Tim Allen (2:11)

I know. Sell sell. Track your car's value with Carvana Value Tracker today.

Misha Gajewski (2:20)

Did you know that parents rank financial literacy as the number one most difficult life skill to teach? Meet Greenlight, the debit card and money app for families. With Greenlight, you can send money to kids quickly, set up chores automate allowance, and keep an eye on your kids spending with real time notifications. Kids learn to earn, save and spend wisely. And parents can rest easy knowing their kids are learning about money with guardrails in place. Try greenlight Risk free today@greenlight.com Spotify ABC Wednesday.

Tim Allen (2:51)

Tim Allen and Kat Dennings star in.

Jack Jezero (2:53)

The new family comedy Shifting Gears.

Misha Gajewski (2:55)

Dad, I'm broke and I need a place to stay until I figure out what the rest of my life looks like.

Jack Jezero (2:59)

So a couple of days when his.

Tim Allen (3:02)

Daughter moves back in. The last time you walked out that door, you looked back at me and gave me a double bird.

Misha Gajewski (3:07)

I was 18. The double bird was how I ended all our conversations.

Kevin Allison (3:10)

The wheels come off.

Misha Gajewski (3:11)

Can we try to talk to each other like rational adults?

Tim Allen (3:13)

Have you watch the news lately? That's not a thing anymore. Series premiere Wednesday, 8, 7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.

Kevin Allison (3:20)

Now here's the show. Hello, folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison. This is Jack Jezero behind me now. And we're calling this week's episode Holiday Blues Number two. We sometimes put a sadder or more wistful story on one of our holiday stories episod, but we get pitched a lot of them and they're beautiful in their own way. So we started this little series called Holiday Blues to run shortly after the holidays. It's important to keep it real, and the holidays can be really challenging at times. In a little bit, we're going to hear from Wanda Wilson Bowser, but before that, we'll hear from Misha Gajewski, who pitched this to us a while back. So it's great to finally have it on. Here's Misha Gajewski now. Now with a story we call Toxic Babsha.

Misha Gajewski (5:28)

So I wasn't even gonna go to this Christmas dinner because I had said yes to working this late night shift for this horrible, horrible job that had only rehired me because they didn't have enough people to cover the late night holiday shifts. And it's like all the way across the city. And, you know, because it's Canada and it's Christmas, of course it's blizzarding. But I said yes because, well, my mom promised me a plate of food and a glass of wine. And as a pretty much unemployed writer, I'm not turning down free food or booze. And it's also the first Christmas I've been home for in years. I was living abroad. So, like, I haven't actually done stay at home Christmas in a While. And my brother's cooking and my grandparents on my mom's side, who I haven't seen in ages, are there. And so I said yes. And I make the trek across the city through a blizzard. And by the time I get there, I'm exhausted and frazzled and I just, I want that glass of wine. I really just. That's it. That's all I want. So I open the door to my parents house, kick off my boots, hang up my coat, and I start walking in to say hi to everyone. And before I get very far, I run into my grandmother on my dad's side, Babsha. And I smile. And she looks at me and she says, God, I wish you'd take that fucking thing out of your face. Referring to my nose ring that I got put in earlier this year. And in my head I'm like, well, merry fucking Christmas to you too. But I don't say that. I just smile, give her a hug hello, because what else am I gonna do? And behind her I see the very familiar scenes of a family dinner. I see my dad has fully just given up on dealing with his family. He's aggressively washing dishes because I'm pretty sure an attempt not to strangle my Uncle Tom, because he probably went on one too many weird rants, he's just taking out his aggression on the china. And my mom is just like a whirling dervish and she's just flitting about trying to make sure everyone's happy and everything's happening. And my brother is there in his element preparing dessert with like Michelin star precision. And I wish I like had seen them first before I ran into my grandmother. Because today I could have used just a little bit of comfort before I walk into that dining room with everyone, including both sets of grandparents, my uncle, his wife, the godmothers, just the whole lion's nest of humans. Because I know, I know as soon as I get in there, the questions are gonna start coming and they're gonna see how much of a dumpster fire my life is. I am single for the foreverth year in a row. I am barely employed. And you know, I just, I didn't like fortify my mental walls to handle that. And I don't even have a glass of wine in me yet, so I kinda wish I'd seen them first. But I shouldn't have even been surprised by my grandmother's less than welcoming greeting. I mean, she's not just a bitch after four glasses of wine on Christmas, she's a bitch. Always. Look the thing you need to know about my grandmother is she is a 4 foot 11 woman with perfectly coiffed bleach blonde hair and is somehow always wearing like cashmere sweaters with pearls. She has the attitude of a high school mean girl. I mean, if you ever read Queen Bees and Wannabes, she is and always has been a queen bee. She never grew out of that high school personality or the racist thinking of the 50s. She loves people for how good they sound to her friends at book club. That's the kind of grandmother she is. So I shouldn't have been surprised. This has been a thing for years. When I was a kid, at first I was the only girl grandchild. So like, I probably should have been, you know, special and doted on and stuff. And for like a hot second I was. She would like, buy me clothes and take me shopping. But around the time I turned 10 and developed a personality, the love very much stopped. I remember there was one time that my parents had like dropped me at their place and for a sleepover and I had come down for breakfast and I had the perfect beachy waves, messy hair look that was like all the rage. And I was like, so impressed with myself. And she took one look at me and she's like, nope. And she like marched me right back up to the bathroom and made me brush out my hair before I could even eat breakfast. And I was like, devastated because, like, perfect hair, you know, As I got older, I became more of the black sheep on that side of the family. I'm the unemployed writer instead of a doctor or an accountant like my brothers and cousins are. I am perpetually single instead of married or in like, very long term committed relationships. The list of my shortcomings for acceptable young woman in my grandmother's eyes is endless. And I just, I'm not living up to it at all. And so she loved to pick at all of my insecurities. At every family gathering or family dinner, she would come and say, you know, you should really do something with your hair. Literally right after I had just gotten it cut and styled. Sometimes she wouldn't even say anything. She would just look me up and down and tut in disapproval of my outfit. Sometimes she would feign interest in my life and she would ask me about something I was working on or something I was excited about. And the second I started answering, she would just, just turn and start talking to someone else. Classic, classic Babcha move. And her favorite question that she would ask me every single time I saw her is, so how many of your friends are married, which sounds like an innocent question, but in mean girl speak, is, why don't you have a boyfriend? What's wrong with you? Why aren't you married yet? The messed up thing is, for years, I still wanted her love and approval. I wanted what my brothers and cousins got so easily. I don't know why, but I did. And maybe it's because on that side of the family, my grandmother is the end all, be all. She's the one you have to impress. And I wanted to. For years, I wanted to. Anyways, I go and I sit down in the dining room with everyone, and I see the plate of food my mom's left for me. I sit down and I start eating, and I'm no more than, like, three bites in. And my Baptist says, you know, you looked so much better when your hair was brown. I'm like, mouth full of food. What? When are you gonna. When are you gonna dye it back? Sorry. What? And I, like, just. I take a sip of wine finally, and I don't even really taste it. I'm just, like, fortifying myself for whatever's coming next. And all the women around my grandmother are nodding and agreeing. They're like, yeah, your hair did look so much better brown. I know they know what side they need to be on. I'm kind of looking around. I'm like, oh, maybe someone might rescue me here. Maybe there's someone else who might jump in and change the topic of conversation. But my grandfathers and my uncle are very deep in whatever men talk about over cognac, so they're not coming to help. My other grandmother has already gone to bed. She's long gone. And the rest of my family who might save me are in the kitchen. So, like, I'm alone. I take a giant sip of wine, just trying to get ready for what's about to come. And I keep eating, staring at this plate like, maybe. Maybe it'll save me. And I hear, is that a tattoo on the back of your neck? Yeah.

Wanda Wilson Bowser (13:29)

Ugh.

Misha Gajewski (13:30)

Why would you get a tattoo? Oh, they're hideous. Cool. Do you have more? Yeah. Where? On my ribcage. And then I see my dad's godmother make a move. And then I feel fingers at the hem of my sweater, and I hear, let us see. Let us see. Ooh, we gotta see it. And my sweater is rising higher and higher, and it's past my belly button, and. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What the fuck is happening? What the fuck is happening? And it's getting yanked up Past my bra, and they're all crowding around saying, let me see, let me see, let me see. Let us see it, Let us see it. They're all trying to gather round and see the tattoo and their cold, bony fingers, and they're pulling down my bra strap. Let us see, let us see. Like, my tits are out at the Christmas dining table.

Wanda Wilson Bowser (14:22)

Oh, my God.

Misha Gajewski (14:23)

I can't believe you have another tattoo. Why would you get tattoos? And it's coming from all angles, just, like, constant piling on. Oh, who's gonna love you with tattoos, do you think? Men like this. Why would you do this to your body? It's mutilation.

Kevin Allison (14:35)

Ugh.

Misha Gajewski (14:35)

No man is ever gonna love you with tattoos. What's gonna happen when you turn older? You're gonna look hideous. Cause when I'm like, 80, I really give a shit about looking hot. And for the record, the tattoo that's causing all of this ruckus is a small circle with a line through it no bigger than a quarter. And, like, all I'm thinking is, like, why are you saying this? Like, what's wrong? Like, just leave. What? Why are we doing this? Just leave me alone. Just let me eat my dinner. It's like 9:00. I'm tired. Like, what is happening? And I finally managed to, like, wriggle out of their bony little fingered grasp and pull down my sweater, down the rest of the wine, and. And just completely disassociate for the rest of the dinner. It's just gonna go on without me mentally present. And I don't remember much after that, but I remember getting in my car and driving back to my house in full on snowstorm. And the further and further I got away from my grandmother and the cronies, the more weight just seemed to lift off my shoulders. I finally got home and I open the door and I just start ugly crying. I just start sobbing. And I crawl into my bed and just let it all out. And in the midst of my pity party, my cat jumps on my bed and she climbs up on my chest and curls up right underneath my chin and she starts purring. The tears are just streaming down my face. And I realize I would have had a much better Christmas alone with my cat in my apartment than I would have had with my family that day. I don't have to subject myself to that torture. I don't have to do that like that. I'm an adult. I can make choices about what I do and don't do, who I let in my life, who gets to be a part of my life whose opinions I put weight on. And while part of me wishes I confronted my grandmother and everyone that day about their behavior, I know it wouldn't change shit. My grandma's always gonna be a bitch. And as for my uncle's wife and my dad's godmothers, they still need the approval or validation of my grandmother. They're always gonna be like that. And looking back, I don't even know why I wanted to win her love, why I believed I could win her love. Because her love isn't love. Or at least it's not the kind I want in my life. And so since that Christmas, I made a rule that I will only see my Babcha three times a year. That's it. She doesn't know this rule. In fact, she knows virtually nothing about my life because she doesn't deserve to. And since then, I got more tattoos and I did find someone who loves me, tattoos and all. And they will never, ever meet her.

Jack Jezero (17:50)

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Ken Mears (18:47)

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Kevin Allison (20:39)

This is Risk this is an almost ironically sad sounding version of Joy to the World by Moonlight Echoes. And we just heard from Misha Gajewski who hosts and manages the Story Collider podcast. You can find Misha on Instagram @Miss Magsky. Well, the holidays are past, but you can still give someone a gift of a patreon membership@patreon.com risk gift. Maybe you're late to getting something for someone or maybe someone's birthday is coming up. There's all the bonus content, the zoom socials and the slams we're going to be hosting over the next year. Our ad free feed that you can plug right into to your regular podcast app. It's all@patreon.com risk and remember, if you want to give a gift of it, it's patreon.com risk gift and it's 15% off if you purchase a whole year. And right now on Patreon, we have a new bonus story for you by one of our very favorite people, Walter Zimmerman. Such a delightful fella who has told some unforgettable stories on the show before and has some very surprising things to share about his childhood. It sounds a little bit like this.

Tim Allen (22:03)

And here we all were outcasts. No one wanted us. I didn't even know why they locked the doors and didn't let us just run away at night. They wouldn't have to feed us. So it was like getting the outside of a holiday. The wreaths went up a huge tree in the front hall with gorgeously decorated packages. We found out later were empty boxes that were used as props year after year after year so that the visitors would come and think that there was much more festivity than actually was in place.

Kevin Allison (22:34)

That and so Much more@patreon.com risk Next up, we're gonna hear from another one of our very favorite people, Wanda Wilson Bowser. Wanda did a Risk live show, the one and only time that we did one in my home hometown of Cincinnati. And ever since, she's been one of our most vocal supporters and stays engaged in the community of Risk listeners online at places like the Risk Podcast Fans Discussion Group on Facebook. So here is Wanda now with a story we call my Mother's Daughter.

Wanda Wilson Bowser (23:34)

Christmas lights are twinkling and shimmering as far as I can see. The cheerful sound of sleigh bells and trumpets and other assortments of horns are piping through my car speakers. Overall, there's this feeling of good cheer and jovialness as I follow along this caravan of cars at Christmas in the Park. There are Santas and reindeer and angels on high. Baby Jesus in a manger is there with all the little forest animals. And as I'm driving, I can imagine everyone else in their cars feeling the love, feeling the happiness of Christmas. Meanwhile, I am in my car, sobbing, alone. It is December 2008, and nine days before this, I had just had a baby. Usually I would be with my extended family in Tennessee, celebrating, drinking, causing all kinds of ruckus and merriment. But I was on my own, trying to figure out how to breastfeed, how to sleep when he was sleeping, being petrified of SIDS and trying to navigate postpartum feelings. I remember when I first came home from the hospital with this baby thinking, okay, what am I supposed to do with him? You know, I've always had to study or take a test to show that I was competent with doing something, and they just handed me this whole person that I had birthed and were like, best wishes, good luck, congratulations. On top of that, there's the fear of missing out. I did not put up any decorations that year, didn't wrap a present. There's no Christmas tree. There's no baking going on, no smells of cinnamon or peppermint or evergreen or any of that good stuff that you relate to Christmas. So while the rest of the world is celebrating this holiday, I am feeling guilty because I don't have anything prepared for my son's first Christmas. And so I'm already feeling like, damn, I'm really failing at this mom thing. My husband could tell that I was not myself, that I needed a break. I needed to get out of the house. So he recommended go for a drive, clear your mind. I've got the baby. And so I took his advice and I did. And I came across this Christmas in the park that was in our town. As I'm driving through and sobbing in my car, feeling wounded and really confused and like I'm having this identity crisis. I thought, women give birth all the time. You know, what am I feeling? How do women get through this? And it occurred to me, oh, moms usually have their moms to help them navigate motherhood. And more than anything else that Christmas, I wanted my mom. Growing up, I had difficulty connecting with my mom. She is a South Korean immigrant, she's very conservative. And I didn't always feel like she related to me at all. As this black and Korean kid growing up in this small southern Tennessee town, when I wanted to wear what the other girls were wearing, she would say, that's too tight. Take it off. If I wanted to paint my nails red, she would say, no, Wandia, red is too sexy. If I brought home anything less than an A on my report card, it was, why you not bring home A anything below? That was. I was scared to come home with anything less than that. I always felt the weight of this pressure that I was meant to be a representation of how well she was doing as a parent to everyone else. My mom was kind and so sweet for school bake sales. She bakes cookies. She volunteered for PTA things. She attended every parent teacher conference. She took care of my dad's mom, Grandma Louise. Grandma Louise is ornery as hell. She does not like anybody. But she loved my mom, absolutely loved her. For me. She was formidable at times and incredibly difficult to please. And she was rarely vulnerable with me. Other girls talk about how close they are with their mom and how they can tell their mom anything. And I just could not imagine sitting and having a heart to heart with my mom. It was very difficult, it seemed like, for her to just say, I love you. I'm proud of you. I know my mom loved me and she proved her love to me through her actions. And there was no other time that she demonstrated that love for me more so than Christmas time. Even after I left home to go to college, I made sure that I went home every Christmas because my mom made the holidays happen. She and my dad made this special day of Christmas shopping where me and my Sister, we could not go. We had to stay at me and Grandma Louise's house for the entire day. And they would shop till they dropped. And they did a really good job of hiding those gifts because I still don't know where they hid those presents. So every Christmas morning, it was a surprise, you know, what we were getting. You know, usually during the year, my mom, she would cook Korean foods. So our house usually smells like ginger, garlic, onions, kimchi. For Christmas dinner, though, my South Korean mom became a Southern big mama. I mean, she was like cooking up, you know, the turkey and the dressing with the giblet gravy. You know, it's real Southern stuff if you have the giblets in the gravy, you know, we were doing sweet potato casserole with the toasted marshmallows, collard greens season with ham hocks. Had to have the chitlins. Not a fan of the chitlins, but again with the theme. Had to have the chitlins. And my mom would throw down in that kitchen. We would decorate the Christmas tree with the same ornaments. Every year. She kept every crappy Christmas ornament that my sister and I made. You know, the red and white beaded candy canes and the paint, handprints, you know, cotton ball Santas, all that good stuff. As I got older, I remember comparing my handprints to the little handprints and my mom saying she couldn't believe how much I'd grown. And even though I didn't recognize it then, but I know it now, she was giving me that look that parents give their kids when they just cannot fathom how this tiny person that they brought into the world is now this adult person that is comparing their handprints to the handprints of their four year old self. So the last Christmas that my mom was alive was the very first Christmas that I ever missed at home. It was December 2006. I was living in Florida, working at an internship, and I could not afford to go home. Christmas Eve, I went to work because I need a distraction from being homesick. All I could do was imagine what I was missing. I imagine opening gifts on Christmas morning and being genuinely surprised with the gifts because again, they hid them very well. Even when we were adults coming home, I missed going over to Grandma Louisa's house and comparing our gifts to what our cousins got. And the loudness of my dad's three brothers and four sisters, all rabble rousers, you know, the drinking, the loudness, the chaoticness, how warm and fun it was. And you know, My mom making sure that everybody, even though we were at my grandma's house, my mom really running the show and making sure everybody was comfortable and had what they needed and, you know, really felt the Christmas cheer. So during a work break, I called my mom and in the background I could hear family laughing and shouting at each other. And I'm saying, hey, mom, Merry Christmas. And she says, merry Christmas. What are you doing? I said, I'm working. I miss being at home. And she says, I wish you were home. I love you and I miss you. And I'm honestly surprised because I love you's do not come easy from my mother. And my heart hurts at the time because I miss her too. And I really didn't realize exactly why I felt so depressed. I thought it was just because I was missing the holidays at home, but I really missed my mom and how she made the holidays. I remember growing up, I was so ready to leave home and be away from her rigidness. What I felt with her judgmental nature. But it didn't occur to me until I was away from her that I realized how much I needed my mom. After we said goodbye, I immediately started to cry. And a co worker, you know, comes over, she passed my back and she says, everybody wants their mom on Christmas. So after that Christmas, I never got to spend another Christmas with my mom because she passed away in January of 2007. When she died, I really grieved the past we had. And I didn't realize it then, but I also grieved the future that we would never have together. There were so many memories with my mom that I was never going to get to make. There were so many things about her that I would never to know because there are so many questions that I didn't even know to ask until I became a fully fledged out adult woman who then had her own children and was married and was living a life. If I could have gone back and asked her, I would ask her, you know, who were you before you became my mom? What was it like for you to try to figure out motherhood for the first time when life got difficult and it felt like it was too much for one person and you didn't have the answers, how did you figure it out? So back to Christmas 2008, you know, back in that park where I am crying because I miss my mom and I'm wondering, how do women figure this out? It dawns on me, you know, I am the mom now. My mom didn't have a guide to raising me. She figured it out as she went. And I had to do the same thing. If I wanted Christmas magic for myself, if I wanted Christmas magic for my child, it was up to me to create that magic, to become that magician so that honestly, I could experience Christmas through my child's eyes. Because for me now as a parent, that's where the magic of Christmas really existed. My mom would have loved being a halmonie, which is the Korean word for grandmother. My sons, I have two now, they ask about the grandmother they never got to meet. I tell them how much she would have loved and spoiled them. You know, I have friends who are half Korean and Korean mothers become completely different people when they become a hominy. And I find myself jealous that, you know, my kids don't get to experience that. But that newborn, you know, back in 2008, he is now a 14 year old and he has a 7 year old brother. And I want to make the holidays as memorable and magical as possible for them. I want them to grow up and remember like, you know, all through the year. Of course I want them to know I love them, but especially at the holidays, I want them to carry those traditions. So even though they roll their eyes at me and they're like, really, Mom? I notice that they do light up when I play that NSYNC Christmas album all the way through the first time, because that signifies it's Christmas time and we have to watch Elf every Christmas and at least parts of a Christmas story. When that 24 hour marathon happens, at least a scene, they humor me by posing for the pictures that go on Christmas cards. We wear Christmas pajamas on Christmas Eve. And every year we have gone home to Tennessee for Christmas. So recently my boys and I, we were at Christmas at the park because that is another tradition. You know, I'm no longer driving through that park by myself, crying. We are driving to that park listening to NSync, the Christmas album. And we're looking at these festive design displays and the music's going and we're sitting in the car enjoying each other's company. We're in this park and I'm talking to the boys and the oldest one asks, mom, how do you know how to do adult stuff? It seems really hard. And I try to be as honest and age appropriately vulnerable with my children as possible because I want to answer all of their questions while I am here. And I am able to. And so I tell them, well, boys, I usually don't know what I'm doing. You could not imagine how much I have to Google things to figure out if I'm doing it right or how I could do it better. And sometimes I still don't know if what I'm doing is right. And I feel like I'm not doing well. I feel like I'm doing it wrong, actually. And the youngest one says, really, mom, you're doing a really good job. Beyond the holidays, I will always want my mom, but I live to be the type of mother that will honor the magician that she was.

Tim Allen (38:57)

Long time ago in Bethlehem. So the Holy Bible say Mary, boy child Jesus Jesus Christ was born on Christmas Day Hark now hear the angels sing A new king born today and man will live forevermore because of Christmas Day Trumpet sound and angels sing Listen to what they say that man will live forevermore because of Christmas Day this is Risk.

Kevin Allison (39:46)

This is the Harry Simeon Corral behind me now with a sort of calypso song about another mother we hear a lot about at Christmas time. But the mother we just heard from was Wanda Wilson Bowser. And I have a hunch that her boys are blessed indeed to have such an awesome mom. Folks, this episode is being released the day before I get on a plane and return to Thailand for two weeks. I'm going to be exploring neighborhoods in Bangkok, considering where I want to move in the fall. I want to meet as many expats over there as I can who might have advice on making the big move. I want to learn not just how I can keep doing all the work I do to keep brisk running from over there, but I also want to teach storytelling workshops, workshops in English throughout Asia like I have for so many clients like Google and Pfizer and Citibank and so on over here. So if you know anyone in Bangkok, email me at kevinrisk-show.com and let me know. I am hoping that this move will make all kinds of interesting things happen with our work at Risk and the Story Studio. So enough of these holiday blues and happy New Year everyone. And folks, today's the day. Take a risk.

Tim Allen (41:23)

Trumpet sound and angels sing Listen to what they say that man will live forevermore because of Christmas Day Christmas Day, Christmas Day. Hi, I'm Ken Mears, founder of Great healthworks, the makers of Omega xl. Are you suffering from daily aches, pains in your joints? Then try Omega XL. It's a natural drug free supplement and is 16 times more potent than standard fish oil and it's easy to swallow with no fishy aftertaste. Omegaxl works.

Kevin Allison (42:23)

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Tim Allen (42:27)

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Misha Gajewski (42:31)

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Kevin Allison (42:32)

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