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- [00:00]
Kevin Allison
Hey folks, this is Kevin. On this week's episode of Risk, you'll.
- [00:04]
Michelle Murphy
Hear Michelle Murphy I don't remember the last time I saw anyone look so ashamed. And again, I'm a recovering Catholic, so that is a very powerful statement.
- [00:15]
Kevin Allison
That and more. But first, are you an American who moved to another country, or an American in the process of moving to another country, or an American just starting to consider possibly moving to another country? Pitch us your stories. Or heck, you can also just shoot me an email@kevinriskow.com even if you can't think of a story per se. As you know, I'm fascinated to hear from people who are doing that. If you do have story pitches, all you need to know is at risk-show.com submissions we'll be right back.
- [00:57]
Michelle Murphy
Meghan Trainor Laundry Retrainer Meghan Trainor, you're tossing out my gunky laundry detergent bottle.
- [01:05]
Mikayla Murphy
Ooey.
- [01:06]
Unnamed Speaker
It's got that booty, that juicy boom.
- [01:09]
Mikayla Murphy
Boom that gum glide alive Arm and.
- [01:14]
Michelle Murphy
Hammer power sheets toss like this Cause.
- [01:17]
Unnamed Speaker
I toss like this I wash like.
- [01:19]
Mikayla Murphy
This It's a no mess Lingerie glitz.
- [01:23]
Unnamed Speaker
Arm and hammer power sheets More power to you.
- [01:27]
Unnamed Sponsor
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- [01:57]
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- [02:26]
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- [02:57]
Kevin Allison
Now, here's the. Hello, folks. This is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and this is Dropkick. Murphy's behind me now because we're calling this week's episode Murphy's Law. Storytellers songs and singers named Murphy. In a little bit, we're gonna hear from Michelle Murphy. But before that, we figured we'd go with someone named Murphy, namely Mikayla Murphy. So here's Mikayla Murphy now with a story, namely I Spy.
- [04:18]
Mikayla Murphy
I'm a style of peg. And I lost my leg Climbing up the top cel. I lost my leg.
- [04:36]
Unnamed Speaker
Oh, wow. Thank you. Oh, my God, it's making me want to cry to see live people sitting out here. Hi, I'm Micaela. I grew up in Providence, Rhode Island. Thank you. And from my entire childhood, my family never lived, always lived within 50 miles within the core of our universe. The Kennedys. They were Irish, we were Irish. They were Catholic, we were Catholic. They were kind of like family, and we were kind of like the relatives that they never got to see. But we know, you know, they're busy. And so anything that was. Anything that was happening to them was also happening to us. So their tragedy, plus our own tragedy was a lot. And so this one Thanksgiving, after dinner and a family fight at grandma's house, we were driving home and the radio was playing an anniversary of the JFK assassination. And I was listening to it in the backseat, and I started to cry. And my sister Erin leaned into the front seat and she said, dad, Michaela's crying. And my father pulled that car right over to the shoulder of I95. He stopped, he turned around, and he looked at us, and he said, with tears in his own eyes, don't you ever be ashamed to cry for that man. So my parents got married in St. Mary's Church in Newport, Rhode island, the same exact church as Jack and Jackie. And my father gave my mother jewelry, replicas of the jewelry that Jack gave to Jackie. And every Sunday night after Mass, you could find my family happily ever aftering in the living room to the original soundtrack of Camelot. And during the 70s, my four aunts would take my two cousins and I on their dream vacation, a rented beach house in Hyannis Port on the very cove, sharing beachfront with the Kennedy compound. Every day for an entire week, my Aunt Pat would roll up her sister's hair, and my aunts would apply sunscreen to the backs of their neck and the backs of their hands and the top of their feet and they drag their beach chairs down to the beach and they'd set them up perfectly, not facing the water, not into the sun for tanning, but perfectly for spying on the Kennedys. Every day for a whole week, my aunts would sit there in the broiling hot sun with high powered binoculars and keep constant surveillance. And every year they'd have the same exact conversation. And so usually the first sighting would be made like around 10 o'clock in the morning. They got Rose out walking and then my Aunt Gert would say, ethel looks drawn. And then somebody else would say, how old is Rose anyway? And my Aunt Momo would do the calculation. Well, let's see, Jack died in 63 and her birthday was two weeks ago last Thursday. And Joe died in 69, making her a widow when she was 81. She's 85. And then we'd break for lunch. And so after lobster and drawn butter and they'd hose the kids, they'd all hustle back to their posts for like the afternoon watch. And every now and then they'd see someone that they didn't recognize. Who's that? Who's that? And so my Aunt Maureen, she would draw out the family tree in the sand and they'd analyze it and come up with a profile and they'd crack the code. It's one of Bobby's. Now any mention of Bobby would always bring up like this annual regret of, oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I hope to God they don't tell Rose about Bobby. It'll break her. And then the long afternoon stretch would be broken up with the annual observation by my Aunt Gert. You know, you don't see much around here anymore. And all my aunts would drop their binoculars and look at each other meaningfully and in unison they'd say, jackie. Now all of this meant that none of my aunts were paying any attention to us who were playing in the water. Now, the summer when we were nine years old, we found something. Now had an aunt perhaps in an effort to relieve a cramp and a prying neck, had just like glanced towards the shoreline. She might have noticed us find this like half inflated plastic boat. She might have cried out like an alarm at the lack of oars or life vests. She might have had a conniption fit to watch the three of us shove off and be within five minutes into the violent riptide that brought us out to the open sea and the Nantucket bound ferry. But Anant didn't and we did. And it all happened so fast. Like, we were swept out to sea. You know, it wasn't until we realized that we could make out the specific features of the faces on the ferry that we were really far from shore. We were so far from shore that my four aunts had been reduced to these four hopping dots. And we all looked at each other like, oh, my God. And right then, this huge Atlantic swell crashes over our heads, sinks us and the boat, and our heads come bobbing back up. And when the water clears out of our eyes, out of nowhere appears this powerboat. And inside of the powerboat are David and Michael Kennedy. So David and Michael, they pull us up out of the water, and we are like, oh, my God, we are saved by a power boat. And so they start to take us back to shore, and we're all excited because we didn't die. And then we. Until we see the four hopping dots start to morph back into our four crazed, livid aunts, we are so going to get it. Now, in my family, like, everyone in my family has, like, their own, like, uniquely weird thing that they do when it comes to, like, getting into huge trouble and getting punished. Like, my Aunt Gert, she didn't have any kids. She would get so mad at us that all she could say were our addresses. She'd be like, eileen and Kevin. 275 Hooper street or Michaela Murphy, 180 Asylum Road. Like, honest to God, I grew up on Asylum Road. Like, this telling irony from my childhood. And so my Aunt Pat, she would say these things that would, like, when you think about it, like, they kind of weren't, like, bad things, but the way she'd say them, they were like death threats. Like, yeah, I'm going to take you on vacation. You get on that beach and you lie in that sand now. So this is what's coming. So we're getting closer to the shore, you know, David and Michael Kennedy are vivaciously tan and smiling, and we are, like, sweating and freaking out. So what happens is, like, we pull up to the shore, and my aunts are out of their minds. They're ready to flay us. But when they see the three of us in the same boat as David and Michael Kennedy, it's like they don't have the emotional capacity to handle it. Like, they kind of snap. Like they're enraged, but they're, like, fake smiling, and they're trying to, like, act all normal. And they're looking at us like, you just. And my Aunt Momo, she starts, like, she takes on this, like, to Her a Kennedy esque way of speaking where it's kind of like somewhere between, like, Katharine Hepburn and, like, the Queen of England. And they're, like, profusely thanking David and Michael for saving us. And they're not mad at us anymore for almost drowning. They are now mad at us because the Kennedys had to save us. Don't those people have enough trouble now? You. And so we're just like, oh, my God. So David and Michael, like, pry themselves away from my aunt, and as they're back on the powerboat, like, heading back to the compound, my Aunt Momo's like, please give our best to your grandmother. And now it's time for our for real punishment, which was that for the rest of vacation, we had to stay on the beach because we don't have any respect for the water. So it's like 100 degrees out. And after a half hour of, like, whining and crying and emptying out all the Coppertone and kicking up sand, we break my Aunt Pat's last nerve. And she's like, all right, you want to go in the water? Go in the water now, but only up to your knees. So we're psyched until we realize, like, how boring up to your knees is. And then we get this great plan that we'll have chicken bites. And so we're trying to have chicken bites, but it's kind of like. It's weird because there's only three of us. But, you know, we're doing the best we can. Like, the whole goal is just to get, like, fully immersed in the water. When my Uncle Al, who never, ever played with us, came into the water to play with us. So my cousin Eileen gets on her father's shoulders, and I get on my cousin Kevin's shoulders, and we're like, having actual chicken fights, and we're knocking each other down. And it's like this moment of family fun from my childhood when I accidentally take my foot and I hit the side of my Uncle Al's head really, really hard. And his eyeball pops out of his head and it sinks into the water. His eyeball pops right out of his head. It falls into the water and it sinks. And we are like, like instant lifetime of trauma. And we're like, we didn't know that he had a fake eye. We didn't even know that you could have a fake eye. Why would you need a fake eye? And, like, nobody told us that he had a fake eye because they didn't want us bragging to all the neighborhood kids. So they didn't tell us, so we didn't know. Like, later on there was Columbo and Sandy Duncan, but this is way, way before that, so we had no idea. So we're standing there like, oh, my God, you know, and my cousins are looking at me like, you broke our dad. And my Uncle Al is standing there with, like, the eye open. And you can, like, see the skin and the eyeball gone. And you cannot just say I'm sorry, like, to someone when you just kick their. So I am like, oh, my God. Oh, my. Like, there's still a part of me right this minute on that beach screaming. So we don't know what to do. It's horrible. And my Aunt Pat is flipping out. Vacation is over. That eyeball costs top dollar. And I had just better hope that they get the deposit back on the beach house, because now they have to buy another top dollar eye. And it's not in the budget. So everybody is freaking out. And my aunts are all crying and wringing hands. And I am just standing there because I am no longer Mikayla. I'm now Murph's girl, the one who kicked Alzai out down the Cape. And so I'm just standing, like, right where it all happened. And I just do the only thing I can think to do. I bend down into the water and I just start sifting through sand and shells. And I'm just like, this is it. This is what I will do for the rest of my life. I will never stop. And someday I will find. And I look down into my hand and looking right back up at me is an eyeball. And I scream and I drop it and it falls back into the water and it sinks and it's like. But now we know it's possible. So everybody now gathers around me in the water and we're all bending over and we're sifting through sands and shells. And I am praying to God for no more future happiness so we can please find this eye. And I'm also praying that I not be the one that find it. And then, like an hour into it, my cousin Kevin holds up his hand closed in triumph, and he does not let go. And then my Uncle Al, he takes the eye he likes, washes it off, and he pops it back in. And then he announces it's working, whatever that means. And here's the weird thing. Now that we know it's a fake eye, you can totally tell it's a fake eye. And I cannot believe that I've never noticed. Uncle Al obviously has a fake eye. So now vacation's back on and so all the beach chairs get reassembled and then the family starts to settle down where they're going to tell the story over and over and over again about what I just did and I have not fully reintegrated back into the family. I'm just standing there and I look up beyond my family and I notice that there's like this crowd of people on the beach gathered around who've been watching this whole thing. And then I notice that within the crowd are David and Michael Kennedy, who apparently took a walk on the beach. And I can tell just by the look on their faces that they have been there and they have watched this entire episode that David and Michael Kennedy had been there watching us. Thank you.
- [17:56]
Unnamed Sponsor
We'll be right back.
- [17:58]
Unnamed Speaker
I can say to my new Samsung.
- [18:00]
Michelle Murphy
Galaxy S25 Ultra, hey, find a keto friendly restaurant nearby and text it to Beth and Steve. And it does without me lifting a finger so I can get in more.
- [18:08]
Unnamed Speaker
Squats anywhere I can.
- [18:10]
Michelle Murphy
1, 2, 3.
- [18:13]
Kevin Allison
Will that be cash or credit?
- [18:15]
Unnamed Speaker
Credit.
- [18:16]
Kevin Allison
4 Galaxy S25 Ultra the AI companion that does the heavy lifting. So you can do you get yours@samsung.com compatible with select apps.
- [18:25]
Michelle Murphy
Requires Google Gemini account.
- [18:26]
Unnamed Speaker
Results may vary based on input.
- [18:27]
Michelle Murphy
Check responses for accuracy.
- [18:29]
Jordan Robinson
I'm Jordan Robinson, host of the new podcast the Women's Hoop Show. Each episode I'll be joined by a rotating group of women's basketball experts to talk wnba, college hoops, the new unrivaled league, and the shifting landscape of the sport. The game is growing and so are we. Listen to and follow Follow the Women's Hoop show and Odysee Podcast. Available now for free on the Odysee app or wherever you get your podcasts.
- [18:59]
Unnamed Sponsor
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- [19:29]
This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You might say all kinds of stuff when things go wrong, but these are the words you really need to remember. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. They've got options to fit your unique insurance needs, meaning you can talk to your agent to choose the coverage you need. Have coverage options to protect the things you value most file a claim right on the State Farm mobile app and even reach a real person when you need to talk to someone like a good neighbor. State Farm is there. We're back.
- [20:08]
Mikayla Murphy
Send me down the line, I'll by myself just like you do. Tap your foot in time so I might find some faith in you. You and your painted man, you and your Ain't she there?
- [20:49]
Kevin Allison
This is Risk. This is Murphy behind me now. And we just heard from Michaela Murphy. Now I know exactly what you're wondering. Do either of them sleep on a bed that folds up against a wall wall or into a closet when not in use? We may never know and neither might Ryan Killian or Eddie. Folks, when this episode is released, there will be a brand new check in on our Patreon from me, sharing how I'm doing, what's going on in my personal life with these plans to move abroad in a few months and how the rest of the team is doing behind the scenes in this especially worrisome time. And folks, I'd be lying if I said I'm not more worried than ever about Risk's financial situation. The further we go into this tumultuous era, I feel like Risk itself is more important than ever in the way that you can hear real people sharing in depth and at length about their real life experiences, including folks from marginalized communities and different walks of life, real lives and real connection here. But our Patreon numbers have dipped in the past few months and so many people are predicting economic upheaval this year that I know our Patreon support is going to be more crucial than it's ever been. So let's pull off a miracle together and keep Risk running through this era like a beacon of hope, showing how much humanity matters. You can become a member or increase your donation amount if you're already a member@patreon.com risk and to make a one time donation that's at PayPal me riskshow. We are so so grateful for your support and folks, we are so excited to announce that we are doing Risk tour dates for the first time in years. These dates could be your last chance to see me host Risk Live on the road because I'm moving abroad this year so I hope you can make it. Risk will be in New York at Caveat on Thursday, March 26, in Atlanta at Aisle 5 on Thursday, May 8 in Washington D.C. at Miracle Theater on Saturday, June 7, in Philadelphia at Fringe Arts on Thursday, June 19 and back in New York on Thursday, June 26. Tickets will go on sale for all of those shows on March 12th, and you can get them at risk-show.com live. And we're taking story pitches for Atlanta, D.C. and Philly now. So if you want to tell a story at any of those shows, go to risk-show.com Submission Missions to send us your story. Well, you'll be relieved to hear that. Up next, we've got ourselves a Murphy. This time, it's one Michelle Murphy with a story we call Condom A Chicago Love Story.
- [24:46]
Michelle Murphy
So it was spring of 2019, and I had been gearing up to propose to my boyfriend, and he lived with me, and he broke up with me over email. And if you're like, did she say they live together? And he dumped her over email. Thank you for your critical listening skills. That is what happened. I received an email with the subject line, hey. And the body of the email was him dumping me. So I was just like a completely broken person. And I'm not the type of person who, when I go through heartache, I can't have one night stands. Like, I can't rebound ever. It's just, like, not there for me as an option. If a man presented himself to, I would just, like, cry on his dick. I'm just so. Takes me like, forever to get over someone. It's just not. This is my process. It's eternal. And so that was, like, not at all on my radar. All I felt was despair. And meanwhile, my friend Izzy, who lived in Chicago, she was a lawyer, and she was having kind of a tough year, too. So she was like, you know what? Why don't you come Visit me for St Patrick's Day in Chicago and we'll just, like, have a time together and it'll be healing. Which was. We had such good intentions, and we really thought it was going to be, like, a sophisticated take on St. Patrick's Day. We were like, we're nearing our 30s. We just want to have, like, a cozy, classy time. So dumb. Our family and friends, everybody was like, what are you talking about? Like, the last time I was in Chicago for St. Patrick's Day, I actually talked my way out of a public urination ticket. And by talked my way out, I mean I just like. Like, I just ran from the police. And I used Notre Dame students to, like, weave through them as shields as I escaped at the Bean. So. But we were like, no, we've grown and we've like, this is like a supportive, like, friend time. And everybody was like, okay, good fucking luck. So I get to Chicago And Chicago for St. Patrick's Day is. It is like one of the penultimate places. There's like Boston, Chicago, in the States. Everybody's Irish on St Patrick's Day. The Irish are like, come join us. But especially in Chicago, like, they dye the river green, which is probably not good for the ecosystem, but they just want to party. So whatever. Everybody wears green. Everybody parties in Chicago on St. Patrick's Day. So we do like a little bit of partying. And I don't. You know, it's a sea of wearing green. I personally do not dress to the occasion of holidays. Not because I, like, think I'm cool and edgy by any means. It's cause I'm, like, continuously scared that I'm gonna be recruited into a cult and that that's what's happening. Like, I'm a recovering Catholic, so I'm like, I will, like, wear green earrings, but, like, I'm not gonna wear the Kiss me I Myra shirts that I wore growing up because I thought it was so cool to be Irish and whatever. So I've got like green pants on or something. But we're still, like, engaging with the world around us. In fact, we go to her boss's house for a house party and we're doing green jello shots. So that's like a muted St. Patrick's Day is like a lawyer doing jello shots with her employer at her home. And then by like 6:00, we're like, you know what? This is our time. We've earned just our mellow little journey together. So we go to this classy Italian bar. Or let me be honest, I think it was just an Italian bar. I have no idea. It was like a restaurant, you know, whatever. And because we're getting older, even though we haven't gotten drunk just by proxy of day drinking, we're already hungover now because that's how it is when you age, you know, like if you have a sip of alcohol before or during 2pm, then you're hungover. You don't even get to like, peak or anything like that. You don't even get a buzz. So we're in that phase. We're having our hangover as we're eating the risotto, we're ordering the Pinot noir. And it just feels, like, sweet. And it's what we thought we deserved, right? And then I see these two guys walk in and I elbow her. I'm like, look alive. And she looks dead. I do too. And that's fine. And they're so hot from their Profile. Their side profile, father. So freaking hot. But then I see more of their face and I'm like, these are boys who have not suffered enough. Like, they look, you know, they just look like fresh and dewy and optimistic. And for reasons I need to explore in therapy, I was not attracted to that. I was like, I can't. You haven't suffered enough. And so that's fine.
- [29:21]
Unnamed Speaker
So.
- [29:21]
Michelle Murphy
So I'm no longer interested in you guys. And so we return to our meal, and then one of them approaches us and he's like, hey, can I ask you a question? Like, what the hell? Why not? He looks at me in the eye and he said, does it hurt? And I said, what? Because that's how it goes, you know, It's a call and an answer. And he's like, does it hurt to bear the weight of a million souls? Because when I look in your eyes and your irises, I can see each and every one of the lives you've lived. And I was like, pull up a chair, you fucking freak. Like, well, I mean, that line didn't work on me, and one liners don't work. But it was so unhinged that I was like, you should join us for our supper now. Like, you're a fucking weirdo. And that's just interesting to talk to you. So he pulls up a chair, as does his friend. We learned that the guy who gave me the line actually has a girlfriend. Classic. That's always the case. But his friend did not. And his friend, honestly, the more they talked to us, the more I was like, shit, he is really hot. Even if he's like, young and dewy eyed, like, he's very sexy. He looked like a combination of, like, Robb Stark from Game of Thrones and then Nathan from One Tree Hill. If I do have any One Tree Hill girlies here, which, honestly, I should. And so we're gonna call him Nathan for legal purposes. So whatever. Nathan is very hot. His friend Frank is very insane, which I thought was fun. And they say they're like 22 or 23, that they live in Detroit. And we're like, having a time talking to them. And my friend and I keep joking. We're like, oh, we're like older women. We could have been your babysitters. And they're like, can you stop? We're trying to hit on you. Can you stop? Like, that's weird. Don't make that joke anymore. And we're like, okay, whatever, but we don't care. So we're like, we're gonna make the joke. And then we all enjoy our dinner, and it's a good time, and we're riffing, and then they ask us if we want to join them for a party. We're like, honestly, what the hell? We've done enough tonight. Let's just. Let's actually just keep going, you know? And so we get in an Uber, and we go to this bar, and we arrive at what is undeniably a college party. And I know this to be the case because a young woman approaches me, and she's like, fuck Northwestern. They think they're better than us. And I was like, yeah, like, fuck college. I left. And she was like, that is so fucking cool. And I was like, no, no. I, like, matriculated. I paid all the money. Now I don't have a job. Honestly, I kind of. I went through the system. It was a mistake. And she was like, I've stopped listening to you. So it was clear where we were. And we actually felt pretty energized by that, even though it was kind of horrifying. And we bought everybody at the bar fireball shots. Because we were like, college kids love fireball shots. Like, that's a fun way to live. Whereas before, I had written Hot Hotty Hot Nathan off for being unweathered by life, something in me. I start to see all these young women hanging off of him because he's hot, right? And there's something in me. This, like, competitive part of me just turned on. And I hadn't been that person in a long time. Cause, like, again, I'm not competitive. After a breakup, I'm just like, I'm gonna die. I'm brokenhearted. Like, I have. You know. But then the youngest child in me was like, I see this thing, and I want this thing. Like, I'm the baby of the family. I see this baby, and I want it. And that's the case. And so I turn to my friend, and I'm like, it's on. And she's like, honestly, I figured. Cause he's really hot. And, like, you're really broken, so I'm gonna go home. And I was like, great. Good call. Thank you so much. Right? So she leaves Nathan. And I. I basically signaled to him. I'm like, I have changed my mind. So the night continues. We have fun. We go to all these bars. I run into some college friends. They're like, who is that? I'm like, don't worry about it. I'm on my journey. And then it's. We're tired, and it's Time. So. So we take a lift back to his Airbnb, and Frank, his friend, has passed out inside the Airbnb. And so we're knocking, we're ringing the doorbell. Frank has the keys, and he is just knocked out. KO'd, as the kids say. Or I think that's what millennials say, because that's what we would say, so whatever. And we're like, shit. And we try to, like, actually scale the building to see if there's a side window we can climb in. It's not working. Instead, we're looking into all these other strangers windows and witnessing their St. Patrick's Day, and it is honestly chaos. We're like, okay, this is not working. And he says, you know, I'm getting us a hotel room. I was like, honestly, that feels a little young male gigolo to me. And he was like, fine, but I have to sleep somewhere regardless. Like, I'm doing this with or without you. I would really like it if you were there. And I was like, okay, sure. So we go to this hotel that is just so hip, it's so bizarre. Like, there's wallpaper all over the place. There's a little robot that zooms up to you and gives you cold brew or beer. I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, in a WeWork at 1:00am I don't know what is going on. And as we checked in, there was this really cute gay receptionist. And I kind of felt like he gave me a head nod of like, you go, girl. Good for you. Maybe I projected it, but I really felt like we bonded because I was with a hot boy. And so we go up to the hotel room and we start hooking up. And then it's like getting to that point, you get it, how those things work. And I was like, do you have a condom? And he was like, no. And I was like, oh, well, yeah, you're gonna need one, man. He was like, okay, that's fair. Yeah, okay, I will go to get one. And I was like, yes, yes, you shall. And best of luck. And so he leaves. And then 20 minutes go by, and I'm like, that's normal. That's how long it takes to complete a task. At minimum, you know, whatever. And then 40 minutes goes by, and I'm like, that's a little bit longer than I would have expected. We are in a cosmopolitan city that surely has struck doors around. And then an hour goes by, and I'm like, it's like Sunk Cost Fallacy, where, because I've been waiting I keep thinking he's about to come in the door. So, like, I'm not turning on the tv. I'm not texting my friend. I'm like, I need to stay ready, you know, like, stay focused. And then two hours goes by and I am terrified. And then I notice he leaves without his cell phone and without his jacket. Now, this is a March evening in Chicago, right? So usually there is snow on the ground in Chicago for St. Patrick's Day. I did not notice that he left without these critical items because I was in a different state of mind. But he does. So I call down to the receptionist, and I'm like, hi, I'm the one who checked in with that guy. I never do this, but I was about to propose to my boyfriend, and he broke up with me over email. And which was, like, totally unnecessary context. Like, I did not need to share that with a receptionist. And also, I used to do this. I used to do when I say, you know, like, I don't know why I was like, I'm this. I'm pious, but, like, this is different. And he was like, honey, that was so long ago. I sent him to the 7 11, and it's just down the street, like, come down here right now. We gotta figure this out. And I'm like, okay. And so I leave the hotel room without my shoes on because I feel so comfortable here now. I've made a home in this hotel and with this receptionist. So I go downstairs, and the receptionist is with all his drag queen friends because they've just come to a performance. So we're all having a kiki around the reception desk, and they're like, tell us about him. And I was like, well, he's a child and he's missing. And, like, I don't know what to do. And so we're all conferring, and I realize it just. It gets so real. I'm like, I have to tell his parents that he was murdered. And I have to be like, I was the last one your son saw. I don't know a lot about your son. I know that he was hot and that I am sorry he is dead. And that is the eulogy that's a wrap for me. And so I'm so fucking anxious. I'm responsible for this kid. And the receptionist and I finally are like, it's time to call the police or Child Protective Services or the police. Honestly, he was 23, so, like, I need to, like, not, you know, it's not like a pizza gate, whatever, you know, Anyways, so We reach to call, and right as we're reaching, the phone rings, and the receptionist picks up, and the sister hotel, which is two miles away, it's like, hello. Is there a tall attract? Everybody knows he's hot. Everybody keeps referencing that he's hot. They're like, not just like, is there a customer? They're like, is there an attractive customer who checked in there who should not be here? But he has wandered in here, and we were like, yes, like, put his fine ass in a car and send him home, honey. And so they're like, okay, we're gonna, like, return him to you. So. Receptionist hangs up. I turn to all the drag queens, and I'm like, scram. Because I know that he's gonna be so embarrassed, right? And they're like, we got it. And so they, like, click off in their heels. Everybody, like, you know, and, oh, my God, he walks in the door, and I don't remember the last time I saw anyone look so ashamed. And again, I'm a recovering Catholic, so that is a very powerful statement. And so his head is literally hanging. Like, he just. He just looks so defeated. And he slowly walks up to us, and he and I hug, and he and the reception receptionist hug, and the receptionist and I hug, and then the three of us hug because, like, we care about each other now. You know, we've gone through this gauntlet, and I, like, want him to get into a good college and pass his SATs and all that. And so we're all just having a moment, and then I'm like, well, he's still really hot, so I'm still pretty game to smash, even though I'm pretty tired. And I've gone through an emotional roller coaster. So we go back up to the room, and we're talking, and then we start leading in. And then he pauses, and he's like, hey, can we. Can we not have sex tonight? And I was like, of course. Them's the rules, you know, like, if you don't want to have sex, then you don't have to have sex. Also, just want to check you're the one who wandered the streets for two hours looking for a condom. How are you? Are you okay? Like, how am I? How are we? And he was like, yeah, that was a mood killer. But also, I think it's just that I've been sleeping with a lot of women lately, and it just feels really intimate to have sex. And I think what I'd rather do is I'd rather date, and I'd really like to date you. And I was like, oh my God. So internally, I didn't say all this out loud, but I was just like, what the fuck? I finally am ready to smash. I'm finally ready to be a rebound girly. Like, this is so difficult. And I'm there and, you know, he's expressing his needs and that's cute for him or whatever. And like, fine. Also, we do not live in the same city. Like, in what world? And he didn't need to give me a platitude to be like, oh, I like you enough to date. You know, he could have just been like, it's been a long night. I think we should leave this hotel. Cause it was already, you know, 3:30 or whatever. So I told him that I was really proud of him for speaking to his desires or whatever. Gen Z, I like it. They're saying what they want. That is cute. And we should have done more of that. And so I was like, I'm glad you're saying that. Where I'm at is that I just want something casual. I was nearly affianced, and then I wasn't. So also, again, babe, neither of us live here in Chicago, so there's that. And he was like, yeah, I understand. I was like, but you know what? Let's just hang out for a little bit longer. I'll hold you or whatever. That'll be fine. And so we keep hanging out and talking, but then we start hooking up and we start making out. And then one thing leads to another. I mean, I guess I'll just, like, level with you. It turns into him eating my ass for two hours.
- [41:42]
Mikayla Murphy
Let's get it started.
- [41:44]
Michelle Murphy
And the most explicit things that anyone has ever done to me is what he did to me in the hotel room. He has me, like, upside down against a window, like, looking out over the streets of Chicago. And I'm just like, what the fuck? Like, the kids today and their idea of intimacy, like, sex was too intimate. But, like, this is not like, I. I don't make it make sense. I do not understand. I am like a happy recipient, I guess. But what is going on? And so that continues. And we still don't do penetrative sex. And I'm like, this is honestly wild. I do not know how I got here. And I'm not reciprocating anything. I'm just like a passenger, honestly. And then it's a wrap. And he's like, please, I want to take you out to breakfast. And I'm like, I think. Think I've had my fail of you. Honestly, not literally as much as I would have liked to, but figuratively. Like, I am done here, but I want the best for you. Whatever. And so we're like, saying our goodbyes, and I go back to my friend's place, and she's like, where the fuck have you been? And I was like. She was like, you went missing. I was like, no, he did, babe. Like, he went missing, not me. Here's the story. And then actually, I had been so worked up and edged by this hot young man that I had to call into work for two days to just, like, masturbate, because, you know. Cause I had just been in my feels since the breakup, and then I was like, oh, my God. Like, sex. That's insane. My libido. But where do I put it? Ah. You know? And so I was grateful to him in some ways for that. But the last thing that he said to me when we parted was, please never tell anyone that this happened. And I just. I feel a little bit bad. But he knew the line of work that I'm in, which is performing. And honestly, I mean, he did a great job edging me, so I think it should be shouted from the rooftops. And so I'm gonna forever be grateful to Nathan and his very, very personalized view of intimacy. Thanks, guys. I'm so glad, you know. I'm so glad, you know.
- [44:10]
Mikayla Murphy
You no more. You see life is like a circle. Everything you do comes back to you. Got it all together, don't you, baby? Murphy's love sure out together Got it all together, don't you, baby? Murph is long sure I to get you know the car you missed the last payment. The finance company.
- [44:54]
Kevin Allison
This is Risk. This is Rosalind Hunt behind me now with a song called Murphy's Law. Just remember that coleslaw is thinly sliced cabbage. We just heard from Michelle Murphy, who is online at michellemurphytalks.com She's a storyteller and comedian based in Los Angeles. Folks, you might have noticed that in the last year or so, Risk has been bringing you new kinds of content. We'd love to hear what you think of it. One thing we've been experimenting with is having storytellers back on the show to listen to stories they told many years ago and reassess how they feel about those stories. Now, recently we reran an episode called Women on Men that first ran in 2012 and it featured a story on it called Fuck or Fight by one of our all time favorite wrist storytellers, Melanie Hamlet. Well, Melanie has been one of those folks whose life has changed profoundly since she left the United States. She's now a prominent author and tiktoker on the subject of feminism in society today. And I just knew that she would have so much new insight into that story from 2012 called Fuck or Fight. So we recorded a super passionate and truly fascinating conversation between the two of us about it. First we both listened to Fuck or Fight Again and then we unpack all of Melanie's new feelings about the woman she was when she told the story and the woman she is now. Melanie also referred often in that conversation to another risk story of hers called My Life in the House of Clowns. So we reran that one yesterday and like I said, let us know what you think of these new kinds of content we're creating. Anyway, Fuck or Fight Revisited is Thursday. But folks, today's the day. Take a risk.
- [47:14]
Mikayla Murphy
You know the car you missed, the last payment the finance company gave noted away, do it away. And the money that you owe to your best friend, you don't owe him no more Cause the ring that you bought me for my birthday I cast it in at the store Got it all together don't you baby? Breakfast Got it all together don't you baby? Birth is love sure all together don't you baby.