Donnie (4:29)
I'm sitting at this bar in the beautiful moonlit sky in Rio de Janeiro, Copacabana Beach, Brazil. I look up and I see this huge Christ statue that's, like, looking out over the entire city as if it's, like, forgiving all the people for being so damn sexy all at once. I look down and I see all these beautiful people just wandering around. And I'm thinking to myself, this is where I belong. But I'm pretty tipsy, and I need to go home. So I call over the waiter and I say, garzon, you know, waiter, bring me the check. But the person sitting directly across from me, Marcy, my Portuguese instructor, stops me and she says, donnie, Donnie, Donnie, wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on, one more. I was like, well, she's my Portuguese instructor. Go ahead, bring one more drink, right? So they go back and he brings me another drink. We hang out, we're eating French fries, we're talking. But now I'm really tipsy. And the garcon, the waiter, knows. He's like, oh, this girl definitely is not from here. Because unlike everyone else who can handle the liquor after about five, six drinks, I definitely cannot. And so I was like, okay, yeah, yeah, I'm ready to go. I'm ready to go. And Marcy says, wait, wait, Donnie, Donnie. A sideida. And I'm thinking to myself, this is my first week in Portuguese in Brazil. I'm learning this Portuguese. I don't know what this word is. Saidera. Is that the. Is that the tip? No, that's not the tip. Is that the bathroom? I was like, marcy, what is the saidera? She's like, it's the wording for the drinkie after your last drinkie. And I was like, there is a word in Portuguese for the drink after the last drink. This Place is out of control, but I love it. And this is was going to be my year. Marci was my Brazilian Portuguese instructor. She had this really like, really sun kissed skin with these freckles and you know, she chain smoked like a pack of cigarettes a day. It was like as if the guy from the Dos Equis commercial had like a younger sister. That would be Marcy. And every single day we would converse, we would chat. And in exchange for these awesome Portuguese classes, all I had to do was to go around and to give speeches to people about what it meant to be an American. And so I was like, oh, I am going to love this job. And so there I am in Brazil. But when I go to give these speeches to different people, it's really kind of difficult because they ask really hard questions. So I'm at this one event and somebody stands up, they say, donnie, Donnie, why Bushy is your presidentshi? I said, I don't know why Bush is our president. I didn't vote for that fool, you know, come on now, be like, well, Donnie, Donnie, why Bushy want to wage war? I don't know why Bush wants to wage war. Because of the oil. I don't know, because he can, you know. And they're like, well, but majority people voted for Bushy. I said, well, no, actually the majority of people did not vote for Bush. But I don't know how to explain that in Portuguese, so I'm not gonna even try it. You know, don't even bother. But you guys, you guys have it right. This is Brazil. I mean, look at this. You guys have a progressive president. You have world class soccer and samba and sexies. My favorite three S's. You know, you guys got this right. I want to become more and more Brazilian. And the more that I thought about it, I really didn't want to have this identity because America to me was everything that was wrong at the time. We were at war and there was corruption and I just didn't feel it. So I wanted to be Brazilian. And so I said to myself, okay, this is the way I'm going to do it. I'm going to learn the ways of being Brazilian through Marcy, my instructor. And so she agreed to it. So it was awesome. Because unlike anything I'd ever done at ucla, this was very informal. I mean, it was her job to get me drunk so I could speak better Portuguese. Not a bad scenario. But then when we wanted to learn about different fruits, she would take me to the grocery store, she'd say, okay, this pineapple Abakashi. And I repeat, okay, Abakashi. This fish. Pesci. I was like, okay, cool. Peshi. Got it. And that's how I learned the language. And when I needed to learn how to get around, she's like, okay, we're going to go in the car, and when we get to the stop sign, you don't stop, okay? I said, what? She's like, no, just flash the lights, give a little beep of the horn, and keep on going or else you're going to get carjacked. I was like, what? So I learned how to drive in the streets of Rio. And then in order to learn how to cuss, she took me to a soccer game, of course. Puts me in a big red jersey. And when the other team scores, she's like, okay, this is what you're going to do. I'm going to yell out. I was like, what does that mean? She's like, it means taking up the ass. And I was like, okay, cool. I don't want to go. She's like, no, no, no, Don. No, no, no, no, no. Say, vaido mano coup. And I was like, okay. Vaido mano coup. She's like, yes, like a true Brazilian. I was like, yeah. And I was getting it, I was feeling it. I was like, I like being Brazilian. This is hot. This is sexy, you know? But then I go to a Brazilian bikini store and I try on a bikini and look at myself in the mirror, and I'm like, okay, well, I'm not that Brazilian yet. But, you know, I'm working on it. I'm working on my swag, I'm working on my language and all this type of stuff. So we're having a great time. And a couple of months into it, we go out to this party about an hour outside of rio, and it's 2 o' clock in the morning when we're coming home dead, dead tired. And as our taxi comes into the city, there's a police security point. And so we pull off on the side of the road and the police come over to the car and they start asking, where are you guys coming from? Marcy answers, oh, we're just coming from a party outside of town, just having a good time, just trying to get back home. And they say, okay, well, do you have anything illegal in the car? And she says, no, we don't have anything illegal, and that's stupid. And the police say, okay, well, would you mind coming out of the taxi? And I turned to her and I was like, what is going on? She's like, don't worry about it. Just come on out. Just get out of the taxi. I say, okay. So we got out of the taxi. Police walk over, and they start opening everything. They start looking under the hood. They start looking under the wheels, opening the glove compartment. I was like, what are they doing? She's like, don't worry about it. Just let it go. And then they come over to me, and they're like, can we see your bag, please? I don't know what's going on. So I was like, okay, I guess. Sure. So I give them my purse, and they start going through all the little compartments of my purse, and I start sweating, and I'm like, what are they doing? What are they looking for? And they pull out this little gift bag that I had gotten from the party. And they walk over to Marcy, and they say, so, what is this? Marcy looks at me and she's like, I don't know. What is it? And I reply, I'm sorry. I was at the party, and, you know, I was hanging out with those guys. Got a little gift bag, and a little gift bag has a little tiny bit of weed in it. And she says, what? I was like, I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm from San Francisco, you know, Is this cool here? She's like, no, it's not cool here. Like, okay, my bad, My bad. What are we gonna do? So she starts talking to them, and she wants to try and just get us out of this situation. She's explaining, oh, I'm sor. This is a foreign exchange student. She's here as an ambassador of goodwill. And even though I was only 22 years old, the ambassador title made me feel pretty damn good and important. But the police decide to take this as a sign that, oh, she's American. Nice, interesting. So they come over to me and they ask, so, is this your weed? And I say, no, I'm sorry, it's not. I was taking it from the party to some other people in Rio. My bad, you know? And then I say, okay. They walk back over to Marcy, and all I hear is, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. I was like, what is going on? Marcy comes back over to me, and she's like, what are you telling them? I was like, I don't know. I told them it wasn't mine. I told them. I was like, you know, somebody else's in the city. She said, well, now they think, que voce e un traffee can she that you are a drug trafficker? And I was like, what do you mean? I'm not no drug trafficker. She's like, well, that's what people do if they're taking drugs from one place to another. I was like, oh, my God. Are you freaking kidding me? No, no, look, look, can you please talk to them? Just get us out of the situation. This is not good. And so she starts talking, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, back and forth and back and forth. And they come back over to me and they are going to want some money. I have been in Brazil now at this point for about seven months, living off of rice and beans and basically nothing. So I could stay for as long as I possibly can because I'm still trying. Brazilian, right? But I have no money, and I've severed all my ties with all my American friends because I wasn't in Brazil to learn English. I was in Brazil to learn Portuguese, and so I don't have any friends. And she's like, well, you need to make some friends right now, because if you ain't got no money, you're not getting home. So I call up one friend who I had met on a study abroad program, and I was like, go to Lauren's house. Maybe she'll be able to help you. It's three o' clock in the morning, but we'll see. And so she jumps in the taxi and she leaves to go to Rio. And I'm sitting there hostage by the Brazilian police on the side of the road, waiting for my Brazilian Portuguese teacher to come back for money for the police so I can be let free. I'm like, oh, crap, how do I get myself in this situation? And so I'm just pacing back and forth on the side of the road, pacing and pacing and pacing. And I'm like, looking at these police officers, and they're not much older than me, but they're carrying these AK47s. I don't know where the hell I'm at. This is not a good situation at 4:00 in the morning. And now it's 5:00 in the morning, and I don't know if Marcy's coming back for me. And so the police come over to me and they're like, look, we're gonna have to take you to another spot because, you know, this is taking a long time. And I said, wait, wait, wait. No, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on a second. You told my friends we're gonna meet them at this spot? You told me that you would not leave. You promised. You promised me, like, do not leave. Do not take me from this place. They said no, look, we've spoken to the taxi driver and your friend. They're meeting us at this other location. And I'm like, okay, I guess I have no other choice, right? So I sit in the back of the police car with these huge AK47s and these six police officers. We drive somewhere and then they stop and I get back out of the car and I'm pacing. It's five o' clock in the morning and finally I'm thinking to myself, you know what? I can't even get any type of reality stardom out of this because, you know, Locked Up Abroad is not on the air yet. This is like a lose lose situation if they do not come back for me. Okay, finally, at six o' clock in the morning, Marcy comes back. She walks over to one of the officers, she gives him the cash. I look over, they give me a nod and I go back to the taxi where Marcy and I had originally been four hours earlier on our way back into the city. And I'm mad and I'm like, I'm so aggravated. And she looks at me, she's like, what's the matter? I was like, what the hell was that? Like, how can the police just go, can they just go through my stuff like that? And she looks at me and she's like, yeah, they can just go through your stuff like that. And I said, but why? I mean, why can they do that? They have that right. At least in the States I would have some type of probable cause, you know, some type of rights. They can just do that. And she's like, yes, they can just do that. And I turned and I was like, police Vito Manoku. She was like, very good, very good, you're learning the language. And I was so mad I didn't know what was going on. Because from the time I had gotten there, I had been pro American and then I was pro Brazilian. But as we drove back into the city and as I finally calmed down from such a crazy and adventurous night, one thing that I knew for sure was that I was happy and grateful for my freedom. Thanks.
