Live From NYC Podfest 2014

Summary

RISK! – Live from NYC Podfest 2014 (May 14, 2026)

Episode Overview

This special episode of RISK! is a throwback to the 2014 NYC Podfest, hosted by Kevin Allison. The night’s theme is “confession”—a concept that feels especially on-brand for RISK!, where the boundaries of honesty and vulnerability are always being pushed. Four featured storytellers—Kevin Allison, Alex Edelman, Hamda, Keith Malley, and Selena Coppock—share jaw-dropping, deeply personal, and often hilarious true stories of risk, revelation, and the messiness of human experience.

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Key Segments & Insights

[03:00] Kevin Allison’s Central Park Confession

Story Summary
Kevin retells a signature story from the show’s early days—his misadventures as an eager, closeted teenage gay man, newly arrived in New York. He heads to a rumored gay bar uptown, gets way too drunk, attempts cruising in Central Park, and suffers a series of humiliations: getting lost, getting his shoes stolen, vomiting on the subway, and slipping in his own mess. This time, though, Kevin adds a new, bolder layer—a genuine confession.

Key Moments & Quotes

• [05:28] “A lot of people don’t believe it, but I kind of knew I was gay from, like, day one… I was three and a half, maybe four…just thinking to myself, ‘Wow, I really like boys’ butts.’”
• [07:45] “Cincinnati is a town that hates sex. It’s not like homosexuality doesn’t exist—it’s like sexuality doesn’t exist.”
• [14:15] “So I parked myself in the bushes, ready to shimmy... I see this male figure coming down the walkway in the fog... I jostle the leaves and he stops, takes a good look, and he clearly thought, the fuck is this bozo doing in the bushes?”
• [17:44] (Confession) “Here is the confession. That’s the story I’ve been telling all these years...But even though we call it true tales boldly told, there is a bold lie right in the middle of that story. Because the truth is, I blew that businessman. He did not walk up, look at me scurrying in the leaves there and think ‘oh my gosh, I’ve got to get out of here.’”
• [18:45] “I wasn’t sure if the audience could handle it. I was still feeling it was too risky myself… But, you know, here we are, in our fifth year now… So, that is the kind of magical confession we can expect tonight.”

Theme & Tone Honest, self-deprecating, and comic with a final raw reveal—a hallmark of RISK!’s approach.

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[20:28] Alex Edelman: The Power Strip Confessions

Story Summary
Alex tells a story about orchestrating a pocket of intimacy and revelation while stranded at Dallas Fort Worth Airport. He and a companion use a power strip as an icebreaker: anyone who wants to use an outlet must share a secret. Most people grumble benignly (“I like chocolate”), but things turn deeply personal when a soldier confesses cheating on his wife—with another man.

Key Moments & Quotes

• [21:08] “If you want to find young people at an airport, go to the electrical outlets—because that’s where we’re charging our phones... and where we’ll spend our layover complaining with 50 other strangers...”
• [22:54] “Everyone who came up, we asked them for a secret... But we would egg if it wasn’t fun.”
• [25:45] “One of the soldiers comes and he plugs in... The other soldier says, ‘No, tell them about cheating on your wife.’... He goes, ‘Yeah, it was someone in my unit.’ And I was like, ‘There were women in your unit?’ And he went, ‘No.’”
• [27:02] “We talked for about an hour... It was a really impressive kind of moment, because, you know, the point of airports is supposed to be transient and trivial, but it was a very permanent thing for this guy.”

Insight Revelations can erupt in the most mundane places; intimacy sometimes comes with surprising confessions, especially among strangers who know they’ll never see each other again.

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[30:34] Hamda: “Shameless” (First Time High)

Story Summary
Hamda, of “Keith and the Girl,” shares about being raised in a strict Middle Eastern family, terrified by anti-drug campaigns and guilted into rule-following. Her first experiences with marijuana as an adult are both mortifying and liberating, leading to one roommate calling her “shameless” and her eventual rediscovery of weed in adulthood—with very different results.

Key Moments & Quotes

• [31:00] “Instead of explaining some things to you so that you don’t do the wrong thing, they just scare the ever living shit out of you and then kind of guilt you into not doing it.”
• [33:23] (On first high) Kevin: “Go, go, go, go, go!” Hamda: “I was like, see? It doesn’t—woo... I feel it coming from, I don’t know, my vagina somewhere... fuck, I’m getting high and I’m freaking out.”
• [34:53] “I decided Evan was on TV... but in order for me to really see the program I have to be right here on him... and he just—he was just like, get out of my face.”
• [35:33] “I was the Hulk... Have you ever tried to do that? Ripped my shirt all the way open... but I’ve never seen a heterosexual male be so not interested in boobies. But that’s not what I was going for, anyway.”
• [37:53] “My roommate called me shameless... I said, maybe weed isn’t for me. Cut to five years ago, I start dating a pothead... Lauren says, ‘We should smoke’ and I said, ‘You don’t want any of it, believe me.’ Lauren goes, ‘I think we’ll be okay.’... We are engaged... I smoke pot every night now, but it’s just to go to sleep.”

Insight First times can be embarrassing and freeing; acceptance sometimes comes from unexpected, nonjudgmental places.

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[40:17] Keith Malley: Breaking His Penis

Story Summary
Keith’s signature brand of neurotic, observational, and self-effacing comedy animates his tale about a stubborn, mysterious rash on his penis. He describes the gauntlet of clinics, awkward waiting rooms, unhelpful doctors, mounting bills, and the absurdity of the American healthcare system—all told with escalating outrage and wit.

Key Moments & Quotes

• [41:21] “There’s—oh, so much that is related to the penis. And a man or woman can easily understand, by the way.”
• [43:12] “I go into the free clinic... The guy goes, okay, second shelf, get the paperwork. Third shelf, bring me the remote control to the TV... Are you a secretary, a nurse? ‘No, I just come here a lot. I know my way around.’”
• [48:56] (On next-steps) “If it doesn’t work, you come back a month later, and we’re gonna cut off a piece of your dick.”
  Kevin: “So.” Keith: “And he goes, relax, relax. We’re gonna cut off a piece of your dick, and send it to the scientist... Wait, you’re missing a fucking word in there. Dick skin? You’re gonna cut off a piece of dick skin?”
• [51:38] “Goodbye. I’m not saying if your job is to handle dick skin, you shouldn’t get paid. You should. That’s a horrible job. I’m just saying a doctor is the only profession that when you fuck up, you still expect to get paid.”
• [53:14] “I went to one doctor and he said, let’s figure out where this rash came from. Do you have any children? And I said, why would it matter? He said, because maybe you got it playing with your children. I’m like, when I would play with my children, with my dick...?”

Insight Even intimate medical concerns can be hilarious and strange, and American healthcare is an endless ripe topic for absurdist comedy.

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[54:27] Selena Coppock: When Nice Isn’t Enough

Story Summary
Selena shares a biting confession: her deep mistrust of men, seeded by seventh-grade humiliation, leads her to pursue “bad boys” and treat genuinely nice men with suspicion and, occasionally, cruelty. She recounts her attempts to date “Bob”—a sweet, Guns N’ Roses-loving guy, who just never quite sparked her passion. Torn by guilt, she strings him along, culminates in a messy wedding-triangle, and realizes she’s become the “bad guy” after all.

Key Moments & Quotes

• [54:27] “I used to subscribe to the Groucho Marx saying: I would never want to be part of a club that would have me as a member when it came to relationships.”
• [56:03] “I always preferred bad guys, because at least a wolf is in wolf’s clothing, you know? I got no time for a wolf in sheep’s clothing.”
• [58:13] “He was husky in a way of, like, always hated gym class, you know... but he was very funny. And he was really pale-skinned... But he seemed so nice, so I was like, you know what, Selena? Go after a nice guy who is straight up for real nice.”
• [59:35] “I did the three beer test time after time after time. And he kept flunking it. And I was like, oh, I want to want you, you know? But it just wasn’t working.”
• [61:05] (Wedding weekend) “End up hitting it off with this one guy, Chris, who is fucking bad news... we end up going back to his hotel room in Hoboken and making out. G-rated hookup, but nonetheless... I go back to Brooklyn, I shower, I put on my dress. Bob shows up... so excited. He’s so lovely... I just think to myself, God, Selena, who’s the bad guy? It’s you. It’s me, you know?”
• [65:13] “Don’t fucking date someone to be nice… because you’re not. You’re the asshole by doing that, you know?”

Insight Romantic relationships are messy, and sometimes in the pursuit of being “good,” we become the villain in someone else’s story; self-awareness often arrives through bitter experience.

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Most Memorable Quotes & Closing Thoughts

• Kevin Allison [17:44]: “There is a bold lie right in the middle of that story… Because the truth is, I blew that businessman.”
• Hamda [34:03]: “You know in a video game, where you sort of power up? I feel the high coming from, I don’t know, my vagina somewhere…”
• Keith Malley [48:58]: “We’re gonna cut off a piece of your dick, and we’re gonna send it to the scientists, and they’re gonna tell us what’s wrong.”
• Selena Coppock [65:13]: “Don’t date someone to try to convince yourself that you’re the good guy… Cause you’re not. You’re the asshole by doing that.”

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• [03:00] Kevin Allison: Central Park confession, truth updated
• [20:28] Alex Edelman: Power-strip confessions at DFW airport
• [30:34] Hamda: First time high and learning to embrace it
• [40:17] Keith Malley: The saga of a broken penis
• [54:27] Selena Coppock: Ruining “the nice guy”

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Tone & Style

The episode cycles rapidly from uproarious to raw, always direct, sometimes with crude language and explicit detail, in the classic RISK! vein. The stories blend personal embarrassment, sex, and self-realization, inviting both laughter and empathy from the listener.

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For New Listeners

If you’re new to RISK! or missed the original 2014 episode, expect unsparing honesty and gut-punch humor. The show’s magic is its embracing of taboo, its insistence that in speaking our most awkward truths, we connect. This episode’s confessions embody all that’s wild, awkward, and wonderful about RISK!—and might inspire some cathartic confession of your own.

Transcript

[Kevin Allison]

I sold my car in Carvana last night.

[Hamda]

Well, that's cool.

[Kevin Allison]

No, you don't understand. It went perfectly. Real offer down to the penny.

[Keith Malley]

They're picking it up tomorrow. Nothing went wrong.

[Selena Coppock]

So what's the problem?

[Kevin Allison]

That is the problem.

[Keith Malley]

Nothing in my life goes as smoothly. I'm waiting for the catch.

[Selena Coppock]

Maybe there's no catch.

[Keith Malley]

That's exactly what a catch would want me to think.

[Selena Coppock]

Wow. You need to relax.

[Keith Malley]

I need to knock on wood. Do we have wood?

[Kevin Allison]

Is this table wood?

[Selena Coppock]

I think it's laminate.

[Kevin Allison]

Okay.

[Hamda]

Yeah, that's good.

[Keith Malley]

That's close enough.

[Selena Coppock]

Car selling without a catch. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees may apply Focus Features

[Kevin Allison]

in Blumhouse PR and Obsession.

[Hamda]

When I have a crush on a guy no one knows.

[Kevin Allison]

Be careful. I wish Nikki love me more than anyone in the entire world. Who you wish for? Obsession is 96% fresh on rotten Tomatoes.

[Selena Coppock]

I love you so so, so, so much.

[Kevin Allison]

It's blood soaked Nightmare Fuel Brook on this blood you put on her. You have been warned. Obsession. Rated R under 17. Anime without parrot. Only in theaters May 15 with special engagements in Dolby. Where is Pterod Nightmare. Don't miss the return of Marvel Television's Daredevil Born Again.

[Selena Coppock]

So what's next?

[Keith Malley]

I feel liberated. We're gonna take this city back over

[Kevin Allison]

medicated in an all new season now streaming only on Disney plus.

[Selena Coppock]

They're hunting us. It's time we started hunting them.

[Keith Malley]

I can work with them.

[Hamda]

This should be tons of fun.

[Kevin Allison]

Marvel Television's Daredevil Born Again now streaming only on Disney plus. Fear is the virus is trending on Tik Tok. Vaccines are poison. Then yoga teacher says that sex trafficked children are being sacrificed by satanic liberals.

[Keith Malley]

But it's all okay.

[Kevin Allison]

The great awakening is coming. What is happening? Every week on Conspirituality Podcast we explore the fever dreams that suck. Friends, family and wellness gurus. Down the right wing cult spiral in a search for salvation.

[Selena Coppock]

Foreign.

[Kevin Allison]

Hey folks, this is Risk. The show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. This week, an episode that premiered in January of 2014. It's one we call Live from NYC Podfest 2014.

[Alex Edelman]

Hello,

[Kevin Allison]

Welcome. Thank you so much everyone. Welcome to Risk. How's everyone doing tonight? Holy shit. I think the entire city is running behind tonight. For one thing, we've learned that medical marijuana is going to be okay here pretty Soon. I mean, that is good news for me because as many of you already know, I am a very, very sick man. I was very late myself because the trains are crazy on the weekends here now. They kind of don't really exist for poor people in the city anymore, the trains that go out of town. Listen, how many people have heard the podcast Risk before? Awesome. Great to know. Great to know. If you don't know. Risk is the show where people tell true stories that they never thought they'd do, dare to share. So it's not quite like an NPR kind of storytelling show. The theme of tonight's show is confession, right? And that's an odd theme for Risk because that's kind of like putting a hat on a hat, right? But I'm going to try something I've never tried before, you see, because when you do this storytelling stuff all the time, you kind of come up with, like, a greatest hit, like, 12 stories or what that you pull out whenever, when you're going to other towns. There's a story I told in the second week of risk in 2009 that became kind of, you know, a little bit of a classic. I'm going to retell it tonight. But at the end, there will be a confession. Another detail will emerge that will shed new light on this tale. So let's see how this goes. A lot of people don't believe it, but I kind of knew I was gay from, like, day one. A lot of people think, you know, kids don't know that stuff, but seriously, like, ooh. I think the first conscious thought I remember having was I was, you know, about three and a half or four years old. I was looking at the shag carpet in the dining room and just thinking to myself, wow, I really like boys, butts. And every other thing I've had since that afternoon has been pretty much that same one. But the thing of it is, is that Cincinnati is a town that hates sex. It's very, very afraid of sex. So in Cincinnati, it's not like homosexuality doesn't exist. It's like sexuality doesn't exist. So by the time I was 18 and ready to leave Ohio and come to NYU, I was so excited and very h. I got to NYU my first week, and already I was thinking, when am I gonna have my first hookup? My first gay experience? But the thing of it is, I really hadn't done any research on this city of New York. I didn't know anything about the geography or the history or anything, so I didn't know where gay Men congregated. So one day I'm in the first week of school, just standing around the hallways of the musical theater department, And I hear 2GU and they're saying, oh, you know what? You know where a lot of really good looking gay guys get together up on West 82nd Street? There's a bar where all the guys from Columbia go, and they're all really preppy and all that kind of thing. And I thought, oh my God, oh my God, I've got to learn where this bar is. So I start writing stuff down. And this shows you what a great detective I was at the age of 18. I'm right in the middle of Greenwich Vill, and I'm tracking rumors that gay men congregate 82 blocks north. But they said the place is called the Works. And there's no sign out front that says what it is. But there is a sign out front that shows plumbing, so you'll know that's where you're there. So I thought, oh my gosh, this is so great. I went to a little shop and I got an individual packet of lube. Cause I thought, this is it. This is the night I'm gonna pull out my little pack when the time comes. And I took the train up there and I found the place, I found the plumbing and all that stuff. And I walk in and the guy says, oh, if you pay $5, we'll put this little thing on your wrist and you can drink all the Pabst Blue Ribbon you want all night long. I was like, oh, my God, this was a great decision. I go on in and it's just like the guys said, it was so many cute guys. And here's the thing. I was your typical gay kid who kind of grew up terrified of competition, right? I didn't like sports. I didn't even like Monopoly. I didn't even like the game after which this show is kind of named. So all of a sudden I noticed there's all this competition happening around me. Men who are competing for other men, all the cruising. It made me so nervous. So I just kind of backed into a corner and started drink PBR after PBR after pbr. And I kept saying to myself, just stand up and say hello to that one Kevin. Didn't find it in myself to do it. And I said that one, get up and say hello. I couldn't do it. Finally, at one point I was like, I'm gonna get up, I'm gonna say hello, whoever crosses in front of my path. And I got up and Suddenly, all that PPR hit me. This tidal wave of nausea hit me, and I was like, I'm not saying hello to anyone. I've gotta get out of here. So all of a sudden, I'm like a bear on a unicycle trying to make my way out of this place. And when I finally make it to the door, I break through into the fresh air and I. Oh, okay. All right, Kevin, that was sad. That was your first attempt to hook up. But you've got. You're only 18. You've got so many years ahead of you. It's your first. Just forget about it, cut your losses and go home. So I start to walk around looking for the subway again, and I figure, well, wait a minute, why don't I just sober up a little bit and get some fresh air and see where I am? I'm walking down the block and I notice there's this big, weird black void across the street. I'm used to seeing building, building, building, but across the street there's just this darkness. I thought, oh, my God, this must be that place they call Central Park. And haven't I heard rumors that men congregate at Central park at night to have anonymous sexual encounters? Well, I'm here to tell you they do. But that is at a part of the park called the Ramble, and I was nowhere near there. Nevertheless, I thought to myself, you know what? Any man who's walking in that park at 3 o' clock in the morning is probably either on his way to the forest sex party or coming back from it. So why don't I just look for that guy? So off I went, into the dark, into the woods. Now, I have to have a little caveat at this part of the story, because when I tell it to gay friends and straight friends, people react differently. My gay friends, they're all used to this kind of story because they have friends who have had tons of anonymous sexual encounters in weird places in public, and they're used to this story being of the comedy genre. My straight friends only know this kind of story from the news. And those stories always end with chloroform and a chainsaw. So at this point, I usually feel people thinking, oh, my God, don't tell us you were murdered. I wasn't, but it was almost as bad. About 60 seconds in, I was like, oh, my God, I'm already lost. I already don't know how to get out of this park. And you know what? I don't want to get even more lost. And, you know, if My theory is correct that any man walking at 3 o' clock in the morning in this park is either going to the four sex party or coming back from one. Why don't I just wait for that man and that man alone and we can have our own little party together? I don't need to get to the big party. I only need one guy. So why don't I just park myself in the bushes and wait for him? And then I figured when I saw him coming, I'd just shimmy the leaves of the bushes and surely he would then see me and think, oh, what? It's another man in the park. Time to whip our dicks out. So that's what I did. I parked myself in the bushes, ready to shimmy. And sure enough, after about 10 minutes, a guy, I see this male figure coming down the walkway in the fog. And I look closer and I'm like, oh my gosh, he looks like he's wearing really nice clothes, like maybe Brooks Brothers suit and a really nice briefcase. It's an odd way to dress for the, for a sex party. Looks like he might just be coming home from work. But I was like, oh, he might be the only guy I see. I better jostle these leaves. So I jostle the leaves and he stops, takes a good look, and he clearly thought, the fuck is this bozo doing in the bushes? And hightailed it out of the park. Now I thought, all right, Kevin, before was sad. This is pathetic. You're waiting for just anybody in the bushes. Listen, call it a night. Just give up. You've got to get a better game plan together. So I was like, all right, all right, I'll go back the, to, to the subway. But you know what? Before I do that, maybe I'll just take a little bit of a rest. Maybe I'll take, you know, the weight off my feet for a minute. So I just laid down for a second in the bushes, and about an hour and a half later, I came to again and I was like, where the. Oh, oh, oh, oh, yes, I'm in Central Park. I started to stand up and I noticed that it was kind of wet and cold under my feet. And then I looked down and I noticed someone had stolen my sneakers. Someone had taken my sneakers right off my feet. I don't even know how they found me in the bushes in the first place, but they had, and they had absconded with them. I always like this part of the story because I get to say absconded. So now I'm thinking, you know, What Kevin before was sad and then there was pathetic. This is fiasco. You know what I mean? Fiasco is when like the bad things that happen no longer have anything to do with cause and effect, you know, this is just like Apocalypse now of hooking up, basically. So I'm like, get out of here. Get home. So I get out of the park finally in my sopping wet socks and I do find the subway. And they had tokens back then, so I was like, oh my God, I've got to get my token. And I. The train was whirling into the station at that point and I thought, oh my gosh, the train at like 4:30 in the morning. They only come like every hour. So I better get this one, I can't miss it. So I put my thing, my token in there and I run up to it and it's whooshing and whooshing and whooshing by me and slowing down. And I start to feel that wave of nausea again. And the train slows entirely and I kind of lean against the door and. And it goes bang, bang. And it opens up and I explode with vomit into the train. Now there's about six people on this train. They're all looking at me like, what the fuck? Who vomits into the train, who runs up, waves, waits for it to stop, waits for bong bong, and then lets rip. But I was like, oh my God, no, I have no time to be self conscious here. I better just jump on or I'll miss this train. So I jump on momentarily forgetting that my feet are wet and only in socks. And I go zwoop. And then bam. Down in my own mess. And now the six people on the train are at the other end of the car. And I thought, well, that has got to be the cherry on top. And all I could think to do was wave at them like hello and good night. Now here is the confession. That is the story that I've been telling all these years. That's the story that I told on the second night of Risk ever. But even though we call it true tales boldly told, there is a bold lie right in the middle of that story. Because the truth is, I blew that businessman. He did not walk up, look at me scurrying in the leaves there and think, oh my gosh, I've got to

[Keith Malley]

get out of here.

[Kevin Allison]

I had a theory and everyone here thought it was crazy. I'm thinking, oh my gosh, if a man comes through here, he's either on his way to a party or Back from one. Surely he's gonna think, let's whip our dicks out. Well, I only did one piece of research and got one piece of evidence, but the hypothesis proved true. He saw me wiggling in the bushes, and he stopped, and he was like, what? What the hell? And then he just kind of, like, stood around for a while and got closer and closer to me until we were close enough to be making eye contact. And then he kind of, like, indicated toward his crotch, and I kind of nodded and kind of started to unzip, and I kind of got on my knees, and we had a grand old time. And then, of course, I took my nap and. And got my shoes stolen. But the thing of it was, in those first days of Risk, I wasn't sure if the audience could handle it. I was still feeling it was too risky myself. But, you know, we're in our fifth year now, and by this time, a lot of you have probably heard the episode Kevin Goes to Kink Camp. So by this time point in the series, I've been tied up and peed on and screwed by a woman with a strap on. I figure everyone's ready for the truth about what happened in Central park that night. So that is the kind of magical confession we can expect tonight. We have a wonderful, wonderful lineup of storytellers, folks. It's thrilled to be a part of NYC PodFest, by the way. Like, such a wonderful thing. It's like, this is only, like, the second year, right? It's really jamming, and I love the space as well. I want to bring up our first storyteller. I tell this story every time he does Risk. Now, the first time I ever met him, I was backstage at a Risk show at the Pit, and I was listening to the Storyteller on stage, and no one's allowed backstage except the storytellers. But all of a sudden, I get this nudging next to me, and I look, and it's this kid, and he's like, I want to do this show. So I was like, all right, just email me. And he has, and he's been wonderful. He is a fantastically talented standup comic. He also writes for the Atlantic. I just learned. Please welcome to the stage Alex Edelman.

[Alex Edelman]

Hey. I thought I was second. There's peppermint.

[Keith Malley]

All right.

[Alex Edelman]

That was gross. Sorry. How are you? Good. All right. I have. I've blackmailed people for secrets. I like traveling a lot. I like airports. I really like airports. Like, I do layovers. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm a Fan. Like if I book over the phone and they're like, is there a layover? Do you mind? I'm like, I prefer it because in my mind airports are always these great places where people, they're all going to different adventures and vacations and business trips. And in reality it's just like five Hudson News and the Chili's. But in my mind, I love every airport. I like the dumb named airports like sky harbor in Phoenix. And like, this is the dumbest name for an airport. Sky harbor is just another way of saying airport. Sky, Air harbor, port, airport, airport. My favorite airport to fly through is Dallas Fort Worth Airport. And in Dallas Fort Worth Airport, my favorite terminal is terminal C. Terminal C sees 32,000 people a day. 32,000 people a day. For those 32,000 people, they have four electrical outlets. Last time I flew through there was 2010 and I had all my stuff with me. It's coming from three months in la. And if you want to find young people at any airport, go to the electrical outlets because that's where we're charging our phones and that's where we'll spend most of our layover complaining along with 50 other strangers about how lonely it is in this airport and that there's no one to talk to. And I have all my bags with me. And I realize something. As I'm waiting for this outlet, I pull out of my bag a power strip with eight outlets. And immediately I was the most popular of the 32,000 people that come through Dallas Fort Worth on a daily basis. And I was with another person. And I think maybe the first person to come up and ask if she could charge her phone was cute because he said, sure, you can charge your phone, but you need to tell us

[Kevin Allison]

something about yourself,

[Alex Edelman]

which is a cheesy pickup line, I'll grant you. And given that the window of success of hooking up with somebody in an airport can be anywhere between 15 minutes or three hours at maximum. But this was sort of a thing. Everyone who came up, we asked them for a secret for like just something about themselves. But we would egg if it wasn't fun. And most. Here's what I learned by the Texans. Incredibly boring secrets. They'll tell you anything. They're open books, but they're shitty books. The books are all less than five pages, not fully colored in yet. And about people who don't read books. Most of them were just like, I like chocolate or I'd probably be in Slytherin, like something really stupid. And then occasionally we get someone who's like peroxide blonde housewife from some part in Texas. And she'd be like, I like anal. Just like to shock us. But, you know, it actually created a conversation because airports, you learn, people are different people, and airports, like extroverts become introverts. Introverts become. Because, fuck it, you're never going to see them again. And so we're meeting a lot of these, you know, pretty vanilla single servings. But, like, we're sitting there and then all of a sudden this round of applause starts rippling through the terminal. And I look up and it's a platoon of soldiers marching in formation down the middle of the terminal. Everyone's standing and applauding. It's Texas. It's a reflex. Everyone stands up and they just applaud like you would for the national. Of course we stand, because, you know, these are soldiers and they break off when they get into the terminal and they come over to the outlet and of course they go, tell us something about yourself. Most people just respond with name and rank. And we're not going to be like,

[Keith Malley]

that's not good enough.

[Kevin Allison]

Tell us more.

[Alex Edelman]

But the funny thing is, we started getting. People started finding out about the story time power strip. I swear to God, this dude in like a Jeff Gordon hat, the most cliched southerner you could ever come up and came up and he went, I hear you guys are taking stories. And I was like, yeah, do you want to charge your cell phone? And with great pride, he went, don't got one. But he had a story. He would have been in Slytherin. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It was something bad. But one of the soldiers comes and he plugs his in. He told us something about himself. And as far as it went, it was pretty interesting. I don't remember it exactly. The next guy comes up, also a soldier. He didn't even say anything. He just was holding the phone, holding the charger in his hand. He sort of presented it. And I went, all right. And the other soldier on the outlet went, nah, that's not how this works. You have to tell us something about yourself. And the guy said something really boring like, I like the Mets or something like that. And I was like, all right, go ahead, proceed. And the other guy went, nah, that's not the most interesting thing. Tell him the real interesting thing. They were in the same unit at Ramstein, Ramstein Air Force Base in Germany. And he said, tell them that thing. And the guy went, come on, dude. And he went, no, tell them about Cheating on your wife. And so now, like, the chocolates and the Slytherins are, like, really fucking. Oh, my God. And I went, you cheated on your wife? And he went, yeah, it was someone in my unit. And I was like, there were women in your unit? And he went, no. So, of course, everyone. The funny thing is, people start now melting away. There are no more fun. This is the middle of Texas, and someone just admitted a soldier, who they've applauded, is now admitted to, like, a gay thing. And it's become this real. It's just me and him. His name's Mike. He's from Boise, and he's flying home to Idaho. And I ask him, like, what are you gonna do when you get home?

[Selena Coppock]

Have you told her?

[Alex Edelman]

He says, no. I said, what are you thinking of doing? And he pulls a stack of napkins out of his pocket. Napkins. The only detail I remember is that his handwriting was real bad and that they were Delta napkins. And he's looking at these things. And he was. And we talked for about an hour. Between 45 minutes and an hour until I went, are you gonna miss your plane? He went, shit. I don't know. I might have already. It was a really impressive kind of moment because, you know, everyone else, the point of airports is supposed to be transient and trivial, but it was a very permanent thing for this guy. For me, it still was. This is a story I tell on a podcast, but for this guy, it was a major life event. And I went home, not really feeling the weight of this massive secret from the airport. And then about a week and a half later, I get an email. It was back when I kept my email address on my Twitter page. No, I don't. He had remembered my name, and he sent me an email. And the first sentence of the email was, I thought you might like to know. Reading the email and getting to the end of it and just being pretty stunned and. And it was. I mean, for this guy. Now for me, too, I guess it is kind of, you know, a momentous secret. And, you know, secrets like that usually stay in airports. All right, guys, thanks so much for having me. I'm Alex Edelman.

[Kevin Allison]

Alex edelman. You know, I hate to say it, but the fun that I had with that soldier at Ramstein Air Force Base. Some of the best scat play I've ever known. I kid. I kid. Hey, folks, It's Kevin from 2026 again. Listen, if you love Risk, please help elevate the profile of the show and shout down the haters by Writing us reviews and giving us five star ratings on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Podchaser. And don't forget, our socials are always at risk. Show if you share our trailers or our video clips, those sorts of things, in order to call people's attention and use the hashtag listen to Risk. It's a great way to spread the word or share actual stories with friends and family and talk about them. But whenever you talk about Risk online, remember that hashtag listen to Risk. Our next storyteller. I have. It's been such a thrill to get to know these guys this past year. How many people know the podcast Keith and the Girl Listen? I mean, I remember how they used to always call Lou Reed the godfather of punk or something like that. I always think of Keith and the Girl as being like the godfathers of podcasting because these guys have been doing it since, I don't know, 2005 or something, 2004 maybe even. And they have just put out a book, the ultimate Podcasting guide. So check that out. I was telling them I think I'm going to check it out myself. And first I'd like to bring the girl of Keith and the Girl. Please welcome to the stage Hamda.

[Hamda]

Hi. Thank you. So much. Fun to be here. I. I don't know if you could tell by my name. I'm from the Middle east and I was raised with very traditional Middle Eastern family. It's very sexist, very tight. And one of the things that they like to do is instead of explaining some things to you so that you won't do the wrong thing, they just scare the ever living shit out of you and then kind of guilt you into not doing it. And it worked for a lot of things, including drugs. I really thought that if I smoked some pot I'd be on some street somewhere, I'd be homeless. I don't know. I believed also the commercials around that time. I was around 10 or so. I believe the commercials where my brain would turn into an egg and just fry on the street. I thought that I would melt into a couch and never be able to talk to a dog again. I just was so frightened. And I didn't drink, I didn't smoke. I didn't try it really. I took a couple sips maybe. I pretended I was drunk a couple times just for funsies because I was bored. So I was 21 and I did, I tried it a little bit. But as some of you might know who may have tasted the marijuana, it doesn't really take the first couple times so still at 21, I still wasn't doing anything. But it's interesting. The more you tell people you don't do it, you're not interested in it. It's just not your thing. The more it pours your way. So I got shots bought for me. I got marijuana pasta. I'm still calling it marijuana. I'm so not cool. So I'm having all this stuff. If you ever, ever want a shot or want any kind of drug, just say you're completely opposed to it and it'll just fly your way. So at 25 years old, I decided to try this again. I had a roommate moving in, and he was the biggest pothead skater. Tattoos, awesome. And this is what made me feel safe to try it for the first time. The second night that he was there, he's so enthusiastic. I'm going to get you high for the first time. It's going to be amazing. And I thought, it won't take anyway, let's try it. I think my brain is fully developed now. I've cooked a couple of eggs. We're good. So he takes out a bong. And I don't know what the hell to do with a bong. Even to this. Yes, to this day, if I'm going to try that, somebody has to hold a little thingy and then tell me how high to go. And then, you know what a pothead in the front. Do you really know? So that's what he did. He held the little thing for me, told me to inhale, told me to hold it. Told me. But it was this big, you know, sort of like I was running a marathon. He was very enthusiastic about it. Hold it.

[Kevin Allison]

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

[Hamda]

I think it's a whip. Five seconds later, I'm not high. So I try it again. Yes, you are right to murmur. So I tried it again and I tried it again and I tried it again. And I never held my breath for so long, ever in my life. And I was like, see, it doesn't woo. And I feel it like, you know in a video game where you sort of power up.

[Selena Coppock]

Like,

[Hamda]

I feel. Yeah, I feel the high coming from I don't. My vagina somewhere. I feel it coming up and I'm like, fuck, I'm getting high and I'm freaking out. I'm just like, holy shit, this is it. It's coming. I could feel it. It's like, I don't know, am I gonna vomit? What's happening? And as I'm panicking, I've watched enough TV and enough movies that you can give yourself a bad high. And so I try to calm myself down. I'm just like, we're cool. Don't give yourself a bad high. I'm just sort of breathing and then I fall into that haze. And then I made a complete fool of myself. I thought that we were having a lot of fun. But my roommate, we'll call him Evan because that's his name. My roommate Evan, the next day called me shameless, which I did not know that's what was happening the night before. But here's what happens. You guys make your own decisions. I decided that Evan was on TV because that's what my brain was doing. But in order for me to really see the program, I have to be right here on him. And so I would go right up on him and I said, you're on tv. No, seriously. No, it's amazing. And I think I told him a story about what he's doing on tv, blah, blah, blah. And he just. I didn't know at the time again, but he was just like, get out of my face. So I decided, you know, the movie was over and something else needs to happen. I was wearing a wife beater at the time, no bra. And I was the Hulk. Thank you. And so I ripped the. It's amazing. Have you ever tried to do that? It's amazing that I accomplished this task all the way. I ripped it all the way open and I was like, this is so cool. But I've never seen a heterosexual male be so not interested in boobies. And I. But that's not what I was going for anyway. I was the Hulk and I had the shirt off at this point. And I'm like, this is magical. I don't think you understand. And watch this now. Again, I don't know if you know this. If you rip the back half, picture this. Now the holes that were meant for your sleeves. Uh huh. Are now holes that you put over your head. And you have a cape. And not just one cape, there are two sleeves. Evan had to wear a cape also. We're superheroes. We're high. This is what you wanted. So we are in capes. And he is so fed up. There's a formula in his head that he thinks will work. And it did. What he did was he put on the movie half baked. And I'm like, I will finally get it. So excited. And then what a. I'm so mad at him to this day. This is. He put a Costco size party mix, potato chip, cheese doodle pretzel. You know the kind you do. See, Put it. He put it right in front of me, and I took the first bite, and I was like, how did I ever underestimate Doritos? My life. And I just. I. I was eating, like,

[Kevin Allison]

did you know about this?

[Hamda]

Oh, my God. Just, like, making all the noises because it's the only way it could taste even better. This was wonderful. Ten minutes later, I'm passed out. I'm sure he's happy again. He called me shameless the next day. And I decided maybe weed wasn't for me. I thought we were having a nice time. And it turns out I'm an asshole the whole time. So I never let anyone pass. Pass the joint to me. Never happens again. Cut to about five years ago, I start dating a pothead. Pothead's name is Lauren. Hi, Lauren. And so Lauren says, we should smoke. And I said, I've been here before. You don't want any of it. I was called shameless. Here's the story. You don't want it, believe me. Lauren goes, yeah, I think we'll be okay. All right, you asked for it. We're going for it again. Everybody to be made. Let's take it out. So I smoked some weed, and I like seltzer. And there was a seltzer bottle, and I blew the shit out of it. I licked. I was thorough. If you ever see bubbles in a seltzer, you will remember me. Now just open the seltzer and know that I did that. So the next day I said, I'm really sorry. I know what you want to say. The word is shameless. Here it is. And Lauren goes, I love you so much. That was the hottest moment in my life. We are engaged to be married. I've never been more happy. And I smoke pot every night now, but it's just to go to sleep. Thank you, guys.

[Kevin Allison]

Camda, So awesome. I love the crowd instruction. You are right to murmur. More murmuring, please. Our next guest is the other part of Keith and the girl. So a thrill to have both on tonight. Please welcome to the stage, Mr. Keith Malley.

[Keith Malley]

Thank you. Thank you very much. I have two stories, and, you know, I could tell you, either one is, I'm the guy with. With two penises. Or I could tell you the story about how last night I literally murdered an innocent person. So by round of applause, what story would you like to hear? The story I will tell you does have to do. I don't mean to tease. It does have to do with penis. Has to do with my penis and the day I broke my penis. And it's not as simple as, like, you would think. Like, oh, did you break the bone in your dick? There's not actually a bone in your dick. They say boner. It's blood. I know I blew somebody's mind. Mine was. But some years ago, I didn't know if my dick is broken forever for only being so many inches. There is so much. There's. Oh, so much that is related to the penis. And a man or woman can easily understand, by the way. That's how I used to tell reports in high school. Abraham Lincoln was a great man. He did, oh, so many things. The act. But you know what I'm saying, It's important. Anyway, I'm a little nervous because I've never done storytelling like this, you know, per se. But like you, I'm a big fan of the Risk. And I see storytellers do it, and I know their tricks. You know, where it's like they. Okay, they start with something, and then they go to something totally different. Like, oh, did that even come out of my mouth? Then they tell something different, and you're like, they're gonna be embarrassed when they hear the tape. But then at the end, they go back to that exact same set, and you're like, oh, it's a sandwich. You know, like, let me give you an example. Like, if you told me that I'd be blowing two bums in the frat house after I won the Heisman Trophy, I would have called you crazy. I was always an A student in high school. Like, oh, I certainly never expected to celebrate anything by shoving a pound of Brie out my own asshole. Visiting the parents during Christmas. This is daunting. Anyways, I had a rash on my penis that just came out of nowhere. And I was so scared. And I'm Googling it. I'm looking things up, and nobody seems to have had this problem. I mean, WebMD had AIDS and cancer, but nothing normal taught me anything. And I was so scared. So I go to the doctor, and a real doctor, not a free clinic, because I've been to a free clinic. When I went to a free clinic, it was just for the yearly checkup, see if there's any bugs down there. It doesn't matter how careful you are. If you go for the checkup, even if it's routine, you get nervous. You can be a virgin, you're still nervous, something's up. You know, like, the doctor's gonna say to you, we have good news and bad the good news is we're gonna name it after you. The bad news is you have a case of the Malleys. Doctor, what is this? So I go into the free clinic, and the guy goes, okay, second shelf, get the paperwork. Third shelf. While you're there, bring me the remote control to the tv. So I give him the remote control and I go, are you a secretary? A nurse? He goes, no, I just come here a lot. I know my way around. Another guy's leaning against the wall, and he's on the phone, and he goes, listen, you fucking punta bitch. I'm dripping ooze and I'm fucking itching all over. Fuck you, you cunt. As he's talking, a patient, a woman, comes in and she hears everything, you know, Punta cunt, dripping, ooze. It doesn't matter. He blocks the phone with his chest and he goes, hey, you looking good, baby boo. She blushes and says, oh, thanks. That's sweet, boo. It's a clinic. Then a guy goes to me and goes, hey, you're in my seat. Now, some people, they seem like they live here, so I'm not gonna cause problems. But I'm so close to being an asshole. Like, ugh, is your name on it? I grab my coat, I see behind me, carved in the seat, Jamal. I'm like, oh, okay, all right. It is carved in. The guy that I gave the remote to, he goes to turn on the tv. It's in a cage, you know, and they're playing some abstinence video from, like, 1965. Like, you know, the only way not to get a disease is to be abstinent. And even then, you can't tell nowadays. And so he's about to change the channel, but on the bottom of the TV screen, it says, do not change the channel under any circumstances. As he's about to change the channel, the nurse walks in and goes, no and points to the tv. Under no circumstances. He says, but, Betty, I just been told I got aids. She points harder. Under no circumstances. You're not the first. So no free clinic. So I go to regular doctor. I could have just started with that. That's the point. I go to a regular doctor. See how I drink? Yeah. You thought it'd be about free clinics. It's not at all. So I go to a regular doctor and I say, you know, I have this rash on my, you know, dick. I don't know what's wrong. True story. He goes, let me get the magnifying glass. I'm just joking. I got Patch Adams. Okay? So. So he looks at my dick and he's like, okay. It's like jock itch, but a little worse. It's okay. I'm giving you a prescription cream, and you're going to be fine, which is good news, but it's just. Why is everything prescription if your dick is fine? You're not messing with strange creams for fun. Let's see what it does. So I go in and I give my prescription, and I go, okay, I'll take that, please. And they go, you know this elderly gentleman, and he says, hmm, it's a cream. And I go, yes, and I will take the cream. No, son, no. It's for your penis. I will give you money for what you said. No, no, no. The cream is for your penis. And there's like three. Three lines of, like, Dwayne Reed. And, you know, in the aisles, like, what's that? A cream? I think it's for his penis. A cream for the penis, you say? Because I don't think you understand, son. It's for your penis. I get it. I think you just have to do what they tell you to do. It's like, okay, okay. All right, son, how big's the area? Like, as big as it says it is on the paper, Son, I need to know how big is the area on your penis? And I go, I don't know. You know, it's like this. But then sometimes it's like this. It's like you're looking at me like I'm an asshole, but I.

[Kevin Allison]

That.

[Keith Malley]

That the area gets pretty. I don't fucking know. He goes, all right, all right, here's the cream. He gives me the cream, doesn't work. Month later, I'm back at the doctor. Sorry, doctor, the cream didn't work. They go, that's what I expected. Were right on schedule. I'm gonna give you a pill. $165. That's gonna wipe it right up. I'm like, all right, fine. So it's worth it. I take the pill, doesn't work, Come back a month later. I go, doc, this isn't working. It's been months. Now my chick's starting to take it personal. Did I tell you? Oh, so much things are related to the dick, doctor? Oh, so many things. So he goes, okay, we're right on schedule with the pill not working either. $2,000. We're right on schedule. I have a. I'm gonna give you a cream, and I'm giving you a pill, and that's gonna do it. And I go, doctor, there's something else we gotta do. This is ridiculous. He goes, okay, you take the cream, you take the pill. If it doesn't work, you come back a month later, and we're gonna cut

[Kevin Allison]

off a piece of your dick.

[Keith Malley]

I'm like, this is some bedside, man. Right?

[Kevin Allison]

So.

[Keith Malley]

And he goes, relax, relax. We're gonna cut off a piece of your dick, and we're gonna send it to the scientist, and they're gonna tell us what's wrong. I'm like, wait, you're missing a fucking word in there. Dick skin? You're gonna cut off a piece of dick skin? He's like, okay, easy. All right? Somebody went to school for this. I'm like, doctor, it's a biopsy. So. And you know what? As freaky as that is, I mean, I'm so frustrated. I'm in tears often. It's so. Thank you. One moment. Go around the room. Thank you. Well, it is what it is,

[Kevin Allison]

but

[Keith Malley]

it's debilitating and it's so sad. And, yeah, you're gonna cut off a piece, but, okay, maybe it grows back thicker, you know what I mean? Like shaving. They're the scientists. So I take the cream, I take the pill. It doesn't work. I come back, they go, okay, no problem. Right on schedule. There's a new cream on the market. And I go, doctor, we gotta take drastic action. Let's cut off a piece of my dick skin, send it to the scientist. And he looks at me, he goes, you want me to cut off a piece of your dick skin?

[Kevin Allison]

You said it.

[Keith Malley]

I didn't say you said it. I wasn't watching tv, and they said, ask your doctor if cutting off a piece of your dick skin is right for you. You said it, freak. Don't turn it around. So they cut off a piece of my dick skin. I never got the results. I've been seeing doctors throughout. Nobody has an answer. And I'm just disgusted ago. And I'm like, that's it. I have no more. This is the life I'm gonna live. Like, I'm sure I can't be the only one, by the way. I would have been the one thing. No support groups.

[Hamda]

Yeah.

[Keith Malley]

So it's just. I'm having a fucking time. It ends up by not going to a doctor, it just goes away. It just goes away. No rhyme or reason. However, I kept. And I still keep getting bills for this. And it gets like. You ever get these letters and, you know, I mean, healthcare is free in America if you want it to be. You get the letter, and you ignore it. Right in the fucking garbage. Go fuck yourself. And then. But then the secretary rates on it, like, Mr. Malley, please pay your bill. Smiley face. You know, rate in the garbage. And then they take the big red marker and they go, keith Malley, you know, this is your responsibility. Three exclamation points. First of all, I don't take that shit serious unless there's five exclamation points. It's underlined, circled, and arrows going to it. Right in the garbage.

[Kevin Allison]

Goodbye.

[Keith Malley]

You know, I'm not saying if your job is to handle dick skin, you shouldn't get paid. You should. That's horrible job. I'm just saying a doctor is the only profession that when you fuck up, you still expect to get paid. Right? Braiding the guard.

[Kevin Allison]

What a.

[Keith Malley]

What a. You know what? And it's so. First of all, let me say this. I feel like the front row is, like inching back a little bit. I swear, I'm fine inching, itching, all of it. I swear, I kind of want to take out my dick and show you afterwards. I'll show you one at a time. And keep your phones in your pockets. And I'm onto some of. But it's just even thinking about. I remember I saw an interview with George Clooney and he said, you know, he used to be on er, and he says, you know, even with. I mean, he's at the top of his game, if not the top. And he says, even after all the movies and stuff that I've done, people remember that I was on er, and they come to me thinking I'm a doctor, and they asked me questions, you know, about their health. That is so fucking goofy. I don't think there's any way that's possible. I think regular people like me go to doctors. They don't help us at all. And we think, well, ER was a multimillion dollar production and they had millions of viewers. They probably had scientists figure out the lingo. Maybe George Clooney worked on a dick rash episode. I meet him in the symposium. That's something real, right? And I go, hey, can you just. Did you do an episode? I don't really think you're a doctor. That'd be stupid. But can you just look at the rash?

[Selena Coppock]

Maybe.

[Keith Malley]

Maybe he did, maybe he did. I went to one doctor and he said, well, let's figure out where this rash came from. Do you have any children? And I said, why would it matter? He said, because maybe you got it playing with your children. I'm like, when I would play with my children, with my dick, like, I'm on to Quetzalprem over here. Anyway, it did go away. I'm very happy. I remember I celebrated by shoving a pound of Brie up my own asshole. Thank you guys, so very much. I appreciate it. Thank you,

[Kevin Allison]

Keith Malley, everyone. All right, we have one last storyteller for the night. She is a favorite of ours. We love having her on every time. She is a fabulous storyteller. Roundabout Town. Please welcome to the stage Selena Coppock.

[Selena Coppock]

I used to subscribe to the Groucho Marx, saying I would never want to be part of a club that would have me as a member when it came to relationships. For a long time, my entire life, until recently, was very suspicious of male attention. I always thought it was duplicitous and bullshit and not real. And I blame that on an experience I had when I was in seventh grade. I was on a bus to a Christian youth group ski trip to New Hampshire, and I was flirting with this guy who was also in seventh grade, and he asked me if I would want to go out with him. Whatever going out is when you're in seventh grade. But I said yes, and I was excited. And so for the whole weekend, we were going out. It was pretty great. And then on the ride back to Boston, he revealed that it was all a big joke. It was a hilarious ruse. And he and his friends were on the bus cracking up, because who would want to date me? I mean, are you kidding me? Like, of course it was a joke. Who wants to date Selena? And that really stuck with me. I just never believed guys when they claimed to like me. I always thought it was a giant long game ruse and that they were gonna try to fuck me over in the end somehow. So I really did believe that for a long time. I was extremely paranoid with men I could. I just never believed it. I didn't think any intentions were true. So I always preferred bad guys, because at least a wolf is in wolf's clothing, you know? I got no time for a wolf in sheep's clothing. But, like, if you're a dick and you say you're a dick, okay, like, no one's gonna get hurt here. Cause fuck you. Cause fuck you. You know what I mean? But if you claim to be a nice guy, oh, no, no, no. You're gonna fucking chew me up and spit me out. So I went after bad guys for a long, long time. And my confession is that that paranoia and distrust of really good guys prompted me a couple years ago to really eat this guy alive. Really nice guy. And I fucking ruined him.

[Hamda]

Oh, yay.

[Selena Coppock]

So a couple years ago, I was at an open mic. I'm a stand up comedian, I'm a storyteller. And I was at an open mic with a bunch of pals and I was just sort of bitching about dates. And I was describing my type, which is like husky fucking man's man. You know, like beard. And ideally, like a guy who appreciates comedy, like, knows what Mr. Show is, but doesn't do comedy. You know, like perfect. Ding, ding, ding. And also, of course, loves Guns N Roses and Old School Rock. So I'm chatting about this and this guy, sort of friend, acquaintance, comedian friend of mine, was like, hey, you would love my brother Bob. You guys would be great together. He is everything you're doing, describing. So I do a little Facebook research and Bob is like kind of my type, but, like, kind of tiresome. And like, you can already tell just from the photos. I was like, a little tiresome already. Like in every group photo of this guy, if there's a whole gang of people all like, smiling for the camera. In every photo, Bob's looking off like he's shocked. And that's hilarious, but it gets tiresome real quick. And so I'm like, oh, he seems really funny. Like, I should give this a shot. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. Like, he's not, you know, a wolf in sheep's clothing. He's a fucking sheep. Like wicked sheep, you know? And he was my type in so many ways. Like, he was husky, which I really like, but I tend to prefer husky in, like, used to play hockey or football in childhood and then like kind of let themselves go, you know? Yeah. Which it's like, hot shit. I dig it.

[Hamda]

Yeah.

[Selena Coppock]

But he was husky in a way of, like, always hated gym class, you know, like, you know, but he was very funny. And he was really pale skinned, which I am a self hating Irish woman. Oh, my God. Like, I like olive complexion guys. I so prefer that. Like when I used to watch Chips Patrol, I loved Ponch. You know who didn't love Ponch? Everyone loved Ponch. No one liked John, but so he really didn't align with a lot of the things that I liked. But he seemed so nice. So I was like, you know what, Selena? Oh, like go after a nice guy who is straight up for real nice. So we started corresponding on Facebook and the messages were so damn funny. Oh, my God. Like, all we would do is like, write funny jokes to each other. And then quote Guns N Roses lyrics to each other, but, like, in conversation. So I'd be like, you know, I believe that Axl Rose is a mean machine, but I've got a problem with his assertion that he's been drinking gasoline. It was like, so dumb. But like, we would write these like, stupid Guns n Roses things back and forth to each other, and it was so much fun. So then we started going out and having drinks together. And it was so platonic. Oh, my God, it was so platonic. But I wanted it to be romantic. I really wanted to. To want him. And so I did the three beer test many times. And the three beer test is a test that I have whenever I am hanging out with a dude and it feels really platonic. But I want to know if there could ever be a chance. I drink three beers on an empty stomach and ta da. And if I don't want to fucking crawl across the table and shove my tongue down this guy's throat, I know that I will simply never want to be intimate with him. It's kind of like a good little indicator, you know? So I did the three beer test time after time after time. And he kept flunking it. And I was like, oh, I wanna want you, you know? But it just wasn't working. But he was so damn nice, and so I was like, you know what, Selena? Just do this. Go for the sheep. Be with a nice guy. So we were hanging out for a little while and he was so lovely. At the time I was working on the Sex and the City bus tour. I don't know if you guys are familiar with that tour that is supposedly ruining the West Village.

[Keith Malley]

Fuck you.

[Selena Coppock]

But. So I was a tour guide on the Sex and City bus tour, which for the uninitiated is a three hour tour. But we don't bring coconut bras. But it's a three hour tour where we go all over Manhattan. And it's mostly women from the Midwest and women from English speaking countries in the UK and Europe. And it's like 99% women. 55 ladies on a bus, three hours cruising Manhattan, seeing where Samantha fucked that guy where Charlotte bought the rabbit. You know, like, cruising, it is a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun. And literally no one from my friends or family ever rode on the tour when I was giving it. So when Bob wanted to ride on the tour, I was like, fuck yeah, this is great. So he came, came on the tour and sat right up front in my. You know, I sit up front because I'M the tour guide and he would sit next to me. So he came on this tour with me and it's fucking 54 women and Bob and oh, like how lovely of him to come along. So we're cruising around the West Village and of course we start talking about, you know, the ladies and their men. And so we talk about Aiden versus Big, you know what I mean? And you know, Big was this bad guy, just like bad news, you know, like he cheated on Carrie with his fucking second wife. You know, the beige situation. Like he cheated on his wife with Carrie. He was so unemotional, he was so unavailable to her and he was such a bad dude. But she fucking ends up with him, you know, and then there's sweet Aiden, who's this lovely carpenter, and like the two damaged woods come together, you know. Like he's so awesome and she fucking eats him alive, you know, like, so I'm on, you know, and I'm making jokes and I was like, you know, Aiden was just too nice. Like a guy like that, I would fucking show up and spit him out. And as I say that, these 54 women are just cackling and clapping. They're like, yeah. And I look over at Bob and he's just horrified. And I wanted to be like, I'm gonna eat you alive, Ron. But I didn't. I had invited him to a wedding of my college friends who were getting married in Hoboken. And I had invited him and I was just really sad, like to go with a guy I was seeing because I set up the bride and the groom because I'm really good at that for everyone else. I was invited to the rehearsal dinner, but without a date. So I went over to Hoboken that Friday night for the rehearsal dinner, just solo. And it's 30 dudes who I went to Hamilton with and they're great guys and we're partying really hard and having fun and I end up sort of hitting it off with this one guy, Chris, who went to college with me. And he is fucking bad news. Like I know he's bad news. He got kicked out of my college. Super fuck up, but super rich, which I also think is gross. Played soccer, olive complexion, really witty, Just like, oh, you're such a bad idea. And we get really drunk and he and I end up going back to his hotel room in Hoboken and making out. G rated hookup. But nonetheless fucking, you know, I mean shitty. Super shitty of me. So I wake up the morning of the wedding and I'm in his Hotel room. And I'm like, just FYI, I'm coming to the wedding in a couple hours with a date, so don't be weird. Bye. Oh, God. So I go back to Brooklyn, I shower, I put on my dress. Bob shows up for the car service, and he's so excited to go to this wedding. And he's so lovely. Oh, God. So we walk into the church in Hoboken, arm in arm, and Chris must have forgotten that I had warned him that I would be bringing a date. Because Chris the Brink groomsman's just like, er. And I'm just acting like everything's fine, walking in with Bob, and I just think to myself, like, God, Selena, who's the bad guy? It's you. It's me, you know? So I spend the entire reception avoiding Chris the groomsman and hanging out with Bob, who spends the entire reception posing for photos in which he's staring off. I'm just like, stop doing that. And then doing his patented paste hors d' oeuvres move, which he loves, which is that whenever there's paste hors d' oeuvres going around, he always says, let me try one of these bad boys. And it's funny. On time, number one or two or three even, but times five through 15, I'm like, oh, my God, stop. I'm just. Oh, it's just so tiresome. I just got no love. So right after the reception is over, I'm like, let's go back to the hotel room and we just go to sleep. I'm just. I want this day to be done so badly. So we go back to the hotel room, fall asleep, we wake up the next day, and I immediately break up with him. I know, I know. I just. I felt so horrible about the whole thing and I felt like I was such a prick and I felt like I was dating him out of pity and I was that shitty seventh grade schmuck on the ski trip, trip bus, you know? Like, don't fucking do that. Don't fucking date someone to be nice. Like, don't date someone to try to convince yourself that you're the good guy. Cause you're not. You're the asshole by doing that, you know? The whole thing made me so sad. But in the spirit of risk, I break up with him. He hops in the shower. I know that Chris, the bad news guy, is two floors directly below us. So Bob hops in the shower, I hop on the elevator, go down two floors, show up at Chris's door just like, dun, dun, dun, we fucking make out. I like push him away, run away. Like, I just needed like one last, like, fucking bad shit, good night. And I knew I needed to change my ways. And I knew that for me and for everyone, there's never gonna be that black and white of a division. There's never gonna be the bad character, Big, who's so bad, you know? And there's never gonna be the good guy, Aiden. Like, no, you're gonna find someone in the middle, in a gray area. And that's what I'm trying to do. More so now is like, I think that you can find a nice guy who has an edge. And in the spirit of that Groucho Marx quote, to be in a coupling with a nice guy who has an edge and keeps me on my toes. That's the kind of team or group that I would like to be a member of. Thank you.

[Keith Malley]

Broken heart always better Kind of close to my chest Love for me just been walking apart it doesn't really matter

[Kevin Allison]

it never really matter I never really

[Keith Malley]

had a broken heart Such a shock to me we look to me like

[Kevin Allison]

people going through the motion and when

[Keith Malley]

it's over here the hearts are broken.

[Kevin Allison]

That is it for this week's episode, folks. This is Dr. Dog behind me now. And special thanks to Jeremy Wein for helping us out with NYC Podfest there. Really great time. Other than that, be sure to check out our [e-mail] where you can find out all about our workshops. Storytelling for Business, Storytelling for the stage, the page for dating for job interviews and more. Also online courses and one on one coaching over Skype. Just go to thestorystudio.org folks. Today's the day. Take a risk. I blew that businessman

[Selena Coppock]

ra.