me and I would go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Elbow, elbow. Put the elbow out. And I was so strict about it. I felt that I was right doing this. I felt my mentality was right because I'll come home. I see my wife still in pain, still crying, so she can't do things. I was having to shop for her. I had to make sure she's okay. I was worried sick every time I had to leave home because I didn't know how she was going to be or how she was going to get around. If I got sick, it's over. It's gonna be bad for both of us. And my wife was deathly afraid of this virus, deathly afraid of it. She had family members in her life who died from cancer, and she slowly had to watch them go away. This is lung cancer. So any sort of respiratory disease really affected her watching the news about it. So as we go, months into this pandemic, I'm still very vigilant. I'm still very much that guy who yelled people for not masking. And I was happy about it, proud to be it. I do remember there was this one incident. There was this. There's this male customer, Caucasian, probably mid-50s, long beard, you know, plaid jacket, hat. You know, just lean over his shopping cart. Shopping groceries. I noticed he was on his phone and his mask fully down under his chin. I saw it. I'm like, sir, hey, hey, hey. Yeah, you. Hey, mask up, please. Mask him. Okay, Grumble something To me, that was it. I'm like, all right, that's it. I walk around the store. I see him again, mask fully down on his cell phone once again. And I know you can hear anybody through a cell phone on a mask. Trust me, I've done it tons of times. They can hear you. It's not gonna disturb your voice. I see him again. Sir, can you please put on your mask? He mutters bullshit to me or something like that and puts the mask on again. And I walk around Finally, 20 minutes later, towards more the middle of a store. And this is about 5 o'. Clock. It's pretty busy. There's a lot of people in the store, more than there should be during a pandemic, but that's another story. I see him again. Sir, can you please put your mask on? I am not going to ask you again. And he says, God damn it, don't you mind your own goddamn business. I'm like, look here, I've asked you three minutes. Put on the mask and you have it. I'm talking to my doctor. I have a heart condition. I do not care. If you're really concerned about your health, you put the mask on and stop engaging everybody in the store. At this point, the shouting was getting louder and louder. A crowd started to form around us. And then he started calling me every single curse word he could think of. And I said, like, can you stop acting like a baby and put on your mask for everybody else? He looks at me, stares me down, points his finger at me. For some reason, quietly, right now, my chest is out, saying, what? What? Do something. And he said, where is your manager? He's right here. And I brought him downstairs. I left the conversation. All I heard was angry noise and angry. This guy should mind his own fucking business, dangering everybody. There's no repercussion, of course, because my manager knew I was right and there was nothing that they really could do, this incident. So naturally, I'm seeing the news, it's rising. More people are dying. I'm seeing people in different states who pretend the pandemic is not happening at all, and spreading the virus to everybody. I'm getting angrier and angrier each day, losing faith in the humanity, losing faith that this virus will ever end. I was slowly, maybe for lack of a better word, losing my mind over this. And the stress of my wife, the stress of being at work, the stress that every day I could die. I've seen people who bounced off from COVID I've had friends who go in the hospital and nearly died. Who knows what was gonna happen when I got this. Who knows what's gonna happen to my wife. I was worried. So as we get more into 2021, things are easing a bit, but are coming right back. I still think, okay, 2021 vaccines are starting to come out, but you know what, it's still very contagious, still very mask up. It was still very much at the time, safety. There was this one woman who walked into my store. It was also around 5 o' clock as well on the same day, busy hour for stores, 5 o', clock, rush hour for a lot of people. This woman, she looked like to be about in her 30s, Caucasian, long brown hair, tan, business suit, kind of attractive actually. She walks in the store maskless. I picked up right away. I didn't approach her right away because I think I was busy helping a customer or whatever. But I noticed another employee walked up to her and said, oh, miss, can you please put on a mask, please? She just walks right by them, grabs a black hand basket and starts shopping. I remember my employee standing there just puzzled, confused, like did she even look at me? Did she even hear what I said? Does she even look around that everyone else is wearing a mask but her? Apparently this didn't bother at all. This woman shopped around and other employees and including customers come at her. Miss, where's your mask? You put a mask on, please. Probably best way to put a mask. She would just look at an item as if that person wasn't talking, nothing was there. And put slowly put items into her little black basket. It's as if she was just walking to a store full of ghosts and that nothing was affecting her and that none of us existed now. Very unlike me, I didn't approach this woman at first. I actually was more fascinated at first of what is she doing? I tried to act like I was working, looking at the aisles, seeing what she's going to doing. As I saw employee after customer walk over to police put on a mask and her ignoring it, shopping, texting on her phone, checking nutrition, facts of everything. And as I was looking at this woman, I kept thinking, this is the problem. This is why we're never getting out of this pandemic because of people like her. This is wrong. We're all going to be dead because the world doesn't care. It's people like her who don't care about people's safety and just think they can do whatever they want is why we're all going to die from this virus and why I might Die, My wife might die. I started spiraling big time. What was going to happen? This person represented everything I hated and everything that was wrong with the world and everything I saw go around the world. Who was not masking up and letting this virus surge and still take lives and still infect people for years and years to come. I remember towards her end of her shopping, she approached a check stand. She shared her black basket and put on the conveyor belt. Now, as a policy, the employees are allowed not to service people who are not practicing protocol. The employee looks at her, looks at her groceries and says, miss, can you please put on a mask? She stares at him, then starts back at her groceries and notice that the conveyor belt's not moving. The employee asked again, miss, can you put on your mask, please? I can't check you out if you don't put on a mask. Still staring at her basket, hoping that'll start moving on its own. It's not moving for her. I can tell she's getting more and more infuriated. Finally, the cashier says, look, miss, if you don't put on a mask and you walk away with those groceries, you will be considered stealing right now. Do you understand me? She finally looks at him, full eye contact, probably the most contact she made of anybody, and just screams. The only word she ever said, fuck you. Knocks the basket over. You fuck everybody and fuck this store. That was the most word she ever said. She stormed out. People backed away from her. Not because only she was maxless, but also she might be unstable as well. This was intense. For it to happen. What protest to happen for a rule that everyone's been following and has been okay with for almost a year and a half. I watched this happen. Yeah. Also satisfied she didn't get her groceries. But also, I was still angry. I was still just very, very angry. I'm like this. Who the fuck thinks she is? Who the hell is she? Atheist. Who is this person thinks she is? I can't fucking believe her. Where is she going? As I was approaching the parking lot to see what car she was gonna go in. Not that I had any intention of doing anything with her. I wanted to get one last hateful look at this hateful woman. And suddenly I said, joel, wait a minute. What are you doing? You are about to follow a woman to her car. Oh, my God. What am I doing? What have I become? What's happened to me? I was so angry at this woman that I was gonna do one of the most fundamental wrong things that any male could do. Is Follow a woman to her car. That's when I kind of knew at that point, like, I've gone too far or I had the potential of going too far. I don't think I had any potential of doing anything. But the fact that I made that instinctive move to do that, I had to realize, I can't be doing this anymore. So the pandemic, yes, it took away any societal norms he had, but it started taking away my humanity. As I noticed, I was not happy. I mean, I was literally just angry and scared all the time. I was scared for everybody. You know what? I'm in my 30s right now. Who knows how much time I got? Am I going to live my life here? Being in fear, being angry at the world, not having any compassion for people that live their freedoms? No, I can't live that way anymore. If I want to survive this pandemic, and this is the way I'm going to go on living. It's not living. What's the point of it all, then? This revelation did a lot for me. I was starting to actually be more forgiving and easing people who weren't practicing protocol because I thought that, you know what, we did this experiment before. They're not going to change, so why should I be enforcing the change on them if they don't want to? I have to worry about my own happiness. The pandemic surged on. I started to be more lean with masking, as a lot of people did around 2022, I started to, okay, I'm only going to mask when I'm at work, when I'm at a doctor's office or on public transit. Those are my rules. And you know what? If other people don't obey those rules, that's their prerogative. It's too much effort to make people change. I'm done trying to change people. When I told my wife this news that I feel like I should scale back a bit because I've kept us safe for this long, that I think we're all right, and I think it'll be okay. We're both vaccinated. We'll both do the same thing. I think it'll be okay. She was probably not as accepting of his news at first. She was still very scared, still very paranoid, still didn't know what was going to happen. But I told her, look, I can't live a life like this. We have to make some changes. All right, I'm sorry. But for us to survive and be happy during this pandemic, I need to make these changes. You don't have to do it right away. I'm just gonna do it for myself. These past couple years, I've done everything to keep us safe, and we have not got it. Also, you're doing better. You're actually working from home again. You don't need my help with anything anymore. You're pretty independent. I think we'll both be okay in 2022 at a friend's wedding. Yes, we both caught Covid. Yes, I felt like a loss. But you know what? We actually survived. And we were both okay. We thank you, science. We thank you, vaccinations. I didn't beat myself up too much about that. I'm more to accept it and see that just happen, because it already happened to me around the world. And I figured, okay, I survived. We are fine, you know? So here we are, it's 2025, and the pandemic still rages on. It's not in the news anymore, of course. Who knows what's gonna happen with RFK Jr being the head of it all if we still have vaccinations. But you know what? Whatever's gonna happen, I'm still gonna be on the side of science. Now, when it comes to the woman, you know, the woman in the tan suit, the one who didn't mask up, who I got so angry at and followed her to her car, Am I still mad at her? Yeah. I still think it's wrong what she did. Of course, during that time, she'd been more considerate. But do I hate this woman? No, I don't hate her. She's living her life, doing what she had to do. It's not my business. She doesn't mask up. She doesn't want to mask up because I'm tired of being mad. So what I got from all this is life is short. We have to live our lives, and we can't keep living it in fear. And what's going to happen? Deal with it now, and the rest will happen later.
