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- [00:00]
Kevin Allison
Hey folks, this is Kevin. On this week's episode of Risk, you'll hear Jeff Zimmerman One day I'm gonna.
- [00:06]
Jeff Zimmerman
Move to the city adjacent to the city of my dreams for tax reasons.
- [00:16]
Kevin Allison
That and more. But first I wanna remind you that we love interacting with fans. Find our regular posts on Instagram or Facebook where we post about every episode. Let us know what you think about the stories we share. Plus, we're putting more and more videos up on YouTube so hit us up all of these places. We're riskshow and always at risk-show.com we'll be right back.
- [00:41]
Jeff Zimmerman
I've been counted out, dismissed, passed over, told I'd never be a golfer with just one arm. But the only thing that feels better than proving people wrong is out driving them. I'm 14 year old golfer Tommy Morrissey and I want to be remembered for my ability as a champion partner of the Masters.
- [00:59]
Aaron Barker
Bank of America supports everyone determined to.
- [01:01]
Jeff Zimmerman
Find out what's possible in golf and in life. What would you like the power to do?
- [01:06]
Aaron Barker
Bank of America bank of America NA.
- [01:07]
Jeff Zimmerman
Member FDIC Copyright 2025 bank of America Corporation. All rights reserved.
- [01:11]
Telly
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- [02:05]
Aaron Barker
Don't miss out.
- [02:06]
Telly
Go to RosettaStone.com RS10 and start learning today.
- [02:10]
Aaron Barker
As a parent, you want to give your child every opportunity to succeed. But let's be honest, sometimes homework questions leave us stumped, or we wish they had it a bit more challenging when they're ahead in class. That's where IXL Learning can help. IXL is an online learning program that supports kids from Pre K to 12th grade in math, language arts, science and social studies. It's designed to help kids truly master topics while keeping learning fun and engaging. Whether your child is catching up, staying on track, or aiming to get ahead, IXL offers personalized learning to meet their needs. Plus, it saves you time and money. No more searching for multiple tutors or programs. IXL is like having everything you need in one place. The best part? It's backed by research. Kids using IXL consistently score higher on tests and it works for all kids, no matter their grade or learning style. IXL is used in 96 of the top 100 school districts in the U.S. so you know it's the real deal. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and listeners of this podcast can get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixlearning.com audio visit ixllearning.com audio to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. When you have high standards and fancy all the fancy things like a Dior saddlebag or that diamond tennis bracelet, you go to EB Here you'll find new loves that will never disappoint. Expertly authenticated. Whether it's that vintage pearl necklace or brand new ruby earrings, a Prada crossbody bag, or classic watches like that Rolex Oyster or that Cartier tank. On ebay there are no limits to your high standards. Yeah, ebay the place for new pre loved vintage and rare fashion. Ebay Things people love now here's the show.
- [04:43]
Kevin Allison
Hello folks, this is Risk. The show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and this is a cut from the 1960 classic the Apartment Behind Me. Now we're calling this week's episode Geezers and the Gosling, but really it's a couple of stories about apartments. In the meantime, you do know that Risk is going on tour, right? It may be the last time we do for a while. We're going to be in Atlanta on May 8th. We'll be in Washington D.C. on June 7th, and we will be in Philly on June 19th. Get your tickets while you can at risk-show.com live. Now in a little bit we're going to hear from Aaron Barker, but before that, a story that Jeff Zimmerman recorded at Julia Whitehouse's Top Shelf Story show at the UCB Theater in New York. Jeff is one of the greats in the storytelling and stand up scene in New York. You've heard him on this American Life and the Moth and he's told some all time classic stories here on Risk. He's also a storytelling coach and workshop leader@jeffsimmerman.com and here he is now with two stories. The second is called Dead Cat Gosling. The first is called that's the Gig.
- [06:27]
Jeff Zimmerman
Before we get to the prepared material, I gotta tell you, like, I have done some weird shows during Black History Month and this is nothing. I was the only white guy in a tribute to Richard Pryor during Black History Month at the Brooklyn Academy of Music one time. And when the booker called me up, I was like, how could this go wrong? Yeah, finally my ship has come in, you know, so I'm up there telling my story and they wanted none of it. It was all like late middle aged Caribbean, like school bus drivers who were just like. They wanted to hear like a young black man talk about pussy a lot or something. Who doesn't? But you just got the vibe. Like, they weren't overtly hostile, but the general vibe was like, we were done with white people for today. And now you're here talking about your feelings, you know? And I am bombing. So I am bombing my nuts off. Like, I sweat all the way through a three piece suit, like, undershirt, shirt, tie, vest, jacket. There is steam on the back of my glasses. Oh, I didn't need that at all. I watched people on dates not get laid because of me. I saw a woman be like, I've got a meeting. And like, just leave. Whew, it was bad. And then there was, you know, a sprinkling of white people there. And one of them was right in the front row, like right where you're sitting. And she's just looking right at me. And then she's like kind of yawns, looks at her watch and like in her head she was like, I guess like, go time, you know? And she unzips her winter coat to reveal that she's wearing nothing underneath it. Completely topless. And it's never who you want it to be, you know, Never. And then she's like kind of bored. Like, this is a practice move. She pulls a Sharpie out of her pocket and draws like a perfect Snidely Whiplash mustache on her face. She's like fucking Zorro with this like that. And I'm the only one that could see it. Cause she's in the front row and I was already like, I didn't need that shit at all. I was bombing all by myself. And then she just gets on stage and shoves me out of the way, snatches the microphone, totally topless mustache, yelling some bullshit, I don't know what. And like filming Herself while she's doing it. And really, that is the day that I think I became a man. Because, like, if you had taken me in a time machine to my teenage self and be like, jeff, one day you're gonna live in the city of your dreams, do your favorite thing, and a woman's gonna get her top off right in front of you, and you will feel nothing but rage and resentment. I wouldn't have believed you, you know, but here we are. People like, oh, when you bomb that bad, like, you're in the bathroom and people don't hold the door for you, don't make eye. You know what I mean? They don't make eye contact. Nothing. I went backstage and I'm just, like, sitting in it. And I was like, should I just jump out the window now? Or, like, what do you do? And the surprise guest was Colin Quinn. He dropped in and he crushed. He just Godzilla ate the place. It was incredible. So I couldn't even blame it on being the white guy, because Colin Quinn, destroyed. And I was like, no, I just sucked. I just sucked. And then he comes up to me and I had all my notebooks on the floor and stuff. He was like, those are your fucking notebooks right there. And I was like, yeah, yeah, those are mine. He goes, oh, man, that's fucking comedy right there. That's a real thing. Working on it to the second you get on stage. And I was like, well, that didn't do me a lot of good, you know. He goes, oh, really? He goes, yeah, man, I bombed real bad. And then this fucking. He goes, ah, that happens, you know? And then I said, then this fucking lady got on stage with her top off. And he goes, did she draw a mustache on her face? She did that shit to me at UCB last week. And I was like, really? And he's like, yeah. And he goes, that's fucking comedy, man. I was like, no, I don't think it is. Like, he goes, yeah, it is. It's non stop humiliation. The notebooks, the weird tits, all of it. It never stops. I bombed at Martin Scorsese's birthday. And I was like, really? He goes, robert De Niro booed me to my face. You can hear that story on the moth. It's the best moth story ever. The moth is finished. They've done it. You know, it's incredible. I was like, all right, gives me a little side hug. And he's like, keep it up, dude. You know? And that was like 10 years ago. Here we are. So, yeah, anyway, the real story Is that I was moving in with my fiance, and we were having a difficult time agreeing on, like, where we were going to live, because I was living in Brooklyn, she's living in Jersey City, and she was making a real strong case for living in New Jersey. Talking a bunch of mess, like, listening. It's just a different river, same river width to commute into the city, but we get so much more space for the money. And we can get central AC and a dishwasher. And I can tell you, as an accountant, we're going to save, like, 10, 15 grand a year on state and local taxes just for living across a different river. And I was like, well, that is super. I'll take it under advisement. But I didn't spend all that time as a teenager in Virginia sitting in my bed and sniffling and listening to Joy Division and being like, one day I'm gonna move to the city adjacent to the city of my dreams for tax reasons. So we're gonna. I'm gonna put my foot down on Brooklyn. And she was like, okay, well, let's compromise, you know. Let's just find an affordable apartment in Brooklyn that has central AC and a dishwasher. That is a laugh line, you guys. It's impossible. Impossible. And there's no normal apartments left in New York City for just regular folks, right? Like, you can get central AC and a dishwasher, but it's in, like, one of those glass and steel, like, mega condos, and everyone has a robot butler, and all your neighbors look like Patrick Bateman with a man bun. And it's a million dollars a month for rent that's available to you. Or somebody has stapled a Star wars bed sheet to the side of a bridge, and that's also a million dollars a month because it's adjacent to trains, you know? Sucks. It was fucking real estate death march looking for that apartment. And she was weird about the central AC, too. I was like, you know, window unit technology has come a long way, you know? And he's like, no, I'm from Florida. I know what it's like to be in an awful, swampy summer. I am insisting on central ac. And I was like, all right, all right. Okay. We saw these awful places, and then we saw this one place, and I was like, you know, you could just, like, feel it. Like, I think it's coming. I think this is gonna be the one. And it had the central AC and it had the dishwasher, and they said they had a patio out the back of the place, a little yard And I was like, whew, man, my check writing hands are getting hot. You know, Like, I'm gonna stroke out a $9,000 check this afternoon. I can feel it, you know? And you gotta do it in like 30 seconds. Cause there's somebody right around the corner, you know? And, like, we went and looked at the place, and they had the AC and the dishwasher and the patio, but it also had a busted front window. And there was a dead cat on the patio. When we looked at the apartment, the patio was the size of the bottom of this mic stand. But there's a dead cat there. And I know it was a dead cat. I was like, there's a dead cat on the patio. My wife was like, nuh, he's just sleeping in the sun. And I was like, they don't. It's 96 degrees outside right now. Cats do not sleep in the sun at this temperature. And she goes, yeah, huh? Yes, they do. And as if to prove a point, a fly went and jumped out of its eye hole. We all saw it. Like, me and her and especially the broker saw it. And I was just like, is this how you get ready to show an apartment? Is this like cleaning up for company? Was the owner like, listen, I'm hemorrhaging money on this place. We gotta get a tenant. I'm gonna need you to get most of these dead cats out of here. As many as will fit in one bag. I have a budget, you know. Also troubling, right? There's razor wire along the back fence, but it was halfway along. It was falling all down into the backyard. Like, you either need razor wire or you don't need razor wire. You don't split the difference on something like razor wire. Who is this guy with the ironclad nut sack? Jumping fences, tearing down razor wire? Nobody's doing anything, you know, so we just were like. We left and we walked to the train in just silence. Like we had. We were just like. It was just like, only like, necessary words like, turn left, going to the G train. Okay? You know, we're there. And she was like, look, this sucks. I gotta go home and get ready for the week. And this has just been awful. Why don't we reconvene tomorrow? And I was like, having a cup Wednesday. And she was like, tomorrow, but, you know, just go do something fun and, like, take your mind off it and we'll just deal with this tomorrow. And I was like, okay, fine. So I go to Union Square to see a rock show. And I feel like, you Know exactly how old I am when I tell you. I go to the Archers of Loaf reunion show. It's one of those white dudes. And I'm walking around cause they got there way early, the venue's locked and I gotta take a piss. Cause I'm a middle aged white dude. But the thing is about New York City is it smells like piss. But that means sometimes it's your turn, you know? So I'm trying to find a spot. And I was walking down one of those side streets by Union Square. And you know, they had this beautiful like brownstones. I was like, what kind of people lived in these houses? Like ever. These have been here for hundreds of years. Like in the 1790s were these shitty apartments, you know, was Ben Franklin. Like, it's near work, I guess, you know, like, what did they ever suck? Cause they're just dream house. Who would live here now, for God's sake? I don't tell you who lives in one of those. Ryan Gosling. Cause he's sitting on the front porch reading a copy of the Stranger by Albert Camus. Just dreamy as you want to be, right? Like, there's no cameras around. He just does shit like that, you know? And I'm taking it in, you know what I mean? Like, you guys are insufficiently excited about this. The man is wearing a V neck T shirt that is both flowing and form fitting. How the fuck does he do it? You know? And I'm like deep on the straight side of the Kinsey scale, but I recognize quality, you know what I mean? I don't drive in New York, but I will linger at a Ferrari dealership. So I'm just like, just looking, you know? And then these two girls came walking by and they had that voice that you all immediately imagined when I said they had that voice. And. But don't worry, I'll impersonate it. One of them was like, oh my God, are you for real? Like Ryan Gosling right now? And he's like, no, I'm sorry. I get that sometimes. And it's always very flattering, but that's not me. Or I'm not Kim. Could you just like, you know, keep it moving? And the other one goes. Are you sure you're not Ryan Gosling? Just like a little bit. Can we take a picture with you in case it turns out you're Ryan Gosling? Like, later, you know? And I had needed to scream at somebody for months. And so like, finally, a deserving and equally unprepared target. And I was just like, I would think if you're such a fan of Ryan Gosling, you'd recognize him if he was in front of your stupid face and you're like, so why don't y'all take this, Leave this exceptionally handsome, normal dude alone. Go on about your business. Get, you know, go.
- [18:47]
Kevin Allison
Ah.
- [18:48]
Jeff Zimmerman
And Ryan leans over behind him. He's like, thank you. Gives me the thumbs up. But then he goes inside. Cause there's still a crazy man screaming his name in the middle of the street. You know, he doesn't know the choices I make. And he goes inside and I called my fiance up and I told her, like, the whole story, you know, I was like, I gotta believe this Ryan. She's really. That's crazy. You know, blah, blah, blah. And I guess I must have got quiet or something. Cause I looked up and I saw something and I must have just, like stopped talking. Cause she's like, honey, honey, what's going on? Did you see something or something? And I was like, yeah, I see something all right. She's like, what? What is it? I was like, ryan fucking Gosling's got window units. I think we can do it, you know? And she's like, I'm not impressed. Like, he gets to fly all over the world making movies in an air conditioned trailer. He don't have to be in a whole New York summer like we do. Nah. And I should have known, man. I should have known that, like, if a lifestyle that is suitable for somebody like Ryan Gosling ain't gonna be good enough for two normal people in their little normal lives, you're gonna hit some bumps. And frequently I refer to my ensuing divorce as a surprise divorce. But then I tell this story and I'm like, oh, no, it was there the whole time. Thanks, guys. Hey, Ben. Ben, why don't we tell everybody about.
- [20:14]
Kevin Allison
Our friends and neighbors? That's a great idea, Telly, but how do we do that?
- [20:18]
Jeff Zimmerman
Well, we can sing the people in your neighborhood song. Sing?
- [20:23]
Aaron Barker
Sing.
- [20:23]
Jeff Zimmerman
I don't know. I don't know about singing.
- [20:25]
Telly
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- [20:26]
Jeff Zimmerman
It'll be great.
- [20:27]
Telly
Hit it, maestro.
- [20:29]
Jeff Zimmerman
Me and you. Ben, come on, sing with me. Oh, who are the people in your neighborhood?
- [20:37]
Telly
Come on, Ben.
- [20:38]
Jeff Zimmerman
In your neighborhood Good. In your neighborhood say, who are the people in your neighborhood? The people that you meet each day.
- [20:47]
Telly
Hey, this is good.
- [20:48]
Kevin Allison
Okay, okay, okay.
- [20:49]
Jeff Zimmerman
Well, who are the people in our neighborhood? Well, you'll see.
- [20:53]
Telly
Come on out, person.
- [20:55]
Jeff Zimmerman
In our neighborhood he's sitting on the front porch reading a copy of the Stranger by Albert Camus. Just dreamy as you want to be. Like, there's no cameras around. He just does shit like that. The man is wearing a V neck T shirt that is both flowing and form fitting. Ryan Gosling as a person in your neighborhood. Oh, yeah, in your neighborhood. Yes, it is. In your neighborhood. Oh, Ryan fucking Gosling as a person in your neighborhood.
- [21:24]
Telly
That's me.
- [21:25]
Kevin Allison
A person that you meet when you're.
- [21:28]
Telly
Walking down the street.
- [21:29]
Jeff Zimmerman
A person that you meet each day.
- [21:37]
Kevin Allison
That was really great.
- [21:39]
Jeff Zimmerman
I think I make a very, very good cheese. Very convincing. We'll be right back.
- [21:46]
Aaron Barker
This episode is brought to you by Peloton. Everyone has a reason to change. Growing old, heartbreak, a fresh start. Whatever it may be, Peloton is here to get you through life's biggest moments with instructors that speak your language and workouts that move to your own rhythm. Peloton's tread and all access membership help you set your targets, track your progress and get stronger, making your fitness goals a reality. Find your push, find your power, Peloton. Visit onepalaton.com In 2009, three days before.
- [22:19]
Jeff Zimmerman
Halloween, a grisly crime stunned the seaport town of Anacortes, Washington.
- [22:25]
Aaron Barker
I can only describe it as evil, something horrible, something terrible.
- [22:30]
Jeff Zimmerman
The scene was at the house of a popular dog trainer named mark stover from 48 hours. This is Train to Kill, the dog trainer, the heiress and the bodyguard. A love triangle between Mark Stover. He couldn't control his obsession, you know, he chronicled his obsession, an heiress who wanted a new life and her new lover. It's a beautiful love, in my opinion.
- [22:56]
Telly
It's.
- [22:56]
Jeff Zimmerman
It's legendary. Throughout this case, detectives wondered who was the hunter and who was the hunted. Follow and listen to Train to Kill, the dog trainer, the heiress and the bodyguard on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone. Paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment.
- [23:38]
Aaron Barker
Of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See full terms@mintmobile.com hey there, travelers. Kaley Cuoco here. Sorry to interrupt your music. Great artist, BT dubs, but wouldn't you rather be there to hear it live with Priceline? You can get out of your dreams and into your dream concert. They've got millions of travel deals to get you to that festival gig, rave, sound bath or sonic experience you've been dreaming of. Download the Priceline app today and you can save up to 60% off hotels and up to 50% off flights. So don't just dream about that trip. Book it with Priceline.
- [24:13]
Jeff Zimmerman
Go to your happy price. Priceline. We're back.
- [24:18]
Kevin Allison
Welcome to hosting segment.
- [24:30]
Jeff Zimmerman
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
- [24:36]
Kevin Allison
This is Pinball number count from Sesame street by Walt Kramer and the Pointer Sisters. And before that, we heard a little something called Ryan is a person in your neighborhood by John La Sala. And before all that, we heard, of course, from Jeff Zimmerman. Jeff is teaching a comedic storytelling class starting on April 23, and his solo show Caregiver is returning to the Soho Playhouse for two weeks starting May 7th. Learn about that at jeffsimmerman.com and go see the next Top Shelf Stories where Jeff's story was recorded on May 14th. Tickets are at UCB comedy.com folks, one of our Patreon patrons, Sheila, sent us a little note with her donation. It said, love you guys. Hang in there. Sarah wrote sending love and Ralph said, love you. Love the show. Well, Ralph, Sarah and Sheila, we love you too. We have so much gratitude and love for all of those who are helping keep this podcast going. We dearly need even more help. And for our Patreon supporters, we actually have a new bonus story out right now from Kerry Doherty, and it sounds a little bit like this.
- [25:58]
Telly
Flight attendants have secret code words and.
- [26:00]
Aaron Barker
Phrases that they are trained to use.
- [26:03]
Telly
In emergency situations so that they don't freak out passengers and cause panic on flights.
- [26:09]
Aaron Barker
I swear to God, you guys, this is true.
- [26:11]
Telly
If you know a flight attendant, you know this. It's warm in Dallas. Means someone's going into cardiac arrest. We've run out of decaf coffee. Means one of the engines is on fire.
- [26:25]
Kevin Allison
And there's plenty more where that came from@patreon.com risk Next, we're gonna hear from Aaron Barker. This is another one that was recorded at a storytelling show. We're friendly with Bailey Swilley's We Love a theme storytelling show. It's every month at Pete's Candy Store in New York. But this story was also told at the Artichoke Storytelling show run by Drew Prochaska in Beacon, New York. And because of some technical reasons, our editor, John La Sala ended up Frankensteining the first part of one to the second Part of the other. See if you can hear the stitching. I don't think you'll be able to notice it. It's a story Aaron calls good neighbors.
- [27:31]
Telly
It's about 7pm on a Thursday and I'm just signing off from work. I work from home in my apartment. And at this moment in time, I am very pregnant actually. And what nobody really tells you about being pregnant is that for at least three to four months it is literally not possible to be comfortable in any position that your body is in. And the closest I can get is wrapping my entire body around a body length pillow like a koala bear around a eucalyptus tree. That's the closest I get to some semblance of comfort. And so I'm so excited. All I want to do is sign off and eat three to five pounds of McDonald's french fries and wrap myself around my koala pillow. But then I hear someone banging on my door and I go and I look through the peephole and it is my neighbor Paula. Paula and her husband Michael live two doors down from me. And they're in their 70s, they're an older couple and they are the crazy tenants in the building. Every building has the crazy tenants. They are ours. Paula looks like. Just picture a crazy white lady in your head. Whatever you're picturing, that's exactly what Paula looks like. She likes to stand right by our apartment door and have full conversations with our dog who just barks at her in response. And her husband Michael is. We were once, my husband and I were once in the elevator with Michael and he said, completely unprompted, Paula was a beautiful girl once. Now she's all fucked up. That's a direct quote. Michael is an old man stoner. That's how he talks. Once I was taking the dog out for a walk. I was coming back in and I got out of the elevator as he got in and I went into the apartment, fed the dog, spent about 10 minutes getting ready. I came back out, pressed the button on the elevator. Michael was still standing in there. And he goes, ah, man, I forgot to press the button. So that's Michael. And so I have Paula now knocking on my door. And historically it has not been a good thing for me when Paula is knocking on my door. The last time she knocked on my door she had one of her old coats with her and she made me try it on and model it for her. And then she said, it looks great. And I said, thank you. And she said, that'll be 50 bucks. And I tried to Explain that I wasn't in the market for a new coat. And she said, well, what'd you try it on for? Then, as if it were my idea. Another time, she knocked on the door, and she told me that Michael wasn't home and she needed someone to rub cream on her head. And I couldn't think of an excuse fast enough, so I did it. I rubbed the cream on her head in a little bald spot right up here. And then there was one other time when she threw our doormat down the garbage chute and replaced it with one that she preferred. So that's Paula. And she's knocking on my door. And I know that I have to answer. I'm thinking about the french fries and the koala pillow, but I know that I have to answer, because somehow Paula knows if you don't answer. And she holds a grudge. She is still mad at us because my husband wouldn't get her tickets to see Bruce Springsteen from his job at Ticketmaster. Even though I have explained to her many times that my husband has never worked for Ticketmaster, she refuses to accept this explanation. So I open the door, and she says, are you coming to the meeting? And I completely forgotten that. We had a building meeting that night, primarily to address our trash compactor, which has been broken for weeks, as well as some other things in the building. We live in one of those buildings where things are always broken and never fixed. And I'm kind of used to it by now. One of our drawers came off its tracks two years ago, and the super has never come to fix it. And it is still, to this day, sitting on a chair in my kitchen because I have a master's degree, but I don't know how to fix a drawer. So I say, I don't know, Paula. I don't really want to go to the meeting. I'm thinking about the french fries and the koala pillow. But she starts yelling at me. She says, don't you know nothing's gonna get fixed if we don't band together? Don't you care about the building? Don't you care about your neighbors? And so I say, fine. All right, let's go. Because the truth is, I am a little bit scared of Paula. There was one time when I heard a commotion in the hallway, and I looked out through our peephole to see Paula being subdued and handcuffed by the nypd. This event was never explained to me, and it never felt like the right time to ask. So I ride down the elevator with Paula, and we get down to the lobby. And by lobby, I really just mean the hallway that has our mailboxes and the elevator in it. The word lobby sort of implies furniture or plants. There is none of that. It's just a very small area. And I say hello to the neighbors that I know well. The lady who owns the dog named Precious, the lady who owns the dog named Lucky, the lady who owns the dog named Kramer. These are all my good friends in the building. The meeting begins and immediately descends into chaos. For some reason, even though we are in a very confined space, all within about five feet of each other, we are all screaming at the top of our lungs. And somebody is saying the real problem is the front door needs to be fixed. And someone is saying the real problem is the lack of of security. And someone else is saying the lady who works at the management office is a bitch. Which is true. And then someone else is saying something about the recycling. And it's all just complete chaos, interrupted only for a round of applause when one of the grown up neighbor boys walks through the lobby with his mother's recycling and we find out that he has just passed his firefighter training. So after the applause, the chaos resumes again. Everyone's yelling. And finally it is decided that Paula will be our leader for the very compelling reason that she is the only one who wants to. And that we will follow her plan of continuing to call the management office on a schedule every day until the trash compactor is fixed. And I leave this meeting just feeling like, what a waste of of time. I should have stayed upstairs with my french fries. And I forget totally about it so that I don't even notice a few days later until the trash compactor is fixed. A few months later, my husband and I are in the elevator with our newborn baby and we run into Michael. And Michael is shocked, shocked to find that we have a baby, despite the fact that I have been visibly pregnant for months. And then it's our turn to be shocked because he tells us that Paula has just passed away a few days ago after a long illness, and I hadn't even known that she was sick. And he says, yeah, man, I miss her more than I thought after Paula was gone. Nobody's mopping the floors in our building anymore. A dead rat sat on the doorstep for three days without anybody doing anything about it. But there's no more meetings. Nobody's holding any meetings about it. Michael is kind of shuffling around the building like a zombie. I actually kind of miss her talking to my dog through the door. Michael starts eating A lot of cheeseburgers. And I know this because whatever app he's using to order Shake Shack and five guys, he accidentally put our apartment number instead of his in. So they keep delivering it to us and they press the buzzer and our dog barks and our baby wakes up and it's fine. It's fine. When we take it to him, he goes, oh, hey, thanks, man. How much do I owe you? And we have to explain to him that he already paid for it. He in fact, ordered it. But the last time I saw Michael, he was still looking downcast, still looking more disheveled than ever. And he said to us, you know, I don't think I'll ever get married again. I think Paula was the one. And I thought, you know, that's really beautiful. This whole time, you know, I've really thought of Michael and Paula as kind of like the crazy couple in the building of like the punchline to this joke about what I'm afraid my husband and I will become if we stay in New York long enough. But really, like, the contributions that she made to this building and to this community were real and her relationship with Michael was real. And I'm starting to tear up a little bit. And Michael says, yeah, I'll probably just get some hookers in. I just hope he gives them the correct apartment number. Thank you.
- [37:11]
Jeff Zimmerman
Erin Barker, everybody.
- [37:15]
Telly
And let's hear it for Paula and Michael today.
- [37:20]
Jeff Zimmerman
It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood A beautiful day for a neighbor Would you be mine?
- [37:27]
Kevin Allison
Could you be mine?
- [37:30]
Jeff Zimmerman
It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood the neighborly day for a beauty.
- [37:35]
Kevin Allison
Would you be mine?
- [37:37]
Jeff Zimmerman
Could you be mine? I have always wanted to have a neighbor just like you I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you so let's make the most of this beautiful day since we're together we might as well say Would you be mine?
- [37:59]
Kevin Allison
Could you be mine?
- [38:01]
Jeff Zimmerman
Won't you be my neighbor? Won't you please, won't you please, please, won't you be my neighbor?
- [38:13]
Kevin Allison
This is Risk. This is, of course, Mr. Rogers behind me now. And we just heard from Aaron Barker. Aaron is the executive director and co founder of the Story Collider. They're having their 15 year anniversary celebration on June 3rd at Caveat in New York City. Find out more@storycollider.org and thanks to Bailey Swilley for lending us the audio for the first half of that story. And thanks to Drew Prochazka from the Artichoke for the latter half. You can Learn about Bailey's show. We love a theme@baileyswilley.com you can learn about the artichoke at artichokeshow.com folks, there are still slots left in my online storytelling workshops. I have one starting on May 14th and it goes through July 2nd. So that's Wednesday evenings from 6:30pm to 9:00pm Eastern Standard Time. And I have another one from June 1st to July 27th. So that's Sunday mornings from 10:00am to 12:30pm Eastern Standard Time. Go ahead and email me at kevinrisk-show.com for more information. These workshops are so much fun. It's so life affirming. And meeting this era of destruction with creation is. I mean, it's good for your mental health. I think you'll gain skills that are useful in many areas of your life. You'll get to workshop several stories with me and with fellow Risk fans who will be your classmates. And Risk fans are just the best. And another thing I'm doing to raise money for my big move to Thailand in August is I'm offering one on one hangout sessions with fans on Zoom. You want to meet with me and chat about anything, what's going on in your life? Ask me questions about what's going on in mine. If you want to share a story with me and get feedback or ask me questions about behind the scenes at Risk or about my comedy group, the State or Kink community wisdom, let's me and you have some quality time together on Zoom. These hangouts are a hundred dollars or more if you're feeling extra generous. And it's all to help me with my move in August. And folks, this Thursday, May 1st kicks off Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month in the United States. And to honor that, we're putting out episode number six of our Best of Asian American Story series and it's featuring two of the most profound and really gobsmacking stories to tell you the truth told by Asian American storytellers on Risk in the past couple of years. One of them is from Justine Ang Fonte.
- [41:36]
Telly
I remember what was really trendy during that time were these no Fear brand T shirts. A teammate of mine actually gifted me.
- [41:45]
Jeff Zimmerman
With one of these shirts for one.
- [41:46]
Telly
Of my birthdays and I wore it to practice the next day and I felt proud because it said pain is weakness leaving the body. I wore that shirt and one of my teammates looked over and said oh tight.
- [42:02]
Kevin Allison
But that's Thursday. And folks, today's the day. Take a risk.
- [42:15]
Jeff Zimmerman
12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 65 or 3?
- [42:19]
Telly
One.
- [42:23]
Jeff Zimmerman
Whisper.