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How can you not be funny crawling around on a coffin? Yeah, that's true. Catch Only Murders in the Building Official Podcast now streaming wherever you get your podcasts and watch Only Murders in Building Streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus for bundle subscribers terms apply. Now here's the show. Hello folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, this is spoke behind me now and we're calling this week's episode Shit Happens Stories about wastefulness, evacuations and nature. Calling now, folks. The next few weeks of Risk episodes will feature guest hosts. Members of the Risk staff will be sitting in for me while I vacate my New York apartment, fly to Bangkok, and begin searching for a condo to be renting there. And once I'm in there, I can start the hosting episodes myself again. And this episode is coming out on September 16, 2025, which means there's still plenty of time to get tickets for the New York Risk Live show at caveat on September 25th. Our storytellers shem Star Stone and Ezra Holmland, and my better half in terms of running Risk, JC Cassis will be hosting that night. JC has been on a real roll lately, hosting and performing in the Electric Moon Cabaret and Burlesque Showdowntown, so it'll be fun to have her host a Risk Live show also. And you could tell a five minute story on the theme. And then it got weird. We'll have some audience members jumping in to share short stories that night too. So again, it's September 25th and tickets are at risk-show.com live. Now in a little bit, we're going to hear from Rachel Frost and Luke Euler. But first, a story from me at the previous Risk Live show at Caveat in New York City. I can't wait to share this one with my family. By the way for reasons that you'll soon find out. But if any of them have any problems with it, smacking me upside the head probably won't be much of an option, because by the time they hear it, I'll probably be overseas. So without further ado, here I am with a story we call the Pickles Pickle. So this is about how, when I was a kid, I had not been diagnosed with adhd. I didn't know that was a thing, right? And my family didn't either. But my family did know that I had this habit of doing or saying things that would cause one or two or whatever members of my family to say, kevin, what the hell could you possibly have been thinking? And I would have a hard time explaining what the hell I could have possibly been thinking when I did this or that. And there's one particular incident that my family sees as the archetypal moment of that, that they remind me of every Christmas or every time I go home to Ohio. And this is the story of how that happened. So in 1988, I was 18 years old, and my parents couldn't afford to get me into the dorms at nyu. So instead they suggested, oh, my gosh, we could save a lot of money if we sent you to live in this little cruddy tenement apartment, this hole in the wall apartment that your older brother, who's about six years older than you, is living in near Coney Island. His little drunken bachelor pad, which was mostly decorated with beer cans, and you could live there while you're going to nyu. And so I was a little daunted. You know, my brother Dave is a sweetheart. He went into a program and he was making amends. And he called me and was like, kev, I just wanted to make amends with you. Is there anything I should make amends with you about? I was like, I don't think so. Dave. We've always gotten along great. He was like, okay, great, great, great. So, yes, to explain that, yes, it was an apartment that was mostly decorated with beer cans. And I remember Dave used to say, I mean, we couldn't afford much food, and he would say this Guinness that we're drinking all the time. There's probably more nutrients in this than anything we could afford anyway. And there was no Google, so we couldn't really fact check, and we're too drunk to go to the library or anything, so we just went with that. Now, I'll tell you, it was exciting being in New York City, but also daunting. I was his little gay Brother who was only 18 years old, and he was, you know, in his mid-20s, and he was trying to get it on with the ladies and everything. And I was just like, I don't want to be in his way, you know? And he gave me this speech when I arrived. He was like, no, I don't buy groceries often, Kev, but when I do, you gotta ask me about anything I put in that fridge, if you can have some of it. And one day he came home with a bag of stuff. And I opened the fridge. I was all excited to see what I might get away with. And there was this giant jar, like a giant gallon jar of jumbo whole pickles. And that was about the only interesting thing in there. And I just thought, ah, okay. I guess Dave has a thing for giant jumbo hole pickles. All right. So it wasn't very exciting. And I closed the door and just went along my way. I was too preoccupied with beginning film school at nyu. Now, that was even more daunting because everyone at school was from Paris or London or wherever. Like rich kids mostly, right? Who had something to prove to one another about how creative they were. And I was just this kid from Ohio who was there on a bunch of scholarships. And I was just really nervous about proving that I could be funny and creative. So the first class that you could take in 1988 at film school at NYU was called Motion Matter and Meaning. And it was. They had a rule, and it was a rule that was clearly just bold bullshit. Was just clearly NYU being cheap that freshmen could not yet use 16 or 35 millimeter film. We were not ready for big boy film stock, right? We had to use this film stock that's Quite tiny called Super 8. And if you're familiar with, like, documentaries about people in the 60s and 70s, Super 8 was this tiny little film that Kodak created in the mid-50s. It was for home movies. It was for little home movies, right? And the thing was, we learned on, like, day one of class that, oh, yeah, yeah, you're gonna have to find yourself a Super 8 camera. And here's the deal. They do still make that film stock, but they don't still make those cameras. Now, our film teacher was always so happy. Nothing was a problem to him. Everything was so delightful because he had just escaped from the Soviet Union. So Mr. Kandinsky was like, guys, it's no problem. Just go to a pawn shop and look in the dumpster. Well, fortunately, my father found a Super 8 camera at a yard sale and FedExed it. To me. So I was like, oh, God, I got that part down. But then in the second. Second day of film class, Kandinsky told us, oh, there's a couple more things you guys need to know first. These are gonna have to be in camera edits. What that means is that not only was the cameras were kind of obsolete, but there were certainly no editing bays made anymore for Super 8. And so the editing of the films would have to be done by starting and stopping the camera, you know, so you'd have to shoot one shot, and you would only have one take of that one shot. And you would have to make sure that where it ended would be continuous with where when you pressed start again, the next shot would begin. So in other words, it was gonna be the kind of editing that you've known to love from the works of Thomas Edison. So that was stressful, right? And then he let us know. There's also the thing that, you know, you only have, like, three days to get your stuff processed by Kodak and then bring it into class. And NYU only owns one Super 8 projector. So unfortunately, you're all going to have to see your first projects with all the rest of us in class when you're getting your grade. So, oh, my gosh, the pressure was really on. And all the kids were getting together and figuring out, like, I'll work with you. Oh, my gosh, my parents have money. They'll get us this and that. Meanwhile, I didn't know anyone, and I lived way out in Bumfuck, Coney island area. So I was like, oh, God, okay, I'm gonna have to do this all by myself. And here's the thing. An important thing to know about, like, ADHD is it's all about, like, exactly how many frustrating or annoying or boring details can you handle at the same time? And one person being the cast and crew and director of a movie is a lot of details. So I was like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just gonna have to wait a day where Dave is at work, and I'll just schedule it so that I'm gonna shoot this movie at home. It'll just be me making it. I'll be the star. I' I scripted out this story where it was about a guy who looks at his medication bottle and it says, oh, my gosh, if you don't take this medication every day at 3pm sharp, your heart will explode. And then at the end of the movie, there's a twist. You find out, oh, what it really meant is that the bottle will Explode. So really, really high concept comedy here. But I was still excited about it. And I, like, was running around town getting prompts, and I typed down on the typewriter the words that were gonna be on this medication bottle. And the day got more and more intense. Cause it was super hot, we didn't have air conditioning. I would take a shot and then realize, oh, my gosh, that prop isn't working. I've gotta run out and get something else, come back and be like, oh, my gosh, wait, when did that shot end? And how should the next shot begin? And kept going like that until finally I realized, holy shit, I need this shot of this medication bottle. And this particular Super 8 camera my dad bought me is exactly like the Charlie Chaplin cameras in that it has no depth of field, it can only shoot from one distance, it cannot take a close up. So I can't read the medication bottle. This was going to have to be one fucking huge bottle of medication with the instructions written in Sharpie on a piece of paper taped around this bottle. In fact, the bottle would probably be about the size of like a gallon jar of jump. So I was like, that's what I'm gonna do. That's what I'm gonna do. I'll get the pickles. I'll get the pickles. This'll solve the whole problem. So I'm running against the clock now, just like the guy in the movie. Because I figured if Dave comes home and he has a lady friend and I've got the place a mess and pickles everywhere, oh my gosh, it's disaster. So I'm running and running and I realize, holy shit, wait, how am I gonna get rid of these pickles, right? Because this bottle has to explode all over the place somehow. But gotta get rid of the evidence because I can't be having these pickles, you know, Like, I wasn't supposed to touch a thing in the fridge. I was like, I could throw them in the trash. But then, oh, my gosh, no, no. Then it would be like the. The ghosts of pickles past were like, smelling up in the. In the trash over there. And I realized that David hadn't taught me how to get rid of the trash outside of our apartment, how to take it down the elevator and where to go otherwise. So I was like, oh, my gosh, there's gotta be some other way that I get rid of these goddamn pickles. And I was racing against the clock. It was gonna be home any minute. And finally I was having this meltdown moment when I had A eureka moment. Instead, I was like, I know what I'll do. I'll flush these pickles down the toilet. Because pickles are kinda shaped like poop. So I run to the bathroom and I start shoving these things down there. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. Jumbo pickles. And you're probably thinking, did they go down easily? Not at all. No. I had to fist those fucking pickles down that toilet. And of course, it's occurring to me, oh, well, they're not exactly the same consistency as poop, but, you know, I had to stop, finish what I had started. And in fact, I did. I finished what I started. I got the shot. I got everything cleaned up. Dave came home with a lady friend and was none the wiser. And I'll tell you something, I got it to Kodak the next day, and in time for it to be processed for me to take to school. It was funny because so many students had these films where, like, there might be 20 seconds of white or black, you know, like shots that didn't come out. Mine was perfect. Everyone was laughing. Kandinsky loved it. I became a member of the sketch comedy troupe the State, because there were people in that class who were like, this guy's really funny. Let's invite him to do stuff with us. So I got so drunk that night to celebrate my victory, and I came home and. And all was not well at home. Dave was very sweaty and half dressed, and coming out of the bathroom, he was like, kev, something really stopped up that toilet. Did you give birth to a haggis in there? Cause we're a Scottish family. But no. I said, oh, no, no. I have no idea what that could possibly be be. Well, it was not easy. Dave kept trying everything, like hangers and plungers and everything, and nothing was working. The landlord did not want to get a plumber. We were using other people's bathrooms for a couple of days. It was kind of horrifying. And the whole time I was like, this is all my fault. But Dave will be none the wiser. Until finally Dave was like, all right, I will pay for a plumber. So the plumber comes over, and we're both home at this time, and the plumber is this really happy, boisterous Italian guy. He's got this giant, like, roto rooter snake thing that can go down to the center of the earth practically. He's like, oh, yeah, this thing could break through anything. And we're like, oh, my gosh. And, you know, the two straight guys had a fun Talk about equipment for a while. Then he starts really plunging in there. And he's like, wow. Yeah, there is something really, really tough down there. I feel like I'm breaking through a cow. And he's plunging and plunging until finally he says, oh, my God, look at this. This is interesting. And he bends down, and with his gloved hand, he pulls out of the toilet this little, like, chunk of something that kind of looks like greenish vegetable matter. And he says, look at this. This kind of looks like it's a part of a pickle. And then he says, well, now look at that. And now dozens and dozens of chunks of pickle were floating to the surface of the toilet. He was like, yeah, that's definitely pickles. And my brother said, huh? Because I noticed that a giant jumbo jar of pickles that I bought last week was missing today. And that's when I said, oh, yeah, this could be from when I flush those pickles. My brother said, you flushed them? I said, yeah, yeah. Now that you mention it, does seem to be that he's like, aha. Wow. Yeah. And meanwhile, the plumber is, like, amazed I couldn't explain what I had done. Right. It was just one of those moments. And so my brother's frustration with me that night, just like his mind was blown. Who the hell flushes a bunch of pickles down the toilet? And then it just became family lore, you know? But after I was diagnosed several years ago, I began to learn that when people with ADHD have just a fuck ton of details that don't interest them or are kind of annoying or downright boring or whatever and get overwhelmed by it all, sometimes critical consciousness just kind of slumps over in the driver's seat and the subconscious grabs the wheel. And, you know, the subconscious often has ideas that are rather special. So now I know how I can explain that story to my family. And I have to say, if you ever find yourself in that situation where you're thinking, oh, shit, I don't know how to explain what I just did. Here, give a little toast in the weird part of your brain to me not with a drink, but with a pickle. I love pickles.
