Live From Norfolk 1

Summary

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RISK! – Live From Norfolk 1 (October 9, 2025)

Main Theme Overview

In this special live episode of RISK! recorded at the 2013 Norfolk Comedy Festival, host Kevin Allison curates a trio of deeply personal, darkly funny, and uncensored true stories from storytellers Billy Raim, Tiffany Wilcott, and Pete Roberts. Each narrative orbits the theme of confronting personal fears—from bathroom anxieties to sisterly misunderstandings to literal life-or-death situations. Through their hilarious, awkward, and harrowing experiences, the tellers embody the RISK! ethos: sharing the stories they “never thought they’d dare to share in public.”

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Key Discussion Points & Story Summaries

1. Billy Raim – “The Squatter”

[04:34 – 17:26]

Story Arc

• Early Toilet Terrors: Billy recounts a lifelong fear of pooping in public restrooms fueled by his overprotective, germaphobic mother, who subjected road trip bathrooms to “white glove inspection.”
• School Bathroom Humiliation: At his underprivileged elementary school—with no bathroom stalls—bathroom visits became a public spectacle. A particularly mortifying incident with the sixth grade basketball team and an unsympathetic coach marked him deeply.
• Teen years, IBS, and a Secret Church Bathroom: Diagnosed with IBS and Crohn’s-like symptoms in high school, his mother negotiated for him to use the adjacent church bathroom, unwittingly cementing his isolation and ritual.
• Dating Disaster: On a much-anticipated date during his senior year, a sneeze in the movie theater triggers an accident (“Shit. Literally.”), compounded by his zoot suit chain snagging and tearing his pants; he flees in embarrassment and never speaks to his date again.
• Global Poop Panic and Triumph: On a trip to Shanghai, Billy resorts to racing back to his hotel after every meal. Pressured by friends, a drunken night at a go-kart bar leads to his fateful confrontation with a Chinese squat toilet (a “squatter”). Technical and cultural confusion ensues, but Billy overcomes his fear—only to realize he’s in the staff shower area. The language barrier peaks with the quip about needing paper: “What do you want to write an apology letter?”
• Resolution: Having conquered this primal fear, Billy finds new confidence, swearing off future anxieties—in places, at least, where there are actual toilets.

Memorable Quotes

• On his mom’s bathroom inspections:

  "Nothing but the best for her baby boy’s tushy, you know."
  — Billy Raim [05:26]

• Describing his school bathroom:

  "You were on display in middle of everybody like some fucked up piece of think art."
  — Billy Raim [07:10]

• On his movie date mishap:

  "Shit. Literally. She says, ‘bless you.’ And I'm thinking in my mind, you have no idea, girl. Just be cool, Billy."
  — Billy Raim [11:23]

• Summing up his squatter experience:

  “I felt like I just conquered the biggest fear in the world. That the little five year old me was sitting right there in that stall with me going, yeah.”
  — Billy Raim [16:14]

• On American privilege:

  “We as Americans are so spoiled because we have toilets everywhere… There’s no strategy with toilets. You just sit down and go. There’s nothing. But a squatter takes game plan.”
  — Billy Raim [15:50]

Notable Moment

• The comedic escalation of the “poop search” in China, the “Van Damme kick” of the squat stall door, and the surreal payoff of accidentally being in the staff shower room, capped with the perfect absurdist endnote about an apology letter [16:14–17:26].

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2. Tiffany Wilcott – “I Think I’m Turning Japanese”

[20:08 – 30:35]

Story Arc

• Sibling Identity Confusion: Tiffany and her “Irish twin” sister Samiko are endlessly mistaken for one another, despite clear differences—especially Samiko's non-Japanese heritage despite her name.
• Manic Mike the Persistent Caller: One of Samiko’s many boyfriends, Mike, repeatedly calls and refuses to believe Tiffany isn’t her sister; this devolves into an endless, horror-movie-like phone farce.
• Prank Love Confession: On a particularly frustrating day, Tiffany finally tells Mike—pretending to be Samiko—that she’s in love with him, and mischievously instructs him to change everything about his appearance (hairless body, tattoos, motorcycle).
• Prank Fallout: Samiko is livid, but ultimately the ruse leads Mike to realize there really are two sisters. He stops calling—mission accomplished.
• Romantic Twist: Years later, in a bar, Tiffany connects with a “Ken-doll-meets-Prince-Charming” stranger. After a hot night of dancing and making out, they realize he’s Mike, the old phone-stalker, now hair regrown and tattoo-free. Both laugh at the cosmic joke, but the story ends with a missed chance: “I stared at the phone for about a month, hoping he would call back.”

Memorable Quotes

• On phone confusion:

  “I would catch and try to convince this man, no, we are two separate people. We’re not the same person. So I would hang up on him, and he would immediately call back... the sixth cycle would just continue…”
  — Tiffany Wilcott [22:58]

• Mike’s hair saga:

  “Did you tell him to cut his hair because he has no hair anywhere?... I had no idea this guy would do it. And he never did get the tattoo, but he had made an appointment to get one, which he had cancelled.”
  — Tiffany Wilcott [25:10]

• Reunion realization:

  “‘How’d you find out about the bar?’ and I’m like, ‘My sister.’ And he’s like, ‘Samik.’ And I was like, ‘Oh my god, you’re Mike, aren’t you?’ And he’s like, ‘Yeah. You know how long it took me to grow my hair back?’”
  — Tiffany Wilcott [28:50]

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3. Pete Roberts – “When’s the Last Time You Were Really Scared?”

[31:15 – 45:55]

Story Arc

• Bar Philosophizing: Pete sets the scene—older, addicted, and displaced—listening to self-absorbed frat boys discuss their biggest fears in a bar.
• Artistic & Personal Backstory: He reflects on his failed ambitions (musician, restaurant owner), checkered with whiskey, cocaine, and risky life decisions, and situates us in Asheville at the seedy Interstate Motel.
• Night from Hell: Seeking to sleep off his bender, Pete checks in to the notorious "no-questions-asked" motel. When an intimidating stranger knocks, Pete naively lets him in, expecting drugs.
• Gunpoint Terror: The man accuses Pete of raping his prostitute sister, waving a gun and threatening “someone’s gonna get blasted.” Pete’s quick thinking—offering to let the man “smell my dick” to prove innocence—diffuses the standoff, shifting the tension to a weird, weary mutual respect.
• Aftermath & Reflection: The man leaves with Pete’s money but no violence. Pete, shaken but alive, writes about the ordeal, swearing he’d never tell anyone—until now, on RISK!. He closes the loop by scoffing at the bar bros’ trivial anxieties.
• Stoic Bravado: As he leaves, Pete muses, maybe he was scared that night after all.

Memorable Quotes

• On artistic delusions:

  “Being a writer, you like to go somewhere where there’s a circus outside… If you think you’re Charles Bukowski and you’re 33 years old.”
  — Pete Roberts [33:40]

• When the gun comes out:

  “Here’s a knock at the door, and… there’s a really imposing guy standing outside… ‘You just fucking raped my sister.’ Like, no, no, I ain’t. That shit I don’t rape is fucked up. I didn’t rape anybody.”
  — Pete Roberts [36:22]

• Life-or-Death Tension:

  “I wasn’t afraid of dying. I had the pressure of this guy’s gun in the fucking back of my head, forcing it down into a pillow… and all I could think of was my mom.”
  — Pete Roberts [39:10]

• Absurd defense mechanism:

  “If you’re gonna shoot somebody, at least pull down my pants and smell my shit… Smell my dick, man!... His whole demeanor just changed.”
  — Pete Roberts [40:26]

• On post-mortem memories:

  “Who sleeps in beds when you've got the sunrise?”
  — Pete Roberts [45:33] (poetic outro line)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Billy’s China Poop Conquest:
  “I felt like I just conquered the biggest fear in the world. That the little five year old me was sitting right there in that stall with me going, yeah.”
  [16:14]

• Tiffany’s accidental reverse catfishing:
  “Did you tell him to cut his hair because he has no hair anywhere?... I had no idea this guy would do it.”
  [25:10]

• Pete’s gunpoint absurdity:
  “If you’re gonna shoot somebody, at least pull down my pants and smell my shit… Smell my dick, man!”
  [40:26]

• Host Kevin’s zinger about The Phantom Menace:
  “Billy left out that someone else shit right in front of his girlfriend. That would be George Lucas with The Phantom Menace.”
  [17:41]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Kevin’s Intro/Community Call-Out: [03:06 – 04:33]
• Billy Raim, "The Squatter": [04:34 – 17:26]
• Tiffany Wilcott, "I Think I’m Turning Japanese": [20:08 – 30:35]
• Pete Roberts, "When’s the Last Time You Were Really Scared?": [31:15 – 45:55]
• Host Reflections & Show Closing: [46:48 – End]

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Tone & Style

The episode keeps the trademark RISK! balance—unguarded comic vulnerability, salty honesty, and raucous energy. Storytellers are self-deprecating and direct, never shying from bodily humor, shame, or deep anxiety, but always couching the dark in laughter. The live crowd’s presence is felt (via interjections and laughs), spurring candid exchanges and adding a communal sense of catharsis.

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For New Listeners

If you love true, raw stories at the intersection of humor and humiliation—or seek proof that facing your fears (however mortifying or dangerous) can make for connection and catharsis—this is essential listening. The tales traverse the mortifying, the ridiculous, and the hair-raising, with each storyteller laying their truth bare for laughs, relief, and perspective.

Transcript

[Billy Raim]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Billy Raim]

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[Audience Member/Interjector]

He has arisen.

[Billy Raim]

Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

What what?

[Billy Raim]

With a star studded premiere including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis and hey buddy. A big home improvement reunion welcome.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Oh boy, that guy's a tool.

[Billy Raim]

Shifting gears New Wednesdays, 8, 7 Central.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

On ABC and stream on Hulu Risk.

[Kevin Allison]

Hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier this week. It's an episode that premiered in July of 2013. It was recorded at that year's Norfolk Comedy Festival. It's an episode we call Live from Norfolk one.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Sa.

[Kevin Allison]

Hello kids, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and this is Ryan Hemsworth behind me now. This is the first of two episodes from our trip to Norfolk, Virginia. We did a couple shows at the Norfolk Comedy Festival there and had a ridiculously fun time. Jeanette Rainey of the Generic Theater was a big help to me and the sketch comedy group the Pushers. They really showed me a great, great time that weekend. Great community there. And listen, if you would like to help bring Risk to your community. If you have any connections to a comedy festival or any kind of arts festival or maybe a connection to a college campus, contact us at kevinrisk-show.com we love bringing the show into new communities. We're going to start off here with a stand up comedian and storyteller down there in Norfolk. This is Billy Rame with a story we call the Squatter.

[Billy Raim]

Good to be here man. I took Kevin's class today. And storytelling is so much different than stand up comedy because stand up comedy, you're like, joke, punchline, you know, fart bigger, fart is pretty much how it is. But with Kevin and the way he works with you and stories like, he makes you dig deep inside yourself and be personal. And stand up comedians, no matter what we say, make you laugh, we're probably hiding a lot and crying on the inside for most of our jokes. So thinking about a story, I'm like, okay, what can I do? What can I do? What's so personal to me that I can just, you know, show myself? And I'm very fucking shallow to begin with. So this is a hard thing. But I thought fear. There's a side of all of us that makes us who we are today from the fear we had growing up. It could be any fear in the world that you had growing up. And it all stems from somewhere deep. Personally, I've always had a fear of pooping in public restrooms. Restrooms. I'm sorry, public restrooms. If I'm gonna put this image in your head, at least it's gonna be the right image. You know what I mean? But I know you're thinking like, oh, that's idiotic, that's dumb. But let me give you a little bit of a backstory. I'm an only child, and after a few failed pregnancies, my mother had me at the age of 39 in 1979. So I am my mother's miracle baby. So I remember my mom has always been as wonderful a mother she is, and she always has been. She's always been very, very paranoid and very, oh my gosh, just terrified of germs and diseases. And now that I'm thinking about it, everything else in the world. But I remember as a kid when we were on road trips and I was just a wee little lad, I would say, hey, I gotta go to the bathroom. And it would take. We would pass countless exits before my mom would find a place deemable to stop. But even after we found that place to stop, I had to wait in the car for my mom to go inside and give it the white glove inspection. Nothing but the best for her baby boy's tushy, you know. So there's the rhyme. My mom was a schoolteacher, and in elementary school she admitted she put me in the same school that she taught at to have me closer to her. And it was a very, very, very poor elementary school. In fact, the boys rooms didn't have any stalls whatsoever. There Was toilets lining one side, sinks lining the other. And if you remember in elementary school, there was no raising your hand to go to the bathroom when you wanted to. There was designated bathroom breaks through the day. And when those bathroom breaks happened, all the class would go out to the restrooms. Boys outside the boys room, girls outside the girls. They would let however many in, and then when one child came out, the next child would go in, which is usually not a big deal. But at my poor elementary school, if you actually had the bravery to perform this deed, you were on display in middle of everybody like some fucked up piece of think art. So that could be a reason, I think. But every day after school, while all the halls would clear and my mom was doing work, I would go around and find a place of solitude to do my duties. Well, one afternoon after my daily perimeter check, I went inside the restroom. And right about when I was about, let's just say, empty the tank, the door swings open, and in comes the sixth grade basketball team.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Now.

[Billy Raim]

So the basketball team comes in. Of course, they're sixth graders, so it's just all, ew, ew, look at it, boy poop. And look at it, boy poop. And the yells are so loud, the basketball coach comes in, blowing his whistle, sees what's going on, and starts wrangling everybody out of the room. Which, I would have thanked him, but that douchebag was laughing louder than any of the kids themselves. Could that be a reason? I don't know. My freshman year of high school, I was told by the doctors that I had IBS and crohn's disease, like, symptoms and colitis as well. So not only did I have this fear of public restrooms, now I had no control over when it was gonna go down or how it was gonna come out. But once again, my mom stepped in and she made a deal with the high school and the church that we attended right next door. So every day at lunch, after I ate lunch, I could sneak over to the church and hail marry my ass off.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Thanks, mom.

[Billy Raim]

It's absolutely fantastic. So now I can be a normal teenager, right? I can go ahead and live my teenage years and get destroyed by puberty like every other kid. And I did. I had the worst bowl cut ever. It was perfect. It was greasy. It was just, like molded from Christ himself. I had acne that would detonate when it came in contact with sunlight. Let's just say that I was at the back of the line when it came to being a cool kid.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

All right, don't awake.

[Billy Raim]

I Went through it. So this brings me to all four years of high school were pretty much like that. I went over to the church to take a shit every single day at lunch. So May 1999, late May 1999, it was my senior year of high school. Everything was going my way. I just got my first car. I had a really rad job at Blockbuster Video. But more importantly, I just scored my first date. Oh, man. Dude, I was so infatuated with this girl all four years in high school. She said she'd go out with me. I went out and I bought a nice shirt and some nice slacks. And you remember back in the 90s when swing music exploded back in the scene. And those ridiculous zoot suit chains were the tits. I got one of those, too. So the big night came. I drove over to her house in my 88 Ford Tempo. I walked up to the door, I rang the doorbell, I went and I shook the father's hand. Hi, my name is Billy Raym. I'm here to pick up your daughter. Just like a gentleman. The date was fantastic. First we went out to dinner, we laughed, we learned about each other for the first time. Oh, my God, it was fantastic. After dinner, we went and saw Star Wars, Episode the Phantom Menace. Halfway through the date, she reaches over and she grabs my hand and she starts doing this little rubby thingy where her thumb is rubbing the top of my thumb for the first time. I thought the pimply ass nerd kid was gonna win. And then I felt a sneeze come on. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, don't sneeze. If you sneeze this rubby hand thingy, fucking rubbing thingy, it's over, it's done. So just don't sneeze.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

All right?

[Billy Raim]

All right, I won't sneeze.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Hey.

[Billy Raim]

Shit. Literally, she says, bless you. And I'm thinking in my mind, you have no idea, girl. Just be cool, Billy. Just be cool. So just get up, face her, walk slowly, leave the room, and nothing's gonna be, you know, you'll be okay. But my body had more panicky ideas. So I jump up out of this seat. The zoot suit chain catches the theater seat and rips my pants down the side. So by that time, my mind's like, ugh. So I take out off the theater, out the front doors, get in my car, and I leave her there. Tell me you do something different. She called my house a few times after that, but I never wanted to talk to her because I didn't know if she knew what happened and I didn't want to take that chance. I would rather be the douchebag that left her there. Besides a douchebag that shit right beside her during Phantom Menace. I think sometimes the only way to get over fears is to shock yourself in such a way that you're so embarrassed that this fear doesn't even matter anymore. Last year my wife had an opportunity to go to Shanghai, China and work for six weeks. Four weeks into that, me and a buddy hopped on a 15 hour flight, which by the way, I didn't eat anything because I was not going to be public enemy number one on that flight. But we hopped on a plane and we went over there for 15 hours. We get there and the thing about China is food over there is so different than over here. Even the Chinese food is completely different. And for somebody with a hair trigger ass like myself, this is going to cause some issues. Every single meal that we wouldn't eat at immediately, I would make my wife and my buddy hop in a cab no matter how far we were from the hotel and go back to the hotel so I can do my business. So the last night we're there, and this happens, every single solitary meal for five days in a row, three meals a day. The last day we're there, we find the most amazing place on earth. It is a go kart track, it is a bar. And they encourage you to do both of these things as much as possible. This is amazing. We drank all day, we, we raced go karts all day. It was the best day I've ever had in my life. And of course after a while, you know, at the end of the day, dinner came. And of course after dinner I'm like, well, that was a great day. Let's go ahead and pack it up. And. And my buddy is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy, we just been doing this every single day for you. We eat you shit. We eat you shit. We have to get in the cab in between. Then this is done. You're a 33 year old man. It's just a poop, bro. It's just a poop. Go do it. I don't know if it was a liquid courage or not, but I got up from the table, I'm like, you're right, bruh, I can do this. So I walk into the bathroom and I walk to the bathroom and as soon as I get there, I notice that there's four doors. Two women's, two men's, and some mandarin. Writing on it. I'm drunk. I'm like, fuck it. So I go inside one of the bathrooms, I walk up to the first stall and I Van Damme kick the door open and there's nothing. Just a porcelain slab on the floor with a softball sized hole in it. I'm like, all right, cool. So I walk over the next door and I kind of half assed Van Damme, kick it open because I'm confused. And it's the same thing, just a porcelain hole on the floor. And suddenly it hits me. It's like, Billy, this is a squatter. You know what a squatter is? You read about a squatter when you were doing research on Chinese and where to poop in China. Your poop search. You know what a squatter is? And I'll be damned, Billy, if you're going to ruin your wife and friends awesome day at this wonderful place on earth all the way across the world because you got a shit. So I walk in and the first thing I notice when I walk in, I close the door. There's nowhere to hang your pants. Look, we as Americans are so spoiled because we have toilets everywhere. With a little bit of effort, anyone can walk out and find a toilet. And there's no strategy with toilets. You just sit down and go. There's nothing. But a squatter takes game plan. It takes a little bit of effort. So you sit there and you realize you got to have your pants on, that's fine. And then you're like, oh, how do I stand? Do I gotta lean? Do I gotta. Whatever. And then let me get this way and make it better for you. And then there's like two little bars.

[Kevin Allison]

Like oh, oh, shit.

[Billy Raim]

Bars, great. Okay, cool. So you lean back on these bars and you're like. And then it starts hit. All the other things start hitting you. It's like, all right, Billy, your ass is right over the hole. You, you gonna do this?

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Billy Raim]

Don't push too hard or you're gonna miss the hole.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Okay?

[Billy Raim]

But don't not, not push cause you're just gonna trickle. You know what?

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Screw it.

[Billy Raim]

Just go. I felt like that I just conquered the biggest fear in the world. That the little five year old me was sitting right there in that stall with me going, yeah. In mid celebration, there's a knock at the door. And without being demeaning to Chinese people and their broken English in China, because they really, really try hard, he basically tells me that I'm in the shower section of the employee locker room. What do you do then. But I did muster up enough strength to ask him like, hey man, can I have some paper, man? And the only thing I heard, and I think it's what he said, at least that's what my mind thinks he said, was, what do you want to write an apology letter? And he walks out. Since then, I have never had a problem pooping in public in public restrooms. Why one? Cause I'm an American and we have toilets. But thank you very much, China. I appreciate it and thank you guys very much.

[Kevin Allison]

Good night.

[Billy Raim]

Billy Raim, everyone.

[Kevin Allison]

Now this has given me an idea. I hope to someday get someone on wrist to be able to tell the story of how he got over his fear of pooping in public, but not meaning public restrooms. Also, Billy left out that someone else shit right in front of his girlfriend. That would be George Lucas with the Phantom Menace.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

We'll be right back.

[Billy Raim]

When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans.

[Commercial Announcer]

Send event invites and pin messages so.

[Billy Raim]

No one forgets mom 60th and never miss a meeting or milestone. All protected with end to end encryption. It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Audience Member/Interjector]

We're back.

[Kevin Allison]

Let me bring up our next storyteller. It's been a thrill to work with her and to meet her and everyone in this group. She is a member of the fabulous sketch and improv group right here, the Pushers. So please welcome to the stage Tiffany Wilcott.

[Commercial Announcer]

The Story of my life is called. Or one of the stories is called. I think I'm turning Japanese. And I name that because it's about my sister and I. My sister's name is Samiko, and. And she's not at all Japanese. She's just named after a Japanese person that we knew. So I got asked all the time, is your sister Japanese? And I'd have to say, no, actually, she's not Japanese. She's my Irish twin. She's a year older than me. And Irish twins are siblings that are born about a year apart, and they look very similar to one another. I guess it was probably like our teenage years when people started confusing us a lot with one another and our voices on the phone. Nobody could tell us apart. And we would stare at each other in our room for a long time and looking at each other and not seeing the resemblance at all because she had blonde hair and blue eyes. And as you can see, I do not. So it confused us, but we just accepted it. And as we started getting older, we started using sun in, so my hair got blonder, and it just became more that people couldn't tell us apart. She taught me how to put on makeup, clothes, tampons, shave my legs. Everything that you needed to know to be a girl. When we were younger, we did everything together. We were always, always together. And as we got into teenage years, our interests changed. So even though we shared a room, we were always in different spots. And then the boys started flowing in. And I would have to say the ratio between her male suitors and mine were definitely. Hers were, like, a lot higher because she would have boys calling all the time, and she was never home. So I would answer the phone. Now, mind you, I've never seen most of these guys. I just knew them by their voices. She had some that would call a bunch, and there was one, his name was Mike. And he would call every day, four or five times a day. He would call for months and months, and every time I would pick up the phone, he would say. And I remembered his voice because it was like this rough kind of northern type of voice. And he would say, yo, is Sameik there? And I would cringe because I knew it was him. And I would tell him, no, she's not here. And he'd go, why you playing with me, meek? I know it's you. And I would catch and try to convince this man, no, we are two separate people. We're not the same person. So I would hang up on him, and he would immediately call back and of course, like any horror movie, you got to check out who's calling. So I would answer the phone and the sixth cycle would just continue of me telling him I'm not Sumiko. So one day the phone rings, I pick it up and I hear, yo, is Sumik there? And I was like, oh, joy, she actually is here. So I go upstairs to. Cause our room was in the attic. I go upstairs and I'm like, samiko, the phone's for you. And she looks at me and she's like, who is it? And out of instinct, I made the very big mistake. And I could feel it, like, coming out slow, where I was like, it's because the next thing that followed was, tell him I'm not here. And I looked at her and I was like, no, no, I'm not gonna tell him that you're not here. You're gonna get your ass off that chair and you're gonna go answer your phone call. And she's like, no, no, I'm not. And this was like 20 minutes of us going, no. Yes. No. Yes. So I go downstairs with my tail between my legs, feeling frustrated, and go to pick up the phone. And my first instinct is, it's been 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure that this guy is not still on the phone. Again, like any horror movie, you gotta check. I pick up the phone, I'm like, hello. And I hear, yo, Meek, zat you. And something just clicked in my brain. And I said, yes, yes, it is. And I wanted to tell you that I think I'm in love with you. And what pursues from there is. He's like, oh, yeah, what took you so long? And I say, well, now, mind you, I've never seen this guy in my life. But I knew her personality, the types of boys she dated. And I gotta be honest with you, that's one thing we never crossed streams with. Because she always liked this blue collar, like really strong, manly working men. And my type was always like this really funny comedian, men that didn't work at all. So. So we never really crossed streams, but I did know her type. So when he asked what took you so long? I did some shots in the dark and I said, I don't like your hair. And he's like, what's wrong with my hair? And I'm like, well, it's too long. And he's like, oh, you know, I was thinking about getting it cut. And I'm like, oh, well, you know what really turns me on? Men with no hair at all, anywhere. He's like, oh, yeah, yeah, I could do that, I could do that. I'm like, I think you should if you want this to work. And then I pursued on telling her I made up a dude, that I told him I loved tattoos, especially when they put my name on it. Well, Samiko's name on it. I told him that I like leather jackets and motorcycles. And this conversation goes on and he's just soaking it up. But about two days later, my sister was so pissed at me. And when my sister is mad, duck is all you gotta do is duck. So she comes at me and she's like, did you get on the phone and pretend you were me? And I said maybe. And she's like, what did you say? And then I got scared and I said it's. It was a personal conversation. And she said, did you tell him to cut his hair because he has no hair anywhere. And I just started laughing, just started laughing because I had no idea this guy would do it. And he never did get the tattoo, but he had made an appointment to get one, which he had canceled. And at this time she was now able to convince him that we were two different people. So now he actually believed that she had a sister. He never called again though. I mean, this is one way to get rid of like, well, he's a harmless stalker. But it got rid of him. He never called again and we forgot about it. And like I said, my sister and I, we were best friends when we were best friends and we fought. It was like fierce. When we were really getting along, she would take me to this place, Wildwood, New Jersey, and there's a bar called the Garden State bar that she took me to. And mind you, we were like 19, 18 and 19 at the time. One day, like a proper bar patron, I was drinking a lot and on a table dancing and my sister had left already and I looked down and there's this man standing there that was gorgeous. I mean, he was tall, probably about six, six foot something. He had this blond hair and he had these chiseled Roman features like Ken doll mixed with prince Charming. And he looks at me and I look down at him and he goes like that. And I had to look around because I don't usually get hot guys at all. So I just went for it. I grabbed his hand and he got me off the table. The music was so loud that we didn't get to talk at all really. But we had so much fun with all non verbal stuff like dancing, making fun of people dancing or making fun of each Other and just kind of clicked. And I thought, oh, my God, I think I'm in love. So, as any proper girl would do, we started shamelessly making out on the dance floor all night long. And we walk outside, and kind of lights come up, too. And he looks at me, and he goes, you look familiar. And I'm like, no, maybe I have one of those familiar faces. I don't care. Just keep kissing me. And he did. So we were making out, and we go back to his place, and he takes me, and he lifts me up onto the kitchen counter. And, ladies, that's probably the hottest thing that's ever happened to me. It's just so hot. We're making out more, and he backs away, and he's like, no, I swear you look familiar. And I'm like, no, no. I don't think I've ever met you. And he's like, come on. Quit playing with me. And at that moment, the click happened again. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. He's like, how'd you find out about the bar? And I'm like, my sister. And he's like, samik. And I was like, oh, my God, you're Mike, aren't you? And he's like, yeah. You know how long it took me to grow my hair back? That's how I felt. That's exactly how I felt. I started laughing. He was kind of mad. That's how I knew he never got the tattoo, but he was about to. He was about to sell his car and buy a motorcycle, too. Thank God none of that happened. And so I started laughing, and then he started laughing. So thank God he kind of forgave me for it. And I was like, okay, let's get back to making out. And he's like, no, maybe I should take you home. And I was like, oh. So he walks me home, and we exchanged numbers, but he already had mine because he's called it so many times. And then we just parted ways. And probably one of the most silliest things that I've ever done is I stared at the phone for about a month, hoping that he would call back. But still, even if he did, I wouldn't, because the whole sister weirdness thing. So that is my story about my sister.

[Kevin Allison]

So I think the lesson is, if anyone ever asks you if you will shave every hair off of your body, you might want to ask them if they could move the conversation with you over to Skype. Just be on the safe side. Okay, I want to bring our last storyteller up to the stage. He is a writer in town. You can find him on Facebook at petergravesroberts. Please welcome Pete Roberts.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

Let's see, started out this way. I was about 33, 10 years ago. I'm in a bar in Asheville, North Carolina and I was hanging out at a bar on kind of the nicer side of town. It's like a lot of frat guys in there with the popped pink collars, you know, they're all hollering at girls, that kind of stuff. And I'm sitting over at the corner of the bar. I was a regular, you know, it was like somebody told me it was called Norfolk Style to drink Jack Daniels and then Coke and Jack Daniels and Coke, like that. So that's what I was doing at the time. And I'm sitting there scribbling down this mad poetry and they're trying to write this story that had happened to me a few nights before. And the conversation this herd of guys were having was, what was the last time you were really scared? Like, you know, oh, I thought my girlfriend was pregnant or my parents are going to find out. I spent the book money for school on weed, you know, that kind of stuff. And I'm like, they're looking at me like, what are you thinking? I'm like, I'm fucking gulping whiskey and chewing on cigarettes and scratching my little notepad. So flashing back, you know, in my early 20s, I wanted to be a rock star. You know, I left. I left Portsmouth on fire. I hit Ghent when I was 18. I got into a band in Norfolk. We played at Tux and all the cool places that is now where Old Dominion University has spread to. But all those CD bars were great. And you know, when you're 20, the whole world's out there in front of you. I remember if you could put picture freedom for me, it was when I had six days after graduation, moved out of my parents house. I was living in Old Town and I had gone over to Norfolk. I was right there on Collie Avenue in Ghent. And I was standing on the sidewalk on a hot night like it would be tonight right in front of the sweet shop, which is not there anymore, but I used to work there. And I just remember looking up at the stars in the sky and thinking, I don't have to go see my mom and dad. I can do anything I want, you know. And I didn't have a dime in my pocket, but I was free. So that went on. You know, I drop of the hat, make a trip to Boulder, Colorado. Just thought I'd drunk quit a job. And that kind of snowballed, you know, to where by the time I'm in my mid-20s, looking at 30, I'm thinking if I don't make it at some point, you know, this is going to be the end of it, you know, because I wanted to be famous and here I am. But, you know, that's what you hear is, you know, I didn't get dates in high school. Maybe I should have gone to Portsmouth Catholic. But at church I wasn't cool, you know, I just never got dates. And I figured the best way is, you know, you write poetry and learn how to play guitar. So I learned how to do one fairly decently and the other one not very well at all and just kept plugging away at it, plugging away at it. And by the time I was like 27:30 hanging out in Asheville, the music thing was looking like it was a bad idea, it wasn't going to work. And I had developed a pretty good whiskey habit, which, you know, Irish whiskey and my heritage go well. So I was drinking too much whiskey, partying too much. And I had invested with a partner in a restaurant. We decided, you know, what the best way to be rock stars is. We'll open a restaurant, we'll make millions of dollars and buy a music studio. So that was the plan that lasted about 18 months. Cost me 80k. So my college education was three years. 80k, restaurateering and real estate. Anyhow, all that's wrapping up. I see the end is near. You know, at the time, I'm clean and sober now. At the time I had a pretty good cocaine problem. And all it really did was make drinking more fun for longer, you know, that's all coke did. So if you've never done it, don't do it. It's just stupid. But there was this really crappy hotel in Asheville that was famous. It was called the Interstate Motel. $29, no tax, you know. And it was up at the top of a hill right outside my favorite bar. And this is the CD bar. They're really cool when we're like the street. People hang out and shit. So I'm hanging out there one night and I leave and I'm tanked. And I've got to be at work the next day, a few minutes away. It's a $60 cab ride to get home and back. And I not one to drink and drive, you know, at least I had that sense. And I thought, I'm going to do it I'm going to the Interstate Motel. You know, I've been there a few times, but I wouldn't tell my friends about it, you know, because it's that kind of thing where they're like, oh, if you went to the Interstate Motel, you were either trying to get a hooker, you're trying to get some dope, you were doing something you shouldn't be doing. If you're at the Interstate Motel, I mean, I had friends that lived around the corner. I could stay at their house. But being a writer, you like to go somewhere where there's a circus outside. You got hookers, you got their pimps, you got people that are selling drugs, you got cops coming in and out. It's like a really cool scene if you think you're Charles Boy BUKOWSKI and you're 33 years old. So I go in there. And usually, as a rule, if you check into the Interstate Motel, first of all, if you're some little wannabe hipster from the bar down at the end of the fucking hill, you're a mark, you know, you're not one of the guys that regularly hangs out up there. They're like, oh, new meat. Let's see what that guy's got. So I'm stumbling in there drunk, get in my room, pull out my little red notebook, set it on the table, get ready to roll, right? Go down to the vending machine, get my Coke for the night, and I'm drinking my Coke. And, you know, if there's a knock at the door in a place like this, you usually just ignore it. You don't look out the blinds, you don't open the windows. You don't do anything because people will come by and randomly knock to just try and see what they can get out of you. And that night, I guess it was sort of the end of my, you know, run, you know, I was getting ready to close the restaurant. I was losing everything. I really wasn't thinking clearly. Clearly taken by the effects of drink and so forth. And here's a knock at the door, and I thought maybe something cool. I had 20 bucks left in my pocket. You know, I figured maybe I'd get a little corner bag or something. So I opened the door, and there's this little crack in the door. You know, I got the chain on. There's a really imposing guy standing outside, you know, just kind of a scraggly beard. Looks kind of like Burning Spear, you know, but instead of dreadlocks, had just kind of a nappy hair. Dude, big bomber jacket on. And it's like 80 degrees, baggy jeans. And, you know, he's like, hey, what's up, man? You trying to party tonight? I was like, well, yeah, yeah. He's like, well, man, I got some shit. But look, it's cops out here. Let me in. Let me in. So I'm thinking, all right, cool. I'm gonna get some shit, you know, and keep this night going. So I open the door, I let him in. I turn around just to go grab my Pepsi. I hear the door slam behind me, and everything changes. This guy starts freaking the fuck out. He's like, so, what the fuck's up, David? Like, David, I don't know. My name's Pete, man. I don't know who the fuck David is. Nah, dude, you just fucking raped my sister. Like, no, no, I ain't. That shit I don't rape is fucked up. I didn't rape anybody. No, dude. My sister, the fucking prostitute, right down. You raped her. She seen you come in here, said you look like the dude David. I said, man, my name is P. I swear to fucking God, dude. I did not rape your sister. I'm drunk. I came up here to sleep it off, do a little writing. Thought you had something to party with. Here you are. Next thing I know, he's got a gun out. And, I mean, I'm from Portsmouth. I've seen guns, you know? And this guy is pacing frantically, and all he keeps saying is, man, that's my sister, man. Somebody gonna get blasted. Somebody gotta get blasted. And he was pissed. And I'm like. He's like, you know, sit on. Sit on the bed, you know. I said, dude, my name is Pete. Well, show me your id. So I pull out my wallet, you know, he just takes it from me. Goes in it, takes my $20, puts it in his pocket, looks at my driver's license, sees my name is Pete, puts that in his pocket. All right, Pete, lay down on the bed. Right now, I'm thinking, shit. So I do what he tells me. I lay face down on the bed. And this hotel is up, okay? It's one, you know, no room service, like I said, 29 bucks. Everything in the room is tied down or bolted down. The notepad is bolted to the table. There's roaches dead in the bathtub. The toilet doesn't work. And I'm laying there, face down on the bed, and I thought about dying. You know, I've been on this Buddhist trip, and it's like, fear of death is the ultimate fear. You don't want to Get a cold, you don't want to go hungry because you're gonna end up dying. It's like, fuck it, we're gonna die. So I wasn't afraid of dying. I had the pressure of this guy's gun in the fucking back of my head, forcing it down into a pillow and him saying, somebody's gonna get blasted. You know, the same shit. And I'm like thinking, okay, is this it? I haven't done anything yet. You know, I'm not a famous. I can't die right here. And all I'm thinking about is not dying. Two weeks from that night, my brother's getting married. And all I could think of was my mom. Like Chris, like everybody, you know, my mom, she was a great mom. Beat the shit out of me whenever I got out of line, you know, love her to death. She's actually in Maryview Hospital right now living her last days. And so don't fucking tell anybody that works at Maryview Hospital about Peter Roberts drug story. Anyway, I'm really thinking, what is my mom gonna think? You know, my brother's getting ready to get married. This is gonna ruin it. It's gonna be like me getting my head blown off in some fleabag hotel, and I'm laying there smelling like mothballs and urine in this old fucking beat up bed. The walls that might have once been a very lovely lemon yellow zest or eggshell were now kind of a taupe, you know, and you could see little teardrops, little brown, glisteny, almost lacquer colored teardrops that were actually nicotine that had caked on the walls and run down and made little slug trails and collected in little globules down on the bottom. And I'm thinking, this is where it's going to happen, huh? You know, I wasn't really afraid it's going to be a pop and I'm done, but my family's going to be really fucked up. And at that time, the sirens keep going and keep going. And this guy's, you know, pacing. He's like, well, man, maybe you ain't the guy, you know? And I start thinking, all right, this is it. This is live or die. And I'm searching my head, I'm thinking of every Jedi mind trick in the book. And I didn't want to start them. So slowly I kind of roll over and kind of come to a half seated position. And I was like, hey, man, look, you got my ID, you got my 20 bucks. I didn't fuck your sister. If you really if you're gonna shoot somebody, at least pull down my pants and smell my shit. And he looks at me like, what? I said, smell my dick, man. If I fucking fuck somebody. Excuse me, smell like it. You're gonna fucking shoot me? I ain't got. I ain't been up in your sister. Excuse me. And the guy looks at me like, this motherfucker is crazy. And I am. But his whole demeanor just changed. You know, his shoulders dropped. He started looking at me with a different look in his face. And I don't know if he was just shaking me down about the whole thing or if his sister was really raped, but all of a sudden, we had this kind of bond. And I'm like. I'm trying to get him toward the door. He's looking out. We're hearing sirens. It's a busy night, you know, a lot of activity in the parking lot. And he starts making his way over toward the door. And I've got a Walkman laying on the. On the table. And I mean, you know, you're thinking you just had a gun to your head. And he took $20 from me. He's looking at my Walkman, and it's like an old CD Walkman, you know, and it's like, Led Zeppelin won the 30th copy in there. I'm like, dude, don't fucking take my Walkman. And he's like, man, I don't to want. Want that. And so I'm literally, you know, pepping him up. Hey, I hope you find her, man. I hope you find the guy that got your sister, you know, that's up. You know, I really hope you do. And he was like, well, all right, man. All right, look, I got to get up out of here. I got to get up out of here. So he opens the door. There's blue lights in the background. And it's probably looking to the few regulars around there that don't want to get kicked out. Like, if y' all live around Portsmouth or Norfolk, you know, all the little quickie marts, you got to get the biggest people spare change, because you can leave your car unlocked. And they don't want to get banned from the place. They get cheap beer, so they'll look for your car. So this guy, you know, the people somebody was going to tell on this guy, and with the door open, I'm just wanting him out. I'm like, he's almost gone. I'm sitting there, and he turns to me, and I stick my hand out, and he grabs my hand and pulls Me in and hugs me. He was like, all right, Pete, you be good, man. I was like, yeah, yeah, you too, bro. I hope you find that dude, you know. Bam. Shut the fucking door. And he's gone. So I sit down at the table with my Pepsi and light a cigarette and start writing in my book this little thing about how I just got. Almost got killed for attempting to rape some guy's prostitute sister, which I never did. So I wasn't going to tell anybody this. You know, first of all, I felt stupid for letting him in. Second of all, I was trying to clean up and it was obvious that, you know, if I was there, I was doing some messed up stuff. So I was really embarrassed over it. I was never going to tell anybody. And really until this Risk show came out, I didn't even think I'd ever share it with anybody. So several nights after that happened, there I am in that bar I told you about before. And so I'm here after all of that. I'm listening to these guys, you know, talking about selling their college books for weed money. And they're worried about what their mom's gonna think. And, you know, it's the equivalent nowadays. I was working at kitty hawk kites. 43 year old man with a 26 year old girl who just graduated college and she wants to get her iPad screen fixed somewhere so her parents don't realize she broke. It's like, that's scary. You know, it's like, no. So anyway, I'm sitting there and they, you know, the night gets more and more smoky. I'm getting, you know, at this point just gulping whiskey and chewing a pack of cigarettes at a time and scratching in my paper and they keep bumping my bar stool. Hey, get the fuck, man. So they look over at me and they're like, hey man, when was the last time you were really scared? And I looked at them, I was like, I don't fucking get scared of anything. You know? They were like, really? And so I was like, yeah. And I finished, I paid my tab. And even though I was broke, you know, it was like the restaurant war. You tip like 60 bucks on your $60 tab and walk out of there with all the money that was left from my restaurant venture. And as I'm going to my car, I stopped for a second. I looked up and I was thinking, you know what? Fuck those guys. I might have been scared just a little bit that time. Thank you. Who sleeps in beds when you've got the sunrise? Wasting time watching infomercials live on channel nine us and Billy Mays nowhere else to ride stealing blankets, sleeping in a pile they made the sunrise for people like us. So we have an excuse as to why we're still home just so we can feel a little bit better about the neighbors angry under on our monster. But I don't fucking step.

[Kevin Allison]

That is all for this week, folks. We will be back next week with more selections from our shows down there in Norfolk. This is family of the year behind me now. And folks, today's the day take a risk.

[Audience Member/Interjector]

We made a surprise for people like us so we have an excuse to watch it come up comes up.

[Kevin Allison]

Nothing is inappropriate for risk until something probably is. One of the very first people to ever do the show he said to me, Kevin, would it be inappropriate if I told a like that like starting.

[Billy Raim]

The theme in the middle of the.

[Kevin Allison]

Hosting is not inappropriate.