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- [00:01]
Ryan Reynolds
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- [00:18]
Kevin Allison
Gentle enough to use every single day.
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Ryan Reynolds
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Kevin Allison
Cart for an exclusive free gift with.
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Ryan Reynolds
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- [00:31]
Kevin Allison
Was so easy I was able to.
- [00:33]
Ryan Reynolds
Finance it through them.
- [00:34]
Kevin Allison
I just.
- [00:34]
Ryan Reynolds
Whoa, wait.
- [00:35]
Kevin Allison
You mean finance? Yeah, finance.
- [00:37]
Ryan Reynolds
Got pre qualified for a Carvana auto.
- [00:39]
Kevin Allison
Loan, entered my terms and shot from.
- [00:40]
Ryan Reynolds
Thousands of great car options all within my budget. That's cool. But financing through Carvana was so easy. Financed, done and I get to pick up my car from their Carvana vending machine tomorrow. Financed, right? That's what I said. You can spend time trying to pronounce financing or you can actually finance and buy your car today on Carvana financing subject to credit approval. Additional terms and conditions may apply. Meet Natural Cycles the only FDA cleared and CE marked birth control app that's built around your body. The Natural Cycles app pinpoints your fertile days by tracking shifts in your temperature so you can plan or prevent pregnancy naturally. It's easy to use. Simply take your temperature in the morning with our free Bluetooth thermometer included with our annual plan, or sync with your Oura ring or Apple Watch. The app analyzes your data and tells you daily whether it's a fertile or non fertile day. Natural cycles is 93% effective with typical use and 98% effective with perfect use. But beyond effective birth control, the app helps you understand your body and cycle better than ever. And unlike some period tracking apps, Natural Cycles provides an advanced data protection program to keep your information private and secure. Ready to go hormone free? Sign up for the Natural Cycles annual plan and get a free Bluetooth thermometer plus 15% off your subscription with the code RADIO15@natural cycles.com Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile.
- [02:02]
Julia Rossi
Now I was looking for fun ways to tell you that Mint's offer of.
- [02:06]
Ryan Reynolds
Unlimited Premium Wireless for $15 a month is back. So I thought it would be fun if we made $15 bills, but it.
- [02:14]
Julia Rossi
Turns out that's very illegal. So there goes my big idea for the commercial.
- [02:19]
Ryan Reynolds
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- [02:30]
Julia Rossi
Hey, folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. This week, it's an episode that premiered in May of 2013, an episode we call Live from Philly 2. Hello, kids, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and and this is Rongda behind me now. Well, I'll tell you, we had such an amazing time the first time we took Risk down to Philadelphia that we decided to get down there again as soon as possible. The people at the First Person Arts organization are so wonderful to work with. Jamie Brunson, James Claiborne, Karina Casala. We love them. So we went back down to Philly and did a show at the free Library there a couple weekends ago, and it was so solid, we decided to give you the whole enchilada. But it's a wee bit long for one episode, so we've split it into two parts. Three stories this episode, three stories the next. We'll start off with one from me. I first told a version of this story at one of the very first wrist shows ever in 2009. But this is kind of a revamp of it. So without further ado, let's get to it. We revisit the city of Brotherly Love. This is Risk, live in Philly 2. Oh, boy. This goes back to, you know, my first days when I started performing on stage as a solo. The story kind of starts with a little bit of a brain fart, and it ends with a full body belch, which might sound a little rude and crude, but it taught me something beautiful. In 1996, Luna Lounge was the church, mosque, and temple of alternative comedy in the East Village of New York City. And that was just a legendary summer for that particular house. I remember one night I leapt up on that stage and I grabbed that mic, and I had kind of fantasized in the previous couple of days that what I was about to do was so unusual that maybe historians of comedy and the future would say, out of all the monologues that have ever been done, that one was the most confusing but so funny. Well, I said to the host, who was Jeff Ross, you can see him on Comedy Central all over the place nowadays. I said, introduce me as a mystery guest. And when I grabbed the mic, I said, hi there. Well, I guess you're all wondering just exactly who I am. And that's why I'm perfectly willing to admit that I am Charles Manson.
- [06:46]
Kevin Allison
Joke, joke.
- [06:49]
Julia Rossi
Jocular content, folks. Jocular content. I'm not Charles Manson. That's how the monologue began. Then I get really angry at the audience for having believed that I might be Charles Manson. And then I get horribly, horribly sad that they now believe that I'm not. It was completely schizophrenic. And I get to the end of the first paragraph, and I'm supposed to look at a person in the audience and say, think about it, Jackass. And I do. And after saying that, I find I've gone completely blank. I don't know the next line. I don't know the next paragraph. I can't remember what this monologue is about. There was kind of a tectonic shift going on for me that summer. You see, the State, the sketch comedy group that I was a part of, we were shattering to pieces. We had been together for eight years, and when we were 23, 24, 25, we had our own series on MTV. And all that time I thought, oh, my gosh, we're so wonderful together that surely we'll be together. And till we're in our 70s, like the rolling Stones, when what I probably should have been following that up with is, think about it, Jackass. But really, I was clinging to the fact that there's safety in numbers, that when you're on stage, in front of an audience, or in front of cameras, it can be nerve wracking at times, but. But you've always got teammates when you're in a group to catch you when you fall. But in the summer of 96, my team was history. And whenever I'd step on the stage at that point in my life, the first thing I thought was, oh, shit, I'm all alone. Well, in 2013, there's alternative comedy shows every night, dozens of them all over New York city. But in 96, there was one, Luna Lounge on Monday nights. Louis CK, Marc Maron, Jeanine Garofalo, Patton Oswalt, Dave Chappelle, Zach Galifianakis. Everyone was at Luna Lounge on Monday nights. And I'd find myself around those people and just think. I just have to pretend I'm confident. I would just think, well, you know, yeah, yeah, I've been on tv. I'm just gonna act like I'm going places. But in fact, in my intestines, I always felt like I was on five hits of acid. The fact was that every Monday, the stage fright and the social anxiety were getting worse. There were some Monday nights when I couldn't bring myself to leave my apartment just to go see the show. And I lived two doors down. The thing was, I just didn't want people to see that I wasn't totally sure of myself. And I was looking right past the fact that all the other comedians were letting the audience see their insecurities and then making jokes about it and getting laughs. But no, no, no, no. I couldn't be happy with that. Because I thought I had the solution. I thought that if I just played confident characters, no one would ever have to see me, right? I'd play a guy who really believed in himself something other than Kevin. And every word that came out of that guy's mouth was going to be obsessively memorized. When I was doing Bits back then, I'd spend about three days perfecting it word by word. And then three days memorizing it. I would recite it into my Sony Walkman with Megabass. And then I remember that Manson monologue. I walked from the Lower east side up to Harlem and back again. Just listening to those 10 paragraphs over and over and over. And there's only so memorized a thing can get, folks, at a certain point. It's time. Diminishing returns. So there I was, up there on stage at Luna. And I'd made it to the end of paragraph one. And the place was packed. People were growing up, the walls like ivy. And it was a total fire trap because they didn't even have seats. So most of the crowd was sitting, Indian seats style, right there on the floor. So I get to that big line. Think about it, jackass. And the stage fright. Ripped the next nine paragraphs right out of my mind. I kind of felt like one of those guys in a dunking booth who had just been talking to everybody. And then someone throws a baseball, and suddenly I'm underwater. I was staring at them, and they were staring back at me, and they were confused. So I start thinking, what do I do? What do I do? What do I do? I know I'll go back to the beginning, because if I do that, I'll get the flow and all the words will just come back. So all of a sudden, I find myself saying, hi, there. I guess you're all wondering who I am. And that's why I'm perfectly willing to admit that I am Charles Manson. So now my already colossally confusing monologue was becoming like Waiting for Godot. So I get to that point, think about it, jackass. And I'm blank again. Like, I just run right up to the very same edge of the very same cliff. And I'm staring at them, and they're staring at me. And I'm telling you, I don't think I'd ever felt that kind of unsafe before. I turned to Jeff Ross, who was hosting the show. He was on the stage because the place was so fucking packed, the host couldn't get off it. I turned to him and I knew I had to speak in such a way so that he could hear what I was saying, but I accidentally said it so that everyone could hear what I was saying. I said, I can't do this. And I started to leave the room. Now, here's the thing. There were no aisles. The door was about 40ft away, and in front of it, packed shoulder to shoulder, sitting Indian style, was the crowd. So I just start stepping between, between and over bodies like I'm a barefoot man in a field of cacti. Then something amazing happened. You see, this was the beginning of the big alt comedy scene. So what people were actually expecting was the unexpected. Everyone was trying to be Andy Kaufman. So the audience, what they thought was, oh, Kevin is playing a guy who's so insane, he doesn't know if he's Charles Manson or not. That's probably also the kind of guy who would be seized by sudden, desperate urges to flee comedy shows. And they'd heard me say, I can't do this. So they said, no, you can do it, do it, do it, do it, do it. And I'm crawling between them and I'm going, no, I really can't. And there's tears starting to come down out of my. And then I realized, holy shit, I'm totally winning them over. This room is going nuts when someone grabs one of my feet and I'm down into the bodies. Then I found myself doing something I'd never done before. I was body surfing. They had porn, pushed my body up and started throwing me around themselves. It was the 90s. It was all the rage. And here's the thing. Body surfing is especially awkward when everyone's seated Indian style. But I'm going around and around going, no, no, no, no, no. I feel like I'm a guy in a J. Cheap 60s horror movie who's been shat into the bowels of hell. But finally, they kind of surf me back up to the stage and belch me back up onto it. So I get to my feet and I'm wiping the tears out of my eyes, and I realized I'm no longer the dominant partner in this relationship. I had no choice but to finish the monologue. And so somehow it came back to me, word by word. I went total Manson on those motherfuckers, saying I was gonna paint the wall with their blood. And they loved it. Now, afterwards, I went home two doors down, and I was thinking, wow, everyone said the same thing. They didn't care at all if I had fucked up parts of it or not. They thought it was the best bit of the night. But I didn't fully understand what that night's significance was until many years later. Just a couple years ago, I was listening to the radio and I heard a concert by Bob Dylan in 1964 at Avery Fisher hall in Lincoln Center. A big deal. He's only 23 years old. It's a suit and tie kind of affair. And he starts into a song. He plays a little riff, and he plays it again and again and again and again. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on with this concert? And he finally stops and he says to the audience, do any of you know how the lyrics to this song starts? And they yell it out to him, and he finishes the song. And when I heard that, I thought, oh, my God, that takes me back to luna Lounge in 96. Because at that time, I was so obsessed with this idea that my team was gone and there was no one to catch me if I fell. But the truth was, there was a team I could reach out to that night. There were people all over the room who caught me when I fell. So remember that if you ever find yourself in a situation like that where you're staring at a group of people and you feel like you're all alone, I'll bet they think you can do it. Thank you. Well, I am sorry. I'm so excited, folks. We have so many wonderful stories and wonderful storytellers. We have some folks here from New York, and we have some folks from the local scene here, folks who have done a lot of work with First Person Arts already. The first person I want to bring up is someone who's very near and dear to my heart. Because if it wasn't for Julia, there might not be a risk. It was Julia's show, Strip Stories, that kind of introduced me to this format. It was the first place where I really took a risk and walked away understanding, wow, that was Amazing. And it got me thinking of doing this very show. She's also on VH1 on a regular basis and on, I think, the Playboy Channel with a show called Foursome. Walk of Shame. But she doesn't get naked in it. She just makes fun of people who do. Please welcome Julia Rossi.
- [21:26]
Ryan Reynolds
Thank you. Julia Rossi shaves her hairy toes. That it was what Katie Kearney said into the phone to the operator and then hung up. In seventh grade. And it was true. I did shave my hair. I still do shave my hairy toes. But I didn't want anyone to know that, especially not the operator. I mean, I was convinced that she was going to now call everyone in Belmont, Massachusetts and be like, hello, Bell Atlantic here. Just want to let you know that Julia Rousey shaves her feet. You know, like, that's what I thought was going to happen. Katie was my best friend, but she was also my bully. And so for anyone here who's had that kind of situation, you know that it's even worse than just having a bully because she would be mean to me and then do really nice things to make up for it and then do mean. She was basically like the closest thing I'd ever had to an abusive husband. And so she would trick me into telling her things and then use those things against me. So we're at her house and we're hanging out, and she was like, oh, my God. Like, you, like, totally shave your legs, right? And I'm like, yeah. She was like, and you shave your armpits? Like I shave my armpits. Everyone shaves their armpits at our age. I'm like, oh, my God, yeah, totally. She's like. And like other things, right? I mean, you are Italian. What, like your feet? And I was like, yeah, shave my toes. And she was like, ew. Because Katie was blonde and fair skinned and tall and perfect, and everyone liked her because she was a really good actress. But then with me, she was a psycho bitch. So she called the operator. She said, julia Rousey, shoes are hairy toes. Hung up. And then she didn't realize that the operator clearly has caller id. So the operator called back. Katie's mom answered. Katie's mom comes into the bedroom and was like, who called the operator? Katie's like, julia did it. I start weeping because I don't know how to react. Her mom's like, oh, please don't do it again. And then she's like, oh, you're such a baby. Why are you crying? And then she bought me an ice cream. So this was Pretty much our dynamic. And so you can imagine the fear that I had when my sister told me back in 2007 that Katie's mother in law lived across the street from me. I was living in Boston for a year in my old town, and apparently Katie's mom lived across the street. And I said to my sister, how do you know that? She said, well, because Katie came to a Mommy and me class that I was in with her daughter. And I was like, oh my God, did you tell her she ruined my life? And my sister's like, no, she still has crazy eyes. And I was like, oh, what about her kids? My sister's like, yeah, they have crazy eyes too. So I started to panic because I was like, oh my God, like, what am I gonna do when I run, if I run into her, you know what I mean? Like, she's probably gonna be like, hi, Julia. And then set my house on fire, you know? So I was just like looking over my back the whole time. Just so paranoid to live in my own home. And then I thought even more. So what if I, like, what if I go crazy? You know what I mean? Like, I haven't seen her in years. Like, maybe I'll set her on fire and her kids on fire, you know what I mean? Like, I don't. I'm not. Well, maybe. I don't know, you guys. I was really mad.
- [24:42]
Kevin Allison
And.
- [24:44]
Ryan Reynolds
And then I told. I told my parents, I was like, do you know that this girl's mother in law was across the street? And even like my parents, my mom even looked scared because my mom and my dad watched this girl destroy their daughter. They hated her. And one time I was on the phone with Katie and we were arguing and I was saying, please, Katie, stop being mean to me. So pathetic. And my dad was listening in on the other line. And I guess, like, to hear your daughter beg somebody to stop being mean to you is probably the most heartbreaking thing that you can hear. So my dad interjected with a lot of sweetness and goes, get off the fucking phone. And I hung up. And then he came into my room and was like, I don't want you to let anyone talk to you disrespectfully, okay? You hear me, stupid? I was like, yes, yes, loud and clear, daddy, thank you. And they hated her. And I hated her. I mean, I hated her, but I didn't know how to get away from her. We had best friend necklaces. And so I felt like that was like a commitment I had made or something. Somehow she got the best Half. Which always pissed me off because I didn't really feel like she earned it. This was the best friend who, you know, locked me outside in the rain on multiple times out of her house. This was the best friend that told everyone an art club that I was a lesbo. Which, honestly, art class is the best place to tell people you're a lesbian. I'm not even a lesbian, but I'm just saying, if you're gonna tell anyone, a bunch of art students will be forgiving, so. And this is the best friend who almost killed me. It was ninth grade, and we went to Walden Pond, and I can't swim. I don't know if there's any other Italians here, but I've come to learn that a lot of Italians can't swim. I can doggy paddle, and I'm the best swimmer in my family. So Katie was, of course, a star swimmer because she was a star in everything. And she took my hands and she very sincerely said, julia, you're my best friend. I want you to know how to swim. Listen, this is what we're going to do. We're going to swim to the middle of the pond, okay? And you're going to try your hardest. And if you can't go any further, let me know and I'll swim you back. I love you. And I was like, like, oh, my God. Like, Katie is having this beautiful moment with me, and, I mean, she wouldn't. She'll take care of me. So I swam out with her, and I get to the middle, and I did a pretty good doggy pad. You can only doggy paddle versus. And I was like. And then I got to the middle, I was like. And, like, water starts going down my throat. I'm like, okay. And she goes, oh, tough shit, baby. And swam away, you guys. She swam. Obviously, I didn't die, but, like, she swam away. And I remember I was drowning, and I was thinking, well, like, I understand that. Walden Pond, Henry David Thoreau, he speaks of solitude. I don't want to die alone in the middle of Walden Pond.
- [27:45]
Kevin Allison
And then I was like, well, maybe.
- [27:45]
Ryan Reynolds
It wouldn't be so bad, because now I will die and I won't have to be friends with Katie anymore. Maybe people would come to my gravesend and be like, oh, poor Julia. That girl really ruined her. So then, as I'm kind of coming to peace with my death, I feel this arm, like, jerk me up out of the water, and she's like, ugh, I'll swim you back, you fucking baby. And then she Swims me back violently. You would think we would have broken up after that. Nope. Totally stayed friends for three more years. So finally, junior year, my junior prom rolls around, and I have an epiphany. At that time, Katie had started dating a guy who transferred into our school, and he was a drug addict. And so Katie became a cokehead, which was great because she didn't really have time to be my friend anymore. But the shitty thing was, was that at least when we were, like, bully best friends, there was the sweetness. After now, she was just mean. Like, if I ran into her in the hallway, she just would stare me down, like she was plotting to murder me again. And so, because she wasn't on me as much, I sort of had this, you know, hope that maybe I could have some time in high school on my own to enjoy myself. So I was hoping that maybe prom would be it. Maybe my junior prom would be the moment that I've been waiting for. Except it was three weeks before prom, and I didn't have a date yet. And I actually had never had a date because Katie made me feel like the ugliest thing in the world. Anytime I heard a rumor that somebody liked me, I'd be like, oh, my God, I heard that Billy might like me. She'd be like, oh, Julia. Oh. Oh, don't make a fool of yourself. You really think Billie would like you? And I'm like, no, probably not, because I hate myself. And so. But I had hope with the prom. I was feeling like Katie was, like, really coked up all the time. So I was like, she will just, like, let me slide and enjoy myself. And I bought a dress at Jessica McClintock on Sunday. And I even reserved two spots in my friend's limo, like, just in case. And I was getting really upset because all the junior boys were asking freshman girls to be their dates to the prom because, quote, unquote, freshman girls are easy. And I was like, hey, I could be easy, too. Just give me the chance. So I decided what I needed to do in order to get a date was probably get rid of more body hair and stuff. So I decided to buy a depilatory kit to get rid of my mustache. Now, for anyone here who doesn't know what depilatory is, it's like a chemical cream that you're supposed to gently pat into your skin and then gently pat away to remove hair. I didn't read the directions, so I just rubbed it on my face, rubbed it off full force, and then a mountain of sores. Like, immediate. Like, I didn't have a mustache anymore, but I did have a disease. It was just, like, all cussing. So I went from a girl who maybe might not have a prom date to a girl who will never have a date in her life again. I was hysterical. I ran and told my mom I was crying. My mom comforted me by buying me a pizza. Ate the whole thing in front of the TV while watching Family Matters. And. And then my dad comforted me again, very sweetly, by saying, I don't understand. If you don't have a date, why do you have to shave your face in the first place? And I was like, okay, thank you. And they let me stay home from school for a few days. And then eventually they made me go. Cause they didn't want me to ruin my C average. And the first person I saw when I walked into school was Katie, of course. And she was like, ew, Julia has herpes. And I was like, oh, my God, I wish I had herpes. That would mean I have a boyfriend. And then the prom came, and I didn't go. I didn't have a date, and I was really upset. And then my sister, who was at UMass Amherst at the time, at the time, which was known as the number five party school in the country, suggested I go visit her. My parents in the past never let me go visit her alone. And they felt so bad for me in my face that they let me go. So I got there, my face was somewhat healed, and my sister was throwing an 80s party. And so I got, like, all dressed up in 80s gear, and her friends put makeup on my face, and they bought me a Mad Dog 40. And I drank that. And the lights were dim so no one could really see what I had done to myself. And she's having this party, and I remember I looked over at my sister, and my sister had been bullied in high school too. She had a bully best friend. And I looked over at her, and she was upset, upside down, over a keg with all these guys going, chug, chug, chug, chug. And she was like. She had big breasts, and she just looked so happy, you know? And I was like, wow, if she can go through similar things that I went through and now be this, like, hot slut in college alcoholic, maybe there's hope for me. And there. There was a Kai at the party that I thought was cute. And I told my sister and her friends, and they were like, oh, my God, you should totally, like, try to make out with her. I was like, oh, my God, I can't believe. What if he. And like it was so weird to have like girls be like, no, he might like you. And I was like, what? And so he went out to use the bathroom to pee outside and I, being very skilled, followed him. And then when he was done shaking the urine off his dick, I just grabbed him and made out with him. And it was great because it was dark so he could couldn't see the thing, the thing on my face and I was like, oh my God. I mean I'm with a college guy. And when I got back to high school, Katie was gone. She had dropped out to go to cosmetology school and I guess be a cokehead. And I got to enjoy my senior year without her and I never ran into her when her mother in law lived across the street from me. And honestly, if I had, I don't even think I would have done anything violent or horrible because it's not really my nature, even though she's a monster, but I would have not done it. And I don't even know if I would have said anything because instead I will say it to you guys because this is my version of calling the operator. Thank you.
- [34:01]
Julia Rossi
We'll be right back.
- [34:03]
Ryan Reynolds
When you hear Lululemon, you probably think of aligned yoga pants, weightlessly soft like you're wearing next nothing. That's why you see them in class, at the grocery store and in the park. But did you know about skirts with built in liner shorts so you can still jump for the Frisbee and tanks and bodysuits? With Align's iconic stretch you won't want.
- [34:25]
Julia Rossi
To take it off.
- [34:26]
Ryan Reynolds
And with endless style options, you don't have to shop in store or online@lululemon.com.
- [34:31]
Julia Rossi
Shop 4th of July Savings at the Home Depot right now and get up to 40% off plus up to an extra $600 off select appliances with free deliver like Samsung. From all in one washer dryers to smart refrigerators. Upgrade to tech you can trust with Samsung appliances. The Home Depot has what you need to simplify your routine. Don't miss 4th of July appliance savings at the Home Depot. Free delivery on appliance purchases of $396 or more offer valid June 18 through July 9 US only. See store online for details. Go further with the American Express Business Gold Card. Earn 3 times Membership Rewards points on flights and prepaid hotels when you book through amextravel.com whether your destination is a business conference or a client meeting, your purchases will help you earn More points for future trips. Experience more on your travels with AMEX Business Gold terms apply. Learn more@americanexpress.com Business Gold AmEx Business Gold card built for business by American Express. We're back. I was listening backstage to Julia tell that story, and something occurred to me. I've never told this before, so this is very. This is the danger zone. She started off by saying that she shaves her toes. Well, I was married from the time that I was 31 to 41. I was in a vanilla marriage sort of relationship with a guy. And, you know, in the last several years, he seemed a lot less sexually interested in me. And our sex life kind of started to die away. And I didn't realize yet that I'm a kinkster. That part of me had not yet wakened up. I was not aware of the whole kinky realm. And I had also started really letting myself go, you know, like you sometimes do in a marriage, like, let my weight go. I know when I was in my 20s, I used to shave everything, right? And I used to. For the sensitive, hard to reach areas. I used to use this product called not Nair, because that gave me a rash. This stuff called nad, which is the worst name for a product ever. The only thing it can possibly bring to mind is gonads. And that doesn't even turn me on. That's like a scientific way. Like, that's like testicles of frogs, right? But anyway, it used to work. But then when the marriage broke up, all of a sudden, I was like, oh, my God, now I'm fat and hairy, and no one's ever gonna like me. I better, you know, start getting my act together. But NADS did not exist. I couldn't find it anywhere anymore. So it's like, Look, Kevin, you're 41. It's time to become an adult and become professional and get that asshole waxed. So I went to a spa, and it's this enormous Russian lady who just seemed just like anger was her whole personality.
- [37:54]
Kevin Allison
And now.
- [37:56]
Julia Rossi
Now I understand what masochism is. I understand that I'm a kinky person and that I'm kind of turned on by things like pain and humiliation. At the time, I did not know these things. So she tells me to take off all my clothes. I take off all my clothes, and then she throws me up on a thing and puts my legs over my head like a baby changing the diaper. And I was like, this is so humiliating. It's kind of a turn on. Then all of a sudden, I feel this searing Hot pain right on my anus. And I'm like, holy shit, this is kind of. And not just the temperature. And then she takes a look at me. She sees that I'm kind of reacting both in the face and downstairs. And she creeps over, looks into my face, and she says, what would your mother think? Which was the hottest part of all.
- [39:01]
Kevin Allison
The.
- [39:03]
Julia Rossi
Now I understand. And by the way, I now also. Now that I'm a kinkster, I also understand there are way too many people who like their men fat and hairy. No more nads or visits to the spa for me. All right, our next storyteller. We are so thrilled to have made our acquaintance. She has been a rising star here at First Person Arts. She's a short story writer. You can find some of her work online. Please welcome to the stage miss Nemesha Ladba.
- [39:51]
Kevin Allison
A question. How many people belong to a family? Okay, good, good. Lots of you. Some of you just fell from heaven. So you know that belonging to a family can be nerve wracking. Mostly because families bring together people who shouldn't be together at the same place at the same time. Now I belong to an Indian immigrant. We didn't come straight from India to America. My family, over the generations, we moved from India to East Africa where I was born, then to England where I got my accent, and then to America where, you know, I'm here. And that means that I grew up with a version of Indian culture that is a hundred years old, very conservative, very old fashioned. And one of the things I grew up hearing was Nimisha mer bani tugar ni izzat rakce. I don't know if there are any Gujarati speakers out there, but what the. I'll translate just in case there aren't. Nimisha, above all else, remember to keep your family's honor. Well, when my family came to America, they saw that many of the Indians here were professionals. And neither of my parents went to college. So to sort of maintain the family izzat and also to belong, it became very important to my parents that their children, me and my brothers, that we needed to study well and marry well. And this was actually code for become a doctor or marry a doctor. Now my chances of becoming a doctor were unfortunately quite slim because I am a world class fainter. I see one drop of blood and I can drop 90 degrees. So that was likely not going to happen. So it became very important that I find a nice Indian doctor to marry. Which leads me to another question. Has anyone ever been treated by an Indian Doctor in the room. Anyone? Anyone know of anyone who's been treated by an Indian doctor? So it should be everyone. So. Right. So there are a lot of Indian doctors out there. I only needed one. I couldn't find one. I didn't. So you can imagine my parents disappointment when I announced to them I wanted to marry a nice Jewish boy from Chicago named David. And just in case you can't imagine my parents reaction, I thought I'd bring it in for you a little bit. So my dad was actually very calm and collected for the most part, except for one very bad day. We were driving, we were on a mountainside and we were actually in the middle of nowhere. And he grabs the wheel. I grab it back because it's dangerous. He grabs it, he says, nimisha, pull over. I didn't pull over because it was scary. Leave me on the side of the road to die. I just want you to know I did not leave my dad on the side of the road to die. My mom, her reaction was long term, piecemeal and delivered in doses on my voicemail. Hi, it's Nimisha. Leave a message. Bye. Beep.
- [44:12]
Ryan Reynolds
Beep.
- [44:15]
Kevin Allison
That was it. Like no words necessary. Now I should say David heard one of these messages and he said, nemesha, you're not doing this to her. That's just a reaction. She could have a different reaction. Now the dutiful Indian immigrant daughter in me heard that and I thought that's the dumb. Because you know, when you're a child of immigrants, when your parents are upset, it is absolutely your fault and your responsibility to fix it. But the adult in me was thinking, well, I wonder, like maybe they could have a different reaction. Like that would be weird. That would be different. Things were bad, everyone was upset, no one was happy. And people would say, nemesha, are you sure you want to go through with this? It doesn't seem like it's going so well for like anyone. You look like hell, you know, I mean. And it was a good question. And I have to say I was as surprised as everyone else by this whole thing. David certainly didn't look like the person I was going to marry. So if my parents, they would have been happy with like a double MD, PhD with one of those like Indian mustache. Let me show you. Like that, like that would have been so hot for my parents. I was thinking, I don't know, I was thinking like a dot com mogul, like a yoga practice on the side. Shahrukh Khan look alike. Like that would be good. I could get into that. Didn't happen. I met David on the job. He was wearing these gold trimmed glasses from eighth grade. And it's not like this is a sick cougar story, like he was in eighth grade. No, he's like in his 30s and he's wearing these gold glasses and he also has a red jacket. Like, who in their 30s wears a red jacket? But I'm thinking, you know, he's from the Midwest and maybe his mom, you know, put him in red jackets. Like, I'm thinking like there are lots of dangerous combine harvester, like corn processing machines. You wear red jackets for safety. And he just never got over it. But there was evidence along the way that he was indeed the right choice for me. And I'll give an example very, very early on. He made me tea. He knew I was from England and he knew I liked tea. And he called the Whole Foods and he had them order Devonshire cream. He picked up fresh scones from the bakery and he had a particular brand of tea which I'm looking at, like tea. Why are you looking at that tea? I'm looking at the tea. Like, why did you get this tea? Do you know what he said? I know that's your favorite. I hadn't told him that. He had simply paid enough attention to know. And no one had ever paid that much attention to figure out what I liked and what would make me happy. But he did. So to his credit, he was right. My parents do start to have a different reaction to David. We get to the point where we're actually going to have a nice Indian wedding. And Indian weddings can be fancy and they can be long. So just for an example, a fancy one, My brother got married. He got married two months before I did. He arrived to the wedding site riding a white horse. Now, we thought we should make use of what we had on hand. We thought that for our budget, it would be nice if David would simply arrive on his white feet, which was great and it was cheap. And you know, they can take a long time. Ours is going to last two days. The first day is set aside. The groom's family does their thing, the bride's family does her thing. And the two aren't really supposed to be, but my parents thought, David's marrying into this Indian culture. He said, come on, come on. Come enjoy 5000 yards of Indian culture. Come on. So David comes, he's by himself. He comes and we're having these ceremonies and he participates. And along the way, my mom says she's making something for David. She's making something. I don't come from a craft making family, like in my family growing up, craft meant here's a pile of your dad's shirts, put buttons on them, like that was craft. So she's making something and I feel like my nerves are relaxing that this is good. And what she's making for him is a loon. And a loon is like a small brass vessel. You put beads in it, you cover it with cloth and you decorate the cloth. And it is used as what's used as a massage object. Which sounds crazy and bad, but it's actually just the groom spends so much time in the wedding sitting on a small platform reciting Sanskrit shlokas that like a little cousin sits behind him with this loon, shakes it, makes a nice jingly sound and like rubs it down his back. It's like something made for the groom's comfort. So at some point, you know, over the day, saying, you know, and since I know there are no Gujarati speakers or translators out there, she's asking for red powder. And someone goes and gives her red powder. And it's very nice. She finally announces she's done. And everyone goes quiet. She comes up, she hands David the lawn. And I look at it and that is when I go into a cone of doom. And all I remember from this moment forward is, is sweat and fear. Because I am not kidding. What my mother has spent the morning putting on the lawn for decoration for her Jewish son in law to be is a swastika. A swastika. The room falls silent. It is like someone has died. No one says anything. Finally, my mother, David, you're not liking my dad. Sensing that mother, my mother's feelings might be hurt, steps in. David, do you understand? In the Indian culture, swastika is a very good thing. Means home, means good luck, good Indian weddings, always having swastika is a good thing. Well, this is not convincing. It's still quiet. David says nothing. I am still in my cone of doom, sweating and afraid. At this point I'm like, I'm not even going to marry an Indian podiatrist. My life is over. There's like nothing I can do. My uncle, sensing that the ship is sinking, he steps in. Now he is an engineer by training. He collects swag from like technical conferences. He has a collection of like plastic visors. But now suddenly, he's like a cultural anthropologist. Apologies. He steps in. Hey, Mr. David, you know Native Americans, they are having swastika for decoration. Very beautiful decoration. You can find swastika in art all over the world. Very beautiful. Still nothing. David says, nothing. I can't take it. My mom. David, are you worrying about those Nazis? They're very bad people. Well, that's good. I was glad we agreed that the Nazis were bad people. You know, they are stealing the swastika from Indians. They're stealing it. Finally, David says one word. He says, mom.
- [53:19]
Julia Rossi
Mom.
- [53:20]
Kevin Allison
He has never addressed my mother as mom before that moment, and it changes everything. I get it. David gets it. My family gets it. Suddenly, we come together, committed to having a swastika free wedding. David says, mom, you know we can't have swastikas at this wedding. Okay? My dad checks the invitations. There's no swastikas there. We start checking their saris. There, no swastikas. We check my mandi. Okay? We are swastika free. The next day, we do indeed. To honor David's family and protect the Izeth of his family, we have a swastika free wedding. And it's great. And we have been married for 10 years. And when I think back to that moment, that one moment when David said, mom, I'll tell you what I got. We weren't just an immigrant family. We didn't just belong to a Jewish family. We didn't just belong to an Indian family. In that moment, we belonged to. To an American family. This is all there is. Don't wait me for the fight.
- [55:38]
Ryan Reynolds
I'd.
- [55:39]
Julia Rossi
Rather be alone asleep not worry for.
- [55:42]
Kevin Allison
A break tonight.
- [55:46]
Ryan Reynolds
Don'T be a ghost.
- [55:48]
Julia Rossi
Don'T worry for the lights There cannot.
- [55:53]
Ryan Reynolds
Be a lies that keeps you from.
- [55:55]
Kevin Allison
Me.
- [56:13]
Julia Rossi
That'S it for this week, folks. This is Air Review behind me now with a song called Young and we will be back next week with the second half of that show we did in Philly at the free library there. Get on back here next week for the second half of this Live from Philly show. And remember, folks, today's the day. Take a risk.
- [57:01]
Kevin Allison
Sam, let me stop.
- [57:58]
Julia Rossi
Sam.