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- [00:00]
Ryan Reynolds
When you feel a cold coming, shorten.
- [00:02]
Mara Wilson
It with Zycam, the number one cold shortening brand.
- [00:06]
Kevin Allison
Oh no.
- [00:07]
Ryan Reynolds
Your cold is coming.
- [00:08]
Mara Wilson
Your cold is coming.
- [00:09]
Julie Threlkeld
Thanks, Revere.
- [00:10]
Kevin Allison
I really should keep Zycam in the house.
- [00:13]
Ryan Reynolds
Only if you want to shorten your cold.
- [00:16]
Madison Perry
Take it from America's most revered messenger. Shorten your cold at the first sign.
- [00:21]
Mara Wilson
With cold shortening products from xycam, the.
- [00:23]
Madison Perry
Number one cold shortening brand. Available in stores or see where to buy@xycam.com this episode is brought to you by Google Gemini. With the Gemini app, you can talk live and have a real time conversation with an AI assistant. It's great for all kinds of things, like if you want to practice for an upcoming interview, ask for advice on.
- [00:43]
Julie Threlkeld
Things to do in a new city.
- [00:44]
Madison Perry
Or brainstorm creative ideas. And by the way, this script was actually read by Gemini. Download the Gemini app for iOS and Android today. Must be 18 to use Gemini Live.
- [00:55]
Ryan Reynolds
Hey, I'm Ryan Reynolds.
- [00:57]
Mara Wilson
Recently I asked Mint Mobile's legal team if big wireless companies are allowed to raise prices due to inflation. They said yes. And then when I asked if raising prices technically violates those onerous two year contracts, they said, what the f are you talking about, you insane Hollywood. So to recap, we're cutting the price.
- [01:14]
Julie Threlkeld
Of mint unlimited from $30 a month.
- [01:16]
Mara Wilson
To just $15 a month. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch $45 up.
- [01:21]
Ryan Reynolds
Front for three months plus taxes and fees. Promoting for new customers for limited time Unlimited more than 40 gigabytes per month.
- [01:24]
Kevin Allison
Slows full terms@mintmobile.com hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. This week, an episode that premiered in December of 2015. It's an episode we call holiday stories number three. Kids, this is risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison. This is a track by our very own Jeff Barr behind me now. It's called Little Drummer and it was first on another podcast that Jeff makes called Mangled Meditations. Mangled Meditations is the trippiest, most fucked uppity nest show of, you know, it's sound collage and each episode is like a little journey to other worlds. I remember I became a fan of Mangle Meditations because I thought that it would make for good cannabis influenced listening. So in a way, that led us to our episode editor. And this current state of Risk is brought to you in part by mangled meditations and weed. So go find it at jeffbar.info that's J E F-F B A R R. Now, last year at this time, we had holiday stories 1. Last week we had holiday stories 2. Guess what the fuck we got up in here this week. Friends tonight, or this afternoon or this morning even. I don't know what time you're on the treadmill these days we bring You Holiday Stories 3, the show where all of the stories regard the holidays at least pretty much. We're going to hear from writer Julie Threlkeld in just a moment, but before that, we're going to go to the Risk Live show in New York City where we're going to hear from Mara Wilson. It's funny to have Mara on the show at this time of year because you might remember her from the 1994 version of Miracle on 34th Street. Mara is a dear friend of the show and she has a very popular blog called Mara Wilson Writes Stuff. Here she is at risk New York, with the story we call Reconcilable Differences.
- [05:47]
Ryan Reynolds
So when I was very young, I would wish and pray every single night for a little sister. And when my mom became pregnant, I, not knowing a lot about reproduction, assumed that I had something to do with it. I thought that my little sister was a miracle and that she was going to be my best friend. She had no say in the matter. She was going to be my best friend, which makes me sound like a very calculating five year old. But fortunately, we got along right away. Anna was so cute and so sweet and so funny, and nothing made me happier than playing with her and singing to her and making her laugh until she'd hiccup and go do dis again. But then When I was 8 years old and she had just turned 3, our mother died. She had cancer. And I knew that our relationship was going to be different from then on. So we went through a plethora of nannies and babysitters, but Anna and I were always together. And then When I was 13, my father remarried and I really wasn't at a good age for it anyway. Anna was younger and, you know, more malleable. But one of the biggest changes that happened was my stepmother was Catholic. Now, my mother had been Jewish. My father had been a lapsed Catholic and said, okay, you can raise the kids Jewish, but my new stepmother wanted us to be Catholic. So that and a bunch of other changes just made me feel really Put out. And I ended up going away to a boarding school for the visual and performing arts and then off to nyu, which is basically as far away from Los Angeles as you can get. My only regret was leaving my sister Anna behind. And I would put her pictures and her letters up on my wall and I would marvel at how much she changed every time I came home. But I changed too. She became Catholic and I became an atheist. So it was Christmas Eve, my last year of college. I was home visiting her, and Anna had pulled me into her room like she always did, under the pretext of giving me a makeover because she got the color and style gene and I did not. And so while she's, you know, painting my nails or whatever, she very casually says, so how long have you not believed in God? And I said, oh, well, I died. Where did you get that idea? And she said, oh, I pretty much figured it out on my own. At first I thought, oh shit, she read my diary. But looking back, I kind of was kind of obvious about it. I mean, I would always say, you know, no, I'm Jewish, you can't make me do this, I'm Jewish. It was my way of rebelling, you know, you can't make me do this, I'm Jewish. And I would absolutely refuse to go to church. You know, my parents go to church on Sunday and I'd say sleep in and watch hamster honor cartoons or whatever it was I did. But I never said take me to a temple instead. And also when I found out that my sister was going to a Christian school and her science book was called Exploring God's Creation, I decided to give her some books about science and evolution too. So she kind of put all of these together and realized it. And so I admitted it, I played it down a little bit and I said, I'm agnostic. And you know, there might be something out there, there might be a God, but I don't think it's any of the gods I've ever heard of and I don't see any evidence for it. And she looked very serious and said, what if I could prove it to you? I said, I really don't think you can. And so we got into this theological debate. One thing to remember is that since I grew up Jewish, I have always, always resented people trying to put their religion on me. That's not something that Jews do. You know, Jews like being the elite. So it's something that's always causes just knee jerk revulsion in me. And also my sister and I are both Incredibly stubborn. So she starts talking to me about souls, and she points to the boonch. The boonch is the dog. The dog's actual name is Yoko, which is funny because everybody, my sister especially everybody, loves the bunch. And Yoko has a tendency to bring people together. So, yeah, it's a bit ironic. But she pointed the bunch and she said, you know, I'm glad that I'm not like her. Human beings have souls, animals don't. As much as I love her, I'm glad that I have this gift. And I said, no, we pretty much are the bunch. We just. We're a little more evolved. We have a little more cognitive processes going on, but we pretty much are that. And then she brought up Pascal's wager. Pascal's wager is basically this kind of spiritual insurance, you know, better to believe in God, because that way, you know, you die, you go to heaven, and if there isn't a God, well, you know, no loss for you. And I said, you know, I kind of echoed a joke I'd heard before, and I was like, you know, Anna, that only takes the Judeo Christian God into account. I mean, what if you die and it's Odin up there and he's like, you did not die in battle for me. No Valhalla for you. Anna did not think this was funny. She said, why are you mad at God, Mara? I said, I'm not mad at God. I don't think there's a God to be mad at. She said, well, you think you're so smart just because you go to college. And I got annoyed. I said, you know what? If there's one thing that college has taught me, it's that I'm an idiot. And that there's so much that I don't know out there. But have you read the Bible? The God of the Bible is a tyrant. She said, well, it makes me feel good to know that God loves me. And I could tell she was getting upset, but I had to win. And I said, well, just because you want to believe that doesn't make it true. And she started to cry. And I felt the kind of pain that I always feel when my little sister cries. And like an idiot, I said, why are you crying? And she said, because I know God doesn't want me to be mad at you, and I want you to go to heaven. And I said, look, you're not going to convince me of this, okay? If I do choose to change my beliefs or not choose, really, it wasn't a choice. If I do ever change my Beliefs, it's not going to be because of something somebody said to me. And we ended up going out that night, and we had Christmas Eve at our very Catholic family's house. And there was a sort of simmering resentment between us, you know, for the next few days. She was furious, and I was furious. All through Christmas, we were furious. And she would roll her eyes anytime I would say something, and I was really annoyed with her, too. But underneath my annoyance and my frustration, there was this profound sense of loss, because I realized that Anna couldn't remember the days when I used to sing to her and make her laugh. I felt like she had accepted Jesus into her heart and kicked me out. So the last night, you know, those few days, we just kind of took it easy. And, you know, we played with the boonch. That last night, we curled up with a boonch on the couch and watched the movie the Notebook, which was not my choice, but, you know, Anna was 15 at the time, and, you know, I enjoy Ryan Gosling's torso as much as, you know, any other heterosexual woman. So we watched and. But. And I could tell it was affecting her. And I kept looking over at her because this was my last night with her, and I didn't know who she was going to be the next time I saw her. At one of the sadder points in the movie, you know, she's cuddling up with the dog, and she said, mara. And her voice was very young and very small, much younger than she actually was. And she said, mara, do you think the city would let us bury a dog up in the hills after it died? That was not the kind of question I was expecting. And I said, well, I don't know why. And she started talking about, you know, how much she and the dog loved going on walks up in the hills behind our house and how happy it made her and how much the dog loved it. And that's where she would like to bury her after she died. And the dog's a rescue. She was kind of old when we got her anyway, and she was so sad talking about it. Just the idea of this loss made her sad. And she said, I don't know. I just wish the boonch could live forever, you know, And I wish that I had said something. I wish I had said, I know. I wish that I had comforted her in some way. But I just started to cry. And the thing is, I think that if there were some way that I could take all the pain that my sister ever has felt in her life or ever will feel in her life and experience it myself instead of it happening to her. I would gladly do that. But I'm not a messiah. And the best I can do, really, is to wish and hope that she doesn't have to have any kind of unnecessary pain. But I don't believe wishes come true anymore. So my sister's beliefs have changed a little in the past few years. She told me that she does believe animals have souls, and she's a vegetarian now. And the thing is, though, that she is still a Christian, she's still a Catholic, I am still an atheist. And her beliefs might change and my beliefs might change, but I don't think we will ever stop trying to save each other. Thank you.
- [15:45]
Madison Perry
So a few years ago, it was a few weeks before Christmas, and I woke up with a medical issue that had appeared literally overnight. Tremendous swelling behind my left ear and a lot of pain. So I eventually relented and went to go see a doctor. And he diagnosed me with an infected salivary gland. He gave me antibiotics, and he said, this should clear up in about 10 days. You'll definitely be better by Christmas. Don't worry about it. Just go enjoy your holiday. So 10 days later, not only had it not gotten better, it had gotten a lot worse. I was now in excruciating pain. I look like Ted Kennedy after dental work. So I went back to him and he took one look at me and he said, I think we're going to check you into the hospital right now. So I checked into my local hospital, which is a really tiny hospital, and at the time, they only had one bed available in the entire hospital, and that was in the cancer ward. It's really weird staying in the cancer ward when you don't have cancer, because everyone around you has much, much bigger problems than you have. Plus, everyone thinks you have cancer. So you have to constantly tell everyone, kind of apologetically, oh, by the way, I don't have cancer, so that's kind of awkward. So I had the room to myself for one night, which was great. But then on the second night, I got a roommate. It was 3 o'clock in the morning, and they were rushing her in and putting her on the stretcher. And she was extremely agitated, and she seemed upset in a way that was out of proportion to the situation. She seemed to not really know what was going on. She was 86 years old, extremely hard of hearing, and her name was, and I'm not kidding, her name was Betty Smoke. And I remember thinking, she can't have lung cancer because that would just be really way too cruel a coincidence. And she didn't have lung cancer. She had advanced liver cancer. And she was a very, very difficult roommate. She was not happy to be in the hospital. So there was always this great drama going on over on Betty's side of the room. On the other side of the curtain, she was screaming, she was ripping out IV tubes, she was trying to crawl out of bed and falling. So basically I was not getting any rest. And at the time, I was on really powerful painkillers, so I didn't mind what was going on around me. But after a couple days, I started to get better and they started to. To take me off the Percocet. And then it really began to bug me that Betty was just totally out of control. So I took to escaping the room, and I would just go wander up and down the hall of the cancer ward, dragging my IV behind me just to get a break a couple times a day. By the third day, the swelling had started to go down. I was on one of my little tours of the hallway, and I was thinking, you know, I was feeling pretty good about things. I was thinking, okay, I'll get out of here by Christmas. And it looks like I'm going to be fine. And just as I was thinking that, a doctor came up to me with a thick binder and he said, excuse me, are you Julie thrillkilled? Because I need to talk to you. Let's go to your room. And on the way, he started asking me. It was things like, where'd you grow up? Oh, in California. Did you grow up on a farm? What about work? Have you ever worked around industrial solvents or, like, in a carpet cutting factory? What about hobbies? Do you do any cave diving? And I just said, no, no, none of these things apply to me. What are you talking about? He said, well, the reason I'm asking you these questions is because you know how you first came in and we did a CAT scan to make sure you didn't have an abscess in your head. We caught the top of your chest on the CAT scan, and we couldn't help but notice that the lymph nodes in your chest are nine times the size that they should be. I just said, I'm sorry, what? Nine times? I mean, first of all, he was so exact, but I just thought, nine times, that's just way too big. And he was fairly reassuring. He said, look, everything else is coming up normal, but the problem is we can't really diagnose this problem while you have this other problem. Going on. So let's work on clearing this up. Go off, come back in a month, we'll do another CAT scan, we'll do some blood work, and we'll go from there. In the meantime, try to enjoy your holiday. So he leaves, and right on his heels, another doctor comes in, and he turns out to be Betty's oncologist. And he says, betty, I just wanted to stop by and see if you had any questions about what's going on. And Betty said, I want to get better. His response was, well, I'm afraid that's not going to happen. Your cancer is too far gone, and the best we can do at this point is make you comfortable. She actually seemed to accept this. It was strange. She said, well, I guess whatever has to be, has to be. But then she seemed overcome by this wave of optimism, and she said, but, you know, anything can happen. And he said, that's right, Mrs. Smoke. Anything can happen. Well, okay, kiddo, I'll be seeing you around. In the meantime, enjoy your holiday. As much as she annoyed me, I did feel for her because she was dying, she was frightened, and she seemed very much alone. At this point, I needed some air because it was really an upsetting exchange to listen to. So I left the room and went on another one of my walks. And I remember thinking, I don't know if this happens to you, but when someone delivers a piece of really bad news, my reaction is to have a totally irrational thought. And my thought was, you know, I came in here a few days ago and there was something wrong with me, but I don't think it was something seriously wrong. And now I might have cancer. Could I have actually caught cancer in this place? So I was thinking about that, and at that moment, the doors to the ward burst open and these three strapping firemen walk in, and they're sort of half dressed as Santas, and they're really, really jovial and cheerful, like they're so happy that I was thinking to myself, I don't think these guys know they're on the cancer ward. And one of them turns to me and he says, hey, how are you today, young lady? And he hands me one of those little tiny candy canes, the kind that are wrapped up in cellophane. And it was broken in about four places. There's just this crappy candy cane. And he presses it in my hand, and he doesn't even wait for an answer. And I'm not doing well. I've just been given some really bad news, and I'm trying to process it. And I'm standing there trying to come up with a socially acceptable answer. But before I can, he just says, oh, enjoy your holiday, and walks. When I left, Betty was still there. I was only in the hospital for about four or five days. My boyfriend and I went to visit my family in California. And I didn't want to tell them. I didn't want to worry them. So I spent the entire time. I mean, how could you not? I spent the entire time thinking, I wonder if I have cancer. That was my Christmas is just thinking constantly, I wonder if I have cancer. It's always upsetting to be ill and to go to the hospital, but it feels particularly unnatural around Christmas. The two worlds, this festive holiday world with the unpleasantness of real life just don't feel like they should intertwine. I don't know. I have a lot of empathy for people who are in the hospital now after that experience, but especially over the holidays. My sister knew something was wrong. She told me afterwards. You know, I knew something was up about that whole experience, and you were obviously distracted. So she knew something was up, but I didn't let on. I was apparently doing a valiant job of trying to enjoy my holiday.
- [23:59]
Mara Wilson
We'll be right back.
- [24:02]
Madison Perry
We have one more act for you this evening.
- [24:05]
Kevin Allison
I don't even need to say his name.
- [24:07]
Mara Wilson
Mr. Bob Dylan, a complete unknown, is.
- [24:09]
Julie Threlkeld
Now a Golden Globe in critics choice nominee for best picture.
- [24:12]
Mara Wilson
Bobby, what do you want to be?
- [24:14]
Julie Threlkeld
Whatever it is they don't want me to be. Timothy Chalamet astonishes as Bob Dylan in.
- [24:19]
Mara Wilson
One of the best performances of the year. And critics rave Edward Norton is absolutely fantastic.
- [24:26]
Madison Perry
7 70,000 people are here and Bobby.
- [24:28]
Julie Threlkeld
Is the reason for it. They just want me singing blowing in the wind for the rest of my life.
- [24:36]
Madison Perry
Don't miss the movie. Critics are healing.
- [24:38]
Julie Threlkeld
Five stars.
- [24:41]
Ryan Reynolds
It's pure cinematic magic. Turn it down.
- [24:43]
Mara Wilson
Pay live.
- [24:46]
Kevin Allison
And name to AFI and.
- [24:48]
Mara Wilson
The National Board of Reviews Top ten films of the year make some noise B Day Track some mud on a carpet.
- [24:56]
Madison Perry
A complete unknown now playing only in theaters.
- [24:58]
Julie Threlkeld
Rated R. Under 1790 minute without parent.
- [25:01]
Ryan Reynolds
This episode is brought to you by AWS. Amazon Q Business is the new generative AI assistant from AWS. Many tasks can make business slow, like wading through mud.
- [25:12]
Madison Perry
Help.
- [25:12]
Ryan Reynolds
Luckily, there's a faster, easier, less messy choice. Amazon Q can securely understand your business data to help you streamline tasks like summarizing quarterly results or doing complex analyses in no time. Q Got this. Learn what Amazon Q Business can do for you@aws.com learn more this episode is.
- [25:32]
Julie Threlkeld
Brought to you by Allstate. Some people just know they could save.
- [25:35]
Kevin Allison
Hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First.
- [25:38]
Madison Perry
Like you know to check the date.
- [25:40]
Kevin Allison
Of the big game first before you.
- [25:42]
Madison Perry
Accidentally buy tickets on your 20th wedding.
- [25:45]
Kevin Allison
Anniversary and have to spend the next 20 years of your marriage making up for it.
- [25:49]
Julie Threlkeld
Yeah, checking first is smart, so check.
- [25:52]
Kevin Allison
Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds.
- [25:54]
Madison Perry
You're in good hands with Allstate Savings.
- [25:57]
Kevin Allison
Vary terms apply.
- [25:57]
Madison Perry
Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and.
- [25:59]
Kevin Allison
Affiliates, Northbrook, IL looking for a pickup.
- [26:03]
Mara Wilson
Truck to get just about anything done?
- [26:04]
Madison Perry
Look no further.
- [26:06]
Julie Threlkeld
The Chevy Silverado EV isn't just the most powerful Silverado ever with next level.
- [26:10]
Mara Wilson
Towing capabilities and technology.
- [26:12]
Kevin Allison
It also offers game changing versatility with.
- [26:15]
Mara Wilson
The available multiflex midgate and tailgate.
- [26:17]
Kevin Allison
Which means Silverado EV helps you carry large, bulky and oddly shaped items up.
- [26:21]
Mara Wilson
To nearly 11ft in length.
- [26:23]
Kevin Allison
Chevrolet together. Let's drive.
- [26:26]
Julie Threlkeld
Visit Chevrolet.com to learn more.
- [26:30]
Ryan Reynolds
We're.
- [26:39]
Mara Wilson
Frosted window paints, candles gleaming inside.
- [26:48]
Ryan Reynolds
Painted candy canes on the tree.
- [26:56]
Mara Wilson
Santa's on his way he's filled his sleigh with thanks thanks for you and for.
- [27:10]
Madison Perry
Me it's that time of year when the world falls in love Every song.
- [27:22]
Mara Wilson
You hear seems to say Mary, Merry Christmas, May your new year dreams come.
- [27:36]
Madison Perry
True.
- [27:43]
Mara Wilson
And this song of mine in.
- [27:48]
Madison Perry
Three quarter time Wishes you and yours.
- [27:55]
Mara Wilson
The same thing too.
- [28:05]
Kevin Allison
That is Nelly Makai behind me. That's McKay. You can always find the table of contents and the links to the websites of the artists that you hear on Risk on our listen pages@risk-show.com and we just heard from Julie Threlkeld who has a blog called Modern Stories. The last story we're gonna run with today is actually one that we first featured last year at this time. A dear friend of the show, Madison Perry out in Los Angeles, he actually produced the Los Angeles Grist show for the first maybe year, year and a half. And his story is named after one of my favorite movies because you know, I love when the sacred meets the profane. This is Madison Perry with a story we call the Exorcist.
- [28:58]
Mara Wilson
The same thing too.
- [29:12]
Julie Threlkeld
After I graduated college, I moved home to my hometown in Fort Collins, Colorado and I lived there for a couple years in a house with three of my best friends. Our rent combined at this house was less than I pay for a one bedroom apartment here in LA. Now we paid $250 each for a four bedroom house, garage and a backyard and a front Yard and a dishwasher, which I still don't have. All three of my roommates were soccer players, so they wore Umbros all the time. So it became known as Casa de Umbro. And it was like the party house. Amongst my friends, we'd have parties all the time. More than once we came home, and despite no one that lived there being there, there was a party going on. Like, our friends would break in. They knew the window they could get open, and they would just start a party, and we'd show up and they'd, we're having a party, all right?
- [30:01]
Mara Wilson
So.
- [30:02]
Julie Threlkeld
But our best parties were the holiday parties. We would have holiday parties every year. And it was a big deal because one of my roommates, Kyle Tyler, he loves Christmas more than anyone I've ever met. Basically, in early November, he starts listening to Christmas carols and pretty much nothing else for the next eight weeks. He starts washing Christmas vacation National Lampoons about once a week. And he has this little Advent calendar that his grandma gave him that's actually made of wood. And you pull out these little drawers, and he would himself put candies in them. And then every day in the month leading up to Christmas, open them up and be, oh, wow, nerd. You put those in there, like, a week ago. Sometimes we would just steal the candy. And he'd get really pissed in the morning, like, where's the chocolate kiss? And the other thing he would do is he would turn his car. And he still does this at age 30. He turns his car into a Christmas mobile, and he hangs a wreath on the front, and he hangs mistletoe from the rear view mirror. And he has a power converter so that he can plug Christmas lights in, which he runs all along the interior of his car, which looks really cool and is also really illegal, it turns out, because he gets pulled over almost every year by a cop and gets a ticket. And one year he actually sees, like, are you Jewish? Is that why you're pulling me over? And the cop laughed because he's a cop in Colorado, so of course he's not Jewish. Like, Colorado Jews are like shooting stars. You don't see them very often. And when you do, you make a wish. So that was, like, one of the years he didn't get a ticket when he made that joke. So this guy, he loves Christmas, okay? So he would always kind of be the force that would drive our holiday parties. But the last year I lived in this house, he had been depressed all fall because he'd gotten his heart broken that summer. He'd started dating this girl and they'd had this, like, brief but extremely intense and passionate love affair. It was the first time he'd fallen in love in his life. He was just head over heels. And then after a couple months, she left him and went back to her ex boyfriend. And it was like, very ugly. And it ended with him in our front yard bawling, saying, it's either him or me. Which is like, that should only happen on the cw. It's horrible to see. So he was depressed all fall. He would just. He's normally like, very happy, fun guy. We would just sit in his room with the lights off and he would listen to this album called Novocaine for the Soul. Yeah, Great album by the Eels. Every day, all day, gets a little depressing for his roommates. He would wear sweatpants and no shirt often. And he almost ate exclusively hot dogs during this period. And one day he came into the room and there was like a yellow stain on his skin. And I was like, what's that? He said, that's mustard. Mustard had dripped onto his bare skin and he'd been too depressed to clean it off before it. Like, on the scale of how depressed you are, that should be above suicide attempts if you let mustard dry on your bare skin. So that's the kind of depression we're talking about. So November comes around. No Christmas music. December comes around. No Christmas mobile, no Christmas music. He's not talking about the holiday party. So me and my roommates are like, we need to throw the holiday party. Like, he loves the holidays. We're gonna snap him out of this. The reason he'd kind of been stuck and been depressed so long is this girl. Her name was Jackie.
- [33:26]
Ryan Reynolds
She was.
- [33:27]
Julie Threlkeld
Oh, she was such a bitch. Because she would do the thing where she'd kind of keep him on the line, you know, he was like, her, her plan B. So she'd come over every so and be like, I miss you. I'm not that happy with my boyfriend. I miss you. You know, she had that, like, sense of whenever he was kind of starting to come out of it, he'd get a call from her and then he'd be in a funk again. So he was just depressed. And we're like, we're gonna snap him out of it with this holiday party. So we invited a bunch of people and we bought some beer, and that was pretty much it. But when you're in your early 20s, buying beer before the day of the party, you're a pretty good party planner. You put some Thought into it. So we threw this party and it was going great. A bunch of people came and he. It kind of worked. Like, he put on his festive Christmas sweater. He was DJing the Christmas music. He was having a good time. We were all having a good time. And then Jackie showed up at the party, this ex girlfriend, she showed up uninvited. And he's still in love with her, so he doesn't want us to kick her out. So we're just like, ugh. So the party goes on. I go to find Kyler at a certain point because I want to show him something. I've combined Sprite and beer. I called it Sprite beer. And I was like, he's gonna love this. So I'm walking around with my Sprite beer looking for him, can't find him. They're in his bedroom, he and Jackie, they're sitting on the bed. They're very clearly talking about something serious. And he's been crying. I can tell he's been crying. And before I can say anything, they shut the door and lock it. And I'm just like, oh. Cause he was doing good. And she was like, I don't want you to stop loving me. So she had to pick that scab, you know, kind of break his heart again. So I go down to my friends and I tell them what I've seen. And we're like, we have to end this somehow. We have to take control of this situation. For his Christmas present, we're gonna get her away from him somehow. But this is more than just regular boyfriend girlfriend stuff. This was supernatural, her power over him. And so we were like, we have to free him from the clutches of this demon. And how do you do that? You have an exorcism. And we didn't have holy water, but we had a 72 ounce Big Gulp cup and tap water. And so our well thought out plan was, step one, fill up this novelty Star wars cup to the top. Step two, throw it on her. Step three, Kyler's happy and Christmas is saved. This was the plan we came up with, which sounds stupid now, but if you'd been there and you'd also had eight Sprite beers, you would have thought it was pretty good too. So we fill up the cup, there's a group of us, and we have a small blessing ceremony. We go upstairs to his bedroom, and the door still locks. So I knock, and he's like, go away. And I'm like, let me in. And so we're going back and forth, and I finally Got him to open the door by saying, I need to borrow your Home Alone soundtrack, to quote. Really take the holiday spirit up a notch. And so he was like, okay, I have to do that. And so he comes to the door and as soon as, like, my friends are waiting behind me, as soon as the door opens, I'm like, go, go, go. And they burst in, like the SWAT team, you know. And we all rush in and my friend Ian, he just point blank, right into Jackie, douses her with 72 ounces of water. And as he throws it, he says, back to Whence ye came, demon? So there's just like a moment of calm after that as everyone's like, what the fuck just happened? And she doesn't start smoking or melting or turning into a dragon, but she does that thing like little kids do when they skin a knee, but they need a beat to, like, prepare to scream. So she's doing that. So there's this beat of like, what's gonna happen? And then the room just erupts into chaos. She starts screaming at the top of her lungs. Kyler starts bawling again. And he's like, you got water on my computer. And I'm like, I'm sorry. And I take my shirt off and I start drying up the water. And meanwhile, Jackie's face to face with Ian, the guy through the water and says, why did you do this? Why would you do that to me?
- [37:29]
Mara Wilson
You threw it.
- [37:30]
Julie Threlkeld
I'm always. And she's just yelling and yelling. He just stands there like this the whole time. And all he'll say is, the Lord's work has been done. This house is clean. And that's. He just keeps saying this over and over again. And the more he says it and the calmer he is, the more worked up she gets. And her just face is red. And finally she's. People are like streaming into the room now, like, what's going on? Why does he keep saying this house is clear and that he's done the Lord's work? What's happening? She runs out and she's. She's covered. And she has to borrow a jacket from someone because it's the winter. And Kyler goes after her crying and be like, don't leave. And then everyone's like looking at us like we're jerks because we threw water on, like we're the assholes because we tried to exorcise a demon, you know? So Kyler goes, he comes, she leaves, he comes back. He locks himself in his room again. He's pissed off at Us, everyone thinks we're jerks. Next morning, under the light of sober, we kind of think we might be jerks also. We're like, maybe it was a little silly to think throwing water on someone would cure heartburn. Maybe. Except for the fact that you can't argue with results. Because it fucking worked. It fucking worked. He stopped. He stopped talking to her that day. He did not get in touch with her anymore. And he said it was because he realized if we were willing to do something so dumb for him, we must have been really worried about him. And he said, like, the next morning he thought about it. He's like, man, these guys, these friends really love me. Like, she doesn't love me. And like, he really appreciated it. And so he's like, that's how I was able to get over the heartbreak. And so that felt great. Although my theory is that she actually is a demon and that's why it worked. But either way, that's how I cured my friend of his heartache in the holidays. Thanks. Should old acquaintance be forgotten Never brought to mind should old acquaintance be forgot and days old Langs are for all langs on, my dear for all langs I We'll drink a cup of kindness.
- [40:31]
Kevin Allison
Yet four Lane's eye well, that is almost it for this episode. We've decided to include a little bonus treat at the very end. End of it all, a story from the legendary New York radio storyteller Gene Shepherd. A lot of his radio stories were turned into the film A Christmas Story. So a little something from Gene from 1965 after our end credits here. This is Andrew Bird behind me now. I hope that 2014 is just loaded with stories happening to you, stories you're sharing and hearing, and of course, stories being shared with you right here at Risk. Do not forget we love all the ways that our fans connect with us. When you guys are emailing us about what the show means to you, or emailing us with ideas for how to move forward, or tweeting about us or talking about us on Facebook riskshow. Or contacting us about doing workshops for your business or your creative team or just yourself for a one on one coaching session over Skype, or contacting us about how you might help us bring risk to your town or your school, especially if you happen to have a comedy festival or any sort of cultural festival like that. Or sending us your story pitches at the submissions page@risk-show.com Folks, this year's the year Take a risk.
- [42:09]
Julie Threlkeld
And there's a hand. My trusty fear and Gives a hand to thine and we'll take a racket where they walk four lanes on for all la my dear for all kindness yet four times for all things out my dear for all la.
- [43:51]
Mara Wilson
And so I'm a kid. One time I was about, oh, I. Maybe 11, and it was during Christmas vacation and it's a Midwestern winter. The snow is four feet deep and the wind is howling through the eaves outside and the icicles are hanging down all the way to the ground. And it's that period of letdown after Christmas. You know, a kid is. Oh, man, you know, Christmas has come and gone now. It's just. He's got a full week before school starts again. It's going to be New Year's and he's already tired of the BB gun. He's had it already with the. With the fire truck. He's. He's played Monopoly enough. Now it's coming out of his ears and he's fooling around itching. Now. We had this. You probably get these things too, where they come around. The local merchants, the local stores throw away these throwaways of the ads of big sales, food ads, food sales, you know, big post Christmas sales, big New Year's Day turkey sales and all that stuff. When I go struggling out to the porch to get the mail in the middle of this howling gale and I come struggling back and with me is this flyer. And it's for a store that was about two and a half miles away from our house in the next town, as a matter of fact. And I'm looking through this and they had an ad in there, a bushel of apples for 45 cents. So I'm thinking about this, and my kid brother is under the day. Bet he's weak, you know, he's yelling and hollering, whimpering. And I drag him out and I put on my earmuffs and I tell him to get on his helmet with the goggles and I put on my high tops and we go out into the snow and next door at the Bruner's house. And I get Bruner out and Bruner and myself, my kid brother, and at about 15 minutes, Flick are all standing in the driveway up to our eyebrows in frozen, rotten, cruddy, dirty blast furnace Snow. The temperature is 7 below zero. And I say, let's surprise our mothers. Let's go and get a bushel of apples for 45 cents. Well, I had a dollar that had been given to me by my Uncle Tom for a Christmas gift. And so I figured I would. What a fantastic surprise to bring home a bushel of apples. Now, don't ask me why. I know it's a silly question, silly thing to do. Don't ask me why. And so my kid brother at the Flick says, well, how we get there? And the Bruno says, how do you expect to get over there? And I said, we'll take our sleds. Well, we started. We were fighting against a raging gale. It was about 1 o'clock in the afternoon. Well, after 2 and 12 hours we had gone maybe 1 half a mile. Just far enough not to turn back and just far enough to know we might never make it. The wind howled and it howled and my kid brother was hanging onto the back of my sheepskin coat. Bruner was limping badly. Flick's nose was running all the way down to his knees. And I said, forward. The madness was on me. Well, we fought the howling winter gale for, I would say a good five hours. Have you ever had frostbitten ears? Well, I have had frostbitten ears. I got them that afternoon. My kid brother had a frostbitten head. I'm telling you. Before we got there, Bruner was frozen solid. We had him lashed to the sled and Flick, believe me, was a sled himself. We were just pulling him along. He had runners sticking out of his ears. And we finally arrived at the IGA store. I'll never forget this. We were unable to walk. We were just walking like, like stiff with, with ice all over our ears. We came out of this howling gale and there was the IGA store at long last. And I took one look at the IGA store and I says, here we are. It was closed. Closed. It must have been a half an hour after the IGA store had closed. I couldn't believe it, you see, because this was my whole bit. This was my stick. This was a hang up that I had. I was the driving force behind that. At a certain point in misery, you don't complain anymore. Are you aware of that? You reach a point beyond which complaining is gone. You just sit there and you freeze or you burn or whatever it is you're doing and you no longer whimper. You don't say anything about it. And my kid brother was just standing there like a fire plug. He wasn't crying or anything. Flicks NOSE it was no longer running. It was frozen. They had two long icicles hanging down. And Bruner was just standing there numbly in a snow drift. I could see his eyes sticking out of the snow. And we stood there in front of the IGA store and you think I gave up? Oh, boy. I said, let's go on to the A and P. Well, you know, they weren't running 45 cent a bushel sales at the A and P. So the A and P was another four blocks down. So we struggled onto the A and P and the wind is howling. It's getting dark. Well, we got to the A and P and it's still open. They stayed open a half an hour longer than the IGA store. And into the A and P we got just tremendous heat hit us instantly. And that's when they all started to cry. All three of them started to yell and holler. And I go back to the vegetable department and I said, do you have apples for sale? I said, apples? What do you mean apples? Yeah, there's apples. You know, apples. Three for a dime and big. They had them all. I said, I want a bushel of apples. A bushel of apples? What do you mean a bushel of apples? And I took out my ad and I showed it to him. 45 cents for a bushel of apples. Well, the manager of this store, I will, I will never forget this because obviously he saw there were four kids with a fantastic hang up and he says, well, that's the IGA store. I said, I know, but they're closed. He says, a bushel of apples for 45. Well, I know what they're talking. He says, they're talking about those little horse apples. Those little. I could see them muttering. And he goes down to the basement with two kids and they came back up with a bushel of apples. And they gave me a bushel of apples for 45 cents. Now I will never forget every time I walk into the A and P now I get a vaguely warm glow. And they gave me a bushel of apples for 45 cents. And all four of us are holding this. Have you ever carried a bushel of apples when you're 10, you know, and you're frozen and the four of us have got this bushel of apples. And I gave them the dollar and the guy gave me back the change. He said, do you want us to deliver him? I said, no, we're going to take him home. He says, in the snow like this? Where do you live? And I told him, he says, I. You. You're going to. Are you driving? Well, we got our sleds and it's getting dark. It's about 6 o'clock out there now. You know, it would be like 2:00 in the morning by the time we got back with these. With these crummy apples. And the manager of the apple department, the A and P, says, well, maybe you better call home. It's for a surprise. He says, it's for a surprise for who? So gonna surprise our ma, see, I don't know what to say. Well, Mr. So and so has decided that you better go home in the truck and we'll take you home. You say you're going home to Hessman. I said, cleveland Street. But what about our sleds, huh? Okay, well, let's pick up the sleds. Well, all four of us got in the back of this truck with our three sleds and a bushel of apples. And they turned around and they drove all the way on back. The guy couldn't believe it. We had gone about three, maybe three miles, close to three miles in probably the most gigantic snowstorm that had hit this town in years. And so about a block away, I'm knocking on the door, see? I'm knocking on the back window. And he's in the cab. We're sitting in the back. I'm banging on the window. And he stops. He says, is this where you live? And I says, yeah, we're a block away from home, see? And so he says, okay, kids. He says, boy, man. He says, gee whiz. Wow, what a night. I don't know how you came this far, far. And so out we go out the back, and I put the bushel of apples on the sled, and I started to tug and flick, pushed. And Bruner hung onto the back of my coat, and my kid brother is whimpering in the snow drips. And we went up to the back porch of the house through a block of blinding blizzard, and my mother came out. I says, ma, I got a surprise for you. And she says, what have you Apples? A bushel of apples. How wonderful. Oh, for heaven's sakes, where did you get them? A bushel of apples? I said, we got them at the IGA store, Ma. She says, a bushel. And then I showed her the ad. I said, see? Look. Bushel apps. We thought we'd surprise you. And now comes the denouement. We had 43,500 apples all frozen as hard. Have you ever tasted an apple that was frozen and then thawed out? The instant those apples thawed out, they all turned into one gigantic pile of brown mush. But you know, for years after that, it was like a big thing thing in the family. It was like the time that I really went out and did it and everyone said, well, do you remember the time that Gene went down and got the bushel of apples? Gee whiz, that was really something. Wasn't that great how they did that? We'd say, yeah. And that to me will always remind me of the great hang up. I realized that many adults carry a thing like that all their lives. Some fantastic drive that just never lets them stop.
- [54:52]
Ryan Reynolds
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Kevin Allison
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Ryan Reynolds
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Kevin Allison
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Ryan Reynolds
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