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- [00:02]
Unknown Speaker 1
What is Dax?
- [00:03]
Kristen
Are you tracking all our cars on Carvana Value Tracker on all our devices? Yes, Kristen, yes I am.
- [00:09]
Melanie Hamlet
Well, I've been looking for my phone.
- [00:10]
Kristen
For In Dax's domain we see all so we always know what our cars are worth.
- [00:15]
Unknown Speaker 2
All of them?
- [00:16]
Kristen
All of them. Value surge trucks up 3.9%.
- [00:20]
Unknown Speaker 2
That's a great offer.
- [00:21]
Kristen
I know. Sell sell. Track your car's value with Carvana Value Tracker today.
- [00:30]
Unknown Speaker 1
I've been working with a nourish dietitian for the last six months and it's been life changing. I've lost weight, healed my relationship with food, and have way more energy. Working with a dietitian online to create a personalized nutrition plan was so easy thanks to Nourish. The best part? I pay $0 out of pocket. Because Nourish accepts hundreds of insurance plans, 94% of patients pay $0 out of pocket. Find your dietitian@usenourish.com that's usenourish.com Most supplement.
- [01:01]
Unknown Speaker 3
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- [02:01]
Melanie Hamlet
Whether you're traveling, advancing your career, or just love learning, speaking a new language can create incredible opportunities. Rosetta Stone makes it easier and more immersive than ever. Rosetta Stone helps you absorb a language the way you learned your first through real world context and conversation. No memorization, just practical skills you can use right away. For 30 years, they've been the trusted experts in language learning, helping millions of people get the chance to learn different languages. Rosetta Stone immerses you in the language from day one. No English translations, so you truly learn to think, speak and listen in that new language. Don't wait, unlock your language learning potential. Now listeners of this podcast can grab Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. That's unlimited access to 25 language courses for life. Visit RosettaStone.com RS10 to get started and claim your 50% off today. Don't miss out. Go to RosettaStone.com RS10 and.
- [03:05]
Unknown Speaker 2
Risk.
- [03:08]
Unknown Speaker 1
Hello.
- [03:08]
Kevin Allison
Folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and this is a special bonus episode that we're putting out. This is a story that was first released on the podcast in 2013. It's a story by Melanie Hamlet and it's called My Life in the House of Clowns. One of the greatest titles ever. But the reason we're re releasing this one right now is because we recently re released another story of Melanie Hamlet's from back in the day, I think it was from 2012 called Fuck or Fight. And I knew the moment I reheard Fuck or Fight that Melanie would have a ton of new insight and new feelings to share about how she feels about that story now. So we're putting out an episode this week called Fuck or Fight Revisited where Melanie and I listen to the story Fuck or Fight and then unpack it, discuss how she feels about it now. But in that conversation, Melanie referred so often to this other story, My Life in the House of Clowns, that I figured we should refresh people's memories about what goes on in this story also. Now both stories, Fuck or Fight and My Life in the House of Clowns, they have what I would describe as a date rapey context. Which is precisely why I thought Melanie might have a different perspective of them now that she's older and wiser. So that gives you a little bit of a heads up about where we're about to go. And don't miss our next episode, Fuck or Fight Revisited, where the story you're about to hear right now will also be discussed. So without further ado, here is Melanie Hamlet with a story we call My Life in the House of Clowns.
- [05:23]
Unknown Speaker 2
So I tend to do things, go to extreme measures to have new experiences and adventures. And last year I got an idea in my head that it'd be really fun to move to South America with no plan on a one way ticket. And like barely any Money. So that's what I did. And I was able to do that through couchsurfing.com or.org or whatever it's called. I'm sure some of you know what that is. It's basically a website where you go on there and you look at people's profiles and their pictures and decide if they're, you know, like a normal person or like a rapist or a killer. And then you, like, send them a couch request, and then if they accept it, you get to go sleep on their couch. It sounds like a terrible idea, but it's actually really cool. I ended up being down there for almost eight months, and for most of that I couch surfed, which is kind of crazy now that I think about it, but anyway. But it's great because you hang out with locals and you don't spend any money. So when I ended up in this town called Valparaiso, Chile, I was looking through profiles for somewhere to stay. And by this point in time, I'd done it for a while. And I realized that in South America at least, most of the people couch surfing are dudes. And any of the women that I'd sent requests to, they never responded to me. I don't know if it's because they're looking to hook up with only dudes. I don't know why. But anyway, only men would host me. So I was looking at profiles and, you know, to not send a request to somebody who has, like, where it's like a guy where he's, like, not wearing a shirt and he's, like, holding a beer as his profile picture. And, like, all the references left by couch surfers are like, he was such a great host, wink, wink, wink. And it's all like, beautiful women, you know, he's fucking his couch surfers. So I found this one profile. This guy's name is Luigi, and his profile picture was him on a unicycle. And then I looked through his other pictures, and one and he's playing like a trumpet and, like, juggling, and he's a professional clown. And I'm like, well, that's the one, right? That's hilarious and kind of weird. And it's safe, right? So I sent him a couch request, he accepted. And I showed up at his place with my backpack. And I've come to find out it's not just him, it's a whole house of clowns. It's Luigi, his brother, their friends. Now, before I go on, I just wanted. So in North America, clowns are, like, fucked up People, like, they have a terrible reputation. You like it? Stephen King, Poltergeist. Everyone has a terrible. Like every Law and Order SVU episode is like a clown child molester.
- [08:04]
Kevin Allison
But.
- [08:05]
Unknown Speaker 2
But like, in South America, clowns are really cool. They're like young and hip and have like dreadlocks and faux hawks and tattoos. And they smoke a lot of pot and some of them are hot and they're like in their 20s and they're like performance artist clowns. They're not like wanky wanky, wah, wah, wah. I mean, they do that too, but they're more like. They're cool. Anyway, so these guys were like misfits. They all like, had the faux hawks, the tattoos and whatever. And so it was pretty fun living with them at first. Like, they were hilarious. They taught me how to juggle and ride a unicycle. And they had like a sick sense of humor too. They'd make like balloon animals. And one time one of them made like, was making a mouse. They didn't speak any English, by the way. And he was making a mouse and he decided in the middle that the circle he made was brown. And he goes, asshole. And he put it up to his mouth and he goes. And I was like. And he make like the dog. Fuck the giraffe. And I was like, you guys are hilarious. Anyway, but there's some drawbacks to living with clowns. First of all, it's worse than living in a house of comedians. Most of my friends are comedians and we're kind of exhausting people to be around because they're always doing bits and I'm just like, enough with the. Like, they're also like, filthy. There's like a bunch of dudes living. Actually, by the way, I've worked with guys in all of my jobs, like film industry, outdoor adventures. So I'm used to hanging out with the bros and being one of the boys. So I wasn't intimidated by this situation at all. But their place was disgusting. Like, more so than like a frat house. It was like crusty plates and beer cans, but then like top hats and juggling pens and like other random shit. And they didn't pay their bills, like their water bills, so it was like never any hot water. I don't. Like, they stayed up all night long. They partied till like 2 or 3 in the morning. And I didn't drink or do drugs anymore. But, you know, as a couch surfing guest, you kind of have to hang out with your host. So I was like, God, when are they going to Go to bed every night. And none of them spoke English, which was a real problem because my Spanish was terrible. The only one who did speak English, he wasn't actually a clown. They called him Harry Potter because he lived in the bedroom underneath the stairs. And he was like a gentle soul. He was like a Reiki master. And he spoke a little bit of English. And then there was like one, the main clown, Luigi. Like, the Alpha clown is the only way I know how to explain it. Harry Potter said he thought he was B polar because I heard somehow to say bipolar, because he was like a living embodiment of the comedy tragedy face. Like, one minute he'd be like. And then he'd be like. I was like, walking on eggshaws around the B polar clown all the time. I'm like, is he in a good mood? Is he in a bad mood? It was really stressful. So besides all that, it was just nice to have a room, though, where I could have privacy and shut a door. Granted, it was a closet. Like, it was a mattress on the floor. No windows, just like a teeny tiny closet. But I had a door. And I'm used to sleeping on people's couches where I have no privacy. So I was like, whatever, I'll put up with this shit for a while. And they actually really liked me. They asked me to move in permanently. And I was kind of thinking about it and anyway, so one night I went, like, left to get away from the clowns and I just needed a break. And I went and saw the Hunger Games in all Spanish. I have no idea what happened kind of in the movie. Anyway, and I came home at, like 11:00 at night, kind of exhausted and wanted to go to bed. And they were trying to, like, keep me up. Like, I could just tell. Like, they kept distracting me when I was trying to go to bed. And then there's a knock on the door and end walk in these two, like, huge buff clowns, like, wearing, like, muscle man shirts. Like, they're pretty. They look like Chip and Dale models actually, like, like cartoonishly buff. I know they're clowns because I can. They have paint, like, still by their ears because they didn't do a very good job washing it off. And one of them comes over and sits down right next to me immediately. And he's, like, really eager to talk to me. And his name is Blue angel. And so he actually speaks English, like, better English than Harry Potter. So I'm like, so eager to just talk to someone in my own language because I'd been having these bullshit conversations in half Spanish for so long that I was like. I was talking to him about acrobats and whatever, and it was okay conversation. Then it kind of started getting weird. Like, he would say things. First. He goes, there's two things I love in a woman, a white woman and an older woman. And I'm like, how old do you think I am? And he's like, 45. I'm like. I was like, 33 at the time. I was like, you asshole. Anyway, and then he was like. And then I'd be like, talking normal things, and then he'd go. He'd just interrupt me. And he goes, I just. I love your legs. And I was like, thanks. And he was like, they're just so big. And I'm like. And he said the same thing about my butt. And I'm like, in my country, that's kind of mean to say that. And he's like, but I love it. It's bit. Anyway, so finally. So I was talking about the acrobats with them a little. I'm like, what do you do? Do you like spinning around? Anyway, and he's like, I show you in the kitchen. Now, the kitchen's really small. So I was like, how's he gonna show me an acrobat trick in the kitchen? But I went, anyway. And so I get in the kitchen, and he turns to me and he goes, there's no acrobat trick. I want to kiss you. And I'm like, you don't promise an acrobat chick and not follow through. What the fuck? And he was like, I just want to kiss you. And I'm like, well, I don't want to kiss you. And he's like. So we're, like, going back and forth, and I'm like, no, I don't want to. I just want to go to bed. Because I was, like, so tired, and finally I was, like, about to leave to go to bed. He goes, wait, wait, wait. What if I taught you to walk on stilts now? Like, I'm sorry. I'm not gonna turn down the opportunity to walk on. Learn to walk on stilts from a professional clown in Chile. Like that. Like, when are you ever gonna get a chance to do that? So I was like, okay, you got me. So. So we go outside and, like, stilts are hard, by the way. Way harder than a unicycle. Like, dangerous. I kept falling down. It got old after a while. And then I was like, this shit's hard. And I'm like, I'm going to bed. So I go back inside to go in bed to go to bed. And he follows me back into the hallway and he corners me. He's like, wait, wait, wait, wait. I want to give you a present. And I was like, mm. And he was like, I want to give you a massage. And I was like, yeah, okay, I know what a massage means. And he was like, no, no, I just want to give you a massage. Just a massage. Make you feel good, like a woman. A massage. And I was like. And like. So we started fighting back and forth. He's like, give me that. And I was like, no, I know what a massage means. And he was like, no. So back and forth, back and forth. So normally when a guy is really persistent and annoying and won't leave me alone, that part of me that's like, you never heard what no means? No means. I usually get more like, you don't know now, But I'm so tired from traveling and living with these fucking exhausting clowns and out of my element. And I'm like, It seems. I think some women in the audience know what I'm talking about when I'm like, it seemed almost like a better idea to say yes than to keep fighting, you know? I was like, fuck it, I'll just. Fine, I'll say yes to the massage. Leave me alone. So I was like, okay, fine, blue angel. But if you're gonna give me a massage, it's just a massage. I'm not doing anything to you. And you can't touch anything around here. You know, off limits. And he was like, okay, okay, okay. So we go back to my closet and he gives me a massage, and it's terrible and, like, half assed. And I was like, okay, thanks. And he's like, wait, wait, wait. I have another present. I'm like, oh, God. Because. So he, like, pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and he puts on some music and he starts to do the acrobat trick. I don't know how he does this in a tiny closet. There's, like, no floor space. He, like, does a handstand. His legs go up and, like, spread out. He's amazing. He's actually a really good acrobat. And I was like, wow. And then when he's done, he, like, changes the music to, like, reggaeton. And he starts doing a strip tease. And he's like. It's like. And he's like white, you know, tighty whities. And I'm like. And I'm like, Laying on the bed, watching this. And I'm like, two things are crossing my mind. First, I'm like, okay, Melanie, how did you get yourself in this situation? And how are you going to get yourself out of this? And then the other thought crossed my mind. This is the thought that gets me in, like, so much trouble. I was like, well, I mean, you've never hooked up with a clown before, you know, like, when are you gonna get the opportunity to ever do this again? And if nothing else, it'd be hilarious. And so he sat down and, like, started kissing me. And I was like, I guess I made my decision. So he starts kissing me, and I'm like, okay. And then he immediately tries to go down on me. And I'm like, hold on, hold on, cowboy. I'm like, first of all, okay, this story's about to get really fucking nasty. Just so you know. He's like, I'm like, first of all, I'm on my period, so. And then second of all, like, your fucking friends don't pay their water bills, so I haven't shaved or showered in, like, days. So it's just a mess down there. You don't want to go anywhere near there. And he's like, but I want. And he just goes for it. And I'm like, like, I couldn't enjoy anything because I'm just like, I would never do that if I was a guy. Even. Even if I love the girl, I would never do that. This is a one night stand. So he, like, he stays down there for, like, a long time, and then he comes back up. And then he, like, wants me to go down on him. And I was like, uh, we had the agreement. I'm not doing anything to you. And he was like, okay. So then he goes back down on me, flips me over and tries to talk my shit. Like, starts licking my butthole. And I'm like, oh, God. And then he's like, try as fuck. Fuck me too. And I'm like, whoa. I'm like, now, Now. Like. And finally I, like, push him off me. And I'm like, ah. Like, I'm in shell shock. Almost like, what's happening? And. And. And I'm like, I don't want to hook up with you. I'm sorry. And I'm like, I have an intestinal parasite. I have an eye infection in both eyes. I've got three cavities. I just got over the flu. I've been traveling for months. I'm really fucking tired. I just want to sleep in my tiny closet. By myself. And I'm bleeding out of this hole like a gross pig. I. I don't want to do anything with you right now. And he was like. And he looked at me all, like, sad and, like, defeated. Like, it's like Latin men do that, like, that little boy thing. They're like. And he was like, will you at least watch me jack off? And I was like, okay. Like, you got to give him a boat. I'm like, okay. And so he's like, jacking off. And I'm like. And he's like, watch me, watch me. I'm like, I'm watching you. And he's just like. And I'm like. And then he's like, stomach or leg? Stomach or leg? And I'm like, leg, leg. And he's like, all over my leg. And I'm like. So then he reaches over to his, like, pants and pulls out some tissue, and he starts, like, wiping it up. And I was like. I just. I was like, ha. You carry tissues around to wipe up your cum everywhere you go? Like some, like, offhand comment. He was like, well, no, I knew I was coming here tonight. And I was like, wait, what are you talking about? He's like, well, Luigi told me that I should come over here tonight to have sex with the couch surfer. And I'm like, what? Those fucking clowns set me up. Because here's the thing. I've been couch surfing for months. And, like, a lot of dudes had tried to sleep. I mean, I was a single woman traveling by myself all over South America. It doesn't surprise me that I'd be hit on a lot or asked her to get married. But, like, guys had, like, done crazy shit. Like, one of the guys I'm couchsurfing had taken a picture of me with my camera while I was sleeping. Like, one of them, like, left me in the middle of nowhere without my passport. Cause I wouldn't, like, flirt with them. Like, they'd done crazy shit. And finally I thought I found a home with these clowns. They were like, my bros. You know, I can trust them. I'm one of the boys. And those fuckers whored me out to their clown friends down the street. And I was pissed. And now I'm also the butt of my own joke. I'm like, this is really not as hilarious as I thought it was. So anyway, I, like, go to sleep. The next morning, I wake up, he's out there eating lunch with the other clowns. His friend, the other buff Chippendale looking clown, makes a Balloon flower and hands it to me. And Blue angel is now ignoring me high school style. So they want to pass me around now. And I was like, oh, motherfucker. And. And so Harry Potter comes up to me and he was like, Blue angel said he sex you. And I was like, what? I did not fuck that guy. He played with my tampon. He jizzed on my leg. He ate me out. He tried to butt fuck me. And I didn't actually tell you. He stuck his finger up my butt and then went. And then tried to stick it in my mouth. I was gonna spare you that detail, but I don't fucking care anymore. It's all out now. And I was like, but I did not fuck that clown. Harry Potter didn't understand any of that. He was like, okay. And I was like, I'm so pissed, you know? So I went to the bathroom. I felt so dirty. And I, like, took some toilet paper and put it in the sink and got it wet. Cause that's how I have to take showers there. And I was like, bird bath style. And I'm washing my pink parts, you know? And then I'm washing, like, clown jizz off my fucking leg. And I'm like. And then I walk out into the living room and I see the b. Polar clown Luigi. He's like, playing one of his. Like that thing where you do the knife between your fingers, you know? Because he's in one of his moods, you know? And I'm like, why am I living here? What am I doing here? I'm like, I need to move out. So I decided, like, that day I went out, I looked for, like, jobs teaching English. I started looking for apartments. I, like, started looking for new friends. Like, I basically moved out of the clown house and found a whole new life for myself. But I did find out one thing. South American clowns are just as fucked up as North American clowns. Thank you. It.