Eric Hoofnagle (3:18)
Hello. So growing up, I was always a chubby kid. But as I grew, chubby became fat, and fat became obese. And by the time I was 18 years old, I was 310 pounds. Nice round number, nice round existence. And it didn't come as a surprise. I mean, I had a really bad diet when I was growing up. I thought a great snack was melted cheese. I thought a healthy snack was a banana cut up in a bowl with about two cups of whipped cream. Healthy. And when I got a little older, you know, while kids were drinking beer and wine at parties, I was drinking Baileys. And not just shots of Baileys. No, no, no. Bottles of Bailey's. And also, I was that kid who only wore exclusively sweatpants and T shirts with dragons on them. Yeah, I was a virgin for a while. So it shouldn't have come as such a giant surprise when one day, after taking my fourth giant shit of the day, looking in the bowl and finding copious amount of blood. Oh, yeah, I know, right? That was my reaction. So after building up the confidence to go to my parents and tell them I was shitting blood at 18 years old, we went to my physician, who had been my physician my whole life, so he was technically my pediatrician. Yeah. And he told me I had to go in for a colonoscopy. And that's where they put a camera right up your butthole. Take a look around. So the day of the procedure, I went in and left my mom in the waiting room. And the small, very angry nurse took me back to the preparation station. Once she got me back to the room, she said, take off your clothes and put them in the basket. So I. She left, which was nice. I took off my sweatpants and my T shirt, so it didn't take long. And I donned the traditional gown, the nice paper thin gown of surgical procedures. And I laid down on the little, I don't know, gurney, and I was expecting her to come back in. And instead, in came Nurse Amy. Oh, yeah, I know. Have you seen her? Huh? Nurse Amy was smoking hot. I was 18 years old, you know, chubby, zitty, nerd. So this tall, thin, blonde, young, covered in makeup young woman comes in, and she comes in to check out my veins to put in the tubes for easy drug Access. So she's feeling my veins. Yeah. I wasn't much for conversation at this point because I was mainly focusing on not getting an erection because had been a problem in the past, even just going to, you know, the orthodontist to get my braces tightened. You know, the assistant would brush by and her breasts would brush my head and, you know, but at least there I had, you know, that little, like, table of tools just like right over it. So it just, just hit it. And that was good. No one knew except for me. So the only thing inhibiting my penis at this point was a thin paper sheet of gown. So I was very nervous and I think that saved me because luckily she did not encourage an erection. But after she had rigged up my hand with all the tubes, she gave me a People magazine to keep me nice and entertained as she wheeled me back to the operating room. This was about the time where Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were just getting together. So they were front center with their giant white smiles and their Scientology. And that was just about the last couple I wanted to see before I went into, you know, get my asshole probed for being fat. So Tom's psycho smile. So I tossed that down just in time to see the last patient being wheeled out of the room. And he looked like shit. He was on his side snoring loudly with his ass right out, just right where I could see it, you know, middle aged, about the age you're supposed to be when you're getting a colonoscopy. And as he was wheeled out, out came two nurses following him with two giant jugs of brown liquid. Oh, yeah, this is gonna be fun. So nurse Amy wheels me into this room and it's that, you know, classic white sterile environment and classical music playing, which I suppose was supposed to be comforting or calming, but I was getting a total like, Patrick Bateman sort of vibe from this area, and it was not good. So she stops me there in front of the little monitor, little screen for looking at buttholes, and she walks over to the little table where they've got a little book, which I peeked over, and it was a picture book of colons of varying different diseases. So that was nice. I was hoping I wasn't going to be admitted to that book. Next thing I know, in comes the doctor with his, you know, silver hair in a ponytail and his nice groomed beard and his vest. And he's way too fucking excited about this procedure. Way too excited. He comes in, he's like, oh, afternoon, ladies. It's just me and Nurse Amy. I don't know if that helped him in some way. Yeah. So I'm comfortable. And he starts hitting on Nurse Amy harder than I was. Eventually, you know, making his way over to me, asking me about graduating high school. What did I do? Nothing. And then he tells me about what he did. And it was go down to New Mexico with a couple bottles of tequila and his buddies. I'm like, cool. Yeah. Still very excited. And as I'm telling him about graduation, he starts to inject me with a wonderful solution. It's called Propofol. It's this white, milky gift from the gods. They call it milk of amnesia because in small amounts, it's meant to put you in a state of lucidity, to take commands but not remember shit. So it's basically a really potent date rape drug. It's also what killed Michael Jackson. So I know I just dropped it down a little bit. I'm fine. So he starts injecting me with this shit. And he's obvious he's dealt with this a lot because he goes, as I'm telling him a story, I start to slur my words and disappear a little. And he goes, you feel that? Yeah. I think this guy recreationally used this shit. So I said, say yeah. And he says, okay, well, roll over on your side, exposing my ass. And I was all too willing. So I was on cloud nine, and I looked over at the gas tanks and their letters and numbers started to swirl off and float around the room. And then everything went dark. But I don't think they realized how large I was because they didn't give me enough. And I remember, plenty good for you guys, right? So next thing I remember is the doctors dimming the lights. Romantic. And he opens the door and in walk. Way too many people for this procedure. I think they must have been students or something, or maybe his buddies, his bros. They all come in and there's that fucking classical music playing. So it's like he's hip, probing my ass is like becoming the scene from 2001 A Space Odyssey, so. So normally it would be really embarrassing to be in a nice dim room having your asshole probed with a bunch of strangers there. And classical music playing. But I was high as fuck, and this was my stage, and this audience had front row seats to the best show in the world, my colon. So I started hamming it up, telling jokes. At least I think I was telling jokes because they were laughing a lot. And meanwhile, my mom is in the waiting room and she can hear all this. And she later told me it was pretty strange to hear an entire room of people cackling in the, you know, colonoscopy ward. And I'm also flirting with nurse Amy with a newfound confidence. I'm like, well, Amy, what are you doing? She's shoving shit in my ass. I mean, obviously I've gotten in, so she's down. Then the other effect of Propofol starts to take effect. And that's intense hallucination, which you're usually supposed to sleep through. So I got to experience this wonderful part. And, you know, things are swimming around the room. Voices are flowing over me like warm water. And my attention goes to the screen, which is a view inside of me at this point. And there's something in there, something at the end of that tunnel, and it's moving out, and it's not shit. I knew that right away. And so I was like, God, why don't these people notice this? There's something coming out of there. And so as it's slowly pushing out, it starts to pass the screen, and now it's floating into the room, and then it floats right past my head. And it's Tom Cruise's face from the fucking People magazine with his fucking.
