I'm Gay and Pets Are My Only Friends: RISK! Reacts

Summary

Podcast Summary: "I'm Gay and Pets Are My Only Friends: RISK! Reacts"

Podcast Information:

• Title: RISK!
• Host/Author: Kevin Allison
• Description: A platform where individuals share bold and personal true stories, moderated by Kevin Allison. Episodes are a blend of humor, heartache, and genuine human experiences.
• Episode: I'm Gay and Pets Are My Only Friends: RISK! Reacts
• Release Date: June 25, 2025

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Introduction

In this special episode of RISK! Reacts, host Kevin Allison delves into a deeply personal and poignant story shared by Fabian Godinez. The episode is part of RISK!'s June Pride Month series, highlighting diverse queer experiences. This summary encapsulates Fabian's heartfelt journal entries from his teenage years, his journey of coming out, his relationship with his pets, and the unwavering support from his family.

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Fabian Godinez's Story

Background and Family Dynamics

Fabian begins by setting the stage of his upbringing in San Diego, emphasizing his Mexican immigrant parents' aspirations for their children to attain a better future through education. His parents' efforts to protect him and his siblings from negative influences highlight the cultural nuances of their household.

"My sister got pregnant at 17, and she didn't want all the attention on her, so she said, 'At least I'm not gay like Fabian.' And after that, my life was awesome."
— Fabian Godinez [04:22]

Coming Out and Emotional Turmoil

The turning point in Fabian's narrative revolves around his older sister revealing his sexuality to their parents. This revelation triggers a cascade of emotions and fear, rooted in stories of discrimination and violence faced by gay individuals in Mexico.

"After that, it was just a very emotional roller coaster where she started crying and telling me how she was worried for my safety..."
— Fabian Godinez [05:11]

Coping Mechanisms: Pets and Journaling

Feeling unaccepted, Fabian turns to his pets for solace. His journals become a sanctuary where he expresses his innermost thoughts, fears, and aspirations. The entries vividly depict his teenage mindset, blending everyday concerns with deeper emotional struggles.

"Cheekies keeps me alive. She keeps me going. I love her."
— Fabian Godinez [08:50]

Loss and Grief

A significant portion of Fabian's journals details the illness and subsequent loss of his dog, Pookie. This loss not only magnifies his feelings of isolation but also underscores the profound bond between him and his pets.

"Pookie, you could have lived a wonderful life with me. Even if I only saw you two days healthy and two days sick."
— Fabian Godinez [08:50]

Family Support and Acceptance

Despite the initial turmoil, Fabian's parents reveal their unconditional love and support. His father's heartfelt assurance reinforces the strength of their familial bond.

"No matter who you are, I will always love you."
— Fabian Godinez [14:48]

Future Aspirations and Self-Reflection

Fabian's later entries reflect his aspirations to create a positive impact, such as founding an animal shelter, and his journey towards self-acceptance and understanding.

"I want to be known for something good. Create a local shelter of rescued animals and run it and go and say I'm gay and proud..."
— Fabian Godinez [15:46]

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Fabian Godinez:

  • "Are you gay?" [05:11]
  • "I love my dogs." [10:33]
  • "I have faith she will get better." [08:23]
  • "I want to experience true love." [17:35]

• Kevin Allison:

  • "It's so beautiful and impressive to like. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." [10:33]
  • "It's just so beautiful that there's this relationship with the dog there." [14:00]

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Host Reactions and Insights

Kevin Allison provides a heartfelt and analytical response to Fabian's story. He reflects on the emotional depth and authenticity of the journal entries, highlighting the universal themes of identity, acceptance, and loss.

• On Emotional Honesty:

  "It's really beautiful and impressive to like... it's really beautiful and impressive..." [16:19]

• On Familial Support:

  "I'm so happy that ultimately things seem to have turned out well with his family..." [16:19]

• On Coping Mechanisms:

  "The relationship with the dog there comes in as a real support... the dog is there for him." [16:19]

Kevin draws parallels to his own experiences, emphasizing the importance of support systems during challenging times. He praises Fabian's vulnerability and the constructive way he processed his emotions through journaling and his bond with his pets.

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Conclusion

This episode of RISK! Reacts masterfully intertwines a young individual's journey of self-discovery with the unwavering support of family and pets. Fabian Godinez's story is a testament to resilience, the power of honest storytelling, and the significance of unconditional love. Kevin Allison's insightful reactions further enrich the narrative, offering listeners a profound understanding of the complexities involved in coming out and coping with personal loss.

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Additional Journal Entries

Towards the end of the episode, additional entries from Fabian's journals are shared, providing a glimpse into his continued personal growth and experiences post the initial narrative arc.

• April 30, 2011:

  "Yesterday, after the bonfire, I had my friend Jonathan, a white marine, pick me up. So I returned the favor by blowing him behind a church in Escondido."
  — Fabian Godinez [27:40]

• December 15, 2011:

  "I have had a boyfriend called Anthony who is 38, 20 years older than me. But I just see him as a friend and I want to be young, wild and free."
  — Fabian Godinez [28:38]

These entries add layers to Fabian's evolving understanding of relationships and his own identity, showcasing his continued quest for authenticity and personal fulfillment.

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Connect with Fabian:

• Instagram: @fabeg

Additional Resources:

• Mortified Podcast: Although currently on hiatus, Mortified offers over 250 episodes and frequent live events. Visit getmortified.com for more information.

Engage with RISK! Reacts:

• Website: risk-show.com
• YouTube: RISK! Show

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Note: This summary aims to encapsulate the essence of the episode, highlighting the emotional depth and transformative journey of Fabian Godinez, as well as the thoughtful reflections provided by Kevin Allison.

Transcript

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[Kevin Allison]

Hello folks, this is Risk the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and this is another one of our Risk Reacts video episodes where I listen to a story from for the very first time and give you my instant reactions. Now if you want to watch the episode over on YouTube, there's a link in the show notes. But for all of our audio episodes going back 15 years, you just go to risk-show.com or wherever you get your podcast I also want to point out that this is one of four of our June Pride Month episodes. On June 5th, we we had the Best of Queer Lives 3 with a story by Dan Savage. On June 11th, the Luckiest Trans Woman Alive is an amazing story by Kate bowl. And on June 19, activist, musician and drag queen superstar Peppermint joined me for our Best of Trans Lives number four episode. So check them all out. All right, let's get started. Mortified is a live show where adults share embarrassing childhood diary entries, letters, poems, and so on live on stage. It's usually funny and revealing and, yeah, sometimes mortifying. Now, the Mortified podcast features readings from their live shows, interwoven with studio recordings from the storytellers. And Dave Nadelberg from. From Mortified sent us one of their June episodes. June 2018. It's called Chicano Pride. And he thought it would be great for us to do as a Risk reacts. I haven't heard this one yet. All I know is it's by Fabian Godinez, and he'll be reading from his teenage journal. So let's do this. Let's give it a listen. Okay, going to click play now.

[Fabian Godinez]

Hey, everyone. I'm Fabian. I grew up in San Diego. My parents immigrated from Mexico before they met, and they wanted to have kids over here because they thought it was going to be a better life. So they wanted their kids to set our sights in college and, you know, get a good life ahead of us. So my mom and dad sometimes had two jobs, but they paid really close attention to who we hung out with because they didn't want us to, you know, join any gangs or anything out here. But we kind of threw them a curveball. My sister got pregnant at 17, and she didn't want all the attention on her, so she said, well, at least I'm not gay like Fabian. And after that, my life was awesome.

[Fabiola]

So immediately after, my sister told my parents that I was gay, and my mom walked over to me while I was doing homework and sat next to me and said, I have a question for you. Are you gay?

[Kevin Allison]

She.

[Fabiola]

She just asked me straight out. There was so many thoughts running through my head. I was like, no. Why? And she basically said, fabi just told me that you are, and I know you are. And basically after that, it was just a very emotional roller coaster where she started crying and telling me how she was worried for my safety because she heard a lot of stories growing up in Mexico where other kids who came out to their parents as gay would be beaten and kicked out of the house and would have to fend for themselves and some of them would end up prostitutes unfortunately, just because there was no way for them to survive at a young age. She did not want me to go through any of that. And after that she talked to my dad the same night and it was basically a week where my dad and I did not speak at all.

[Fabian Godinez]

So it was usually easier for me after that to hang out with my pets. I just felt like I wasn't accepted back then, you know, My parents were more Catholic than anything and in all honesty, I liked hanging out with my dog, the best one I ever had. Cheekies. So this is my first entry. It's October 10, 2010 6:49pm and yes, I wrote the time. This yogurt is so good I took the quickest shower in my life. Like one and a half minutes. Then Fabiola, my older sister, brought a dog she rescued because it was rejected and it was a white American pit bull. This means my cheekies will have a friend to play with. Her name is Pookie. October 11, 2010 11:49am My teacher, Mr. Vargas is so cute. Too bad. Too bad he is straight and has a yellow. Well, the worst is that he has a wife and I will be considered a home wrecker, which would be bad. Question mark? Question mark. Well, in my third period class I told Mario I was gay and he didn't believe me because he said I looked straight. So he said to prove it, I was going to say, well, I have to kiss you. Well, now that I think about it, he was pretty good looking and I wouldn't regret it. But I never did. Carlos is wearing a pink shirt today. Where's the pipe? Red@Oct 12, 2010 10:03pm so this one starts off at Jack in the Box. I got my usual steak and egg burrito without the steak. Mmm. I learned a new word. Bitch tits. It means. It means homosexual of yours in a no. So I called Carlos a bitch tits ass pirate. What a double whammy. Good thing he doesn't get it. Lol. Pookie is sick right now. We believe she has parvo. I'm praying that she survives. Please save my dog. God please.

[Fabiola]

I definitely felt like my animals and my journal, I guess, were the only places I could really share my emotions. Even though there was a lot of changes going on and my parents were always working and my sisters were living their own social life, me and my dogs would always be there for each other. So that was a way for me, I guess, to feel accepted In a world where it was unclear if I would be accepted or not.

[Fabian Godinez]

October 16, 2010 Watch over Pookie in my room in the dark as I listen to Crawling by Linkin Park. I want her to know that I'm going to be with her all the way through her sickness of parvo. I have faith she will get better. Somehow. I hope she has the faith to survive as well. Me and Fabiola made a plan to tell my dad to take her to the vet tomorrow if she is still sick. I have $80 to contribute. The best words to describe my situation. I need you now tonight I need you more than ever and if you only hold me tight we'll be holding on forever Once upon a time I was falling in love Now I'm only falling apart there's nothing I can do A total eclipse of the heart I love my dogs. October 17, 2010 I'm more fucking mad than sad right now after seeing Pookie dead stiff with ants on her. I used to save ants, but not anymore. I had two fucking days to save her. Two. God, what the fuck? Pookie, you could have lived a wonderful life with me. Even if I only saw you two days healthy and two days sick. Those four days will always be remembered.

[Fabiola]

When Pookie did not make it, it was definitely very, very upsetting. So we had a big enough backyard where I can just dig a ditch and bury her there. That's where I left her. I didn't put like any rocks around the grave or any kind of like markings on it just because I didn't want anybody else to know where it was. It would just be like a special place for me and my dogs to be. I kind of like visiting their friend.

[Fabian Godinez]

You will always be in my heart. Playing with Gorda and Princess, my other deceased dogs. I'm not afraid to say right now, I doubt religion. Why didn't God help her alive one more day? Make my parents feel bad, Bring money somehow. Probably means I'm not getting a car or job anytime soon. I love you so much, Pookie. Just wait for me. I don't think I was suicidal, but. October 17, 2010. Once upon a time, there was love in my life. Now there's only love in the dark. I miss Pookie. Rest in peace. I will remember her in school tomorrow. I need an all day pass to the counselor. My bond with Cheeky's grew even stronger. She keeps me alive. She keeps me going. I love her. She is kissing me as I write. My stand with God is I don't know where, but the show Undercover Boss showed me that after loss our faiths should strengthen. I'm still confused, but I'm sure I want Pookie back. October 19, 2010 well, cheekies threw up yesterday morning and I was scared. She was sick too, but I think it was because I sprayed too much Lysol. Tm. I wrote that too. Disinfectant spray in my room. I think I believe in God again. But when I said I sat to poop in Carlos's bathroom today in the morning I thought of all the past events and my mom's life has actually gotten more and more stressful, but she's the strongest believer in the house. So as I sat there, I prayed that things get better for my mom because she deserves it. I also went to the DMV yesterday after my school and we waited for like two hours and I didn't even take my driving exam, only the visual test, which I failed badly because my glasses sucked. And the worst part was when I went to the bathroom. It was unsanitary. Dirty floors, piles of used toilet paper on the ground next to the one toilet that was working. No toilet paper and the worst toilet seat ever. It was not comfortable and didn't open up my cheeks like it was supposed to ease the path of the poop. Gotta use the right toilet seat, right? I'm single right now and it's okay but. But it's okay I guess. But I would like to experience true love. I want a muscular man who has a sense of humor yet is very serious about future and commitments. Just wanted to throw that out there.

[Fabiola]

There was really only one time where I had to borrow boyfriend in high school and that was pretty much a topsy turvy kind of situation. It was actually because of me that he came out to his parents. His parents actually came over to my parents telling them that I turned their son gay and that I was brainwashing him and that ever since I started hanging out with him, he started liking guys. I think it's because they were traditional Hispanics as well, so they weren't sure how to take it. My family basically kicked him out of the house and this is when I found out my parents actually had my back and they basically told them that they're stupid if they think that somebody else can make their son gay. My dad sat me down, he started crying and he said, hey, no matter who you are, I will always love you.

[Fabian Godinez]

November 5, 2010 Right now I rushed to the bathroom because I had to poop, which is what I'm doing as I write. Well, now it stopped. I have been really stressed this week, but I have accomplished some tasks. Now I have to finish my college applications, apply for scholarships, sign up for the SAT for December 4th, buy moisturizer, buy new clothes, cut my hair, and buy my Antonio Banderas Perfume. October 25, 2010. I want to be known for something good. Create a local shelter of rescued animals and run it and go and say I'm gay and proud and we should all be who we are and celebrate it. Just like my dream. I want to get known. Thanks, everyone.

[Kevin Allison]

Wow. Oh, my gosh. That is so. So many things. It is so funny and so moving and so, so just such a reminder of that era of our lives that it's just a remarkable story. I loved that. All right, so I'll tell you what. We're gonna take a break here and we'll come back and I'll share some of my initial thoughts about Fabian Godinez story.

[Kaley Cuoco]

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[Kevin Allison]

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[Kaley Cuoco]

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[Kevin Allison]

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[Kaley Cuoco]

We're back.

[Kevin Allison]

Wow. I have to say, you know, I'm teaching so many storytelling workshops right now, and it's so fascinating to work with folks who have to be very mindful about putting mixed feelings and including sometimes their own unconsciousness of what they were going through at a particular time, you know, their perspective, as opposed to, like, what they now see was really going on. So it's remarkable to hear that all of that presented in a diary of a kid who really is like, at that moment in life, like, unconscious or doesn't have the language for some of what he's going through and all of that, like, it was very funny, that moment of crushing over his teacher and being like, I guess I would be a homewrecker. Question mark. It's also so funny, the mindfulness, you know, this sort of right here and now, just simple life that a kid is, you know, very attuned to and, you know, making note of, like, pooping or having to buy moisturizer. You know, I mean, it seems ridiculous to us, like, not worth sharing about, but at the same time, it's really beautiful and impressive to like. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Think back on. Okay. What were the most minuscule of daily concerns of mine at that time? What was front of mind? You know, the particular background of having immigrant parents coming from Hispanic culture. You can see in how this story progresses how blessed he was to have such supportive parents. You know, I mean, that is a real. You know, there's a lot of suspense and tension in the story at the beginning as to how his parents are really gonna react in the end, you know, because it's very. I had that same experience, especially with my mom, of just like all kinds of tears, all kinds of worries expressed, all kinds of getting me to second guess myself or encourage me to join the priesthood, and then, you know, eventually coping, coming to terms and being supportive. So it's such a blessing. And, you know, his awareness at that age and his parents awareness at that age of queer kids ending up homeless, ending up having to turn to sex, work, and you know, just all of this, you know, the danger of getting gay bashed and all of that, you know, that that is just so much for a kid to be attempting to process that. It's so beautiful that there's this relationship with the dog there that Comes in as a, A real support, A real, you know, what do they call that? Support animals? I think when, you know, people might have panic attacks and they bring them with them maybe on a plane or something like that, if they have a phobia, like, gosh, you know, this story really makes that sort of need clear. And then he has to be grieving the loss of his dog at the same time that something, you know, even bigger and longer and more, you know, going all through his life is he, you know, he's just not able to completely process all of the coming out stuff. And so it's such a joy that the dog is there for him. But then it's such a, oh my gosh, he's really having to, like, learn some life lessons, going through the grieving process with his dog as well. You know, this really. I kept such thorough diaries when I was, say, in the sixth, seventh, eighth grade. And now listening to this, I'm aware of just how precocious. I guess I was a little bit of a gifted child in terms of all the reading and writing I was doing. And maybe a little bit pretentious because, oh my God, in the seventh grade, my diaries are like catechism arguments for why the Catholic Church should change its Vatican II dogma around homosexuality. And then I kind of insist that, you know, not that. I mean, this is just an interesting topic for, for me, you know, like, like I'm literally like digging into all this and then kind of denying that, you know, this has anything to do with me in particular. Oh my gosh, I, I loved also just the innocence and the beauty of like crushing over his teacher, having that sort of confusing sexual tension with a friend of his. You know, I was just thinking the other day this came up in one of my storytelling workshops, a story about having in junior high and high school having to take all of your clothes off in the locker room for like a swimming class or something like that. And I was wondering if that even still happens today, because in high school, I think it was like freshman or sophomore year in high school we had to do that. And holy cow, I mean, I'll never forget it. I'll never. In fact, I often have kinky roleplay fantasies around it all. But it was so exciting to be naked in a locker room. I went to an all boys high school. But also so exciting and so terrifying because starting to get an erection and trying to hide. Do people see that? I'm kind of sneaking glances and everything. I mean, what a loaded, loaded experience. So he just reminded me of that of, gosh, how much kids that age have to be processing all at the same time. And, oh, he's just such a charming and sweet kid that I'm so happy that ultimately things seem to have turned out well with his family and that he's, you know, at a place in his life now where he can share all that in a, you know, you know, a fun way. It's both hilarious and just so touching. So I'm. I'm so thankful to Fabian Godinez for sharing that with us. You can find Fabian on Instagram @fabeg. That's fabulous. A B, G E, E and thank you to Mortified for sending us Fabian Godinez. Now, the Mortified podcast is currently on hiatus, but they have over 250 episodes in their archives and they do have frequent live events. You can get tickets to shows in nine different [e-mail] and thank you all for listening. Let us know what you think of these Risk Reacts episodes. You can find the whole series at risk-show.com riskreacts and if you've heard an amazing story on some other podcast and you thought, oh gosh, Kevin Allison should hear this one, send it our way. It could be a part of this Risk Reacts series. Just leave a comment about it on this video on YouTube or on our website or on social media, but don't spoil it. Just let us know the story title and who the storyteller is and what podcast it's on. But let the rest be a total surprise so that I don't learn anything about it beforehand. My staff will take care of the rest. You can always find us on social media, including YouTube, RiskShow and our website is risk-show.com okay, before we go, I'm told we have a couple of extra entries from Fabian's journal, so let's have a listen to that.

[Fabian Godinez]

April 30, 2011. Yesterday, after the bonfire, I had my friend Jonathan, a white marine, pick me up. So I returned the favor by blowing him behind a church in Escondido. December 15, 2011. So obviously it has been a really long time. Long story short, I have had a boyfriend called Anthony who is 38, 20 years older than me. But what can I say? I like my daddies. I really loved him at first because he was good with dogs, he was muscular and he had money because he was a drug dealer. But now I just see him as a friend and I want to be young, wild and free.

[Kevin Allison]

Oh my gosh. Yeah. Now all of that is quite relatable, too. Okay, folks, today's the day. Take a risk.

[Kaley Cuoco]

It.