← RISK!
RISK!
Fascination
01:07:53
Ryan Britt, Adam Wade, Brad Lawrence, and Lulu chase obsession, longing, and late-night curiosity through encounters with forbidden magazines, accidental identity theft, late-night soft-core television, and a kinky sex convention gone sideways. This is a Classic RISK! Episode, originally aired in February 2014.
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- [00:01]
Kevin Allison
I sold my car in Carvana last night.
- [00:02]
Lulu
Well, that's cool.
- [00:03]
Adam Wade
No, you don't understand.
- [00:04]
Kevin Allison
It went perfectly. Real offer down to the penny. They're picking it up tomorrow. Nothing went wrong.
- [00:09]
Lulu
So what's the problem?
- [00:11]
Ryan Brittany
That is the problem. Nothing in my life goes as smoothly.
- [00:13]
Kevin Allison
I'm waiting for the catch. Maybe there's no catch. That's exactly what a catch would want me to think.
- [00:18]
Lulu
Wow. You need to relax.
- [00:20]
Ryan Brittany
I need to knock on wood.
- [00:21]
Kevin Allison
Do we have wood? Is this table wood? I think it's laminate. Okay.
- [00:23]
Ryan Brittany
Yeah, that's good. That's close enough.
- [00:25]
Lulu
Car selling without a catch.
- [00:26]
Ryan Brittany
Sell your car today on Carvana.
- [00:29]
Lulu
Pick up fees may apply.
- [00:30]
Ryan Brittany
Fear is the virus is trend. Vaccines are poison. Then your yoga teacher says that sex trafficked children are being sacrificed by satanic liberals.
- [00:41]
Kevin Allison
But it's all okay. The great awakening is coming.
- [00:45]
Host (Kevin or Narrator)
What is happening?
- [00:48]
Kevin Allison
Every week on Conspirituality Podcast, we explore
- [00:51]
Host (Kevin or Narrator)
the fever dreams that suck friends, family
- [00:54]
Kevin Allison
and wellness gurus down the right wing
- [00:56]
Ryan Brittany
cult spiral in a search for salvation.
- [01:06]
Host (Kevin or Narrator)
Risk. Hey, folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. This week, an episode that premiered in February of 2014.
- [01:28]
Lulu
February.
- [01:28]
Host (Kevin or Narrator)
An episode we call Fascination.
- [02:03]
Elle King
Hello.
- [02:04]
Host (Kevin or Narrator)
How is everyone? Thank you so much for coming out on this crazy cold night. Oh, my gosh. And a lot of the trains aren't running. It's terrible. But we're here. God damn it. We are here. We have actually a super, super fun show tonight. How many people are familiar with Risk, the podcast? Awesome. I love that there's always people who raise their hand. So polite. If you don't know, Risk is the show where people tell true stories that they never thought they dared to share in public. So we feature a lot of stories that, you know, you'd never hear on NPR or places like that. We really kind of encourage people to step outside their comfort zones. Whether or not it's in an emotional way or an X rated way or whatever it may be. We say nothing is inappropriate until something is. And tonight's theme is fascination. The things that obsess us and preoccupy us. For me this week, I have been very fascinated by something, and that is sex. If you are familiar with the podcast, you already know that. There is a story that I've told on the podcast fairly recently about how when I was 22 years old, I thought to myself, maybe I can Take this fascination I have with sex and make money from it, also known as prostitution. That story, if you've heard it, is a bit of a comedy of errors. I wasn't very good at. Didn't really work out. I didn't have the mojo. But since Risk has come out, there have been episodes like Kevin Goes to Kink Camp. And that Kink Camp was so impressed that I told my story about how I became a Kinkster on the show. So they made me a faculty member. And now on the podcast and on, you know, like, Twitter and Facebook and stuff like that, I'm always doing these updates about, you know, my little tips about how to spank someone or whatever it may be. And so I got a message from a person on FetLife this week. If you don't know, FetLife is like Facebook for Kinksters. And this message was an older gentleman about. He said he was 65 years old. He said, I've heard some of your stories. You know, you can text message back just like on Facebook. And I said, oh, thank you very much. He said, yes, you seem like you're quite the expert on things like spanking. And I thought that that was kind of funny, because if there's one thing that all my stories have in common, if there's a theme that runs through them all, it's that I'm an imbecile. So it made me wonder if he'd actually heard any of the stories. But I said, oh, thank you so much. He said, I would like to perhaps make an arrangement with you. I said, an arrangement? He said, yes, I'm very familiar with the fact that you have a thing for young Asian guys. He said, yeah. He said, well, I am an old white man. I said, yeah. He said, well, I am so impressed with you that I thought maybe you could do some spanking of me for $350 an hour. He said, maybe I could come to your apartment once or twice a week and you could spank me and I'd pay you for it. And I thought to myself, this is a different position I'm in than when I was 22. And I don't know where this story's going, but Tuesday. Will be in the next chapter of this one, so I'll let you all know. Anyway, we have a lovely and wonderful show today. One of the things I'm thrilled about today is that so many people on the lineup today are people that I have really like, have mentored me over the years in the storytelling scene here. A lot of people who have done a lot of work at this theater and the other theaters around town. So it's a real thrill to have such a solid lineup of wonderful people. First person I'd like to bring up to the stage, he is the associate editor of Story magazine, which is relaunching soon Classic magazine and he teaches at Gotham Writers. Please welcome to the stage Ryan Brittany.
- [07:05]
Ryan Brittany
If I'd been Kevin in that situation, I probably just would have said, how's 400 sound?
- [07:11]
Adam Wade
Instead.
- [07:13]
Ryan Brittany
So when I was in sixth grade, around 10 years old, which is how old you are in sixth grade. I had to Google that to remember exactly. I became a porn debunker. The Supreme Court is the place where adults go to find out what pornography is. Where do children in 6th grade go?
- [07:38]
Adam Wade
To me,
- [07:41]
Ryan Brittany
Ryan. They'd say there are Playboys in the library. There are Penthouses in the library. There are Hustlers in the library. And I'd say, those aren't Playboys. Those aren't Penthouse. Those aren't Hustler. I know what those are. Those are called National Geographic. But they're naked. They would say they are completely nude. Cox too. Completely naked. Well, my friends, nudity does not equal a Playboy. It does not equal a Penthouse. It does not equal a Hustler. How was I such a great porn debunker? Well, there was plenty of those periodicals in my house growing up. My father had a subscription to Playboy, he had a subscription to Penthouse. And there was an occasional purchased Hustler for that special occasion. I didn't think, however, that Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler were pornography necessarily. I just knew that they weren't National Geographic. I knew there was a difference. My father wasn't ashamed at all of Playboy, Penthouse or Hustler. He declared loudly as a quasi libertarian Republican with no God, that there was nothing wrong with a human body and no one should be ashamed of it. Particularly not me. When I was 15 years old, before I was think aloud, he was purchased me, my own Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler. My father believed there was nothing wrong with having these things around the house at all. And what did I care? I wasn't masturbating to that stuff anyway. I had a crush. I had a crush on a girl who was my age. Now, talking about having crushes on 10 or 11 year old girls is creepy. But I was also 10 or 11 years old, so it's okay. For the purposes of the story, we'll call her the Red Violin because code names are fun. Why was she called the Red Violin. Well, perhaps she played the violin. And maybe she looked a little bit like Anna Paquin. I don't know. But I also knew that the Red Violin knew nothing of me, knew nothing of my existence. Because in the possible orchestra where she possibly played the violin, I played the trombone. And she had no idea that I existed. So thinking of the Red Violin were things that I perhaps masturbated to. What did my father care what I was masturbating to? There were plenty of playboys and penthouses around the house. And there were also dildos. There were also dildos in my house. Now, I've checked out some child psychology in preparation for this story. And I've discovered that most children know what a word means before they start saying a word. I think dildo is probably the exception here. I think we probably say the word dildo a lot when we're 10 years old before we know what dildo means. I think I probably said, Bradley Thompson is a huge dildo before I had any idea of how to use a dildo. You wouldn't use a dildo without knowing what a dildo was. But you can say dildo all you want. Why did my father have dildos? Well, my father took pictures. Not those kinds of pictures. My father took pictures of stuff, the George Carlin stuff that we talk about. He took pictures of people's handmade jewelry boxes. He took pictures of fiber optic cables. He took pictures of strange water bottles that were portable that people had invented. And he took these pictures because nobody else had a camera or on their phone or on their computer in those days, which meant they had to have someone take a professional picture of it in order to put it in a catalog. Yes, my father was a commercial photographer. He took pictures of dumb objects in the house, including, once furtively, dildos. I saw the dildos lined up on the gray paper with the professional photographic lighting. And I thought they looked like toys. I thought they looked like toys of monsters, like adversaries of Godzilla or Mothra. And I said, what are those? And he said, if you tell your mother that I'm taking pictures of these, we will never speak again. I kept my mouth shut, mostly because I wanted a Godzilla adversary of my own someday. I also learned about secrets and how certain things that are shameful or secret are fascinating to people. These are the things that are true pornography. It didn't help that at the time, in addition to fantasizing about the Red Violin, I was also taking a look at one of my father's photography manuals called Nude Photography. The French way. Americans are fantastic at figuring out how if something is European, it makes it okay and not pornography. Nude photography. The French way was a lot hotter than the Playboys and the Penthouses we had lying around the house. I don't know if it shaped me in any way particularly, but let's just say the women in nude photography the French way looked real. And I felt like I was getting away with something when I masturbated to nude photography the French way. Meanwhile, my mom was doing what else but sponsoring the school's spirit line. If anybody knows what that is. Think about Little Miss Sunshine when she dances inappropriately to songs. Does anybody remember culture beats great hit Mr. Vane. They call me Mr. Raider. They call me Mr. Vane. I'm the only one. Now I know how old anyone in the audience is. Fantastic. I am older than you. These were inappropriate Dances with 1110 year old girls in skirts, shaking it like nobody's business. My mother was the sponsor and choreographed the dances. But who would take the pictures to document such a thing? Who would be the one to act, actually take the pictures? My father had a dark room in our home in the garage. And from time to time he would ask to help have me help him develop some of the pictures in the darkroom. Anybody knows anything about photographic paper, they know if it's exposed to light, it will be ruined. You can't use it. There was a box in my father's dark room that was labeled Photographic paper do not open. How did I know that was a lie? How did I know there wasn't photographic paper in that box labeled Photographic paper do not open? Well, I knew it. Somehow, some kind of genetic perversity that I shared with my father let me on to the fact that if I opened up the box that said Photographic paper do not open, there would be something other than photographic paper in it. And I was 100% correct. Because it wasn't Playboy, it wasn't Penthouse, it wasn't Hustler, but it was hardcore bondage. Hardcore bondage magazines featuring all sorts of monstrous adversaries of Godzilla being strapped to various humans and shoved in other humans, Thomas faces and other orifices. I might not have known what dildo meant, but I saw more of what they were used for along with all sorts of other pain inducing devices. Now wait a minute, Ryan. You're saying who cares about bondage? That's not all that fascinating. That's not all that interesting. I was 10. I had nude photography the French way and Playboy. This was Whips and Chains Monthly I was always disappointed they couldn't manage to pull that off weekly, but that's me. The point is, this is something that my dad hid. He hid it for some reason. Luckily, I talked to Kevin a little bit about my story beforehand, and he informed me a little bit about how much you charge for spankings and things like that. But also the idea that keeping something a secret is part of what makes it kinky, part of what makes people fascinated by its secret sexually. If the BDSM community wanted to have a pride parade, it would ruin the idea of bdsm. If we can't keep it a secret, how is it hot anymore? If my father can't hide bondage magazines inside of a box labeled photographic paper do not open, how are those hot anymore? The Playboys, the Penthouses and the Hustlers were a smokescreen. They were smokescreen for Godzilla's monsters ramming into other people while being tied to walls. Walls. What did all this mean for me? Well, my father was not only someone with some secrets, but a desire to take pictures of 10 or 11 year old girls in their skirts in the spirit line for free. Because someone had to do it. Someone had to offer the parents the experience of documenting this event. Was the Red Violin on the spirit line? You bet. She was the star performer. How did my father know I had a crush on the red violin? He was my father, of course he knew. And so, at some point, after documenting the insane dance routines my mother choreographed for 10 and 11 year old girls in skirts they should not have been wearing, my father developed the photographs for all the proud parents, developed all the photographs for all 18, 19, 20 something girls who are all 10 or 11 years old apiece. But he made sure to make an extra set for me. In a manila envelope, sealed, slid underneath my door one night, Were pictures of the Red violin in action dancing. Like no 11 year old's business. My own kind of bespoke, customized pornography. And you can only imagine what I did with it. Thank you.
- [18:55]
Host (Kevin or Narrator)
A couple things came up when Ryan and I were discussing his story. One, I had no idea what the word bespoke means. Didn't know that vocabulary word. And another thing was we were talking about that whole. Well, see, there was once an incident where a young man that I was very interested in said to me, ugh, you're such a pervert. And my penis went. I realized that day that the word pervert being called that in a dismissive way, turns me on. And recently there have been some people in the kink community who are pushing for a big BDSM pride parade like the gay community has. And their argument is that way we can say to the world, see, we're not just a bunch of perverts. And my reaction is, no, don't ruin it for me. Our next storyteller is kind of a hero of mine. He really welcomed me into the whole storytelling scene when I was just dipping my toes in the water. Super wonderful guy, super great storyteller. He's won the moth 18 times. It's almost embarrassing for him now. I think you can find him@adamwade.com Please welcome Adam Wade.
- [20:33]
Adam Wade
So I grew up in New Hampshire and like the first, like 16 years of my life were pretty normal, like a normal kid. And then I went to, to get my license and I had to take like an eye test and I had to get glasses. And that's when everything changed for me. That's when like everybody started saying I look like Rick Moranis now. Rick moranis for a 16 year old kid. I mean, it's not Brad Pitt if you don't know who he is. He's kind of like, he's got chubby cheeks. Season like the movie's little giant. And honey, I shrunk the kids Ghostbusters, it's not Jude Law. So when they're going on and on and they're making fun of you and saying you look like him. And like kids in high school, when they start doing that, if they know it's your weakness, they just, they don't let up. And after a while, like, you could think you're the toughest guy going, which I did. But you develop like a complex. So my freshman year of college, I went to a small school, Keene State College in New Hampshire. It's like an hour from my house. First semester, I was in a girls dorm room. She was there too. Things were going well. Things are going well. And I was really happy. And then she said, you know, I gotta ask you something. I go, whatever, what do you want? Please tell me. And she's like, you know, did anyone ever tell you, you know, you look like Rick Moranis? And I don't know, like the tone of the question. I still to this day don't know if she was making fun of me or complimenting me. But through my insecurities, I just ran out. I left. And like, and then the next morning I was eating at the dining hall with like a bunch of my friends and they're like, how did it go? Wendy, she liked you. What happened? I'm like, no, no, it didn't go so well. And they're like, what happened, dude? She liked you. And I'm like, why do you keep saying she liked me? She said I look like Rick Moranis. They're like, dude, who cares? I go, I do. I left. They're like, what? I go. They go, you're nuts. And I was like, maybe. So when I graduated from college, I moved to New York and I became an NBC page. So when you're a page at NBC here, you give tours, like, around 30 rock, like, six days a week, six times a day. And for me, like, every fucking tour I did, I'd have some tourist say, you know who you look like? And you know Rick Moranis back and forth. I'm like, I'm a nice guy trying to be a nice person and stuff like that. But, I mean, I got my limits, too. So there was. I was like, I get cranky. And one day, I was on, like, the fourth tour of the day, and we were coming out of Dateline, and we were showing the. It was like the Dateline studios. And we're showing the tour, people into the elevator, and a woman came up to me, and she's like, you know, do you know if she had, like, a Green Bay packers jacket on? She was a big woman. And she goes, do you know who you look like? And I just looked at her. I go, yeah, Brad Pitt. I got your fat ass in the fucking elevator. When you work for Guest Relations and the National Broadcast Company, you're not supposed to talk to the tourists. Like, so five years ago, I had the lowest point in my time in New York. At the time, I was living in a basement apartment in Hoboken, New Jersey. So every time you look out the window, you see feet and dogs shitting. I hadn't dated a girl in 23 months, but who's counting? And for me, there was, like, local bars. Like, I go to this local bar, and there's a guy called Malibu Nick. He looked like a Malibu Ken doll. And, like, all these women around Hoboken would go in there and they'd look and they. And they just, like, in awe of this guy. Like, how great he was. And I couldn't help but be jealous. Like, he would say stupid things that didn't make any sense, but they would just laugh and they would just gaze, and he probably screwed half a Hoboken. And, like, I didn't so much want to look like him and be like him. I just wanted women to look at me like they looked at him. So at that time I was working as a temp in midtown for this French company, and I don't speak French, so it was difficult. I was like my own island. And like, I was very depressed. And like a big night out for me is I'd leave work, like on a Thursday or Friday night, and I would go into like a nice, like, hotel, like a very ritzy hotel in midtown. And I would just sit there and read my graphic novels. And one night there was like a party going on in the function hall. And I just strolled over and I started talking to the bartender there and I ordered a drink. And there was like a pharmaceutical convention. There was like a lot of women there, a few men, and just like looking around. And I ordered a mill of white and I went to give him $5. And he's like, oh, no, no, you're with. You're with them. So you're all set. Evidently, I also look like a pharmaceutical salesman. So I said, no, hang on for the Mel, get me a Heineken light. Cause it was like a dollar more and give me a shot. And then I started ordering tricks. And I'm a lightweight. But I was feeling buzz. And I'm like looking around the room like I'm buzz. And I see this woman. She's like a plus sized girl, like Monica Lewinsky esque. And like, I like Veronica Moonsky a lot. And like, we walk out, she comes over and we start talking and it's going well, and it's going really well. And she's drinking and she's like. She's from like rural Illinois and she's here in the big city and she loves. And we're going back and forth and then she's. And like, it's just fun and it's nice and there's like a connection. I know, I know when there's not, and I know when there's one. And then she says, like, you know, did anyone ever tell you you look like Rick Moranis? I took a step back and I looked at him and I just said, well, you know, I should. He's my dad. And her face like lit up and like, she was into me. Like a five or a six into me now it was like a full blown, like 10. She was like, into me. She was asking me questions. And I'm like, shit. Like, I'm not a guy that like goes around lying to people. But then again, it was like she's digging, like, give me a break. All right? So I was playing along with it. So we're going on, and it's fun, and this is. Is, like, nice. So I walk her back to her hotel after the convention, and it's, like, two blocks away, and I'm pretty loaded, and I go to kiss her, and I just close my eyes, I lean in, and I miss her. I get, like, her ear and, like. And she's like, you're such a dork. You are Rick Moranis, son. I was like, yeah, yeah. And she's like, you know, this was, like, one of the best nights I've ever had. She's like, no, no. You want to do something tomorrow night? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're here. She's like, yeah, yeah. But I go, you know, I'd love to take you for grilled cheese sandwiches. There's a nice little diner. You know, girls will go out. She's like, no, I want to go there. And she points to it's Del Frisco Steakhouse. And I was like, jesus Christ, it's expensive. She's like, no, I want to go there. I'm like, all right, well, you got to understand, like, I'm Rick Moranis is somebody. I'm like the black sheep, you know? I mean, I don't have a lot of money here for steaks. And she's like, oh, no, we'll use my corporate card. And I was like, oh, yeah, we'll go there.
- [28:28]
Host (Kevin or Narrator)
I'll take you there.
- [28:29]
Adam Wade
You're a nice girl. We're going to go for Steve steaks a la carte, you know. So the next night, we go, and I dress up. I wear a nice polo shirt and my jeans and my sneakers, and I'm dressed up, and we're good, and we go and we order, and we're having a good time. We're getting steaks. And then, like, the waiter asked is like, you know, I go, I'd like to have a salad with French dressing. And he's like, what's that? Like, I don't. You know, this is a family of French. I go, you know, listen, garcon, okay, you go into the kitchen, you get some ketchup, you get some mayonnaise. Whip it up. Then you get, you know, French dressing. And he, like. He left. And then I looked at her, and she was very impressed. She was very like, you are very worldly to know about French dressing and what the ingredients are. So I walk her back to her hotel again, and this is like. And I go, again, like, this is the second night. This is, like, unbelievable. And I give her A kiss. And I go, this is the best night. She's like, listen, like, the night doesn't have to end. Why don't you come up? Would you like to come up? Sure. Sure. I like that. So we go up and it goes well. And it's very difficult to tell you how well it went. I was like, I'm afraid I'm gonna jinx myself. But it went well. We had a good time twice. And it went well. It's a record for me to get it twice. It was good for me. And it was. So after the second time we did it, I'm holding her in my arms and she's sleeping. I'm having, like, this panic attack. I'm like, who. Who are you? Like, you're lying about this stuff. And then, like, the other side of me, like, come on. Jesus Christ. I mean, I haven't touched a girl. And so I'm like, going back and forth. So in the morning, we wake up and we play the game. I like to always play. Like, I. I give her a piece of clothing. She gives me a piece of clothing. That's the game I play.
- [30:25]
Elle King
And
- [30:28]
Adam Wade
so she gets her bag and we start going downstairs and she get tells. She's like, is everything all right? I'm like. She's like, is everything all right? I go, yeah. So I'm flagging down the cab, and the cab comes over and I'm like, listen, like, I gotta tell you something. She's like, what? I'm like, I'm not really Rick Moranis, son. And she says, I kind of figured that out a while ago, but I kinda appreciate you role playing in this, like, fantasy I've always had. She had a rick moran in spanish. So she kisses me on the cheek and I'm just kind of stunned. And she gets in the cab and she just drives away. And I watch her drive away. In my life, like, Rick Moranis has denied me happiness like, so many, so many, multiple times in my life. Five years ago, I said, fucker got me weighed twice. Thank you,
- [31:55]
Kevin Allison
Adam Wade, everyone.
- [32:00]
Host (Kevin or Narrator)
All right, put that in your role playing toolkit. It works for some people or maybe one. Awesome. No, I always thought that Rick Moranis was cute. I love. You know, Anyway. All right. Hey, folks, It's Kevin from 2026 again. Listen, if you love Risk, please help us out. We are struggling to keep the show running in 2026. If you join our patreon@patreon.com risk. Wow, there is so much waiting for you there. So much bonus content and an ad free feed of the podcast. So many more stories, educational material about storytelling. Check ins with me and the staff and storytellers. But most of all you'll be helping keeping Risk running. Join us at patreon.com risk or make a one time donation at PayPal, me riskshow or on Zelle. We're evanarisk-show.com our next storyteller is one of my favorite storytellers in town. He has been involved in so many phenomenal shows. His next show it's variety show and a burlesque show. It's called Nefarious laboratories. It's under St. Mark's on the 5th of February, please welcome to the stage Mr. Brad Lawrence.
- [33:43]
Kevin Allison
When I was 15, something miraculous happened and that was that Showtime Movie Channel ran a summer subscription special that meant that from June 1 through August 31 you could get Showtime Movie Channel for half off the regular subscription rate. You could cancel September 1st, no questions asked. And you could bet your bottom dollar my stuff I was going to cancel September 1st, no Questions Asked. But in the meantime, the duration of the summer we had a subscription to one of the most coveted things in the year of our Lord 1988, a pay cable movie channel. And if you were to look at a TV guide from 1988 and look at what Showtime had to offer, you would say to yourself, does anyone really need to see the race based comedy Soul man featuring the comic stylings of C. Thomas Howell that many times? The answer is no, not even once. But the mistake you'd be making was you'd be looking at the primetime lineup. And this was not what had my attention. What had my attention was Showtime after Hours. It was Showtime after Hours that had me a very overweight thick Coke bottle. Glasses, a mullet brace is not the picture of grace. This is what had me at the age of 15, sneaking out of my room in the middle of the night, silent like a ninja, making my way down the hall and then down the stairs, putting each foot close to the wall of the steps of the step wouldn't creek getting down to the basement, making my silently across the basement to the tv, hitting the power button and then the mute button immediately, but then waiting. It was an old tube tv. It made that ozone sound. And so you had to wait and make sure the ozone sound hadn't woken anybody up upstairs. And the moment I was sure that no one was upstairs, then and only then was I free to enjoy Showtime After Hours. And Showtime after Hours mainly consisted of European films named after women. There was Emmanuel and Vanessa and Fanny Hill. And Felicity. Felicity was my favorite. I could not get enough Felicity because Felicity, Felicity was shot in, like, golden hour. Like, everything was golden and beautiful. And it starred this very small, like, pretty girl who just liked this woman who would. She would enter every scene and immediately take off all of her clothes and then she would sort of like, give this little hop on her heels and her chin would jut forward and her nipples would sort of point whoever she was sharing the scene with as if to say, yes, I mean, you. And I just could not get enough of this film. Like, every time I saw it, I would watch out for it. When I saw it, I was just amazed by her, like, her nudity, for one thing, and also by, like, the confidence she had in her nudity. Like, she just take up her clothes and there she was. And, like, I was a huge fat kid and I was embarrassed to take off, like, my clothes in my own bathroom, you know, like, for a shower, like. And just the sheer arrogance of, like, her just nakedness was also amazing to me. I was fascinated. Just could not just, ooh, it was fantastic. And it wasn't like, it wasn't. Like, I hadn't seen porn before. Like, my stepbrother had shown me porn, but the porn that Jeff had shown me was kind of like shot in a Mexican hotel room at like 3 o' clock in the afternoon that this woman sort of like spread, like, giving you, like, an excellent view of her internal organs. Like, like Jeff's porn kind of like grabbed you by the lapels and screamed in your face, vagina. And I was not ready for that. Like, it was a little bit too much for me at this point. But these my new European friends, they kind of were. They sort of took me by the hand and said, don't worry, we'll go slow. This will be fun. And it was fun, so much fun. But for as much as I loved my new European friends, it was actually an American film that had the most lasting impact on my life, because it was the movie Two Moon Junction that led to my bout of teenage anorexia as a corrective measure. And how this happened was that, well, there's two things you need to know about Two Moon Junction. First of all, the female lead was Sherilyn Fenn, and she was beautiful and naked all the time. Beautiful and naked all the time. And the male lead was hideous. Just this horrible, grotesque monstrosity of a human being that got to touch Sherilyn Fenn in the craziest places. And this is where we come to a giant misconception on my part. Because this guy was. He was a monument to, like, the chiseled jawline and the perfect set of abs. He was gorgeous, but to me, he was hideous. And the reason he was hideous to me is I'd seen him in one film before, and that was in 3:00 clock high, where he had played the bully, Buddy Revell, and they had kind of thugged him up for the part, you know, kind of roughed him up a bit. But then beyond that, I was a bullied kid. And so to me, just by virtue of the fact that he was playing a bully, I just sort of perceived him as this gargoyle creature, you know, he was just this monster out of nightmares for me. And so I'm watching this thing and here's this hideous, you know, beast of a human being who's getting to touch Sherilyn Fenn in all these crazy places. But when he takes off his shirt, one thing is painfully obvious, and that's that this guy is in fantastic shape. And so I'm watching this and my thinking is, alright, they've cast this guy opposite Sherilyn Fenn, because apparently they believe that a person this hideous would get to touch Sherilyn Fenn in real life. Like, people will believe that. So therefore, this is the faultiest fucking math in the world. Therefore, apparently women don't care what you look like. All they care about is that you're in shape. That is not fat. Right? Yeah. So I had no idea what I would look like if I lost the weight, you know, because I'd still have, like, the braces and the glasses and the mullet, which I did not realize was optional. But if it meant I got to touch a woman like Sherilyn Fenn in all kinds of crazy places, I was gonna find out. So commence starvation. My summer of starvation worked like this. I would wake up in the morning. I would leave the house immediately. Wherever anyone else got up, I would leave without breakfast. Go down to. There was a line of woods in a creek that ran through our subdivision. And I'd go down there and I would sort of walk around all day long down there. And I could get anywhere I wanted to go in my neighborhood, through the creek and through the woods. And I would go to the mall and read comic books, or I'd go to the library and read comic books. And I could do all of this. And it would take up, like, most of the day. And then I'd come home in the afternoon. I would eat my one meal for the day. My only meal for the day was a single serving microwave, microwave pizza. And then after that I would go downstairs and someone in my family had bought a rusty rickety weight set at a garage sale that no one used up until this moment. And I would work out on that until I couldn't anymore. And then I would go out, I would watch Soul man and then I'd pretend to go to bed until about 2 or 3 in the morning when I would get up and sneak out to rejoin my European friends and Two Moon Junction. And as the summer went on, walking became running and starving became will. And soon, by the time September 1st rolled around, my stepfather cancelled Showtime and I lost my new European friends and Sherilyn Fenn forever. Or until the Internet, I had gone from 245 pounds to 180. I have lost 65 pounds using a method that would kill anyone who is not 16 years old or Matthew McConaughey. Apparently. Now it's time for school to begin again. And I come into the kitchen where my mom is. She's filling out paperwork. She worked from home home. And she's filling out paperwork at the kitchen table. And I walk in and she looks up and she kind of looks at me. This look passes over her face like something has happened here. And maybe she should have had tabs on this because I'm wearing my, like the clothes I've had, you know, up until this point are sagging on me now and I'm kind of cinching them up and they're sort of hanging off me like I'm a scarecrow. And she sees me there and like it was easy for her to miss this. I am the youngest of eight, Jeff, the one that had shown me the porn, he had also, not too long after that, had run afoul of a drug dealer who was now calling our house at demanding $10,000 and a gun that apparently Jeff had also had, which we did not have $10,000 or his gun. And we had been waiting for a drive by shooting or like some kind of violent bright in the middle of the night. And the police were like, well, if that happens, give us a call. So, you know, there was a lot of things going on in my family. It was easy to miss the fact that I was like starving myself in the basement watching porn. But now here I am in the kitchen and it's impossible to miss. Now there I am and my mom sees me. I don't know what went through her mind at this point, what I think went through her mind was something to the effect of, you know what, I don't know what this is. But she knew how hard school had been for me, how tough it had been, the teasing and the bullying and all that kind of thing. And I think she just kind of thought to herself, whatever this is, if this will make this coming school year any easier on my youngest and strangest
- [44:23]
Adam Wade
child,
- [44:26]
Kevin Allison
then maybe this once we can not look a gift horse in the mouth. Maybe we can just count this one blessing and see where it goes. So in the most even non judgmental tone, she says to me, well Brad, it looks like you are going to need new clothes for school. And so she takes me shopping, may buy me new clothes for school. And I started up that next year and it did get better. Things were better. The teasing kind of stopped and the bullying stopped. And then shortly into the new year I turned 16 and then I met a girl named Susan and I touched her in the craziest places. Thank you,
- [45:26]
Host (Kevin or Narrator)
Lawrence. Okay folks, we have just one more storyteller for tonight. But before I bring her out here, let me just remind you that you can always find us also@thestorystudio.org we do workshops that last two days. We do workshops that last six weeks. We do one on one stuff over Skype. All sorts of options for learning how to do storytelling for business or the stage or whatever. Dating, we're going to be doing that soon. Storytelling for dating. So check us out@thestorystudio.org I'd like to bring up our final storyteller.
- [46:13]
Lulu
When my Marriage ended about 6. No, you know what, I'm going to start again. When I ended my marriage about six years ago now, I was a roiling mass of sexual frustration. True, my decade long marriage was sexless for the last seven years of it, but my weapons grade horniness had been building for a lot longer than that. I had kind of a shitty and violent and bad childhood and it left me feeling really just terrified of men and terrified of intimacy and so much so that I didn't go on a date until I was in my early 30s. When I did go on that date, I held onto that guy like grim death and we got married. I wasn't a virgin when I got married, but I may as well have been. I didn't get a chance to fly my freak flag during my marriage. So I found myself at 44, alone again and in my new little apartment thinking about sex all of the time. And I mean every minute of every day. I was possessed. I Was obsessed. I was perpetually horny. I felt like a 16 year old boy feels all the time. But the thing is, I didn't kind of know what to do with that. All I knew is that I wanted to have sex with a person. And I didn't know how to go about finding someone. I didn't, you know, did they have glory holes for women? I don't know. And I didn't know what a glory hole was back then. And so I did what you do. I got online, I got on my laptop and I. I didn't even surf porn. I was afraid to surf porn because I thought someone was going to burst into my apartment and catch me surfing porn. So I ended up reading a lot of erotica. Take it from me, there's a lot of shitty, poorly written erotica on the Internet. And as a writer, I'm offended by this. Luckily, I happened upon a blog one day, a blog written by a guy around my age. He lived in Manhattan and he was just out of a pretty sexless marriage too. And it was there that the similarities between us ended. He was a bisexual fellow and he hosted orgies and gang bangs and circle jerks and bukake parties at his apartment. He had lots of boyfriends and girlfriends. But what really caught me was how nicely written this blog was. I really admired his writing. It was masterful. And so I read this blog fairly frequently, you know, for like a week and a half. And another thing struck me, two things struck me. He talked about how people would contact him via his blog to have sex with him. The other thing he said in his blog was that, well, he called himself the easiest lay in Manhattan. And so I had a bold plan. I decided that, you know what, I'm just gonna drop him a line and let him know how much I like his blog. And three days later I was at his apartment having sex with him. And oh my fucking word. I didn't know that sex could be good. I didn't know that it could be fun. I didn't know that it could be romantic. And I didn't know that it could just be playful. And so I connected with this guy. And the next six months of my life is a montage of having sex with, let's call him Paul at his apartment on the Upper west side in a doorman building with a terrace facing New Jersey. So anyway, so I got together with this guy as often as I possibly could. Could. I was freelancing, he was freelancing. So our days were free. And I would send him an email. And he'd say things like, well, we can't have sex, but if you want to come over and suck my dick, you can do that. And I was like, right on. I jump in a cab and go over to the Upper west side. I suddenly stepped off of the sex short bus and onto, you know, in line for the AP Accelerated sex class. I learned things. Well, I didn't know much of anything, so I learned a lot of stuff. Well, eventually, after we just got done with the plain sex, we started with the kink. One day, he sends me an email, and he said, I want you to pick up a butt plug. And I said, a what? And he said. And he said, a butt plug. So I went into Babeland, and I thought I was hot shit because I was gonna get a butt plug. I got two butt plugs. And so we, you know, we did some stuff in the back alley back downstairs, you know, if you take my meaning. And that was all brand new to me. And one day we're having sex, and he pulls out a rope. And what did I know from bondage? Filthy, filthy bondage. And he tied me up. At first I thought it was kind of silly, but then it was kind of hot. And then another date we had. He asked me if I'd ever been flogged. And no, of course, I had never been flogged. And at first it was kind of silly, but then it was kind of hot. So this was going quite well. About four months into our relationship, he tells me about a kinky sex convention taking place in Washington, D.C. at this kinky sex convention, people would take classes during the day in subjects such as erotic shaving or cock and ball torture or various types of bondage or how to throw an orgy at your house. So he invited me along. He thought I might have fun. So I thought, I'm with my sex spirit guide. How bad can it be? So I sign up for this kinky sex convention, and I pay my hospital fee. Yeah, you know, I pay a couple hundred bucks in registration. I pay a couple hundred bucks for the hotel. I'm, you know, getting ready to go to this kinky sex convention, thinking that, you know, I'm kind of hot shit now. And he has to cancel at the last minute. I was kind of terrified, but since I'd invested, like, $600, I decided to go to this thing by myself. So I arrive in Washington, D.C. and I'm going through the course listings and trying to figure out what classes should I take. So I decided to go with sort of my natural inclination and things that I like to do. So I did sign up for a wax play class because I'm kind of crafty. And I signed up for two bondage courses, count them, two. Because I'm a backpacker and I like knots and I knit and crochet, so, you know, I like to do with the thing. So I go to this first class, nine o' clock in the morning. I've got my notebook and my pen and my khaki shorts. And I go into this classroom and sit down. And the instructor walks in and it's this perfectly lovely British man named Paul. And he starts talking about wax play. And wax play is when you drip hot wax on your lover's body and it can be very intimate and really hot. And he tells us about the different kinds of waxes there are. And don't buy that when it's too expensive and it burns too hot. Get the cheap ones and get a crock pot, because you can melt the wax in the crock pot and you need a tarp because it's kind of messy. And then he introduces his lovely assistant. And his lovely assistant is a beautiful woman in her 20s, and she walks out wearing a white robe. She disrobes very dramatically and she's totally naked. My first thought was, is she allowed to be naked in the hotel? And then she hopped up onto this table. Paul starts slathering her with baby oil. And it's like watching a live sex show. And the baby oil keeps the wax from sticking. And then he has a candle and he starts dripping wax all over her body. And I'm suddenly to say I was turned on is sort of off the point. There was something about this situation that was very fascinating to me. It was intimate in a way. It's like they were partners and they were making eye contact and she was giggling and he was teasing her with the wax. And I wanted some of that. I'm not quite sure what some of that was, but I just. I like that. And so I gather up my things and I go to the next bondage class. It's called shibari. It's sort of artful Japanese bondage. And same thing where there's an instructor at the front of the classroom and he calls in a beautiful model. In the kinky parlance, it's called a demo bottom, the person upon whom a skill is being demonstrated. In this particular class, there was a man and a woman and they were both naked. And the instructor just starts touching them and tying them up with these really Artful looking bondage techniques. And suddenly I realized what I wanted. And I wanted to be a demo bottom. And in this moment my head was spinning and woo. And I was like, I went from someone who had barely ever had sex to being someone who had a really specific fetish. And I wanted to be a demo bottom. I wanted to be the naked person in the front of the room in a class having something demonstrated on me. So oddly enough, over the next couple of years, in fact, I didn't have much luck in being somebody's demo bottom. It wasn't until the summer before last that I got a chance to fulfill my hot shit. I know everything about sex desire to be a demo bottom. The guy I had been dating was also a sex educator. He was going to be teaching a class in my neighborhood in Astoria. And the class is called G Spot. P Spot Thrills and Spills. If there are children in the building, they might want to step outside for the next portion of our. So G spot portion was, you know, when a woman think how far I've come in the last 10 minutes in my life. So G spot is when a woman has a G spot orgasm, sometimes a great rush of fluid leaves her body. So he was going to be demonstrating that and he was also going to be demonstrating on a male demo bottom that when you stimulate his prostate he can have a pretty intense orgasm. So without putting too fine a point on it, I was qualified to be a demo bottom for him for this class. And I know, right? So the day comes and it's time for me to be the demo bottom. This is the day I've been waiting for. It is hot and stuff. Sticky. It's one of those gross days in New York city. It's like 102 degrees with 99% humidity. We walk into this classroom and the door opens and it's sort of like place was packed, it was tiny, it was packed with people. And the woman running the place was irritated that we were late, so we wanted to get started. So I start looking around for the secret room where I get undressed and put on a cute robe. And there was no secret room or cute white robes. So I had to sort of peel off my clothes on that hot sticky day and get out of my clothes. And it was just sort of, it wasn't all that. So then the next embarrassing thing is I'm short and the table's just a little too high. So now I'm totally naked and I'm me, you know? You know I'm me. And I've got to sort of hop up onto the table and in front of all of these people and everything kind of bounces a little bit. And so I lay down on the table and I splay my legs and that's fine because that's what I was there for. But my friend pulls on a latex glove slap and it's like, it's not really set the mood, you know, so this is not turning out to be the romantic intimate experience I had anticipated. And so he puts his, his hand inside of me after he loops his hand up and he starts doing the thing that you do to somebody to give them a G spot orgasm. And he's giving his lecture about the G spot orgasm comes from the word Grafenberg. Dr. Grafenberg, you know, discovered it and blah, blah, blah, blah. And you don't always have a G spot orgasm, but when you do it can, you know, have a lot of fluid and blah blah, blah. And really not romantic. There's no eye contact, there's no sort of playful wax play, sort of giggling. And I'm realizing that I am so out of my depth and I am so not the sex badass I thought I was. I'm pretty much just clenching up. And as all of you women know that the best way to have an intense orgasm is to clench up and concentrate. So he's doing his thing and I'm, you know, and I'm feeling like, and this is my special brand of neuroses. These people came for a show, damn it, I'm going to give them a show. And feeling like I can do this, I can do it. It's eee, eee, eee. It's getting a little dry and it's a little more lube on. And finally it's like, this is not gonna happen. So my friend was very gracious and just, you know, says, look, you know, we're in front of a group of people. You don't always have an orgasm when you want to, you know. We learned something here as well. But I sort of like, I got off the table and grabbed my clothes and ran to the back of the room and I, I felt like the kid in right field who missed the ball, you know, and I wanted to make excuses. I can do this. I really can do this. It was really humid and I didn't get enough to drink and blah, blah, blah. So I skulk off to the back of the room. But luckily my friend has brought another demo bottom. Another adorable 20 something girl who's not wearing shorts and a T shirt. She's wearing this really pretty dress that she just flips off. And she hops up onto the table facing the audience with her knees up on the thing, and she just goes. And she sprays the whole audience. I mean, it was like Watts in the 60s. And I was. Well, first of all, I was thinking, I thank God I'm not in the front row. Second of all, I was shocked. And before I knew it, she said, I think there's a little, little more. I can't. I can't win, you know, so, you know, I felt so shown up. I felt like the bad comic who opens for the rock band, you know, I just wanted to get out of there. And it was as anticlimactic as it sounds. You know, people were applauding. You know, we were leaving. As we were leaving the class, people were patting me on the back saying, no, it was good. You did really well. So, yeah, you know, I didn't fulfill my. I fulfilled my fantasy of sex, but not my demo bottoming fantasy. So, you know, it's back on the short bus for me in that regard. But, hey, listen, I haven't given up on my quest. So if anybody out there is looking for a demo bottom, keep me in mind. Just maybe something that doesn't require waterworks. Thank you.
- [62:12]
Elle King
If you don't want to hear a filthy song, get the fuck out, please. All your latest pop, y' all Push it like this Shake your body don't stop, don't miss all your L pop your like this Shake your body don't stop, don't miss Just do it, do it, do it, do it, do it now right now Lick it good T Just a light you shoot My neck, my bike Lick my and my cry at My neck, my bike Click My first you gotta put your neck into it don't stop, just do it, do it Then you roll your tongue from the crack up to the front. Then you suck it off till I shake and come make sure I keep busting nuts all over your face and stuff. Got me making so much love so licking now. Licking.
- [63:30]
Host (Kevin or Narrator)
That is it for this week, folks. That is L. King behind me now. And we just heard from Lulu with a story called Left Behind. Folks, today's the day.
- [63:44]
Elle King
Take a risky Just a light My body Lick my pussy and my cry My neck, my bike Lick my. Thank you so much. I'm elle king. Thank you.
- [64:37]
Host (Kevin or Narrator)
So I entered an orgy fairly recently, and I walked into this backroom area where there was a hot tub, and it was like, is that Laurie bard. So we were the two people there who were talking about storytelling for the first hour until one of the hosts asked us if we were ever going to remove our clothes. What Lori doesn't know is that on Valentine's weekend, I'm teaching a class called everything you can do to an ass other than fuck it, and I have yet to find a demo bottom. It's a lot of work for the demo bottom.