Come and Go

Summary

RISK! – "Come and Go" – Episode Summary

Release Date: February 3, 2026
Host: Kevin Allison
Featured storytellers: Ezra Holmland, Sarah Adelman

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Episode Overview

"Come and Go" is a classic RISK! journey through the unexpected, funny, and deeply personal. Hosted by Kevin Allison, this episode features two true stories of wild turns—one about a home invasion gone haywire and the other about a scientist whose unusual job at a sperm bank led to an even more unusual firing. As ever, the episode rides the line between hilarious, jaw-dropping, and thought-provoking.

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Key Stories & Discussion Points

1. "Things Are Going South" – Ezra Holmland

Live at Caveat, NYC — Recorded September (timestamp: 02:48–14:39)

• Setup:

  • Ezra and his younger brother, both in their twenties, spend a final night at their parents' house in Portland before flying to new adventures (Ezra to Antarctica, his brother to Amsterdam).
  • After a late night, the brothers are woken by noises—someone is in the house.

• The Intruder:

  • Awoken by his brother insisting "there's somebody in the house" (04:18), Ezra first doubts it until they both hear frantic footsteps and drawers rifling all over their parents' home.
  • With no cell phones but a landline, they split up tasks: his brother calls 911 while Ezra sneaks upstairs to the kitchen “in just my underwear” (05:47), armed with butcher knives for both.
  • Comedic tension: “We’re standing there, you know, in our underwear, two dudes holding butcher knives.” (Memorable moment, echoed later: 00:04 & 10:39)

• Discovery & Decision:

  • The burglar is not just ransacking rooms—he’s also literally fallen through the ceiling, having crashed out of the attic and left debris everywhere (07:32).
  • Ezra describes the emotional calculus: the fight-or-flight impulse, wondering, “Do I want my obituary to say ‘Two brothers found cowering in the closet’?” (07:59)
  • He opts for bravado: “I got a gun and I’m gonna come in there and fucking shoot your ass. On the count of three, motherfucker.” (09:41)

• The Showdown:

  • The scare works—the intruder, in a panic, dives out a window.
  • The brothers escape outside to meet arriving police, still clutching butcher knives in their underwear—leading to another tense moment as the police, at first, can’t tell the difference between crooks and victims:
    • "Drop your weapons. Drop your weapons now!" (11:19)
    • Comically, their story (headed to Antarctica and Amsterdam) only arouses more suspicion at first.

• Resolution:

  • The police verify their story and soon catch the intruder—described as a deranged-looking man in black with a cowboy hat (13:23).
  • Reflective close:
    • “It really could have gone south…even if you’re headed to Antarctica.” (14:23)

• Notable Quotes:

  • “Do we want our obituaries to say ‘Two brothers found cowering in the closet’?” – Ezra Holmland (07:59)
  • “I’m standing there...I kind of look like Iggy Pop, you know, with a butcher knife in his underwear.” (08:37)
  • “You have no idea just how far south things are actually going to go, even if you’re headed to Antarctica.” (14:23)

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2. "The Long and Winding Road to Semen Analysis" – Sarah Adelman

Live at Caveat, NYC — Recorded June (timestamp: 17:59–34:43)

• Setup & Work Life:

  • Sarah lays out her unlikely “dream job” as a professional semen analyst at a New York sperm bank.
    • “For two years I had every little girl’s dream job. I professionally studied semen. I worked at a sperm bank.” (18:03)
    • Has a master’s in public health: “Even though this is cum, it’s serious cum.” (19:25)
  • Vivid workplace anecdotes: she describes first peering into a petri dish full of wriggling sperm and seeing herself—“they had that anxious, nervous, vaguely disgusting vibe I think I’ve always had." (18:45)

• Day-to-Day Observations & Laughs:

  • Discusses the odd, ego-driven behavior of male donors:
    • “Guys would hand me their sad cup of sperm, low volume, and say, ‘what’s the move?’” (23:30)
    • Fielding repeated questions about stealing their sperm:
      • “‘Are you gonna try and steal it to get pregnant?’...Why would I want your cum? I could go to any sperm bank in America and get sperm from Olympic athletes. Me wanting cum from a guy like that would be like me going to Goodwill to get cum.” (24:14)
    • Outlines the bleak humorlessness of her colleagues who “did not find semen funny”—pushing her to solo open mics for comic relief (24:39).

• Comedy Career & Catastrophe:

  • Sarah juggles science by day, stand-up by night, enjoying the double life—until an HR summons:
    • Enter an HR inquisition, where management plays a too-loud YouTube video of her stand-up about working at a sperm bank. (28:13)
    • Awkward showdown:
      • “‘Didn’t think I’d be doing so much centrifuging, but at least I'm still drowning in cum.’” (00:11, echoed here at 28:25)
      • “Is that you?”—“No, it is not.” (28:46)
      • “My permanent record has ‘sexism against men’ on it. Me? Kinda a card carrying guy’s girl… I’m the one who suggests no condom!” (32:07)

• Aftermath & Reflection:

  • She describes the crushing disappointment of being fired for “propagating negative gender stereotypes.”
  • As her meticulously planned science career collapses, she contemplates her future at a Brooklyn coffee shop, musing on the frailty of plans and the discovery of unexpected fulfillment in disorder:
    • “Now that I’ve seen the light, I’m not sure I could go back [to science]… even though it was messy and chaotic and fucking brutal, comedy made me feel like this big bright sun.” (33:55)
    • “No one can control their own life. Not even me. I think I was just a test subject all along, accidentally disproving my own hypothesis.” (34:25)

• Notable Quotes:

  • “Sarah, semen is not funny. And I’m like, well, depends where it lands, you know what I mean?” (24:55)
  • “Why would I want your cum?...Me wanting cum from a guy like that would be like me going to Goodwill to get cum.” (24:17)
  • “I guess that’s why we can’t have women in STEM.” (34:40)

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Memorable Moments & Highlights

• Ezra's Stand-Off:

  • The visual absurdity of two grown men in their underwear, brandishing butcher knives on their suburban street (10:39; recalled and bookended).
  • Ezra’s deadpan, Oscar-worthy bluff about having a gun.

• Sarah’s Clinical Comedy:

  • The surreal scene of hospital lawyers angrily transcribing her penis jokes from YouTube for legal review (30:10).
  • Her brutally honest “science of attraction” experiments, jokingly proving “big dick energy” with a p value of 0.01. (30:59)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:48] – Ezra Holmland’s story begins
• [09:41] – The confrontation with the intruder
• [10:39] – Standing in underwear, knives in hand, awaiting police
• [14:30] – Emotional fallout and story close
• [17:59] – Sarah Adelman’s story begins
• [18:03] – "Every little girl's dream job: I professionally studied semen."
• [23:30] – Sarah describes donor reactions
• [28:13] – HR confrontation over her stand-up videos
• [32:07] – Officially accused of “sexism against men”
• [34:25] – Realization: “I think I was just a test subject all along.”
• [34:40] – “That’s why we can’t have women in STEM.”

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Tone and Language

• The episode is candid, loose, and steeped in irreverent humor—balanced with raw moments of fear and self-discovery.
• Both storytellers lean heavily on comic timing, self-deprecation, and vivid, relatable images.
• Kevin Allison interjects with warmth, affirming the power of both stories within the RISK! tradition.

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For Further Exploration

• Ezra Holmland:

  • Nine-part fugitive story at ezraholmland.com

• Sarah Adelman:

  • Comedy and info at saradelmancomedy.com
  • Her award-winning short film, "Busted," adapts her sperm bank story and is currently on the festival circuit. More at @saraadelman1 on Instagram.

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This episode encapsulates the core RISK! ethos: sharing the wild, cringeworthy, and fascinating moments that make us who we are—and daring to laugh, even when life goes completely off-script.

Transcript

[Kevin Allison]

On this episode of Risk, you'll hear.

[Ezra Holmland]

We'Re standing there, you know, in our underwear, two dudes holding butcher knives.

[Kevin Allison]

And you'll hear, didn't think I'd be.

[Sarah Adelman]

Doing so much centrifuging, but at least I'm still drowning in cum.

[Kevin Allison]

And of course, me, Kevin Allison on the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to.

[Ad Read Announcer]

We'll be right back. Hey, Sal.

[Ezra Holmland]

Hank.

[Kevin Allison]

What's going on?

[Ad Read Announcer]

We haven't worked a case in years. I just bought my car at Carvana and it was so easy.

[Ezra Holmland]

Too easy. Think something's up?

[Ad Read Announcer]

You tell me. They got thousands of options, found a great car at a great price.

[Ezra Holmland]

Uh huh.

[Ad Read Announcer]

And it got delivered the next day. It sounds like Carvana just makes it easy to buy your car, Hank. Yeah, you're right. Case closed.

[Sarah Adelman]

Buy your car today on Carvana. Delivery fees may apply.

[Natural Cycles Advertiser]

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[Kevin Allison]

Okay folks, this episode of Risk is called Come and Go and this is Bunker Buster behind me. Now I'll tell you my next online storytelling workshop starts on February 15, 2026 at 10:00am Eastern Time. It'll happen eight Sundays in a row like that on Zoom. So email me at kevinrisk-show.com to learn more about that. Now in a little bit, we're going to hear from Sarah Adelman. But to start things off, a story by the wonderful Ezra Holmland, who is now a Risk favorite. And for the first time, he recorded a story with us live on stage at Caveat in New York last September. So here's Ezra now with the story we call Things are going South.

[Ezra Holmland]

So it was just one of those strange anomalies. Both my little brother and I, we were both leaving the country on the same day, both flying out of PDX Portland. I was headed down to Antarctica to begin a six month tour of duty working as a cook at the McMurdo Research Station. And my little brother, he was headed over to Amsterdam to go start living with his new girlfriend. So my parents, they still lived in Portland. So we decided to spend the Night at their place, you know, before we flew out the next day, have a little family reunion. So we show up at my parents place, we have dinner with them. We're sitting around the dinner table talking about our new adventures. I was 27 at the time. Little brother was 24. These are great ages for starting new adventures. So I'm headed down south to Antarctica. Little brother, he's headed over to Amsterdam. We're talking about these new adventures. It's a great time. So my parents, they have to work in the morning and so they go to bed. But they live in a ranch style house, you know, upstairs, but they have a basement. So we go downstairs. My flight was at like three in the afternoon. Brother's flight was at like two in the afternoon so we could continue the party. So little brother and I, we go downstairs, you know, we're drinking beer, we hang out till like one in the morning or so, you know, having a good time, talking about these new adventures. All of our, you know what we're going to do, this great adventure stuff, you know, we're having a great time. So I'm kind of surprised when my little brother, he taps me awake, you know, I'm laying a bed, he taps me awake. I look over at the alarm clock, you know, it says 7:00am and he's like, there's somebody in the house. There's somebody in the house. I look at my brother, I'm like, there's nobody in the house. And then I hear the footsteps upstairs. They're moving quick. They're going from the kitchen to the living room to the dining room. And these are definitely not the footsteps of my parents. They've obviously left and gone to work. So I stand up out of the bed, just wearing my underwear. My brother's just wearing his underwear. And we're listening to the footsteps upstairs. Like oh shit. So we hear the footsteps. They go into my parents bedroom, open the door and they just start rifling through the drawers, just like tearing the place apart. I'm like, oh shit. Oh shit. Now this is the time when cell phones, you know, had just started. I did not have one, neither did my bro. But there was a landline downstairs. So I say to my brother, I was like, hey, hey, you call 91 1. I was like, I'm gonna go upstairs and I'm gonna get weapons. I did not grow up in a house with guns, but there were knives in the kitchen. So the way that the house is set up, the stairs lead up kind of into the dining room close to the kitchen, and I tiptoe up the stairs and I'm listening to the sound of this guy in my parents bedroom just tearing the place apart. I walk up into the kitchen, I grab a couple of butcher knives, you know, off the rack, and I tiptoe back downstairs and my brother, he's on the phone talking to the 911 operator. Like, we live at 14233 Southeast Evens. There's somebody in our house, there's somebody in our house, there's somebody robbing us, you know. So I walk back down the stairs, you know, and I hand my brother a butcher knife, you know, and I've got one in my hand. So we're sitting there, we listen to the guy, he's up in my parents bedroom and then he goes down the hallway, he goes into bedroom number two. He starts tearing that bedroom apart, just ripping it apart. So I'm thinking at this point, you know, we have a limited amount of time, like this guy, eventually he's gonna come downstairs, you know, he's gonna find us, you know. And I was thinking like this kind of a fight or flight situation, I was thinking like, ah, maybe we should just hide in a closet, you know. But then about our obituaries, you know what I mean? Two brothers found cowering in the closet, you know, murdered, you know, it's like, ah, that's not going to work. That's not going to work. This was a fight situation, you know, I was going south, I was going to Antarctica. I was not going to let this guy ruin my new adventure. So I say to my brother, I was like, I'm going to scare him out of the house. I'm going to scare him out. Brother looks at me like, I don't think this is a good idea. You know, my thought process being, you know, like he had no idea that we were in the house. He had no idea what weapons we had. So I say to my brother, I'm going to go to, I'm going to go upstairs and I'm going to scare him out of the house. He's like, okay, I don't think this is a good idea. So I tiptoe up the stairs, we go up the stairs, go into the dining room and then start going toward the living room where it leads to the hallway where he is in all these bedrooms. And we hear this guy, he goes down to the last bedroom, he's in bedroom number three. So he's coming out soon. So as I get around the corner, going into like the dining or into the Living room. I notice a pile of drywall debris right in front of the fireplace. And I look up, and there's a hole in the ceiling. Meaning this guy had been in our attic and he had fallen through the ceiling. He'd been up there and, like, you know, you have to, like, step on the rafters. No, this guy was not smart enough. He'd been up in our attic, just stepped through the drywall, Boom, fell through the ceiling. And that's just a whole nother level of crazy, you know what I mean? Or lack of intelligence. So I'm doubting my plan at this point. I'm thinking to myself, I don't know if this is a good idea, you know, But I'm kind of all in at this point. I'm kind of all in. I have to give an Oscar winning performance. So I'm standing there, you know, I kind of look like Iggy Pop, you know, with a butcher knife in his underwear. You know, I'm a pretty small guy, you know, my little brother, he's behind me. He's not much bigger than me, you know, not a lot of muscle. So I really need to deliver, like, an epic Emmy winning performance. So I figure if he comes out of that door, you know, I'm gonna block and stab, block and stab. So I'm standing there, I crouch down, and I get ready for it, you know, And I'm like, all right, all right. Build myself up. And then I let it rip. I'm like, all right, motherfucker, I got a gun. And I'm gonna come in there and I'm gonna fucking shoot your ass. I'm gonna fucking shoot your ass. On the count of three, motherfucker.

[Sarah Adelman]

What?

[Ezra Holmland]

One, two, three. And then I just hear this chaos of sound. Just this cacophony. Just like things shattering, going everywhere. And then the glass shattering. And then it's quiet. Plan worked. Plan actually worked. Dude jumped out of the window. So I'm standing there just, like, hyped up on adrenaline at this point. I was shaking. I'm looking at my brother, I was like, what do we do now? What do we do now? He's like, I don't know. I don't know. I was like, I think we should get out of the house. The cops are coming. We should get out of the house. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I don't think we should go out the front door. Maybe he's right there. Okay. Okay. So we decide to sneak out of the back of the house. We go out on the opposite side where he jumped out of the window. So we creep up along the side of the house. We get to where the gate, you know, we unlock it, Heads on swivels, just looking for this guy. And then we creep out to the street. We get to the mailbox, and we're standing there, you know, in our underwear, two dudes holding butcher knives, you know, looking around, and finally we see the cops at the end of the street. Cop car comes, starts zooming toward us. And just this wave of relief washes over me like, cops are here. Cops are here. Everything's gonna be all right. So the cop car comes zooming toward us, screeches to a halt. Two cops jump out. They pull their gun. They're like, drop your weapons. Drop your weapons now. We throw our knives to the ground. We're like, we're the ones who made the call. We're the ones who made the call. This is 14233. My parents are Kevin, and at the Homeland, we're the ones who made the call. So the cops, one of the cops, he starts dialing the number on his phone. And the other cop, he's still skeptical. He's like, oh, yeah, if you're the son. So, like, what were you doing in the house? We're like, we were flying out today. We were flying out today. He's like, oh, yeah? Where were you going? Little brother's like, Amsterdam. He's like, where were you going? It's like Antarctica. Hand goes right back on the gun. We're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So the other cop, he's like, hey. He gets a hold of my parents. He's like, hey, hey. These are actually the Sons. They're actually the Sons and the cops like, everyone, let's just relax. Let's just relax. We're like, okay, okay, we're all relaxed here. We're all relaxed. And the cop's like, hey, can you bring us into the house? We're like, sure, sure, sure, sure. So we bring him into the house, you know, find the little, Hide a key, walk in the front door. And as soon as you walk in the front door, you can see the pile of drywall debris in front of the fireplace. Cobb looks up at the hole in the ceiling. He looks at us, and he's like, he was in the attic. We're like, uh huh. And it's like, what was he doing in the attic? Like, I don't know. Then he's like, was there anything, like, valuable in the attic? We're like, huh? Huh? And then the cop's radio starts beeping. He's like, beep, beep, beep, beep. He's like, we have him in custody. We have him in custody. The cop's like, hey, you guys just stay here. You just stay here. And the cop goes out toward the street. And of course we follow him out to the street, and then we see the perpetrator, you know, he's being led up the street, you know, he's got two cops on each side of him, he's in handcuffs, you know, and this guy, this guy, he's wearing black jeans, a black shirt, long sleeve, and he has on a little black Stetson cowboy hat. And the look like the dude hadn't slept in years. He's just mad, dogging everyone, like. So they stuff this guy into the back of the cop car, you know, And I'm looking at this guy, you know, and at this point, you know, it had been a flight or flight situation this whole time, you know, where you stuff all your emotions down into the corner of yourself, but now they all just kind of start flooding back. I'm like, shit, shit. I was like, you know, this could have really gone south on me. You know, this guy is definitely the type of guy, you know, who would have a gun. He could have just walked out and shot me, you know, like, bop, bop. You know, it's like it really could have gone south. And I started laughing to myself a little bit. It's important to find the humor in a situation. And I just kept on giggling to myself throughout the rest of the day, you know, like, going south, going south. Well, it turns out when you're starting a new adventure, you have no idea just how far south things are actually going to go, even if you're headed to Antarctica.

[Ad Read Announcer]

We'll be right back.

[Emma Grade]

I'm Emma Grade, host of Aspire with Emma Grade, a podcast where I sit down with people who don't just dream big, they build big. From culture shaping voices like Mel Robbins, to leaders redefining success like Tracee Ellis Ross, to game changing entrepreneurs like Mark Cuban, Aspire is about mindset, ambition, and doing the work that actually moves the needle. If you're ready to raise your standards and take charge about the life and career you're building aside, Aspire is where you start. Follow and listen to Aspire with me, Emma Greed, an audacy podcast available wherever you get your podcasts.

[Ad Read Announcer]

We're back.

[Kevin Allison]

This is Risk. This is Bunker Buster behind me again. And we just heard from Ezra Holmland. You can check out Ezra's nine part story about living as a fugitive across the [e-mail] now, folks, I just uploaded a brand new check in to our Patreon. A little, you know, letting everyone know how I'm doing now that I'm four months into making Bangkok my new home. And I wanted to share some thoughts and feelings about America, how we're all holding up. It's always top of mind for me. And so that is a very heartfelt and intimate check in over there on Patreon. And speaking of Patreon, one of our Patreon patrons, John Helton, sent us this note with their contribution to help keep Risk running. John said, I've been listening to this show religiously for almost 10 years. It's about God damn time I stopped listening for free. Here's to hoping you reach your financial goals this year and everyone on the team can prosper. Thank you so much for your content and helping me grow as a person person week after week, man. Thank you so much, John. Getting messages like that is, you know, a lot of what keeps us going, you know, a lot of what keeps us going is, is the moral support, you know. Oh, my goodness gracious. Well, I'll tell you, to anyone out there, you too can join our Patreon and help us keep this show running and get bonus stories and an ad free episode feed. You can watch our live shows, the video versions of them, and so much more. It's [e-mail] risk or you can send us a one time donation at paypal.me riskshow. Next up, a story from Sarah Adelman recorded at the Risk live show at Caveat in NYC last June. So here's Sarah Adelman now with the story we call the Long and Winding Road to Semen Analysis.

[Sarah Adelman]

What's going on, y'?

[Ezra Holmland]

All?

[Sarah Adelman]

You having a good time? We're having fun. Okay, awesome. I'm going to be telling you guys a story tonight about how I for two years had every little girl's dream job. I professionally studied semen. I worked at a sperm bank. Does anyone else? Just me. Okay, cool, cool, cool. I will never forget my first day of work at a men's fertility clinic when a lab tech asked if I wanted to look down into a microscope into a petri dish of millions of little sperm wiggling around. And I was like, wow, already? It's 9:08am okay, it's a little early for that. It was my first day, you guys. My first day. Okay. They're like, sarah, welcome to your new job. Here's your sexual harassment packet and the cums on your desk. But I'm not one to say no to a little no strings attached moment. So I look down into that Microsoft, into this petri dish of millions of little spermies wiggling around and my eyes widened as I saw these creatures flopping furiously looking for direction and meaning and attention. They seemed to be screaming up pick me, choose me, love me. And they reminded me so much of myself. You know, they had that anxious, nervous, vaguely disgusting vibe I think I've always had. And I'm looking down into this petri dish of sperm and I see the needy, attention starved kid I'd been looking up at me with pleading eyes. Now, before we go any further, I just want to say I am qualified to be a men's fertility scientist. I didn't just waltz into a sperm bank one day. Don't do that. It wasn't my original field of research, but the road to semen analysis is long and winding. Now, I have been studying semen recreationally for years before I started getting paid for it. Off the clock, freelance, pro bono, which is probably why I took the job. But I'm very qualified as well. I have a bachelor's in medical sociology, I have a master's of Public health. And I trained for two years at a very prestigious, undisclosed medical center here in New York. I can't say where the NDA said I'd have to shoot you guys in the head, but you're just gonna have to believe me on that one. I'm only bringing up my resume for you to understand that even though this is cum, it's serious cum. Okay, great. I'm a very intense and controlling and type A person. And for me as a kid and growing up and coming of age, it wasn't enough for me to just approach my life as a scientist. I had to literally become a scientist. Like careers in science get you on this gorgeous, clear template. It gets you on this conveyor belt, this hamster wheel that if you just hop on and follow the steps, you'll have a good life. It's like bachelor's, master's, mental breakdown research, PhD, start a dissertation, ignore all the published research that disproves your dissertation, graduate research, mental breakdown, postdoc retirement. Beautiful. All I've ever wanted to do is just follow predetermined steps. Anything inside the Pandora's box of the future is terrifying to me. If being a control freak was a rash, I would be covered in red blotches. Only helped by color coded calendars and checklists. And in the real world, it's so hard to tell what's a signal and what's noise because the person I'm dating, my soulmate. How do I know if I'm ready to have kids? Should I quit my day job? Are my parents terrible people? Yes. But in science, you're God. Science is all about controlling X to see the effect on y. Taking confusing findings and summarizing them into easy to read figures. It's all right there. It's all black and white. You can't argue with a P value. While my type A personality helped me in so many ways, it also did paralyze me in others. Like, as a kid, I would freak out if anyone was more than five minutes late to pick me up from school. I would want to call the police. My fingers would bleed from making so many multiplication table flashcards. I still have the callus. I would go to the bathroom during class and do jumping jacks because I'd learned in biology that oxygen helps neural pathways to the brain with memorization, which is a lot. And I felt like I was in a pressure cooker, breaking down from the heat of my own temperature. And to me, with that kind of anxiety, a career in science with a predestined future was definitely the answer. And I took it happily. So I went to school, and then I went to grad school. And then I wanted to get a job in women's health, but no one was hiring, so I worked at a sperm bank, which sort of felt like the next best thing. We had a lot of guys come in. We were paying good money. We were studying microplastics and sperm. We were paying guys $75 to come to the lab and donate a sperm sample. Pretty good. An additional 25 if you referred a friend to our study. Yeah. An additional 25 if you jerked each other off and let me watch. Running out of money, always drinking on the job. And these guys, like, I did feel bad about telling them I was gonna pay them to masturbate. Cause you know that saying was, monetize your hobby, lose the joy. Turns out they're fine.

[Ezra Holmland]

Okay.

[Sarah Adelman]

They soldier on. It was weird being a female research scientist studying men, because you could see the ego just like. Like go up to their head, you know, they kind of puff out like peacocks. Like, I don't know what it was about coming to ejaculate at my place of work. That made a lot of these guys think that we were on a date. But they would hand me Their sad couple, a sperm, low volume. And they'd be like. They'd be like, so, like, what's the move? Like, what's the move? I'm gonna go make fun of your sperm count with my coworkers.

[Kevin Allison]

You know what I mean?

[Sarah Adelman]

Like, I don't know what you're talking about. Are these guys guys? This is so egotistical. They would all ask me the same question. They would be like, so, Sarah, now that you have my sperm, are you gonna try to steal it to get pregnant? Every man that came in asked me that. And I'd be like, why would I want your cum? You know, from the guy who had three hours of free time in the middle of a work day. I mean, nobody wants 1pm Jizz, okay? Nobody wants your matinee cum, okay? I could go to any sperm bank in America and get sperm from, like, Olympic athletes. Me wanting cum from a guy like that would be like me going to Goodwill to get cum. You know what I mean? I don't want it. I really don't. So the job was cool. It was a cool job, right? It was funny and weird and gross, but I liked it. And I was doing real scientific research and it was going great. But the only issue was that no one else who worked at the sperm bank thought that the job was funny, you know, they'd all be like, sarah, semen is not funny. And I would be like, well, depends where it lands, you know what I mean? And I just felt like they were not. I have to, like, keep this poker face on all the time and pretend that, like, pipetting and analyzing jizz. Excuse me. Seminal ejaculate fluid was very serious. Very serious indeed. And so one day I felt like my brain was literally going to explode out of my ears. So I decided to do something that I had always wanted to but never had the guts. And I went all by myself to a standup comedy open mic in Brooklyn. And it didn't go very well, but I kept going back and I started getting better and better. And then it was two years later and I had this double life where I was this Polish research scientist from nine to five and I was doing comedy at night. It was amazing. I had, like, the best of both worlds, but I was brunette in both of them. They said the Hannah Montana reference wouldn't land, but it did. Okay, so I'm living this amazing double life. Come with me. Okay, it's one August, five o' clock in New York. I'm gathering my stuff at the lab, gonna take the subway Home. We'd had a great week. We had just submitted this new abstract, and we were going to be applying to a conference in California. And I heard an email ping, and it was from my hospital's human resources department. And I was like, okay, promoted. Let's go. Let's go. Gonna get my raise. And they were calling me up to the 10th floor. And I walk in, and there's this big conference table, and there's a projector screen on the wall. And I'm introduced to two HR people and a hospital compliance officer and lawyers in suits in August. And they were like, Ms. Adelman, please take a seat. We have a YouTube video we'd like to show you. And they pulled up a YouTube video of me doing stand up. And they couldn't figure out the volume control on the projector. And it went so loud. They went play. And I go on the screen, how's everybody doing tonight? I work at a sperm bank. Every little girl's dream come true. Didn't think I'd be doing so much centrifuging, but at least I'm still drowning in Cummings. And then the lawyer paused the video on the subtitle, Drowning in Calm. And she turned around and looked at me and said, is that you? I was like, no. No, it is not. She said, really? That's not you saying that you work at a sperm bank, which is every little girl's dream come true, and you are drowning income? I was like, not with that delivery. She didn't like that at all. No. They hit play again in the video. I go, don't ever be rude to a scientist, because I'm going in your chart and you're disgusting. And I'm telling all of you, all my friends, it's not a HIPAA violation if you're gossiping, which is something I'm working out with HR right now. I was like, guys, that's pretty funny. I see the irony. They did not like that at all. She was like, Ms. Adelman, you do know it is a HIPAA violation, even if you're gossiping. I was like, I know that. That's why the joke's funny. She was like, well, I personally don't find it funny to joke about violating hipaa. I was like, I'm not. I don't find it funny to joke about joking about violating hipaa. I didn't violate hipaa, and I want you guys to know that. They were like, do you have anything else to disclose at this time? And I did not tell them that I had recently gotten in trouble with my own supervisor for taking all the guys who came out of the sperm bank and ranking them on a variable I created of 1 to 10 on how hot and funny I thought they were in creating correlation matrices in Python to put that against their sperm quality. Allegedly finding a 0.74 positive correlation between how hot and funny I thought they were and their self reported ability to maintain an erection. I scientifically proved big dick energy with a p value of 0.01. Okay. We watched the nine minute video in silence, all seven of us. After which they slid me a 35 page printed transcript where they had transcribed every joke I had ever posted online. This is people with Yale Law degrees sitting around typing out cum and jizz all day. Do you guys need a fucking fidget spinner down in Legal? Like, are you bored? And they said, Ms. Adelman, you have grossly violated our employee code of conduct and we're terminating you. And I was like, for how long? And she was like, sarah, you're fired. Me, Fired me? Violated a code of conduct. I was a girl who highlighted my school handbook at the beach on summer vacation. I love codes. I love conduct. I never even got detention. I tried to tell them that, but I just sounded like a celebrity getting a dui. Being like, do you know who I am? In my official termination letter, it says that I quote, propagated negative gender stereotypes because I was making fun of the way that men were acting at my job. My permanent record has sexism against men on it. Me, kind of a card carrying guy's girl. Okay? I drink Coors Light, people. I'm the one who suggests no condom. I walked home in a stupor, trudging over the Williamsburg Bridge. I'd flown too close to the sun, the cum melting off my wings. I'd have to tell my parents. I mean, how do you tell your parents who pay for you to grow to graduate school school, that overnight you had gone from working at the world's most prestigious hospital to being on Medicaid? It's not funny. That's my life. No, it is funny. I mean, I got home, I couldn't even, like, look my diplomas in the eye, you know, I was too ashamed. And I woke up the next morning disoriented for the first time in my life with nowhere to be. I'd been taking a quick detour off my conveyor belt. I had been forcibly thrown off the path I had gotten on the second I decided I wanted to do science when I was a little kid. I felt untethered Free falling. And I hated it. So I went to a coffee shop with all the other unemployed Brooklynites and edited my resume. And when I was done, I looked at it. Everything I have ever been condensed into a one sheet PDF myself in bullet points. And it looked almost pathetic then, staring back at me. And I scrolled through all the research science job openings in New York and all the upcoming PhD cycles on the east coast. And I was qualified for all of them. But my mouse hovered over every apply button, never clicking. Did I really want to do it all over again? Like, now that I'd seen the light, seen the other side, I wasn't sure if I could go back the other way. And even though it was messy and chaotic and fucking brutal, comedy made me feel like this big bright sun. And even though you couldn't control how much stage time you got, or if someone heckled you or a million things, I still liked it. I still wanted to be in that fiery pit of hell with all the other comics screaming my head off. I guess I thought if I could become a scientist, I could just be a scientist of my own life. Another way to pull my own marionette strings from above. But no one can control their own life. Not even me. I think I was just a test subject all along. You know, accidentally disproving my own hypothesis. So I clicked out of my 284 job tabs. Figured I would give myself one week to think about science, to think about comedy, to think about the plan. Or if I needed a plan. That was two years ago. And my life now looks nothing like I planned or what I thought. And that's okay. I get to do comedy every night. I have a part time day job where I don't have to touch urine. It's great. It's great. And it's not the plan. But it's better than the plan because I let go of the plan. Well, I got fired. But I accepted being fired. And that's progress, right? I don't know. Even though I lost my job, I got to see this whole new way of looking at the world beyond just a petri dish and my own place in it. And I guess that's why we can't have women in stem. Thanks so much guys.

[Kevin Allison]

This is Risk. This is Emily Lewis behind me now. And we just heard from Sarah Adelman. Saradelman Comedy.com is where to find her online. And Sarah's award winning short film, Busted, a 13 minute film adaptation of the story you just heard, is currently on the festival circuit. It's playing February at the New York Comedy Film Festival Festival and in March at Cinequest in San Jose. You can find out more on Sarah's instagram @sara adelman1 now don't forget to check out my latest check in [e-mail] risk and don't forget about my new online storytelling workshop starting on February 15th. You can email me at kevinrisk-show.com to learn more. This episode was directed by Hope Brush and edited by Taj Easton. Both of the stories were coached by Michelle Walson and edited by Hope Brush. Thanks to our business director, J.C. cassis, Our casting director Cindy Freeman, who wants you to send us your story pitches at risk-joe.com submissions and I am Kevin Allison telling you folks, today's the day. Take a risk.