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- [00:00]
Kevin Allison
Hey, folks, this is Kevin. On this week's episode of Risk, you'll hear Joe Czarnitzky.
- [00:06]
Joe Charnitzky
If you ever go into a church and you see a bunch of candles, understand that's wishes from people like me who thought they had nowhere else to go.
- [00:18]
Kevin Allison
That and more. But first, you are about to hear a bunch of winter holiday stories. And while you're listening, some part of your subconscious might just perk up and say, this is kind of like that time something funny happened to me during Hanukkah when I was seven. Or, oh, I wonder if I could bring myself to share about that one New Year's Eve. Or, wow, remember Christmas during the pandemic? Mine was even weirder than most people's. Well, don't just ignore that voice in your head. The staff here at Risk could help you turn that memory into a story for our holiday episode next year at this time. We take pitches all year long, so whenever you can pitch us at risk-show.com submissions.
- [01:10]
Sean O'Brien
We'll be right back.
- [01:12]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Where'd you get those shoes? Easy. They're from dsw. Because DSW has the exact right shoes for whatever you're into right now. You know, like the sneakers that make office hours feel like happy hour, the boots that turn grocery aisles into runways, and all the styles that show off the many sides of you, from daydreamer to multitasker and every everything in between. Because you do it all in really great shoes. Find a shoe for every you@ your DSW store or dsw.com you know that feeling when you're at Ross and you find the best gifts for way less, like brand name sweaters, the coolest kids toys and plush dog beds. Get that feeling with every gift and save 20 to 60% off other retailers prices at Ross. Yes for less. This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most of your vacation, book with United. They're an airline that cares about your travels as much as you do. United is transforming the flying experience with Bluetooth connectivity, screens, power at every seat, and bigger overhead bins to help fit everyone's bag. And with their app, you can skip the bag check line, get live updates and more. Change the way you fly. Book your next trip today@united.com now here's the show.
- [03:21]
Kevin Allison
Hello, folks. This is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison. This is Dexter Gordon behind me now. And we're calling this week's episode holiday stories number 17. We have such a spectacular catalog now of winter holiday programming. You can be listening to wonderful Yuletide Risk stories all through the season. Mostly happy stories, of course, some tear jerking, some tear jerkingly happy. I'm especially excited about this beautiful episode we'll be releasing on Christmas eve this year, 2024. So don't forget to keep checking your podcast app for all the little gifts Risk keeps putting under your tree, so to speak. In a little bit, we're going to hear from Sean O'Brien and Joe Charnitzky. But first, a little something cooked up by our editor, Jeff Barr called oh, Christmas Trees. And then a story from the wonderful Linda Bailey Walsh, who you can find on Instagram indawallsh. I was so tickled to meet Linda face to face for the first time when I hosted a Risk show in LA a few years back. And you will hear what a delight she is right now in a story we call A Wonderful Life.
- [05:03]
Joe Charnitzky
Christmas.
- [05:11]
Kevin Allison
Or Christmas the Strong. Oh, Christmas Trees.
- [05:56]
Linda Bailey Walsh
So I recently found myself in the middle of a conversation about. Well, I overheard a conversation and then I inserted myself into the conversation and the conversation was about the movie Elf. And someone was talking about how much they hated the movie Elf. Like, really hated the movie Elf. She was like, I would pay someone to watch that movie for me again. And I realized I hated her. Like, I instantly hated her. I didn't know. I didn't need to know anything else about her. I was like, what a terrible person. Like, that's a terrible person. Like, if you don't have any room for like joy or whimsy, like hope in your heart and like, you hate Elf. I just, you know, that's the thing I learned about myself is that that's all it takes for me to hate you. And so, you know, I mean, I love Christmas. I love holidays. I really do. I get into all of it and I'm lucky enough. I know that's sort of a luxury to have memories of happy holidays, but I really do. I have a gigant crazy Irish family. I'm the youngest of six. I have 16 nieces and nephews. Like, we are the party. It doesn't matter. Like, wherever we go, we just bring the party with us. So I always, you know, most of my life, I have really great memories of Christmas and holidays and things like that. And I really like the traditions. I love the tree. I love. I never get tired of the music, Mariah Carey. But the rest of it, the rest of it I really love. And I love the traditions and you know, my favorite tradition is watching the 1946 Frank Capra film It's a Wonderful Life. And anybody. Thank God I don't have to hate all of you, but I love this film. And for those of you who don't know this movie, it's about George Bailey. No relation. And George Bailey, he's a good person. He's just like an undeniably good person. But he's not a good person, like in big, bold letters, like a Mother Teresa or like a Dolly Parton. Good person. He's just, you know, a good person who does a lot of things over his life that could easily be sort of forgotten or looked over. And some of the things he does, like when he's 7 years old, his brother, they're ice skating and his brother falls in the ice and he just dives in and gets his brother out. And then another time, when he's working at a pharmacy, he's about 10 years old, and child labor laws weren't really. And he realizes that the pharmacist actually put poison in one of the prescriptions that he's supposed to deliver. And the reason why is because the pharmacist just got a telegram that his son died in World War II, and George stops him from poisoning this child. And one of the main things that George does is he really kind of lets go of his dreams of traveling and going to college to stay and help his family and help the family business. And the family business is really important because it's the Belli Brothers Savings and Loan, and they offer mortgages to working class people. So immigrants, poor people, blue collar workers are able to actually, like, own their homes. So he makes a great dent in the community. And I won't tell you everything about the movie. I don't want to be a spoiler, but you've had since 1946. But there's a moment in the movie where George is at his breaking point. He's had it. He's in big, big, big trouble. And he is just about to do something very, very drastic. He realizes that he's worth more dead than alive. And just at that moment, we flash into heaven. And there's St. Joseph and there's Clarence. And Clarence, St. Joseph, I assume, you know, Clarence is an angel, second class, because he hasn't gotten his wings yet. And he's been trying for a very long time. And St. Joseph calls him in and he says, we have to help George Bailey. He's in trouble. And Clarence says, is he sick? And he says, no, it's worse. He's Discouraged. And with that, Clarence goes to save George Bailey. And he manages to catch him right before George Bailey throws himself off of a bridge. And what he does to try to save George Bailey eventually, because George isn't finding any value in his life. And he shows George what the world would have been like had he never lived. And you realize that his brother that he saved from drowning in the ice became a World War II hero and saved hundreds of soldiers. And the pharmacist that he stopped from poisoning the child would have been to jail and the child would have died. And then he also realizes that all of those people would not have been able to get mortgages. They would not have been able to build their families. They all would live in these slums. Like Mr. Potter, who is definitely a Trump relative, they all would be living in these slums without him. That, they point out, is what would have happened to George's wife Mary, because it's the most dramatic scene in the movie. And he says, what happened to Mary? Tell me what happened to Mary. He says, you're not gonna like it, George. She never married and she's just about to close the library. So as you can guess, all wads up, out. I won't tell you everything. You really should check it out. But in this movie, the thing that kills me, there's lots of very famous lines in this movie. You know, every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings, all these things. But the thing that kills me is that line of, is he sick? No, it's worse. He's discouraged. Because that's all we have right in life. Like, even if you're physically sick, you still don't want to be discouraged. And it just, it breaks my heart to think of a good person being discouraged like that. And it makes me think of my own family around the holidays in about 1993. And although, like I said, big strong family we had gotten the previous years, we just gotten our ass kicked by the universe. And my father had died after a very long illness, my grandfather had died. And the worst of it all was my 6 year old nephew was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor in the stem of his brain and died. And that year when the holidays came around, no one really felt like celebrating and we were just going through the motions. And just as we were getting ready to go to my sister's house who was hosting, my brother in law showed up. And my brother in law is like a total, you know, sports head football player type, not a fun in the kitchen kind of guy. And he showed up with these, like, hard boiled eggs that he also, like, sliced, like, black olives and made wings and then put a head on them and he made them penguins. And it was like the most random thing in the world. Just like, he just did this thing. And we thought it was hilarious. And we knew we were going to be seeing him later. And because I come from the most competitive family in the world, we immediately were like, oh, my God, Sean's bringing penguin eggs. You have to beat him. You have to do something better. You have to do something better. And, like, everybody scurried for the rest of the day to just make something else to beat Sean's eggs. And this turned into a massive yearly tradition. And keep in mind, no one in my family has any culinary skills whatsoever. Like, we're all Irish. Nobody goes to eat in an Irish restaurant. Like, you know, but. And it just eventually all just became about dessert. That's all anybody cared about was dessert. And it turned into, like, we would call each other and threaten each other during the year, and we would have. We try to pay off children to find out, like, what the mother was making. Like, we were nuts about it. And it wound up being a thing where, like, there was a trophy and you got bragging rights for a year. Like, it was a big deal. So around this time, a friend of mine started working for the Rosie O'Donnell show, and she just happened to mention to Rosie this crazy thing her friend's family does. And Rosie said, let's book her on the. Book them on the show. So in 1997, around Thanksgiving, do you guys remember we were on the Rosie O'Donnell Show? Spoiler alert. But do you guys remember at the beginning of the Rosie O'Donnell show, they would pick somebody from the audience to do the introduction? So it would be like, I'm Claire from Des Moines. And today's, you know, guests are blah, blah, blah. So that day, Claire from Des Moines said, hi, I'm Claire from Des Moines. And today's guests are Whitney Houston and the Walsh family Bake. And it was amazing to see the whole audience, like, who the fuck are the Walshes? So this was actually happening. We were the only guests on the show. There wasn't any other guests except us and Whitney Houston. And everybody always asks me, like, about Whitney Houston. I don't know anything about Whitney Houston. We were the stars that day. Like, the Walshes were the stars of the Rosie O'Donnell Show. I honestly have, like, no, outside of her sweating a lot, I don't have any memories of Whitney Houston that day. But my family was, like, amped, and we all came. So There was, like, 30 people, and we were like, the Walshes let loose in Rockefeller Plaza, like, in, you know, 40 rock. It was nuts. And, like, at one point, and no one in my family, like, they're not showbiz people, so nobody had any cool about anything. Like, everybody was just like, you know, Jim Carrey was there. They were like, Jim just screamed. And then at one point, we saw, like, Cameron Diaz. Cause she was hosting Saturday Night Live. And my sister, not knowing what she was doing, like, handed, like, Chris Kattan the camera and was like, take a picture of us with Cameron dance. And I was like, no, he's famous, too. We have to take a picture with him. And my whole family took a picture with him. And then there was, like, one point where we were going up in an elevator. And again, we're so hyper. Like, we're so excited. We're so hyper. And we're going up, and my mother's there and a whole bunch of people in the family. And the elevator door is open, and it's Rob Reiner and Jerry Seinfeld. And literally my whole family's just like, oh, my God. Screaming. And my mother just leans right in and looks at Jerry Seinfeld and goes, who are you? And then the elevator's doors closed. But as far as the actual set, the actual, you know, time on the show, so we divided up into three different camps, and we made our desserts. And my dessert that I made with my niece was a volcano. So it was like a layer cake. And it had, like, cookies that were islands and blue jello that made, like, a little river and things like that. And I had a special secret weapon was that my cake, my volcano erupted, which I had rigged with, like, tubing and a turkey baster. And right before we set up, like, the prop guy was like, you have to do it this way. I was like, it's not going to work. Back and forth, whatever. He jinxed me. But I showed that. And then Rosie's like, make it work. And it wouldn't work. So Rosie's like, all right, we'll come back to the sad volcano lady. And then we went to my mom and my sister, and they had made a Titanic cake. And it was this huge Titanic cake. And then they had a vat again of blue jello. It was, like, 50 bucks and of blue Jello. And they had a plate under the cake so that when they pushed the cake, it broke in half and fell into the vat of Jell O. And then we went to my niece and my sister and they made a cake that looked like a TV with Rosie O'Donnell on it. But what they did was they took the guts out of a Rosie O'Donnell doll and they put it in the cake so that when you push the candy button on the cake, it said like, dreams come true with Rosie. And so that was fun. And then Rosie came back and was like, okay, have we got Linda's thing fixed? And I'm still cursing the prop person. And so then we squeezed it and we did get my chocolate syrup came out of the top of the volcano. It wasn't that impressive. It was a little disappointing. So then Rosie wanted to try it herself. So Rosie starts squeezing the turkey baster to make the tubing spit out this chocolate syrup. And it's not really working. So Rosie pulls out the turkey baster and she decides to just blow straight into the turkey baster, which she does. And she's a powerful lady with strong lungs. So the chocolate syrup goes about six feet in the air and lands on my head, completely covered in chocolate syrup. You can see us on the Funniest moments ever of Rosie O'Donnell. There's some compilations where Rosie spits chocolate on someone. That's me. And we also won a 20 year supply of Betty Crocker baking products. So thank you, thank you. They come in very handy still. And the thing that brings this all back for me, when I think about, like, It's a Wonderful Life, for example, was Jimmy Stewart, the actor who plays George Bailey. He actually didn't want to do that movie. He had just returned from World War II and he was extremely traumatized. He was what we would now call ptsd, all these other things. But he was not okay when he was going to do this movie. And he really felt like acting was just such a silly thing to do when people were dying all over the world. And Lionel Barrymore, who plays the evil Mr. Potter in the movie and was a very well known actor at the time, said to him, so you're saying it's okay to bomb these people, but it's not valuable to entertain them. And it made Jimmy Stewart really change how he thought about this. Like this little gift, what he considered this little gift that he had would be useful to people and give them hope. And almost 80 years later, it still is giving so many people hope and joy. And my point about this is, you know, if you're not feeling great, if you're struggling a little through the holiday season or any other time. And there's something little that brings you joy and brings you hope, like the movie elf or some penguin eggs. Go for it. Do it. Because you never know what's going to be that one little thing that's going to bring back hope and show you that it is a wonderful.
- [20:24]
Joe Charnitzky
All right, let's go back to the sad volcano people who didn't interrupt.
- [20:28]
Sean O'Brien
Let's go back to them.
- [20:30]
Joe Charnitzky
All right, go ahead.
- [20:30]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Sad volcano Conlin.
- [20:33]
Joe Charnitzky
I'd be careful getting that clothing. That's good, though.
- [20:38]
Linda Bailey Walsh
They couldn't do it again.
- [20:40]
Joe Charnitzky
Or is that it?
- [20:40]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Huh?
- [20:41]
Joe Charnitzky
What?
- [20:42]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Colin, hold that.
- [20:43]
Joe Charnitzky
Yeah, you hold this.
- [20:44]
Linda Bailey Walsh
That needs more air. Right? Let me take this.
- [20:57]
Sean O'Brien
We'll be right back.
- [20:59]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Okay. I have to tell you, I was just looking on ebay, where I go for all kinds of things I love. And there it was.
- [21:05]
Joe Charnitzky
That hologram trading card. One of the rarest. The last one I needed for my set.
- [21:09]
Kevin Allison
Shiny like the designer handbag of my dreams. One of a kind.
- [21:13]
Joe Charnitzky
Ebay had it.
- [21:14]
Kevin Allison
And now everyone's asking.
- [21:16]
Sean O'Brien
Ooh, where'd you get your windshield wipers?
- [21:18]
Joe Charnitzky
Ebay has all the parts that fit my car.
- [21:20]
Sean O'Brien
No more annoying, just beautiful.
- [21:24]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Whatever you love, find it on eBay. EBay Things people love this episode is.
- [21:30]
Sean O'Brien
Brought to you by aws.
- [21:32]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Amazon Q Business is the new generative.
- [21:34]
Sean O'Brien
AI Assistant from aws. Many tasks can make business slow, like wading through mud.
- [21:39]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Help.
- [21:40]
Sean O'Brien
Luckily, there's a faster, easier, less messy choice. Amazon Q can securely understand your business data to help you streamline tasks like summarizing quarterly results or doing complex analyses in no time. Q Got this. Learn what Amazon Q Business can do for you@aws.com learnmore.
- [21:59]
Joe Charnitzky
This episode is brought to you by Lifelock. The holidays mean more travel, more shopping, more time online, and more personal info in places that could expose you to identity theft. That's why Lifelock monitors millions of data points every second. If your identity is stolen, their US based restoration specialist will fix it, guaranteed. Or your money back. Get more holiday fun and less holiday worry with Lifelock. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com podcast terms apply. You could get the most important meal of the day any time of day. I'm talking about the five dollar Big Deal Breakfast meal from Jack in the Box. Available all day and all night. A breakfast Jack with a freshly cracked egg, a hash brown and French toast sticks for $5 bucks. Sounds good for breakfast, lunch and dinner at Jack. Every bite's a big deal. Order Jack's five dollar Big Deal Breakfast meal now we're back Bitches ain't shit Put hoes and tricks Lick on these nuts and suck the dick get the out after you're done Then I hop in my coop and run Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks Grab the cash and make it quick Long as my pockets is nice and fat don't give a fuck where the bitch was at Ballin down in motherfuckin Compton on the streets tighter than a motherfucker with I love them gangsta beast Bitches ain't shit put hoes and tricks Bailed from jail on a Sunday I'm hanging with Snoop D O, Double G and my homeboy doctor.
- [24:53]
Kevin Allison
This is Risk. This is Gabby Moreno behind me now singing about traveling with her little donkey to Bethlehem and before that, the world's most legendarily terrible lyrics. I'm sure there's even more misogynistic lyrics in existence, but Dr. Dre's are the most parodied. And that parody called Bitchin around the Shitmas Tree was by a sound collage artist named There I Ruined It. Before that, we heard from Linda Bailey Walsh making a chocolatey volcanic mess on the Rosie O'Donnell Show. Check out Linda's podcast Hate Date where people come to share about dates gone very wrong. Now, if you need a last minute gift for the Risk lover in your life, it's not too late. You can give them the gift of a Patreon membership and you can actually do so with a 15% discount. So stuff that in someone's stocking this holiday season or ask someone to st profit in yours. That is at patreon.com risk gift. Over there there are bonus stories, check ins, zoom socials, story pitch jams, and all sorts of other goodies for folks to become Patreon members and help keep us running. Plus an ad free feed of the podcast that you could plug right into your regular podcast app. That's all@patreon.com risk Next we're gonna hear stories from Sean O'Brien and Joe Charnicky, in that order. Sean's story is about realizing he was the bad guy one Christmas. And Joe's story is about finding out he wasn't such a bad guy one Christmas. But before we get to them, a little something from our editor, Jeff Barr. It's called Christmas Crabs.
- [26:59]
Sean O'Brien
This is seriously going to be the worst Christmas ever.
- [27:03]
Joe Charnitzky
Ho ho ho. I don't go ho ho ho. That's a myth.
- [27:07]
Kevin Allison
I hate Christmas.
- [27:08]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Fuck Christmas.
- [27:09]
Kevin Allison
Fuck you.
- [27:10]
Joe Charnitzky
Fuck Christmas.
- [27:11]
Linda Bailey Walsh
We ruined Christmas.
- [27:13]
Joe Charnitzky
Congratulations.
- [27:14]
Sean O'Brien
You Ruined Christmas.
- [27:15]
Linda Bailey Walsh
This is especially the worst Christmas ever. This is the worst Christmas ever. Christmas sucks. I hate it. We're not allowed to say Christmas. Christmas bostards. Does it feel like Christmas? Where the fuck are the fucking presents, man?
- [27:31]
Joe Charnitzky
Fuck Santa Claus.
- [27:39]
Sean O'Brien
So it's December, I'm 22 years old, I'm living at home. I failed college. I have no prospects and really no inhibitions. My mom sees that like her boy's like a bit of a loser and sort of has to step in and she gets me a job in the mailroom at the company that she works for up in Wall street in Manhattan. Now I'm nervous. You know, I've never, certainly never worked in an environment like Wall street before. My resume to that moment was working at a miniature golf course and working at a Portuguese fish market. You know, a far cry from the streets of Wall Street. I had worked at that fish market for six summers and I actually really loved it. It was owned by a Portuguese family, mother, father, cousins, brothers. And I was the only non family member, non Portuguese person to work in that fish market. And they really took me on as their own. So much so that like when they would introduce me and refer to me, they would call me Malacca pingusu, which meant little cousin. And I wore that like a badge of honor. And that weekend before I started my job up on Wall Street, I stopped into that fish market and I told them that I was going to be some big swinging dick on Wall Street. And you know, they were excited for me. And Carlos took me aside and wished me well. And then he just had one quick thing to say. He's just like, by the way, I feel really bad, but malaca pingusu does not mean little cousin. In fact, they had been calling me a gay clown for six years and you know, I never looked it up. I was calling myself gay clown for six years as well, you know, so fuck them. And I was moving on to Wall Street. That Monday came around, you know, and I started, you know, I was very nervous. Like I said, I'd never worked in this environment before. You know, I just wanted to make my mom proud. I was like wearing like an oversized ill fitting suit looking like the last scene of the movie Big, you know, and I'm just trying to like fit in, you know, not make any waves and just like make my mom proud. Like I said, it was in December when I was hired and by the fourth day of work I could already feel the dread and like I didn't want to come to work. I would do anything not to go into work. Because that fourth day was the company Christmas party and I didn't want to go. You know what, I didn't know what I was gonna do. I'd never been in that sort of environment before. I didn't know if I was gonna have to hang out with my mom all night, was anybody gonna talk to me. But my mom said I had to go, so I had to go. So I get off work at 5:00 and the company Christmas party starts at 6:00. In that little hour of time to myself, I go over to a little dive bar in the area and I sit down and I proceed to probably drink a half bottle of Jack Daniels and do an absolute insane amount of cocaine. Now at this point in my life, I am in the pinnacle of a quote unquote secret cocaine addiction. I say secret because I thought it was secret. Years later I had asked like friends and family being like, did you guys have any idea that I was doing cocaine morning, noon and night? And they said, yeah, absolutely, you were sweating profusely for five years straight and tried writing screenplays with everybody you met. Yeah, we absolutely knew that you were on cocaine morning, noon and night. So like I said, I am tuned up, I've just done a full bag of the devil's dandruff and I'm ready to get back to this fucking Christmas party, right? I kick in the door, my mom just saw me a minute ago and she says, you look different. I'm like feel different, about to act totally different. Now, if you've ever done cocaine before, it makes you feel like you are the smartest, funniest and best looking person, you know. And reality was I was like this fat, pimply, disheveled mess in an ill fitting suit. Somehow I was fat as hell and still had an oversized suit on. You know what I mean? Some guys have it all. So I come flying through this Christmas party, my tie is around my head within the first 35 seconds and I am telling inappropriate jokes, I'm running around the room, I'm doing nut taps, you know what I mean? I'm calling other people malaka pingusis. Trying to pass on that nickname to somebody else. I was like, could feel my mom being demoted with each bad joke. And then all of a sudden, like a scene from the movies where the sea parts and the sky opens up and the spotlight falls, falls right on this bartender, the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. And I fall madly in love. And then I Realized that I'm not at this Christmas party to make friends with these new co workers. I'm here to meet the woman of my dreams, right? And quickly, I'm standing there and I'm envisioning our lives together. You know, us having a golden retriever, going for a hike, dancing in the kitchen as we're making dinner together. You know what I mean? And my heart skipped a beat. It may have been because of love, but it's probably because of the cocaine. So I amped out real quick, and I came to and I said, I have to go speak to this woman. I have to go talk to this woman, right? And I go up to the bar she's working, and it's a busy bar. It's an open bar Christmas party, right? She is flying around, right? But I have to talk to her. I have to get to know her. So she's flying up and down the bar. With every pass that she goes, I'm trying to get her attention. She would run by and I'd say, hey, do you believe in love at first sight? She's paying me no mind. Then she'd pass by again, hey, how do you like your eggs in the morning? Nothing. She's treating me like Bill Cosby's 1980 movie. Goes Dead, comes back again. I blow her kiss. Paying me absolutely no mind. Just keeps running back up in the bar. Finally, after many passes, she finally turns and stops. And I'll never forget what she says. She said, get the fuck away from me, you fucking creep. We have quite the playful relationship. So some of these guys and my co workers, you know, they sort of see the situation. They go, fuck your new guy from the mail room. They try and defuse it, and they pull me back from the bar, and they're on both sides of me. But if you're on cocaine, you don't understand that. And I thought it was like that scene from Greece where they're pulling on Travolta's, like Lawrence going, tell me more. Tell me more. And I'm like, boys, I got this. Watch this. And I go back up to the bar, and my blonde bartender, she has a little blonde ponytail, and she's facing away from me. And I'm like, this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna reach over the bar and ring her little ponytail like a little bell, like, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. You know what I mean? Like, guess who? So I was like, that's the plan. And I reach over, and when I grab it I'm thinking that I'm like cute and flirty and sexy Shawn, but really I was more like Lenny from Mice and Men. And I accidentally pulled the ponytail too hard and she slipped and fell and hit the back of her head. Now everybody in the Christmas party just sees what I've done. I've just pulled this woman's hair and now I can see the bouncer is making his way through the crowd. And I can't go that way because there's too many people, you know, and nobody's on my side at this point. And I'm like, oh, God, I gotta get out of here. So I was just like, I got it. What I'm do is I'm a jump up on the bar and tiptoe my way down the bar, like that scene in Pee Wee Herman's Big Adventure, you know, tequila, you know, jump off at the end of the bar, right by the exit and go so long. I'm the new guy for the mailroom and like, make my grand escape, right? So I only have two seconds to think. The bouncer's coming right through the crowd. I was just like, okay. And I put my leg up on the bar and I drastically underestimate how hard it is to get your leg up on a bar. And somehow I don't get it quite up. And I ended up just sweep kicking off all the drinks into my co workers laps. And I go, no, no, no, no, that was my bad leg. That was my bad leg. And I try with my left leg and boom, again, I cannot get my leg up fully onto the bar. And I swipe off all the drinks into my co workers laps and the bouncer's arm grabs me and he rips me out of that party. He takes me outside as my entire office is now watching me as this guy is beating the brakes off of me. And I'm pretty sure I was making direct eye contact with my mom and I'm pretty sure she was cheering on the bouncer. But I don't know because I was probably going in and out of consciousness. But nobody knows my side of that story. Nobody knows that I was being cute and flirty and sexy Sean and ringing the ponytail like a little bell and tiptoeing my way out of this party. All they saw was a maniac, get screamed at by the bartender, get pulled away, say, no, I got this, run back up, pull her hair going like, guess who, bitch? And then karate kick all the drinks off the bar, get dragged out like I'm the new guy. Well, oddly Enough. I worked at that job for eight more years. I rose the ranks myself. My mom actually became the big boss. And when it was finally time for me to go, I thought everybody would be sad to see me go. But that final day, everybody was hugging, rejoicing, crying. They were all so happy. I was none the wiser, that I was like the King Joffrey of the office and that everybody secretly had hated me. And I was like the boss's son, you know, Everybody was like, the king is dead. He's finally leaving. They're all hugging each other, you know, And I thought I was this lovable, likable character. And really the whole time I was just this gay clown.
- [37:29]
Kevin Allison
I'm going shopping shopping Shopping around downtown I'm going shopping I'm going shopping, shopping shopping around downtown.
- [37:46]
Joe Charnitzky
Every time Christmas comes.
- [37:48]
Kevin Allison
Around it's time for shopping Traffic jams.
- [37:52]
Joe Charnitzky
Kids, it's time shopping and I've got.
- [37:57]
Kevin Allison
My Christmas rich Together I'm gonna buy presents for all my love for my.
- [38:04]
Joe Charnitzky
Friends, for my family for everyone that's been so good to me I'm going.
- [38:10]
Kevin Allison
Shopping I'm going shopping shopping shopping downtown Going shopping downtown.
- [38:28]
Joe Charnitzky
I woke up on the morning of December 21st with a renewed determination. My slump ends today. I'm 15 years old. My grades, which had been fine up to that point without me trying particularly hard, started to slip. I was on the high school basketball team, technically, but I spent so much time on the bench, I didn't really bother learning the plays as the calendar year was winding down. I didn't have a date for the annual Christmas dance. These things were starting to accumulate. They were a burden I was carrying. I was starting to feel low every day. Everything felt like a loss. I couldn't get a win. Except when I Woke up on December 21st. Why did I feel differently? I have no idea. Now it was the last day of school before winter break, a time of celebration always for high school students. I went to a small Catholic school in northeastern Pennsylvania. We had to wear uniforms every day, except on days like this. We still had to look good, but we got a little bit of fashion freedom, which was exciting. I had a new cream colored cable knit sweater, dark pair of gray slacks. I looked good. I went downstairs for a delicious bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal, my favorite back then, and let's be honest, still is. I gave my mom a hug and a kiss goodbye and I went off to live the first day of the rest of my life. Now, the half day that exists before winter break, it's not Even really much of anything. There aren't really classes. Most of the day is spent in the big auditorium where various choral groups are singing Christmas carols. There's snacks and drinks and that kind of thing. I'm sitting in our bleachers, gold against the blue steps, having some cookies, thinking about how great winter break's gonna be. And my geometry teacher, Mrs. Rakowskis, approaches me and says, joe, Sister Catherine wants to see you in her office. Now, I know what you've heard about nuns in Catholic schools. Sister Catherine wasn't like that. But she was the vice principal of my school. So I'm being called to the principal's office. Literally. The walk from the bleachers to her office at normal pace should have taken, I don't know, three minutes. But I am dragging my feet because I want to replace play. The past couple weeks of my life, like, did I partake in some sort of hijinks? Did I witness some sort of tomfoolery, like, what happened that is causing me to be brought into this situation? I get to the main room, and the secretary is there, and she says, sister Catherine's not here, but she's going to be here in just one minute. Please go wait in her office. So I wait in her office. I'm still continuing 5 minutes, 10 minutes. No one shows up. I'm just thinking about classes and teachers and what did I see? And then I remember my slump is over. This is probably gonna be good news. Like, I may have won a major award. There could be a cash prize. Like, I'm getting excited now. Well, eventually, Sister Catherine comes in, and with her is Father Paul. Now, Father Paul is the pastor of my family church in the next town over. My family church has no connection to my high school. There's no reason for Father Paul to be here unless something happened with my mom. My mom had this condition in her face. Blood vessels wrapped around a nerve, and when the blood would pump, it would pump on the nerve, causing a shooting pain through her head first thing in the morning. It was the worst. Sometimes, in the middle of a boisterous laugh, I would see her face freeze because unfortunately, her laugh had caused her horrible pain. There was now a surgery to address this issue, but it was delicate and precarious. They had to go from the back of her head past her brain to address the condition. She had the surgery. It was a success. We were told she was now home in recovery. But that recovery was also delicate and precarious. And when you're 15 years old, scary. So when Father Paul walked in. I no longer thought I won a cash prize. Sister Catherine moved over here to my left. Father Paul was at my right. And he said, joe, your mom and your dad are okay, but your house is on fire. And I just kind of say, oh, it is. What? And Sister Catherine immediately says, joe, you've gone pale. You want a glass of water? You want something to eat? What do you want? What do you need? What do you want? I said, I want to go home. Can I go home? And she said, yes. So Father Paul drove me home. The drive from my high school to my house, I don't know, five minutes. It was a gray, drizzly December day. I see the whole view out the passenger side window as if this whole scene was shot in black and white. Until we get to my house, which has a red fire truck in front of it and news crews and neighbors. And it's still standing. But I could see some areas where there's some char. I'm thinking, okay, well, I want to go see. But first, where's my mom? Someone tells me she's at my next door neighbor's house. So I go in there to see her. She has this multicolored silk scarf wrapped around her head, kind of covering where the surgery scar is. There's tufts of black hair popping out the sides. She's a little bit overwhelmed. She was the only one home during the fire, but she's fine. And I check in with her. She's okay. So I go next door into the house, thinking again, maybe it's not so bad. And then I went inside. Let me give you a tour of at that point, the only home I had ever known. You would walk in to the dining room. This is where we were supposed to have Christmas Eve dinner in a few nights. It was black and wet, and the smell of burnt wood still to this day will take me back to standing in that room, seeing the china cabinet all charred and the big brown table we had with the extra leafs in it for when family came over, just sort of wet and ruined and burned. You would turn to your left, and in the front there was kind of a parlor. If we were a fancy family in the 19th century. This is where we would greet guests. But we weren't that. So it was just called Mom's room, where the nice things were kept. Well, that's where we had the decorated Christmas tree and we had the wrapped presents. The fire started in there, so it was 100% absolutely black and destroyed and a void. I walked through the family room, our little TV Room that was completely destroyed as well. Charred. The little couch, the little chair, little closet just dripping and damp and burned. And then into the kitchen, where I had just had that brightly colored bowl of fruity pebble cereal. And now it looked like someone had taken a black marker and just scraped it all over the walls and the floor and the ceiling and the furniture and the sink and the fridge. I went outside and I saw Father Paul was still there. And I asked him if the church was unlocked, and he said that it was. My family church was up the block, two minute walk. It is the church where I was baptized. It was the church where my parents got married. It was the church. Years later, I would give my father's eulogy. I walked in, the lights were out, and the stained glass windows had nothing going for them. Because like I said, it was this dark, gray, drizzly December day. I walked to the altar. This was not going to be a pew conversation. This had to go right to the altar. I knelt down and I didn't shake my fist at God. I didn't scream and demand answers. I cried hard. And I said, you know, I woke up this morning with a commitment. My slump ends today. And you set my house on fire. Like, what's the message? Don't get your hopes up, kid. It's never gonna get any better. Oh, this isn't a slump. This is your life now. I felt low. I went to light a candle in the church. That's what Catholics do. We light a candle to say a wish. It's like the opposite of a birthday cake where you blow the candles out. If you ever go into a church and you see a bunch of candles, understand, that's wishes from people like me who thought they had nowhere else to go. My aunt, my dad's sister, she lived nearby. I went to her house and took a nap. She woke me up, I don't know, an hour later. And she said, joe, you have a couple friends here. School was done now for the day. We went for a walk around my neighborhood. They asked me, how you doing? I was like, oh, you know, okay. There was a fire. I asked them, how was the rest of school? And they tell me that after I left the building, Sister Catherine made an announcement over the loudspeaker about the fire, about what happened. And that every class and every club and every organization and started to take up little donations for my family. That the chapel in our little Catholic school had a line coming out of it for people who wanted just to go in and say a few words. Now I'm 15 years old. This sounds a lot like popularity. So I'm like, this is interesting. Okay, not so bad. I go back to my aunt's house, we have dinner and we turn on the local 6:00 news. The first story is the fire. Emblazoned across the screen are the words the Charnitzky Fund. See, my grade school in my town and the town bank have started this fund. There's a phone number. My grade school principal is on TV talking about what a great family I have and what a great kid I am. And if anyone has a little extra to spare, this family could sure use your help. My aunt's phone rings all night. Somehow people have tracked down this is where we are for the time being being. And we are getting offers from family and friends and strangers. Gifts, food, toiletries, full decorated trees, whatever they think we might need to have some kind of Christmas. Now look, this may be exactly what you think would happen in a small town a few days before Christmas when tragedy strikes. You've seen It's a Wonderful Life, but I had just been crying in a dark church thinking my life was never going to get any better. This to me was a big deal. This was a win. We moved into a trailer on my aunt and uncle's property. My cousin had been living there. He had just moved out. And so that was going to be our new home for a while. About six months after the fire, I am in my bedroom in this trailer. It is about 25% the size of the bedroom in my other house. I'm organizing my little closet, putting some clothes away. I'm thinking about the fun night I had with my friends the night before. Laughing about some silliness we had gotten ourselves into. I sort of recognized in that moment in this little closet, I felt good, I felt happy. I started to think about it. I'd been feeling good, I'd been feeling happy for a little while. And I started to retrace like well when did that start? That was really good. I started to think about like the spring chorus concert I was a part of. I started thinking about the girl I started dating. I started to think about the activities I had gotten involved in in school. And I'm going back and I'm back and I'm back and it leads me to the fire. And I'm like how, how could the fire have made me feel this good? And I sat down on the little bed in this little bedroom in this little trailer. 16 years old now. I thought about how good I had felt with the outpouring of love and care from all of these people and how feeling good made it seem like good things started to happen for me. And when good things started to happen for me, I started to feel good. And the snowball was rolling down the hill. And at 16, I think I got a glimpse into some life truths about self confidence, about self acceptance, about determination and resilience, but really, probably most, most importantly, about effort. Maybe if I worked a little harder at my schoolwork, the grades wouldn't have slipped. Maybe it gets harder as you get older, Joe. Maybe if I learned the plays, I wouldn't be on the bench so often and I would be in the basketball games. You know why I didn't have a date for the Christmas dance? I didn't ask anybody. But these people, they put in effort. They saw or heard that this family needed some help and they did something about it. Now, I'm sure in the decades that have passed, they have long forgotten. They've forgotten the fire, they have forgotten my family, they have forgotten me. I will never forget them and the lesson they gave me at a young age to never overlook an opportunity at kindness or generosity or mercy. You don't know what it might do for me. It made December 21st the last day of my slump.
- [53:40]
Kevin Allison
This is Risk. This is Carl Zittra behind me now from his score for the movie A Christmas Story, the one movie sure to trigger orgasms for our dear friend Dixie de La Tour. We just heard John La Sala's edit of a story from Joe Charnitzky, who you can find Arnitzky on Instagram. And before that, that gorgeous heartwarming song Shopping by Joseph Washington, Jr. And before that, a cautionary tale from Sean O'Brien who would like to endorse that you not run around like Mr. Hyde pulling people's hair this Christmas, unless of course, you negotiate it first. Now, at the very end of the episode. This year we have a special treat. John Nelson, the host of a podcast that celebrates sound collage, an amazing array of audio, art and shenanigans from all around the world and all through the decades. That show is called Some Assembly Required. And this year John sent us a brand new collage of his own. And we're going to put that at the very tail end of the show. That is all for this year's Holiday Stories episode. But listen, on Christmas Eve, like I was saying before, I'm so excited about the episode we'll be releasing. Years ago we featured an all time classic story on one of our Holiday Stories episodes. Called Snow Globe by Kevin Bowl. People loved to hear it. Every year now and then, in the wake of the COVID pandemic, we released a sort of sequel story called Closed for the Duration by Kevin Bowl. Now, in the past year, this beloved member of the Risk community has transitioned and is no longer called Kevin. She's Kate Bol. And it's been so inspirational to experience the love and joy that Kate has brought into this transition. So I thought it would be fascinating for both of us to be in a room together and listen to both of those classic Risk holiday stories and then share our thoughts and feelings about them. Today. There were a lot of happy tears shed between us, and I feel it's a real treat of an episode. So look for that one coming out on Christmas Eve 2024. And with all that said, folks, folks, it's been one heck of a year. I am as grateful as I have ever been for this community, our staff, our storytellers, and you, our listeners. I mean, seriously, we talk all the time about keeping Risk running, but this show keeps me running. I find so much moral support in the stories, the staff, and the messages from you all. Listen. We can weather whatever challenges might come. We can help one another keep our faith, our hope, and our love alive. So happy holidays, everyone, and folks. Today's the day. Take a risk.
- [57:43]
Joe Charnitzky
Christmas is an outrageous. Christmas is a lot. It is a lot.
- [57:49]
Linda Bailey Walsh
It's a lot.
- [57:50]
Joe Charnitzky
Christmas is a holiday whether you still believe in it or not. Do you?
- [57:55]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Do you?
- [57:56]
Joe Charnitzky
Not really.
- [57:56]
Sean O'Brien
What a great Christmas gift.
- [57:58]
Joe Charnitzky
This is a dream come true.
- [57:59]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Sounds dreamy.
- [58:01]
Sean O'Brien
Come on, come on.
- [58:02]
Joe Charnitzky
You didn't have to get me anything. Yeah, right. Here, I got one for you. Wow. Gee.
- [58:07]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Yeah.
- [58:07]
Joe Charnitzky
It's a time of year for Christmas. Christmas. Pity it only comes once a year. Strike while the art is hot and hide and wait for Christmas.
- [58:15]
Linda Bailey Walsh
So good for Santa.
- [58:16]
Kevin Allison
An art sleigh pulled by magical reindeer.
- [58:20]
Linda Bailey Walsh
I mean, real, good magic.
- [58:22]
Joe Charnitzky
For real.
- [58:22]
Linda Bailey Walsh
For real, Real magic. So magic's real?
- [58:26]
Joe Charnitzky
It's actually real. It's for real magic.
- [58:29]
Sean O'Brien
I'm bite.
- [58:30]
Joe Charnitzky
Christmas is a father. Why bother?
- [58:32]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Okay.
- [58:33]
Joe Charnitzky
The crowds, the noise.
- [58:34]
Linda Bailey Walsh
I'm sorry to bother you.
- [58:35]
Joe Charnitzky
It's a celebration also. Oh, yeah, yeah. Fun and games and treats and toys. Of course. Yeah. Yeah.
- [58:40]
Sean O'Brien
I can't wait for goddamn Christmas magic.
- [58:42]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Too bad it only comes once a year. We really love shouting it's Christmas again.
- [58:48]
Sean O'Brien
You know, when it's.
- [58:48]
Joe Charnitzky
When it's finally here.
- [58:50]
Sean O'Brien
Christmas is a gift. What gift?
- [58:52]
Joe Charnitzky
Magic.
- [58:53]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Traditionally.
- [58:53]
Sean O'Brien
That's the plan.
- [58:54]
Joe Charnitzky
Gift.
- [58:54]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Yeah, Gifts, you say Christmas time Is a time to sing of the brotherhood.
- [58:58]
Kevin Allison
Of man and woman and every, every person Christmas.
- [59:02]
Joe Charnitzky
Every person with an X in it or not.
- [59:04]
Linda Bailey Walsh
God bless us everyone.
- [59:08]
Joe Charnitzky
It's the greatest.
- [59:10]
Linda Bailey Walsh
It's the greatest. By a lot. A lot. A lot, a lot.
- [59:13]
Joe Charnitzky
Xmas. Xmas. Xmas. With Chris or without?
- [59:17]
Sean O'Brien
Without.
- [59:17]
Joe Charnitzky
Without. Right.
- [59:18]
Sean O'Brien
Christmas, Christmas, Christmas.
- [59:20]
Linda Bailey Walsh
I don't care what it is really all about.
- [59:22]
Joe Charnitzky
Isn't there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?
- [59:30]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Sure, Charlie Brown. I can tell you what Christmas is all about.
- [59:33]
Sean O'Brien
The old yule lights, Christmas pudding, chocolate y.
- [59:38]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Ice skating, parlor games.
- [59:40]
Joe Charnitzky
Goof and figgy pudding on earth.
- [59:43]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Lights in the trees.
- [59:44]
Joe Charnitzky
Goodwill called men.
- [59:46]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Christmas movie marathons.
- [59:48]
Joe Charnitzky
Candles and peace and love.
- [59:50]
Sean O'Brien
Love and hope. Christmas light and fudge.
- [59:52]
Joe Charnitzky
Dark chocolate. Cody fudge.
- [59:54]
Linda Bailey Walsh
You're making popcorn.
- [59:55]
Joe Charnitzky
Popcorn.
- [59:55]
Sean O'Brien
Really Dark chocolate, Milk chocolate, white chocolate.
- [59:57]
Joe Charnitzky
I'm making popcorn, dark chocolate.
- [59:59]
Sean O'Brien
Pretzels, candy cane, eggnog, even eggnog.
- [60:02]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Play bells, magical reindeer, sleigh rides, ice skating, snowball fights. Peace on earth and goodwill towards men.
- [60:08]
Joe Charnitzky
A sense of war. Christmas cookies. A sense of wonderment, joy, hope, sense of coming together.
- [60:13]
Sean O'Brien
A sense of community, of awe, wonder.
- [60:15]
Joe Charnitzky
Dandy overwhelming feeling of community.
- [60:18]
Sean O'Brien
Sense of family.
- [60:19]
Kevin Allison
Lights, Christmas lights, trees, Christmas lights, music. The sense of peace. A childlike sense of wonder.
- [60:26]
Linda Bailey Walsh
My special Christmas holiday vicar and buttercups. And the Christmas special on your television for the centuries.
- [60:34]
Joe Charnitzky
Apples, nuts, figgy pudding, lights, batteries, light up Christmas necklaces.
- [60:43]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Decorative candle, Christmas decorations.
- [60:46]
Joe Charnitzky
5 John Denver Christmas specials and a Christmas special with Bob Hope.
- [60:50]
Kevin Allison
Peace on earth.
- [60:51]
Joe Charnitzky
Peace on earth.
- [60:52]
Linda Bailey Walsh
Peace on earth.
- [60:53]
Sean O'Brien
Peace on earth.
- [60:53]
Joe Charnitzky
Enjoy.
- [60:54]
Linda Bailey Walsh
And on earth. Peace, chocolate and goodwill toward men. That's what Christmas is all about. Charlie Brown.