Paula Pezderka (1:28)

What is dax?

Kevin Allison (1:30)

Are you tracking all our cars on Carvana Value Tracker on all our devices? Yes, Kristen. Yes, I am.

Robert Bland (1:36)

Well, I've been looking for my phone for.

Kevin Allison (1:38)

In Dax's domain, we see all. So we always know what our cars are worth.

Robert Bland (1:42)

All of them?

Kevin Allison (1:43)

All of them. Value surge trucks up 3.9%.

Robert Bland (1:47)

That's a great offer. I know.

Kevin Allison (1:50)

Sell.

Robert Bland (1:50)

Sell.

Kevin Allison (1:52)

Track your car's value with Carvana Value Tracker today.

Josh Gondelman (1:57)

Hey, folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. This week we are listening to one that was first released in March of 2013. This is live from North Carolina.

Robert Bland (2:24)

Hi, folks. This is Kevin.

Josh Gondelman (2:28)

That is a little boy in North Carolina named Lachlan, whose mother, her name is Erica Kalis. She explained to me she'll only let him listen to the first sentence that's uttered on any given episode of this show. He thinks the show itself is called, hi, folks, this is Kevin. So thank you so much for helping us introduce the show this week. Lachlan. And to the rest of you, just a few words before we start. If you are new to the Risk podcast, be sure and check out our recent Best of Risk number three and four episodes and our Live from San Francisco episodes. Those are great ways to get to know the show. And if you already know the show, share those suckers with your friends. Now, here's the show. Hello, kids. This is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and this is Matanza behind me. Now, you have to pardon me, my voice is a little hoarse today. I was involved in a little bit of a spanking imbroglio last night that's left my voice a little shattered. Today's episode is called Live from North Carolina. We had such a great time down there at the North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival. The whole thing is kind of put together by the DSI Comedy Theater. And Zach Ward, and he was just such a sweetheart, took such good care of us. And what a thrill to see how many people down there are big Risk fans. Some people came all the way from Atlanta. It was also a real thrill to see the storytelling shows that are happening down there. They have the Monty and they have a show. It's very new, but it's a kinky storytelling show called Mouth of the South. You can find on Twitter motsshow. In a little bit, we're gonna hear from a local storyteller down there named Robert Bland. But before that, Jane Borden, lovely lady, author of the book I Totally Meant to Do that. And here she is now at the Risk Live show in North Carolina. Jane Borden with the story we call kid stuff.

Jane Borden (5:43)

All right, so I'm sitting at my sister's kitchen table, and my nephew, who was six at the time, looks up at me and says, apropos of nothing, he goes, hey, I'm gonna poop on your butt. And then my sister says, I don't care if Aunt Jane is laughing. I don't like that language. But I couldn't help it. The kid's a genius. Poop on your butt. Not only did he squeeze two forbidden words into one sentence, he also subtly implied the presence of his own derriere, which is a triple A major hit for someone obsessed with scatological talk. And just for the record, I do not typically endorse bathroom humor. Why? Because it's easy and it's overdone. Right. Let's investigate, however, that both of those are also indicators of its initial universal hilariousness. A poop joke is the first joke, right? It's the gateway laugh, so powerful that even a six year old can grasp it. I'm sorry, Bernie Mac, but poop is the original king of comedy. So if I wanted to encourage a sense of humor in my nephew, how could I discourage his obsession with his own rear end? That would be like telling a young Peyton Manning to put down the Nerf. And this is why, as soon as my sister was out of earshot, I asked my nephew if he would like to manufacture some fart sounds. He said that he would. He already knew this one where you put your arm, you know, your hand in your armpit. But I taught him the one with the palms together up against your mouth when you blow. He was kind of having a tough time with it, though. And his hands were getting. We tried to, like, wipe the slobber off, and I had to grab his hand and go, no, no, don't. The slobber makes him better. These are precious moments. I wish I could say that I was motivated by a desire to squash taboos and something on a high horse, but the truth is that I was desperate to have some kind of relationship with this kid. He and I had always had a tough time. I knew the problem was me because he had a great relationship with my mother and my other sister. But whenever I came over, he would have to be forced to hug me. He'd be playing, like, literally. My sister would be like, franklin, get.

Robert Bland (8:20)

Over here and hug your aunt.

Jane Borden (8:23)

And then he'd just like, like sulk over and stand there. Just like, get it over with. Just the worst. Just the worst. And it might be because when he was an infant and everyone was kind of like singing to him and bouncing up and down, I mostly just held him in front of me and stared at him. Just long bouts of eye contact, as if I thought his lack of speech wasn't because he didn't know how, but because of a quiet strength. So it's possible that he saw me at an older age and was like, you. But it's more likely that that whole experience is just another manifestation of the real problem, which is that I'm not around. Both of my sisters have moved back home close to where my parents are. They're all together and I'm not. And this doesn't affect my relationship with My sisters or my parents, because we started together, but my nephews are starting without me. And it scares me and leads me to act in desperate ways because I feel like a stranger. And the desperation and the strangerness are probably why my nephew accidentally accused me of inappropriate touching. We were on the playground, and he was at the top of the slide, and he wouldn't go down, but he wouldn't turn around and leave either. And the kids were lining up behind him, and I was like, franklin, come on. And he was just sort of sitting there being sullen. The kids started looking to me like a large person. Do something. And so I didn't know what to do, and I just kind of. I just. I don't know, I just started tickling him just to, like, I don't know, shake him up or something. And he goes, stop it. And he was kind of angry, and so I tickled him again, which was a really bad idea in retrospect. He took a step back away from me, and then he said definitively, I don't like the way you're touching me. Uh oh. Later that night, over a glass of wine, my sister was like, oh, yeah, Jean, I meant to tell you, I almost forgot. Franklin said the funniest thing today. He said something about you touching him in a way he didn't like. And then she did this laugh, this little, like, ha, ha, ha. As if to say, you know, like, surely you have no idea what I'm talking about now is when you tell me that you have no idea what I'm talking about. And so I said the only thing I could say, which was, yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. So suffice it to say, I was desperate for an in with this kid. And the thing is that with the butt stuff, it was working. So, like, now when I came over, he was legitimately excited to see me. And not only would he hug me or just really just let me hug him with less, you know, fuss about it, but he would immediately take me to see his latest Lego Tower, or he wanted to show me his high score on an iPad game or something. And it was the best. It's the greatest feeling in the world. So I was like, cool, you're into butts. I'm your butt girl. Double down on the butts. All of my money on butts. So we invented this game that we called Smack Ass, which is basically, you try to spank your opponent while simultaneously dodging his or her spanks, and you kind of like, turn your backs to each other. And back up toward each other, like shaking your butt out like a taunt, right? But then when you get close, you gotta spin around and smack. And it's way more inappropriate than tickling. But if he doesn't see it that way, I'm not bringing it up. I'm enjoying it too much. You know, I wanted more. Which is probably why when he asked his dad what a skid mark was, I suggested we tell him. And I honestly don't regret it. I don't. Because he squealed. He literally squealed in delight. His eyes grew twice their size and the skies opened up. But in that new light, I also saw the path I had chosen. And I began to become a little alarmed because where do we go from here? What happens when he outgrows butts? I'm going to tell him what a queef is. That is not how you become the coolant. That's how you become creepy aunt queef. The thing is, like, I knew I had to do something, right? I knew I had to pull back or something, because before he squealed and laughed, he did this. He goes, ew. That can happen. Disgust, horror, then joy and laughter. Butts are complicated. And he's starting to figure this out, right? And I don't want him to feel ashamed about it or embarrassed, But I also want him to understand that some other people do feel ashamed and embarrassed about it. There's disgust and fear and laughter and humor. And that's really just the beginning of how people consider butts and all of the things that butts can do. And, like, eventually he's gonna learn all this, and I have to help. I have to, like, facilitate somehow in the complication of butt dumb, right? Sharing this information. And so I decide the thing to do, because I remember the first time that I felt shame. And I've, in fact, never told anyone this before. And after I thought today about it and after I started practicing it, I thought, why? So here goes. So when I was a kid, I was maybe five, maybe four. It's one of my earliest memories. I was obsessed with those shape games. You know, like, the plus sign shape goes in the plus sign hole and the triangle thing goes in the triangle hole, et cetera. And I remember seeing my crayons and seeing that they were cylinders and sticking them up my nose and sticking them in my ears and then having to go knock on my mother's door because I had gotten one stuck in my rear. Thank you for clapping. And I was not. I remember that I was not embarrassed about it when I knocked on her door. But I have been embarrassed about it for the last 30 years. And it's not because she yelled at me. She didn't shame me or anything. But the intensity with which she forbade me from doing it again told the whole story. And why, like, I. I'm not embarrassed that I did it. I was four. I saw no distinction between any of the orifices on my body. I guess it's just an embarrassing thing to say. How do I explain all of this to my nephew? I decided to pull back, not quit entirely. I mean, I couldn't. The jig was up. Also, I really don't want him to let taboos hold power. But I decided I should at least pull back a little bit. So when we're just alone, just the two of us, I would indulge him. When we were in public with adults, I wouldn't teach him a time and a place in case he ever meets the queen. And the thing is that it was working. And I was like, cool, he gets it. He's starting to understand, right? But in retrospect, I realized that he had taken my change in behavior as some kind of challenge. And he was merely lulling me into a state of complacency for his counter attack, which happened at my parents house. We were all going out to dinner. He had a babysitter. He's standing at the landing on the stairs as we're walking out the door. And he goes, but Jane, I don't want you to go. He was definitely. I mean, he's a nice kid, but I could tell he was being sarcastic. And also, he's not that nice of a kid. So I say, well, honey, I want to believe you, but I think you're just toying with my emotions. And then he did this thing. He turned around, turned his back to us, threw his head back over his shoulder, stuck his butt out and goes, I think you're just toying with my butt. And I thought two things. First of all, he definitely knows they're sexual. Definitely figured that out. And then the second thing I thought was that it was damn funny. Thanks a lot, guys.

Josh Gondelman (18:29)

Jane Borden, everyone. I was listening backstage and I made a mental note. I thought to myself, you know what? Before I leave North Carolina, I really should sit down and talk with Jane and have her review for me the rules of that game. Smack Ass might be one I want to bring back to New York. Our next storyteller is from right here. He is one of the favorites at your own storytelling show, the Monty, which you should definitely check Out. It's been a thrill to meet Jeff over at the Monty and everyone else associated with it. He actually works. It's a four minute walk from here at Glenn's Tattoo Service. Please welcome Mr. Robert Blatt.

Kevin Allison (19:38)

No, keep, please keep laughing. Thanks. It's a little strange being up here. I feel kind of outclassed. It's like, oh, editor of New York thing. Somebody just flew in and got a cab and I, like, I walked. It's over there, so. And I'm going back after this. So if anybody wants any of the services as you may hear described in this story you're about to hear, please come by. So, as Kevin mentioned, I work in a tattoo shop. I'm a body piercer and I have been professionally for 17 years. And just to get rid of a few rumors about what I do for a living, yes, it is true that people take their clothes off in front of me and then pay me. It's usually not people that you want to take their clothes off in front of you, but it is part of my job. So there are genitalia and breasts and things like that involved. I'm also incredibly boring, as is most of the people that work with me. We're all married, we all have mortgage payments and children. And people are under this impression that it's like strippers and eight balls of coke all day long. And it's really not that at all. I'm also not a criminal and my car is completely legal and I've been married for a decade. And there's no need to pull your children away from you, which it's gotten better since I started. I remember walking down the street one day and there were two little kids who had obviously just come from some semi formal occasion church or something like that, and they were running ahead of their mother who was behind them by 10 or 12 paces. And they see me and they stop. And you know, this is almost 20 years ago. People that look like me were not just wandering the streets. And so I hey, kids, how you doing? You know, and as I pass, they wait for their mom to catch up to them. I say hi, you know, hello. She walks by and then I hear the little boy go, mommy, was that a bad man? And I didn't stick around to hear her response from for fear that I might become a bad man if she said something that offended me. But so in my world, there are everyday run of the mill bread and butter piercings. You know, your navel, your nose, your ears, your eyebrows, stuff that you see fairly commonly these days. And then there's private piercings. Now, we would consider, you know, female nipple piercings to be a private piercing. And of course, anything below the waist within the male genital piercing realm. And also, surprisingly enough, the female genital piercing realm. This is the only genital piercing that crosses the gender gap. There's a piercing called a giche. That's the piercing name. It's actually your perineum, which is your taint or your chode or your femunda or whatever colloquialism you want to put on it. But it's basically the space in between your anus and either your scrotum or your vagina, depending on what. Or maybe both. You know, I don't know what goes on sometimes, but when you start, at least when I started out as a body piercer, you serve an apprenticeship and you sort of reach a point in your career where you haven't necessarily done every piercing that you know exists. I mean, I've been doing it 20 years, and they keep coming up with new shit that I'm like, what you want me to do?

Josh Gondelman (23:15)

What, with wear?

Kevin Allison (23:16)

All right. But it's very mechanical. It's a very technical thing. So, you know, in much the same way that I would imagine if you're an automobile mechanic, but maybe you've never worked on a 98 Plymouth Voyager. You know how a motor works, and it's fairly easy to figure it out. Well, that's the same thing with my business. So the very first time a gentleman walked into my shop and requested to have his geeshe pierced, I went, sure, no problem. Fill this form out. It'll be $90. Whatever the price was. I don't remember back then. This is 15 years ago or so, and I walk back into my booth. You fill this form out. I'm going to go set up. Then it sort of hits me like, oh, shit, man. I never done this before. I've done some genital piercings, but this is. There's a problem with access. This is not an easy part. If you're doing a piercing on the penis itself, it's just. You're laying down, there's your penis. Kevin's familiar with this sort of stuff more than I am. It's just there. You get it, you do it, it's fine, right? But this is like, how do I get. Okay, so my solution to this problem is I'm gonna have this guy doggy style on the table, hands and knees, just with his goat going on, and I'm gonna be behind. I Didn't think this through very well, but, you know, I'm thinking I'll be behind him with the this and the yeah. So he comes back to the room, and my general practice for any piercing that involves anyone getting naked is to do about three quarters of my setup before I say, okay, you can take your shirt, bra, pants, panties, whatever, off. The idea being, you know, I don't want you to be uncomfortable and have to be needlessly naked for a long period of time. I don't want to be uncomfortable and have you be needlessly naked. And it's also nice if it does happen to be someone who you want to see naked. It's nice to be able to say, okay, go ahead and take your clothes off, and then be able to turn back and have something to do. So you're not just standing there going, no, go ahead, take it. It's cool. No, just take it off. It's fine. Pay attention to me.

Josh Gondelman (25:34)

Just.

Kevin Allison (25:34)

Yep. Okay, so I'm here. He's here. It's a very small, enclosed room, and I'm doing my setup, not paying attention to this gentleman. And when I turn to tell him, okay, pants and underwear off. He's already completely stark naked. He has removed all but his shoes, pants, underwear, hat, undershirt, shirt gone. He's standing there, and I noticed that he already has a genital piercing. So there's another piercing. It's called a Prince Albert. It's probably the most well known of the male genital piercings. And it's usually a circular. Either a circular barbell or a ring. A round piece of jewelry that enters the base of the circumcision scar just behind the head of the penis and comes out the urethra. So this is a very common piercing in my world. This guy has one, and not only does he have one, but he stretched it. You may stretch this. You've seen people with the big ears, right? So you can do that to any piercing, pretty much. So he's standing there completely naked. PA that's, in my estimation, zero or double zero gauge, which in the gauging system, zero is 8 millimeters thick. Double zero is 10 millimeters thick. So we're talking McDonald's straw or larger piece of stainless steel jewelry. Now, I've seen a few penises at this point in my life, but not a whole lot. And this is kind of new territory for me. And I'm getting that sort of bad car accident feeling where, like, you don't want to look, but there's a, you know, Men are like crows, right? There's like a shiny thing and they're like, shiny.

Robert Bland (27:18)

Oh, shit.

Kevin Allison (27:18)

Go shiny.

Josh Gondelman (27:19)

Ow.

Kevin Allison (27:20)

So I'm trying to keep it together, you know, And I'm like, all right.

Robert Bland (27:25)

Okay.

Kevin Allison (27:26)

And the other bad thing about having a Prince Albert of that size is it stretches you a little bit. It's very heavy, so it stretches your penis a little bit. So it's hard to tell. Is this guy just a little better hung than me or is he a little bit excited? It's hard to tell. So I'm like, okay, here's how this is going to work. I'm going to put this thing on the table here. You're gonna get on the table on your hands and knees, and I'm gonna stand behind you and look at all your stuff. So up onto the table he goes. And I start my procedure. You know, gloves, wiping down the area, marking the area. There's a small Pennington forcep that's gonna go on the area. Then a needle and a piece of jewelry. So I think that I knew this at the time, but it didn't really register to me that this part of your body has a very high concentration of nerves. There's a big nerve bundle there, which is why people get it pierced. It's also why now that I'm a little more mature and have had a little more sexual experience, it's a nice place to sort of rub. So I'm not thinking about this as I'm prepping this guy, not noticing that his tumescence is starting to throb. And I mark it. He hasn't made any noise at this point. The only. There's been nothing overtly inappropriate about his exchange with me other than this weird I'm prematurely naked thing. So I mark the area, the clamp goes on, you know, needle, and it's a 12 gauge needle. Not small, but not huge. Two millimeters for anybody that's counting. And I run the needle through the piercing. You know, basically it looks like this. Okay, buddy, ready? One, two, push. He expelled some. He came all over the table. All over the table. And not like, I mean like a movie, like a film all day to get this shot, literally shot. So I'm here, right? There's two. There's thighs here, there's two round buttocks here, there's a big ball sack here. And then there's cum all over the thing. So I'm a consummate professional. So I'm like, horrible. All right, well, okay, you know. And at this point, he's still not moaning and groaning, but he's pretty damn close. And I'm like, jesus, like, does this happen all the time? Like, I am I going to have. Is this going to be. My career is like dudes turning on the table. So I, you know, I very hurriedly sort of finished the piercing. Clamp comes off, jewelry goes in, needle goes in, sharps container, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I, I'm waiting for him to be embarrassed. I'm waiting for him to be like, oh, you know, sorry, because it happens sometimes doing genital piercings that. I mean, people are messing with your genitalia. It's not. There's no stretch of the imagination to think someone might be aroused. And most of the time when there's a man and it doesn't matter their orientation, you know, I'm a stranger to them. I'm their doctor, for lack of a better word. And if they get a little hard, they tend to be very embarrassed by that or, and at least say, oh, you know, if not say anything, you can visually see that they're uncomfortable and that sort of makes you feel better about the situation. Like, okay, this guy understands that this is a weird situation. This guy had no fucking clue that this was a weird situation. I'm handing him a roll of paper towels. He's asking me, what are the paper towels for? And I'm trying to think of a nice way to say, cause I'm not a fucking jizzmopper, you asshole.

Robert Bland (31:35)

Clean this shit.

Kevin Allison (31:39)

So he finally gets the hen and he's cleaning up this fucking issuance that he's left behind, still completely naked. So I'm gathering, I'm good, I'm together. I've cleaned up my area, thrown away sharps and biohazard here. And this goes in this trash can, all right, clean, wipe down my little setup tray, push everything back to where it needs to be. And then I'm like, okay, let's just continue as if this didn't happen. So I get the big mirror and I hand him the big mirror and there's a mirror on the wall and I go, alright, go ahead and check it out. Now. Normal customer goes, yeah, it looks good, man, thanks. This guy spends 10 whole minutes like this. His foot goes up on the chair I've got there and he's got like the porno ball swing going on. And I'm like, what in the. So after 10 minutes, I lose my composure a little bit and I'm like, okay, look, dude, your balls are still pierced. That's not Gonna change. I have other customers that I have to deal with. And quite frankly, I'm done looking at your balls. So here's your aftercare sheet. You know how to take care of it. We went through that before you came in. Have a good day. So he walks out and I'm like this guy, you know, trying to get my shit together. And as I'm calming down and the owner of the shop I worked in was ringing him up. I think she had intuited at this point that I wasn't going to deal with this dude anymore. She rings the guy up, comes back. Is everything okay? I go, yeah, it's cool. I'll tell you about it later. I didn't. I just need a minute. Did he pay? She's like, yeah, he paid, but no tip, you son of a bitch. So I gave this dude a happy ending and maybe a happy beginning too. Who knows? For very little actual pay and zero tip.

Paula Pezderka (33:46)

Thank you very much.

Robert Bland (33:50)

Foreign.

Josh Gondelman (33:55)

Folks. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You know, when you think of your favorite leaders or mentors, they don't have all the answers, but they know when to seek support, ask questions from their community. This is a society that kind of glorifies hyper independence, right? The individuality is such an obsession. So it's easy to forget that we're all better when we have a support system behind us. Therapy is a huge source of support for so many people in many areas of their lives. It's a place where you can always ask for help. I was talking to someone just earlier today about how running my stories that I present on risk by my therapist has sometimes been a really profound experience. It's help me to understand my experiences even better and know what to make of how I'm learning and growing. Well, BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient. Serving over 5 million people worldwide, you can access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. Easily switch therapy therapist anytime at no extra cost. Build your own support system with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com risk today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelphelp.com risk.

Robert Bland (35:29)

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Jane Borden (35:52)

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Jane Borden (36:40)

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Robert Bland (36:55)

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Jane Borden (36:57)

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Robert Bland (37:24)

Reach out.

Paula Pezderka (37:25)

Touch Faith.

Jane Borden (37:40)

Sometimes I feel I've got to run away I've got to get.

Kevin Allison (37:49)

Away from the pain you drive into the heart of me the love we share Death seems to go nowhere and.

Jane Borden (38:02)

I've lost my life for I toss and turn I can't sleep at night.

Paula Pezderka (38:10)

Once I ran to you Now I'll run from you this tainted love you've.

Jane Borden (38:19)

Given I give you all a boy.

Kevin Allison (38:22)

Could give you Take my tears and that's not really oh Saint in love.

Jane Borden (38:31)

Change of love.

Josh Gondelman (38:36)

Reach out Touch faith this is Risk. That was Robert Bland in North Carolina and this is DJ Lobster Dust with a mashup behind me now. Hey, don't forget we at Risk also have a School. At thestorystudio.org we do one on one coaching in person or over Skype corporate workshops, weekend workshops, six week workshops and what we're most excited about right now is our brand new 14 part video lecture course Storytelling for Business. You can watch the video lectures online at your own leisure. There's also a 30 page work workbook full of exercises for workshopping your own stories. You will just come away with an arsenal of tips and tools for creating your own stories for the rest of your Life. Go to thestorystudio.org and click on the little button that says send me the videos. Then you can get a 20% discount and learn more. Let's get back to North Carolina in a little bit. We're going to hear from a comedian that everyone's talking about now, Mr. Josh Gondelman. But before that, the fabulous artistic director of the DSI Comedy Theater down there, Ms. Paula Pezderka with a story we call the Night Visitor. The Night Visitor is what I meant to say.

Robert Bland (40:25)

So my story is kind of the opposite of Robert's in many ways. And so for a dramatic beginning, a man leaned over and whispered in my ear. I will knock three times at your door at midnight. You will open the door, you will look at my dick for 10 seconds. You will close the door and we will never speak of it again. Let me back up for a second and tell you how we got to this point. I went to high school and college at a time when there was no Google and there was no ask dot com. I was also raised Catholic. So my sex education consisted of materials that were developed in the 1960s that had weird language like heavy petting. Also, the illustrations in these books were like pencil or pen outlines of anatomy. I had a vagina and I could not recognize that that is what it was. I thought it looked like an onion slice or a sad waffle. The penis, which I hadn't had much experience seeing, I thought looked like a sad wilting flower that never bloomed or a cat toy that didn't have the feather on the end. I went to an all girl Catholic high school. And so I tried to supplement this information about sex and penises from my friends because I had a burning question. It was something that I did not understand. And that is why. Why would you cut a dick? Why do you circumcise penises? I don't understand. Why would you do that? If you cut the folds of an accordion, it no longer plays beautiful music. But if you cut the folds of an dick, it's okay. It still works. I don't understand. I now know why the flower is sad. My friends tried to help me, but I am a. I'm a visual learner. I like to look at things, get my hands on it. One of my friends told me that a penis is like a baby's arm in a winter jumpsuit. A circumcised penis is when the mitten is not on the hand. It still works. An uncircumcised penis, the baby is wearing the mitten.

Jane Borden (43:36)

It still works.

Robert Bland (43:38)

I did not like that analogy. I did not like the fact that, like, my babysitting world and my almost not but not real sex life world were sort of combining and thinking that a baby was a penis. It did not sit well with me. It did not. It did not. So high school ended. Oh, I would also like to add that during my high school years, I did have a boyfriend and I had seen glances of penises, but there was always kind of like a wayward glance, like never on in the light where you could see it. Well, I had done a lot of dark groping underneath umbro shorts, Sometimes Z Cavaricci pants. You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, so I went to college. I was so excited. I was going to Marquette University, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Yeah, There were gonna be boys there, there was gonna be beer there, and there was gonna be a lot of learning there. A lot of learning. My freshman year, there was not a lot of learning. Like, I don't know if it was because I was loud or what or for whatever reason. I hadn't even had really any like wayward glances or groping. And this was all about change or I thought it would. It was the end of my freshman year and it was finals week and I did not have a final the next day. So what was I doing drinking? Drinking in a dorm room because I didn't have to study for that next test right then. It was two days away. Plenty of time. Plenty of time to get my beer mind working. I was drinking in my friend Andrea's room. And I love to drink with Andrea. She was so much fun because when she got really drunk, she acted like Punky Brewster. It was awesome. And we were also drinking with Andrea's roommate's boyfriend. His name was Iwan. Andrea's roommate, her name was Leanne. I didn't really like her. She was one of those girly girls that spent a lot of time on her hair. And she was also like majoring in somebody that wasn't very interesting, like communications. So I never really paid too much attention to her. And likely so I did not pay any attention to Elon. He seemed super duper boring. He was like six foot tall, blonde, wore khaki pants and button down shirts. He could have Been an Abercrombie and Fitch model. But boring. So boring. Now, let me tell you that my freshman year, I pursued a man vigorously who had shaved his initials into his hairy chest and also on his head. So that's the kind of guy I liked. A little bit quirky, maybe not beautiful, but interesting, funny, good to talk to. So Andrea and Iona and I were drinking, and we had covered all the usual babies. He talked about how Leanne might be the one. And Andrea was kind of lamenting that she had spent this whole year being faithful to her high school boyfriend, who did not go to this to Marquette with her. And she was starting to get a little upset because she started to convince herself that he had been cheating on her this whole time. And so she kind of got more emotional as we downed those Zimas. And it was the 90s. Anyway, so the night went on, and she became more and more enraged. And finally she said, I don't understand. Dicks are ugly. And I don't know why. I don't know why they would make something as beautiful as a baby. And this is where Elon got mad. He said, dicks are not ugly. They are beautiful. I have a very beautiful penis. I tried to calm them down. I said, a dick is only ugly if it's having sex with somebody else that it's not supposed to. I'm sure your dick is beautiful. I've never seen it, but judging by the way that you look, I'm sure it is a very beautiful penis. Let's get back to those zigmas. Unfortunately, that did not defuse the situation. Ewan was still angry, and Andrea was starting to cry. So I did the only thing that I could to diffuse it. I said something that was totally crazy, and it was. I wish I could see an uncircumcised penis. And then Iwan looked at me, and he said, I'm from Poland. My dick is not circumcised. All of a sudden, Iwan was interesting. It was like he had a hairy chest and had just shaved his initials in it. Because all of a sudden, I. I was like, he won. Yeah. And he said, I would like to show it to you. I would like you to show it to me, too. And that's when Andrea became the voice of reason. I don't think Leanne's gonna like that. I don't think Leanne's gonna like it. If she walks in right now and sees you showing your penis to two girls, it's kind of like her penis for now.

Jane Borden (49:50)

Oh, no, no.

Robert Bland (49:51)

No, not according to you. No, it's my penis. He said, she likes it. She thinks it's nice, but it's my penis. Anyway, Andrea thought it would be a good idea if we all went home. So as she gathered up all the Zima bottles and went down the hall to throw them away, Ewan leaned over to me and he whispered, midnight is in 10 minutes. I'm gonna come to your door at midnight. I'm going to knock three times. You will open the door, you will look at my penis for 10 seconds, you will close the door, and we will never speak of it again. I was ecstatic. I ran down the hall, I put on my pajamas for the show. My roommate, who had been studying all night, was like, what's the word? And I was like, ewan's coming down to show me his dick.

Kevin Allison (50:57)

She's like, what?

Robert Bland (50:59)

What crazy world are you living in? You don't even like him. He's boring. I'm like, it's uncircumcised.

Paula Pezderka (51:06)

Yeah.

Robert Bland (51:09)

She goes, how does Leanne feel about this? I'm like, what? Don't rain on my parade. I'm like, I don't know. She goes, how would you feel if your boyfriend showed someone else their dick? I don't know. I'm not saying. I'm just saying I don't want you to feel guilty about this experience. She was right. I mean, I was Catholic. I mean, guilt is like my middle name. So I thought about it, and I thought, oh, man, I just have this thirst for knowledge. I'm at a university. This is what we're supposed to do here. Supposed to get my learn on. But then I thought, if my learning means hurting somebody else, even though she's boring and she's not my friend, is that okay? And before I had time to think about it much more, there was a knock at the door. And Kathy turned to me and she said, he's early. I was like, that's weird. I thought, I don't care about Liam, but I don't want to hurt someone. My pursuit of knowledge. So I turned off the light, and I got into my bed with my Laura Ashley sheets and comforter, hugged my pillow, and I thought, all right, sometimes you're not supposed to open those doors, okay? And I went to sleep, and I had a horrible night's sleep. The next day, after lunch, I was walking in the hall, and I saw Leanne and Ewan, and it was evident that they were not getting along. And then she marched right up to me, got in my face, and said, thank you. Thank you for not opening the door. That was me. I knocked on your door last night to see if you would betray me, and you didn't. You are a good person. Thank you. And she marched away. I didn't have the heart or time to tell her that I was like an equal participant and I really wanted to open the door. Ewan kind of sulked over to me, and then he leaned down and said, I will come to your door tonight at midnight. I will knock three times, you will open the door, you will look at my dick for 10 seconds, you will close the door, and we will never speak of it again. I had kind of created this, like, dick monster. I mean, I did want to see his penis, but I didn't want to see his penis if I was going to hurt somebody, you know. And so it was still. I had the same problem here. She just thanked me very aggressively for not looking at his penis. And so I still have the same problem. And I thought, what can I do? I can't open that door. I want it so bad. I just want to learn and understand this uncut dick thing, please. And so he did come that night at midnight, knocked three times, and I did not open the door. And I thought some doors are meant not to be opened. I know, I'm sad too. My friends were also sad, but they were respected my decision. So they, like, tried to help me after that. I would get like, magazine ripped out pages of penises under my door. One of my friends raided a porn shop with VHS tapes and painstakingly cut out the uncircumcised penises and taped them to a piece of paper. And eventually I graduated from Marquette. Only seeing these, you know, poor images. And, you know, I understand that Elon and Leanne broke up our senior year. And I, you know, I eventually got married. I married someone who was one of my early dark groping victims from high school. And I was thinking, I wonder if he ever thinks about the time he tried to show a girl in his girlfriend's dorm is dick. I wonder if he ever thinks about that. And I wonder if he wonders why I didn't open that door, because I do. I really wish I would have opened that door. So my advice to you is never live with regrets. Thank you, guys.

Josh Gondelman (56:15)

Nobody likes the music stand. Our next storyteller, he comes to us, came from New York, just beat the blizzard. We were afraid he might not be able to make it. He is one of the co authors of the Einfeldtoday Twitter, a hilarious man you can find him@joshgondelman.com Please welcome Mr. Josh Gondelman.

Paula Pezderka (56:48)

Thank you. It's true. I was. My play was supposed to be last night and then it was postponed till tonight. And so I had an extra 24 hours. But what I did this afternoon was I went with my girlfriend to see Argo and I already didn't know whether I was going to make the show on time. So my cabs to and from the airport felt like I was a hostage sneaking out of Iran. It was a very intense afternoon, so I'm a little keyed up. I'm one of the weird male people that just can't handle casual sex. And part of it is women's perception of me. Like I don't seem like a good one night stand guy. Women don't see this and want one night of sweaty awesome or whatever it is girls want from sex. Women see this and they want long term financial advice. Plus, I started having sex late in life. I didn't lose my virginity till I was 22. My choice doesn't matter. So all like the fumbling, awkward, brief sex that my friends were having in their late teens. I got out of the way in my mid-20s. Plus, I like, even as an adult, a fully formed sexual being, I like monogamy and whispering. That's like the kind of stuff that I enjoy during sex. And even when I've experimented with other stuff, it has not gone well. One time, an ex girlfriend, while we were being intimate smacked me in the face and it was like I had been sprayed with boner. Be gone. I had no idea what to do. Right. I don't know how to respond to that. I'm a former preschool teacher, so my first instinct was just to go, no, you use your words, gentle hands. I talked to her about it later and she had wanted me to hit her back, which, when you're a boy, you're taught never to hit a girl. Not even if she's really asking for it. But they never cover what to do if she's literally asking for it. I'm a very timid guy sexually. Like, I guess my most crazy fantasy is I would like to someday have sex in like a museum. But not a crowded museum. It's not about exhibitionism and not like a spooky museum. It's not a goth thing. I think I just like to get laid around art. So anyway, I mean, I know that's kind of a weird thing. Especially given that the host of this show, his sex life to me seems like a Deleted scene from Zero Dark Thirty. So a few years ago, this is my like one true one night stand experience. And it went weird. I was out in the Midwest doing some stand up comedy and it was after the show and I was at a different bar where there were bands playing and some of the other comedian friends and I were having some drinks. And I'm not accustomed to drinking. I'm just not good at it. It's another thing I started late. So I get very tipsy very quickly. So I have one shot and one beer and I'm ready to call it a night. So I go up to the bartender, he says, what'll you have? And I say, glass of water, please. And this girl next to me says, glass of water, you're no fun at all. And guys, it was like she'd known me my whole life. We start talking and she's smart, she's funny, she's got a tattoo of a song lyric by my favorite band. She's cute, but not hot, which that's like my type. And it's not a low self esteem thing. I just don't like girls whose entire personality is like, I'm hot. What are you bringing to the table? She has glasses. That's super my thang, right? Glasses. That's what I'm all about. Which is convenient because it's the only physical disability that you're specifically allowed to be attracted to. Like, you can love any person with any sort of body or brain, right? But not because they're disabled. Like, how weird would it be if I was like, hey, check out that girl with scoliosis. I'd like to bend her over, but too late. So there's a band playing and we're really enjoying it. The band's amazing. And this girl and I were talking, we have a great rapport, partly because she's with another girl who I think is her girlfriend. And I'm like, oh, good, there's no way I'll have to have sex with either of these people. I can be very at ease. So we're talking, we're having such a good time. We leave, we go to another bar where there's karaoke. We go to a house party at the home of the sound guy from the original bar who offers me cocaine for the first time. To which I respond, if there's any doubt of the kind of guy I am, oh, no, thank you. But I appreciate your trying to make me feel at home. We're having a great time. At the end of the night, my ride back to the hotel where I'm supposed to be staying is like, hey, Josh, I'm leaving. Do you need a ride? And this girl that I'm talking to goes, no, I'll take care of it. And I was like, cool, if you don't feel like driving all the way back to your apartment. My hotel has two beds. I'm trying to blow it. She's like, we're not going to your hotel. A little while later, we end up back at her apartment. I brush my teeth because hygiene's important, and I go to her bedroom where she's already wearing nighttime clothes. And I say, may I take off my jeans? And she said, you're very sweet. So we start hooking up. Things are progressing. We're making out. It's a lot of fun. And she says, josh, we should have sex with each other. Which is convenient because there was no one else around to have sex with. I say, sure, but we should get some protection in between the two of us, for safety's sake. And she says, you're totally right. She's like, my roommate has condoms, but she's out of town. I'll go get one from her. We're. So she goes to get a condom, and I'm like, oh, boy, it's really happening. So she comes back and we have sex, and then it's over. About like that. And I'm like, well, at least that part of the night's done. We can get to the snuggling, which is more of my strong suit anyway. But then she says, we should have sex again. And I said, we should get another condom. And she says, no, it'll be okay. And in that moment, right, we had just had. We were having so much fun, and there was trust, and we'd established this kind of intimacy. And I thought, you know what? Maybe it will be okay. Maybe this is growing up. Which is a big problem when your epiphany is a Blink 182 lyric. So we just start doing sex, which is not normally how it goes for me. Like, normally, I'm so careful about protection, right? I use two or three condoms. I pop a birth control pill, like, whatever it takes, tarp. But this time, we just decided to spin the wheel and play Catholic roulette. I was like, no, baby, no baby, no baby, no baby. Daddy needs a future. So we get to the end part, and when we finish. When I finish, it's a problem, right? Because she was on top of me, and I felt, this is my first time for something like this. How do you broach. Do you just throw her off and go, it's gonna blow? So I didn't. And when it happened, we were both horrified. We made eye contact and we both thought, oh, no. She went to the. She just got up without saying another word and ran into the bathroom. And I felt so bad. Like, we just had this sweet, innocent thing. And we all of a sudden accelerated it into grown up behavior with consequences. And it was very upsetting. And I was there. I was just lying still, thinking, oh, my God, I have aids. I have so much AIDS right now. This is the most AIDS I've ever had. This is an unprecedented amount of AIDS for me. So she comes back in the room and it's different. Something's different. The dynamic is not the same. And she says, josh, that's fine. What happened is fine, but we should go get a morning after pill tomorrow. And I was like, yeah. And then I thought, yeah, like, she could be pregnant. I'm gonna have to give up comedy and move to the Midwest and teach middle school. And it was stressful. I was like, this isn't what I do. This isn't my life. How did I let this get here? After one beer and one shot. So we get up the next morning, we have breakfast, and it's nice, but it's different. There's just a tension in the air. And we drive to near where my hotel is, which is across the street from the Mall of America. And we walk into the Mall of America because a lot of malls have pharmacies inside them, but the Mall of America isn't one of those malls. So we're just walking by store after store, like maternity clothes and Baby Gap, and it's terrible. We. We just have this. We try to forestall it. We go get Orange Julius, and it's not very good. It's just very. It's very stressful and upsetting. And I'm just thinking, like, how did my life come to this? Where did I go wrong? I mean, I knew. So we leave to find a real pharmacy. And as we're walking in, it's all kind of like, sinking in. Like, this is the one chance I got to meet this person, right? And instead of being my usual self, which is like a nice, funny, fun person, I thought, I'm leaving her with this horrible, irresponsible legacy of awkwardness. And it's just like, that's my problem with one night stands, I think, is that you only get one chance. You get a first impression and a last impression, and you make them both at once with your penis. So we're about to walk inside the Walgreens, and she can tell I'm just like a knot of tension. I'm curled up and I'm walking, and I'm just, like, not saying anything, and I'm probably pale. And she said paler. And she said the most comforting words I could imagine. She goes, josh, when I ask for the plan B pill, I want you to put your hand on my belly and say, do we have to? She made her lip quiver, and I never laughed harder in my life. I was like, this girl is amazing. She might be my soulmate. Maybe we should just have this baby. So we walk into the. We walk into the pharmacy, and she's like, one plan B pill, please. And the pharmacist rings it up.

Kevin Allison (70:30)

Boop.

Paula Pezderka (70:30)

And I know it's my turn to do the thing that she asked, but I don't want to, you know? Like, I don't. I think it's a little over the top. But also, I wanted to make her laugh like she had done for me. I wanted to cut the tension for her. So what I did was when the pharmacist rang up the plan B pillars. Boop. Probably the tensest moment of my life to date, I pulled out my credit card and went, don't worry, little lady. This one's my treat. Thank you. I laughed. She laughed. You laughed. Pharmacist did not laugh. She gave me a very dirty look, to which I responded by reaching deep down into my gut. Don't worry. I'm gonna write this one off as a business expense. Anyway, we became Facebook friends, not the pharmacist. And when her mom, my mom, who lived near where I used to live in Boston, was dying, she and her sister came and we went out for drinks. And it was all very normal and we didn't mention it. And last two weeks ago, she got engaged, as I saw on Facebook. And I said, congratulations, and she clicked like. And that's how my first one night stand ended. Thank you guys very much.

Kevin Allison (72:26)

Try hard to solidify so I run.

Paula Pezderka (72:31)

High My.

Robert Bland (72:35)

Se surrounds me and the.

Paula Pezderka (72:38)

Power.

Kevin Allison (73:26)

The sun comes down into the sea.

Josh Gondelman (73:32)

Well, that is all for this week, folks. This is disaster in the universe behind me. Now remember, if you like Risk, tell your friends, spread the word on Twitter and Facebook. You can find us riskshow you can find me on Twitter. The Kevin Allison. You can send us your own stories or find out where Risk is happening next or see the table of contents of all the episodes or find our sponsors like AdamAndEve.com or ProFlowers.com and click on the special offers we have with them at risk-show.com now we're looking for a sponsor for our April 20th show in Philadelphia. We're expecting about 400 people in the audience there, so it's a great opportunity. It's us and First Person Arts are doing this show at the free library and we are always on the lookout for a potential investor, an angel to come help us out with our school@thestorystudio.org so keep all that in mind and we will see you next week. Just remember folks, today's the day. Take a risk.

Robert Bland (75:18)

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