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- [00:01]
Melinda Hill
I think you're on mute.
- [00:03]
Kevin Allison
Workday starting to sound the same.
- [00:06]
Melinda Hill
I think you're on mute.
- [00:07]
Kevin Allison
Find something that sounds better for your career on LinkedIn. With LinkedIn job collections you can browse curated collections by relevant industries and benefits like Flexpto or Hybrid Workplaces so you can find the right job for you. Get started@LinkedIn.com jobs finding where you fit. LinkedIn knows how McDonald's meets the Minecraft universe with one of six collectibles and.
- [00:34]
Dave Ross
Your choice of a Big Mac or.
- [00:36]
Kevin Allison
10 piece McNuggets with spicy nether Flame sauce. Now available with a Minecraft movie meal.
- [00:42]
Kurt Braunohler
I participate in McDonald's for a limited time.
- [00:44]
Kevin Allison
A Minecraft movie only in theaters. Spring into deals with fresh savings at Lowe's right now, get four stay green or premium two cubic foot mulch bags for just $10 plus get up to 35% off. Select major appliances and save $50 on every $500 you spend on select LG appliances. Shop in store or online today. Lowes we help you Save valid through 4:30. Selection varies by location while supplies last. See associate@lowe's.com for more details or qualifying items. Excludes Alaska and Hawaii.
- [01:15]
Kurt Braunohler
Hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. This week, an episode that premiered in April of 2013. It's an episode we call Dirty Work. Hello kids, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison. This is Fujiya and Miyagi behind me now. And we're calling today's episode Dirty Work because these are four stories about people who got into messy situations while pursuing their careers. We're going to hear from comedian Dave Ross in just a little bit, but before that, we'll hear a tale told at the Risk Live show in Los Angeles. Over there at the Nerdmelt Theater, this is the lovely and talented comedian Melinda Hill with a story she calls six Ways to Bomb on America's Got Talent.
- [03:22]
Melinda Hill
So, hi guys. So for New Beginnings, is anybody thinking about joining or auditioning for America's Got Talent? This could be a new beginning for you. So I thought I would help you with this. I have some experience with it. I was on it. Did anyone see that by chance? No, because nobody we know watches it. But it's a show. You guys know what it is, right? Okay, so I'm gonna do six ways to bomb on America's Got Talent to help you guys out. Okay? Okay. So the number one, and I'll tell you all the ways first, and then we'll go back and we'll review. This will help you with your new beginning. Okay? Six ways to bomb in America's Got Talent. Number one, set out to do well and then do not. Number two, do not be a crowd pleaser. It's very important. Number three, refuse to give real answers in your interview. Number four, definitely do a rape joke. That's a no brainer. Number five, refuse to jump up and down to show excitement. Very important, you guys. Number six, have the entire Internet agree that you're not a crowd pleaser. Okay? So let's go back and review. Number one, was set out to do well, and then do not. And I can tell you about my experience with this. Very few things in life can compare to standing in front of your giant name in red and yellow lights. Literally, the set was my name. And bombing on national television. Maybe if somebody tuned in during that time, they would be like, oh, who's this poor girl? They didn't need to ask that because there was my name. It's amazing, though, like, how entitled people feel to just come up and tell you what they thought about your set. When they see that happen. People are just like, yeah, you looked stiff. That could have been really big for you. Like a game changer. Too bad my dad hated you. It's like a real conversation starter, like bombing on national television. And it's a real conversation ender. So here you might not know if you're bombing or not. It's hard to tell sometimes if there's a lot of lights, your face. So here are some telltale signs. You're talking and people are laughing at one point, and then they are not. Okay. And then it just kind of dissipates into a shocked silence. Okay? And when this sort of approval and support of 3,000 people in a studio audience and three celebrity judges and 20 million TV viewers dissipates into a shocked quiet, one could observe that without laughter, stand up is just a sad person talking to a lot of people. Okay? Number two, do not be a crowd pleaser. So I went to see my managers at Brillstein Entertainment here in Los Angeles, and I was like, you guys, I think I'm thinking about doing America's Got Talent. And they were like, that show is for amateurs. You're a professional comedian. We represent professionals. You are no different than our other clients. Jennifer Aniston and Natalie Portman, except they have millions of dollars in the bank and you don't. And then I said, well, my friend did it last year, and she did well on it, and she's a comedian. And so they pulled up her clip, and they watched it online, and they were like, melinda, this girl is an impressionist. Impressionists are crowd pleasers. You are not a crowd pleaser. And then my other manager said, melinda, do you realize that they boo people on that show? Just imagine it. Tons of people just yelling boo on national television. Nope, not for you. So I'm like, you guys, I hear what you're saying, but. But I really don't. I think it'll be fun and, like, a silly experience. And, like, it's only 90 seconds of jokes, you know, for the audition. And I'm used to doing four and a half minutes of jokes, like on Ferguson and Comedy TV and all these other shows. Like, how hard could it be? So my manager said, all right, if you want to end your career, this is as good a way as any. If you want to pander to the lowest common denominator, who are we to stop you? He was joking. But anyway, I went and did it. Okay, so number three, refuse to give real answers in the interview. This is very important. Reality shows are known for people, really, their personal triumphs and their sad stuff that happened to them. So I thought, as a comedian, it would be more appropriate to give silly answers in the interview. So backstage, when they were interviewing me, they were like, so, do you think you could win this contest? And I'm like, I'm really only here to meet my real dad, who I have reason to believe is Howard Stern. I'm not trying to win this contest so much as look for a strand of DNA, a hair, and a cup. They're like, really? Do you think you could win this contest? I'm like, I would love to win the toaster oven or whatever you guys are giving away. How did you get into stand up? Well, I have always wanted to do stand up. It's been a lifelong dream. So you can imagine how sad it was when I was born with no legs. Stand up. I couldn't even sit up right. So they put the camera down, like, totally pissed. Like, you need to give real answers. And I'm like, I can't do it. And they were pissed. Okay, number four, do a rape joke. So these are the jokes I was gonna do that I did for my America's Got Talent audition. It's only five jokes. I'll tell You. The first three. The first one goes, I've been thinking of joining a religion. I just don't know which one to join because there's so many options, and it's confusing. Religions are like rappers, and they all claim to be the best one, but the more popular they are, the more they get away with rape.
- [10:40]
Cindy Freeman
Thank you.
- [10:41]
Melinda Hill
Thank you. And the second one goes, a lot of people have a personal motto or creed that they like to live by. I guess my personal creed is just no matter how bad things are, they would definitely be worse if a creed song was playing. And then I think it's so important to value the sacred institution of marriage. I'm not personally married, but I do have a boyfriend, and he's married, and so on. And so they didn't air my initial audition, but they flew me instead to New Jersey Performing Arts center to compete in the contest. One of the YouTube 12 YouTube acts. Like, we found these great acts on YouTube in the quarterfinals of the show. So before they. During this time, they're like, you need to. You can't do the rape joke. The aforementioned rape jokes. Standards and practices reasons. And also, you're going to need to change your entire act. You have to do jokes that judges haven't seen yet. So, you know, I was like, fuck what I'm gonna do. And hadn't really had to, like, make such an abrupt change since my entire childhood growing up with a bipolar dad, like, moving 27 times. So I just was, like, trying to regroup from being censored. And meanwhile, there was another contestant in the show whose talent consisted solely of getting kicked in the nuts. Okay, number five. Oh. So what I ended up doing was using some jokes I'd used on other TV shows. I've been on so many shows, I was like, I don't want to use these again. What are you going to do? Number five, Refuse to jump up and down. Okay. This is so important, because after my audition, my first audition, I walked up the stage, and the celebrity judges were Sharon Osborne, Howie Mandel, and Howard Stern in there. Had moved me on to the next level, sort of reluctantly. And the camera person was like, how do you feel? And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know if that went well. I don't even know if this is airing. And she's like, how does it feel to be validated by America? I'm like, I don't really think I was validated by America. Am I wrong? And they turn the camera off. They're, like, totally pissed. They're like, we need you to be excited. Like, jumping up and down. They gesture to all the people who are genuinely excited to move on to Vegas. Like, the dance acts and the bands crying tears of gratitude. And they're like, let's try this again. And I'm like, I don't really jump up and down to show enthusiasm. Like, no matter how excited I am. Let's try this again. Are you excited to be validated by America? I was like, maybe. Was this the best night of your life? I mean, it was pretty good, Number six. Oh, so I forgot to tell you because I failed. I failed miserably. The enthusiasm hand job. So they tried to, like, change tack. And they're like, trying to get me to, like, belittle my opponents. They're like, you're the only girl comic in the contest. Do you think you could beat the male comics? And I'm like, I don't know. They seem solid. They seem like nice comics. Guys. They're like, yeah, but you're a girl. You're gonna bring something different to the table that the guys can't right. Something. You're gonna bring something they can't do. I'm like, what do they want me to like, yes. What I intend to bring to the table is a giant vagina that America can climb up into. But I guess, like, they don't really. People don't tune into a reality show, you know, to see like a twice daily meditator. Just say, like, you know, there's enough for everyone. We all have a special gift to share. The gentlemen seem very nice. Okay, number six. And lastly, and this is so important, have the Internet agree that you're not a crowd, please. After I bombed on national television, I went back to the best Western. Plus in New Jersey, I was by myself. I fell into a downward Google spiral, like, just googling the comments about the show. It was like, just eviscerating me. These people were like, she's not funny. She used the same jokes on Craig Ferguson four years ago. She needs to brush her hair. And I was like, oh, my God, did I ruin my life? Like, should I hang myself from the floral drapes and the best Western? Plus, I was like, on this business chair. I was, like, thinking I should text my mom from the sad future of my east coast time zone. She was like, in Kansas, like, throwing a viewing party at a hot wings bar. And it was gonna air there, like, in a couple hours. And I was like, should I let her know, like, cancel the party? But I didn't know what to. I found myself feeling like it was kind of like my own personal Vietnam. And, like, I was kind of like, jealous of this other contestant whose talent was playing bells in a bird mask, because even though the judges hated him, he still had his anonymity. So basically, I was really scared that my managers were just gonna drop me. But to this day, they've never mentioned it. I don't think they ever saw it. So please don't let them know that I bombed on America's Got Talent. Thank you very much, and I hope this helps you have the new beginning.
- [17:27]
Dave Ross
You're looking, Melinda Hill. I've always been terrified of confrontation. It's not that fighting never came up. When it would come up, my response was, you win. Like, ah. Like, never wanted to have anything to do with it. I've always been slightly terrified of men in general. Just, like, the shape and they're like, just looming. Figure of a man coming by is like, clearly that man that I don't know hates me and I'm gonna die. Like, that's kind of the way that I've floated through life. Also, I'm very liberal. And, you know, as a liberal, I think I'm contractually obligated to be afraid. But I fell in love with radio when I was in college. And the first job I got out of college was six hours a week, midnight to six, as a DJ at 103.7 KRZR, the wild hare in Fresno, California. And the station was like a man station. I mean, they're called the Wild Hare. The Wild Hare, by the way, is a reference to that term. He has a wild hair up his ass. So it's basically like, we're krzr. We're in your ass. What the station played was this disturbed. God, smack it. Like, anything that would be in a navy ad was played on this station. And it was just like all the DJs were, when they were on the air were like, hey, you like beer? Here's Metallica. Like, that's the way the station was. Like, we like man stuff. Show me your boobs. I own a truck. Like, that's the way that the station was. And I was listening to the station as I was driving in, you know, for my. Like, for moving there for my first day of work. And I remember thinking like, Dave.
- [19:46]
Melinda Hill
When.
- [19:46]
Dave Ross
You do this, you're gonna. You gotta not be a pussy. You're gonna come across some men. You gotta amp up the confidence, man. You gotta do this. And, you know, surprisingly, to me, it was great for, like, A year. It was wonderful. I moved slowly up the ranks. We did a lot of writing, comedy writing, audio sketches, and I would perform in, like, stunts with them and stuff. And I became really good friends with all them. It was a lot of fun. But like I said, I performed in stunts. So then I've been there for about a year, I think, and election day comes around, and I'm actually voting when I get this phone call. And here's what a liberal, hippie, dippy asshole I am. In 2004, I wrote in Noam Chomsky and Bugs Bunny as the ticket I was voting for because, like, John Kerry was a robot or whatever I thought. So I'm walking out of the polling place stoked on my dumb decision, and I got a phone call from the afternoon DJ at the station, and he wants me to come down and do a bit. I'm like, yeah, of course. I love radio. This is all I want to do. I'm in. I don't even ask him what the bit is. I go down to the station. But here's the bit. Me and a listener that had called in were going to be driven out to a polling place in the rich part of Fresno, and we would fist fight, one of us wearing a John Kerry mask and the other one wearing a George Bush mask to determine the winner of the election. My first thought, I didn't know the listener. When they told me this, I was excited because I thought that I was going to be fighting the intern whose name was Manhole. And Manhole was a friend of mine. And he was just crazy. He was just like a crazy drunk kid who wore tutus all the time and just, like, ran into walls. But no, Manhole was officiating the fight. The listener that they called in, this is literally what he said when I met him. I was like, hey, what's up, man? I'm Dave. He was like, hey, what's up? I'm Steve. And I was like, what's up, Steve? And he goes, I used to be in a Peckerwood Gang. The Peggarwood Gang is a prison Nazi gang. Those Peckerwoods are Nazis in prison. And when someone says, what's up? They don't mean, were you in prison and what'd you do while you were there? That's not what that question means. But that's what he said. It was just on the tip of his fucking tongue. It was terrifying. We get in the car and we drive out to the rich part of Fresno, which, yes, that exists. I know when people think of Fresno they think of biker gangs and like date rape, which is mostly what happens in that city. But there is one part of town that is incredibly affluent. Like really just, I mean, honestly, just think of Brentwood, it's crazy. Just rolling well manicured lawns and big beautiful Victorian style homes, you know, and, and there was a polling place in the garage of one of these people. So there are just all these, you know, Lexuses and Beemers pulling up and parking on the street. And mostly old people, mostly elderly people were just sort of being pushed in wheelchairs up this pristine stone driveway or you know, people in business suits getting off of work, just going to their polling place down there. Rich ass street. And here we roll up in just like a shitty 87 Camry I think is what Manhole drove. We get out this Nazi who'd just gotten out of prison and me who thought he was like punk rock or whatever. When we just go out and we stand in the street right at the bottom of the driveway in these people's way as they're trying to go vote. I slide on my John Kerry mask. He puts on his George Bush mask. And Manhole is wearing a tutu right now. So we're both wearing plastic masks. Manhole has a tutu. He's on the phone with Rick Rodham, which is the DJ's name by the way, born for radio. Rick Rodham and Manhole. I can't even. Oh God. Going about that for days. So Rick Rodham's on the phone with Manhole and Manhole's like, alright, we ready, we ready, we ready. I'm just losing my mind. This dude was a Nazi. He like, I just, I gotta put on this John Kerry mask. And it's, it's just like a piece of laminated paper and with holes poked through. So I can't, I'm not gonna be able to see. And I'm pouring sweat. And he can smell the fear. I know he can smell the fear. Manhole can tell, he's like, calm down dude. It's like not a big, not that big of a deal. I'm like, I can't do it, man. I can't do it. I can't do it. He's like, you have to do it. We're going on the air in, in like one minute. Oh my God. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. But then right before Manhole rings the bell, I had this weird moment, this explosion of confidence where I was like, wait a minute, this guy's wearing a George Bush mask and he's a Nazi. When the fuck else am I gonna get the chance to fight Nazi George Bush? Yeah, I'm punching Nazi George Bush in the face. This motherfucker's going down. I'm gonna win this shit. He rings the bell, and I just unload it on him. I punched him in the face like eight times. Just boom, boom, boom, boom. All one hand. I didn't know how to fight. Just bam, bam, bam, bam. Just yelling things like, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
- [25:06]
Kevin Allison
I just.
- [25:07]
Dave Ross
I kicked his ass. I destroyed him in this first round. He was, like, in a daze. But then round two comes, and Nazi George Bush isn't around anymore. Bell rings, One punch. I hit the floor. Just boom. And just for good measure, the guy ran up and tapped me in the nuts. Just. Just a little extra. You boom. And this is all live on the radio. I'm crying about my balls. My face just. God, was horrible. But it did predict the election, like, perfectly. John Gary got nut tapped in 2004. And what's really amazing is on the drive home, the guy leaned forward into the front seat and said, hey, do you guys want to smoke some weed? I was just like, dude, you're not supposed. I thought you were a Nazi, man. I just thought you hated Jews. I thought that's what you do. He's like, oh, nah, man, that's in the past. Live and let live. That's what I say now. Dude, I voted for Nader. So if I look back at it, what happened in that guy's mind was he was like, oh, man, this is gonna be fun. I'm gonna do this radio bid. I'm gonna fight this kid. I mean, I'm not gonna, like. We're not gonna fight, fight. We'll fight and, you know moves. We'll just say, someone won, and that's good. And then. And then this, like, crazy, terrified kid was like.
- [26:42]
Kevin Allison
Just, like, punched him in the face.
- [26:44]
Dave Ross
Bunch of times, and he was like, well, I guess I'm gonna kill him. I guess I have to kill him and I guess I have to kill him now. I was wrong. I up. That's crazy.
- [27:09]
Kevin Allison
It'S such a nice day Be on the mainstay don't clown skipping violence and ordinarily it's scary, baby I.
- [27:22]
Cindy Freeman
Don'T feel so very good.
- [27:27]
Dave Ross
Like you.
- [27:27]
Cindy Freeman
Say I should oh, oh, oh Feeling.
- [27:33]
Kevin Allison
So sad it's the best thing I've.
- [27:37]
Cindy Freeman
Ever found Fucking night I'm feeling suicidal.
- [27:46]
Kurt Braunohler
This is risk that was Dave Ross with a story we call Politics as Usual. And this is Brad behind me now. In just a bit, we're going to hear a story from Kurt Bronler at the Risk live show in Los Angeles. But before that, let's hear one from my good friend Cindy Freeman. Very talented actress that you can often see at the New York show. And and I am not lying. Here's Cindy with a story we call Time to go.
- [28:40]
Cindy Freeman
So it's 1988, I'm 24 years old and the biggest concern for me at the time is my love life. I'm dating a stand up comic named Matt who is really, really angry. And when I started dating him, he wasn't so angry. But lately his attitude had just gotten really hard to live with. I was working at a murder mystery interactive dinner theater. One of the cast members, Chris and I were really getting closer together and I was developing just the beginnings of a crush on him. And even Chris was saying as much of the cast was, what's wrong with this boyfriend of yours? And Chris was hinting, you know, you don't necessarily need to stay with somebody who's like that. Other people would date you. He and I, we really were cut from the same cloth. I had gone over to his apartment once with the rest of the cast to watch a movie after one of the early night shows. And the second I got in there, everything on his walls was everything that I collect. Movie posters from the 1950s high camp, tchotchkes, 3D, Elvis clocks, like whatever weirdness was there, like I owned some. And I was just like, who is this person who decorates the way I would if my boyfriend would allow it? And there were these points in the show where there were cast members who would show up later in the performance. So we would be huddled away upstairs out of the sight lines of the audience for about 45, and it would be Chris and me. And he would bring in comic books and everything he brought in I love. Like clearly we, we really were soulmates. And to me, that just like I was so torn, like, do I stay with the, the man who's having a hard time or do I leave him for my soulmate? You know, and that was the biggest issue for me that day. So it is after our show on Halloween Eve and Chris's cat has just passed away and I'm sitting at the bar commise with him over this absolutely heartbreaking situation and my boyfriend shows up. So I'm pulled away from Chris. Talked to my boyfriend, it's a Halloween party and he's come by after a standup gig. I'm sitting with him when in comes this guy named Mike. Now, Mike is a regular at the bar. He is a handyman. And I think that he actually gets paid perhaps a little bit in liquor. Like he has a free open tab for all the work he does there. Because he is there every single night. He's a real character, a real blue collar, Cambridge, Boston kind of guy. He is dressed as the Grim Reaper with white makeup and black around his eyes and black lipstick and a hood and a plastic sickle. And he is telling us, I am gonna be the star of tonight's show. Meaning the Halloween party. Our show's over. He goes, you think you guys do it? Well, downstairs in the interactive murder mystery. I'm doing special effects. This is gonna be. You've never seen anything like this. And he opens up his shirt for us and underneath he's got this. It looks like really bad bondage attire. It is a harness of sorts, made out of the same kind of nylon that you would find for a safety belt and a car that he, you know, I'm like, where'd you get that? He goes, I bought it over at the hardware store. I made this up. I saw. I saw Alice Cooper. I'm gonna hang myself the way Alice Cooper did. I saw in a concert. It's gonna be great. And we're like, okay, okay, Mike. And he is so excited. He is gonna be the star of this show. And you know, that's okay. That's great, you know. So we go back to talking and he gets himself a chair and with one of his friends, he is looking at the beams. There's a lot of wooden beams in this bar on the ceiling. And he's looking at a beam. When the owner of the bar comes over to him. And again, I don't really hear what they say, but I can tell the owner's like just shaking his head like, don't you dare. And there's an argument taking place. Mike really wants to do this stunt. You know, Halloween is not going to be Halloween until he has done this stunt. The owner, they're not in my bar. So, owner goes back to work. Mike's all bummed out and he's, you know, I'm sorry, you know, he won't let me do it and stuff like that. We're all like, okay, Mike, you know, and it's funny cause he's just like so excited. He's like a five year old on Christmas about this. And then the owner at about midnight leaves. And the second he leaves, it's like Mike is watching the door and he's like, he's gone. He's gone. Okay, get the chair. So he grabs the chair, and at this point there's like 50 people in the bar. And he manages with one of his friends to get the harness on one of the beams. And then he takes the. He's got a piece of rope with a noose and he flips it over the beam. And then he's like, okay, okay, grab the chair, grab the chair. And so somebody takes the chair away. And now he's hanging there, but not by the rope, by this sort of nylon cord that is, you know, coming out from the back. And then he's like hanging there in midair. And he starts doing this shaking thing. And like, he's shaking like he's hanging, but then the noose falls off the beam and it's like in front of him, like a necktie. Like, this isn't. This is bad special effects, you know. But we're all like, yay. And we applaud because he's been supportive of us. And we're actors, we understand, and so we try to be supportive.
- [34:23]
Dave Ross
Yay.
- [34:23]
Cindy Freeman
And everybody applauds. And then he's like, isn't this great? Isn't great?
- [34:27]
Kurt Braunohler
Yay.
- [34:28]
Cindy Freeman
It's great. Then his friends are like, okay, Mike, that was great. Let's get down. He's like, no, no, no, this is fun. I want to hang here for a while. And he's definitely enjoying being the center of attention. They're like, it's not funny, Mike. And he's like, I'm gonna do it again. He closes his eyes and shakes and like, he's having a seizure. And nobody's going, yay. This time. They're like, okay, Mike, you know, it's not funny anymore. It's time to get down. And he suddenly slumps his head over to the side and his tongue hangs out. And it's like, mike. And he puts his head back up and laughs. Ha, ha ha. Isn't that funny? It's not funny. And he's like, ah. And he does it again. It's like, Mike. And he's like, isn't that funny? And it's not funny. And so I know that I am the one who suggests he's acting like a four year old. And with a four year old is what you do. You stop paying attention. If he's not getting attention, it's gonna cease to be funny and we're gonna be able to take him down. And, you know, most of the people, they're in their 40s but somehow they all seem to think that I have a good idea. And so we all agree, like, right. You know, and sort of like, told everybody, stop looking at him. Just ignore him, and stuff like that. And I go back to talking to my boyfriend, most likely fighting. Cause that's really all we ever did those days. At some point, one of the cast members named Steve sort of announces in my earshot, how long has he been up there? And I turn, and he's still up there. And he's doing that thing he was doing before with the head to the side and the tongue hanging out. And the bouncer comes right up to him and says, mike, this is not funny. We're taking you down. And he doesn't respond. And it's like, mike, this is really not funny. We're taking you down. And he still doesn't respond. One of the women says, I really think something's wrong here. I think we need to call an ambulance. And the bouncer says, again, Mike. And, you know, everybody starts saying, mike, this isn't funny. None of us find this. You have to stop it. And he's not responding. And somebody grabs his arm, and the arm is like jelly. You know, there's no resistance whatsoever. And somebody announces again, we really need to call an ambulance. And I know that I'm the one who says, you know, this is what you do. Of course. I don't know why anybody was listening to me. They said, this is what you do. You tell him that if we call an ambulance. And they come, it's coming out of his pocket, not the bars. And the bouncer's like, yeah, that's right. And he was like, mike, if we call an ambulance, you're paying for it. Just letting you know, do we need to call an ambulance? No response. And so everyone's like, oh, crap. So Steve runs off. There's a police station three blocks away, and Steve runs off to get the police. Somebody from behind the bar calls 91 1, and the bouncer takes out a pocket knife, real sharp, and cuts through the nylon. And he hits the floor with, like, a thump, you know, and it's like, oh, God, you know, suddenly this is. This is real. And at this point, I back off because I don't know cpr. I don't know how to do anything. And his friends sort of surround him. And I imagine somebody was probably trying to do something like that. The ambulance gets there before the police, and they start working on him. And then they take him out into the ambulance. And I'm back there with the cast and my boyfriend. And my boyfriend starts laughing, just laughing. And people are kind of looking at him, and I'm like, you know, I understand you're upset, but you need to calm this down. And he's just like, God, what an idiot. You know, And I'm like, you're gonna upset people. We're in a tough neighborhood and everybody's upset, and the cast is. And I'm upset, and I'm feeling guilty, and I'm like, we need to leave. And he's like, yeah, it's time to go home. And so we leave the bar, and when we get out there, we must have been there for another 20 to 45 minutes, and the ambulance is still out there. When you look in the window, they are working on him. And I'm like, oh, God. And we get in the cab and my boyfriend just said, this is proof of Darwin's theory. You know, it's like, you know, some people just don't deserve to live. And I just know that that was his take on it. And it was just. Again, I'm feeling guilty. And this is. He's not a good friend, but this is a friend. And Mike was a sweet guy. And I'm just like, you know, come on. And as we get home, he's just angry. He's angry that he had to put up with this. It's all about how angry he is and to witness this. And we get home, we manage to go to sleep. I wake up at a start. I look at the clock. It's 3:00 in the morning. I manage to get back to sleep. I wake up and I start again. Now it's the phone and it's the police. They want to interview me because I'm a witness. And I remember my boyfriend did not come with me. I went alone. I get to the interview and they ask what I saw. I tell them everything I just said. And then I'm like, how is he? And they kind of look at me like I'm crazy. And they go, well, he's dead. That's why we're interviewing you. And I'm like, oh. But they were working on him in the ambulance. And like, no, time of death was 3:00am at the hospital. And. And I realized that's exactly when I woke up. And I end up contacting the cast. And we all get together, and Chris and the rest of them had all gone out and got so drunk that Chris had woken up for the first time and probably the only time in his life in a pool of his own vomit. And he was shaken that there could have been two dead bodies last night and that there was this thing about being careless and that we needed to stop being so careless. There was such a difference between how my boyfriend was behaving at home and the cast. And as the days played out and we went to the funeral where the family was comforting us in this and saying that clearly it was time that God wanted to take him home, that the amount of times people begged him to be, you know, please let us take you down, please, you know, and how everybody wanted him down and he out and out refused, that there was no reason why it was his time to go, and that he ended up dying of a heart attack. The harness had slowly, as he had been shaking, rode up onto his rib cage and compressed his ribs so he slowly got less and less air. And it was a heart attack that he died from. It was never from strangulation. He probably just was up there having a great time and slowly fell asleep, just passed out. The family was, you know, that's how he passed away. That's what the doctors said. And it was his time and take comfort. And he was having a ball. He was doing what he loves and he loves just being the life of the party and making sure everyone has fun. And in his eyes, that's what he was doing when he left. And we took a lot of comfort in that. I took a lot of comfort in that because I was feeling so guilty. But it became clear to me, if life is this short, spend that time with people who are caring. And within a couple of months, I had left the angry boyfriend for Chris.
- [42:19]
Dave Ross
We'll be right back.
- [42:21]
Kevin Allison
Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying Big Wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint.
- [42:30]
Cindy Freeman
You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments, but that's weird.
- [42:36]
Kevin Allison
Okay, one judgment. Anyway.
- [42:39]
Cindy Freeman
Give it a try. @mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for.
- [42:44]
Melinda Hill
3 month plan equivalent to 15 per month required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full terms@mintmobile.com hello, everyone.
- [42:52]
Cindy Freeman
I am Em Schultz. And I'm Christine Schieffer. And we are the hosts of the Scariest Podcast. It's called and that's why we drink.
- [42:59]
Kevin Allison
I handle all of the paranormal and.
- [43:01]
Cindy Freeman
Christine handles everything that's real and scary.
- [43:04]
Kevin Allison
Hopeful.
- [43:04]
Cindy Freeman
There's a little something for everybody on our podcast, but in case you like us even more than just wanting to.
- [43:09]
Dave Ross
Listen to us, you can read books that we have written.
- [43:12]
Cindy Freeman
We wrote two whole books.
- [43:14]
Kevin Allison
Our newest book is A Haunter Road Atlas. Next stop.
- [43:17]
Cindy Freeman
And if that's not enough, we're also on tour.
- [43:20]
Kevin Allison
Yes.
- [43:21]
Cindy Freeman
Okay. If you like what you hear, you can also see us live. We are currently touring the nation with some scripted live shows of actual ghost hunts that we have done, and we like to go across the world and recount them to you with video evidence. Very dramatic.
- [43:36]
Kevin Allison
Anyway, find us on your favorite podcast listening platform.
- [43:39]
Cindy Freeman
Wherever you listen to podcasts, you can find tickets to our live shows at. And that's why we drink.com live. And you can see any of the troubling things we're doing on Instagram and Facebook, et cetera, at WWDPodcast.
- [43:51]
Kevin Allison
This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You might say all kinds of stuff when things go wrong, but these are the words you really need to remember. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. They've got options to fit your unique insurance needs, meaning you can talk to your agent to choose the coverage you need, have coverage options to protect the things you value most, file a claim right on the State Farm mobile app, and even reach a real person when you need to talk to someone. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.
- [44:21]
Dave Ross
Spring is in full bloom at the Home Depot.
- [44:23]
Kevin Allison
So what are you working on?
- [44:25]
Dave Ross
How about a quick and stylish patio furniture update? Check out a variety of on trend dining sets with plenty of space for entertaining. And what's outdoor dining without a shiny new grill? Find a wide selection of grills under $300. Like the next grill 4 burner gas grill for only $229. Then add a little ambiance with string lights. Transform your space this spring with everything you need from the Home Depot.
- [44:51]
Kevin Allison
We're, I think in the year 2000. I got an agent. And what I mean by I got an agent is that there was a creepy dude who would hang out outside the theater where we all performed and then just kind of wrangle certain performers and convince them that he was an agent and then sign us. And I remember the first time, let's say, I'm not gonna use his real name, so let's just call him Randy, which is very close to his real name. And so Randy's like, hey, I'm an agent. And I'm like, you know, I have been improvising for like six months. I'm like, great. Like, I don't need any other Proof that you're an agent. If you say the word agent, you're an agent. And I think, Randy. Well, I'll explain to you. My first interaction with Randy after, like, he was just, like, waiting outside the theater is he's like, come down to my office. So I go down, and it's a building. This is before 9 11. So it's a building right next to World Trade Center. And it's a really creepy old building. And I go up. And I go up to, like, the eighth floor, and I walk into a room, and it is like. It is a casting office or something with acting, but it's this tiny little room, and all along, all the walls are just headshots of children. That's it. Like hundreds of children. And they've been up there for fucking years. Like, these children are, like, 45. And I come in and I'm like, hey, is Randy here? And the guy behind. And, like, it was the most disgusting. Like, it could have been 1945 in there. And the guy's just like a fat man behind the counter. He's just like, Randy. And then, like, Randy comes out and he's like, oh, this is very. This is a vip. This is a very important man. Can I use the office? And he's like, yeah, Randy. And, like, walks away. And then he's like, come right this way, Kurt. Right this way. You're a vip. Come on in. And then we go to, essentially, a closet where there's another woman just, like, flipping through headshots. And he's like, I have a vip. And Charles said I could use the room. And this woman, without looking up, just goes, you, Randy? And he's like, okay, all right, well, you know, use the new office. And we go to use the new office. And I don't know why I'm making him sound like Woody Allen. He wasn't Woody Allen. We go to use the new office, which is across the hallway, and that is just an empty room with carpet on the floor. There's nothing in there. And so we just get in. He's like, okay. Like, it's totally normal. And then we sit down on the floor, and I give him my resume. So that's our first meeting. So I think. And then. So he sends me out on audition. The first audition I go out on, and I get there, and Randy's there auditioning against me. And I'm like, is this how this works? And he had come dressed in a costume. It was just gonna be like a roadie on a beer truck. And he Built himself a roadie, like kit with like tape and a drill. And he had a hat on. It was amazing. And then another time I was like, I got an audition for you. Come over. And I was like, come over. And he's like, yeah, I gotta give you the size. And I was like, you can't. I mean, email does exist at this time. And I go. And then I'm like, just trying to, like, he's got him in the door. I'm just trying to like grab him and get away. He's like, why don't you come in and read them for me? And I'm like, what are we doing? And then there's just a shirtless dude in his living room that never speaks and watches me while I read these sides for him. And then I like run out. So what I now think happened was that Randy just woke up one day and was like, I'm an agent. Like, he had. It's a bad. Do you know what I mean? It's like waking up one day just being like, I'm a weatherman. I mean, like, of course being an agent isn't as difficult as being a weatherman. It's somewhere between weatherman and dog walker. I mean, like. But still, there are specific skills. And he just decided he was one one night.
- [49:11]
Cindy Freeman
And.
- [49:11]
Kevin Allison
But so he does get me this. And I'm with him for, by the way, like three fucking years. Stick with Randy, I stick with him. I had no other fucking options. And he gets me this one audition and I go in and it's for this prank show and I book it. And this is like the first time, my first TV gig and it's for country music television, which I don't know if anybody watch. I think now they primarily have like trucks that go fishing. Like that's one show. And in that day it was called Prankville. And in it we would just prank people. It was just a normal prank show. And I know that I'm going to hell for doing pranks. I know. But I was psyched. I got a paycheck for the first time in my life. I was not able to quit my job. I had to have a full time job and also shoot this TV show. But this was the worst part about it. I did multiple pranks. And this is why I know I'm going to hell. I did multiple pranks where I had to call women up, set up dates with them, and then go out on a date with them. And the whole purpose of the day was to prank them. And the only way I justified it in my mind, was that their friend set them up on this. Like, I didn't just go and pick random women. Like, their friend was like, oh, no, she's gonna love this. I'm not gonna tell her. I'm gonna have her pranked and she'll be on television. And so. And it was the worst. And this was, like, it was such a low budget that I actually had to call them up and, like, flirt with them on the phone a little bit, and then, like, ask them out to a dinner. And it was awful. And this was terrible. And I'll never do it again. And I'm going to hell. I've already done all of it. And so this was the one prank. It was the worst of all the pranks that I ever had to do. It's not the worst. The worst was not going to this. The worst was I had to. They soaked my suit in skunk and, like, coyote piss. And then I would put my suit on, and these girls would come, and I would just smell fucking horrible. And then I would try and have a date with them. And, like, only one girl left. Like, that was the saddest part. She was like, this guy smells like someone died inside of him. And I'm gonna keep with the date because dating in New York is hard. Anyway, this was what I would do. This is the one thing. And by the way, I didn't come up with this idea. This is not my idea. I was just paid to act in it. I would have a little earwig in my ear that nobody could see. And the producers would, like, you know, tell me what to do. And I had a script and everything. But the idea was this girl would come on a date. She would sit down, I would greet her, I would talk to her for maybe a minute, tops. And then I'd be like, I want you to meet my roommate. And I would pull out a suitcase and open up and take out a ventriloquist doll that looked exactly like me. And then I would only speak to them through the ventriloquist doll for the rest of the day. And I don't do ventriloquism. And I would just be like, hey, what are you doing? And I would be fully talking, but just smiling. And I would just always look at him while he was talking, and they would ask me to, like, talk to them. And I would only talk to with the puppet. And so this one. So we've done it. The way those practicals work is you just do it over and over and over and over and over again until you get whatever they want. And so we've done it a few times, and then this, like, fourth time we did it. This girl comes in, sits down. She's a very nice girl. And I pull the doll out, and the fucking second I take the doll out, her eyes go really big and she, like, grabs the table. And it turns out that she has, like, a intense. Like, this is her fucking nightmare. She has an intense fear of puppets and ventriloquist dolls, which totally makes sense. And I pull. I just licked the mic. That was so gross. I pull the doll out, and I start talking to her with the doll, and she immediately locks eyes with me. And she's like, oh, my God, please stop that. Oh, my God, please stop that. And I've got the producer in my ear going, don't stop, don't stop. Do the script, do the jokes, do it. And I was just like, I gotta. I just keep doing it. And they're like, don't break. This is great. We're getting great stuff. Keep going. And, you know, I'm just like, ooh, you seem saucy, or whatever the fuck that guy said. And she's really. She's just. And she's pleading to me as a human being to another human being, please stop. Please stop. And literally, the fucking doll is out for 35 seconds when she just gets up and fucking runs. And she runs out of the. Of the thing. And finally the producer's like. Like, go get her. Go get her. Reveal. We can't lose her. And so I run after her because I'm being told to run after her. And I come out of the restaurant, and she's like, a half block down the street at this point, but she's stopped. Like, she stopped. And she was like. And then I come out behind her, and I'm like, this is on television. This is a prank. Your friend set you up. This is tv. This is tv. And she just goes, no, I don't believe you. And then I'm like, guys, guys, can you please send her friend out? She doesn't believe me. Just send her friend out, because her friend's fucking in the restaurant in, like, a hidden room. And. And we've run just far enough that my radio mic is just out of service. So she's terrified. A guy who's just pulled out a ventriloquist doll and had to try to have a date with her with it is just chased her and is now on the streets of New York going, guys, send her friend in. Guys, send her friend in and holding his ear. And no friend comes. And I'm like, I swear to God, this is a television show. And so then I run back inside and I get the producers, they bring her friend out. She's still really upset about it. And she's so upset that she has to watch me do it again to another woman. So that to prove to her that it's like a made up reality that she's not crazy. And so here's where it gets fucking weird. Is at about, I would say, five years later, I'm at a party, I'm recently single and at a party in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. And I'm like walking around, had a few drinks, I'm like, let's find the place where everybody smokes weed. And I'm like, this door is closed. I bet you it's in here. And I open the door and she's there, and she's just taken a nice big old rip off a pipe. And then I open the door.
- [56:25]
Cindy Freeman
And.
- [56:26]
Kevin Allison
She just starts screaming. She's sitting at her, she goes, that's him. That's what she says. She says, that's him. Meaning the person she's with has full knowledge of who I am and what I did to her psyche. That the two words, that's him signifies me out of her entire life. And I am like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. And I, like, I explained the whole thing and she's really freaked out still. But I sit down with her, I'm like, I'm so sorry. I explained the whole thing. And it's like, it's a horrible thing to do. And why did your friend set you up for that? And why did I agree to do that? I know why I did. Because it was a good $500 a week. $500 a week to destroy someone. And finally it makes it okay. Like, we get along. And then as I mentioned, I was recently single. And so at the end of the night, I was like, can I get your number? And she gave it to me. And then we went out on a real date. And guess what? It was horrible. It was totally not. We did not click whatsoever. It was not good. But the entire time she did think that I was gonna prank her again. And I hope that she's okay. And the. I just. That's probably the end of the story, but I just hope she's okay. Anyway, I'm okay. Closing points. I'm a monster. I hope she's okay. The monster wants things to be okay. Okay, good night.
- [58:14]
Cindy Freeman
Guys, thank you.
- [58:24]
Kevin Allison
Shaky feet, but solid ground everyone's on Valium and there's no one around she.
- [58:34]
Cindy Freeman
Can'T seem to find a friend in.
- [58:37]
Kevin Allison
The whole of this town Maybe you're.
- [58:40]
Cindy Freeman
Not looking or you're only looking down but it's almost nighttime and you know.
- [58:47]
Kevin Allison
That'S the right time to dance.
- [58:53]
Cindy Freeman
Put.
- [58:53]
Kevin Allison
Your cherry on your lips and shake.
- [58:56]
Cindy Freeman
Those sexy hips to nice.
- [59:00]
Kevin Allison
The dance Let it dance.
- [59:07]
Kurt Braunohler
That brings us to the end of this episode, folks. That was Kurt Braunaller at the Risk live show at the Nerdmelt Theater in Los Angeles. We do that once a month there and once a month at the Pit in New York City. And this is Loon Lake behind me. Now, folks, don't forget that we teach storytelling@thestorystudio.org one on one over Skype in person here in New York. We even have a video course, a 14 lecture video course with a workbook included that you can get online. Just go to thestorystudio.org and click on the button that says show me the videos. Look for us on Facebook and Twitter riskshow and look for me on Twitter hekevinalison. Find out all you want to know about our podcast and everything else we do at risk-show.com folks, today's the day. Take a risk.
- [60:04]
Kevin Allison
It's almost nighttime and you know that's the right time to dance. Put your cherry on your lips and shake those sexy hips and that's a chance. Oh, to dance. Yeah, to dance.
- [60:57]
Cindy Freeman
Penises and buttholes.
- [60:59]
Kurt Braunohler
Penises and buttholes.
- [61:01]
Cindy Freeman
Penises and fun.
- [61:02]
Kevin Allison
It.