Ezra Holmland (2:48)
So it was just one of those strange anomalies. Both my little brother and I, we were both leaving the country on the same day, both flying out of PDX Portland. I was headed down to Antarctica to begin a six month tour of duty working as a cook at the McMurdo Research Station. And my little brother, he was headed over to Amsterdam to go start living with his new girlfriend. So my parents, they still lived in Portland. So we decided to spend the Night at their place, you know, before we flew out the next day, have a little family reunion. So we show up at my parents place, we have dinner with them. We're sitting around the dinner table talking about our new adventures. I was 27 at the time. Little brother was 24. These are great ages for starting new adventures. So I'm headed down south to Antarctica. Little brother, he's headed over to Amsterdam. We're talking about these new adventures. It's a great time. So my parents, they have to work in the morning and so they go to bed. But they live in a ranch style house, you know, upstairs, but they have a basement. So we go downstairs. My flight was at like three in the afternoon. Brother's flight was at like two in the afternoon so we could continue the party. So little brother and I, we go downstairs, you know, we're drinking beer, we hang out till like one in the morning or so, you know, having a good time, talking about these new adventures. All of our, you know what we're going to do, this great adventure stuff, you know, we're having a great time. So I'm kind of surprised when my little brother, he taps me awake, you know, I'm laying a bed, he taps me awake. I look over at the alarm clock, you know, it says 7:00am and he's like, there's somebody in the house. There's somebody in the house. I look at my brother, I'm like, there's nobody in the house. And then I hear the footsteps upstairs. They're moving quick. They're going from the kitchen to the living room to the dining room. And these are definitely not the footsteps of my parents. They've obviously left and gone to work. So I stand up out of the bed, just wearing my underwear. My brother's just wearing his underwear. And we're listening to the footsteps upstairs. Like oh shit. So we hear the footsteps. They go into my parents bedroom, open the door and they just start rifling through the drawers, just like tearing the place apart. I'm like, oh shit. Oh shit. Now this is the time when cell phones, you know, had just started. I did not have one, neither did my bro. But there was a landline downstairs. So I say to my brother, I was like, hey, hey, you call 91 1. I was like, I'm gonna go upstairs and I'm gonna get weapons. I did not grow up in a house with guns, but there were knives in the kitchen. So the way that the house is set up, the stairs lead up kind of into the dining room close to the kitchen, and I tiptoe up the stairs and I'm listening to the sound of this guy in my parents bedroom just tearing the place apart. I walk up into the kitchen, I grab a couple of butcher knives, you know, off the rack, and I tiptoe back downstairs and my brother, he's on the phone talking to the 911 operator. Like, we live at 14233 Southeast Evens. There's somebody in our house, there's somebody in our house, there's somebody robbing us, you know. So I walk back down the stairs, you know, and I hand my brother a butcher knife, you know, and I've got one in my hand. So we're sitting there, we listen to the guy, he's up in my parents bedroom and then he goes down the hallway, he goes into bedroom number two. He starts tearing that bedroom apart, just ripping it apart. So I'm thinking at this point, you know, we have a limited amount of time, like this guy, eventually he's gonna come downstairs, you know, he's gonna find us, you know. And I was thinking like this kind of a fight or flight situation, I was thinking like, ah, maybe we should just hide in a closet, you know. But then about our obituaries, you know what I mean? Two brothers found cowering in the closet, you know, murdered, you know, it's like, ah, that's not going to work. That's not going to work. This was a fight situation, you know, I was going south, I was going to Antarctica. I was not going to let this guy ruin my new adventure. So I say to my brother, I was like, I'm going to scare him out of the house. I'm going to scare him out. Brother looks at me like, I don't think this is a good idea. You know, my thought process being, you know, like he had no idea that we were in the house. He had no idea what weapons we had. So I say to my brother, I'm going to go to, I'm going to go upstairs and I'm going to scare him out of the house. He's like, okay, I don't think this is a good idea. So I tiptoe up the stairs, we go up the stairs, go into the dining room and then start going toward the living room where it leads to the hallway where he is in all these bedrooms. And we hear this guy, he goes down to the last bedroom, he's in bedroom number three. So he's coming out soon. So as I get around the corner, going into like the dining or into the Living room. I notice a pile of drywall debris right in front of the fireplace. And I look up, and there's a hole in the ceiling. Meaning this guy had been in our attic and he had fallen through the ceiling. He'd been up there and, like, you know, you have to, like, step on the rafters. No, this guy was not smart enough. He'd been up in our attic, just stepped through the drywall, Boom, fell through the ceiling. And that's just a whole nother level of crazy, you know what I mean? Or lack of intelligence. So I'm doubting my plan at this point. I'm thinking to myself, I don't know if this is a good idea, you know, But I'm kind of all in at this point. I'm kind of all in. I have to give an Oscar winning performance. So I'm standing there, you know, I kind of look like Iggy Pop, you know, with a butcher knife in his underwear. You know, I'm a pretty small guy, you know, my little brother, he's behind me. He's not much bigger than me, you know, not a lot of muscle. So I really need to deliver, like, an epic Emmy winning performance. So I figure if he comes out of that door, you know, I'm gonna block and stab, block and stab. So I'm standing there, I crouch down, and I get ready for it, you know, And I'm like, all right, all right. Build myself up. And then I let it rip. I'm like, all right, motherfucker, I got a gun. And I'm gonna come in there and I'm gonna fucking shoot your ass. I'm gonna fucking shoot your ass. On the count of three, motherfucker.
