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- [00:00]
Kevin Allison
Hey folks, this is Kevin. On this week's episode of Risk youk'll hear Bailey Swilley.
- [00:06]
Damian Speranza
I don't know if any of you have had an ultrasound in your reproductive parts, but it is exactly like having sex with a robot.
- [00:14]
Kevin Allison
That and more. But first, I want to clear up some confusion about how our Patreon patrons at the tier that grants you access to the Ad Free episodes can actually subscribe to an Ad Free feed of the podcast. I mean, not just go to Patreon and listen to the Ad Free episodes there. I mean, you can actually plug a URL right into your regular podcast app and hear the Ad Free episodes that way. If you're one of our beloved Patreon patrons, we've got a pinned post there with instructions on how to do this. And if you're not supporting us on Patreon, well, that's just one more reason to do so.
- [00:59]
Kim Kurtz
We'll be right back.
- [01:01]
Damian Speranza
Holiday magic is in the air and DSW's got all the shoes to make your season extra merry. Believe you've got parties to attend and lists to check twice. So DSW is taking care of the details like gifts to make their eyes all aglow. Styles that bring joy to your world.
- [01:18]
Bailey Swilley
Brands everyone wants like Ugg, Nike, Birkenstock.
- [01:21]
Damian Speranza
And more, and deals to make your budget bright.
- [01:25]
Bailey Swilley
Find the perfect shoes for you and.
- [01:26]
Damian Speranza
Yours at a DSW store near you or dsw.com when you feel a cold.
- [01:32]
Kim Kurtz
Coming, shorten it with Zycam, the number one cold shortening brand.
- [01:37]
Kevin Allison
Oh no, your cold is coming.
- [01:39]
Kim Kurtz
Your cold is coming.
- [01:40]
Damian Speranza
Thanks Revere. I really should keep Zycam in the house.
- [01:44]
Ryan Broderick
Only if you want to shorten your cold.
- [01:47]
Kevin Allison
Take it from America's most revered messenger. Shorten your cold at the first sign with cold shortening products from Zycam, the number one cold shortening brand available in stores.
- [01:57]
Kim Kurtz
Or see where to buy@zycam.com.
- [02:01]
Damian Speranza
Why get.
- [02:02]
Bailey Swilley
All your holiday decorations delivered through Instacart? Because maybe you only bought two wreaths but you have 12 windows. Or maybe your toddler got very eager with the Advent calendar. Or maybe the inflatable snowman didn't make it through the snowstorm. Or maybe the twinkle lights aren't twinkling. Whatever the reason, this season, Instacart's here for hosts and their whole holiday haul. Get decorations from the Home Depot, CVS and more through Instacart and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders, service fees and term supply.
- [02:31]
Kevin Allison
Now here's the show. Hello folks, this is Risk the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and this is the Incredible Bongo Band behind me. Now you know Grandmaster Flash sampling the Incredible Bongo Band is considered a turning point that gave us hip hop, but it wasn't a sample of this song. Anyway, we're calling this week's episode live at Caveat for All the stories are from our New York City show last September and next September, New York City is where I will no longer reside. Over the Thanksgiving weekend, I finally made a decision that around about August or September of next year I will be moving to Bangkok, Thailand. It's something I've been thinking about for seven damn years and this past weekend I finally committed to the plan. Will we keep Risk running? Of course. In fact, I'm sure I'll find some folks with interesting stories over there that can share on Risk and we'll keep the story studio running. I'm sure I can find some businesses in Southeast Asia, maybe even Australia or New Zealand who'd be interested in a storytelling for business workshop taught by me. So I'm very excited to be embarking on a huge new adventure. I'm very grateful to have a staff that are so flexible and game to embrace the ever evolving circumstances through which this show just keeps getting made. If you, dear listener, know anyone over there in Thailand, reach out to me. I'll be visiting there in January and I want to meet lots of good folks over there. Now in a little bit we're going to hear from Kim Kurtz and Bailey Swilley. But to kick things off, a story from Damian Speranza. But you can find on Instagram @DamiansComedy. And here he is now with a story we call a Lesson in Perspective.
- [06:02]
Kim Kurtz
Sorry about the confusion everybody. Came down from Connecticut was three and a half hours, so still stretching the legs. All right, so this is like he says, my first story, telling me a little different for me. And I'm a comedian, so being vulnerable usually includes a lot of jokes. So we're going to try to dull that down a minute, see how it goes. If I cry, it is what it is. So at 30 years old, I'm in my car, I'm driving to Queens, music blasting, I'm singing NSYNC songs, I'm doing a lot of shoulder dancing in the car, having a great time, carefree, until my GPS tells me I am 1.5 miles away from my destination. And when I hear that, I'm immediately snapped back into reality. And I remember that I am on the way to have a very awkward and uncomfortable conversation with someone that I haven't seen or even really thought about in decades. I was on the way to see my father to give a little context so you guys can understand. When I was four years old, my mother, my little sister and I ran from my father, right? We ended up in New Jersey. As soon as we settled in, pretty quickly started to, like, phase out all memory of my father, right? Like, we didn't talk about him, we didn't talk about his family. She even changed our last name to hers. Basically, all evidence of our life before New Jersey was erased. It was like we had witness protection right? Now, despite the rough and dramatic start, I had a really good childhood, right? I didn't spend any time dwelling on the fact that my father wasn't around, which was easy to do for two reasons. First of all, my mom kind of set that tone and made that a thing. But the second thing was I developed this coping mechanism as a kid, which I didn't realize I did until later in life through therapy and shit. But what I would do was anytime something was going to make me feel, like, negative emotions, I would just block it out, push it aside and put all of my energy and attention into other things. So, like, as a kid, I would just dive into sports, girls, video games, you know, things like that. And it works so well that I still do it now as an adult, right? Which is not a great quality. I mean, you know, anybody that's been in any kind of relationship with me will tell you it's not fun to fucking deal with, right? But I'm working on it, right? You know, because now as an adult, like, when things stress me out, I shut down. And, you know, I still have a habit of, like, diving into comedy or work. It's because I don't. I don't like to sit in emotion, you know? And I do remember there was a time in high school that I tried it. You know, somebody had pointed out to me that I was half Puerto Rican, I didn't speak Spanish, and I barely knew anything about the culture, which was true. And that made me mad, right? I got angry. Like, not at the person, you know, but I was angry at my father because it's been all this time, and he never reached out, never tried to find me. And then I got angry at his family for the same reason as a kid. You don't rationalize the same way as you do when you're an adult, right? So I internalized all of that as like, what's wrong with me? Why don't they want to know me? Despite whatever my mom and my father had going on, was I that bad of a kid that as a unit, that whole Puerto Rican side was like, yeah, all right, we can do without this one. And when I sat with that, I felt the tears building up. And as it got to the point where they were about to come out, I snapped back to what I always do. I pushed it down, blocked it out, and then I went and played a basketball game. That's how I got through life, and that's how it worked for me. And it worked. And then I found out I was going to be a father. And I was excited. I was just looking forward to it, you know, Everybody there, I should say, not money. Most people, when they find out they're going to be a father, right, they get excited, they want to be good dads. And then there's some of us that want to be better fathers than ours were, right? Which for me, low bar, right? Like, I stick around five years, I'm winning. You know what I mean? Like, low bar. But what was really interesting, though, is I remember having this very specific train of thought when I found out I was gonna be a dad. I was excited, and I thought to myself, holy shit, this is wild. Like, I grew up without a dad, and now I'm gonna be a dad, right? Like, I didn't know my dad. I don't know his family. I don't know if there's medical issues or things I need to be concerned about that I could possibly pass along this life that I just created. And that weighed on me so heavy so fast that immediately in that moment, I decided I was gonna track my father down and I was gonna get answers. And that's how I ended up in the car, 30 years old, on my way to Queens, singing Bye Bye Bye. Now fast forward. So now I'm at his door, more nervous than I'd ever been in my entire life, because, like I just told you, I blocked shit out. So I drove that whole way with no plan, not thinking about anything. But now I'm here. The moment's arrived. So I started thinking about all the possibilities. What's going to happen? Is he going to hug me? Which is going to be fucking weird. Is he going to remember me? Is he going to recognize me? I mean, you guys have to remember that the last time he saw me, I was knee high, full head of hair, full Afro, right? Now, at this point, I'm 5 10, 260 pounds, bald. Okay? I mean, there's been a transition. So I powered through the nerves. I knocked on the door, and I hear a voice from the other side. Who is it? I said, it's Damien. He goes, who? And that pissed me off, right? Like, I know we haven't been in each other's lives, but you forgot my name. So then I said, it's your son. And I could hear him echo what I just said on the other side of the door. And he goes, my son. And he opened the door, and now we're looking at each other. And standing in front of me is the older version of me. Same eyes, same beauty marks, same build. Weird. And for a second, I froze. I didn't know what to say. So he started. And this is. Swear to God, this is true. First thing he said to me, what happened to your hair? Wild, right? So now I got defensive. So I look at him, and I go, it left me at a young age, like you did. Yeah. Rough start, right? But we made past that. We walk inside, we have a lot of surface conversation. You know, how you been? What have you been up to? That kind of shit, right? Cause he was caught off guard, too. And as I'm walking in the apartment, I'm looking around, and I'm seeing all these pictures on the wall of all these different people that I can only assume our family, which means they're somehow connected to me. And I don't know these people. They're all part of his life. He's got this whole backstory, and I don't know any of these people. He's got a wife that's there. She doesn't speak any English, so that was weird. Couldn't communicate. It was just. There was this whole other life that I had no idea about. So we continued the conversation. I got the answers I was looking for about my kid. Felt better now because my mom didn't talk about him. I didn't know a lot about my father growing up, but one of the things that I did know was that my father had been to prison. So I asked him. I was like, hey, can you fill me in on this prison thing? Right? Which I always do this when I ask uncomfortable questions. We gonna keep this baby? No.
- [13:51]
Unknown
Sorry.
- [13:53]
Kim Kurtz
I tried. I got uncomfortable. I felt a tear. So that's what happens. But so I did. I asked him to fill me in on this whole prison thing, right? And he goes, sure. Long story short, I tried to shoot a guy. Doesn't really feel like the kind of story you want to leave short, you know?
- [14:12]
Damian Speranza
What?
- [14:12]
Kim Kurtz
I mean, like, there's a lot of questions that come up, so I pushed further. I'm like, no, I need to know a little bit more. Like what happened? And he goes, well, I was out one day, I saw a guy across the street that I didn't like and I had a problem with, so I shot at him. Yeah. Skipped a couple of steps in the escalation scale. Right? Then he tells me that he missed and he went across the street for a better shot. Yeah. Now at this point, the comedian in me is like, I feel like I should be more mad, right? Cause like, he didn't stick around to raise me, but clearly he's capable of follow through, you know what I mean? Then he tells me that he walks up to the guy, puts the gun to the guy's head, pulls the trigger and the gun jams. So I look at him and I go, so the only reason you're not in jail for the rest of your life is because the gun malfunctioned. And very sincerely and with a serious tone, he looks at me and goes, yeah, I guess God was looking out for me that day. That is a wild way to look at that situation. Right? Like, if you believe in God and his existence and his interference in our life, I'm pretty sure he's not looking out for the guy with the gun. Right. But what's even more weird about that whole thing is when he said what he said, I had this like, I don't know how to explain this weird aha moment where he just gave me his first like, life lesson. And that was that life is about perspective. Right. Because two people were involved in that situation on very opposite sides, and they both walked away feeling like they were the lucky one. So it was a weird thing to not know this man and not being in our lives for so long and then learn something from him. So it made me push further. So I expressed to him what I was concerned about. And I said, look, it really bothers me that you never came to find me, that your family never came to find me. I don't understand why that was. And that's when he told me something that changed my perspective on my whole life. He said, you don't have the full story. He goes, your aunts, your grandmother, myself, we all tried to get ahold of you. We all reached out for years. We would send presents for birthdays, for Christmases, we would send cards for holidays, and your mom would always return them. So, yeah, we gave up. But it's because we felt like she would never let us be a part of your life. And I got mad. I was mad at my mother for never telling me. But the timing was weird because I was able to look at it with a different perspective. Because here's the thing. My mom, her perspective was she was protecting me from my father, my Puerto Rican side of my family. Their perspective was they gave it their best shot and were never going to be allowed to meet me. And my perspective was nobody was fighting for me. And I can say now today that I am so glad that I had that conversation and that I was wrong because now I have this wonderful family that I can't explain to you guys how grateful I am that they're in my lives and my kids lives. So like my father taught me, life's about perspective. Thank you guys. We'll be right back.
- [17:46]
Bailey Swilley
When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof, like Aloe Allbirds or Skims, sure, you think about a great product, a cool brand and brilliant marketing. But an often overlooked secret is actually the businesses behind the business making, selling and for shoppers, buying.
- [18:02]
Unknown
Simple.
- [18:04]
Bailey Swilley
For millions of businesses, that business is Shopify. Nobody does selling better than Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet. And the not so secret secret with shop pay that boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning way less carts going abandoned and way more sales going. So if you're into growing your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell whenever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web, in your store, in their feed and everywhere in between. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout experience as business powerhouses like Aloe, Allbirds and Skims. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period@shopify.com Odysseypodcast all lowercase go to shopify.com Odyssey podcast to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com Odysseypodcast do you feel like life.
- [18:54]
Ryan Broderick
Is completely out of control? And do you feel that way because you spend all day looking at the Internet? Do you see things in your various feeds and apps that are terrifying and or enraging? And do you often wonder if those things are even real in the first place? Well, I'm here to help. Sort of. My name is Ryan Broderick. I'm a journalist. I cover Internet culture and technology. I write a newsletter called Garbage Day and I have a brand new podcast called Panic World. Whether it's a moral panic about teenagers boiling chicken in nyquil and posting it to TikTok, or teenagers vaping Tide pods or Taylor Swift being a government psyop all of these conspiracy theories and more get put under the microscope on Panic World. I don't have solutions, but on my podcast Panic World, we can definitely. Well, we can laugh about it for sure. Listen to Panic World. It's a great show. Love it and I love you for listening to it. Panic World is available on all apps. Just type in Panic World into the box that those various interfaces have. Panic World. Listen to it.
- [19:54]
Unknown
It's good as we gather with loved ones this holiday season, consider how learning a new language can enhance your connections and enrich your experiences. What are your goals for the upcoming holiday season? Whether it's traveling internationally or connecting with family and friends, a new language can open doors to meaningful conversations and cultural appreciation. With that in mind, there's no better tool than Rosetta Stone, the most trusted language learning program available on desktop and mobile. Rosetta Stone immerses you in the language so you truly learn to think, speak and understand it naturally. With Rosetta Stone's intuitive approach, there are no English translations, you're fully immersed, and the built in True Accent feature acts like a personal accent coach, giving you real time feedback to make sure you sound just right. Don't put off learning that language. There's no better time than right now to get started. For a short time, listeners can get Rosetta Stone's Lifetime Membership Holiday Special. This offer will not last long. Visit rosettastone.com/10 that's unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your Holiday offer@RosettaStone.com Rs10 today for yourself or as a gift that keeps giving.
- [21:04]
Kevin Allison
This episode is brought to you by US Cellular. You shouldn't have to sacrifice a great experience to get a great deal. And U.S. cellular Prepaid agrees. Which is why right now you'll get a new Samsung Galaxy A15.5G for free without any hidden fees like the device activation fees you get with those other prepaid providers so you can use your free phone with US Cellular's nationwide 5G coverage to stay connected to the ones you love without having to make sacrifices. Terms apply. Visit us cellular.com for details.
- [21:33]
Damian Speranza
We're back.
- [21:46]
Kevin Allison
This is Risk. This is Kid Spatula behind me now. And we just heard from Damian Speranza, who's on Instagram @DamiansComedy. Folks, we are so moved. We're so excited about all of the incarcerated folks who are now listening to the show and sending me the most beautiful emails. One fella wrote me a poem about how much the show has meant to him. Another made an amazing hand drawing of the logo of the show and had all his buddies in prison sign the back of it saying the nicest things as well. These guys talk about how they feel the show has made them better people, that it's been a breakthrough for them and how they wish they had been able to hear it before. And so, you know, we just want them all to know we're thrilled about that and we're rooting for you guys. And that's another reason the show is so important to be supporting over on Patreon. Soon we're going to be adding some more online socials and story slams for our Patreon members and I'm sure I'll be recording a check in soon over there about all of my hopes and plans about moving to Thailand. Did you know though that you can give the gift of a Patreon membership to someone else? That's a great gift for the holidays. That's@patreon.com risk gift. And if you're not a member, please consider becoming one. And if you are, please consider upping the amount of your donation. It's all@patreon.com risk and if you want to make a one time donation, that's at paypal.me riskshow. Next up, going to hear first from Kim Kurtz. She was one of the audience members at that September live show at Caveat who volunteered to get up and share a five minute story improvised. And then we'll close with Bailey Swilley, who you can find@baileyswilley.com but first, here's Kim Kurtz with a story we call the Vampire Wizard.
- [24:27]
Unknown
Awesome. Hey, everybody. Okay, so I am single in New York and as anybody seen on Instagram, it has just been rated the worst city to be single in. So we're officially the worst city to date in. I'm going to give you a story of one of my dates that I went on here, this was probably like three years ago now, and went out with this guy to give you like just to paint the picture. He looked like Will Smith in the Fresh Prince. Like flat top, tank top, board shorts. This is how he shows up. And I'm like, dope. This is going to be super chill. We are going to like, it's like a paint and sip, but it's like boozy ice cream and painting. So all right, that's where we're starting. So we're painting, we're eating our ice cream, we're getting to know each other a little bit and chatting. Everything's fine. Everything's normal. I run into some other people I knew there. We're chatting with them and they think we're a couple. And I'm like, we'll just pretend we're leaving the paint and sip. And this is where I went wrong. I was like, why don't we get one more drink? And he's like, yes. So we're over in. We're by like 10th Avenue. And has anybody been to Rudy's, the bar? And you get free hot dogs. Okay, yes, we love a free hot dog. I have an alter ego named Glizzy Kim, and it's just me dressed as hot dogs going around the city. So I'm into this. And as I see this bar, I was like, oh, have you ever been here? You get a free hot dog with every drink. And he goes, oh, that's so us. And I was like, uh, oh, all right. We go in, get a drink and a hot dog. I like, bring to the table. And Gavin DeGraw is playing. And I was like, do you remember what show this is from? And he was like, no. And I was like, ah, One Tree Hill. Like, you know, come on, you're my peer. Like, you should know this. And he's like, I only watched Buffy. And I was like, okay, that's so specific. And he's like, because I identify as a vampire and a wizard. And I was like, what? So I was like, okay, go on. And so he starts telling me how he had this other girlfriend and at one point she bit him and he was bleeding and it turned him into a vampire. Then he goes, do you have a scent? And I was like, I don't know. And he was like, okay. And he puts his head here and he starts sniffing me. Just sm. Just. And I was like, I'm just paused. I'm just frozen at this point. And he was like, that was the most self control I've had. And I was like, to not bite me. And he was like, yeah, I wasn't gonna hit an artery. And I was like, the fact that, you know, that is what makes me pretty uncomfortable in this scenario. And he's like, no, it's fine. Then he takes my wrist and starts chewing on it. And I'm just sitting there like, I have literally no idea what to do at this point. I'm looking around like, does anybody see this? And like, I don't want to just freak out. Cause also, who are you? Are you gonna freak out at me? So I'm just letting him gnaw on my wrist for a While. And that ends. And then I was like, well, now I'm too invested. All right, what about the wizard part of this? We're only halfway through. And he's like, well, you know, this is how I know I'm a wizard. There's like conversations happening at the front of this bar. And like, I know they're happening, but like, they don't know I know it. And I was like, that's nothing. That's. That's just what's happening around us. Just people talking like, you don't know what they're talking about. This is nothing. This is no information. And again, I was like, I gotta land this plane gently, because I've got a vampire and a wizard that's willing to, like, you know, avoid arteries in public. So we finished the day. And I'm like, that was amazing. And we each have our paintings too, by the way, still of these big ice cream cones. So we're just walking down the street trying not to get paint on strangers. So then I leave and I get on the train and like, I'm riding and I like, run into a friend and he's like, how was your night? And I was like, really weird. And I'm like explaining it to it and he's like, kind of like, bullshit. And I was like, no, look. And I pulled my sleeve up and I had bite marks on my arm. And he was like, holy shit. And I was like, yeah, I don't know how else to describe it. I was bit by a vampire, but not an artery. Don't worry. And so that night ends and then the vampire wizard texts me again and was like, you know, that was so much fun. I think we should go out again. And I was like, respectfully, I'm going to decline because of the fact that you identify as a vampire and a wizard. And he goes, well, thanks for kind of being honest, I guess. And I was like, that is truly as honest as I know how to be, sir. Best of luck. And that was my story.
- [29:19]
Kevin Allison
Oh, my goodness. Let's hear it for Kim, everyone. That was fabulous. Yeah, I mean, you know, I guess things can get a little confusing consent wise when you're a vampire and a wizard. Okay, well. Well, I wanna bring our next storyteller to the stage. She hosts a show called we love a theme at Pete's Candy Store in Williamsburg and she recently took two shows to enberg Fringe. So big deal here. Let's hear it for Bailey. Sw.
- [30:10]
Damian Speranza
I have never wanted kids. Not when I was a kid and not now that I'M a baby. And look, this was never really a big deal. I kind of just coasted through life. Everybody accepted this fact about me until I got married. And at my wedding, all of my girlfriends at my wedding are like, when are you going to have kids? When are you going to do it? And I say to them, I'm not, I'm not. It's not going to happen. And they say, you've got to, you've just got to do it. And then my husband's friends, his guy friends are all like, hey, are you guys going to have kids? And he would say, no, I don't think so. And they'd be like, good, it's not fun. Don't do it. And so as it would turn out, it was just like, it did seem like my neighbors, my friends, my family, they all wanted me to have a baby. And I had no idea they felt this way about me. But the one person who felt the most passionately about this was my grandmother, my Taiwanese grandmother, my Ama. At the ceremony, you know, the rings are barely on, the vows have barely been said, and she is already crying tears down her face, just throwing an absolute tantrum, saying, you've got to do it. You've just got to do it. Why won't you do it? Do it for me. It's a personal attack that I will not have children. And so I let her have her moment at my wedding and I think, that's it. I'm like, okay, I made it through. That's it. And a few months later, I go visit my Taiwanese grandmother, Maya Ma, for Lunar New Year. At least I thought that's what I was visiting her for. I arrive and it becomes immediately clear that I have entered campaign central. She is working tirelessly to elect baby for a nine month term in my uterus. And so she's got all these tactics, and her first tactic is simply this. You're going to regret it. You're running out of time. You're going to regret it. Who's going to take care of you? And I look at her and I say, you know, you might be right. You know, I might regret it, but I can live with that. I go to bed, and the next night, for some reason, I put on RuPaul's Drag Race. And we sit down and we're watching RuPaul together. I'm relaxing, I'm like, no more baby talk. It's been a great day. And my ama looks at me and first she says, I think they're gay. I said, I think you're right. And then she looks at my engagement ring and she says, that's a really nice ring. And she's right. It is a really nice ring. And she says, where'd you get it? And she knows where I got it. And I say to her, it was my mother in law's ring. And so she says, well, if your mother in law can let you have such a nice ring, don't you think you owe her a baby? And so at this point, I just want to watch my drag queens, you know? And so I'm like. And I know I need to, like, respect my elders, right? But I just am like, amma, I can't. I'm just not. It's just not going to happen, okay? And so I turned the volume up on the tv. I'm watching, you know, them. I'm watching everybody lip sync for their lives. And I'm really hoping it's over. And it's not. And so my grandmother, she takes out her biggest piece of ammo that she has, and she is really digging deep. She knows this is her number one tactic. In the center of her living room, there is a shrine to my dead dad, her dead son. It's a shelf covered in tiny American flags and my dad's picture on the top. And she points at it and she says, he wants you to have kids. Just do it for him. And at that point, I don't know what to do besides just get up and walk away. And so I never had doubted myself until this point. I'm like, maybe she's right. And maybe there is a point she's trying to make. And so I do what anyone would. I start pouring over child free books, okay, Book. And I get obsessed with child Free TikTok. You know, I always kind of looked at Childfree TikTok in the past as sort of like, unnecessary, like a straight pride parade. Like, why do you need a community about just, like, not having kids, right? But then I realized, you know, as I felt kind of isolated and judged and misunderstood about this and. And so maybe there were people who felt that way like me, and maybe I needed to listen to them. And so I really enjoyed Childfree TikTok. For the most part. A lot of the people just felt the way I did. Like, it's just something they never wanted. They don't hate kids, but they just don't want to parent them. And so you're never going to believe this. The parents started infiltrating the hashtag childfreetiktok. And so they started talking Shit about all of us and being like, oh, you're shallow. And. And then it just started the cycle of self doubt all over again. As it would turn out at this time, I also need to get my IUD replaced. And so I go to my gynecologist. It's very routine. She takes some pliers and she yanks out my old iud and then she holds it to my face and I'm like, why are you doing that? And she's like, look, it's missing a piece. And I say to her, is that normal? And she says, no, it's only happened once and we never found the missing piece. And so I'm like, cool, cool, cool. And I leave her office and I go home and I think about the options she had given me. She told me that maybe she could give me the abortion pill and maybe it would fall out. There was also the possibility of a surgery. And the surgery would entail, like, if the piece of the IUD that was missing had lodged itself into my uterus, I would have to have it removed. And I read an article about, if you get this piece removed, it could puncture a hole in your uterus. And so when that happens, you may not ever physically be able to have your own children. And so when I read this, part of me was like, oh, well, if that's me, I should be relieved. Like, this is just being taken care of for me. I don't have to worry about it. I can tell my grandmother it's just not physically possible. But then I thought, wait, what if this is actually my punishment? What if I should have had kids and someone is punishing me for not wanting them? And then I started to feel like, no, no, no, I don't want them. And I'm relieved. And then I just feel guilty about being relieved. You see where this is going? There's just more self doubt all over again. But before I get ahead of myself, I have to go get an ultrasound. I don't know if any of you have had an ultrasound in your reproductive parts, but it is exactly like having sex with a robot. You're nodding, you know. So I go get that ultrasound and it's floating around, it's not lodged, so I can stop spiraling. Now I have to go see a specialist. So I go and see the specialist, I walk in, she gives me a gown, she kind of gives me a rundown. She's like, we're going to dilate you and we're going to go in there and we're going to get out that piece. I'm like, that sounds fabulous. Let's do it. And so I get my gown, I lay on the table. She leaves, she comes back. She's got a cart. She's got a technician with her. And on the cart is a bunch of prodding tools, a camera, a giant, giant plastic bag, like, elementary school lunch trash bag, you know? And there was a needle. And so there's a giant needle. And I'm already, like, starting to freak out, but I just let it. I just let them do their thing. So the duck lips come out, and the cranking begins, and the camera goes in, and the giant bag is underneath me, which is not a good. And then there's also a technician. I mentioned the technician was there. And she's pumping water in and out of me, in and out. And everything that's coming out is going into the bag. And the doctor says, we're ready to rock. I'm like, fabulous again. All right, let's do it. So she's got the camera in, and then she immediately says, oh, shit, we forgot the anesthetic. So I'm like, okay. She's like, let's. So that was the needle. She gets the needle out. Getting anesthetic in your cervix is not like the COVID shot. And she had warned me. She was like, hey, there's going to be some rushing. And I really didn't know what she meant by that, but I just kept saying, yes, you know, I've done a lot of improv. And I was like, okay, yes, let's do it. And so she says, there's going to be rushing. And there is. And immediately there is just like, my heart feels like. Like it's beating out of my chest. My whole body starts shaking. And she starts calling my name over and over and over. And she's like, bailey, how you doing? How you doing, Bailey? And I'm like, why is she yelling at me? And then she's like, oh, my God, we almost lost you for a second. You're very pale. So I'm having a fabulous time. So the rushing kind of stops, and I let the doctor do her thing. And she's got the camera in there, and she's digging, and she's looking around, and she's making this face. If you're listening, it's a grimacing, confused, menacing face that you never want to see your doctor make. She's just making this face, and I see her making that face, and then I notice that she keeps using this word over and over. She says, there's just so much gunk. I don't see it. There's just so much gunk inside of you. And so I'm letting her dig, and I'm watching her face, and then at a certain point, I realize she's not gonna find it. And I think she kind of, like, wants to cover herself for legal purposes. So she takes the screen she's looking at, and she brings it to my face so I can watch the gunk. I'm watching the gunk. I'm watching her face. And I wonder if after all of this, do I still want to get another iud? You know, I'm like, maybe this is my sign. Like, maybe my grandmother is right. Maybe I am meant to be a mother, and I just need to, like, not get another IUD and not put myself through this. And I begin telling myself that, and I look back at the doctor, and she's still making the face. And at that point, I'm like, I gotta get my phone out. I just need to, like, dissociate for a while. It's the holidays, and so my whole Instagram feed is full of people I went to high school with posing for Christmas photos with their children, and they're all wearing, like, red matching plaid with their husbands and then their children. And I'm looking at these photos, and I realize I never want to do that. I never want to dress my kids up for Christmas and take Christmas photos and post them on Instagram. I don't want to teach anybody how to drive. I don't want to help anybody with their homework. I don't want to tour colleges. I don't want to pay for college. I don't want to pay for private school. I don't ever want to go to the zoo on purpose. I don't want to watch anything on Disney. I don't want to ever see anything on ice. You know? So I'm realizing I don't want to do any of these things. I know that I could. I could easily do these things. I would be great at doing these things, but I don't want to do these things. And so I realize in that moment, what's happening to me really sucks. My guts are coming out. I'm so uncomfortable. I don't know if she's going to find the peace, but that's fine, you know? And I just have to accept where I am. I accept that I'm not going to be able to make my grandmother happy. I accept that I'm going to have these confusing feelings of judgment. I accept myself, essentially. And so I finally give into myself. I give into the process. I accept that maybe this plastic piece is just going to live inside of one of my organs for the rest of my life. And if you're a doctor, quit thinking about how dumb I am, okay? It's just what I think. And so I give in to the moment. And she says, hey, we didn't find it and we're just going to put in another one. And I think to myself, that's fine, whatever. Like, I would go through this four more times, honestly, if it means I don't have to have children. And so, fine. And I give up. I accept myself. I let it go. And as I let go, she says, aha, I found it. It came out with the gunk. Thank you all. So.
- [43:21]
Paul Simon
Slip sliding away slip sliding away? You know the nearer your destination the more you slip sliding away I know man he came from my hometown.
- [43:46]
Kim Kurtz
He.
- [43:47]
Paul Simon
Wore his passion for his woman like a thorny crown he said, dolores, I live in fear my love for you is so overpowering I'm afraid that I will disappear Slip sliding away slip sliding away? You know the nearer your destination the more you slip sliding away.
- [44:24]
Kevin Allison
This is Risk. This is Paul Simon behind me now. And we just heard from Bailey Swilley, who you can find at hey, Bailey on Instagram and TikTok. And before that, Kim Kurtz, who you can find at Vicariously through Kim on YouTube. Folks, we have our Black Lives Number 8 episode coming out in February. So if you have a story about your own experience as a black person, whatever kind of experience it might have been, pitch us at risk-show.com submissions. And on Thursday, we'll revisit a story by Aubrey O'Day, who is one of the many women who has accused P. Diddy of crimes. And so we hope Aubrey is doing well. It'll be great to hear her voice on the show again, but that's Thursday, and folks, today's the day. Take a risk.
- [45:31]
Paul Simon
Slip sliding away slip sliding away.
- [45:39]
Kim Kurtz
You.
- [45:40]
Paul Simon
Know the nearest destination always slip sliding.
- [45:44]
Kevin Allison
Away.
- [45:46]
Paul Simon
Slip sliding away slip sliding away you know the near your destination the more you slip sliding away.
- [46:52]
Kevin Allison
Hey, folks, there's so much more of risk in the holiday season. Risk is always publishing new episodes and new stories as well as holiday favorites. This holiday season, don't forget, click on Risk.