Ezra Holmland (6:35)
So I was 23 years old, and for the first time in my life, I'd moved in with a girlfriend for legal reasons, let's call her Kate. So Kate and I had moved in together. We'd gotten an apartment in Southeast Portland. Now, at the time, I was working as a cook at this high end downtown restaurant. One of those exposed kitchens so people can see you working one of those kind of kitchens. And Kate, she was a bit of a hippie, you know, studied naturopathic medicine in college. She had a trunk full of tinctures. But at the time, she worked as a nanny for this rich couple over in Northwest Portland. So the first few months of living together, things are going great, absolutely great. I'm enjoying it. I'm like, yeah, I'm living with a woman. This is working out. I like this, I like this. And then I come home from work one evening, like three months into it or so, 10 o'clock in the evening or so, and I walk in. When I walk inside, there's a chair in the middle of the living room, you know, strategically placed. And I look over and she's sitting at the kitchen table and she's staring at me and she says, sit down, sit down. I'm like, okay. So I go over and I sit down and I'm trying to figure out, like, what I had done wrong. I'm racking my brain. I'm racking my brain, like, I can't think of anything that I've done wrong. And she says, so, Thatcher. And she waits for a response. Now, Thatcher, Thatcher was a character that I used in my journal. I used to write in my journal about things that had happened to me. All the crazy shit that happens in this life, but I wrote about it in third person. Get myself a little bit of distance, you know, so I could help make sense of things. I look at her, I'm like, hey, that's my journal. What are you doing reading my journal? That's private. But she does not really care about that because she is not happy with some of the things that Thatcher had done. Now, I didn't write chronologically. I Didn't write what happened yesterday or anything like that. So, you know, the things that they were out of order. So she says to me, so, you like cheating on me, Thatcher? You like cheating on me? Is that what you like? And I'm like, oh, my God. I was like, hey, that's my journal. That's private. But she's not interested in that. And she stands up and she says, so, Thatcher, you like fucking girls with multiple personalities? Is that what you like, Thatcher? Is that what you like? And she runs at me, knocks me back on my chair onto the floor, and she's on top of me, and she is going to pound town, but not the good kind of pound town. So this is where the story gets a little weird. So she's on top of me, and her fists are just raining down on me. But this night that she is referencing, this journal entry, it was so traumatic. It was such a weird night for me that I can't help it. I have a little PTSD flashback. So this journal entry that she is referencing, it happened when I was 22, before I'd even met Kate. So I was at a bar one evening, of course, and I'd met this woman at a bar, extremely attractive, and she was talking to me, and I was like, this is great. This is great. You know, And I'm talking to her, but my spidey senses were up because, you know, she was just a little off. I would ask her questions like, where are you from? She's like, I'm from Quebec, but I'm from here now. Little things like that. I'm like, okay, okay, it's a little weird, but when you're 22 and you're drinking, you know what I mean? You let things slide. And she said a bunch of other strange things, but, you know, I just kind of let it slide. So when she invited me home, you know, of course I said yes. So we walked the 10, 12 blocks back to her place, and we get back to her place, and we get in front of the house, and she stops me, and she's like, hey, I know it's a little awkward, but I still live with my mom. We have to be super quiet. We can't wake her up. It'll just ruin everything. We can't wake her up. I was like, okay, okay. You know, it reminded me of, like, being back in high school. I thought it would be, like, sneaking in made it more exciting. So we sneak into the house. She quietly opens the front door, and we tiptoe upstairs, and we get to a Bedroom on the far back of the house. And she quietly opens the bedroom door. She quietly closes the bedroom door behind her. And then she's standing there in front of me. It's dark, but the room is slightly illuminated. There's a little streetlight coming in from a street lamp. And she's standing five, six feet away from. From me. And then she just takes off all of her clothes, gets fully naked in front of me. And internally, I'm like, yes, yes, yes. You know, I'm really excited about that. And then she goes over and she climbs into the bed. So, you know, I assume that that's an invitation. I think most people would assume that that's an invitation. So I take off all my clothes, you know, and I climb into the bed next to. And she's laying there with her back kind of facing toward me. She's facing the wall. And I go in for a little spoon action, you know, and I put my hand on her thigh and gently stroke her thigh. And then I hear, don't touch me. So I roll back over, and I'm laying there looking up at the ceiling. Like, did I just hear a demonic voice? Did I just hear a demonic voice? I'm like, no. It's like, I'm gonna start replaying things. I'm like, o got naked in front of me. She climbed into the bed. Like, I'm. You know, I'm not prone to auditory hallucinations or anything. So I'm just. I'm laying there, I'm trying to figure out, you know, remember, I'm 22. I've had a few beers, you know, and I just want to make sure that I hadn't invented everything just to be sure. And I make the mistake. I roll back over, you know, and I put my hand on her thigh again just to be sure. Just to be sure. Big mistake. Big mistake. Because as soon as I do that, she pops up, she has her knees pin my shoulders down. She's on top of me. Her hair is hanging down across her breast, and she's looking down at me, and she has a completely different face. It's just changed. And she looks down at me, and she says this in a completely different voice. Completely different voice. All right, we're going to do this, but you need to understand two things. One, I never want to see you again. Two, I want you to come inside of me. Now, nobody's ever said that to me before. It's usually not like a typical line on a first date. And she's on top of me, you know, and she's grinding, getting me all excited and I can't help it, I can't help it. I find myself getting a little excited, you know, by. I just can't help it. So she takes my cock and just jams inside of her. And then she just starts piston fucking me. Like an engine just revved up, just fucking going to town, just. And I'm laying there like, oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. You know? And after a couple minutes I'm laying there, I'm like, slow down, slow down. But she's not interested in anything that I have to say and she just keeps going. So a few minutes into it, you know, I was like, oh, I found myself getting close and I try to do like the slip out, you know, but she's having none of that, man, none of that. Takes my cock and just jams it right back inside her. And she's like, now it just keeps pissed and fucking me. I'm laying there like, ah, Jesus. And then it's over. So when it's over, when I finish, she rolls back off and she goes back to like facing the wall. And I'm laying there in the bed like, oh, God. It's like, what just happened? What just happened? I'm still trying to process if I heard a demonic voice at the beginning. And I'm laying there like, oh, Jesus. So like a few minutes of laying there, I don't know what came over me, but I just wanted like a little physical companionship, a little bit of comfort. And man, I make the mistake. I go in for a little cuddle. Big mistake, big mistake. Because as soon as I do that, going for a little spoon action, boom. She pops back up and does the exact same thing. Pins me down and says the exact same thing verbatim, like nothing had happened before. Says the exact same thing in the exact same voice. Alright, we're gonna do this, but you need to understand two things. One, I never want to see you again. And you guys remember rule number two. I'm just laying there, you know, and this time, this time I just let it happen. I don't even fight it, you know. And she does the exact same thing. Just, just piston fucking me. I'm just laying there like, oh, Jesus, Jesus. You know? And this time when it's over, you know, when it's all done, she does the same thing. Rolls off, faces the wall. And I'm just laying there just trying to process, trying to process. As I'm laying there, I make a terrible, terrible mistake. I fall asleep. So I wake up in the morning. And when I wake up in the morning, you know, rub my eyes like where I was like, oh. And it all comes back to me. And I look over and she's cuddled up next to me, all soft. And she's got a completely different face. Like her eyes have changed. Everything has changed. And she said, good morning. And this little kid, like a seven year old voice, I'm like, oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. You know, shame just starts washing over me. And then she says, do you live with your mama? I was like, oh, oh, no. I was like, no, I don't live with my mama. She's like, why don't you live with your mama? Like, because I grew up and I moved out of the house. She says, oh, I think everyone should live with their mama. I was like, oh, okay, okay. And then there's a noise in the hallway. And I watch her face change. You know, it goes from this soft little baby face to, like something different. She gets serious, her eyes change, she stands up, she starts getting dressed, and she walks out into the hallway, you know, and at this point, I sit up, you know, just this icky, dirty feeling is washing over me in regret. And I start putting my clothes on and I hear them arguing. It's her mother, and they're arguing in the hallway. And her mother's like, what were you doing? You were going out to bars. You know how dangerous that is. And then they start arguing about her not taking her medication. I'm like, oh, Jesus, Jesus. So I'm putting my shoes on and her mother walks into the room. She's like, good morning. Good morning. And then the mom opens it, you know, has the door, and she's like, you know, leave. So I walk out of the house, you know, and I walk outside. And when I get outside, you know, the sun is extremely bright that morning. You know, vampire status. It's just like, Jesus. So I come to you out of this PTSD daydream and Kate's on top of me, you know, her fists are just raining down on me. And I realized that, like, I actually deserve a little bit of this beating. You know, I should have left. I should have left as soon as she said the two rules. I should have just left. I should have stood up, like, no, left. But I didn't. I stayed. So I deserved a little bit of that beating. But at the same time, you know, I realized, like, I still needed a face. You know, you have to have a face in this life to interact with people. It really helps if you had a face, you know, So I have to put a stop to it. So I grab her arms and I roll her over, you know, and blood is, like dripping off my face down onto Kate, you know, And I was like, are you done? Are you done? And she kind of comes to snaps out of her rage. So, you know, I stand up. She kind of gives me the nod, like, yeah, I'm done. So I go and I go to the bedroom and I start packing up my clothes. I put them all into a basket, and then I grab my journal, you know, and I grab all my fishing gear and everything. And then I call my brother. My brother, he lives like half mile away or something. I was like, hey, man, can I come stay with you tonight? Had a bit of a rough night. And he's like, yeah, yeah, sure. So he comes and picks me up. I'm standing on the curb. He has one look at my face and he's like, oh, shit. So I get in the car and I tell him the whole story, and he starts laughing. You know, he's got a bit of a six sense of humor, like I do. So I spend the night at my brother's place. So the next morning, you know, I go to work, and the head chef, he has one look at me and he's like, yeah, you can have the day off because you did not want someone who looked like me cooking your food. Remember, it was an exposed kitchen. He's like, no, go home. So I went home. I went to my brother's place and I sat down on the couch and I went over and I grabbed my journal. Figure it was time for a journal entry, you know, And I was flipping through the pages, and it was like, thatcher, Thatcher, Thatcher. And as soon as I got to a blank page for the first time, I started with the word I because I realized if I was ever going to start making sense of, like, all the crazy shit that happens in this world, the first thing that I needed to do was start writing myself into my own stories. We'll be right back.