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Foreign.
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Hey, folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. This week, it's an episode that premiered in July of 2013. It was recorded at that year's Norfolk Comedy Festival. It's an episode we call live from Norfolk 2. Hello, kids. This is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and this is Cascadia 10 behind me. Now, this is the second episode of Stories from our live shows. When we went down to Norfolk, Virginia, for the Norfolk Comedy Festival, we had so much fun down there, and it's an honor to bring the show to these, you know, new comedy festivals in these kind of younger comedy communities where improv classes, storytelling classes, sketch comedy classes are starting up. If you'd like to bring Risk to your town and you have any connection to an arts festival that you know of there or maybe to your campus of your college, write to us at kevinrisk-show.com. we're always on the lookout for a place to go next. We're gonna start the show this week with the one of a kind, complete and total crazy man, Mr. Brad McMurran. Brad is a member of the phenomenal sketch and improv troupe down there in Norfolk called the Pushers. He's also one of the authors of the off Broadway musical Cuff Me. It's a parody of 50 Shades of Grey. I just had a terrific time hanging out with Brad and all his friends down there. And here he is now at risk, live in Norfolk, Virginia, with a story we call the Color Purple.
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I am Brad McMurran, and I am from across the pond here, the River God's country, Portsmouth, if y' all know it. And when I was 17 years old, this may surprise some of you that know me. I was actually a very good athlete. I was an all state basketball player. If you don't believe me, ask my parents that are back there, unfortunately, listening to this story tonight. And speaking of my parents, they were really, really cool to me. But during summers, I never asked for anything. For Christmas, I would always ask to go to basketball camps. So they would give me basketball camps during the summer. But my mom and dad, my father's a judge, a retired judge from Portsmouth, and my mom's an old English grammar Nazi. And they are also very from a Victorian background. They're very together. They're not trashy is what I'm saying. And. And my mother was very, very nice to me when I would go to the basketball camps. It was a little embarrassing, though. She would stamp my name into the back of my T shirts and my underpants so that the other guys, for some reason, wouldn't steal my underpants, I guess, or something like that, which I thought was very nice. But this particular summer, I actually had something. It actually happened to me in the spring. But this summer was where it was really coming to fruition, was I had a very good friend of mine, believe it or not, die that summer. And it had really affected me. And. And I had really liked this girl named Lauren the whole year before. But I would always make out with her on the weekends, and we would have too much to drink, but come Monday, I mean, all weekend long, I'd tell her, like, hey, we're gonna date. We're gonna date, and I'm in love with you. And then Monday would come, and I would pretend that I didn't remember the weekend. And she was very, very upset about that. And she started dating a guy, another guy named Kevin, during that summer. And that summer, I'd gone to basketball camp, and it came time for my senior year. And I remember thinking to myself, you know what? This is the year I'm going to really get myself together and do what I want to do for once. And I remember I went up to Lauren because I just was. She was everything to me at that time. I just was absolutely in love with this young lady. And she was beautiful and cute, and I went up to her and I remember that song. I don't know if y' all remember this. I'm showing My age here. Driving and Crying Straight To Hell was playing on the radio at a. A party that was coming back in September when I was going back to school at an awful collegiate. And when I went up to her, I said, look, no more games. I want to date you this year. Like, I'm totally in love with you. I want to be with you and you only. And she was like, give me five minutes. I'm going to go break up with Kevin. And I was like, yes, I've got her. And I wish I still had that power, but I had it then. And anyway, so. So we started dating, and we were really, really, truly, like, into each other. And we were that holding hands couple. And we were going to be that. That at the end of the year would probably be class couple. And. Well, it came around that time when we started messing around and she had Told me she was a virgin. And I was really glad she had stayed one that summer for me. And we started getting around to that time where it was time for us to talk about it. And basketball season had started. So if you do the math, I actually waited two months or so on this one. Or she did anyway, and. And it came time for that big night. We had had to play a big game. We lost. But I'm not gonna worry about that right now. Cause we were gonna go down to. My parents had a beach house down at Virginia beach on 61st Street. And they were at the house. Mom and dad, please don't get mad. But I did used to do that a lot. But I went down to the house and we had set this whole night up where it was gonna be romantic and beautiful. And then I was, like, totally into her. And it was really. It almost was like that Top Gun scene where you could hear Take my Bre in the background. And we had talked about it all month, about what a special moment this was going to be. And I had bought the condoms and everything like that. And. And. And. And when we went to go get hot and heavy, we were up in my attic, and it was really, really, really romantic. And when we got to the sex part, it lasted probably. I mean, I'm gonna give it a good 31 or 41 seconds before I had. Before I had ejaculated. And I remember when we were done, she was just so looking at me. And she was a really petite girl, but she was looking at me. She was like, man, I can't believe I waited 17 years for that. And I'm like, no, I understand. Yeah. And I was like, you know, honestly, though, Lauren, the second time's gonna be better. I mean, this is gonna be great. And she was like, no, no, no, we're gonna do this. And we were really. We really were a team. And so. Go, team. And so anyway, it was time for round two. You know, you hear the bell ding, ding, and it was time. And I was, like, frantically thinking in my head, I'm going to make sure she knows what sex is all about after this. And I reached over and grabbed the condoms and I ripped it open. And it was very. It was very herky. Jerky, I would say, is the right word. And I rolled it down and did the pinched top the way my brother had told me. And I pinched the top down, and I went to go. You know, not to be gross, but I went to go and get inside of her. And when we were making love, we, like, sort of popped, and the condom sort of popped off. And I had bought this spermicidal nonoxyl 9 kind of condoms. So when it popped off, I did that thing where you're frantically grabbing it and just, like, jamming it back down, but it wasn't rolling this time. I was like, more or less pulling it straight down. And I was like, man, that's a little weird the way that went on. But we're doing it. And I remember she was on top, which I'm into that because I'm lazy. And she was on top top. And I got, like, really close to the pinnacle of where I was going to climax. And right as I was about to climax, this pain came on the head of my penis that was the worst pain I've ever had in my life, where I was like. And I shoved her off of me to where she literally bounced off onto the floor of the attic. And it was one of those single beds. And I was like, oh, my God. I don't know what's going on. Something really hurts, Lauren. Something really hurts. She's like, well, you really hurt me. And I'm like, yeah, I know, but something's really going wrong here. And I'm not kidding around. Something's awful. So I went to the bathroom, and I went to the restroom, and I was trying to go to go to number one. And when I got there. When I got there, I could not urinate. I mean, I'm talking about. It was. It felt like a pinching pain, like somebody was written. I was like, man, something's really wrong here. And I was like, lauren, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to take you home. And like, I was ghost white. And I remember just thinking about her feelings for like, a half a second where I was like, God, can you imagine the first two times she had sex? The first time, you know, was 10 seconds. And the second time, I just. I bucked her like a horse or whatever. And so I drove her home. She lived on Norview Avenue. And I drove back to Portsmouth, God's country again. And I went to go see my parents. I was still living, obviously still living there in high school. And I went into the house, and mom and dad were very close, but my mom has a very Southern voice. And dad sometimes has. Has a bit of a Southern voice as well. And when I walked in, mom was like, brady Petty, what's wrong? And I was like, mom, I'm nothing.
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I just.
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I need to go. I'm not feeling well. I gotta go. To bed. She's like, brads, I can tell something's going on with you. And I'm like, no, we're good. And what I had told Lauren and what I had come up with this big plan was, is that I would go and get into a bathtub. And I thought for some reason, because I guess I think I'm a doctor, that I could just urinate in the tub, you know? And so I turned on the bathtub, I got in the bath, in the bathtub, and I try to go again. And it wasn't working, so I started screaming. I was like, ah. And I hear this, you know, brady, Patty, what is going on in there? And at this point in time, I'm not like. I mean, my parents, they are very Victorian, but I also still want to be able to use my dick again, you know? And so I was like, man, I'm just going to complain. And I got up and, like, opened the door. I'm like, mom, I'm sorry. And I had a towel, and I'm like, I don't know what's going on. I think I put a condom on backwards. And I think. I think I'm having an allergic reaction or something down there. And she was like, why don't you go tell your father? So I went downstairs to see my father, who was reading some philosophy book at the time, and he was. I think it was Heraclitus. Anyway, and I got down there and I was like, dad, I'm sorry. I think I'm have to go to the emergency room. I did it really quick. I remember thinking about this. I was like, I'm just going to go for it. And I went up and I was like, dad, I put a condom on backwards. I think I'm having an allergic reaction. My penis isn't working right. And he. He stared at me for a minute. He's like, ah, son, I was in the army. And I'm like, okay. And he's like, I know that some of those guys you went off and had sex with a hooker and you got an std, don't you? And I'm like, no, no, I'm honestly telling the truth. It's like, son, I'm kind of that hard to believe. Like, dad, I'm serious. I need to go to the emergency room. So they're like, all right, fine. So we all packed in this car, and it's a nice family trip to the emergency room. And we get to Maryview out in Portsmouth. And we get to Maryview, and I remember we're sitting down. You know where they do that thing where they get your information and insurance and everything? And they're like, well, what happened? Mom goes, tell them. So I told them. I told them what the problem was. And the guy sort of smirks and looks down. And when I went into the doctor's office. I'll fast forward a little bit for time here. When I get in there, the man came in. He was like, okay, let's take a look at it. And he pulls out my penis. And he looks at it, and he's like, huh? Tell me what happened. I said, well, I put the condom on. I kind of yanked it back down. And he was like, do you know what kind of condominium it was? And I was like, yeah, it was a spermicidal kind. And he was like, oh, okay. I think you are having an allergic reaction to the non oxyl non. It's actually quite common. And he goes over and gets his nurse to bring in what looks like suntan lotion. It's about this big, and it has a top, like, copper tone. And he was like, all right, now what I want you to do is pump this into the head of your penis. And I'm like, that sounds fun. And so I had to do this. Here I am sitting on there, and I'm pumping this into my penis. And I'm. And he's like, make sure you hold the head. And I don't like being told what to do in life. So, like, I tested this one time and just sort of let go, and it shot across the room. But. But what he told me it would do is it would numb my penis and that I'd be able to urinate again. And then he would give me a medication. So it did. I finally got to go use the bathroom, which was the most fantastic urination of my life. And he gave me this packet of pills, and he said, all right, these pills are going to do something or another. I'm not a doctor, obviously, after the bathroom thing. And he gave me these pills, and he said, here's the side effects. It's gonna make your urine Technicolor. So it'll come out, you know, orange, neon green, whatever it is. And I'm like, okay, whatever, you know? And he gives it to me. He goes, and I don't want you to have sexual intercourse for the next. Let's give it five to seven days. I'm like, yeah, you got it. So about three or four days later, Lauren and I were with each other again. And I was driving a bronco at the time. And we were in Portsmouth, about a block or two away from my house, and she was like, feeling it and so was I, and she starts touching on me. And I had used the bathroom obviously a bunch of times since then, and it was in fact Technicolor. But she decided to give me a hand job, which is not my favorite thing, but I'll take it. And at the time, I wore tighty whities again. So she did the old game and she was left handed, actually. And yeah, she did that reverse. But anyway, I got to the point where I ejaculated and when I nutted, it was. It was purple. And I just remember, like looking down at it. So now this girl's now had the three of the worst sexual escapades of her entire life. And I'm like, you know what? This is fucking embarrassing. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
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I'm just gonna.
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I'm just gonna do the cleanup and throw my tighty whities out the window. So I did it and just chucked them out the window, gave her a ride home, and then came back. Fast forward. About three days later, I'm at the dinner table with my father, who is talking to me about Heraclitus and philosophy. My brother and my sister and mom went on her normal walks that she does and about man. And as we were in the middle of our dinner, my mother came walking in with a stick and my purple stained semen tighty whities on the end of it. And she's like, brad, what in the hell is this? And my brother was like. And my sister's losing a laugh. And to this day, they still call me the purple penis shooter. So thank you very much. That's my story.
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Brad McMurran, everyone. And let's hear it for Brad's parents, who are.
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We'll be right back.
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When did making plans get this complicated? It's time to streamline with WhatsApp, the secure messaging app that brings the whole group together. Use polls to settle dinner plans, send event invites and pin messages so no one forgets mom 60th and never miss a meme or milestone. All protected with end to end encryption. It's time for WhatsApp message privately with everyone. Learn more@WhatsApp.com Limu Emu and Doug.
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Here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Uh, limu is that guy with the.
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Binoculars watching us, cut the camera, they see us. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty Liberty, Liberty Liberty Savings vary underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.
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We're back.
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All right, I'd like to bring up our next storyteller. She is also a stand up and she has her own podcast which is called Invitation to Love. Please welcome to the stage Ms. Alicia Camden.
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Hello.
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I'm so nervous I think I'm gonna barf. Just kidding. And then I'll have a story to tell next time I'm on Risk. So right after I graduated from college, I moved to Washington D.C. so I could do some full time volunteering and kickstart a career working for nonprofits. And the day my mom came to pick me up from the community house I was living in because I couldn't afford to live there anymore and I had failed to break into DC's cutthroat nonprofit industry, I hugged my boyfriend at the time and I said, don't worry, I'll be back because I thought he was really sad. And he said, yeah, cool, I'll see you later, dude. And it didn't take long to realize that I wouldn't be going back. That instead I would live with my mom and I would work at a string of demeaning minimum wage jobs. And then from there things would just kind of go from bad to worse with no end in sight. So I dealt with the grief the best way I knew how, which is by just wallowing in self pity. That's kind of an exaggeration. I did make attempts at trying to do constructive things. Maybe I couldn't find a job at a non profit that inspired me or fulfilled me, but I was gonna try. I was gonna do something. So that summer I started an all ages music venue in a church. And I had these grand ideas that I was gonna be this person fostering this, you know, community of creative young people and it was gonna be gender inclusive and they were just gonna grow under my watch. And what it really was was just a bunch of 15 to 18 year old boys and who hated me because I wouldn't let them get drunk or let their girlfriends in for free. The last straw was the night that I had to confront a teenager with dwarfism because I caught him with a bottle of Jim Beam and I said, hey man, put it away. I'm gonna have to kick you out. And he, with the bottle in his hand, looked up at me and said, put what away? So that was the last Straw. So that failed. After consuming all of my free time and money and energy. So I was alone. I was broke. But it was okay. Because there was this one glimmering promise of happiness on the horizon, and that was that me and Truly were going to have the best Halloween ever. Now, pretty much the only good part about moving home was that I got to patch up this friendship with a girl whose name is Truly. That's her name. Truly. She was one of the closest friends I'd ever had. And we'd had this falling out that caused me more guilt and remorse than any romantic failure I'd ever had. And for years, I thought Truly was gonna be the one that got away. But we spent the whole year patching up our friendship. And come October, I was just so ready to go out and celebrate our shared love of Halloween. Just like we had when we were like reckless, newly independent, kind of unshowered 19 year olds living on our own for the first time. The year we got together in my first apartment and made costumes out of felt and hot glue. And I was like a Burt Ward era Robin, like Batman and Robin with little green briefs on. And she was a pumpkin. And it was just like one of the best nights of my life. And I remembered it so vividly. So we're sitting around and we're tossing ideas back and forth. We're not sure what we're going to be yet. She's been wanting to buy a bear suit for a long time. And she had been down to Novelties Unlimited to get some prices. And I was kind of thinking about being Dr. Herbert west from the horror cult classic the Reanimator, when I just had this like eureka light bulb moment. And I was like, the Hamburglar. I'm gonna be the Hamburglar. And she said, yes. Cause that's perfect. Because there's nothing better than that, right? I'm a vegetarian, by the way. But I threw myself into making the most meticulous and accurate hamburglar costume I possibly could. I used Truly's sewing machine to make my own black and yellow cape. And I made a big hamburger tie out of felt. And I hand painted a prison jumpsuit. And I bought the best big Lone Ranger hat and bandit mask money could buy. And my shoes were appropriately bright red and comically large because they belong to my sister and she has really big feet. And Truly found a homemade child sized bear suit at the thrift store. So, like a costume someone had made years ago, who knows how long ago, but it was great. The pants were about five inches Too short. And it was absolutely perfect. So Halloween was on a weeknight. But our plan for Friday, the first night of the Hollow weekend, was to go see a Misfits cover band play at a costume party. So I went over after work and we got all dressed up. We were feeling great, we looked amazing. We drank a few beers, a lot of beers. And we set out on foot and it was drizzling, but I was so excited, positive that we were going to be the life of the party in our amazing costumes and a little drunk maybe. I was a little confused about where we were going because I was kind of surprised when we got to the address to see a church outside. There were like these kids, they were like six to eight years younger than us and they were all kind of just like indifferently smoking and standing around and not wearing costumes. So we give $5 to this 18 year old at the door and he writes big black X's on our hands and we proceed into an all ages music venue in a church that is full of about like 150 teenagers in like flannels and jeans. And they're like moshing to one of the opening bands now. Okay, we weren't necessarily the oldest people there because all the guys in the Misfits cover band had like five or six years on us and there were a couple other like sad old punks, but we were probably the oldest girls there and we were definitely the only people in costume. I mean there were like a couple of like half assed costumes. There's like this goth girl dressed up as Lydia from Beetlejuice. But that'd be like if I went to a costume party right now and was like, oh, I'm Jess from the new girl. Get it. Like that's like almost as bad as wearing no costume at all. For those of you who are like listening to the podcast and you can't see me, I kind of look like a chubby Zooey Deschanel. Not chubby, but like if Zooey Deschanel was allergic to bees and she got stung by like a lot of bees. So we took a good look around and left and walked to the nearest 711 and bought tall boys with Miller Lite and drank them on the way back and showed up again. So at this point, determined to have the night of my life, desperate to prove to these kids, many of whom I recognize from my brief foray into venue running, that I am like cool and totally relevant and I can totally hang and I am a lot drunk. So in that church basement full of 17 year old boys who idolize Blink 182, I somehow managed to be the most obnoxious person in the room. I'm like determined not to stand in the back with the girls, but to hold my own in the mosh pit. Like these guys, they can't have this exclusive male only space, man. I can totally hang. And so I'm like, it's pretty aggressive and my cape is getting stepped on and my hat's getting knocked off a lot. But I'm pretty determined. And by the time the Misfits cover band starts, I'm fighting my way to the front so I can sing into the microphone with the lead singer. Even though I only know 70% of the lyrics and to like 30% of the misfits songs. But I am a Hamburglar on a mission to prove that 25 year old girls with liberal arts degrees can still be punk. Someone actually told me months later that that night a picture of me came up on their Instagram feed and the caption was Fuck this Hamburgl. Okay, so there's this one man in particular who's in the pit with us and he's just being really rough with everybody. He's like thrash dancing and pushing and shoving people. And he looked to be kind of like in his mid-30s, but for all his like macho posturing in the mosh pit, he doesn't look punk at all. He just kind of looks like a high school bully. Like specifically Biff from Back to the Future. So we're gonna call him Biff. He's even like wearing a letterman jacket. And everyone, everyone was annoyed with this guy. So I've got my fist in the air and I'm like screaming lyrics along with everybody else in the room in what feels like this euphoric moment of punk rock solidarity. When somebody pushes me so hard that I go flying across the room like a Looney Tunes, like a, like a, like a Three Stooges esque kind of spill. Like picture the Hamburglar going backwards down a slip and slide, just like woo all the way through the room, knocking down teenagers left and right. And truly runs up to me and she bends over to help me up and she goes, are you okay? And I jump up, I pushed her aside and I laid eyes on Biff. Cause I knew that fucker did it. And I just knew that he just couldn't handle having a woman woman up in his space. And so I ran up to him. I'm filled with like self righteous purpose. Like somebody's got to stand up to this bully for punk's sake. And I felt this, like, thrill, like I was running into battle. But what he sees is the Hamburglar running at him and grabbing him by the shirt front. And he looked startled suddenly, and he almost looked childish. And I felt really powerful. So I shoved him in the chest. And I yell exactly the thing you yell when you're starting a fight. What the fuck is your problem, man? And I watched his expression change from startled to blind rage. And before I knew it, I was in a fight for the first time in my whole life. But not so much a fight. I was getting the shit kicked out of me by a grown man in a church basement while dressed as the Hamburglar. And Biff kind of fought like a bully. He didn't, like, throw punches like you would think, like a punch like in a proper fight. I imagine he was just. It was more of like a. Like a shovey kind of sloppy brawl. And so he shoved me really hard. And I took a few steps back thinking, run away. But he grabbed me and he pulled me back so he could push me again. And I was just like, frozen. I didn't know what to do. It was terrifying and pretty painful. But finally someone pulled him off of me and I turned around and ran away, followed by the disgusted stares of a church basement full of 150 teenagers. And I went. And I sat on a radiator in the corner and Truly shuffled over to me, red in the face, one embarrassed little bear, and handed me my hamburger tie, which had been ripped off at some point. And she looked concerned, but also, like, humiliated. And she said, are you all right? And I said, oh, I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened. I don't know why I did that or what came over me. I'm really, really sorry. And she said, it's okay. Even when it's like, not okay. But the show was over anyway, so I pinned my tie back on and we left. And yeah, I was like. I was thinking, like, that was really crazy and embarrassing, but I've never seen these people before, and I'll probably never see them again. And maybe this can just be me and Truly's little secret. And, you know, maybe tomorrow I can go do something fun too, and we can save the Hollow weekend. My costume's like a little beat up, and there's like, not an exaggeration. There's like a boot print on it. And I was like, you know, wet cloth. And so we leave and we're walking away outside the church on the sidewalk and someone ran up behind us. And I turned around and it was Biff. And he said, hey, look, listen, wouldn't it hit you if I knew you were a girl? I guess he literally thought I was the Hamburglar. And I knew that I had done like a stupid and embarrassing thing, but I also knew that he was an asshole and he wasn't really sorry. So I wasn't going to accept his faux apologies because I knew he was just trying to get me to admit that I was in the wrong. But he kept coming off with these, I'm sorry, but. I'm sorry, but I'm sorry, but you just can't come up in here and tell people what to do. And I'm sorry, but you can't take it personally if you get hurt at a show. And look, I'm sorry, but I'm trying to apologize here. And I said, you're not apologizing, you're just confronting me again. And I just don't want to talk to you. And please, good night, leave me alone. And I turn around and walk away. He says, hey, listen, sweetheart. And I whip around, I'm not your fucking sweetheart. And he just starts screaming at me, you know what? You're a fucking nobody. You're a piece of shit. No one cares about you. I've been repping this scene for 20 years. Who the fuck do you think you are? You coming up in here, who gives a shit? You're gonna be gone in a year anyway. And he's like saying things he has no idea like how on point and hurtful they are. Like you're a nobody and you're alone and no one cares about you. And then a friend of his runs up behind him and looks to Truly and says, hey, Truly, you know this girl? And I turn to Truly, I said, you know them? And I just start sobbing hysterically. And we turn around and walk away as he just like keeps screaming insults at me. And I just felt overwhelmed suddenly with everything that was bad, everything that wasn't fair and me being lonely and being a failure and having just ruined the one good thing that we were supposed to have. But all I could say through my very loud sobs was, I embarrassed you. Oh my God, I embarrassed you, Truly. And she walked me to her apartment insisting that it was okay, that that guy was a total loser, that he's a 34 year old cable guy and he's got a girl name for a first name and all he had were those dumb punk shows, so who cares what he thinks anyway? And we got to her apartment and I just cried myself to sleep on her couch. And the next morning I walked to my car. And by walk, I mean limped in a dirty hand painted prison jumpsuit. And my side view mirror was gone and there was shattered glass on the street. Knowing the value of my car that totaled it pretty much. And I drove home to my mom's and I didn't leave the house for days. Now, I know that's what in Alcoholics Anonymous they would call a soft bottom, but that was rock bottom for me. And with nowhere else to go, things only went up from there. I got a job. I moved out in like a Hail Mary pass for like, maybe this will work. I started doing stand up comedy and it's not a total embarrassment and I am actually kind of good at it. And now I kind of look back on that night as the night I kind of moved from my early 20s into my late 20s. And I learned one, that a lot of people know this Biff guy and they all think he's an asshole. Two, he didn't push me down. A really fat guy knocked me over, but he's still an asshole. And three, that if I tell this story and it's a good story, then I win and he loses. So now I tell it to everyone who will listen, even though it's probably the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me. And it's a good thing that I've kind of gotten over the whole thing because now that I live in Norfolk, I see him every time I go out every time. Luckily, he doesn't recognize me without the mask on, But I just have this fear that one day I'm gonna run into him at some place like 80:20 Burger Bar, and I won't be able to resist the urge to just run up to him and snatch a hamburger out of his hands and yell, rabble robble, motherfucker. Thank you.
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That was Alicia Camden or Zooey Deschanel after being stung by a lot of bees. And our last storyteller is one of those two gentlemen I was talking about earlier who has written that play Cuff Me, that is off Broadway right now. He is also a member of the Pushers, the fantastic sketch and improv group here. Please welcome to the stage, Mr. Shawn Devereaux.
- [37:11]
C
So tonight I'm going to tell you a story about the first time I was truly honest with a woman. I grew up with a very Irish Catholic mother. And I don't know if you know a lot about Irish Catholic mothers, but they are Always right. You can't argue with them, you can't reason with them. They are never wrong. And because of that, I learned at a very early age to just tell my mom whatever it was she wanted to hear. So, I mean, it didn't matter if it was true or not. It didn't matter if I believed it or not, as long as it was what my mom wanted to hear. Things in the household were easy breezy. So I took that philosophy that I developed as a kid and I kind of moved it to my adult life with my relationships with women. So always tell the girl whatever it is she wants to hear. So, you know, I'd be in a relationship. And these questions come up a lot like, you know, do you love me? Do you think this relationship is going to somewhere? Do you want to see the Notebook tonight? And the answer is always yes. Just tell them what they want to hear. So this story is about a girl named Amy. I met Amy at a bar called Kogan's, which is actually not far from here. And she was really beautiful, but not in that traditional kind of beautiful way, I guess. I guess you would call her kind of like a hipster chick. She wore all her clothes were from a thrift store, and her hair was very kind of messy and unkempt, but in that way that you could tell she spent a lot of time to get her hair to look like. She didn't spend a lot of time on her hair. And she's really big into, like eyeshadow, like just huge, like pink and purple, just kind of swaths of color across her eyes. And she had a tongue ring and a lip ring. I mean, a nose ring. And she was there with her friends and I was there with my friends. And we were on the same drink schedule, meaning we would both kind of like finish our beers at the same time. So we were always at the bar waiting for, for the bartender to get us our next drink. And this happened, you know, throughout the evening. So after, like the second or third time we were up there, you know, I just started kind of cracking jokes with her and small talk. And then the bartender would get give us our drinks, we'd go our separate ways. And then about, you know, 30 minutes, 45 minutes later, we'd find ourselves back at the bar. And again, this went on throughout the night. So at the end of the evening, as I'm leaving the bar, she comes up to me and says, like, hey, do you want to go to a party? And it's 2:00am and you know, I have to work the next day. So of course I said, yeah, let's party. So we hop in her car, we go careening off through Norfolk. And in the car ride, she tells me that although she's from Hampton Roads, she spent the last seven or eight years in Arizona. And out in Arizona, she was a member of a performance art troupe. She was their fire breather and their trapeze artists. And for some reason, like, at 2 o' clock in the morning, I was like, well, duh. I mean, who isn't a trapeze artist? I mean, for some reason, that just seemed entirely normal to me. Also, in the car ride, she told me that she was madly in love with her boyfriend who was still in Arizona. And, like, my first thought was like, well, this night is gonna suck. But again, you know, at least she's telling me now before I make like a fool out of myself, you know, trying to flirt with her or anything. So I'm gonna just make the best of it. So we get to this house and it's actually she's. It's a friend of hers house. She's crashing on the sofa for a couple days. And as soon as we get there, the party just kind of breaks up. You know, people either go home or they go to bed. So it's just Amy and I, and, you know, we start drinking some more. And then again, I'm not quite sure how it happened, but the drinking kind of turned into us making out. And that making out turned to us having sex on the sofa and passing out and about. It must have been like five or six o' clock in the morning. I hear, like, on the front door. Somebody's knocking on the front door. We both kind of wake, like in a start, and, like, and she's like, go answer it. And I'm like, I don't live here. And she's like, I don't either, so just go answer it. And I'm like, you know, and the pounding on the door is getting more and more insistent, and she's like, just go, all right, just go answer the door. Okay. So I'm looking around the living room and it's still kind of like pitch black, trying to find my clothes, and I can't find anything. And the pounding on the door is getting louder and louder. And Amy's starting to freak out. She says, just please answer the door. So I take the sofa cushions, and I have one in front and kind of one behind me. And I go up to the front door and I kind of open it a little bit. And pick up the. And I'm like, hello? And there's a girl standing on the doorstep. And she's like, who the fuck are you? I'm like, oh, I'm Sean. And she's like, what are you doing in my house? And I'm like, oh, I thought this was. And it suddenly dawned on me. I had absolutely no idea whose house I was in. And she pushes open the door and blows past me. As it turns out that Amy's friend, this was her roommate. And she'd been out of town for a week and had lost her keys. So she came home to some naked dude fondling her sofa cushions. So the roommate and this girl get into this huge screaming fight. And Amy's like, you know, we should probably get out of here. So we quicken her, get dressed, and hop in the car. And she takes me back to my car, which is still up at the bar. And it's a very awkward silent car ride. Like, we don't really speak at all. On the way back to my car, we finally get there, and she parks. And I was like, well, that was a weird night, but fun. I had a good time, you know, if you ever want to hang out. And she's like, I just need to stop you right there. And she put, like, her hand up in front of my face, and she said, I have a boyfriend, and I'm madly in love with him. Like, oh, okay, bye. So I get out of the car and I slam the door. And as I'm about to walk off, she kind of leans over the passenger side and rolls down the window, and she says, I'll call you later. And I'm like, okay, sure. So we quick and hurry, exchange numbers, and she drives off. And later that evening, she gives me a call, and she says, hey, I'm up at the Taphouse. Do you want to hang out? I'm like, yeah, sure. So I go to the Taphouse, and we just start pounding beers. We get really, really drunk, and we go back to my house and start making out and have sex and pass out on my sofa this time. And she wakes up in the morning and she leaves. And then. And the next night she calls me. We meet up at another bar and just drink excessively and then go back to my house and have sex. And this went on every single day for 30 days. Every single night, she would call me up and we would go to some bar and just get close to blackout drunk and go back to my house and have sex. And we never would talk. Like, after. After 30 days. The only thing I knew about her was that she was madly in love with this guy in Arizona. Because she would tell me, like right before we would have sex. Like, I had no idea where she worked, I had no idea where she lived. I didn't know her last name. I just knew that she was a fire breather and trapeze artist and that she had a boyfriend in Arizona. So after 30 days, I was like, I can't do this anymore. I mean, physically I couldn't do it. Cause it was like a 30 day long hangover. I mean, and plus it started to like mess with my mind a little bit. Like, you know, I'd like blown off all my friends. Cause all I was doing was just, you know, drinking, you know, till I pretty much puked and then had sex with some girl that, you know, who was a trapeze artist supposedly. So I finally said, you know, we need to figure this out. So why don't we go to lunch one morning, like right before she left, she's like, hey, why don't we meet up for lunch later on the day? And I picked lunch because I figured there would be no alcohol involved and we could actually maybe sit down and talk and figure out what was going on. So we go to lunch. It was this little restaurant near Odu, Mexican restaurant that's not there anymore. And you know, we have small talk as we order our food. And then after we order our food, just silence. Like nothing. So, you know, I try to start conversations like, so, have you read any good books lately? She's like, no. Oh, okay, what about music? You know, any bands that you're kind of into right now? She's like, no. And that was the entire lunch. Like after I tried a couple more questions and nothing. Just pure silence. Awkward silence for the rest of the lunch. So it was about that time that it started to dawn on me. Like, you know, maybe Amy is not the right girl for me. But then I also, I also noticed as we were eating that she kind of held. Well, it's not kind of. She did. She held her fork in her face fist and just kind of used it to shovel like food. And you know, I guess I was sort of kind of not cool with not being able to talk. But I'm a very shallow person. And this was the deal breaker for me. Like, I was like, you know, I can no longer be with this girl. So part of like, you know, one of the things I learned with my mom is, you know, aside from telling her what she wants to hear, is Just avoid confrontation at all cost, especially when you're dealing with women. So what I did is I made myself physically and emotionally distant, meaning I started picking up extra shifts at work. Picked up, like, some extracurricular activities. There was. I read in, like, the portfolio, which was like the weekly newspaper at the time, that there was, like, auditions at Little Theater Norfolk. So I went out and auditioned for the play and I got the part. So I would have rehearsals. So every night when she would call to hang out, I had a legitimate excuse as to why I couldn't. I figured that after a couple days that she would get the hint and stop calling and then things would be fine. But she didn't. This went on for about two weeks. Every single night she would call, and every single night I would scramble to find an excuse as to why we couldn't hang out. And then. So one night, I'm home. It's about 2 o' clock in the morning. I'm sound asleep. I had just worked a double at work, and there's a knock on my door, and I go to answer it, and she's Amy. And she's like, we need to talk. And I'm like, I don't think that's really a good idea. She's like, no, we need to talk right now. It's not going to take long. And I'm like, all right, fine. So I come in. So I go into my living room and she kind of looks up at me and she says, do you think we're boyfriend and girlfriend? And I don't know why that this is the moment that I decided to grow up and become a man, because I know all she wants me to say is yes. And every fiber of my being says, just say yes and you can deal with it later. But for some reason, I say no. And she kind of looks at me. And your eyes kind of start to tear up a little bit, and she's like, like, well, why? Like? Well, I mean, for starters, you have a boyfriend in Arizona, which you bring up every single night we hang out. And she says, well, if I got rid of him, do you see us as being boyfriend and girlfriend? And again, every fiber in my being, I say, just say yes and you can go back to bed. But I say, I say no, and she freaks out. She throws her purse across like, what do you mean, no? And throws it across the room and stuff goes flying everywhere. And she goes and she picks everything up and puts it back in her bag, and then she throws the bag again and she's like, what do you mean, no? Why? Why not? Like, well, for starters, we don't. We have nothing in common. We can't speak to each other. She's like, so what? So it's just all about sex for you? And I'm like, no. Well, maybe, yes, but. And she's like, so that's it? You just been using me this entire time for sex? I'm like, well, technically, you know, you called me, which again, is probably not the thing I should have said because she threw the purse against the wall again and picked everything up. And she's like, I. I hate you so much right now, I cannot even look at you. And she storms out of my house. And I was like, whoa. That was really not what I wanted to deal with at 2:30, 3 o' clock in the morning. So I sit down on my couch and I'm trying to, like, you know, just process what happened. And I should have locked the door, but I didn't. So about five minutes late at the door kicks open and Amy's there in the doorway. And she's like, I am so angry right now. If I knew you better, I would punch you in the face. I was like, well, I mean, that kind of goes to my point. I mean, we've been having sex with each other for the past month, and you don't know me well enough to punch me in the face. And for some reason, that kind of clicked with her. And she said, but, you know, I think we could be good together. And I'm like, you know, I like you a lot, but I just don't. And she said. She said, I want to play you a song. And I'm like, what? I was like, please, I've been thinking about this all day. There's this song that I want to play for you that compasses everything I think about you. And I think if you listen to it, you can see how good we could be together. And at this point, how? I'm like, yeah, sure, you know what? Fine, Play the song. So she gets the CD out of her purse and she's about to put it in the CD player, and she looks at me and she says, will you dance with me? And I'm like, you know what? This night can't get any weirder. So yes, yes, I will dance with you. So she puts the CD in the CD player and presses play. And Sheena Easton's Morning Train comes on. Like my baby takes a morning train. He works from 9 to 5, and then only it's entirely in French. So at 3:30 in the morning morning, Amy and I are dancing around my apartment to a French cover version of Sheena Easton's Morning Train. And then the song over, the song ends. And she takes a step back from me and she like, looks at me in the eyes and she says, see? And I'm like, no. And you know what, Amy? I'm going to to bed. You can stay and sleep on the couch or you can go, but I'm going to sleep. And I just walked down to the hallway into my bedroom and I pulled the covers over my head and I could hear kind of moving around in the living room. And then she walked down the hall and kind of stopped, you know, in front of my bedroom door. And I like, deep down, I was like, well, this is the night I'm gonna die because she is gonna stab me. And she stood there for a couple minutes and then she walked out the front door and it shut behind her. And I quick in a hurry, got out of bed and locked it. And that was the last time I ever saw or heard from Amy again. And since then, again, I think about that night a lot. And now I am truthful with women at least 50% of the time.
- [55:17]
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I will find my own way home. The obstacles or sticks and star our own star our own Grinding down the bathing tract in an old and busted Cadillac no All the king's horses and all the kingsmen Couldn't tell you no with all the king's voices Couldn't keep me back from home.
- [56:10]
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That'S all for this week, folks. This is Tessarose Jackson behind me now. And thanks so much to everyone at the Norfolk Comedy Festival. We hope to get back there soon. Find us on Twitter and Facebook riskshow. You can find me on Twitter hekevinalison and you can always learn more about what we do and what we offer at risk-show.com folks, today's the day. Take a risk.
- [56:41]
E
Do you know what all the kings are said and all the king's men.
- [56:51]
C
That Hamburglar wishes everything he touches would turn to McDonald's cheeseburgers.
- [56:55]
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Rubble. Rubble.