Camille Lohman (5:18)

Hey, y'. All. Hey. So the stripper would be arriving at around 8 o'.

Audience Member (5:23)

Clock.

Camille Lohman (5:25)

That's right. And for those of you who've ever been a bachelorette or a bridesmaid, you know that the strippers are hot, except when they come to your house. So there were about six of us, and we were all acquaintances. We kind of just had the common thread of the bride. And we were going to spend a couple hours together and then we were going to see a stripper who was going to show up at our house at 8 o'.

Audience Member (5:50)

Clock.

Camille Lohman (5:51)

Actually, it was a condo, which made it even better. Who doesn't like strippers and pastels? So we started to get to know each other a little bit more and we all realized we are all basically from, you know, small southern towns and we were raised like a families and we're all pretty proper ladies. One of them, some of them are a little more debutante than others. You know, one girl is like always crosses her legs at the ankles and never the knees. I'm probably the most wild one. As we kind of like start boozing and passing the Evan Williams. And I'm a little bit more open sexually. And I'm. I'm not saying that I'm crazy, but I mean, you can't have some of this without some repercussions. So even as a Southern girl and I left and lived in Chicago, in New York, and where I was living there, I could have had this kind of like, cloak of amenity from the city and I pretty much could have done anything I wanted. And I had some urges to, like, maybe I'll just, like, check out a sex party. I'll just, like, watch. I mean, I won't do anything. Or like, maybe I'LL have a threesome. Who knows? I'm not gay or straight. Who knows? But I didn't do any of that because something kept kind of reining me back in. I don't know if it was my sod or not. Brandon. So some of these girls are on the other spectrum. And so we're getting this stripper and one of the girls who's very debutante, I remember her saying, now do you think he can pull out his real huena? Like, will he pull out and put on us his real wiener? And I knew we were in trouble if she couldn't say cocker, dick or penis like it was a fifth grade wiener. And she said, he can't do that. Check the website. So we go onto the. We go onto the website and there's pretty much no information on the website. There's where the girl has put her credit card number in. She reserved a stripper. And it says, he'll be at your house. There's literally no other information. It's like skydiving in Guatemala. No contracts, no nothing. Just like, jump. But the one thing it did say was that he would arrive with his own music, his own boombox, a costume, and I quote, a great attitude. So we're all getting excited. We're like tweens at, you know, like, getting ready to watch Justin Bieber on TV or something. And all of a sudden there's a knock at the door and we all scream. We're literally. Oh, God, you get it. No, you get it. No, you get it. We'll all get it. So we all get and go to the door and we open it and there he is, Kevin, our stripper. Now, Kevin is a huge man. I would say he's about 65 and just like massive with a shaved bald head. I wouldn't say he's hot or terrible looking. If I were to liken him to a fictitious literary character, I would say Lenny. Probably from Of Mice and Men, right? He's attractive enough to like, fuck a farm girl who hadn't seen someone she was not related to in a long time. But he also had kind of a slow look in his eye that he could like, crush you to death if he hugged you too hard. So he's like, I just need you.

Audience Member (9:35)

To push play on my boombox and.

Camille Lohman (9:36)

Tell me where to change. So we let him, you know, we show him upstairs, and at this point I realize I'm not fucked up enough for what is gonna happen. So we passed around more Evan Williams, and he's up there for like, 20 minutes, which we don't know what he's doing. But we find out later that before you're gonna strip, guys, you watch porn to get hard, and then you put a cock ring on so it remains hard. If I'm making anybody uncomfortable, I don't care. And then they put, like, some potion on it to keep it hard.

Audience Member (10:08)

I don't know.

Camille Lohman (10:09)

It worked. So he yells down, says he's ready, pushes play. And what comes over his boombox is kind of like a scene from Full Metal Jacket. It's like, ew, maggots. I'll rip your head off and shit down your neck. This is my rifle and this is your gun. And then, like, patriotic music. And we're like. This seems aggressive. I was hoping for LL Cool J or maybe, like, Molly Cruel. I don't know.

Audience Member (10:37)

I'm old school.

Camille Lohman (10:38)

So down the steps he, like, marches and his. His official military, like, Marine outfit. And he's like, saluting. And he's got, like, four moves. He's like, kickball, change, step, like body rub, point. And it's a 60. It's a 60 minute. It's a 60 minute routine. In the first five minutes, he's almost completely naked except for his Snuggie. Now, this is what we've coined it. It is a small little sheath that goes over the penis and that has tassels at the end, which you can loosen to tempt everybody with your penile tip. So he's already got the bride lifting her up, throwing her around, and none of us are sexually excited at this point. I mean, it's. Come on, it's a stripper. It's kind of gimmicky. We're just having fun. But then I see him throw the bride up, and he literally throws her around. And we're worried she's gonna get decapitated by the ceiling fan. I'm afraid we should take down some seashell pictures. Like, it is getting real in there. And I start to think I'm kind of a heavy girl. And I bet he's gonna pick me up and throw me around. And when you're big boned and dense and you're a base, when you're normally a base on the cheerleading squad, you can start to feel, like, heavy. So I was starting to get a bit turned on thinking he's gonna throw me around and I'm gonna like it. And it was my turn. And before I knew it, he flipped me around and he was fake 69ing me, guys. He was giving me simulated oral sex. And I did not hate it. And I'm starting to question my past choices, my current choices, but I'm, like, not hating it. And there's a whole, like, five other girls sitting there watching. And I'm like, oh, maybe I am into group sex.

Audience Member (12:25)

I don't know what's happening to me.

Camille Lohman (12:27)

I mean, hurry, Emily Post. So. So then he puts me down, and I'm like, whoa, my lines of right and wrong are blurry. And then he goes over to another girl and lays her flat. And he's doing, like, this sexy worm. Well, he thinks it's sexy. He's doing, like, this sexy worm. And now his Snuggie's all the way tucked. All the way tucked under. He's like, literally just giant, hard pendulum wrecking ball cock.

Audience Member (12:52)

Just like.

Camille Lohman (12:53)

And his junk is right by her face. And so she gets like. She's, like, kind of playfully like. She's kind of like me. She's like, yeah, we'll have fun with it. And she's like, whoa. Oh.

Audience Member (13:07)

Goes right in her mouth.

Camille Lohman (13:12)

She doesn't. She doesn't scream. She doesn't bite down. He doesn't look like he's, like, not even saved by it. And I'm thinking, oh, okay. Like, maybe this is protocol. I don't know. So he, like, gets her up, throws her around, goes to the next girl, and she goes into the bathroom, takes the Evan Williams. She's rinsing her mouth out. And I'm like, what happened? And she's like, he put his dick in my mouth, and I let him. And I'm like, I know, but why?

Audience Member (13:39)

She was like, I don't know.

Camille Lohman (13:41)

It was instinct. Every time there's been a dick by my mouth, I put it in my mouth. Have you ever had a dick by your mouth? And I was like, you know what? I'm not saying I would have done it, but I understand it. Like, every time there has been a dick by my mouth that I can recall, I have put it in my mouth. So I like, okay. Well, you know, everything seems okay. Like, okay, she's going back in. Maybe. I think maybe it's Stockholm syndrome. I don't know. Like, she's back in it. And I'm like, okay.

Audience Member (14:16)

So.

Camille Lohman (14:17)

So mouth rape is okay for him, I guess. Although she didn't say no, but then again, her mouth was full. Hey, yo. So anyway, we go back in, and I'm like, this has got to be it, right? Like, we're on the train of nowhere. And then he turns and he's like, Are you ladies ready for the finale? And I'm like, I don't know. Am I? I don't know. And half of me. The half of it is like, hohner foot.

Audience Member (14:41)

Yo.

Camille Lohman (14:42)

Pull your jeans up and cool it. And then there's the other half of me is like, I'm fucking ready for it. And before I knew it, I have picked up a lot of 20s, and I'm fucking making it rain on it. And I'm like, you fucking make America proud. And you make the United States Marine Corps proud. You fucking use our fidelity. He's like, all right, so he straddles this chair, and he begins. Is slowly, deliberately masturbating very slowly. And he's holding eye contact, like, a little too long. And then he'll give, like, a wink. And I don't know if it's the special potion that has gotten in his eye from his penis, but we're all in a. We've gotten in this, like, creepy girl scout semicircle, and we're all like. And it's. It's literally like, that's it. I wonder if his manager was like, okay, Cyclone. That was his name because he could throw people up. And he did whip us into a sexual store. So I'm thinking his manager's like, okay, Cyclone. If they go for the mouth rape, then go straight for the awkward jerk off. Go get him, tiger. And so at this point, we are all like. We're all. We've all crossed the line. And then all of a sudden, the really. The debutante gets up and she marches upstairs. And I'm like, finally, finally, someone has drawn the line. We're going to separate the ladies with class for the sexual beasts that can't get enough. And before another thought could come into my mind, she came down with her camera and started taking close ups of the masturbating. So stripper, and she gets about six shots in, you know, and he's like, wait a second. You can take pictures, but no social media.

Audience Member (16:40)

I got a kid.

Camille Lohman (16:43)

And I'm trying to be an accountant. Within the next breath, he's like, I'm gonna come drip. I mean, we were ready for, like, Star Spangled Banner splooge. And, like, they're like, we're gonna miss our fights. Cause we're gonna be cleaning up jizz for days.

Audience Member (17:03)

There's gonna be jizz everywhere.

Camille Lohman (17:07)

And we were like, if you're, like, gonna bring it for America. And that's what happened. And so he's like. He's, like, cleaning himself up and, like, picking up his 20s and, like, scurrying around. And I'm like, yeah, you fucking whore. Pick your fucking dirty money up, you fucking dirty whore. That's how I felt. So, like, the lady, the debutante went. I don't even know if she went to the trip at all, because. Okay, so then he goes upstairs, he gets, like. Pulls himself together. The girl who got Mouth raped is, like, outside chain smoking. Then he comes downstairs, and one of the girls who couldn't look at him the whole time is like, so tell.

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Camille Lohman (17:47)

And then the girl who couldn't. Who could barely say wiener, is like. She's chewed through, like, five penis straws, and she's, like, looking at her. Her new photograph album. Oh, Lord. And, you know, after all of this, I definitely don't judge people as much as I used to. And I think that we all were leveled by this cyclone that came through our lives because I think a lot of us who maybe felt a little more empowered by our sexuality and some of us were maybe more shamed by it. I mean, I definitely felt it was odd that I could turn into one of those guys watching. I was basically like watching a girl dance with a cesarean scar at a strip club. That's how I felt like that dirty, dirty man. But regardless, I'm really glad I weathered the storm. Thank you.

Audience Member (18:48)

So be alone, ladies and gentlemen.

Camille Lohman (18:54)

W.

Kevin Allison (18:58)

That was so much fun. Our next storyteller, I'm so thrilled. He just. He's a New York storyteller, but just happens to be in town just chilling out, checking out the festival, and having some fun. So it's a thrill to have him here tonight. Please welcome to the stage, Mr. Nathaniel Bates.

Nathaniel Bates (19:29)

So some mornings in second grade, the first thing I would see was my dad's big adult penis. I had a paper route, so I had to get up really early. And nine times out of 10, I'd be up and out the door before my dad. But, you know, he'd have to come just to make sure that I didn't hit the alarm and oversleep. And I was their firstborn, so they were like aging hippies. And they were just about done being hippies when I was in second grade. So he was still sleeping naked. And the rare mornings that oversleep, he'd come into my bedroom and find me there, have to shake me, and I kind of like. And bam. Right at height level, my dad's big adult cock. Now, the shocking part of this was it looked completely different than my own penis. Not only was it Big, firm, and, like, adult. It had this, like, big red ball at the end, whereas mine looked like just kind of like a droopy elephant trunk. And I didn't know what to make of it. What I do know is my family, even though they were, had a little hippie phase. My parents will be born and will die. Wasps. We do not talk about our emotions. We don't say, I love you. We come from puritans that liked chairs that had really straight backs. We don't talk about sex. So even though I wanted to ask him, why is my penis look different than Dad's? I never did. What I did luckily find was I remember watching sitcoms after school. I particularly remember on watching Small Wonder, the girl with the robot. And if you read in lines in sitcoms, they kind of said things they weren't PC Allowed to say. But I remember there was an episode where Vicki the robot was wondering why the boy that they live with was, like, you know, getting facial hair. And it was because he was changing. His body was changing. Because Vicki was a robot. They'd explained that she wasn't gonna do that, but, you know, he was. And I kind of figured out I was like, a lot of the other sitcoms had that changing plot for these teens that were starting to get awkward. And I was like, ah, that'll be what happens when I hit a certain age. You know, that ball, I have the skin, and I can roll up and find that little ball that's in there that'll just, like, slowly come down when I hit that changing part. Cool. I don't need to bother my parents about it. That was until they enrolled me in swim class. And I remember the first time I was really bad at swimming, so I had to go to the YMCA to learn. And I just remember I was already scared about going to swim. And I walk into the locker room, and you hit with a wall of chlorine. And there, as far as the eye could see, were fathers and sons, some getting changed, some all shriveled from being in the pool. And their penises all looked like my dad's had this little rubbery ball at the end. And at that point, I was like, wait, I'm not. I'm not. I am a freak. My dad's the normal one. So I got the first time I did have to change the locker room, but from that point on, I would put on my bathing suit at home, and then I would just wrap a towel around and go right to my mom's car and never change the locker room. So now the kids had to see that my penis was all messed up. And luckily, my mom, you know, she was so busy just talking at us constantly about all life's details that, like, she never noticed that I was back in the back of the car dripping wet. She just didn't notice life's details because she was so busy with them. Now, I would go up in my room sometimes, and I thought, maybe I'm supposed to motivate this change. So I would sit in the room, my bedroom, sometimes when I was like, 8 or 9, and I would just roll the skin back and the little ball would come out, and I'd be great. But then it'd go and it'd pop back out, and I'd be like, maybe you just gotta keep. Keep doing it. Maybe. My parents didn't sit me down and tell me this. So I'd spend, like a half an hour right before bed just popping it out, boom, right back. And I was like, it's not working now. Finally, like, when I was in, like, fifth grade, I still didn't know. And I went to. Every summer I'd go to summer camp, and I'd always change in the stall in the morning so the kids didn't have to see that I was, like, weird and not like them, but, like, fifth grade. One or two of the kids had, like, probably had pubes. And because it's like, when bullying is sticking, they noticed I was, like, changing in the stall, and they kind of like, hey, I bet Bates doesn't have pubes. And then I was like, no, no, that's not it. Because, like, it was in it. I did not have pubes, but I was like, oh, that was the only problem down there. Oh, that would be amazing. But I was like, no, no, I've got. You guys don't need to worry about it. But then once you make it a thing, it kind of becomes a thing. So as the week of camp went on, it came more like, ah, you're changing the stall again. Change in the stall. So, like, by midweek, I started changing in the bunk room. But, like, get really close to the corner and, like, be like, kind of make a thing. Like, yeah, guys, I'm just changing with you. But, like, clearly removed myself as much as I possibly could. And then they kind of kept this build up in the bunk room. Like, we want to see what's going on. We want to see now, for some of the kids, it was bullying. And I do know there was, like, one or two of the kids who since have come Out. So for them, it must have been amazing. It's like, oh, my God, these guys want to see a cock. And we are allowed to, like, join in and see another. So for them, it was like the greatest moment. There was a free ticket to want to see a guy's penis. And I remember the last full day at camp. I'm changing the corner and I just feel a hand on my shoulder. And I get spun around and there's all the campers in my bunk, and they're kind of looking at me and they look down, they're all ready to laugh. And then they're just as puzzled by my junk as I am. And instead of getting ready to laugh that there's no hair, which again, there was no hair at the time, they're just. And we drop it. Ned does not get spoke again the rest of the time at camp. And again it was church camp. I did not go back after that. My brother and sister kept going and they kept. Became counselors there. But that was my end of that camp. Now, finally, in seventh grade, you have health class. Everyone's kind of excited for health class because it's the first time you're allowed to all talk and learn about sex. But then everyone's also kind of nervous because you're gonna, like, see overhead projections of ovaries and really the like, not cool part of sex. And everyone's also all hopped up on hormones, so everyone's kind of bipolar, semicirc grade messes anyway. And I just remember we're one day there and I'm feeling awkward and half, like, titillated that I'm there and half awkward. And I'm probably, like, looking at the girl in front of me, seeing if I can see up the side arm of her thing and see if she's wearing a bra yet or not. I'm just half paying attention. And then the teacher is at the overhead projector. He puts the slide on. And there on the screen, there I am.

Camille Lohman (26:07)

He.

Nathaniel Bates (26:08)

He goes, now this is a slide of an uncircumcised male penis. And I'm like, that's me. I'm uncircumcised. What the hell is that to myself? And he goes, most men are born. All men are born this way. But because of disease tradition from Europe and other religious things, it's pretty common to cut the foreskin off. Only 8% of American males have a penis that actually still has foreskin. It's very common, though nowadays in Europe. Some people aren't doing it because it might hurt. The kids, which fits with my aging parent. Hippies like, you know, didn't want to hurt the baby. And he goes, there's more nerve endings in there, so their sex is actually better. And that point in my head I'm like, oh yeah, that's great. And then he says also, you got to watch out because they got to clean more in there because some diseases can get in there. And in my head I'm like, oh, my parents probably should have told me to clean in there. But I'm still, I'm feeling good. I'm finally feeling like I'm. I know what I am. Until I start walking at the girls faces and they're all like, ew, that's weird. And I hear one girl going, I bet it tastes like pee. And I'm looking around, I'm like, no, no, no, no, this is. And then we're leaving. I'm starting to feel like maybe this now that I know what I am. And I even hear the guys go, I'm glad mine doesn't look like that. That's really weird. So in like one health class, I like finally knew what I was and it was a weird pea tasting European dick guy. I didn't know what to do. Luckily I did. Everyone is some level of depression in middle school. And add that to the mix, I kind of decided took upon myself, how can I keep girls from seeing my penis gain £100? I promise you, if you don't want anyone to see your private parts gain £100, it works every time. So most of high school I didn't have to worry about if a girl was gonna try to see it. Cause there was no chance. And it was just kind of there under my high school fat body. And I do remember though, we got AOL at the time and I started looking online for porn. And if 8% of Americans are uncircumcised, 0.0001% of porn actors are uncircumcised. They all have like big nice, throbbing, veiny cocks. Not like some dangly elephant trunk where semen just drips out of. So like I felt dejected and like I started gravitating towards lesbian porn because at least I didn't feel weird about it. And like once or twice I tried typing in like uncircumcised. But you just get gay sites if you search, it's the only people that are into it. There's no females that have a secret love for it. So I always wondered if my dad saw my search history and Again, we don't talk about sex, but he's like, why is my 14 year old son looking at gay uncircumcised porn? But. So one thing led to another. It was time to pick colleges. And I was like, on the fence and between two, but one was nyu. And I looked there and they had their own bathrooms. You didn't have to share it with the floor. And if there was a deciding factor, that was it. There was no chance anyone was gonna see my junk. And then in nyu, I kind of gotten into a pseudo relationship of a girl who was a devout virgin. And I was starting to lose weight. But, like, if you're fat and dating a devout virgin, you can just cut it off. There's no reason it's not gonna get played with. So I was like, putting up walls for myself so that no one would have to see it. But then finally, I'd lost a lot of weight. We had kind of. Me and the pseudo virgin had broken up. And I was still not a pseudo virgin. I was a full virgin. And I was, you know, drinking with friends and at this girl's apartment, and we're all pretty drunk, and somehow I realized we paired off. And, like, it doesn't really happen to me. I'm 21 at this point point. And I'm like, paired off with this girl and we're making out, and then my hand's on her boob and her shirt comes off and my hands, like, on her real boob, and then I have, like, my fingers up her skirt. We're making out, and then she tries to go for my zipper. And you know that thing like when you're in a hall and you both go right and then you both go left and you kind of get annoyed where you're blocking each other. I went into that. I was like, she's not getting down there. Like, no, no, no, you don't need to do that. I'll go down on you. No, no, Billy. Finally, she pushes me back and she goes, what's going on here? Just get the pants off. I kind of stand up. I'm sheepish. I'm like, hey, I don't want to ruin this. I don't know why I'm trying to save it because the annual. At some point, these pants have to come off either two months from now or three months from now. I kind of get up, I take the pants off, but I keep my underwear on. I sit back down. She goes, what the hell? Get the underwear off. And I stand up and I'm like, It's kind of, it's a little weird. And I just drop them. And I'm expecting to look up and just see her repulsed. And instead she has a puzzled look on her face for about one second, reaches up, pushes the skin back just a little, then lets go. The ball pops right back out. She kind of giggles and she goes, that's fun. I've never seen one before. And then she puts it in her mouth and like two seconds, I came. Thank you.

Kevin Allison (31:37)

Nathaniel Bates, everyone.

Camille Lohman (31:41)

We'll be right back.

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Audience Member (33:13)

We're back.

Kevin Allison (33:16)

All righty. All righty, all righty. Our next storyteller told a story for us at our last Risk show here in Charleston. And it was such a joy that I wanted to have her back. She told a story about how she fell on top of and nearly crushed her gynecologist, got his face completely smothered in her boobs. And it was quite a crowd pleaser and a good time. And then she topped it off by singing A song by singing Summertime. So you never know what's going to happen When Sean Kennedy comes up on stage, she is a stand up. You can find her on Twitter eancene. And that's O n Kennedy. And she does stand up at this is Chucktown right here at Theater 99 as well. So please welcome to the stage the fabulous Sean Kennedy.

Audience Member (34:24)

Hi guys. So I'm driving home for Christmas and it's about 6:30, I'm on I95, going home, there's nothing, you know, And I see a dog and he's looking at me. I'm looking at him, I don't know where he came from. I'm like, this dog is gonna run out in front of my car. And he absolutely did. So he runs out in front of my car, I hear it crinkle, crack, everything. I freak the fuck out. Like, I'm in my car like.

Camille Lohman (35:07)

You.

Audience Member (35:07)

Know, and so then I hear this guy like banging on the window. And he's like, are you all right? Are you all right? I was like, you know, whatever you think a redneck is, that's what this guy was, okay? He's got the tattoos, stringy hair, the hat. He had a tooth every now and then, like the whole, the whole thing. So I was like, yeah, I'm all right. And I was like, I should probably let down the window. So I was like, I killed the dog. I killed the dog. He's like, baby girl, don't you worry about that goddamn dog. That dog committed suicide. I don't know where that fucker even came from. If you had swerved, you would have killed yourself. If you slammed on brakes, you would have killed all of us. You did the right thing. So that made me feel a little better, but not much. It's like, let's check out your car. So we open my hood and it's just spewing everything everywhere. And I'm like, oh my God. And he's like, I'll follow you to, to the next exit. You can call somebody, come pick you up. It's like, okay. So we go to the next exit. I call my family, you know, they're expecting me and they all freak the fuck out. You know, my dad calls, my brother calls, my uncle who calls my other uncle, who's kind of sort of a mechanic, and they all come pick me up, you know, like they're like an hour and a half away. So I go back over to this guy and I'm like, sir, you know, thank you so much. I just, I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't stopped? Because I was really just freaking the fuck out, you know. And he's like, baby girl, I ain't going nowhere. You still cryin and shaking like a fucking leaf on a tree. I mean, son of a bitch, if I left you out here by yourself like that on Christmas morning. Plus, I was just sitting here rolling this joint, so I was going to finish that anyway for our list. So I look at this man and then my exact words were, please, sir, may I have some? And he's like, hell yeah, get on in here. So I'm sitting on the Santee exit off 95 in a 1978 Thunderbird that's gray with burgundy interior, with a guy who, if I saw on the street, I'd probably cross the fucking street. He's rolling a joint and I'm about to smoke it, and I'm just like, you know, see what happens? You know. So I get inside. Meanwhile, his windows are used to be black and now they're kind of purplish, whatever. So he finishes the joint and he starts smoking. So I'm like, where are you from? You know? So he tells me his life story, and I don't know what, he considers a fortune, but he's like, you know, I've had a fortune, I've lost a fortune, now live in a trailer park, sell a little bit of drugs, just, you know, some black guys in different trailer parks, you know. You know, I really don't trust black people, but you seem kind of cool. I was like, well, thank you, sir. As a redneck, you are pretty awesome as well. I was like, I got this one friend, one black friend, his name's Tony. I think he's the only black person I've ever let in my house. I don't know. So he starts telling me, like all these stories. He's like, yeah, you know, I sell a little weight and, you know, you can make meth anywhere, some cocaine, not too much here. Just making a living, you know. Just making a living. And my wife, she got in this real bad accident. So she basically has a steel spine, which means, like, she's always in pain. So she gets 160 oxycontin a month. Well, she don't take it all because she smokes a lot of weed. So she sells her OxyContin. That's just to make her some little money inside, you know. Do you have some drugs in the car? Go ahead and get that out the way. Probably should go ahead and tell you that. You know, and at that point I was like, I don't fucking care. You know? I don't. So we're still smoking, like, I don't know how many joints we smoked. We're like, I'm sharing his Mountain Dew. I probably have hepatitis, you know, I get a cotton milk. I'm like, hey, how's that? He's like, sure, yeah, probably gonna drop dead. Anyway, so he starts telling me these stories about, like, how drug deals go bad, and, you know, how he's been shot and he's been stabbed and, like, you know, you wait two weeks and you're talking to this person to set up a drug deal, and you don't know, like, you know, if they're going to kill you or take your drugs or kill you and take your drugs, or if they just really want to make a drug deal, you know? And he's like, yeah. And it's like, spent the night in my car a couple times. And, you know, I mean, I've been in jail, got out of jail, went back to jail, you know, And Tony was apparently one of the guys who helped take care of his wife while he was in jail, the black guy. So that's why, I guess he trusted him and let him in his house. But. But he's like, nay, my wife's brother's the big drug. Damn. I'm listening to all these stories about, like, the police and running and, you know, fleeing and getting shot and stabbed, and I'm, like, fascinated. And I just started bawling like I was crying my eyes out. And he's like, what's wrong? I was like, my life is so fucking boring. No one's ever tried to kill me. No one's ever tried to take my drugs. I did everything right. I went to school. I got good grades. I went to school. Fucking Ken. I got good grades.

Nathaniel Bates (41:59)

I went to school of fucking ghost.

Audience Member (42:01)

Again and got good grades. And then I got a job that I fucking hate. So I get another job that I also fucking hate. So I get another job that I also fucking hate. And I leave the fucking job that I hate, and I go to my one bedroom apartment with no dog, no cat, no house plan. I'm the only fucking thing living in my apartment, okay? I don't have any boyfriends. I don't have any prospects. I don't have any sex in a year and a half. Do you know how long that is? It's a long fucking time and a lot of fucking batteries, okay? I'm that girl. Like, I'm not Gonna go somewhere, you know, for the weekend without someplace to stay, you know, Like, I don't do that. I did marijuana and, you know, in college, everybody did. But I never do cocaine because, oh, my God, it's cocaine, you know. You know, why even fucking call this, like a life? You know? Like, it's just. It doesn't make any sense. I take care of my parents, I take care of my siblings. I'm a good fucking person. I say please and fucking thank you all the goddamn time. And I fucking hate it. I hate it. I should have died just then. It was a waste of a fucking life. He's like, all right, come on back, come on back, come on back. He's like, here, smoke this. And it was something like a skull or something, but it made me feel better. So I was like, this was a sign. This was supposed to happen. I was supposed to get in this accident and I was supposed to. Supposed to be you. And you know what? From now on, everything in my life is gonna be different. If I wanna do something, I'm gonna fucking do it. If I don't like somebody. And you know what? I don't fucking like you. If I like somebody, I'm gonna be like, you know what? I like you. Why don't you come back to my one bedroom apartment where I'm the only thing I'm living. Let's hang out for a little bit, you know? I'm like, if I want to go somewhere, I'm gonna go, you know, I'm gonna take chances. Cause what's the worst thing that can happen? I could die. That's gonna fucking happen anyway. I could go to jail. You've been to jail. Seems like you're doing all right. I mean, what's the big fucking deal, you know? So my brother calls and he's like 10 minutes away. And so the guy leaves and he gives me a gigantic bag of weed. Like, a gigantic bag of weed and a handful of OxyContin. Because he said I was gonna be sore the next day, you know, and he was right.

Camille Lohman (44:51)

Absolutely.

Audience Member (44:53)

So my brother gets here and I'm just like, telling him. I was like, oh, my God, I just met this guy. And he was so cool. He's kind of sort of redneck and his wife is steal fucking spine. But you know what? I'm gonna live the rest of my life, and I'm gonna do what I wanna do. If I don't like some man, be like, fuck you. You know what? And I just think it was meant to be that I got in this accident. That could have been Jesus. You don't know, okay? You don't know. So meanwhile, I have no proof that this van ever existed other than and weed and oxycontin, which I could have gotten from anywhere. So to this day, I don't know if my brother thinks I'm absolutely fucking insane. But it turned out to be a pretty good day. So there you go, Sam. The sunset.

Kevin Allison (47:06)

That's all for this episode, folks. This is Nona Phoenix behind me. Now, the links to the websites for the storytellers and the musicians are at risk-show.com Listen, remember, if you pass through Charleston, you gotta go to www.theatre99.com. That's theater with an re at the end. Check out all the wonderful stuff they're doing there. If you live in Charleston, keep following us because we plan on being back hopefully in January. Remember, anyone can take coaching sessions with me online through thestorystudio.org I can help teach you how to create your own storytelling show. I can coach you on shaping and deepening your own storytelling. And we have a ton of other educational opportunities there too. Video lecture series, corporate training. That's thestorystudio.org as you know, we are always searching for emotionally loaded, revealing stories. If you have one, or if you know someone who does, check out the submissions page@risk-show.com or just write to me directly at kevinrisk-show.com stories about murder, addiction, profound instances of love and forgiveness, incarceration, surviving disasters, heinous crimes, outrageous fortune, war stories, suicidal situations, breaking taboos, dealing with grieving. Don't be shy. Reach out to us at kevinrisk-show.com Other than that, folks, today's the day. Take a risk.

Camille Lohman (49:11)

What happened? And she was like, he put his dick in my mouth and I let him. And I'm like, I know, but why? Because he was like, I don't know. It was instinct. Every time there's been a dick by my mouth, I put it in my mouth.

Audience Member (49:24)

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows. Everything. That's right.

Camille Lohman (49:28)

Wonderful is what I feel. Wonderful is what I feel. Wonderful is what I feel Wonderful is what I feel.

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