The Best of Funny Stuff #6

Summary

Podcast Summary: RISK! – The Best of Funny Stuff #6

Release Date: November 21, 2024
Host: Kevin Allison
Episode Title: The Best of Funny Stuff #6

---

Introduction

In this special episode of RISK!, host Kevin Allison curates some of the most hilarious and unforgettable stories from earlier seasons. Titled The Best of Funny Stuff #6, this episode promises a rollercoaster of laughter and unexpected revelations, much like the daring tales the show is renowned for. Skipping over the usual advertisements and introductory segments, the episode delves straight into two standout stories: Eric Hoofnagle's "Milk of Amnesia" and Paula Pazdurka's amusing yet poignant recounting of her college experiences.

---

Story 1: Eric Hoofnagle – "Milk of Amnesia" [03:18 - 19:59]

Eric Hoofnagle kicks off the episode with a candid and humorous narrative about his harrowing yet hilarious experience undergoing a colonoscopy at the age of 18. Battling obesity and unhealthy habits, Eric finds himself facing a daunting medical procedure that unexpectedly turns into a comedy of errors, courtesy of the potent sedative Propofol.

Key Highlights:

• Early Struggles and Health Scare:
  Eric opens up about his childhood obesity and poor dietary choices, leading to a shocking moment at age 18 when he discovers blood in his stool during an unusually intense bathroom visit.

  "And by the time I was 18 years old, I was 310 pounds. Nice round number, nice round existence." [03:18]

• Colonoscopy Comedy:
  The procedure becomes the centerpiece of his story as Eric humorously describes his interactions with the attractive Nurse Amy and the overly enthusiastic doctor. His attempts to remain composed while combating unexpected physical reactions add layers of comedy.

  "Nurse Amy was smoking hot. I was 18 years old, you know, chubby, zitty, nerd." [03:18]

• Under the Influence of Propofol:
  Eric's account of being administered Propofol—referred to as the "Milk of Amnesia"—leads to vivid hallucinations and awkward yet funny scenarios, including his imagined interactions with celebrities like Cheech Marin and surreal visions involving Tom Cruise's face.

  "There's something coming out of there. And so I was like, God, why don't these people notice this?" [15:45]

• Aftermath and Weight Loss:
  Despite the terrifying experience, Eric humorously ties it to his eventual weight loss, pondering if the intense sedation might have played a role.

  "So in the end, I did lose most of the weight and the problem just went away. I wonder if they were connected in some way." [19:21]

Notable Quotes:

• "Propofol... it's a really potent date rape drug. It's also what killed Michael Jackson." [12:50]
• "I was high as fuck, and this was my stage, and this audience had front row seats to the best show in the world, my colon." [16:32]

---

Story 2: Paula Pazdurka – A Quest for Understanding [23:45 - 40:36]

Following Eric's tale, Paula Pazdurka takes the microphone to unravel her quirky and relatable journey through high school and college, grappling with limited sex education and a bizarre pact that leaves her yearning for answers.

Key Highlights:

• Misguided Sex Education:
  Paula reflects on her Catholic upbringing and the outdated materials that left her perplexed about human anatomy and sexual health.

  "I thought a vagina looked like an onion slice or a sad waffle. The penis... looked like a sad wilting flower that never bloomed." [23:45]

• The Unconventional Pact:
  Paula narrates a night filled with alcohol, leading to a strange agreement with Ewan, a fellow student, to share a fleeting, forbidden glimpse of his uncircumcised penis at midnight.

  "I'm going to knock three times, you will open the door, you will look at my penis for 10 seconds, you will close the door, and we will never speak of it again." [34:07]

• Moral Dilemma and Regret:
  Battling her curiosity and moral concerns, Paula ultimately decides not to honor the pact, leading to guilt and a series of humorous yet awkward consequences, including incoming unsolicited images and a realization about the complexities of human desire and ethical boundaries.

  "I wish I could see an uncircumcised penis. And then he did come that night at midnight, knock three times, and I did not open the door." [34:32]

• Life Lessons:
  Paula concludes with a reflective note on regret and the importance of making choices aligned with one's values, underscored by the absurdity of her youthful decisions.

  "So my advice to you is never live with regrets." [40:07]

Notable Quotes:

• "A penis is like a baby's arm in a winter jumpsuit... it still works." [26:15]
• "You are a good person. Thank you." [34:30]
• "Never live with regrets." [40:07]

---

Conclusion

Kevin Allison wraps up the episode by highlighting the richness of The Best of Funny Stuff, emphasizing that while these stories are uproariously funny, they also carry underlying truths about human vulnerabilities and the lengths we go to in pursuit of understanding ourselves and others.

"Today's the day. Take a risk." [40:36]

Listeners are encouraged to explore more episodes, featuring a wide array of true stories ranging from comedy to true crime, ensuring that there's always something new and engaging waiting at risk-show.com.

---

Final Thoughts

The Best of Funny Stuff #6 masterfully balances humor with heartfelt moments, showcasing the essence of RISK! – revealing that behind every daring story lies a slice of genuine human experience. Whether it's Eric's medical misadventure or Paula's quest for anatomical clarity, each tale serves as a reminder of the unpredictable and often hilarious nature of life's risks.

Transcript

[Advertiser 1]

The DSW Black Friday sale is on. Take 30% off almost everything in stores and online right now. Yep, you heard that right. 30% off. Stock up on new shoes, bags and extras for you and yours from all the gift worthy brands you love. But hurry. Black Friday can't last forever. Get to your DSW store or dsw.com asap to save big exclusions. Apply [e-mail].

[Advertiser 2]

When it comes to hiring, don't search for a great talent match with them. Thanks to Indeed. Indeed is your matching and hiring platform with over 350 million global monthly visitors, according to Indeed data, and a matching engine that helps you find qualified candidates fast. And Indeed doesn't just help you hire faster. 93% of employers agree Indeed delivers the highest quality matches compared to other job sites, according to a recent Indeed survey, leveraging over 140 million qualifications and preferences every day. Indeed's matching engine is constantly learning from your preferences, so the more you use Indeed the better it gets. Join more than 3.5 million businesses worldwide that use Indeed to hire great talent fast. Just go to indeed.com listen right now and listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit. To get your jobs more visibility, go to indeed.com listen and tell them you heard about them from this podcast. Terms and conditions apply.

[Advertiser 3]

Today's podcast is sponsored by Midi Health. At any given time, 61% of adult women say they want to lose weight, but for many, that's easier said than done. If you've had trouble losing weight, don't lose hope. Midi Health uses a deep understanding of women's hormones and a combination of weight loss medications to create a customized plan for each user. Midi Health can help you achieve more effective and sustainable weight loss by addressing hormone imbalances. MIDI can also prescribe proven weight loss medications that help you experience reduced appetite and increased feelings of fullness. When paired with hormone optimization, you're not just managing your weight, you're also supporting your body's natural processes, which means you can overcome those weight loss plateaus that in the past have been so difficult to move beyond. So if you're ready to combine the power of hormones with the power of weight loss medications, visit joinmidi.com today. Discover how this innovative approach can lead you to lasting success. That's join midi.com.

[Kevin Allison]

Hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and every Thursday we release special episodes where we look back at content from the earlier years of the podcast this week. It's the best of funny stuff. Number six. In a little bit, we're going to hear from Paula Pazdurka. But first, a story from Eric Hoofnagle. Here's Eric now with a story we call the Milk of Amnesia.

[Eric Hoofnagle]

Hello. So growing up, I was always a chubby kid. But as I grew, chubby became fat, and fat became obese. And by the time I was 18 years old, I was 310 pounds. Nice round number, nice round existence. And it didn't come as a surprise. I mean, I had a really bad diet when I was growing up. I thought a great snack was melted cheese. I thought a healthy snack was a banana cut up in a bowl with about two cups of whipped cream. Healthy. And when I got a little older, you know, while kids were drinking beer and wine at parties, I was drinking Baileys. And not just shots of Baileys. No, no, no. Bottles of Bailey's. And also, I was that kid who only wore exclusively sweatpants and T shirts with dragons on them. Yeah, I was a virgin for a while. So it shouldn't have come as such a giant surprise when one day, after taking my fourth giant shit of the day, looking in the bowl and finding copious amount of blood. Oh, yeah, I know, right? That was my reaction. So after building up the confidence to go to my parents and tell them I was shitting blood at 18 years old, we went to my physician, who had been my physician my whole life, so he was technically my pediatrician. Yeah. And he told me I had to go in for a colonoscopy. And that's where they put a camera right up your butthole. Take a look around. So the day of the procedure, I went in and left my mom in the waiting room. And the small, very angry nurse took me back to the preparation station. Once she got me back to the room, she said, take off your clothes and put them in the basket. So I. She left, which was nice. I took off my sweatpants and my T shirt, so it didn't take long. And I donned the traditional gown, the nice paper thin gown of surgical procedures. And I laid down on the little, I don't know, gurney, and I was expecting her to come back in. And instead, in came Nurse Amy. Oh, yeah, I know. Have you seen her? Huh? Nurse Amy was smoking hot. I was 18 years old, you know, chubby, zitty, nerd. So this tall, thin, blonde, young, covered in makeup young woman comes in, and she comes in to check out my veins to put in the tubes for easy drug Access. So she's feeling my veins. Yeah. I wasn't much for conversation at this point because I was mainly focusing on not getting an erection because had been a problem in the past, even just going to, you know, the orthodontist to get my braces tightened. You know, the assistant would brush by and her breasts would brush my head and, you know, but at least there I had, you know, that little, like, table of tools just like right over it. So it just, just hit it. And that was good. No one knew except for me. So the only thing inhibiting my penis at this point was a thin paper sheet of gown. So I was very nervous and I think that saved me because luckily she did not encourage an erection. But after she had rigged up my hand with all the tubes, she gave me a People magazine to keep me nice and entertained as she wheeled me back to the operating room. This was about the time where Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were just getting together. So they were front center with their giant white smiles and their Scientology. And that was just about the last couple I wanted to see before I went into, you know, get my asshole probed for being fat. So Tom's psycho smile. So I tossed that down just in time to see the last patient being wheeled out of the room. And he looked like shit. He was on his side snoring loudly with his ass right out, just right where I could see it, you know, middle aged, about the age you're supposed to be when you're getting a colonoscopy. And as he was wheeled out, out came two nurses following him with two giant jugs of brown liquid. Oh, yeah, this is gonna be fun. So nurse Amy wheels me into this room and it's that, you know, classic white sterile environment and classical music playing, which I suppose was supposed to be comforting or calming, but I was getting a total like, Patrick Bateman sort of vibe from this area, and it was not good. So she stops me there in front of the little monitor, little screen for looking at buttholes, and she walks over to the little table where they've got a little book, which I peeked over, and it was a picture book of colons of varying different diseases. So that was nice. I was hoping I wasn't going to be admitted to that book. Next thing I know, in comes the doctor with his, you know, silver hair in a ponytail and his nice groomed beard and his vest. And he's way too fucking excited about this procedure. Way too excited. He comes in, he's like, oh, afternoon, ladies. It's just me and Nurse Amy. I don't know if that helped him in some way. Yeah. So I'm comfortable. And he starts hitting on Nurse Amy harder than I was. Eventually, you know, making his way over to me, asking me about graduating high school. What did I do? Nothing. And then he tells me about what he did. And it was go down to New Mexico with a couple bottles of tequila and his buddies. I'm like, cool. Yeah. Still very excited. And as I'm telling him about graduation, he starts to inject me with a wonderful solution. It's called Propofol. It's this white, milky gift from the gods. They call it milk of amnesia because in small amounts, it's meant to put you in a state of lucidity, to take commands but not remember shit. So it's basically a really potent date rape drug. It's also what killed Michael Jackson. So I know I just dropped it down a little bit. I'm fine. So he starts injecting me with this shit. And he's obvious he's dealt with this a lot because he goes, as I'm telling him a story, I start to slur my words and disappear a little. And he goes, you feel that? Yeah. I think this guy recreationally used this shit. So I said, say yeah. And he says, okay, well, roll over on your side, exposing my ass. And I was all too willing. So I was on cloud nine, and I looked over at the gas tanks and their letters and numbers started to swirl off and float around the room. And then everything went dark. But I don't think they realized how large I was because they didn't give me enough. And I remember, plenty good for you guys, right? So next thing I remember is the doctors dimming the lights. Romantic. And he opens the door and in walk. Way too many people for this procedure. I think they must have been students or something, or maybe his buddies, his bros. They all come in and there's that fucking classical music playing. So it's like he's hip, probing my ass is like becoming the scene from 2001 A Space Odyssey, so. So normally it would be really embarrassing to be in a nice dim room having your asshole probed with a bunch of strangers there. And classical music playing. But I was high as fuck, and this was my stage, and this audience had front row seats to the best show in the world, my colon. So I started hamming it up, telling jokes. At least I think I was telling jokes because they were laughing a lot. And meanwhile, my mom is in the waiting room and she can hear all this. And she later told me it was pretty strange to hear an entire room of people cackling in the, you know, colonoscopy ward. And I'm also flirting with nurse Amy with a newfound confidence. I'm like, well, Amy, what are you doing? She's shoving shit in my ass. I mean, obviously I've gotten in, so she's down. Then the other effect of Propofol starts to take effect. And that's intense hallucination, which you're usually supposed to sleep through. So I got to experience this wonderful part. And, you know, things are swimming around the room. Voices are flowing over me like warm water. And my attention goes to the screen, which is a view inside of me at this point. And there's something in there, something at the end of that tunnel, and it's moving out, and it's not shit. I knew that right away. And so I was like, God, why don't these people notice this? There's something coming out of there. And so as it's slowly pushing out, it starts to pass the screen, and now it's floating into the room, and then it floats right past my head. And it's Tom Cruise's face from the fucking People magazine with his fucking.

[Advertiser 4]

Stark.

[Eric Hoofnagle]

White smile, that psycho smile. And I think, I need to let these people know what's going on. So I distinctly remember pointing and yelling, there's a little man in there. And everyone laughed and I passed out. I guess it was a little too much for me. So the next memory I have is coming to as a brand new nurse is pushing me out of the room, and she's wheeling me to the recovery area, and she's saying, you know, you're gonna have a little excess gas. And before she can finish her sentence, I lift the blanket with my excess gas, not very concerned with being charming at that point. And she stops, And I look over, and sitting next to me is Cheech Marin. And not just any Cheech Marin. It's Cheech Marin directly from up in smoke. And so he's got his little beanie on and his little tank top and his suspenders, and he's like, hey, how you doing? And I'm like, it's not all right, Cheech. And then he. He ripples, and it's. It's my mom. My mom looks nothing like Cheech Marin. So she's consoling me. Everything will be okay. And I'm like, no, it won't. And then her face, like, slides off her skull, and I pass out again. So then I came to again the doctor is there talking to my mom, and I can kind of make out what they're saying. And he's saying, well, we didn't figure it out, so we're gonna have to reschedule. Yeah, right. I guess he liked me. And eventually I was able to get up, and my mom, you know, I'm like a foot taller than my mom or two, and she's leading me out of the hospital. My hospital visit concludes with me dancing past pediatrics, a waiting room full of children and mothers yelling about, oh, so high. Oh, fuck. Oh, but it's cool, man. The doctor gave it to me. It's cool. It's.

[Paula Pazdurka]

The cops can't do shit.

[Eric Hoofnagle]

Yeah, that's what I was concerned about. So in the end, I did lose most of the weight and the problem just went away. I wonder if they were connected in some way. But I did have to go back in for another colonoscopy and an endoscopy where they shove a camera down your throat because apparently they wanted to, you know, do all the holes. No, they didn't. They didn't enjoy this at all.

[Paula Pazdurka]

You look fantastic.

[Eric Hoofnagle]

Oh, thank you. Now, there's my ego stroke for the night. But in conclusion, although I did have to go back in, and you better believe they dosed me big time when they heard about my memories. At least I did get to have another taste of that sweet, sweet milk. Thank you.

[Paula Pazdurka]

We'll be right back.

[Advertiser 4]

As we gather with loved ones this holiday season, consider how learning a new language can enhance your connections and enrich your experiences. What are your goals for the upcoming holiday season? Whether it's traveling internationally or connecting with family and friends, a new language can open doors to meaningful conversations and cultural appreciation. With that in mind, there's no better tool than Rosetta Stone, the most trusted language learning program available on desktop and mobile. Rosetta Stone immerses you in the language so you truly learn to think, speak, and understand it naturally. With Rosetta Stone's intuitive approach, there are no English translations. You're fully immersed, and the built in truaccent feature acts like a personal accent coach, giving you real time feedback to make sure you sound just right. Don't put off learning that language. There's no better time than right now to get started. For a short time, listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership holiday special. This offer will not last long. Visit rosettastone.com Rs10. That's unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your life. Redeem your holiday [e-mail] Rs10 today for yourself or as a gift that keeps giving.

[Kevin Allison]

Hey folks, I want to tell you about a new podcast called Reflektor. If you love Risk, you love true stories, right? And on each episode of Reflector, they really dive into some of the thorniest, messiest issues facing our society today, from addiction to election denial to what inspires people to commit violence. And they weave together a story that highlights the nuances and idiosyncrasies of our human nature. On a recent episode, I was so excited to see that they have my friend Mike Pesca come on to talk about how and why politicians lie. Well, some more than others. So you can find this new podcast by searching for Reflector right now on whatever app you're using to listen to Risk.

[Advertiser 1]

Why get all your holiday decorations delivered through Instacart? Because maybe you only bought two wreaths, but you have 12 windows. Or maybe your toddler got very eager with the Advent calendar. Or maybe the inflatable snowman didn't make it through the snowstorm. Or maybe the twinkle lights aren't twinkling. Whatever the reason, this season season Instacart's here for hosts and their whole holiday haul. Get decorations from the Home Depot, CVS and more through Instacart and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply.

[Eric Hoofnagle]

My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for Career Day and said he was a big roas man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com campaign to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com campaign.

[Paula Pazdurka]

Terms and conditions apply.

[Eric Hoofnagle]

LinkedIn the place to be to be.

[Paula Pazdurka]

We're back. A man leaned over and whispered in my ear. I will knock three times at your door at midnight. You will open the door. You will look at my dick for 10 seconds. You will close the door and we will never speak of it again. Let me back up for a second and tell you how we got to this point. I went to high school and college at a time when there was no Google and there was no ask dot com. I was also raised Catholic, so my sex education consisted of materials that were developed in the 1960s that had weird language like heavy petting. Also, the illustrations in these books were like pencil or pen Outlines of Anatomy. I had a vagina. And I could not recognize that that is what it was. I thought it looked like an onion slice or a sad waffle. The penis, which I hadn't had much experience seeing, I thought looked like a sad wilting flower that never bloomed or a cat toy that didn't have the feather on the end. I went to an all girl Catholic high school, and so I tried to supplement this information about sex and penises from my friends because I had a burning question. It was something that I did not understand. And that is why. Why would you cut a dick? Why do you circumcise penises? I don't understand. Why would you do that? If you cut the folds of an accordion, it no longer plays beautiful music. But if you cut the folds of a dick, it's okay. It still works. I don't understand. I now know why the flowers sad. My friends tried to help me, but I am a. I'm a visual learner. I like to look at things, get my hands on it. One of my friends told me that a penis is like a baby's arm in a winter jumpsuit. A circumcised penis is when the mitten is not on the hand, it still works. An uncircumcised penis, the baby is wearing the mitten, it still works. I did not like that analogy. I did not like the fact that, like, my babysitting world and my almost not but not real sex life world were sort of combining and thinking that a baby was a penis. It did not sit well with me. It did not. It did not. So high school ended. Oh. I would also like to add that during my high school years, I did have a boyfriend and I had seen glances of penises, but there was always kind of like a wayward glance, like never on in the light where you could see it. Well, I had done a lot of dark groping underneath umbro shorts, sometimes the Cabarici pants. You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, so I went to college. I was so excited. I was going to Marquette University, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Yeah. There were going to be boys there, there was going to be beer there. And there was going to be a lot of learning there. A lot of learning. My freshman year, there was not a lot of learning like that. I don't know if it was because I was loud or what, or for whatever reason. I hadn't even had really any, like, wayward glances or groping. And this was all about to change, or I thought it would. It was the end of my freshman year and it was finals week and I did not have a final the next day. So what was I doing drinking? Drinking in a dorm room because I didn't have to study for that next test right then it was two days away. Plenty of time. Plenty of time to get my beer mind working. I was drinking in my friend Andrea's room, and I loved to drink with Andrea. She was so much fun because when she got really drunk, she acted like Punky Brewster. It was awesome. And we were also drinking with Andrea's roommate's boyfriend. His name was Ewan. Andrea's roommate, her name was Leanne. I didn't really like her. She was one of those girly girls that spent a lot of time on her hair. And she was also like majoring in something that wasn't very interesting, like communications. So I never really paid too much attention to her. And likely so I did not pay any attention to Elon. He seemed super duper boring. He was like six foot tall, blonde, wore khaki pants and button down shirts. He could have been an Abercrombie and Fitch model. But boring. So boring. Now let me tell you that my freshman year, I pursued a man vigorously who had shaved his initials into his hairy chest and also on his head. So that's the kind of guy I like. A little bit quirky, maybe not beautiful, but interesting, funny, good to talk to. So Andrea and Ian and I were drinking and we had covered all the usual bases. He talked about how Leanne might be the one. And Andrea was kind of lamenting that she had spent this whole year being faithful to her high school boyfriend who did not go to Marquette with her. And she was starting to get a little upset because she started to convince herself that he had been cheating on her this whole time. And so she kind of got more emotional as we downed those Zimas. And it was the 90s. Anyway, so the night went on and she became more and more enraged. And finally she said, I don't understand. Dicks are ugly. And I don't know why. I don't know why they would make something as beautiful as a baby. And this is where Elon got mad. He said, dicks are not ugly. They are beautiful. I have a very beautiful penis. I tried to calm them down. I said, a dick is only ugly if it's having sex with somebody else that it's not supposed to. I'm sure your dick is beautiful. I've never seen it, but judging by the way that you look, I'm sure it is a very beautiful penis. Let's get back to those zigmas. Unfortunately, that did not diffuse the situation. Ewan was still angry, and Andrea was starting to cry. So I did the only thing that I could to diffuse it. I said something that was totally crazy, and it was, I wish I could see an uncircumcised penis. And then Ewan looked at me and he said, I'm from Poland. My dick is not circumcised. All of a sudden, Ewan was interesting. It was like he had a hairy chest and had just shaved his initials in it. Because all of a sudden, I was like, ewan, yeah. And he said, I would like to show it to you. I would like you to show it to me too. And that's when Andrea became the voice of reason. I don't think Leann's gonna like that. I don't think Leann is gonna like it. If she walks in right now and sees you showing your penis to two girls, it's kind of like her penis for now. Oh, no, no, no. Not according to you. No. It's my penis. He said, she likes it. She thinks it's nice, but it's my penis. Anyway, Andrea thought it would be a good idea if we all went home. So as she gathered up all the Zima bottles and went down the hall to throw them away, Ewan leaned over to me and he whispered, midnight is in 10 minutes. I'm going to come to your door at midnight. I'm going to knock three times, you will open the door, you will look at my penis for 10 seconds, you will close the door, and we will never speak of it again. I was ecstatic. I ran down the hall, I put on my pajamas for the show. My roommate, who had been studying all night, was like, what's the word? And I was like, ewan's coming down to show me his dick.

[Eric Hoofnagle]

She's like, what?

[Paula Pazdurka]

What crazy world are you living in? You don't even like him. He's boring. I'm like, it's uncircumcised. Yeah. She goes, how does Leanne feel about this? I'm like, what? Don't ran on my parade. I'm like, I don't know. She goes, how would you feel if you're born, your boyfriend showed someone else their dick?

[Eric Hoofnagle]

I don't know.

[Paula Pazdurka]

I'm not saying. I'm just saying I don't want you to feel guilty about this experience. She was right. I mean, I was Catholic. I mean, guilt is, like my middle name. So I thought about it, and I thought, oh, man. I just have this thirst for knowledge. I'm at a university. This is what we're supposed to do here. Supposed to get my learn on. But then I thought, if my learning means hurting somebody else, even though she's boring and she's not my friend, is that okay? And before I had time to think about it much more, there was a knock at the door. And Kathy turned to me and she said, he's early. I was like, that's weird. I thought, I don't care about Leanne, but I don't want to hurt someone in my pursuit of knowledge. So I turned off the light, and I got into my bed with my Laura Ashley sheets and comforters, hugged my pillow, and I thought, all right, sometimes you're not supposed to open those doors, okay? And I went to sleep, and I had a horrible night's sleep. The next day, after lunch, I was walking in the hall, and I saw Leanne and Ewan, and it was evident that they were not getting along. And then she marched right up to me, got in my face, and said, thank you. Thank you for not opening the door. That was me. I knocked on your door last night to see if you would betray me, and you didn't. You are a good person. Thank you. And she marched away. I didn't have the heart or time to tell her that I was, like, an equal participant and I really wanted to open the door. Iwan kind of sulked over to me, and then he leaned down and said, I will come to your door tonight at midnight. I will knock three times, you will open the door, you will look at my dick for 10 seconds, you will close the door, and we will never speak of it again. I had kind of created this, like, dick monster. I mean, I did want to see his penis, but I didn't want to see his penis if I was going to hurt somebody, you know? And so it was still. I had the same problem here. She just thanked me very aggressively for not looking at his penis. And so I still had the same problem. And I thought, what can I do? I can't open that door. I want it so bad. I just want to learn and understand this uncut dick thing, please. And so he did come that night at midnight, knock three times, and I did not open the door. And I thought, some doors are meant not to be opened. I know. I'm sad, too. My friends were also sad, but they respected my decision. So they, like, tried to help me. After that, I would get, like, magazine ripped out pages of penises under my door. One of my friends, like, raided a porn shop with VHS tapes and painstakingly cut out the uncircumcised penises and taped them to a piece of paper. And eventually I graduated from Marquette, only seeing these poor images. And I understand that Yuan and Leanne broke up our senior year. And I, you know, I eventually got married. I married someone who was one of my early dark groping victims from high school. And I was thinking, I wonder if he ever thinks about the time he tried to show a girl in his girlfriend's dorm his dick. I wonder if he ever thinks about that. And I wonder if he wonders why I didn't open that door. Door. Because I do. I really wish I would have opened that door. So my advice to you is never live with regrets. Thank you, guys. Strangers in the night Exchanging glances Wandering in the night what were the chances we'd be sharing love before the night was through through Something in your eyes was so inviting Something in your smile was so exciting Something in my heart told me I must have you.

[Kevin Allison]

This is Risk. This is Frank Sinatra behind me now. And we just heard from Paula Pezdurka. There's more funny stuff episodes as well as true crime episodes, sex stories episodes and more at risk-show.com special series. Folks, today's the day. Take a risk.

[Paula Pazdurka]

Ever since that night, we've been together. Lovers at first sight, in love forever. It turned out so right for Strangers in the Night.

[Kevin Allison]

Hey, folks, there's so much more of Risk in the holiday season. Risk is always publishing new episodes and new stories as well as holiday favorites. This holiday season, don't forget, click on Risk.