David (3:56)

Foreign.

Ethan (4:03)

Hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. This week, an episode that premiered in January of 2013. It's an episode we call Live from Charleston.

Bobby (4:56)

La.

Ethan (5:23)

Hello kids, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison. This is Funk Ferret behind me now. So just last weekend Risk went to Charleston, South Carolina. Now we'd never been to Charleston. I'd never been to the south to perform before at all. And you know, people say that folks in the south are more closed minded. I didn't know how the show was going to go over there. I just didn't know. And we were in this huge auditorium. The first people I see entering are elderly. They look like these grumpy elderly people in their 70s, especially this one couple sat in the very front row. And I thought, oh my God. Because I knew we had our typical, X rated, you know, crime filled stories coming for the evening. And I thought, oh my God, these people are not going to be able to take this. So I didn't look at them. I did not make eye contact with these people throughout the whole show. But the crowd, as you'll be able to hear, was just delightful. And then when the entire audience had filed out and you know, we're all packed up and I'm ready to leave, I walk out on stage and that old couple is still sitting there in the front row. They were waiting. The old lady nudged her husband. She's like, there he is, there he is. And their eyes were all bright. The husband looked at me, he held both his palms to his heart and he said, we just want to thank you for being who you are and doing what you do. I was so moved by that. The city of Charleston could not have been more beautiful than and more receptive to our two Risk shows down there. We cannot wait to get back. It's just great to see that no matter how, I don't know, filthy or disgraceful, some of the stories on this show can seem at times, a lot of people find that it's a good thing. And we have a lot of good things to share with you from our time in Charleston. Now I have a little warning. The second show was almost completely lost. The recording, we had some malfunctions. We're gonna have everyone who performed that night back on again as soon as possible. In a little bit we're gonna hear from the hilarious Vic Henley, a performer from down there originally, but before that, my dear friend Mr. Michael Ian Black, who actually ended the shows down there. But what the hell? We're gonna take things out of order here with a story we call the Pleased.

Frank (8:27)

I was watching the Lance Armstrong interview with Oprah yesterday, and first of all, maybe I'm naive. I still don't think he doped. But I was watching that interview and thinking to myself, like I think most people were thinking to themselves, you know, that guy's a fucking scumbag, because he is. He's just a scummy guy. And he was talking about the idea of winning at any cost. And I'm thinking, I would never do that. And then of course, upon reflecting on that, I'm like, oh, I've done that. And I'm going to tell you the story of me doing that. It largely, almost exclusively, takes place in High school. And I hated high school. Everybody hated high school. You hated high school. I know you did. You wouldn't be here if you didn't. Because this event is for cool people. So because I hated high school, I wanted to rebel, you know, the way you do when you're in high school. And the only way that I could think to rebel was to start a band, you know, that seemed like a good, rebellious thing to do. And the way you start a band in high school is you go, all right, who plays guitar? Jeff plays guitar. Jeff's in the band. John plays drums. He's in the band. And Tim plays bass. He's in the band. And I don't play anything. So I'll sing. I'm in the band. So it was really me and Tim. It was our sort of idea. And Tim is one of these guys that I have surrounded myself with periodically in my life. And I always feel bad about myself when I do, because Tim was really cool and really good looking and in really good shape and really punk rock. And I would just turn invisible when I was next to Tim. Nobody could see me when I was with Tim, but. Because all attention was on him. But I liked him. I liked being with him. He was cool. He was teaching me how to be cool. And he had the punk rock thing in a way that I didn't. And the first thing you do when you start a band is you think of a name. And because we were going to be a punk rock band, we needed a punk rock name. And there were good examples to choose from at that time. And we could have gone in that direction, we could have gone offensive. We could have gone disgusting like the Dead Kennedys or the Dayglo Abortions or Millions of Dead Cops, all of which were real bands at that time. But we didn't go offensive. We didn't go disgusting. We went subtle. This is the name that I chose for our band, the Pleased. Do you get it? Do you get the irony? Cause we weren't pleased. We were pissed off. And do you know what we were pissed off at? Society, Motherfuckers. Society. So now that we had the name, we had to start figuring out how to be a band and had to learn songs. And we practiced at John the Drummer's house. John's drums were set up in the living room of his house. And you would think, like, that would be a real eyesore in a house. But if your parents are hoarders, then you don't even really notice the drums. They just kind of disappear. So it Made it very convenient for us to practice there and store our gear there, because nobody even noticed that we were there. And our first show was a battle of the bands at a local high school. We went there and we won. We played Melt with you by Modern English, but punk rock. And when you do that, man, that is a real panty throw right there. Panties flying through space every time I sang that song. Our second show was at the winter party at our high school. We were scheduled to play for two hours. We knew five songs and we played those songs and we took it very seriously. It was the only thing in my high school life that was giving me any joy at all. And I felt like I belonged to something. It felt cool. It felt, for lack of a better word, alive. Unlike the rest of my life, which did not feel that way at that time. And it was a very serious enterprise and a serious undertaking. And we started writing our own songs. And then once you do that, you think, well, we have to record an album. So we decided to do that. And back then you couldn't just hook up your computer and play your instruments and have an album. You had to go to a proper recording studio. But it was going to cost us like $10,000 to do that. And obviously none of us had that money. But fortunately for us, John's dad was affiliated with the Mafia. So he just had cash in his bedroom drawer that John knew about. So John stole $10,000 from his mafia connected father. And we took that to the recording studio and recorded our demo. Now, if there were any justice in the world, the end of that story would be the mob would come and find us. But I don't think they ever found out because they didn't. So we took the album around and we would drive to record companies. Literally. There was a record company called Metal Force Records in New Jersey. And we would just take our cassette there and go, will you please listen to this and give us a record deal? And they said, we'll listen to it. And we never heard from them. But right next door to New Jersey, where I grew up, of course, is New York City. And in New York City is the spiritual home of punk rock and roll. No longer there, called CBGBs. And we thought to ourselves, well, once you've played CBGBs, you've made it. But there's no possible way we could play CBGB's because that's where real bands play. Professional bands, as it happens, you can play CBGB's whenever you want. Because on Monday nights they have something Called Audition Night. And what you do is you call CBGBs and you say, I'd like to audition. And they say, fine, bring a lot of people. That way you'll be more likely to pass the audition. Great. We're scheduled for three weeks from then. We've got our demo, we've got our band. And we're noticing now, as we're getting more professional, that Tim, our bass player, who is really the most punk rock of all of us, really doesn't know how to play the bass. He's just not a good bass player, even a little bit, and gets mad when you point out to him that he doesn't know how to play the bass. But he's so punk rock. Need I remind you that Sid Vicious of the Sex Pistols also played the bass. Also didn't play the bass, but we all know Sid Vicious. And Tim informed our entire look for the band, you know. And this is post Ramones, pre Nirvana. So punk had kind of died out in the cultural landscape and there was nobody really doing this except for a few hardcore bands out there. And so we didn't really know how to look. So we kind of settled on trying to look as much like Ducky from Pretty in Pink as we could. Seemed like the closest to a punk rock icon that we could find. And that was less punk rock and more just kind of accessorizing is really what it was. Just sort of pajama pants and buttons and Madonna bracelets, basically is what we were wearing. But somehow Tim pulled it off. Tim just looked tough and angry, but he couldn't play his instrument. And this was becoming a problem. I don't know why it was becoming a problem, except that we decided it was becoming a problem. The CB show comes, we bring all of our fans to CBs. We get vans and we drive them to New York City. Every single fan we have. So easily seven people show up at 4:00 in the afternoon for a 5:00 show on a Monday afternoon. That's when punk rock really burns, you know, that's when it really comes alive. Walk in there. It was a tiny little place. It was like a little cavern. Black bumper stickers all over the walls. Gum. Stage was falling apart, you know, it was disgusting. And you would hear that sound, you know, followed by cursing and the sound of fists connecting with flesh and. And I loved it. I mean, it was amazing. It was amazing to be there in that space and there was a band playing when we walked in, we kind of sauntered through, you know, 16 years old and 85 pounds, you know, just fuck you, you know, walking in and got my pajama pants on and my.

David (20:26)

Beret.

Frank (20:30)

Eating your pungra. Wait till you hear my cover of 99 red balloons, fucker. You know, so now it's our turn. That band's done. Go up on stage, fucking, you know, sing my little heart out, you know, I'll stop the world. I met with you, but with a slight British thing, because the dude who sang it was British. You know, you've seen the difference. And it's getting better all the time. Slam dancing, you know, by yourself, you know, it's just you on stage, so you kind of have to. Feeling very, very good about our audition. We're done in 15 minutes because that's all you get. Pile back into the vans, drive back to New Jersey. Remember looking at Tim over there, you know, while we were playing, and he's just rocking out on the bass, not even sure, not even sure if the bass was plugged in. That's how ineffective he was as a bass player. And we get back to New Jersey and then we wait, we wait to hear if we've passed the audition. And I don't know, it was never explained to us exactly what we would get if we passed the audition. In my mind what happens is they call and they say, you passed the audition. You're going on the road with Black Flag tomorrow. Pack accordingly. But they never call. And finally I call them one day and I'm like, hey, we're the pleased. I pause, thinking they're gonna go, oh, fuck yeah, fuck yeah, we mean to call you. How soon can you get on the.

Bobby (22:51)

Road.

Frank (22:54)

With millions of dead cops and then say, well, we played at your audition night a couple of weeks ago and we haven't heard. Did we pass? It never occurs to me that the guy on the other end is like a 19 year old, either fucking college dropout or more likely a philosophy major still in college, who doesn't know anything about anything, just works the door. It never occurs to me that there is no audition, that they just need people to come in on Mondays when it's slow. And the reason they tell you to bring as many people as you can is so they'll buy drinks and so they'll make a little money on a Monday. That never occurs to me because I'm naive. That naive part of me that still believes in Lance Armstrong. So I wait that beat and then I say, you know, we were here. Did we pass? And he goes, yeah, you passed. Click. And at First I'm elated.

Ethan (24:15)

And I.

Frank (24:16)

Go, guys, we passed. And they're looking at me like, okay, great, what's next? And then it slowly dawns on me that we didn't pass anything. And rather than blame myself for my own stupidity and I have a Taylor, my thoughts turned to Tim, who is such a shitty bass player that he cost us the audition at CBGB's. Now we're all seniors, we're all going.

Ethan (24:53)

To go to college.

Frank (24:54)

This band is going to end. But we've got the summer ahead of us. We've got our demo tape and fuck, who knows, you know? Maybe one of the majors will come calling and sign us up and we won't have to go to college. And so I start conspiring with Jeff and John to kick Tim out of the band. Tim, whose idea it was to start the band, who is the only legitimate punk among us. I blame him for fucking us up. And finally one day we sit down with Tim and we say, tim, you're out of the band. And he can't believe it. He's stunned and he's heartbroken, as he should be. I'm his best friend.

David (25:55)

But.

Frank (25:59)

This is rock and roll, man. You know, you gotta win at any cost. Tim is our peak best. Tim is our Dave Mustaine, Metallica fans. He's gotta go. He says, fuck you. He takes his bass, he storms out. We bring in a sophomore who looks like Scooter from the Muppets, but he can play the shit out of that bass. Eight weeks later, I leave for college. We're no longer a band. Kicking Tim out of that band haunted me for years. It was one of the worst things I'd ever done as a human being, because there were literally. There was literally no reason to do it. There was no chance that anything was ever going to happen with the pleased. But still, I had to fuck up my relationship with this guy who, for a brief shining moment in high school, made me cool. Years go by, years go by, Facebook comes along. Who gets in touch with me? Tim. Hey, man, what's going on? We should get together. Long time no here. I'm still in Jersey. I feel, you know, terrible. I'm like, yeah, definitely. Let's get together. We get together, we have lunch in the city. Guess what Tim does for a living? He's the lead singer of a rock and roll fucking punk band. Tim, alone among all of us, all of us that I have ever known, and I knew hundreds of punk rockers when I was in high school. Tim, at 37, is doing exactly what Tim was doing at 17. Tim is a fucking punk rocker. He won. Thank you guys very much.

Bobby (29:07)

We'll be right back.

Alex (29:09)

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Ethan (29:42)

What'S.

Frank (29:43)

The best time of day to get a deal?

Ethan (29:44)

All day with Jack in the Box's all day.

Frank (29:47)

Big deal meal. You get to choose from four entrees like the supreme croissant and five tasty.

Ethan (29:52)

Sides plus a drink starting at $5.

Frank (29:56)

So hurry in or take your time. You've got all day at Jack.

Ethan (30:00)

Every bite's a big deal.

Catherine (30:04)

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Ethan (31:12)

Did you ever wonder what it's like.

Frank (31:14)

To live alone, hidden in the woods.

Ethan (31:17)

Not speaking to a single soul for 30 years? Or wander the desert, uncover a hidden.

Bobby (31:24)

Well and dive to the bottom of.

Ethan (31:26)

The deepest water hole for 2,000 miles?

Frank (31:30)

The snap Judgment podcast takes you there.

Ethan (31:32)

With amazing stories told by the people who live them with an original soundscape that drops you Directly into their shoes.

David (31:40)

Snap judgment.

Frank (31:41)

Listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcast.

David (31:51)

We are back.

Bobby (31:53)

All right. My story is about when I was a criminal. And yeah, I was only a criminal once in my life for a long period of time. And really this is when I was. I was a criminal for about four months. And it was my senior year in college, okay? And I could have graduated in the summer. I only needed one class to graduate. But I went to Auburn University and we're a big football school and my brothers played football there. I don't give a fuck at all, sir. I don't care. I didn't open up the floor for a fucking pep rally. I don't give a shit at all. Blow me. Fuck you and your team, whoever you're pulling for. I don't give a shit. One goddamn ditch. All right? So that's the danger of saying your university in the South. Nowhere else on the planet does anyone give a shit. But you say your football team and this table. Fucking pep rally breaks out in nine seconds. So. And 99% of them didn't go to fucking any of those colleges. They went to Walmart and bought a T shirt. That's where they went. So. But I digress. I was a senior. I was going to graduate. I wanted to go back for one more football season. I could have taken the one class during the summer and finished up, but I'm like, no, I'm going to go home, I'll work, I'll come back. I'll go September, I'll graduate in December and that'll be it. So working my summer job with my older brother. He's 12 years older than I am, and I already knew I was only going to take one class in the fall. I only needed the one class. One class was Monday and Wednesday, So I only had to go to school two days a week from 1 to 3. I had Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Free to wreak havoc on anything and everything. So working my summer job with my older brother, he said, God, you're only taking the one class. You ought to do something. I'm like, well, I have my part time job. And he goes, yeah, but you need to. He goes, I know what you ought to do. I got a friend of mine who's a bookie. I'll take you to meet him and get him to put you through bookie school. There's no such thing, but we called it that. There's no actual. And so. And then he can teach you how to run a bookmaking operation. Because the Southern Guys being football crazy as we just exhibited here, everybody wants to bet. And they're not necessarily all high roller gamblers. Mainly they're guys in a frat. They're frat guys. They're about 50 guys in a frat. They all just want to bet 20 bucks so they can say to their buddy, hey, I picked Clemson or I picked the Cox, or I picked Auburn or Alabama, blah blah blah. But 50 guys, 20 bucks ahead, that's thousand dollars on the line. And if there's 30 fraternities at Auburn, that's about 30 grand in play right there. And you're not even dealing with any kind of crazy high risk gambling. You're only dealing with, like I said, 20 bucks, 40 bucks, things like that. So my brother takes me over to meet his bookie friend and we go to the guy's house and he supposedly has won this house from someone else. This is how. This is an old school guy that's like been to prison and shit, who's had like, he's at the wall of TVs. It's like right out of a movie smoking cigars. There's horse racing, there's boxing, there's highlight, there's cockfighting, there's shit that didn't even before cable. This is like closed circuit. They're piping shit in from the planet earth. So I spend the afternoon with a guy and he tells me the whole thing. And he shows me about moving the point spreads. And he basically puts me through bookie school in an afternoon. And he tells me I can call him if I ever need any help. I finish my summer job, I go back to college, I call a buddy of mine, he was really big in the frat world. He knew a guy in every frat. And I'm like, instead of having like, you know, 900 guys call us every week, why don't we just put a guy in each frat and we'll let him collect all the money and then we'll give him a kickback for whatever he brings us. And that way we'll deal with 20 or 30 people instead of a thousand people. And my buddy's like, great idea, I'll handle that angle. So off we're rolling, right? So we take our very first round of bets. And within the first week, we realized why Las Vegas is on the map. Everybody loses. Everybody loses. Way more people losing gambling than when these casinos wouldn't be billion dollar properties if everybody was kicking their ass. So within the first week we make like two grand. We make like $2,000 right off the bat. So this is $1,000 each. And so now I am on my way to being 21 years old with a class two days a week and a grand a week in my pocket in Auburn, Alabama. You can't fucking spend that. You can't. We tried, believe me rule. We believe that because we were sort of doing something illegal that ill gotten gains had to be blown. So we decided to be really flamboyant with the money. So like on my birthday in a restaurant in Auburn, Alabama, there was Don Perry on the menu and we ordered a bottle and the waitress came back and goes, we don't have it. I'm like, what do you mean? It's right there on the menu. She goes, well, never had it. Cuz we're in Auburn. Nobody has this kind of money. Nobody's going to order this. He just wanted to look cool and have it on the menu. No one's ever ordered it. It's never been in stock here. We're like, well fuck so. And one of the main reason we were doing this is because the state law in Alabama at the time, the first time they call you for any kind of gambling ring, it could be a multi million dollar operation, it could be a $300 operation. It didn't matter if it was your first offense, $35 misdemeanor fine. So you're at no risk at all. Basically. Basically there's no stop, quit. So it doesn't matter. It's literally a slap on the wrist. So. So we tried to buy the dome. That didn't work. We're taking everybody we know to lunch. We're blowing money. My buddy bought a Rolex. He's 20, he bought a Rolex, he's got a Rolex in Auburn, Alabama. Everybody thinks it's fake because it's real. It's totally real. He had the money, but nobody knew. And so the one thing that sort of, that did work with blowing all the cash is we went in a bar. There's one honky tonk bar in Auburn and where they play where you can see a live band and it's a big place, seats about four or 500 people. And we knew the owner, the guy's name was Mad Dog and it's called the War Eagle Supper Club. And so we're in the War Eagle Supper Club one night, fat city with cash, as we were. We're about eight, nine weeks into it now. So we're sitting on about 19 or 20 grand. Yeah. In my closet, in a sock, in my closet. Tamarack Apartments in Auburn, Alabama, for anybody. And so my partner looks at me and he goes, let's do the Old west thing. When we're in the honky tonk. And I'm. What do you mean, the Old west thing? He goes, let's do a round for the house. And I'm like, okay, go find Mad Dog. We go find Mad Dog. We're like, mad Dog, how much about everybody in here a drink? And he's like, God damn, Henley. There's a lot of people. $900. I'm like, I got that. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Hand him 900 bucks. The band stops, he takes us both on stage and go ride the drinks on these two. And rings a bell. Oh, yeah. My buddy who had never gotten laid, got laid all the time during that fall semester. So we're rolling along, we just think we're bulletproof, and it's great. We're blowing the money, we're having a lot of fun. And then all of a sudden, we get a guy about, about eight or nine weeks in, and he wants to play big. Instead of 20, $30, this guy wants to spend 100 bucks, 500 bucks. He really wants to play. Like I said, we're sitting on 20 grand this time. So we're like, we'll let him play. We'll see whatever happens. And over the first couple of weeks, he wins pretty good. He wins a couple thousand dollars. We probably had to pay the guy, but again, everybody else is losing. We don't care. So week three, he decides to go huge. He bets all these games and he just loses his ass. As good as it's gone for him, he's down 2500. He's lost on the pro games on Sunday, he's going to do the crazy thing that the gamblers do. He's going to double up on Monday Night Football. He's going to go $2,500 on the Monday night game to try to get back to zero or be down 5,000. All right, so. And a lot of money was going on that game. And one of the things I learned in bookie school is when all the money goes somewhere, if it keeps going in this direction, you got to start moving the points up to get people to bet the other way. So the guy goes, well, it's a nine point spread. I'm like, yeah, but if you're betting 2500, I'm going to make it an 11 point spread. He goes, what's I'm. Hey, I'm the bookie. There's no way. There's no call cops if you don't like it. So it's a 10th game. I move the spread to 11. They lose by 10. I get five grand. He's down five grand only because I moved the spread so he doesn't want to pay me. And he's really. He's like, I'm not paying you. And I'm like, fine, I'll just turn you into my bosses. And it's. There's no bosses. It's just me and the other jackass. But he does not know this. I'm like, look, I work for some very evil people in Birmingham, Alabama, and I'll be happy to turn over your name, address, and if they come whip your ass, I don't care. I'm just saying, you're not screwing me. It's your own legs. You're going to get broken.

David (40:03)

So.

Bobby (40:05)

So he. He comes over and he begrudgingly, you know, writes me a check for, like, half of it and tells me I'll be back in a couple of days with the rest of it. So I put the check in the bank. He doesn't come back for a few days. I can't find him. I think he's going home. I call his family. I find out where he's from. I call his house. I've got his mother on the phone. I'm like, your son is in a lot of trouble. She's like, yeah, we were wondering why he came home in the middle of the week. And I'm like, again, I work for some really ugly, horrible people that, like, are in jail and hurt people and break legs. And they have your address. They might come to your house. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I'm just saying, not my fault. Take it up with him. And so he's immediately back at school. He brings me the other 2,500. I got the money in the bank. It's all good. He's still grousing about the whole thing. He's really upset. I let the checks out the bank for four or five days to make sure they're going to not bounce, and they didn't. I call the bank, I get a clearance, and I'm like, I put those checks in, like, a week ago. They're like, totally fine. I take all the money out because I liked it in my sock with its other cash friends. I did not want that money in the bank. I wanted it in my boot where it belongs. So very next day, the bank calls me. They're like, hey, you took that money out too soon. Those checks bounced. And I'm like, what? You just told me yesterday they were clear. They're like, no, no, no. And that's called check kiting, and that's a felony. You got to bring the money back or we're sending the law on you. And I'm like, I don't have the money. They're like, you took it out yesterday. We're in Auburn, Alabama. You can't spend five grand in a day. This is 84. Crack wasn't big yet. So I tell them, I don't have the money. You're gonna have to send the law after me. I don't know what's gonna happen.

David (41:34)

I.

Bobby (41:35)

Friend of mine's an attorney, and he's like, look, once the bank told you that it was okay, the check's cleared, you're fine. Don't worry about it. The guy's just trying to bluff you. He's covering his ass because some bookkeeper made a mistake. And I'm like, fine, whatever. I don't really care. And so I'm sitting. But now I'm really scared. I'm really worried that the cops are coming get me. I don't know what's going to happen. I got the money. I figured. I just. I just picked her. A bust with everybody coming in, and they find my sock money, and we're all in jail, and I'm not going to graduate, and four years of school and prison and jail and anything that goes bad with that. And so I start thinking, well, God damn it, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'll. I'll go into hiding. That's what I'll do. I'll go into hiding. So I go over, and a friend of mine was staying. He had. He had a mobile home, a trailer. And I go, can I crash with you for a couple days? And he's like, sure. So the next day, after I'd been there one day, I go outside. There's the. That owes me the money. He's in the trailer next to me, and he looks at me and he's like. And I get him. And I'm.

David (42:27)

Like.

Bobby (42:28)

And he's. I go, those checks bounce. He goes, I know, God damn it, I wasn't going to pay you. And I'm like, well, somebody's going to whip your ass. Then I understand it may not be me. He goes, any bigger than I am. He goes, well, what are you going to do? I'm like, I'm not going to do nothing. I'm going to. First of all, I'm going to wait and see if I'm going to jail. Then if I'm not going to jail, your ass is getting whipped. I don't care. And so I waited it out about a week. Nobody came after me. I figured it was all good. The bank had sort of all blew over. It was fine. Found a friend of mine on the football team who later spent four years playing defensive end for the Green Bay Packers. And I sent over. I sent him over there to interview our friend. That bouncing checks, paid him 300 to hold him by his feet over his balcony and threatened to drop him on his head in the goddamn parking lot. Yeah, that's not the funny part. And. And scared. He's like, are you ever gonna really know if you're gonna pay your debts? And da da, da, da. This, that, and the other. And so. So even though I got the money after that threat, the guy came back over and gave me like, here, look, if I give you another 500, we'll just not send the large black men to my house to threaten me anymore. And I'm like, fine, I'll do that. You're off the hook. And so basically, we just ruined the guy's life for no reason. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. I really did. I totally had a great time being a crooked goddamn criminal for no reason. And the cherry on top of this little Sunday of a story. Two years go by, and like I said, the kid had to drop out of school that year because his family was angry about him and the money and everything. So he had to sit out a year. He came back two years later. I was at a football game with my former partner in the bookie business, and we were at a frat party watching the band play. And we see him over on the lawn over here with a date, just enjoying the band. And my buddy, who was in the fraternity at the time, he goes, there he is. Oh, my God, there he is. He goes, we should get his ass whipped. I'm like, dude, it's been two years. Really? He's like, no, fuck that guy. You don't bet if you can't pay. So because he was in that frat, he went and found some pledges, some new guys that were pledging the fraternity who have to do whatever the older guys tell them to do. And they're like, go beat the out of that guy over there. And they did. And as he was laying there on the lawn in a heap, me and the Other guy walked up, went, how you doing, brother? Good to see you. And I had never been happier being crooked. That's it. Thanks.

Ethan (45:20)

This is Risk. This is a group called Battles, featuring Matias Aguayo here. And we just heard from Vic Henley. You can find him at V I C H E N L E Y dot com. I heard Vic tell some other stories down there in Charleston at some other shows, and we are definitely gonna have him back. He is a funny, funny man. So a lot of people were very thankful for. For our time in Charleston, most especially Brandy Sullivan and Greg tavares from Theater 99. They've created a beautiful comedy community down there, and they run one hell of a festival. Just a bit, we're gonna hear from the always hilarious young comic Mr. Adam Newman. But before that, we had the delight of meeting this other comedian from down there in the Charleston area. Her name is Sean. Find her on Twitter. Shon Kennedy. And here she is now with a story we call Legends of the Fall.

Grace (46:43)

Hi. Hi. Anybody want to guess who has the vagina story? Shocking. So I had my first pap smear when I was 17 because I was going off to college and I wanted to be on birthday control because I heard people had sex in college, and since I had not had any high school, I thought college was definitely going to happen for me. Right. Full disclosure, I didn't actually have sex until I was 23. Yeah, see, yeah, that. That.

Bobby (47:22)

That.

Grace (47:22)

That little. That's what you get, right? 17, 18.

Ethan (47:27)

Good for you.

Grace (47:29)

Saving yourself. Yeah. 19, 20. You know, you're a little picky. Probably focusing on school. That's okay. 20, 21. Maybe she had, like, a bad sexual experience when she was a child. You know, like whispering stuff. 23.

Frank (47:50)

Yeah.

Grace (47:50)

Your friends just think you have ash burgers and you just don't do sex. You know, like, my friends just like, oh, yeah, hey, this is Sean. She doesn't have sex. Kind of sort of standing right here. I'm just saying. So I insisted on a female gynecologist because they know what's going on down there, you know, and that's cool. Until I reached the world's most enthusiastic female gynecologist. I call her Vagina Sunshine. Like, she was just absolutely amazing. She's like, okay, I'm gonna let you know everything that's going on down here. So y'all feel a little tense. I'm just gonna need you to calm down. Nothing to be afraid of. I've done this a million times. Okay. Lubricant's gonna be A little cold. Okay. All right. So we do the little.

Catherine (48:50)

Told ya.

Grace (48:54)

So she's gonna step by step. Okay, well, everything looks good down here. Good, good. Not a lot of hair down there.

Frank (49:03)

Good, good. Okay.

Grace (49:07)

Everything's nice and pink and. Okay. And goose. Mr. Speculoman, look at that ceramic. Well, that is the cutest service I have ever seen. It's like a pink little donut. It's perfect. Do you want to see it? No. Not even a little bit. I want to get off this fucking table, you know? She's like, I'll go get a mirror. So she's gone for like two minutes, which is like nine days, when you're like, you can't fucking move, you know? And she comes back to this mirror and she's like, see, isn't that a cute little cervix? And I'm looking at the cervix and it's pink and it looks like a donut. And I'm like, that's cute. And I'm looking at everything else and I'm like, that is a fucking disaster. Okay, like, what is all. Ew. Oh, no. I just shouldn't be happening down there. Anyway, so I said, okay. I was talking to my friend Stacy and I was like, oh, I got my appointment. You know, whatever, it's coming up. I insisted on a male doctor who was just like in, out, you know, really formal. And my friend Stacy's like, why do you hate going? There's nothing wrong with you, you know, like, you have cauliflower growing down there and shit. You're just going in for your life, you know, you're yearly appointment because you have to go. And I was like, huh? I didn't think about that. And she's like, two weeks ago, we had a lady who came in with the worst case of herpes we have ever seen, you know, and she sits on the table, opens her legs. Like, I thought it was a reaction to my fabric softener. Are you using uranium for your fabric softener? So I go in and I see my male doctor and, you know, his nurse comes in. She's like this middle aged black woman, you know, really thick Charleston accent, She's kind of bigger, she's really nice. Doctor comes in, he's all business. I'm like, sweet, you know, and the first thing he said to me was, you know, we're doing the exam. And he goes, has your right breast always been that much larger than your left? Well, I don't know. Like, I hope this shit didn't happen in the elevator. Like I'm not sure, you know, Like I didn't measure them as they were growing, you know, but thanks. Now I think I have a gigantic fucking tumor. But, you know, good for you, you know? So we do the exam, he's all business and we're done. Sweet. No problems. And he says, stand up. I was like, well, that seems a little weird, but you know, I didn't go to medical school. I was gonna fall out, right? So I go to stand up. Turns out what he said was, slide up. Like slide back up on the table. Yeah. So you know that thing that you step up on when you get up on the table? That wasn't there because that's where he was. So I stand up or I go to stand up and I'm falling and I have that feeling like I'm fucking falling, you know? And I'm like, ah. By the way, if you're ever falling, I don't know why they do this in movies. This does nothing to help you, okay? It just makes you look stupid while you're falling, okay? And so he looks up and he's like, what the fuck are you doing? He didn't say that, but that's what he looked like he said. And I'm like still falling. So I am screaming, I'm like, ah. And so I fall on him because he's the closest, you know, And I got. I know, this is horrible. I cried for two days. Anyway, so like, I'm naked from here down. I got on that funny looking jacket that only comes to right here, you know, And I'm falling and I hit him in the head and this boob, like the big one was like, hit him in the mouth and he's like, you know, So I still don't feel the floor, okay? Like I am still on him. And he's like trying to push me, I guess. And I'm like, ow.

Frank (53:53)

Cause it hurt.

Grace (53:55)

So I was like, wait, wait, wait, there's a nurse in here, you know. So I look over at the nurse to like, help me. This bitch is cracking the fuck up. Like, she's like, oh my God, you know? So a Good Samaritan nurse hears the commotion. And I actually just thought about this on the way here before she came in, she knocked on the door and I was like, if I heard that shook, I would walk in, right? I wouldn't go coming in. What's up? This screaming about, you know, I was like, really? So she comes in and all she sees is me with my boob in the doctor's Mouth, right? This bitch like been over in the corner. Like I had neutralized her, you know, so I could have my way with the doctor, right? This bitch is like, I'm a generously portioned woman. I get that, okay? This bitch grabbed me and slammed me back on the table like I was olive oil, okay? So now I'm screaming like, get off me.

Frank (55:07)

And she's screaming like, what's going on?

Grace (55:10)

And the doctor's like, everybody calm down. Everybody calm down. And this is still the upper. Some of the NuvaRing. And yeah, that doesn't work. But I saw the nurse on my way out and I was like, hey, just. Why didn't you try to help me when I was following? Remember that whole thing? Yeah, why didn't you try to help me? And she goes, oh, girl, I have been laughing so hard I cut that boy. What? Girl, that singing is so funny to be here with you and see the look on him. He's gonna call my girlfriend and tell her she ain't gonna lose her mind. Cause he don't like him for a touch him anyway. Oh, Lord Jesus, this gonna be so funny. Do you fucking work here? Because it sounds like you should be taking my order. I'm just, you know. So that's my story, guys.

Bobby (56:38)

For the rest of my life. Get up, stand up. Ooh, girl, I have been locked. I can't wait.

David (57:07)

My story is about the first online date I ever had. Have any of you ever done any online dating before? All right, shy about it, one guy. That's why a lot of girls don't do it, because that's who's on it.

Frank (57:23)

Woo.

David (57:23)

Guy. That's who's on. And that's all he brings to the conversation. I got out of a three year relationship and I just. The whole time I was in the relationship, I've always been fascinated by online dating. I've always wanted to try it. There's something amazing to me about basically creeping a profile, like stalking a profile. I don't mean for this to sound so creepy, but it is. If you did this on Facebook, it's creepy. But something about a dating website. You look at girls pictures, you message them and you're like, hey, do you want to hang out sometime? And then they're in front of you with a drink at a bar. And you know what else it does? It eliminates the games of dating. You don't have to worry about going to a girl in a bar and asking for their number or flirting and coming across as creepy. It eliminates that whole Process. And the other part about it that's great is you both know you're on the date. How many dates have you been on where one of you thinks you're on a date and the other one isn't sure if you're on a date? I was tired of that, so I was excited to. Turns out both of you knowing you're on the date is pretty crucial to getting laid. And so I was excited to do the online dating and I made a profile and a lot of guys, I talked to guys and girls I talked to said that guys have a lot harder time on the online dating because there's so many creepy guys on it. Girls are just bombarded with messages and whenever they do go out with guys, it's boring conversation and their profiles are trying too hard. I started getting messages immediately and I'll tell you the secret, guys, if you want to know how to get girls to message you on your online dating profile is I made my profile picture me with a horse. That's it. Do you have a good picture with you and a horse? You're golden. Girls love. Every message I got was, oh, you love. I love horses. And so I started getting messages pretty immediately. And the first date I went on, a girl messaged me and she was. I was 28 at the time and she was 22, which is almost. It's barely cool. It's like, it's fine. It's not illegal. It's not, it's okay. And I was just out of a three year thing. We're just looking for fun. And at 22, hopefully she's looking for fun too. But she messaged me and she was really, really cute. She looked like a little Natalie Portman, which is if you're into the Jewy look, that's. It was nice. Long hair, long hair. Natalie Portman. I want to paint a specific picture for you, but she was really cute and she wanted to meet at a bar in her neighborhood and so we met at a bar in her neighborhood and we just started drinking. And we were drinking a lot and conversation was, I don't remember. It was fine, but we were just getting, we were just getting very drunk and it's important to know that we were getting very drunk and we were drinking until maybe from 10pm till about 2am which is when we were just like kicked out of the bar because that was the end of the time that you were allowed to be in the bar drinking. And so we just started wandering basically on the street. And we're in downtown Brooklyn by the way. And there's safe parts of Brooklyn, but this is downtown Brooklyn, which is not the best area. The only thing I. It was very fuzzy, but I remember passing the. There's like a very big free STD clinic in Brooklyn, and it opens at like 7 or 8 in the morning. And so like, 2 or 3 in the morning is when people start lining up because it's first come, first served. Pardon the cum pun in there. But first you get it. All right. I got myself. Surprised myself with that one. So I remember seeing them lining up and being like, this isn't a good. This isn't a good sign. And we're walking past there, and it's kind of dangerous, and there's no other bars to go to, but we're still walking and talking. And then she started holding my hand. She just grabbed my hand, and I was like, oh, that's a good sign. We're in a good place there. And so I just blurted out, want to come back to my place? Want to come back to my place, right? And she goes, I can't go back to your place. And I was like, fuck it. She's like, no, I have a. I have a cat. And he. I can't leave. He pees on everything. Okay, so we have to go back to my place. And I was like, oh, all right. We're going to go back to her place. This guy. The place has probably cat pee all over it, but this is pretty good. First online date. I'll take what I can get.

Bobby (62:32)

This is.

David (62:33)

This isn't bad. And so we go back to her place, and I didn't even see the cat. And we start hooking up immediately. And I'm like, this is one for one on the online dating. I'm thrilled about this. And we're hooking up for, like. We're hooking up for a long time. Like, it's lasting a very long time, which is completely not me bragging. It's because we've drank so much, things aren't working. They're working, but they're not finishing working. Right? They just. Basically, they just keep working is what things are doing. And we're hooking up for, like, a long time until she threw up. Okay. And she threw up on my penis is where she did it. Have you ever done that before? Has she. She's giving me the. I'm not embarrassed to talk about it. I'm in front of a. All right. She threw up on my penis. And then she goes. She leaves the room. She goes to the Bathroom to go clean up, and threw me a hand towel, which is not enough. And while she's gone, the cat comes into the room.

Bobby (63:59)

No, it's not.

David (64:00)

It's not. And jumps up on the bed and is, like, rubbing up on me and stuff, right? He's got no tail, by the way, which is weird. I don't know if that has anything to do with why it pees everywhere, but it's got no tail. And so I'm just sitting on the bed, like, I sobered up quickly when I got thrown up on. And I'm just sitting there thinking, man, the Internet is awesome, right? I'm sitting there naked, sober now, with a cat rubbing on me. And I hear the door to the apartment open, and she has. Her roommate got home. And I can. I can hear them outside. She goes. I hear the roommate go, how'd the date go? And she goes, it's still going on. And then she pointed to the room, and the door's, like, cracked open. So her roommate just looks in. It's just me naked with a tailless cat waving. And so she came back in the room after she cleaned up, and here's the thing. She finished the job.

Bobby (65:05)

No, no.

David (65:06)

Applause. Applause. Yeah. You kidding me?

Bobby (65:10)

Aw, what a trooper. What a trooper.

David (65:16)

The last thing when I throw up. You know how horrible you feel when you throw up? When I throw up, all I want is ginger ale in fetal position. The last thing I want to do after I throw up is put a dick back in my mouth. If you eat half a pizza and throw up, the last thing you want is the other half of that pizza. And she ate the other half of that pizza. And here's the thing.

Grace (65:45)

When you.

David (65:45)

I need the guys on my side for this one, because it's gonna be weird. And there's girls here. When you're a guy and you first hear gagging, that's a great. That's a great feeling. That is an ego boost. And also, that's what girls do in porn, right? You watch girls in porn gagging on cocks and stuff. And you're like, oh, man, I wish a girl would gag on me. And now there is a girl gagging on you. And you're like, yeah. Well, you're not like, yeah, in the moment, but it's weird to do that in the moment, but you're excited about it. And you're excited enough until you're covered in, like, six already drank vodka, cranberry juices. But at first, before you realize what it is, it's just like, this warm gush, right? And you're like, oh, what's that? That feels pretty good. I like that. What is that? No one's ever done. You're like, too on board with this. But then you realize what happened and you quickly are like, oh, no, I hope I'm not into that. That's a totally different. That's a different problem. I don't want that to be my thing, my fetish. You can find it if that's what you're looking for. You can find. That's what Craigslist was invented for. And you're gonna have to introduce her to your friends and family for the rest of your life. This is my girlfriend. I know she's ugly, but she likes thrown up on my cock. And that is what I'm into, dad. That's what I'm into. And so I spent the night, by the way, I stayed over because part of me was like. After we were done, I was like, I should probably leave, but when you're a guy and you finish, you just go to sleep. And so that's what I did. And the next morning, she would. Was pretty cool about it. We laughed about it a good bit. And she goes, you're either never going to call me again or we are getting married. That's what she said to me. And I will tell. We went out a few more times, and she was nice, but it didn't work out. And part of me wishes that was the girl that I married. Part of me wishes that was the girl I ended up with because what a great first date story. You know? What a great first date to base a whole life together on. I wish we got married. I wish one day I could tell this story and be able to end it with. And that's how I met your mom. And I'll finish on. That's not another one. I'm sorry, there's another one. A lot of common jizz stuff. And that's what this is about. I did an earlier version of this story and I put it up on YouTube and my dad called me. And my dad's very supportive, and he goes. He goes, I watched one of your videos online and I liked it, but what's jizz? Okay, in an earlier version, I used the word jizz in there. And he goes, I asked, I talked to your mother. Neither of us know what jizz is. And I said, I can't have this. I can't have this conversation with you. And he goes, is it snot? It's snot, right? And I was like, close, but it's not. It's not snot. And my dad goes, is it cum? It's cum, isn't it? And I had to say, yes, dad. Jiz is cumming is a sentence I said to my dad. And my dad goes, oh, I shouldn't have shown everybody at work. All right, you guys have a great show.

Bobby (69:42)

Still ahead.

David (69:43)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Bobby (69:52)

I pull a masking all around the north side? Chasing a sweet thing? So that's fine? Every time I try? Crazy about a north side girl? I got some good talk but not enough game?

Grace (70:14)

Ooh, win a sweet thing?

Bobby (70:17)

Ashamed? Every time I try Crazy about a north side gal? Well, she gets a cold? Every time I try to hold her?

Frank (70:29)

Presently saying no to older, younger gentlemen?

Bobby (70:35)

All of her try? You're crazy about a Northside gal?

Ethan (70:43)

JD McPherson behind me now. And that was Adam Newman with a story we call such sweet Chunder. Stay tuned, folks, because we have some super exciting stuff coming from both Risk and the Story Studio. Dot. We've got our new all star episode coming up. And we've got our new Storytelling for Business video lecture series. Anyone who has a career is gonna want our new video lecture course, Storytelling for Business. The exercises included are practically foolproof. You will have fully fleshed out fantastic stories when you're finished. And stay tuned because it will be available soon. Folks, today's the day. Take a risk Easter egg. Should have known I'd run into you on the back end of things.