Kristen Bell (23:49)
Good evening and to the people at home, good evening to you. This is cool because you're here, but they're also there. I've never done this before. Feel like I'm talking to you, but more importantly I'm talking to the person who's listening to this now on their ipod. One of those really old ones with the scrolly wheel thing. I can't believe you still have one of those. And I'm from Africa. I grew up in a single parent household. This was not because my father was unavailable or didn't want to live with us. He couldn't live with us because we grew up in South Africa during apartheid or I grew up during that time. My parents were already grown up when they were parents because this is generally what parents do. Not always, but most of the time. And so because of this, we couldn't live together. But I feel like even if we could live lived together, we wouldn't have my. My mother never wanted a man to own her child. It was a very strange deal she had with my father. She said to him, I want a child. And he said, I don't want to be a dad. She said, no, I didn't say I want you to be a father. I said, I want a child. And so he agreed to make her pregnant, which I think was a good time. And just because I know what this consists of. And so I was born to my mother and she named me Trevor Cliff Noah. The only reason I got the second name Cliff was because she wanted me to have the second initial C. Because she wanted my initials to stand for Tender Care, which is just a horrible reason to give somebody the name Cliff. You can just say that my name is Tender Care and we will know in the family. But she chose to destroy me with that name. And, and my mom and I lived together. This, this was our thing. We were like a team, you know, a fantastic team that went through life together, living in crazy places. We moved a lot. In the beginning, I was her little fat child. She treated me very well. Every Tuesday we would go and have pizza. This was like a special treat. She would buy me a pizza and then she would watch me eat it. She wasn't allowed to join me because this was my pizza. And she would do anything for me because I was her only child. And I always reminded her of this even as a little child. I would look at her and I'll say, I could die, you know. And then she would let me eat my food alone, which was really cool. And as Holish when you see, think in hindsight. But at the time as a child, I felt like this was appropriate. And so we lived together and we grew up in the strangest areas because my mom lived a very independent life. She didn't rely on her family. We lived together in a place called Eden park, which was a horrible area on the very far outskirts of the outskirts of the city. And so we used to walk to the main road and then hitchhike into town. That was the only way we could get in. We had no car at the time, so we would live there. And then every morning at 6am we would walk for about an hour and then we would hitchhike from 7am and then that's how we'd get around. Sometimes my mom would tell me to hide and then wait for the car to stop for Her. And then I would run out. Because people were more likely to stop for a woman and not a woman and a fat child. So we used to do this all the time. And then one day we got a car, which was great. We got a car. So we lived in this. We had a little Beetle that we had together. And life was really good. Until one day my mom fell in love with another man. A very charming man. He didn't have front teeth, but his charm circumvented this fact. He actually had a great smile, even though he didn't have those teeth. And he was a very charming guy. Sweet guy. And he was cool, and he was hip. He was the friendliest guy ever. And he was a mechanic. He used to fix our car. And he was just, like, the coolest guy ever. And one thing related to another. One day we were having dinner with him. Next day we were just hanging out as friends. And I got to know him, and he was my buddy, and he was cool. And then one day, he slept over at the house, which I didn't understand. I was a kid. I was just like, yeah, he slept over. I didn't think that he was doing things with my mom. Which is just horrible even now to think of. And so he stayed. And then one day, my mom said to me at a prayer group meeting. That we always used to go to every Tuesday. She said, trevor, I'm thinking of marrying this man. And I went, who? Jesus? Because that's who we'd been talking about. It's very important to build up something before you tell. And she said, no, no, I'm thinking of marrying Abe. And I was like, what? Why would you marry him? He's just a cool guy that sleeps over. This makes no sense. Plus, I've already got a dad. She said, no, no, not to be your dad, to be my husband. I said, that makes no sense. You get husbands so that they can be dads. And she didn't agree. And so they got married. And I never liked him. I never liked him. I didn't. And I don't think he liked me. I never called him Dad. I refused. I called him by his first name, which was Abel. And I made sure I enunciated it. When I saw him, I said, hello, Abel. And he would say, hello, Trevor. And we would eye each other almost like a young lion cub eyes the old one. Like, one day, when I'm strong enough, I will kill you. I always dreamt of that day. And we lived together for a while. Things were good. And then one Day I'll never forget forget this. We were at home and Abel, who was very charming in the beginning, started to become increasingly drunk. As the relationship grew, became more and more drunk. And then one day he got to the house. It was at 1am or somewhere there. This was a tiny little house we lived in together on the outskirts of the outskirts. And he came back, he was very drunk, and he decided to cook himself some food. During the course, course of this meal, he fell asleep, which I don't think was in the recipe. And the food burnt on the stove. My mom woke up because she smelt that. That smell, you know, the smell, you know, when something is burning. And she thought the house was burning down. She ran into the kitchen and she found the food. And then she started to shout at him. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, this is the problem with you. This is the thing you do, the thing. You get drunk. You're always drunk now, why are you always drunk? Why are you always drunk? And he was drunk, like I'm drunk. And she said, why are you always drunk? Why do you do this? What's wrong with you? And I thought, well, why can't we just sleep? Let's just sleep. Let's just sleep. And then I'll never forget, I was sleepily watching this fight. And out of nowhere, literally out of nowhere, my mom was shouting, saying, how could you do this? Why are you doing this? Drunk. You're drunk. Why do you always do this? You're doing this. And then he slapped her. And you know, the weird thing about seeing your parent get hit is you just don't see it coming. Because parents are not. Are not meant to receive beatings. This is their job, to administer beatings. I was the recipient of many a beating in my time. This was very normal. I know in America, children aren't supposed to be beaten, which I think is a waste of children. But in Africa, this was and still is very normal. You hit your child. This is most of the fun of having children. And so I was beaten. I think kids are made for it. We are meant to be beaten. We understand beatings. But I'll never forget my mom got hit by this man and she fell to the ground. And I'd never seen my mom in this position before. And she was there and she looked at him and this was the first time this had ever happened. And she looked at him and she said, what are you doing? And he said, something drunk, drunk. Something drunk. Shut up, woman. Drunk, drunk. And she got up and she said, what are you doing? How dare you? How can you do that? What are you doing? And he said, shut up. And she said, I won't shut up. I won't shut up. And she says, shut up, and I won't shut up. And then he hits her again. And then she just carried on talking from the floor. And in my head I was going, what are you doing? What are you doing? Don't you know how this works? Because I was an expert at receiving beatings, I knew the technique was to question initially and then cry and then be silent. This generally limited the duration of the beating you would receive. But she just carried on. She just carried on. And we made our way out and we ran. And I'll never forget that day. We ran to the police station and we got there and my mom said, I would like to lay a charge against this man who has hit me. And the policeman said, well, did you do something? And my mom said, what do you mean? Well, did you do something to make him hit you? And my mom said, no, no, I. I didn't. And we stood there. I remember. I remember standing there going, what. What did she do? She did. Can you do something to make someone hit you? I. I didn't know because this was the police, and the police know everything, you know. So I stood there and I didn't know. And I don't remember what happened for the rest of the night because I fell asleep on the police bench next to a man in handcuffs who cradled me in his lap as I fell. I remember the warm handcuffs against my face. They actually aren't that bad when they're warm. When they're cold, it's like handcuffs. But when they're warm, it's just like excess of jewelry. And I fell asleep. My mother didn't leave him, and we lived together for many years. He didn't hit her again until one day a few years ago. My mom was coming. Coming back from church, and I was in my new place. I just got in a place and I got a phone call from my brother, my younger brother in the morning. And he said, trevor, where are you? What are you. Are you busy? And I said, yeah, sort of. What happened? And he said, mom's been shot. I said, I'm sorry, what? He said, mom's been shot. Are you busy? I said, even if I was, this sort of clears out my schedule. And he said, well, she's been shot. And it's so funny, I didn't ask by whom. I knew immediately who she had been shot. By. It was a strange thing. I always hated the man. He had an evil about him. And so I said, okay, where was this? And my brother said, at the house. At the house. But we're at the hospital now. And so I got in the car and I drove to the hospital. I get to the hospital and my brother's outside holding back tears, and he's. He's 10 years younger than me. He was. He was much stronger than I was. I was crying. I was bawling like a little child, just crying. What has she done? Why didn't she leave him? I. You told him to leave him. I ran in and the people were there at the hospital, and they. And they ask you all the important questions about her, you know, like, does she have insurance? Does she have medical insurance? And I go, don't you want to know her blood type? They said, no, we need to know her insurance type. And they wouldn't help her until we proved we had insurance, which we didn't. So I said, use my credit card and just pay for whatever. And they said, it might be very expensive. I said, no, it doesn't matter. Money's no cost. This is. Money's no. Money's no. No object. This is my mother. Just take the money. And they said, but we need to do X rays. It could cost a thousand. I said, take the thousand. And they said, well, we need to do blood tests and we might do surgery. It might cost 10,000. I said, take the 10,000. They said, it might be a lot of money if she has to go in icu. I said, just do it. They said, but it could cost a fortune. I said, well, how much? How much? Because, I mean, we don't want it to be too much. Because, I mean, like, I still want my money, and she's cool and everything, but she's lived a great life, I feel. And I think she would understand. She wouldn't want for me to be broke. And she. She didn't, like, survive in surgery. Like, I think she wouldn't want that. So tell me when it gets to, like, more than, like, like a hundred thousand. And then we'll. Then we'll re. Evaluate this relationship and everything around us. And. And then they said, no, it'll only cost a few thousand. I said, well, then the money's no object. Take the thousands. Take the thousands and save my mother. Take it all, but not all. Just take what I said before. But just imagine it's all. And so then my mom was there and she was bleeding, and I was crying and My brother was there whole like, it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay. And he told me the story. Apparently this man came to the house while my mom was there coming back from church. Very ironically, I feel, because you just come from church. Church is the place where you, you almost go and re up your ante of good things, you know, you go there and you go, hey, give me more good things for one more week, please. And then she came back and then now bad thing immediately. And I was just like, ah, you let us down, Jesus. That was a bit of a slip up. You should have protected her at least until Monday. I mean, on the street, Sunday, that's just, that's just major letdown in terms of like, God, I was very disappointed by that. And I let him know on many occasions as I re upped my auntie. But anyway, I go off the topic and, and so, so my brother told me the story. He came to the house and he said, I've had enough of this. I've heard you want to leave me. You will not leave me. And then he pulled out a gun and then he fired, fired the shots at her. And. And miraculously, four of the bullets refused to fire. They just, just fell out of the front of the gun and fell onto the floor, just totally not discharged, which was very weird. I think that was Jesus, like, he was like, four bullets, then everything else. He's like, look, man, I can't work miracles. I mean, I can, but this is like bullets and wine are very different. So he stopped four bullets. So only one entered my mom's head, came into the back of her head, and then out the front by her nose. So it ripped her nose to shreds. And so she was in the hospital bleeding from her face. And I was there panicking, what are you gonna do? And my mom was there and gasping for blood, going, oh, don't worry, don't worry. I was like, I'm worried, I'm worried. I was, Clyde, she's the one bleeding, but I'm crying like, oh, I'm in so much pain. I'm in so much pain. She's like, it's okay, it's okay. I'm like, it's not okay. You're bleeding out your face, lady. This is not okay. And it reminded me of the first time I saw my mom's tampons as a little child, because that was the first time I saw my mom bleed. And I remember going, this is. You're not okay, you're gonna die. And she said, no, this is what happens. And I came over there, but then, like, this was like, no, this is not what happens because you're bleeding out your face now, and it looks like it'll last more than seven days, so this is a problem. And we sat there and we cried together, my brother and I, and. And then my mom. My mom miraculously survived. The bullet went through her, missing everything, her spine, her. Her nerves, everything came out the front, and it just ripped her nose to shreds. And I remember standing in the recovery room with her when we just. And, you know, she regained consciousness. And the doctor came and he said, it's a miracle. It's a miracle you have survived. The bullets did no damage just to your face. And we can have plastic surgery if you want. And my mom said, no, no surgery. I'll keep it the way it is as a reminder of what has happened to me. And I remember looking at her and I went, wow, what a hero. What a hero. Sort of ugly hero because the nose is weird, but still a hero. And she's my mom, so I don't care. And. And I'll never forget. Just like, I guess my inspiration, she looked at me and. And my mom and I look very alike. Just, she's like the darker version of me because she's black. And she looked at me and this was the aftermath. Everyone had just been quiet for a long time. And she looked and she said, you know what this means now, right? And I said, no, what does it mean? And she said, well, now you're undisputedly the best looking person in the family. And she said, there's a bright side to everything. And there was. And she's cool now. And the man who shot her is in jail. And thanks to Jesus, there were no more than one bullet. And this is my story. Thank you very much. I want to be fast I want to be slow I want somewhere to go home I want to be high I want to be low I want it all, you know? I want to be good I want to be bad I need some satisfaction I want to be up I want to be down I need a new direction Somewhere in summer Somewhere it's always springing.
