Kevin Allison (3:18)

Hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episod where we look back at content from our earlier years. This week, an episode that premiered in January of 2013. It's an episode we call Sex, Death and High School.

Kelly McFarland (4:02)

Ra.

Kevin Allison (4:43)

Hello kids, this is Extra Risk, where we give you just a little bit more of the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and this is Boobamarra Brass Band behind me. Now, if you're somewhat new to the show, regular episodes of Risk have about three to five stories. These extra ones have one or two. And we're calling today's Sex, Death and High School because both of today's stories are about high schoolers, one losing her innocence and another losing his virginity. We're going to start with the fantastic Boston based comedian and actress Kelly McFarland. You can find her@kellymcfarland.com and that's MacFarland. So without further ado, here she is. This is Kelly McFarland at the risk Live show in New York City with a story we call where the Walrus Touched Me.

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I actually grew up in Maine and I my freshman year in high school, I decided to take a CPR class and it was mostly because my friends were taking the class. I had no interest in learning cpr, but all my friends were taking it. And important things to you your freshman year are pretty much like, I just wanted my look to be really classic and my hair to be big. Those were important things to me. And all of my Friends were going to take the class, so I took the class, too. And the good news is that the class was pass, fail. So I wasn't the best student. So my chances were really good that I was gonna pass. And you can barely pass. And with pass fail, no one knows the difference. You either pass or you fail. So I was really excited about it. And it wasn't a horrible class. It was kind of fun. There was a routine that we got to do, and they pulled out a fake dummy Resuscitation Annie. Does anybody remember her? She's this dummy with no arms or legs and big, like, slight smile on her plastic face. And you would practice the CPR on the dummy. And the instructor was really cheeky. They would put T shirts on the dummy. Like, one week it would be like a classic Coke T shirt, and like, the next week it would be like our school mascot. And then a frequent T shirt was this don't worry, be happy T shirt with, like, a big smiley face with the dreadlocks. Do you remember that T shirt on the dead Resuscitation Annie Dol. Don't worry, be happy. And we would practice just for hours and hours on the resuscitation doll, just practicing, practicing. And the instructor made it fun because she said that if you do CPR correctly, it's to the song Staying Alive. Has anybody Staying alive? Staying alive. So it was really. It was fun. We would sing it out loud. So it was fun. I was catchy, and I was getting really good at CPR on the fake dead person. And I was really felt good about it. It was a good way to, like, wind up my freshman year. Stellar ending. Summer came. I was really excited about that. And my family growing up in Maine, we camped in the summer. That's what we did. We seasonally camped, which is not something a lot of people know about. It's basically you find a campground you really like, and you set up shop near the lake. It's like our version of summer home, summer homeless. So we had a lake house, like homeless. And we would camp there every weekend. And it was like we had a summer place, but we didn't. And we would go to this campground every single weekend. And it was fun. My relatives also camped there, so which, now that I'm saying it out loud, sounds like we had, like, a weird commune thing. It wasn't. It was just camping. And this. There was a very, very sunny Saturday, and we were at the campsite, and we were preparing for a party, and we were really excited about the party. I remember it was a really warm day, and it was my cousin's birthday and we were really excited because we always celebrated his birthday at the campground. And we were decorating the picnic table and the awnings, the screen tent, which is just a tent that you can see through, it's fancy. The dining room, if you will. And it kept the mosquitoes out, which was nice. And my aunt Millie, his mother, was making a cake and she made the best cakes. It was a bear shaped cake, chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and like gumdrop eyes and like little gumdrop buttons. Like, he was wearing a suit. And then a big, like, cherry red licorice smile. Like wicked happy chocolate on chocolate bear cake. It looked amazing. I was like, that's a fucking delicious cake right there. I'm excited about it. And I was watching her frost it, and everybody was hanging out and my dad was firing up the grill and. And we saw this woman coming up from the lake. And as she got close to our campsite, we noticed that she was stopping at every campsite, very frantic, like, stopping. And in my mind, I always go to food. So I was like, I wonder if she's out of hamburger rolls. And she must be out of hamburger buns. This is horrible. Someone should go to town. And so she's stopping at every campsite. And then finally she was coming towards our campsite and she was very upset. And I was screaming, does anyone know cpr? Does anyone know cpr? Anyone? And my mother went.

Rosetta Stone Advertiser (10:47)

She does.

Carvana Advertiser (10:48)

And pointed at me, who was propped up on a stool licking a beater. Like, I was like, what me? And I said, oh, why? I don't. I was pass, fail. Pass, fail. It was pass, fail. And my mother's like, you can do this. You passed it. And I was like, oh, did I? Yeah, but it's not something you can say no to. Like, if someone comes up and says, we need someone who knows cpr, you can't be like, well, if you don't find anyone else, you come on back around. I'm gonna finish licking spatulas. And then you. You can't find anyone. It's not like that. It's not like, hey, can you house sit my cat? No. Like, clearly this is like, it's time sensitive. So. So she does. I'm like, I know. And she grabs me by the arm and leads me down to the lake. And the whole walk down, I'm like, what? What is happening? This is. I'm very nervous. I don't think I remember anything. Can't remember anything. I'M drawing a blank. And my dad was trailing behind and he was like, are you okay? And I was like, what? No, no, I am not okay. We don't even know what's going on. And the woman starts to debrief us and she says, someone found a man floating upside down on a blow up raft and they pulled him from the lake and he's not breathing. So in my mind I thought, well, maybe by the time we get down there he will be up and walking around, like maybe he was sleeping. And when I get down there, we'll have a good laugh about this and get to have some ice cream. And that wasn't the case. We got to the beach and they had pulled him from the water and laid him on his back. And he was on a very bright, very cheerful beach towel. It was a very bright colored beach towel with like these cartoon dolphins that were smiling and he was laid out on his back. He was wearing orange and yellow swim trunks. Pretty fashionable for a man of his age. I would have guessed he was in his late 60s. He was ginormous, just enormous. I'm 5ft tall. It looked like I was going to have to climb up on him to do cpr. He had a giant bloated beer gut and very hairy chest. Like more hair than I was 14, more hair than I had ever seen in my entire life. And it grew up over his shoulders like moss on a building and came down his arms. He had a full mustache that if he wasn't wet or in the water for several hours would have been like full and fluffy. But instead it was matted to his face. He looked like a giant walrus on his back. And I looked at him and tried to look like I was assessing the situation. Like I just walked on a crime scene. I was like, yes, I see it. I know exactly what to do. And in real life, my stomach was flipping like over and over and I'm getting that saliva buildup in your mouth that you get when you feel like you're gonna be sick. And all you want to do is hover over a toilet because that's going to help to just relieve you. But I'm thinking, don't throw up. There's a lot of people around and want to make sure that you focus. So as I approached him, I kneeled down and a woman much older than I touched me on the arm and said, I'm going to help you. I will do the breaths. And I was like, thank Jesus, because I had never even kissed a boy, never mind a Boy with a big full mustache. So I was like, sounds good to me. And we had heard about two person CPR instead CPR class, but it's very outdated and it wasn't really something that they approve of now, whoever they are. But I was like, I am willing to take the help. So she did everything normal. She tilted the head back, she did the shake. In my mind, it went, annie, Annie, are you okay? I don't think his name was Annie. I'm guessing his name wasn't Annie, but Annie, Annie, are you okay? I was like, that's right. And then I was like, mm, mm, mm, mm. Stayin alive. Stayin alive. And I got ready to do my part, which is the compressions. So I clasped my hands together and I had him on his chest ready to go. And I was thinking, I really wish he had on that T shirt that Annie used to wear, because now I can feel how cold and hard his flesh is, like frozen solid is what it felt like. And. And it was my turn. So I began to do the compressions. And just like they had warned me in CPR class, I felt the ribs break underneath my hands, just repeatedly breaking and cracking. And Annie also had a rib breaking noise, but it was just a pleasant click, click, click, click. This was more of like, I could feel them all breaking underneath my hands. And he wasn't coming to. He wasn't reviving. People were watching. They were very hopeful. And I just kind of went into a daze and just kept doing the cpr. I don't know how long it went on, but it was long enough for me to be scarred for life because when the ambulance got there, they quickly shoved us out of the way. And I noticed no one was saying anything to us. No one thanked us. No one said, wow, thank you for doing everything you could for my father or my brother. It was very, very weird. Like no one was claim. Like he had just wandered down there or floated from a campsite across the lake and then flipped. It was very strange. And I watched the EMTs. They were with him for just a few moments. And they picked him up and then zipped him up in a bag and it was done like a package. And they put him in the back of the ambulance and drove away. And we walked back to the campsite and we didn't say a word. We didn't speak. And I said to my father, I'm gonna stop by the community bathroom. I feel like I need a moment. And I stopped and I washed my hands for like a good 15 minutes. And like, wash. Washed my hands, like all the way up to the elbow, scrubbing with very hot water, collected myself. I didn't shed a single tear, just didn't even have it in me. That feeling of exhaustion when you can't even pull an emotion. I didn't have one. And I knew that he was gone. I knew he was dead, but I didn't really understand if he died before I got there or after I got there. All I know is I just had my hands on a dead person, a dead stranger, for like the last however many minutes it was. When I arrived at the campsite, I thought that I was going to be welcomed back as somewhat of a hero, a brave, brave little biscuit. And when I walked up, the response I got was, oh, Kelly's back. And as soon as that happened, my aunt emerged from the camper with a bear cake on fire. And they sang Happy Birthday to you. To which I joined in happy what the fuck is going on? Happy birthday. I ate four hot dogs. Four. Not light or reduced fat, like genuine real red snappers you can only get in Maine. I then proceeded to eat cake like it was my job. And no one questioned it, no one criticized. And we didn't say a word about anything that had happened. No one spoke about it. Nowadays if a kid went through something like that, they would be in therapy like the next day. They'd make them draw their feelings, show me on the wall where swear he touched you. Like it would be nothing. I didn't get any of that. Nothing. It was just normal, like a normal day. Like something that just happened and we all just kind of moved on. To this day, we've never spoken about it, but what I can tell you is this. This experience has made me realize that there's nothing I can't overcome with a delicious piece of chocolate on chocolate bear cake. Than.

ABC Network Advertiser (19:39)

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So a couple of days when his daughter moves back in. The last time you walked out that door, you looked back at me and gave me a double bird.

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I was 18. The double bird was how I ended all our conversations.

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Kelly McFarland (22:48)

Let me go. I don't wanna be your hero. I don't wanna be a Big man I just wanna fight with everyone else you're masquerade I don't wanna be a part of your parade Everyone deserves a chance to walk with everyone else.

ABC Network Advertiser (23:23)

While.

Kelly McFarland (23:23)

Holding down I tried to keep my girl around Maybe buy me some new strings and her night out on the weekend.

Kevin Allison (23:40)

This is family of the year behind me now. And we're only a couple days into this year and in just a few weeks, our school@thestorystudio.org will be unveiling our brand new video course, Storytelling for Business. I am so proud of this course. I have never put together an educational tool quite this thorough and practical and hands on. It is absolutely essential for anyone with a career. So stay tuned for more news about our upcoming video course, storytelling for Business. Now, as you may already know, I am a passionate lover of the human voice. And our next storyteller has an extraordinary voice, not just in terms of vocal cords, but in terms of his personality. I can promise you you will be hearing more of him here. This is Dave Ross. You can find him@davedheross.com he's at the risk Live show in Los Angeles telling this story that we call Dave had sex.

Kelly McFarland (24:56)

So let me go I don't wanna be your.

ABC Network Advertiser (25:13)

A couple days after I lost my virginity, my girlfriend called and thanked my friend James, which is true. And I also thanked him profusely because he, like, he saved my ass. You saved both of our asses. But he saved me twice in the span of two days. It was incredible. Here's what happened. I lost my virginity when I was in high school. And it's not because I was like a cool person or something. It's not like I had a lot of friends. It's not because I, you know, hooked up with a lot of girls or really talked to them at all. I was very much like. Like I was, you know, nerdy and reserved and like, I'm scared of you. Okay? Like maybe, maybe from a distance I might be. You're attracted. You're gone already. Okay? I don't know how to talk to women later on in my life. Maybe I'll write you a song and put it in your locker and cry. Like, that's kind of the way that I handled my life. I don't know how you put a song in a locker, but everything's metaphorical in high school. I guess I'm just like, how can I give you all my emotions? I know what, I'll buy you 19 presents. You know what I mean? I'm that type of Guy. So I. Sex was not gonna happen for me organically. I didn't go to parties. And I don't mean my girlfriend was a robot. I just meant, like, I wasn't just gonna meet someone and then, like, have sex. I still don't know how people do that. That sounds fucking crazy to me. But I met this girl in theater, so thanks. And we dated for nine months. Did a lot of kissing, mouths closed, holding hands, things like that. Especially since she had told me she'd had a traumatizing blowjob experience with her last boyfriend. So, you know, we did a lot of hugging. And the relationship was a lot like Bible camp, except there were just two of us and we didn't fuck. So it was nothing like Bible camp. Like, I didn't have a Catholic family. Like, a very, like, stringently. But my grandparents were all stringently religious. So I grew up in this environment where it was like. It was sort of taught to me, like, the women did not want to have sex. They did not like it. So I sort of, like, was hands off anyway. Like, I don't want to do anything you don't want to do. You know, we can just hang out. It's cool. You're pretty. I'm into that. That's enough for me. So I didn't think I needed any of that. But then, like, nine months or a year into our relationship, Jen, my girlfriend, just said, hey, do you want to have sex? I was like, yes, Yes. I. Oh, God, yes, I do. Yes. I had no idea I wanted it so badly. The one thing I did have in. In school that made me kind of, like, cool or like passable or like, not face punchable, you know what I mean? Was my friend James, he, like. I don't know. He was just like a really confident asshole. Like a funny New York asshole. And he loved me and he always backed me up. So I sort of like. That helped me in school a lot. I don't know why he loved me. I guess. Cause I was like a quiet sass mouth. Like, I would hide behind him and be like, that guy's a dick. And he'd be like, dave's funny. James was also. He was also obsessed with sex. But he was so such a vicarious person. He was just really obsessed with his friends having sex. Sex. This is the type of guy James was. There was this guy that we. That was always an asshole to us through all of school. We hated him, but we had to give him a ride home one day. We were all virgins. And James, like, I'm saying like so obsessed with people not being a virgin anymore. I guess I was too. I mean, who wasn't? This kid gets in the car with us and he starts telling us how he lost his virginity that weekend. And this kid was very thin, but he had been fat in elementary school. And James didn't like him so he just called him fat, if that makes sense. So this guy says, yeah, I had sex with her in my mom's Mercury cougar. It was fucking cramped in there. And James says, yeah, then she got in. So that's the kind of guy, he was just a real sass mouth. So anyway, Jen, you know, basically proposes to me. There should have been a ring. I was so excited. But my family was very strict. Like they weren't religious, but they were very like conservative. And her family was very catholic. So we couldn't just like close the door to one of our bedrooms. We had to hatch a plan, a serious like multi step plan. And we, we enlisted James help. And he was like, dude, fuck yeah. He was so on board, it was amazing. Here's the plan. He was gonna show up at my house, pick me up to take myself and my girlfriend to a movie while he was distracting my mother. My mom loved him, he was a real charmer. He would distract my mom, I would go up into the attic, steal my parents tent, throw it in James's car. See you later mom, we're going to see a movie. That's step one of the plan. And that went off without a hitch. I got the tent, threw it in there. James like hit on my mom for 15 minutes. It's basically what he did. We got in the car and drove off. Now's when it gets complicated because Jen's family, like I said, very catholic. Not only is her family Catholic though, her father, he fucked with me so hard. I actually saw him a few years ago and he was super nice to, I was like, why are you being nice to me? And he was like, cause you're not trying to fuck my daughter. I was like, oh, that's right. That makes sense. So this day, this was the day that he picked to do this. I went up to the door, knocked on the door, it creaked open and all I see standing in the doorway is Jen's dad wearing only a wife beater T shirt and boxer shorts, holding a shotgun, cocked the shotgun, stared at me and said, come on in Dave. This is him staring at me by the way, and me staring back at him, just like hi. And I walked by him, found Jen and like shaking the whole time, kind of. Yeah, no, yeah, moving. See you later. And then walked out the door. But we escaped successfully. Step two, done. Then James drives us and drops us off in the woods behind my old middle school. We walk half a mile into the woods, set up the tent, and have sex for four hours. We planned for him to leave us there for four hours. Think about this. Like, that's. We are not only inexperienced, but so careful. Like, half a mile into the woods, set up a tent so what the fucking birds can't watch, you know, like, who's gonna. And then we need four hours just to make sure. It might take a little while. This is my first time getting rid of a boner in my entire life after all. Oh, sir. Oh. So anyway, like I said, four hours. In four hours, we had sex two times. There was one orgasm. I had it. Not to brag. So awkward. Oh, my God. Such an awkward experience. And I actually didn't shoot quickly. I was so nervous. There are all these gems that came out of her mouth. At one point she said, not there. That was something. She said. I didn't know what I was doing. She also said at one point, we don't have to do this again, do we? And I was like, no. God, I'm sorry. At one point I was like, I, like, totally lost my erection. And I was just like panicking and shaking and stuff. And she goes, oh, my God, are you okay? What's wrong? And I fired this out. I'm just so happy. She was like, oh, yeah, thank you. That's a victory for me. We finished, packed everything up, you know, got our clothes on, stood up, walked out, stood on the street, holding our tent, holding hands, huge smiles on our faces. Early as me, I don't know. James came and picked us up right on time. We're like, all right, we're gonna drop Jen off first because this is gonna be. This is gonna be the hard one. We go to her parents house, drop her off. Right as we walk in the front door, I realize that Jen and I have muddy footprints and like leaves all over our shoes. And James does not. And so I start to fucking panic so bad. And really there are so many possible explanations for that. Like we could have gone puddle jumping, you know, like, there are so many. It didn't have to be that. We were in the woods having sex. How could he possibly even guess that? There's no way that you could guess that. But still, I'm like, he definitely knows. He knows I'm standing there just like It's a very quiet. Oh, yeah, no, we love the movie. It was Great. Ninja Turtles 3. Yeah. Completing the trilogy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Loved it. I don't know if that was the movie at all. I was just so afraid in my head, just like, damn it. James, being a great friend, notices that I'm panicking and notices that I'm probably gonna buckle at any moment and just yell out, have sex with your daughter. Like, it was probably just what I was gonna do. So as Jen's father is grilling me and I'm like shaking and about to start crying, James just looks at him and just to like change the subject, goes, hey, asshole. And her and her dad luckily chose to deal with this with humor. He couldn't believe that like a 16 year old kid just called him an asshole for no reason. He was just like, what? Why would. All right, well, you're gonna get it, son. And he pulls his belt off to act like he's gonna, like, you know, he's gonna pretend whip the kid. But then he just whipped him in the nuts accidentally. He just whipped him straight in the balls. And James crumpled to the floor like. But it saved my life. I was like, oh, God, I gotta get him to a hospital. This is horrific. You're a monster, sir. Oh, man. Jen, thank you. Thank you very much, Jen. I picked James up and we got out of there. I was safe then. The next day was school again. It was Monday. And like I said, I was way more into not being a virgin than I thought I was. I, like, on the bus on the way to school, I was just like, I am the man. No more problems for me. Everyone's gonna know just by the sheer confidence emanating from my body that I am not a virgin any. Everyone's gonna be asking me. Everyone's gonna want to know how it was. I'm gonna rule this fucking school, man. I'm gonna be the coolest. And then like five periods went by and no one brought it up at all. It was such bullshit. I was like, what's the point of having sex if no one knows? This sucks, man. But then sixth period rolls around. I'm walking downstairs toward the lunchroom, and this bully that had been picking on me that year comes right around the corner, grabs me on the collar and says, where the fuck are you going, faggot? Right in my face. And I'm just like, oh, God. Oh, God. But then out of nowhere, like a white knight, James jumps over my shoulder, pushes the dude and says, hey, back the fuck off, man. Dave had sex. I still thank him for that. Thank you so much to the rest of the show.

Kelly McFarland (38:13)

Problems banging out when I hit the street.

Kevin Allison (38:36)

That is all for this week, my friends. This is Battle Me behind me now. Submit your own stories to us at the submissions page at our site. Follow us on Twitter and Facebook RiskShow. Follow me on Twitter hekevinalison Comment on us Please comment on us at itunes. Those comments on itunes raise our profile there. We're always open to hearing suggestions from our fans on how to improve our business. If you have ideas to send us about marketing or publicity or merchandise or whatever it might be, write to me at kevinrisk-show.com Stay tuned for more information about the new All Star episode, about the new storytelling for business video course we're going to have coming out, and about my birthday hangout online for Risk fans coming up on February 16th. We'll have more information about all of that very soon. Folks, today's the day. Take a risk.

Kelly McFarland (40:27)

Every time.

Kevin Allison (40:32)

Because both of Tador cannot do this.