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- [00:01]
Kevin Allison
On this episode of Risk, you'll hear,
- [00:03]
Shauna McGarry
I don't perceive myself as a unicorn, but I feel like he's lucky.
- [00:09]
David Zelnick
And you'll hear, oh, my God, you're a Jew. I'm a Jew. What are the odds in Vienna?
- [00:13]
Kevin Allison
And me, Kevin Allison on the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to.
- [00:30]
Shauna McGarry
Mom, can you tell me a story?
- [00:31]
Ashley Johnson
Sure. Once upon a time, a mom needed a new car.
- [00:34]
Shauna McGarry
Was she brave?
- [00:35]
David Zelnick
She was tired, mostly.
- [00:37]
Ashley Johnson
But she went to Carvana.com and found
- [00:39]
David Zelnick
a great car at a great price. No secret treasure map required.
- [00:42]
Shauna McGarry
Did you have to find a dragon? Nope.
- [00:43]
Ashley Johnson
She bought it 100% online from her bed, actually.
- [00:46]
Shauna McGarry
Was it scary?
- [00:48]
Ashley Johnson
Honey?
- [00:48]
David Zelnick
It was as unscary as car buying could be.
- [00:50]
Shauna McGarry
Did the car have a sunroof?
- [00:51]
David Zelnick
It did, actually.
- [00:53]
Shauna McGarry
Okay, good story. Car buying you'll want to tell stories about.
- [00:56]
Ashley Johnson
Buy your car today on Carvana.
- [00:59]
Shauna McGarry
Delivery fees may apply.
- [01:00]
Ashley Johnson
What happens when two people who grew up in a very strange corner of Los Angeles look back and realize just how bizarre their upbringings really were?
- [01:09]
Taliesin Jaffe
They start a podcast, of course.
- [01:11]
Ashley Johnson
I'm Ashley Johnson.
- [01:12]
Taliesin Jaffe
And I'm Taliesin Jaffe. Before we became the Internet people we are today, we spent our childhoods as working actors, appearing in shows like Growing Pains and films like Mr. Mom.
- [01:21]
Ashley Johnson
In our podcast Weird Kids, we're diving deep into our unique upbringings, our friendship with each other, and all the delightfully odd interests we still carry with us today.
- [01:32]
Taliesin Jaffe
In each episode, we get to share stories of our youth, the things that bring us joy, the problems that we face, and occasionally the friends we've collected along the way.
- [01:41]
Ashley Johnson
If you're a misfit, an outcast, or just a weirdo who loves all things nostalgic and unconventional, come take a seat at our table.
- [01:48]
Taliesin Jaffe
Each week, we'll be releasing previously members only episodes on YouTube and all major podcast platforms, with new episodes dropping exclusively and ad free on Beacon tv.
- [02:06]
Kevin Allison
Okay, folks, this is Kirsten Collins behind me now. And this episode is called Patreon Picks Number six, where we share a couple of stories that were previously only available to our Patreon supporters. We like to give everyone a little taste of what they're missing every now and then to show how our bonus content on Patreon is fantastic, too, we're going to start with a story by the brilliant Shawna McGarry. It's a story we call Wild Card.
- [02:56]
Shauna McGarry
Hi, guys. So about 10 years ago, back from college, I walked in on my brother having sex. He was a senior in high school. About 18. And it was like that thing. It was like Marty McFly. I should not have seen the history or the past or the future. And it was like looking straight into the sun. And I was mortified, and I ran back upstairs, and I, like, was looking at a book, but not looking at a book. And about an hour later, I can hear, that's my little brother walk the young woman to her car. And I'm just hoping this is just going to go away. And instead, he comes to my door of my bedroom, and he just kind of stands there, and I'm thinking, what are you going to say? I'm thinking he's going to say, you know, Shauna, we're both adults now, and we're sexual beings, and this is a natural part of life, and you just really need to accept it. And I would say something like, we don't ever have to talk about this. You can just go. Just go. But instead, that doesn't happen. He just kind of looks at me with this cocky smile on his face, like this gravitas, and he says, she was hot, right? And that was the first time it really hit home. And I'm going to generalize a little bit that guys think they can bag. And I hate these words, I hate this lexicon, but it's patriarchal society. Whatever. They can bag, whatever, like, hot chick they want. And she was a hot woman. I come from Santa Barbara, and there's this being there. She's like a unicorn. And if you grow up and you're anything but her, you have a huge complex. She's got blonde sandy hair, and she's tall, and she wears really short shorts and uggs. And she's kind of wealthy, so she's like Sweet Valley High, but without any trace of valley. And Casey had just had sex with somebody like that. And he wanted me to bro out with him and be like, man, dude, I saw her, like, you tapped, like, whoa, dude. I am, like, sitting here reading Anna Karenina just, like, in awe of you. But instead, I was just like, get the fuck out of my room. And. And it's this constant in my life, this understanding that Casey, at the time, was pimply, he was scrawny. I mean, he's always been charming, and he's my brother, and I love him. But this thought that he could walk into any room and have the unicorn or have the girl, whatever, he perceives as the opposite of the unicorn. And I think a lot of guys feel this way like that if they just play their cards right. Any woman will have sex with them. So about three years ago, I break up with or my boyfriend and I break up, and I'm really sad. And I go to Harry Potter, the Last Harry Potter with some friends of mine, and there's like, a friend of a friend there. And I'm thinking, okay, this guy's kind of into you. He's obviously kind of flirting with me, and I can hook up with this guy. Like, I'm like, in the zone. I'm like, focus. Like, this can happen and you can make this happen. I'm terrible at this stuff. So we start making out in his car, and then he invites me inside, and we bypass the living room. He says he has a roommate, but there's no roommate. He just leads me to his bedroom. And I'm like, I know what you're doing, but I'm getting. Because I need to. This is a hurdle. I need to make out with my first guy post serious relationship. And we're kind of making out, and I'm wearing a dress, and I don't perceive myself as a unicorn, but I feel like he's lucky. And he. And then I excuse myself. I say I use the bathroom, and I go in the bathroom to pee. And it's a dude bathroom. I don't blame him because he didn't know he was having a girl come over, like, when he was going to go see Harry Potter. Who really thinks that's going to happen? So his bathroom's, like, covered with shaving clippings. You know, the sink and the floor is wet with that wet dust that only happens on a bathroom floor, like, kind of grouped together. And there's this crumpled pair of pajama bottoms on the ground. And I'm just, like, kind of grossed out, but I'm like, make out. Not sex anymore. But you're making out with him. And I go back out to his bedroom, and we kind of kiss a little more. And then he's like, I have to go to the bathroom, too. And I'm like, okay. And I'm thinking, like, oh, gosh, this is just what's happening. And what's he doing in there? And he comes back out wearing nothing but the pajama bottoms, but they're inside out so that the pockets form these sort of thigh wings. And he just kind of bundles me back down onto the bed with him, and he says, you can sleep over if you want. And I'm like, that's so nice of you. You know, I just got out of something and. Thank you. And I get out of there. And just to make the point though, again, that he presumed he could have sex with me wearing inside out pajama bottoms. I mean, honestly, if he had not worn the pajama bottoms. But whatever, that's another story. So I move out of the apartment I shared with my boyfriend and I move into this 1930s triplex that I'm so in love with south of Pico. And the first night I'm there, my really good friend Sandy comes over to help me un. And Sandy's heartbroken too, because her boyfriend of six years just told her that he's still in love with his ex girlfriend. And she's spiraling and she doesn't know where she's gonna live. And before I even think, I say, move in with me. And she says yes. We convert my new breakfast nook without a door into a bedroom. We put a curtain up and we go to Ikea together. And we buy her a twin size bed. Cause it's the smallest little room. And I tell her that we're autonomous and, and we're strong women and we're single now and we're both 27. It's about finding ourselves. And she buys this disco ball, this tabletop disco ball, and we have these late night roommate dance parties and we were like wild and free. And we're always complimenting each other to affirm our new status. Like, Sandy, where you hung that picture in the living room is so perfect. Shauna, did you get up early yesterday and go for a walk? Because you are in control of your life and we're just like constantly like, you're the best. And Sandy is a unicorn. She is so beautiful and she does make me feel a little insecure. And she's half Peruvian, like hellcat, half Bostonian wasp. And the combination is just man bait. And she doesn't speak, but to exclaim. She's always like, I love coconut water, I love yoga, I love true blood. Sandy loves being groovy and going out into the town and inviting the world in. And I love throw blankets. And I love Sandy. And so I'm happy on any Saturday night with just those two things. But we're both kind of sad and we compromise and we decide that to get over our heartbreak, which is also the name of our WiFi network, Heartbreak Hotel, we'll throw a Halloween party at our house. So Sandy says that we need to dress sexy. So she's playing her part of this game that now I'm thrust back into where guys will come over, they want to have hook up with you and you on this most obvious night of the year where women are saying, okay, we're going to dress sexy. Because that's what Halloween has somewhat become. And I have mixed feelings about it. Whatever. I tried to dress sexy when I was 18, and my roommate then Megan, wanted us to be the interpretive manifestation of the band Earth, Wind and Fire. I was Earth, she was Fire. And we tried really hard to get my gay best friend Bear to be air, but he rightly would not take part. So no one knew what we were all night. And I just had. I drew vines all over my body and I wore a green slip and I told my crush that I liked him, and I got rejected. And I've never really tried to be sexy again. I've just tried to be safe and witty. So Sandy says that our goal for the night is to hook up. She doesn't know that I've already had this failed hurdle hookup attempt. And, you know, we invite coworkers and friends, and I know all the players. So I'm thinking, unless there's some wild card, this is going to be a fail for Lucy Van Pelt. Because I dress up as Lucy from the Peanuts, and I have the blue dress and the saddle shoes, and I make Casey the same guy I walked in on 10 years earlier be Charlie Brown. And I buy him a shirt off Amazon, and he's disgruntled about it, but he's fine. And all my co workers come in, including one of my best friends from college, and he's dressed as a zombie with his girlfriend. And I'm so jealous of them because they don't have to play this game and I would just kill them if they weren't already dead. And then a wild card does come in. It's my co worker, Jake. So Jake and I have worked together on and off for four years. We started together as writers, assistants, and Jake's a Harvard guy. He's so smart and he's so charming. He's so good at his job, but he's almost, like, too nice. Like, there are rumors in the office that he's sleeping with two of my other co workers, and he knows all the names of every stripper at the strip club down the street because we work in Chatsworth. And he's not like a kill you psychotic, but you get this feeling that he'd, like, fuck you with dead shark eyes. And I've never wanted to have sex with him. He's never wanted to have sex with me. He's comforted me. He's given me rides for the most part. I think he's a good guy, but he's already drunk and his goal is to sleep with somebody. He makes that pretty clear pretty quickly. And he comes in and I am hoping he's not going to hit on any of my friends. And before I know it, his wino unfocused eyes are focused in on Sandy. And she succeeded at her goal of looking hot. She's wearing a 1970s blue disco jumper, her boobs free from the constraint of a bra. And Jake says, so who's that? And I say, that's Sandy. She's my roommate, Jake. I've told you about her about 10 times. And he says, you know, she's pretty hot. And I'm like, yeah, noted. And he's like, who's that she's dancing with? And I suddenly realized that Sandy is like not just dancing, but grinding with my brother, the half assed Charlie Brown. And the. And he's like. I'm like, well, that's my brother. And Jake's like, so he's my competition. And I'm like, well, I hope not, because either way that's great gross for me. And then what follows is like an hour of Sandy in the middle of this weird sandwich where she's dancing with Casey and really into it. And the thing about Casey is he's a really good dancer. He's 20 at this time. This is like three years ago. He's 24, so he knows what his strengths are with the ladies, you know, so he's like, really work in the dancing angle. And Sandy loves the dance, so she's into it. And Jake is just sort of like a foot back. And I'm in the corner like eating cookies and carrots and trying not to cry barf. And the party's winding down and my college friend, the zombies, they leave and I'm walking them out and he says, who's that guy? Like who's turtleneck? Oh. Because Jake wasn't in costume. He was wearing just his normal really tight pants and his Gucci belt and his tight black turtleneck. It's like he's. If it was a costume, which it wasn't, it would be like he was trying to steal art, but instead he was just trying to steal vaginas. And so who's turtleneck? And I was like, oh, I don't know why? Because he just told me that Ali has a really nice turtle chest. I was like, awesome, thanks so much for coming. Bye. So now there's no one at the Party. But me, the disgruntled Lucy, my brother, Charlie Brown, disco vulva. And Jake and I go to start cleaning up, and I come back and Jake is gone. He's so drunk. He really should not have left. I'm so frustrated and kind of mad that I just have let him leave and I don't go after him. And it's not a good. I still feel bad about this. And Casey, proving to be, like, a better person than me, says, so where's Jake? Where'd that dude go? And I'm like, oh, I think he left. He must have left like a second ago. And Casey runs out the door, doesn't even think. And I sit on the couch and I kind of avoid Sandy because I'm like, really, Sandy? I mean, I know we had a goal, but we could have discussed. And before you know it, Casey comes back in and Sandy opens the door for them and I'm sitting on the couch. Jake is so drunk that he's just hanging on Casey at this point point he kind of straightens up and he looks at Sandy and he looks at Casey and it must have just been this realization, crystal clear, he was not getting boned tonight. And then he looks at me on the couch and he says, well, I guess I have no choice but to rape you. And then in an instant, he's like, head diving towards me and he lands on my lap, like, right in my crotch. And he just immediately passes out. And this is funny, you guys. It was funny immediately for me. Do not feel bad. I think, you know, dudes are. I love you so much. Men, you are ridiculous people. And so Sandy and Casey are like, well, we're gonna go in the kitchen and fuck. And I'm like, okay. And I look at Jake and I automatically, I feel sorry for him. Like, he's 10 years older than me. And this thing I have in my brain, that men presume they can go anywhere and sleep with whoever they want. This, like, weird tipped balance, this game that we somehow all play a part in is not true. Like, Jake comes to parties drunk because he doesn't know how to play the game. And at his worst moment, he'll make some sort of weird attempt at a rape joke slash threat. And my worst moment, I won't stop him from driving drunk. And we're not bad people, but we were. It was a bad moment. And I kind of brush his hair away from his face and I unlace his boots, which are these tall black things. And, like, much more effort than he deserves. And I scooch away from the couch and I start to, I undress and I get in my pajamas and I'm thinking like, you did a great job, Shauna, dressing like an adult sexless child on the night that you were supposed to be putting yourself out there subconsciously, you never had a chance. And I listen as, you know, like Charlie Brown, he finally kicked the football. They did have sex that night because there was no door on that breakfast nook. And I know because Sandy also loves to be loud during sex. I wake up early the next morning and I go to check on if Jake's still there and he's checked out of Heartbreak Hotel sober, hopefully. And I go in the kitchen, it's like 7am and I'm starting to make tea. And Casey comes in. He kind of stands there again with that like, cocky smile. And I'm like, just waiting to hear what he says. And he goes, so Sandy's pretty cool, right? And I think you're pretty cool. And then he says, dude, though, I am so fucking rad that I bagged a chick wearing this Charlie Brown shirt and mesh shorts. Like, I'm a God. That's it. Thanks guys.
- [21:07]
Kevin Allison
This is Risk. This is Danny Shield behind me now. And we just heard from from Shawna McGarry. Shawna has written for so many fantastic TV series like BoJack, Horseman and Tuca and Bertie. Her solo show LA Homebody was optioned by FX and developed for TV. And you can find her online at shawnamagarry.com now both stories on this episode were until this episode previously just among the hundreds of bonus stories of available only to our patreon supporters@patreon.com risk. We make so much extra stuff available over there. Bonus stories, audio check ins, extra conversations with storytellers about their stories, some of our storytelling, educational material, video footage from live shows and live streams. You can get an ad free feed of the podcast over there and we really, really, really need that support from our listeners. We pour so much heart and soul and mental energy into creating the podcast. But even as we've had to reduce the size of our staff this year due to financial constraints, we're still hurting. So join us@patreon.com risk or increase the size of your donation there to ensure this show goes on. Or you can send us a one time donation at PayPal me riskshow or via zell@kevinrisk-show.com we are so grateful to everyone who has joined us over@patreon.com risk Next up, the brilliant David Zelnick David shared this at a recent RISK live show in New York City. It's a story we call Vienna. 1939, 2024.
- [23:32]
David Zelnick
I arrived in Vienna last year for the first time as a dual US Austrian citizen. And at a food festival, I see this 6 foot 5 blonde guy and I catch his eye and I'm pretty sure he's cruising me and I cruise him back. And I'm married, but I always get curious in situations like this and I'm not even into tall guys. But I will say there's always something exciting about the idea of bringing down big game. We non verbally agree to sit down. And as he turns, I can see that he is wearing a kippah, the yarmulke, the Jewish prayer cap. And I go, oh my God, you're a Jew. I'm a Jew. What are the odds in Vienna? And I say, did you recognize me as Jewish when you saw me? And he says, yeah, kind of. And I say, this, this is amazing. I've been wanting to meet more Jews. So awesome. And we order beers. To this point, I should tell you that my dad was born in Vienna in 1931 and became a refugee from Vienna from the thing that, you know, made Jews refugees from Austria in 1939. And though I always knew he was from Vienna, he never really talked about it. And I didn't realize what an absence that was until I got older. Anyway, on my possibly a date, my questions are tumbling out. I'm like, how long have you been here and what is the Jewish scene? Like, have you checked out Jewish stuff? And my dad never talked about Vienna to me, so what can you tell me? And he says, well, you know, that generation didn't really talk much. And I say, is your family from here? And he says, no, we're from Germany. And I go, oh my God, how did they make it through the wood? And he gets really quiet and I'm like, oh no, they're survivors. But I go, did your family spend the war in Germany? And he goes, yes. And now he can tell I'm confused. And he says something about God's providence. And at that moment, it's not like he lied, but it clicks. Oh, this man is a convert. You know, there are six foot five blond Jews. They exist, but they're like rare. And converts are a thing. You know, we are one people. And whether you think of Judaism as a religion or an ethnicity, the idea of peoplehood is really core, you know, like even more than a belief in God, it is the corest of the core thing. We are one people. But I will say, and feel free to judge me, I did think it was my job to accept him as a fellow Jew because I am like 100% Jewish on both sides. Like, I come from a long line of book reading, arts loving, matzo ball making Jews. And my great grandfather was actually a choir director at a famous synagogue in Vienna and there's rabbis in the family, so like, very, very Jew. Anyway, we're talking, we're flirting. It turns out he's more religious than I am. He can talk, he's a convert. I confirm he's gay. Our feet are touching under the table, we order more beers. And then he brings up Israel. He's gonna talk about Israel. We're gonna talk about Israel. He's talking about this amazing trip he went on and the emotional attachment he had and the first food and the people. And he can tell he's kind of losing me. And he goes, have you been to Israel? And I say, yes, let's just say I have some complicated feelings about the place. And he says, yeah, but you're a Zionist, right? And I say, why do you ask? And he says, because we're Jews, we all have to be Zionists. And I say, why? And he says, look, I'm a very left wing guy. I believe in a two state solution and I work with Palestinians and even this is hard in Austria. And I say, look, I am not telling you how to. And he says, what are you, self hating? And I say, I am entirely too narcissistic to hate any part of myself. I love Jews, my husband's a Jew, my best friend is a Jew. I make a great challah. And I want Israelis and Palestinians all to live. I want everyone to thrive. But a Zionist, A follower of the political ideology that began here in Vienna. The ethnonationalism that has been brutally implemented over the past 100 years and in whose name is even now starving people. No, no, I am not. And he tries to laugh and he goes, well, I don't think you know as much as you think you do. And I can tell he is pissed. I remember the first time my dad talked to me about Vienna, like with feeling. I was 22 and I was on one of those post college your rail things. And I arrive in Vienna and I call my parents collect. By this point, I have learned some German which I was not raised with. And so I call my parents up and I say, dad, guess where I am? Ich bin in Wien an GE kommmen. I have arrived in Vienna. And his voice gets very soft and his breathing changes and he just goes, vienna. And even though I'm not in the room, I can tell something has shifted. And I think, okay, now he will finally open up and I will finally hear all the stories, all the stories he never told me. He'll tell me about his mom having to sew the Jewish star on all his clothes, or being transferred to an all Jewish school, or how all of a sudden he couldn't sit in any benches because they were reserv for Aryans. Or he'll talk about watching his father liquidate the family company to Aryanize it. And maybe he'll even be mad and he'll be like, David, why are you in that city? But instead he says in his truest voice, vienna, isn't it glorious? And at that moment I realized, oh, Vienna is not some nightmare he has been repressing. Vienna is a fairy tale that he has been exiled from. And I look around Vienna when I'm there. I look at the cobblestones and the palaces and I see it through an 8 year old's eyes. I feel very protective of the 8 year old version of my father, as though he were my child and I were his father. And I think if my dad had to turn his childhood into a fairy tale in order to start a new life in America, in order to be strong enough to start a family, then maybe it was my job as his child to be his anger. And so that is why I said to this very nice, very well meaning man, listen, I know what a Jew is. And it's not a 6 foot 5 blonde guy whose family survived the war because they are German. I don't need to be lectured by someone whose grandparents are possibly Nazis. You people do not get to kill the Jews and then convert and become us and replace us. And he said, you people, I am a Jew. And I said, look, look at this face, this face you recognized. I am a Jew. And he said, oh, you mean Jews are only real Jews if they're Jews by blood? And who do you sound like now? And I said, oh, I bet you've been waiting to call a Jew the real Nazi for years. And that was the end of the date, If it was a date. And I was left to think race or religion, shared trauma or living culture. When I went back to Vienna a bit later in the year to stay for a few months, I actually looked him up. I looked him up to apologize. Or if not to apologize, then to just say no one kicks anyone out of the tribe. But when I found him on Instagram, I could see he had actually left the city. So I turned my phone off and I walked around and I ended up in a cafe in Vienna. Whenever I'm in Vienna, which is more and more, I love to spend time at cafes, reading, writing, thinking. It's very cliche. Except I have this idea that Vienna needs Jews in cafes. That it. That it needs intellectual, artistic, left wing Jews in cafes. That somehow it lost something essential about itself when we were kicked out and murdered. And that somehow it needs us, these short, charming, possibly annoying people to argue with and make art. So you see, I too have my fairy tales of Vienna. And I have cast myself, if not as the lead, then as the mysterious returning stranger, full of cryptic riddles and prophecies, half Dobby the house elf and half the witches from Macbeth. Of course, there are many roles to play in Vienna. And for that matter, there are many, many Viennas. And there are many ways to be a Jew. My father never did tell me his story of Vienna. Thank you for listening to mine.
- [34:01]
Kevin Allison
This is Risk. This is Randy Sharp behind me now, and we just heard from David Zelnick. David co hosts a new storytelling night called Truth Be Told at Ensemble Studio Theater in New York City. We'll be featuring some stories recorded at Truth Be Told shows here on the Risk podcast soon, and you can find David on Instagram. Avid zelnick Folks, June 9th is the next Risk live show at Caveat in New York City where that story you just heard was recorded. There's still nothing quite like being there in the room where it happens and where you can meet the storytellers and Risk staff too, and fellow lovers of the podcast. And June 6th and 7th are when I'm teaching my next in person storytelling workshop in Bangkok at the Garage Burger and Grill in Tonglo. And May 31 is when I start my next online storytelling workshop for anyone, anywhere in the world. Here are some things recent students have said about my online storytelling workshops. One woman said I was scared and thought I'm not good enough. But all that disappeared on day one. One fella said, you learn about yourself, you improve your communication skills, and you connect with smart and caring new friends around the world. And another woman said it's part creative playground and part reconnecting with hope and inspiration. So email me at kevinriskdashshow.com to find out how you could jump in on one of my online true storytelling workshops where you can work on super short stories, funny stories, improvised stories, written stories, whatever you might be interested in trying out will be supportive about it. Again, I'm at kevinrisk-show.com folks, today's the day. Take a risk.
- [36:38]
Shauna McGarry
Ra.