Wanda Wilson Bowser (23:34)
Christmas lights are twinkling and shimmering as far as I can see. The cheerful sound of sleigh bells and trumpets and other assortments of horns are piping through my car speakers. Overall, there's this feeling of good cheer and jovialness as I follow along this caravan of cars at Christmas in the Park. There are Santas and reindeer and angels on high. Baby Jesus in a manger is there with all the little forest animals. And as I'm driving, I can imagine everyone else in their cars feeling the love, feeling the happiness of Christmas. Meanwhile, I am in my car, sobbing, alone. It is December 2008, and nine days before this, I had just had a baby. Usually I would be with my extended family in Tennessee, celebrating, drinking, causing all kinds of ruckus and merriment. But I was on my own, trying to figure out how to breastfeed, how to sleep when he was sleeping, being petrified of SIDS and trying to navigate postpartum feelings. I remember when I first came home from the hospital with this baby thinking, okay, what am I supposed to do with him? You know, I've always had to study or take a test to show that I was competent with doing something, and they just handed me this whole person that I had birthed and were like, best wishes, good luck, congratulations. On top of that, there's the fear of missing out. I did not put up any decorations that year, didn't wrap a present. There's no Christmas tree. There's no baking going on, no smells of cinnamon or peppermint or evergreen or any of that good stuff that you relate to Christmas. So while the rest of the world is celebrating this holiday, I am feeling guilty because I don't have anything prepared for my son's first Christmas. And so I'm already feeling like, damn, I'm really failing at this mom thing. My husband could tell that I was not myself, that I needed a break. I needed to get out of the house. So he recommended go for a drive, clear your mind. I've got the baby. And so I took his advice and I did. And I came across this Christmas in the park that was in our town. As I'm driving through and sobbing in my car, feeling wounded and really confused and like I'm having this identity crisis. I thought, women give birth all the time. You know, what am I feeling? How do women get through this? And it occurred to me, oh, moms usually have their moms to help them navigate motherhood. And more than anything else that Christmas, I wanted my mom. Growing up, I had difficulty connecting with my mom. She is a South Korean immigrant, she's very conservative. And I didn't always feel like she related to me at all. As this black and Korean kid growing up in this small southern Tennessee town, when I wanted to wear what the other girls were wearing, she would say, that's too tight. Take it off. If I wanted to paint my nails red, she would say, no, Wandia, red is too sexy. If I brought home anything less than an A on my report card, it was, why you not bring home A anything below? That was. I was scared to come home with anything less than that. I always felt the weight of this pressure that I was meant to be a representation of how well she was doing as a parent to everyone else. My mom was kind and so sweet for school bake sales. She bakes cookies. She volunteered for PTA things. She attended every parent teacher conference. She took care of my dad's mom, Grandma Louise. Grandma Louise is ornery as hell. She does not like anybody. But she loved my mom, absolutely loved her. For me. She was formidable at times and incredibly difficult to please. And she was rarely vulnerable with me. Other girls talk about how close they are with their mom and how they can tell their mom anything. And I just could not imagine sitting and having a heart to heart with my mom. It was very difficult, it seemed like, for her to just say, I love you. I'm proud of you. I know my mom loved me and she proved her love to me through her actions. And there was no other time that she demonstrated that love for me more so than Christmas time. Even after I left home to go to college, I made sure that I went home every Christmas because my mom made the holidays happen. She and my dad made this special day of Christmas shopping where me and my Sister, we could not go. We had to stay at me and Grandma Louise's house for the entire day. And they would shop till they dropped. And they did a really good job of hiding those gifts because I still don't know where they hid those presents. So every Christmas morning, it was a surprise, you know, what we were getting. You know, usually during the year, my mom, she would cook Korean foods. So our house usually smells like ginger, garlic, onions, kimchi. For Christmas dinner, though, my South Korean mom became a Southern big mama. I mean, she was like cooking up, you know, the turkey and the dressing with the giblet gravy. You know, it's real Southern stuff if you have the giblets in the gravy, you know, we were doing sweet potato casserole with the toasted marshmallows, collard greens season with ham hocks. Had to have the chitlins. Not a fan of the chitlins, but again with the theme. Had to have the chitlins. And my mom would throw down in that kitchen. We would decorate the Christmas tree with the same ornaments. Every year. She kept every crappy Christmas ornament that my sister and I made. You know, the red and white beaded candy canes and the paint, handprints, you know, cotton ball Santas, all that good stuff. As I got older, I remember comparing my handprints to the little handprints and my mom saying she couldn't believe how much I'd grown. And even though I didn't recognize it then, but I know it now, she was giving me that look that parents give their kids when they just cannot fathom how this tiny person that they brought into the world is now this adult person that is comparing their handprints to the handprints of their four year old self. So the last Christmas that my mom was alive was the very first Christmas that I ever missed at home. It was December 2006. I was living in Florida, working at an internship, and I could not afford to go home. Christmas Eve, I went to work because I need a distraction from being homesick. All I could do was imagine what I was missing. I imagine opening gifts on Christmas morning and being genuinely surprised with the gifts because again, they hid them very well. Even when we were adults coming home, I missed going over to Grandma Louisa's house and comparing our gifts to what our cousins got. And the loudness of my dad's three brothers and four sisters, all rabble rousers, you know, the drinking, the loudness, the chaoticness, how warm and fun it was. And you know, My mom making sure that everybody, even though we were at my grandma's house, my mom really running the show and making sure everybody was comfortable and had what they needed and, you know, really felt the Christmas cheer. So during a work break, I called my mom and in the background I could hear family laughing and shouting at each other. And I'm saying, hey, mom, Merry Christmas. And she says, merry Christmas. What are you doing? I said, I'm working. I miss being at home. And she says, I wish you were home. I love you and I miss you. And I'm honestly surprised because I love you's do not come easy from my mother. And my heart hurts at the time because I miss her too. And I really didn't realize exactly why I felt so depressed. I thought it was just because I was missing the holidays at home, but I really missed my mom and how she made the holidays. I remember growing up, I was so ready to leave home and be away from her rigidness. What I felt with her judgmental nature. But it didn't occur to me until I was away from her that I realized how much I needed my mom. After we said goodbye, I immediately started to cry. And a co worker, you know, comes over, she passed my back and she says, everybody wants their mom on Christmas. So after that Christmas, I never got to spend another Christmas with my mom because she passed away in January of 2007. When she died, I really grieved the past we had. And I didn't realize it then, but I also grieved the future that we would never have together. There were so many memories with my mom that I was never going to get to make. There were so many things about her that I would never to know because there are so many questions that I didn't even know to ask until I became a fully fledged out adult woman who then had her own children and was married and was living a life. If I could have gone back and asked her, I would ask her, you know, who were you before you became my mom? What was it like for you to try to figure out motherhood for the first time when life got difficult and it felt like it was too much for one person and you didn't have the answers, how did you figure it out? So back to Christmas 2008, you know, back in that park where I am crying because I miss my mom and I'm wondering, how do women figure this out? It dawns on me, you know, I am the mom now. My mom didn't have a guide to raising me. She figured it out as she went. And I had to do the same thing. If I wanted Christmas magic for myself, if I wanted Christmas magic for my child, it was up to me to create that magic, to become that magician so that honestly, I could experience Christmas through my child's eyes. Because for me now as a parent, that's where the magic of Christmas really existed. My mom would have loved being a halmonie, which is the Korean word for grandmother. My sons, I have two now, they ask about the grandmother they never got to meet. I tell them how much she would have loved and spoiled them. You know, I have friends who are half Korean and Korean mothers become completely different people when they become a hominy. And I find myself jealous that, you know, my kids don't get to experience that. But that newborn, you know, back in 2008, he is now a 14 year old and he has a 7 year old brother. And I want to make the holidays as memorable and magical as possible for them. I want them to grow up and remember like, you know, all through the year. Of course I want them to know I love them, but especially at the holidays, I want them to carry those traditions. So even though they roll their eyes at me and they're like, really, Mom? I notice that they do light up when I play that NSYNC Christmas album all the way through the first time, because that signifies it's Christmas time and we have to watch Elf every Christmas and at least parts of a Christmas story. When that 24 hour marathon happens, at least a scene, they humor me by posing for the pictures that go on Christmas cards. We wear Christmas pajamas on Christmas Eve. And every year we have gone home to Tennessee for Christmas. So recently my boys and I, we were at Christmas at the park because that is another tradition. You know, I'm no longer driving through that park by myself, crying. We are driving to that park listening to NSync, the Christmas album. And we're looking at these festive design displays and the music's going and we're sitting in the car enjoying each other's company. We're in this park and I'm talking to the boys and the oldest one asks, mom, how do you know how to do adult stuff? It seems really hard. And I try to be as honest and age appropriately vulnerable with my children as possible because I want to answer all of their questions while I am here. And I am able to. And so I tell them, well, boys, I usually don't know what I'm doing. You could not imagine how much I have to Google things to figure out if I'm doing it right or how I could do it better. And sometimes I still don't know if what I'm doing is right. And I feel like I'm not doing well. I feel like I'm doing it wrong, actually. And the youngest one says, really, mom, you're doing a really good job. Beyond the holidays, I will always want my mom, but I live to be the type of mother that will honor the magician that she was.