Lindsay Ames (8:00)
Okay, by a show of hands, how many people have been involved in a near death experience that resulted in them being caught by their mother while they were having sex for the first time? Okay, just me. All right. Okay, let me set the stage. It was summer. It was a hot, sultry, sexy evening. The air was rife with sexual tension. I was 18. I had just returned home from my first year away at school. Yes, I was still a virgin. I decided to stay chaste until I felt like I was in love. What a nice notion. And my best friend was taking me on a surfing trip. And I still hadn't had sex at this time. But I did have a boyfriend and I was going to go see him and I was going to go see him to get some serious finger banging that would tide me through the next four days. So it's very, very important to me because I was still very, very funny looking. I wasn't the juggernaut that you see standing before you. So I was really, really excited to go see my boyfriend at the time. And I hopped in the car. I was very stoned. Bad decision. And when I got to the end of the street, I realized that I had left my wallet on the kitchen counter. And I sat for a second. I was like, pretty close. I could go back now. I'm going to go get my swerve on. It'll be fine. I always drive. Nothing ever happens. I'm good. So I go. It was really awesome. Really awesome, guys. That's how you should do it. And. And so I'm driving home. I'm three blocks away from my house. There is a beautiful big green light at the intersection by my house. And I'm driving. You know, I'm like, oh, I'm almost home, going to go to bed, go surfing the next day. And I'm driving. And as I'm driving, I look over and I see this, like, incredible sports car. Like, and I don't ever really recognize sports cars, but, like, this thing looked amazing. And I looked at it and I was like, what? Wow. And I'm driving through, and then as I'm driving through, I realized that this car is coming, like, right at me. And then everything Went super, super slow. And I remembered thinking the sound that I'm about to make at the time, I was like, if I live through this, I'm going to make so much fun of myself for that sound. Because it was like this. That's a nice car. And the car spun and spun and sp. Fun. And he hit me, like, on my side. Like the car was up. I managed to, like, get out of the car. And I'm in this haze, right? And I look over and there's a gas station on the corner. And I see this guy from the gas station run into the middle of the intersection. And it's very late at night, right? It's like 1:00 in the morning, so there are. Isn't anybody around. I see this guy run out to the middle of the intersection and he goes, nobody move. I've called an ambulance. And I'm like, at the time, because I didn't have a cell phone. And. And I. On something, and I looked at this other guy comes rushing over and he's like, are you okay? And I'm like, sir, do. Do you have a quarter? I need to use the pay phone. He's like, you can use my phone. Oh, thank you. And. And I'm. And I'm starting to dial, but I haven't really dialed. And then the other guy who hit me comes over and he's like, are you okay? And I'm like, I'm a. What the were you doing? That was a red light. And I'm like, oh, God. And so I die on my mom. And my mom picks up and the phone rings, right? And my mom goes, hello? I go, mom. Lindsay. Mom. Lindsay. Mom. I've been smoked. You've been what? I've been smoked. She's been what? She's been smoked. So I tell them, and then they. They come down and they get me and I. And I say to my mom, you know, I didn't. I didn't bring my wallet. Can you please bring it to me? And, and so like, the ambulance, the fire trucks come, the. The police are about to be there. Like, I'm in the car, and this like super, super hot fireman comes over and he's like, do you. Do you need anything? I'm like, a little. A little mouth to mouth. Maybe he didn't do it. And then the cop was like, right about to come over to me, and my mom is like, so amazing. My mom comes over and she like, backhands me my wallet, like, right before. She's like, I need to Talk to my daughter. I need to see if she's okay. She, like, backhands me a wallet and so, like, that all happens. I'm in shock also, like, mind you, like, when they put me in the ambulance, I was making all these jokes because I had just seen Silence of the Lambs and there's like the seat where like, you know, right? And I was like, you guys don't know. And then they're like, they were wheeling me into the. Into the hospital and all I was doing was like, Roland, Rolling, Rolling. Get the. Yeah, shock is amazing for comedy, apparently. So let's now cut to three weeks into it. So I have a lot of soft tissue damage and just like, I'm like laid out on the couch all the time. So my boyfriend was coming over a lot and I wasn't allowed to have boyfriends in my room. It's just like, I'm an adult. Okay, Come on. Right? Like, what am I going to do? Normally, if I was going to go get it on with my boyfriend, we'd go to his place, but now that's not an option. So we used to have this thing that we would do. Here's the living room. There's one door here that would go like upstairs. Like, it leads around to go upstairs. So if you leave it open a crack, you can always hear what's going on and you can like get things in order. And. And then there's like a door right here that goes to the kitchen. So we're like making out, getting into it. And. And like this is all of a sudden me in my impaired state. This is the night we're going to do it. Okay? Me and boyfriend with his Jenko jeans and his. This is what's so amazing. So, like, we get into it and it's not like this like, love making missionary style. It's like my legs are up and he is just going, true love, guys. And. And it's like she didn't even take off his shirt. His shirt is like, like, just like that pulled over thing, right? Like super hot styles. And he's like thinner and paler than I am, if that's even possible. So must have just been a vision, guys. We really should have taped it. And. And so like, he's going for it and like we all of a sudden hear something. And I kind of see something go by and like. And then we kind of hear something in the kitchen. We're like, oh, fuck. And like we're getting together quickly. And then all of a sudden I hear, lindsey, can I See you in the kitchen. Oh, fuck. Oh, God. So, like, he's freaking out. I'm freaking out. So, like, I walk around to the kitchen. Now, thank God for me a little bit. It doesn't really matter, but there was, like, an island right here. So my mom is on this side. And as I'm walking around, my underwear was, like, just on one leg. So, like, as I'm walking around, it's falling down. And, like, as I'm talking to my mom, I'm gingerly, like, picking my underwear up and, like, tucking it into the back of my sweatpants. And so my mom goes, lindsay, I think you better ask Mike to go home. And I'm grasping for, like, anything. So I go, why? Because we were making out. You were doing a lot more than making out. Yeah. So what's really terrific about this. So he goes, I run upstairs and I go to my diary, and. And I start. And I found the diary entry, like, the other day. It's amazing. It's all scribbles, and it just goes, what the fuck?
