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- [00:03]
Brett Podolsky
I'm Brett Podolsky, co founder of the Farmer's Dog. We make fresh, real food for dogs. It sounds so simple, and it is. But for decades, pet food companies have spent billions of dollars advertising that ultra processed pellets are what we should be feeding our dogs every single day. My experience with my own dog, Jada, made me realize that there was another way. For years, Jada. Jada had constant issues. Can I talk about poops on the radio? I tried everything until a veterinarian recommended I feed her fresh food. It was a complete turnaround. That's why we started the Farmer's Dog, so every dog could experience the benefits of a truly healthy diet. It's not fancy. It's just fresh, whole food delivered right to your door, pre portioned for your dog's unique needs. It's better for them, but and easier for you.
- [00:54]
Advertiser 1
Get 50% off your first box at the farmersdog.com trial50. That's thefarmersdog.com trial50. On WhatsApp, no one can see or hear your personal messages. Whether it's a voice call message or sending a password to WhatsApp, it's all just this. So whether you're sharing the streaming password in the family chat, we're trading those late night voice messages that could basically become a podcast. Your personal messages stay between you, your friends and your family. No one else, not even us. WhatsApp message privately with everyone.
- [01:33]
Child 1
Mom and dad, the school supplies you buy me this year will mostly end up in my mouth. Maybe shop Low prices for school at.
- [01:40]
Child 2
Amazon so I don't eat up all your money.
- [01:43]
Child 1
Just something to chew on.
- [01:45]
Child 2
Amazon.
- [01:45]
Child 1
Spend less, smile more.
- [01:48]
Advertiser 1
Wait, you're not a Hotels.com member, so you're choosing to pay full price?
- [01:54]
Child 2
Did you not hear the song? How could you not be a member.
- [01:59]
Advertiser 2
And save up to 20%? That's less than 50%. But it's more than zero percent. You're welcome.
- [02:09]
Advertiser 1
See, the math is mathing. Save up to 20% on hundreds of thousands of hotels with Hotels.com.
- [02:22]
Advertiser 2
Risk.
- [02:25]
Kevin Allison
Hey, folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. Now, on a very recent episod called Animals Past and Present, Ray Christian and I mentioned a story that is on this episode. I mean, Alex Wilkie's story about crazy goings on with a chimpanzee. And this episode first came out in June of 2013. It's an episode we call Incompatible.
- [03:14]
Advertiser 2
Sam Risk.
- [03:56]
Kevin Allison
Hello, kids. This is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and this is Poolside behind me now. We're calling today's episode Incompatible. These are stories where people felt like they were a bad fit for a situation. Or imbroglio. I wish we used the word imbroglio more often. This series is filled to the gills with imbroglios. In just a bit, we're going to hear from Alex Wilke, who owns a martial arts academy in Bridgewater, New Jersey. But before that, we're going to hear from Julie Polk, who told this story at a storytelling workshop class show. First time having Julie on the show, and we're excited about that. So without further ado, here she is at the People's Improv Theater in New York City. This is Julie Polk with a story we call Call.
- [05:13]
Child 1
So I grew up in a fairly WASPy family in Philadelphia, which meant that I never really rebelled outwardly, but I always had this kind of fascination with the dark side. And then when I was about in my early 20s, I stumbled across this TV movie called Mayflower Madam, which was about Sidney Biddle Barrows, who was also from a WASPy Philadelphia family, although the Biddles were far more prominent than the Polks. But Sidney Biddle Barrows had gotten busted for running a high class prostitution ring in New York City. And I kind of went, huh? And then at around that same time, my friend Susan, my college friend Susan announced to me and all of the rest of our friends that she was working at an escort service. Not as an escort, but answering the phone. So she would sit there and men would call in who wanted to have sex with prostitutes, and she would make the arrangements for them. She was like a receptionist, she was a booker. So there was something in the fact that these two things happened at around the same time that became this harmonic convergence of appeal for escort services to me. And I was like that, I am going to go do that. And I didn't have any idea how to actually go about doing this, but I was like, it can't be that hard. So I flipped through the back of the Philadelphia City Paper, which was their alternative weekly, through where all the adult ads are. And I found an ad for this place called Caesar's, which was super, super tacky, but they had managed to spell their own name correctly, which was better than the Pete's Place down the street and all I needed to know. So I picked up the Phone. And I was like, hi, do you guys need somebody to answer the phone? And they were like, yeah, come on down. And that's basically how it happened. So Caesar's was run out of this really dingy apartment in downtown Philadelphia. The building was really nice, and it was actually next to this really brand new, big, beautiful hotel. But the apartment had this kind of threadbare pea green carpet, and the walls were kind of cracked and yellow, and the windows were so dirty, they were basically opaque. And it was run by this father son team named Lou and Bruce. And Bruce had this big florid face and pinky rings on both fingers. And he hands me a box of three by five cards that have the girls names on them. And he says, so here's what happens. The girls call in, they want to go on. You pull their card. A guy calls in, he wants to see somebody. You look at who you got, you make the match. It's 175 bucks an hour. Girl gets 100, we get 75, you get 10 out of that. Come in the next day, you get your envelope of cash, you get that. And he looks over at Lou, who has this like, shock of bright white hair and is wearing a medallion the size of a business card with a die cut l' chaim in the middle of it. And Lou just winks at me. And I am like, charmed. I am so excited about this. And Bruce goes, so some very important things. You never ever say the word sex. Anybody says something like that to you, you act all offended, like you don't know what they're talking about. Somebody calls up, they want to know what the girl is gonna do with them. They want to pay cash. They're calling you from a hotel. That is a cop. You get off the phone right away. That is a cop. That usually happens on Thursdays. And I was like, oh, my God. My job is to outwit vice cops. I am so excited about this. So I start working there. And the three by five cards that had the girls names on them, it was really just kind of this fascinating place to be. So the front of their cards had their working name, then their real name in parentheses if it was different height, weight, hair color, eye color, and then any modifiers that Bruce or Lou thought were relevant, like real pretty or great rack. And I thought it was kind of fascinating because I totally admit, like, I expected that their working names would be kind of like hooker names, like, you know, luscious and Roxy and chandelier and Inst. They were really pretty ordinary it was like, Monica, Melissa. And I was kind of like, those are pretty much interchangeable names of girls in my third grade class. Like, it was kind of unexpected. So I was learning things, and on the back of their cards, there was a list of things that the girls would and would not do. And in some cases, it was just literally like a list of names. But this thing kept coming up over and over. I know that's a dirty joke that I realized when I said. And I was like, ah, yeah, well, it's a dirty joke. So there's this one thing that kept on coming up over and over, and it said, no Greek. And I finally asked one of the girls. I was like, what does that mean? And she cracks up, and she goes, oh, honey, that's anal sex. So it's great. Like, I'm making cash and I'm learning all these things. I'm having my horizons expanded. I actually got a call one night from. From a guy who wanted to pay cash and wanted to know what the girl was gonna do with him. And I asked him where he was calling from, and he said, the hotel next door. And I was like, vice cop.
- [11:01]
Child 2
Bam.
- [11:02]
Child 1
I win. I'm still having a ball at this job. It's fantastic. So that goes on for a while. And then I get a call from this girl named Denise. And Denise, I'd been there for a couple months at this point, but this is the first time she had called on. And I pull her card out of the file, and it says, gorgeous but bitch. And she says, so you're the new girl, huh? Did they tell you what happened to the guy who used to answer the phones before you? And I was like, no. And she says, yeah. So he started working, and then I just stopped getting calls. And I'll tell you what, I have a lot of regulars, so I know he was playing favorites, because my regulars did not just stop calling me. So I got kind of fed up with that. I had a couple of guys come meet him outside the building one night. They put him in the hospital. I heard they broke his jaw. Good. I hope that motherfucker starves to death. So just don't play favorites. You know what I'm saying? And I was like, yes, I know exactly what you are saying to me, Denise. So I took a cab home that night, and I took cabs home every night after that. And then this other guy called, and I assume it was a guy. He didn't say anything, but I would pick up the phone, and he would just go into my ear and it was so horrifyingly gross. And it was just like. It still creeps me out. And I couldn't do anything about it. Sometimes he would call like two, three, four times in a row and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't not answer the phone because I had one job and that was to answer the phone. So it was like being trapped inside this apartment, this dingy, dank apartment with this super creep who just wouldn't let me alone. And I'm taking cabs home every night, which is eating into my cash, which is not as much as I expected it to be anyway, because I have to. Because I don't know if I'm really keeping Denise happy enough. And you know, next door there's an entire hotel full of vice cops who are trying to bust me. And if they do, I could be charged with a felony. And I'm just kind of freaking out about all of this. And then I go in one day and Bruce is still there, which is weird because Bruce is usually gone by the time I get there. And he says, yeah. So I got a call today, this weird call from this lady, said her name is Tracy and she wanted to work here. And I just thought it sounded kind of weird. So I started asking her like, has she ever done this before? And she knows she's gotta come in. Cause I gotta see what she looks like. Cause of course. And she just starts. She's like. She's like, well, yeah, I've never done this before. I have a great body and I'm 20 and I'm a cheerleader. And then she just freaks out and she says, she's your mom. And I was like, what? Because a couple of days earlier I had finally broken down and told my mom where I was working. And I expected that she would like, freak out, which she did. I did not expect that she was going to call my boss posing as a 20 year old wannabe prostitute cheerleader named Tracy, to yell at him. I don't even know why. I don't know if she had a plan. I don't know what was happening. And I'm just staring at Bruce like, what? And he's looking at me with this like, pained expression. And he says, I just gotta know, is she gonna do that? Cause I got a business to run here and I can't be having your mom calling and yelling at me all the time. So. So is this going to happen again? And I just looked at him and I said, no, Bruce, I can promise you that that is never, ever going to happen again. And I took a cab home. And the next day I quit. We'll be right back.
- [15:32]
Advertiser 1
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- [16:03]
Advertiser 3
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- [16:11]
Kevin Allison
Thing Mint Mobile Unlimited premium wireless.
- [16:14]
Advertiser 4
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- [16:17]
Kevin Allison
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Advertiser 4
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- [16:20]
Brett Podolsky
So give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch upfront.
- [16:24]
Advertiser 1
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- [16:33]
Child 2
Fake volcano for months, I give my.
- [16:35]
Advertiser 1
Daughter Smarty pants vitamins to support her brain health.
- [16:38]
Child 2
So her science fair project sounds more like and less like.
- [16:46]
Advertiser 1
And while I may say it's not.
- [16:48]
Child 2
A competition, of course it's a f ing competition. Choose Smartypants vitamins to support your kid's brain health and save the science fair.
- [16:56]
Advertiser 1
Shop on Amazon smartypantsvitamins.com or at target today.
- [17:02]
Child 2
We're back.
- [17:11]
Advertiser 4
Quite a few years ago, my uncle and my cousin, they trained wild animals. And my uncle was also a stuntman. So he used to do a lot of work in the movies, you know, westerns and stuff where people would roll around and fight with mountain lions and stuff like that, and some of the westerns getting shot with flaming arrows and all that stuff. So he did a lot of that work. And him and my cousin were traveling out here on the east coast to pick up some animals out in New York City that were coming in on the docks. And while they were here, they stopped by to visit us. So they brought the tractor trailers and they pulled them into the yard. I live in far hills and we have 12 acres. So we're out kind of out in a wooded area. So we had plenty of spots you know, we got pond there, we have some streams and stuff. So plenty of room for the animals to, you know, the ones he could take out, like the elephants, camels, you know, they could lead them around. And he would give rides and stuff to the people in the neighborhood on him at night. So Buddy the chimp, he was. You know, he would stay in the house and he would. You know, he's a regular. He was their pet, you know, and he was trained. And he would come out with me, and I would take him down to the 7 11, you know, to get him frozen sodas. And we'd get them, and the people in the store would just be laughing, looking like, you know, what the heck is this? Where's this freaking monkey coming from? So he would grab whatever was in reaching distance. So of course, once he grabbed it, I had to buy it, you know. So this went on throughout the week at night, and we would play inside roughhouse with Buddy, you know, we'd play with him and, you know, just having a good old time. So I was sitting on the front lawn just on the grass, talking to some of the people hanging out. People have a little barbecue, and Buddy the champ, every once in a while, he would come running around, and when he come running up to me, I would just kind of grab him and bend his head and bend him into a ball and roll him on the ground. And he would roll and he'd make noise. He'd run around and, you know, he'd come back. And this. This play went on for a little while, on and off. So finally I was just sitting there talking to one of my buddies, and Buddy had come running around, and when he came around, I was laying on the ground and I had my leg up, and I kind of had my arm resting on my knee like this. So he comes around and he's standing there looking at me. I'm really not paying that much attention to him because, you know, he'd play, he would stand there, and then he would just take off on his own. So with that, all of a sudden, he grabs my arm with both hands. I look at him for a second. I see his mouth open up. I'm like, holy sh. And with that, he just clamps down on my arm. So I kind of panicked at first because when he bit down, it felt like my arm was going to crush. So I punched him right in the nose. And when I did, he kind of just ripped back with my arm, and I was like, holy shit, I can't believe it. And as I did that he just started coming right back at me. So I grabbed him and I kind of threw him down. And then I tried to get to my feet. So as I got to my feet, he kept kind of leaping towards me. I kept grabbing him by his arms, holding him down, and he was just starting to really start to get worked up and going crazy. So now I'm putting him on the ground, and I'm kind of hitting him a little bit to stop him, but not to hurt him. Unbeknownst to me that I really didn't know that I couldn't hurt him yet, you know, I was just trying to. Still trying to be nice to him because it was still, you know, he's a cute little guy, you know? So as I'm. He's. Now he's getting worked up even more. So he leaps up and he's trying to bite me. He's got his mouth open, so I'm holding him by his arms, trying to hold him away from me so he. He can't bite me. And he's kind of like going side to side, trying to bite at my hands. But his feet have got me because I can't hold him far enough away that he can still reach me. His feet have got me by the neck. So he's grabbing me, and I'm trying to turn because I don't want him grab my windpipe. And he's just tearing into me, and I'm trying to pull away, and every time I do, I can just feel him ripping into my neck, his nails and stuff. I'm like, oh, man, this is not good. So with this, people are starting to run now. Everybody that's there is just starting to really panic, you know? So I throw him on the ground, and every time I throw him down, he's, like, stuck to me like a rubber band. He just comes right back. So I held him down on the ground, and I got underneath him. I said, man, I got to really drill this thing. And I got low. I had to get low on him because he was short, you know. And I came with an uppercut as hard as I could, and I cracked him. He lifted up, and he really did a backwards flip and a roll, and he went quite a ways away from me at the point. I was like, holy shit. I climb believe I didn't knock him out. He got up. He gets up, and he's. Now he's running around in a circle, punching the ground. Oh, he was screaming and making all kinds of noise, and his fur is all puffed up. Now. So now he doesn't look like a chimpanzee anymore. Now he looks like Mighty Joe Young. I'm like, holy. What do I do now? Oh, that my friends, everybody else are scattered. They're ran. And if this thing was fighting somebody else, I would have been running, too. So with that, I look at the front door, at the house, and my feet want to go, but my brain's telling me, don't run, because if he gets on your back, you're doomed. So now we're kind of looking at each other. We got a little. Little standoff going there. I'm looking at him, he's looking at me, and I'm like, oh, man. And he just starts punching the ground. And here he comes now. He starts charging me. So with that, I'm like, oh, man. My brain's racing, so I figure I'm gonna kick him. So. But before I could go to kick him, he gets within a short distance, and he just leaps through the air. And as he leaps, all I see is this mouth coming at me, all these big teeth like big white Chiclets. So as he comes, I catch him kind of right by his biceps, and I just continue to momentum. I just did, like a backwards roll and pile drive his head into the ground. It sounded like a coconut being dropped from, like, two stories up. So I quick jumped to my feet. By that time, my cousin Eddie had gotten some people off the camel that he had on it. So he comes running up. Buddy gets up, and he kind of stands up, and he's got his arms up in the air like this. So my cousin comes running up. Of course he's laughing because they think it's funny. My uncle, my cousin, they're half out of their minds anyway, so he goes, oh, man. He goes, holy cow. He goes, that was unbelievable. He goes like, you beat him. He goes. He's admitting defeat. He go, take him, but I go, admitting defeat? What are you talking about? He goes, no, it's okay. You can take him by the hand, you know, you got. You kicked his ass. And I said, really? He's like. I go, eddie, I'm not touching this thing. He goes, no, no, you got to take him by the hand now and let him know. He said, you beat him. So he's admitting that, you know, you're. I guess I'm the head chimp now, you know? So I said, eddie, if I touch this thing and this thing goes nuts, I said, I'm not only killing him, I'm beating the shit out of you, too. So he starts laughing. So, no, I take him by the hand. No problem. I lead him into the house. I go inside. My cousin Eddie takes him. Kind of puts you. Every time we bought in the house, you had to put him in a diaper because, you know, otherwise you'd forget your house, you know. So I go into the bathroom. Now all the people are still outside. They're all kind of gathering their stuff and coming back around. They can't believe what just happened. Everybody, you know, they're just ran for their lives now. I got the alcohol, the peroxide. I'm banding up my arm. I look in the mirror, my neck and my face are tore up, you know, just ripped. So I'm cleaning that up. I must be in there, you know, 20 minutes to a half hour. So I finally get myself all cleaned up as good as I thought I could. I'm like, yeah, maybe I should go get this checked out, you know? So I walk out into the living room, and as I come out to the living room, I look over and there he is sitting there eating dry Cheerios. And he's watching the Flintstones. And he kind of looks over at me, you know, gives me this little look. And I'm looking at him like, you little bastard. You know, I got him. You know, I beat him. But it really. I got the worst of it because now I'm bit. I'm ripped up. I'm like, holy cow. So then when I talked to my cousin after, when I went outside, he's like, you know, the thing just happened to get worked up, and it was like a challenge, you know, he just snapped. He said that, you know, once in a while that can happen. And if they. If you don't beat him, he can't train them anymore. They won't listen, but they will test you every now and then. But he said, thank God it happened to be me tested, not somebody else there, because golly knows what he would have done. You know, I mean, it was all. I had my hands full, all I could do to stop this thing from. From getting the best of me. And it was just sheer all out, you know, swinging away there for a while. And, you know, the fear. I was like, man, when that thing was over, I was like, holy cow. But after that, we were the best of friends. Never had a problem with him again the time he was there. And to this day, I'm still a head monkey. You know, I got that going for me.
- [24:51]
Advertiser 2
I was running from imaginary vampire bats. I was shrieking at the moon while Montezuma Lamblues and reds and greens and golds I hope that I die when I'm 100 years old looking like a New Yorker cartoon Sleeping in a golden cathoo with you.
- [25:46]
Child 2
This is Risk.
- [25:48]
Kevin Allison
This is Jenny and Johnny behind me now. Just heard from Alex Wilkie. You can find out more about his martial arts academy@alexwilkiemma.com One thing we here at Risk do very much so love is the city of Charleston, South Carolina. In a little bit we're going to hear from Marie Cecile Anderson, from the comedic singer songwriter duo the Reformed Whores, performing at our last show live in Charleston at the wonderful Theater 99 down there. But when I was 15, first in Charleston last January, I taught a workshop via thestorystudio.org and this gentleman, Mark Schlahetka, got up and told this story. I asked him if we could record it over Skype. So here he is now, a stand up comedian in Charleston. Mr. Mark Schlahetka with a story we call weekenders.
- [26:51]
Child 2
You.
- [27:15]
Advertiser 3
21 year old college dropout Back living with my parents in their basement and working in a shoe store. So I decided to join the Navy. And the boot camp was all one big drag. But one of the cool parts about it was just before lights out, or in Navy terms, bedtime, there was a mail call. And this was when you finally got the letters from your family and friends. And during this whole time, I started getting letters from Adrian. Now, Adrian and I had dated on and off for three years and we realized we had a lot in common. We always had a great time together. One of the things I really liked about her was the simple fact that she was a complete opposite of me. She was very quiet, very polite, very intelligent. And it just seemed like every time we were together we would have fun, but eventually things would start to deteriorate and erode and, and we would break up, but we'd eventually come back together just seeing how silly things had gotten between us. But here she was now, writing me every day. And through these letters, we were really getting to know each other again. It almost seemed like putting pen to paper helped us rediscover one another on different levels and aspects. No matter how crazy or weird just the whole Navy life was becoming, she was always sort of like a safe harbor that could always be returned to. So I'd finally graduated from boot camp and was ordered to Florida for one year of schooling. And while I was down there, what started off as phone calls between the two of us turned into visits. She Would fly down on a Friday, we would go out, we would, we'd party on the beach, we'd have a blast. We'd rent jet skis, fun in the sun. And on Sunday, I would take her back to the airport, she'd fly off. And this was easily the most perfect relationship I'd ever been in. I went back home on leave for a quick little Christmas vacation break. And while I was there on New Year's Eve, I proposed to her, in which she gladly said yes, now. But in this time, I'd gotten orders. I had to go to Seoul, South Korea for one year. So the plan was, while I was overseas, I would send back money to put towards a joint wedding fund. She would stay back home and she would completely plan the wedding with help from her mother for one year. My time in Korea came to an end. I was going to fly home, get married, and enjoy 30 days of much needed vacation time. So, flew in, got into the airport, stepped off the plane, and as soon as I finally saw her, I could tell from her body stance that something was wrong. She was irritated. This was not somebody that was looking forward to seeing somebody else coming off a plane after a one year absence. This was irritation at its finest. This was four days before the wedding that I was arriving. So I had kind of thought to myself that maybe this was the stressful point. Here she was having spent a year doing all the work towards it, and here I was showing up at the last second. But it just didn't seem that she even wanted to take the time to explain to me me what was going on. And I would ask her, is there anything I can do? Is there anything I can help with? And they were quick, no, I've got it. Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. I woke up on my wedding day and every nerve in my body was firing, telling me not to go. We were riding in the limo to the wedding and the guys in my wedding party are all having a good time. They're already drinking, they don't care. And I'm just quietly thinking to myself, what is going on? Things are not meshing together. This doesn't feel good. And every time I turn to a friend and say, does this, you know, things seem really weird, Things seem off. And he was just, ah, don't worry about it. You just, you know, you're getting nervous, everything's gonna be fine by the end. And you know when your buddies tell you everything's gonna be fine, of course, you just go right along this Was definitely the big church Catholic wedding, all right. There was family and friends from all over the country. As soon as I stepped out of the limo, we were quickly moved off to a separate room in the church so that, you know, we wouldn't break the tradition of the bride and groom seeing each other before the wedding started. Me and my guy, bridal party, we're all standing there, off to the side. We quietly walk in from the side and just standing there and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. Everybody stood up. Because here comes the bride. And I'm thinking, here comes somebody that I don't think I've ever met before. And we exchanged vows, very hollow vows. And when it came time, for the first time kiss, I've had strangers give warmer handshakes. Then it was off to the wedding reception. A time for everybody to have fun. I mean, this was the part where everybody was involved. We had the family and the friends, the parents, bosses, people I'd never met before, but I was somehow related to, were at this wedding reception. But nobody noticing that the bride and the groom are standing on two completely different sides of the reception hall. I would try to walk over and say hi and maybe steal a kiss from the cheek. And I was almost pushed away. The only time you were going to see a bride and groom standing next to each other was on top of the cake. The second day of our marriage, I woke up and she said, well, you're gonna have to find something to do today. I said, what? She says, yeah, I already have plans. I'm going out with my friends. I'm sure you have something else you can do, so I'll just catch up with you later. On the third day, I'd finally had enough. This just wasn't right. So we were sitting there at her parents house having dinner, and she had reached past me once again as though I wasn't even sitting there. I pulled myself back, being made to feel like I was invading her personal space. And I said, that's enough. That is enough. We have to talk right now, please. And we went for a nice walk out in her parents backyard. And I said to her, what is going on? What is the problem here? The way you're treating me is not right. And she stopped and thought to herself for a moment. And she looked back at me and in almost an embarrassed whisper said, I don't know, but I need time alone to think about it. We decided it would be best for us to split apart for 24 hours so that we could each get our Heads straight and determine exactly what our next what we wanted our next move to be. But 24 hours later, we finally met up on neutral turf in a state park. And we sat on one of those long aluminum benches that swing and it overlooked onto a big hill. Finally, she turned and looked at me. And again, very softly, she said, I'm not ready for this. I don't want to be married. I remember she kept speaking. She was probably making a good case. I could see her lips moving. But all I kept thinking to myself is, how on earth did this happen? How am I gonna get out of it? By the time I finally snapped to and realized that she was still talking, she had ended with an even quieter, I'm sorry, this just has to end right now. Now it's been three days since our lovely wedding. Three days we've been together, and it's officially over. Time is of the essence here for me because I'm home on leave. I've only got 23, 24 more days. I don't have the time or the money to be going from New York state to South Carolina to be going through a divorce. Luckily, my dad knew a lawyer who knew a guy who knew another lawyer on his bowling team that would be able to take care of this divorce pretty quick and cheap. In fact, he said he would do it for the remaining money we had left in our joint wedding account. So the lawyer agreed to get everything started. And during this time, we still had the wedding gifts. I could care less what would happen with the gifts that were received from her side of the family or friends. What I knew was if you were at our wedding on my behalf or sitting on my side of the the church, you were going to get your gift back. Not only that, you were going to get a handwritten thank you note for coming and a face to face explanation of exactly what was going on. And as people were getting their thank you notes back and opening and they'd see the natural reaction was, oh my God, what's happening here? I would say, it's over. And they ask why? I'd say, I don't know, I don't know. It's just. It's over. And sometimes people's confusion would almost turn into doubt or even judgment of what did you do to specifically make this be over so quickly? And again, all I could say was, I don't know. In between my times of returning gifts, I still had to check in with our lawyer. So as I'm going there, he's showing me how this divorce is laid Out. And in New York State, there is no such thing as irreconcilable differences. In fact, the catch all at the very end, at this time was cruel and inhumane treatment. So there I was divorcing Adrian on the grounds of cruel and inhumane treatment. Adrian and I got together and we met in the lawyer's office. The lawyer had us both sit down. He handed us each our own copy, fresh off the printer, and handed us each a blue ballpoint pen and said, take your time and read through it thoroughly. If you have any questions, circle it, highlight it, make notes, and we will gladly go through it and give an answer. So I made sure I sat down and really started reading it. And as I'd finish a page, I would turn it. And I realized that Adrienne had turned hers at the same time, same thing. I read through page two, turn it, her page turns third page. I go through it quickly turn the page, she did too. And I realized she wasn't reading through this. She was not paying attention to what was going on. She just wanted to sign it and get on with her life. But that was it. It was done. I got my things together and moved on to my next duty station in Charleston, S.C. and a few weeks had passed after that. One day I look in the mailbox and I see a large manila envelope, and it was the finalized court approved divorce. And a few days after, after that, I'd gotten a phone call on my new cell phone. I grab it and I press talk. And there was Adrienne on the other end. I didn't even know how she'd gotten my number, but she said, what is going on with all of this? My mom was just reading through my copy of the divorce agreement. And it says here that you divorced me for crime and inhumane treatment. And I think this is a load of BS and actually I'm considering getting my own lawyer. And probably I pulled that phone away from my ear and I hung up. And I realized that I would never speak to her again. The fact that she wouldn't open up, the fact that I basically was left on my own to figure everything out, kind of left me scarred for a while. But luckily, I made some new friendships. And one night I met a fantastic woman whom I've now been married to for over 10 years, but my wife. Now, I think I've. What I've learned the most out of all this is if something does feel wrong, if something does feel slightly off, I will immediately confront her. I'll say, is everything cool? Is Everything okay? Is there anything you want to tell me? Sometimes she'll just say, no, I'm just mad at you because you're you. Or she'll say, everything's fine. I'm not gonna disappear three days from now. I'm here for the long haul. And sure, there will be times when I do start to make a dumb decision, and she'll be standing there over my shoulder saying, are you sure? Once you get to the end of it, if three days from now, that's exactly what you'd want to live with for the rest of your life. Usually she's right.
- [41:52]
Child 2
Oh, thank y' all so much. Okay. His name was Matt Harris. He was older, a senior when I was a mere sophomore attending Appalachian State University in Boone, North Carolina. The first time I said, set eyes on Matt, I was standing on the steps of Chapel Wilson Hall. And all of a sudden, a 1970s bright yellow Pontiac Thunderbird pulled right into a handicap zone. This guy was not disabled. Oh, no. He was clearly just breaking the law. Everything kind of turned to slow motion as he got out of his car. He was wearing a black leather jacket, and in his right hand, he was smoking a cigarette. And as he walked up the same steps I was standing on, I could see in his left hand he was holding the little ferret. And as his eyes met mine, he flicked his cigarette. They almost hit me in my eye, but flicked it into the bushes. And I knew right then and there that I had to have that guy with the ferret. You see, up until this point in my life, I'd only had two boyfriends, okay? Clay Anderson, who was the president of the high school marching band, and Matthew Crosby, who was my senior prom date, who would read me poetry and write me music, and we'd stay up really late and read to each other Shakespeare. It was very romantic. But, you know, the thing with these boys is that they were just too nice. Way too nice. Because all I ever wanted was a bad boy. Not like Darth Vader or anything, you know, more like Dylan from, like, 90210.
- [43:40]
Advertiser 4
Okay?
- [43:41]
Child 2
Yeah, ladies, you know what I'm talking about. You see, Matt Harris was this bad boy. We were in the exact same social circle, okay? We had the same friends. Friends. But Matt Harris, he never would speak to me, okay? He would watch me across the way at parties or in the hallway at school, I could see him watching me, and I knew he liked me. And it was kind of like, you know, in fifth grade when the boys would, like, be picking on you and I'd go home, and I'd tell my.
- [44:08]
Advertiser 2
Mama, the boys are picking on me.
- [44:11]
Child 2
And my mama would always just tell me, it's because they like you.
- [44:13]
Child 1
Right?
- [44:15]
Child 2
Mm. So I knew Matt. He wanted me just as badly as I wanted him. Okay? So I was gonna call him on this bluff. So one night at a party, after having lots of shots of raspberry Stoli, I went up to Matt and I started a conversation with him. Now, I don't remember what we talked about. No, no, no. But I do remember that we made out all night. And since that night, as most college relationships began, we became boyfriend and girlfriend. We started dating. Okay. But Matt, you know, he never took me on any of those traditional dates. No, no, no, no, no. He was just way too cool for that. Yeah, we would just drive around in his Pontiac Thunderbird with. With his ferret chainsaw, and we'd be listening to music. We wouldn't even have to have conversations with each other. No, no, no. We would. Would just have, like, the wind blowing in our hair. We were just that hip, you know? But, you know, driving around that Thunderbird, it wasn't like I had kind of imagined it. In my dreams, that thing broke down all the time. The roof leaked. My passenger side door wouldn't open. So he would make me crawl out the window sometimes or the other way. I would have to crawl over this stick shift and out his driver's side, and the car would fill with, like, the gasoline smell, and I thought I would pass out, but it was still totally worth it riding in that thing because I felt so fucking cool. And I was a virgin at the time. I was desperately trying to wait till marriage, but, you know, Matt and I, we just had this connection, a true connection. So I went out, I got myself some birth control, and I told Matt that in 30 days, we could do it. He was kind of pressuring me. He was kind of getting antsy, so I told him, just wait. Trust me. It's gonna be amazing. But in the meantime, I just gave him so many blowjobs anywhere. We would be out at a party, no, you want to blow junk, we be out hiking. You want a blowjob? You want a blowjob? Cause I know how to keep a man happy, you know? I'm about to tell you a little bit too much information, but I'm just gonna go for it. Take a risk. I personally, I don't. I don't like swallowing the pudding, if you know what I mean. I don't do that. But one time with Matt and Thunderbird I had some pudding, you guys. The very next day, I woke up in hives all over my body. My throat was itchy, it was starting to close up. I could barely breathe. So I left Matt and I was like dying. I went to the emergency room and the doctor looked at me and said, well, what have you eaten today? And I was so embarrassed. I couldn't tell. My hat had pudding. But I knew, I knew what was causing the reaction. I was allergic to Matt Harris. So when I told Matt that I was allergic to him, he actually got very, very angry with me. Like it was my fault or something. But I reassured him. I reassured him, you know, baby, baby, baby, we can do it. We're gonna do it in like 17 days. Don't you worry. It's gonna be amazing. Don't you worry, you know? So one night when I was sleeping over at his house, not sleeping with him, just sleeping, I woke up because I hit my head on something really hard inside his pillow. And as I reached in, I pulled out a black handgun. It was fully loaded. I could see the bullets were shining in the moonlight. Talk about romance. I'd never held a gun before. Certainly not one under my pillow. Fully loaded, owned by my boyfriend. So I looked at it and part of me was really turned on. Oh yeah, my badass, bad boyfriend has a gun and he likes to keep it under my pillow. That's so hot. And then part of me was absolutely terrified. So I put it quietly, snuck over, I put it in his dresser and kind of tried to forget about it. I never brought it up to him. I didn't really want to know the answer, why he had a loaded gun. He was from Kentucky. So I just kind of left it at that. So about eight weeks into this whirlwind of a romance, it was one of his roommate, Todd. It was his 21st birthday. Okay. You know, when somebody turns 21 in college, you know you gotta throw down, right? You gotta throw them the biggest party of hit in history. And so Matt and all his buddies had decided they were gonna throw this crazy rager at their house. And one, one that definitely would go down in history. One that nobody would ever forget. And I certainly would never forget it, because sometime during the party, Matt just disappeared. He just left. I don't know. Somebody said they thought they saw him wandering off into the parking lot. And somebody said they might have heard him back behind the house. Nobody knew really where Matt was until it was about 3 o' clock in the morning and the phone started ringing. We picked it up. And it was the police saying that they had Matt Harris down at the station for robbing a convenience store on Kings highway. And it would be $500 to bail him out. Okay, so we were all really, really poor college kids. $500 to bail my boyfriend out of jail. Should we bail him out of J jail? No, we should. We should. We should all get this money together and we should go bail him out. But. But at this point, there was about five of us left at the party. We were all shit faced, and especially Todd, the birthday boy. I looked over at him and he was wearing one of those, you know, the turtle floaty things that you put a baby in. I looked over at Todd and he had actually figured out a way to cram his little legs and between those holes. So he was wearing this turtle floaty thing, just passed out, drooling on himself on the couch. So we got Todd up, we got a sober neighbor to drive us around to all of our different banks to take out, you know, $100 here, $100 there. I took out $200 first. Then one of Matt's roommates, Hunter, he took out $100. My friend Andrea was there, bless her heart. She took out $100. And then there was Todd. Todd was still passed out. So it was kind of like a Weekend at Bernie's type of situation. We're just like flopping Todd down, you know, up into the atm. You know, I'm sure this is illegal, but we were like, hey, Todd, what's your ATM PIN number? And he told us one number that was not it. Todd, wake up. You gotta wake up. What's your PIN number? We gotta get a hundred dollars out. We try that, and finally $100 pop out. So we all get back in the car, stumbling, just drunk as all hell, and we drive off to the police station to pick up my boyfriend. Okay, so we give him the $500, and Matt comes out and he just walks right past me to his friends.
- [51:48]
Advertiser 2
Oh, yeah, man, that was so awesome.
- [51:50]
Child 2
Oh, my God, that was crazy. Yo. So they all get in the car, and what we find out in the car is that Matt did not have his gun with him, thank the Lord. But he did go into this convenience store and he grabbed a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a six pack of beer and ran the fuck out of there. Yeah, I'm so badass, you know, all the while a police car was parked in the parking lot and saw the whole damn thing, chased him, and he was like hiding under a car. They Dragged him out. So he had scratches all over himself. And so they dragged him out and that's how they caught him. That was the whole story of him robbing a convenience store. I was like, what the fuck is wrong with you, dude? But all of my friends were laughing about this story. Oh, my God, you're so, so funny. Oh, God. All the while I'm just sitting there, like, silently crying to myself because this is the guy that I had fantasized about. This is the guy that I thought was, like, gonna be the one. What the fuck? And I'll never forget, when we got back to his apartment, he went straight to his bedroom and closed the door. So I was standing there in the living room and looking at his friends like, do I go in there or like, do I just walk home? It's like almost 6 in the morning, but I'll go in there, I guess. I don't know. So I walk down the hall, I open the door and there's Matt just lying there all in his clothes, still in fetal position, looking like a fucking baby. So I stay in my clothes and I get kind of in the bed and. Are you okay? Nothing. Do you want to talk about it? Nothing. He remained silent for the entire night. When I woke up the next day, Matt was gone. Gone. I didn't know where he went. So I went. And Todd, the birthday boy, really still good friend of mine, walked me all the way back to my place. And all the while he. He was just reassuring me, you know, everything's gonna be fine with you and Matt. It's gonna be fine. You guys are great together. Great. You guys are great together. But we weren't. Because that night Matt called me. And in about a one minute conversation, he said, you know what? I don't think we're really good together. We're just too different of people. And that motherfucker broke. And as I hung up the phone, I felt so relieved. I was two days away from losing my virginity to this guy. I had just kind of set a date on my calendar and I'd said, yeah, this is gonna be the day. But I had all these signs that the universe was giving me to say, run, run. Don't sleep with this guy. I mean, I was allergic to his puddin. That, for the record, has never happened again. Thank you very much. He had a gun under his pillow and he just robbed a convenience store for a fucking bag of potato chips. I mean, come on. I was so relieved that I did not give Matt Harris my V card. I did, however, give Matt Harris $200 to bail him out of jail, which he still owes me to this day. What the fuck? Thank you all.
- [55:41]
Advertiser 2
It's time to jump in it's time to let go don't let the people think they know you they don't know you look around be taken by the them there's always more to you than there are.
- [56:09]
Kevin Allison
That is all for this week, folks. This is the Polyphonic Spree behind me. Now. That last story was recorded at the wonderful Theater 99 in Charleston, South Carolina. And our next episode will feature four more stories from those fabulous shows that we did in Charleston just in May just a few weeks ago. You can always learn more about the live shows we're doing at risk-show.com tour. You can follow us on Twitter and Facebook riskshow. You can follow me on Twitter hekevinalison to find out more about our workshops. Our storytelling workshops. Six weeks long, two days long, one day long storytelling for business. One on one coaching over Skype. Our video lecture course. It's all@thestorystudio.org if you have an extraordinary story or know someone who does, you can always check us out at the submissions page@risk-show.com or you can even write to me directly. At kevinrisk-show.com we are on the lookout for a business director. Someone with a ton of business savvy and a lot of entrepreneurial passion. Write to me@KevinRisk Show.com Other than that folks, today's the day. Take a.
- [57:44]
Advertiser 4
SA.
- [58:12]
Child 2
Star.