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I'm done with subscriptions, streaming, fitness razors, vitamins. I've got subscriptions for everything in my life. They lock you in and half the time I can't figure out how to unsubscribe. That's why I'm so excited about the new Blue Apron. Now you can get delicious meals delivered with no subscription needed, including new pre made options. Keep the flavor, ditch the subscription. Get 20% off your first two orders with code APRON20. Terms and conditions apply. Visit blueapron.com terms for more.
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Hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we back at content from our earlier years. Now before we start, I just want to say that this episode is dropping on January 8, 2026, which means there's still time to sign up for my next online storytelling workshop that'll have Zoom sessions every Wednesday evening at 8:30pm Eastern time for eight weeks in a row. You'll get lifetime access to over 7 hours of video lectures, brainstorming activities and story analyses from me as well. It's fun, it's low pressure. It's a feel good way to do something creative and social and illuminating to start your year. And if Sunday morning sessions would be more convenient for you, I've got another one starting up in February. That one starts on February 15th at 10:00am Eastern Time. So email me at kevinrisk-show.com to learn more. This week we're doing the Best of Funny Stuff Number seven. Now in a little bit we're going to hear from Alicia Alstetter from a live show rist did in Milwaukee in 2015. But first, a story from Kumail Nanjiani, who you surely know from Silicon Valley. The Pig Sick. Welcome to Chipmondales and Eternals. His latest standup special is Night Thoughts on Hulu and you can find him on Instagram Kumailn. Now did you know Kumail along with Pete Holmes, two hilarious guys. They were the co hosts of the Risk Live show in Los Angeles for a while back from like 2011 to 2013 or so. And here he is now, Kamal, at one of those shows with a story we call Pure Fuck Machine.
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Hello. I actually just a couple days ago got back from vacation. I was in Singapore and oh, that's not someone clapping. Yeah, Singapore. Good choice. Something happened that changed my life forever. I used a bidet for the first time. Has anyone ever Holy fuck. Why isn't everyone just talking about this, my life, will forever be divided into two sections before I ever used a bidet. You and the age of enlightenment. It's unbelievable. The first thing, how does it know exactly where to go? Isn't everyone different? How does it. This had the knowing touch of an old lover. I just used it. The first time I used it, this is the sound that came out of me. I was like, ooh. Just, like, loudly to myself. Like, cold in places that have never felt the cold, you know, it's pretty great. I was there for like 20 minutes. I was talking to it after that fuck. And then I came home and I miss it. Every day, I miss it, but I'm taking it day at a time and I can't. And my friend was like, you know, they have them here. I'm like, yeah, but I can't install one in my rental. That's a really horrible conversation with my landlord. Like, hey, listen, I have a filthy asshole and it needs all the help it can get. I mean, in the beginning, I used it so much. I was using it just to feel clean. And then I was just using it to feel like myself, you know? So great how many people have not used one ever? You haven't, sir. You know what's wonderful is the feeling that after all these years, life still has the capacity to surprise you. To catch you sideways, you know, or right in the middle. You gotta do it. I'm, like, jealous. I wish I could do it again for the first time. It's so amazing. Who has done it and did not like it? See, nobody. Why aren't we all doing it? Nobody hates it. You could do puns. You could do puns with it. You know what it feels like? It feels like tasting vanilla ice cream for the first time with your butt. It's the greatest. Anyway, so that's euphoria. But the story I'll tell is also about that. But it's also. It's something great and then something horrible. In fact, it's one of the worst days of my life. It turns into, this happened when I was like 10. Okay, so here are some. You need to know a couple things before the story. One, I didn't start wearing underwear until I was way too old. Okay? This is a story of why I start wearing underwear. The other thing you have to know is I grew up in Karachi, Pakistan, and we had an amusement park there. And it was called Funland, which sounds like a real first draft name, right? Like, come on, guys, try harder. It's right down the street from work building and Food room, like come up with something, you know. But the thing, what happened at Funland was every now and then someone would die. Kind of routinely people would die and it was just part of the thing of Funland, you know, the car would fly off, someone would die here. If that happened, there's investigations. No, in Pakistan it would be like a small, like Funland claims another life. And we would actually go then because we were like probability wise. Now it's not going to happen for a while, so go get that shit right now, you know. And it was actually kind of life affirming. What they would do is right across from Funland was this empty field. And they would just move the cars of death, just leave them in the field as like a warning. Like it's gonna be fun. But it could also be that, you know, like you don't have to sign anything, but look at what could happen. So every time you went, you sort of had death and then you choose life, you know, it was kind of life affirming. It was fucking awesome. So we would do that and then one day all of my cousins, we were all gonna go. And this was right around the time I had just. This is where the euphoria part comes in. Around that age, you know what I'm talking about. I just discovered masturbation. Discovered is a strong way to put it. I didn't like Indiana Jones my way into a crypt and read a scroll. My cousin who was my age came over once and was like, hey, I heard that if you go up and down on your penis, something happens. And I was like, go into the bathroom and try right now. And so he's in there for like two minutes. He comes out red faced. And I was like, how was it? And his lips move but no sound comes out. And then he picked up a BB gun and shot a crow. And I was like, I gotta do that today. I become a man, you know. So I go in, I have a very repressed Muslim upbringing. I do it and it happens so quickly. Like 30 seconds. Like I think I lost 30 pounds right away. And I sort of come to. This is true. This is completely true. I sort of come to and I'm on the floor and I see, I swear, my Muslim repression dripping from the ceiling. That is completely true. Yeah, it's crazy awesome. And spoiler alert, I've never hit the ceiling again. That was it. So I was doing that a lot. I was just, I was like scheduling my day around like, can we move it to four? Cause I gotta get another one. In, you know, I was just doing it a lot. So the day we were going to Funland, I'd already done it three times, and this was, like, noon. So my cousins are going to be there in 10 minutes. I was like, I could get one more in, you know, So I go in. So I would have, like, different levels of people I would think about based on how much time I had. So I didn't have much time. So I went for the nuclear option, which is Possessed, Sigourney Weaver and Ghostbusters. I mean, that is the hottest scene of all time, right? So willing and hot. So I'm in there, I get started, and my cousins get there early, and my mom starts yelling at me right away. Like, so it's already the fourth time I'm trying it. It's already kind of hard. And now my mom's yelling at me, and, like, Sigourney's down there floating, and it's very difficult. And my mom's like, we have to go to Funland. I'm like, that's where I'm trying to go right now. Just give me 30 quiet seconds. I finally will myself to do it. I get it done. I get the job done. There's no, like, again, there's no real fun in it. You know, now it's just workman. Like, nothing I don't think comes out. And then, if you remember, this is why I started wearing underwear. In my hurry, I pulled my jeans up and I zip up.
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Through.
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Like, it's not even stuck in there anymore. Like, it's through. Not like the tip. It's not like. And I have half a penis. I don't know why I sat on this story for so long. This should have been the first story I ever told. I would change my name. No, just, like, the side. Like, a chunk of the side comes out. Yeah, real bad. And then it's bleeding, and I'm like, I don't want to get infected. So I get my dad's aftershave, and I pour it down there, and it feels like a fire had teeth, you know? It's like the kind of pain where I'm flashing back to, like, football highlights and pictures of dead relatives and the armies marching out of Mordor, which those movies hadn't even come out yet. I prophesied that that's how bad the pain was. But then I go to Funland, and I see the death on the left, and then I go to the right, but I have no underwear, so it's chafing against the entire Time. Really, really horrible. And to this day, I have a horrible scar from it. It's functional, don't worry, it's doing great. It's really, you know, got stories to tell. But now I'm married, which is good because I kind of like had to sort of had that talk with whoever I charmed enough to like get down there, you know, like, hey, it's not a weird thing. I mean, it is kind of a weird thing. In Pakistan, we had a theme park called Funland. All right, thanks guys, that was fun.
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We'll be right back. We're back. There. I was the summer of 2007, and I was racing for the nearest emergency room with my 6 year old daughter in my arms, covered with vomit and urine and blood. When I raced into the hospital doors, doctors and nurses rushed toward me saying things like, five cc's of saline, stat. Blood pressure cuff, stat in my head. In reality, a nurse just handed me some forms and said, sit down and fill these out. And can you tell me exactly what happened to get you here? So, okay. My husband and I and our kids were coming home from a family vacation in Michigan and now all four of our kids get car sick. So we had the idea that we would take the high speed car ferry across the lake. And instead of driving all the way around. And my neighbor convinced us to do this. Cause he was like, yeah, okay, your kids will love it. The inside looks like a airplane. There's a big movie screen and there's a snack shack. So yeah, way better than driving. Especially if you have four kids who puke. Yeah. So we were convinced. And then when we saw, saw the boat, we felt very confident. I mean, for those of you who have never seen it, the high speed ferry, it is a large, white, majestic, gleaming catamaran. And it's like 200ft long and 30ft high. And there's like three stories. There's. The first level is all cars and then the mid level is like the cabin area that has windows all the way around and a walkway around that. And the top level is very open with benches, so you can just sit up there and enjoy the beautiful lake. Which on the way across we had a blanket spread out there and it was like we were sunbathing on a dock. And when we boarded the boat in Michigan, it was a beautiful day. The sky was blue and clear. And we ran onto that boat and all the way up to the top deck so we could wave goodbye to the shore. And we were inland at that point and we had to navigate to the open water through this canal. And at the end of the canal there's this picturesque lighthouse, very New Englandy. And the waves were hitting the lighthouse and splashing up to the top. And I'm like, look, kids, high waves. And they were very pumped and excited, you know, because they were just glad to be out of the car and onto their boat adventure. And now I was feeling, I mean, I was tired at this point. I was really looking forward to just getting into the cabin and finally getting a chance to just go to the bathroom and get a snack and settle in. But we're still up top and this couple is standing near us and the guy is like, this is awesome. This is so much better than Chicago traffic. And his wife is like, I hate boats. I always get seasick. And sure enough, when we hit the open water, the waves that had been previously hitting the lighthouse were now tossing this giant boat like it's a rubber duck. And at first people were like laughing because it felt like a carnival ride, you know, like a giant tilt a whirlwind. And my kids even were like, oh cool. And we were high fiving. But I think that they've calculated the exact amount of time one can tolerate being on a tilt a whirl. And I think it's like two and a half minutes. And now unfortunately, we are on a tilt a whirl that's going to last more along the lines of two and a half hours. And though I have paid five dollars to ride on a tilt a whirl, I was really regretting the decision to pay $500 for the extended version. And then it gets worse and waves like I have never experienced start taking the water up and washing it onto the top deck. Three stories up, water is coming over. And then the wind is like deafening. And my husband's like shouting to me, but right near me, but I can't hear what he's saying. And my kids faces just like fell and like the horizon was swinging wildly. So if you look to the side, first all you saw was sky and then all you saw was water. Then all you saw was sky and then all you saw was water. And the water spray was icy cold. I mean it was like that garden hose right on you. And so people are like understandably heading for the stairs to get below deck into the cabin. Only now no one can walk straight. And everyone's like at a 45 degree angle. And with the deck like wet and shifting, people keep wiping out. And like the stairs are not like centrally located in the boat. No they are on the edge near the railing. And so I have one hand on the railing, and I have one hand holding my baby to me. And I have this terrifying image that my kids are going to slide across the deck and slide down the stairs and over the railing and overboard. And my husband, who is not a strong swimmer, okay, he does not like the water. And he is like, we've got to get below deck inside. But I am frozen. Like, I can't walk. I'll fall and I'll smash the baby's head in or we'll fall down the stairs and overboard. I'm like, no, I can't walk. But he's like, you can't stay here. Come with me. But, like, we locked eyes, and I shook my head, and so he knew. He knew what was up. So he tried to grab, like, three sets of hands and, like, walk, slide to the stairs. And I saw him lose grip on my daughter, my oldest, and she fell and she went down and then just had to crawl her way to the stairs. So sad. But I saw them safely get lower. And then I crept with the baby to the front of the boat. There was this bulkhead, this wall, and I just crouched down, like, in front of it, and I put both arms around the baby, and I just sat right down on the ground. And I was trying to brace us against the waves and kind of shield him from the water that was washing over us. Normally he would, like, say something or he would try to get down, but he's just like. Has his face right into my chest. Like he doesn't even want to know. Know what is happening. And so I tried to soothe him, you know, and, you know, make him feel better, but it just sounded like, you're gonna be fine. I've got you, you're okay, you know, not good. And it was reminding me, like, the situation. What was that movie? Oh, yes, Titanic. And I'm like, are we gonna go Edmund Fitzgerald here? You know, is Gordon. Gordon Lightfoot going to have to write a song about this day? You know, like, the Wreck of the Lake Express, Barrie, or. I don't know how the song goes, but, yeah, I was like, this is a mistake. It's a mistake. I didn't really think we'd go out like this, at least not today. But then as I looked up, like, in between waves, I saw that everyone on the boat was starting to get sick. And I am not the type of person that does well with barfing. Like, if someone's starting to retch or anything, I run away. But now I just have this, like, I'm a captive audience, like, with a front row seat to just dozens of people puking their guts out. And the woman who, like, didn't like boats, it was like sitting right in front of me, and she just, like, opens up her handbag and is like, puking, like, right into it. And then my. My little guy starts just puking down the front of me. And where I was huddled on the ground, there were these two guys standing that, that were in the navy, and they were, like standing on either side of me and they were trying to, to be helpful and they were kind of hovering around and they were giving me really good tips, like, you should have taken Dramamine. And I'm like, thanks, hindsight. And then meanwhile, down in the cabin, the entire place starts getting sick. The passengers are puking, the. The snack shack staff is puking, my husband's puking, my kids are puking. And the stewardess can't keep up with the demand. Like, they're running up and down, like, passing out barf bags and collecting full barf bags and then puking. There's even this, like, sealed off room, like within the room for rich people who want. Want to pay extra so that they don't have to be with the commoners. But they were puking too. But, you know, at least they weren't in the very large unventilated room with hundreds of people puking. Okay. Morale was low, right? I mean, my family momentarily brightened when my daughter threw up on the floor, floor. And the stewardess had to walk through it. And that was the highlight of the trap. I kept waiting for myself to get sick, but as it turns out, I don't get seasick. I had no stomach sensations at all. It was awesome. I still, though, really had to go to the bathroom. And I can't walk anywhere still because of the space, baby. And I'm sitting on the ground, and now by this time, there is so much water on the deck. Like, we have our own waves just washing back and forth. And so I'm sitting there looking, and I'm like, okay, I only have one option here. So I sat there and I just peed through my clothes as I sat on the ground. And like, I tried to tear time it, you know, just right. So I was peeing when the water was deepest, and I was hoping to be finished by the time the water had gone away. So, you know. Yeah, it was hard. It was. I wanted it less obvious, but that didn't work out so well. So I Kind of watched, you know, like, my pee go away from me, and it was just mixing with all the diluted puke. And then it was washing over the shoes of the guys standing next to me who are just pretending not to notice. But, yeah, at that moment, I really felt like I had really just left civilization behind. Like, social norms, they're gone now. It's over. As you may remember, because of our initial bad car ride just to even get to the boat, my kids have had just nothing in their system. They've kept nothing down. And so they were starting to get dehydrated and listless, and their eyes were, like, rolling back in their head, and they weren't staying conscious. So my husband comes up to check on me, and he's like, look, you need to come down now. And. And the waves were more predictable. So we crept down the stairs. But when I saw my kids, I saw that the worst was not over. So my daughter, who was seeming really weak, said she had to go to the bathroom. And so I took her. But we can't get into any of the stalls because they are full of sick passengers who can't remove themselves between retching and, like, if you look down the row of stalls, all you see are bottoms of shoes because everyone's on their knees, you know, with their heads in the toilet. So we're standing there and waiting. And now I must say about my girl, she is a brick. She is not easily phased. She's a good girl. But as she's standing there waiting, she wets her pants. And then she starts crying because she's embarrassed. So I go to hug her, to reassure her, and I look at the back of her little tiny pink skirt, and I see that she's completely peed blood and her skirt is just red. I panic inwardly, and I'm just like, jesus Christ, just get me to Milwaukee. Get me off this fucking boat. Get me in a fucking hospital. I've had it. And she saw the blood, too. And, you know, like, we looked at each other and she's like, mama. And I tried to just be very nonchalant, and I tried to be like, oh, yeah, you know, that can happen. It's fine. I've seen this before. This is nothing new. You're fine. But, like, I know by the way she's looking at me that, you know, she is not convinced.
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So.
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So I carry her back to my husband, and I, like, bend down and whisper to his ears. I'm like, she has just peed blood. I told her it was normal, but she knows it's not. It was so humiliating walking into the hospital that day with all these kids just soaked in every bodily fluid imaginable. And the doctors totally, like, giving me side eye, you know, like. So you were on the lake with the children today? And I'm like, they always blame the mom, okay? Like, the dads. No one ever cares. They're like, oh, yeah. He probably thought it would be like Gilligan's island, but you. You should have known better. Like, three hour tour. That's always a bad idea. But we got her rehydrated, I must say, and now she is fine. She's fine. She lived through it. But we did have a bit of the PTSD over this. But we worked through it through play because we have this bathtub toy at home that's a boat. And for months afterwards, whenever we took a bath, we had to play this game called Too Much Water on the Boat. And we would take the boat and we would, like, rock it back and forth and we dump water on it. And it had these two little guys, and you could fill them with water and then we'd have them throw up or pee alternately. That's how we work through that. And as I was writing this and working on it, I actually went to the website and it was hilarious because on their webpage it says, experience new boat smell on our newly renovated 2015 cabin. And yeah, you can totally tell that was just combating all their Yelp reviews that were like, that boat reeks. Like, everyone puked and peed. It was awful. So I live near Lake Michigan, and I look across it, you know, often. And so people will ask me, are you ever going to go back across on that boat? And I've thought about it, but ultimately I'm always like, fuck that. Anyway, thank you.
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This is Risk. This is Luiz Adrian behind me now. And we just heard from Alicia Alstetter, who you can find on Instagram at Alicia Alstetter. Well, that's it for the Best of Funny Stuff number seven. But listen, if you can think of a memory of yours that always makes you laugh, doesn't matter if it's a super short story or an epic tale, pitch it to us. One thing I've noticed in my online storytelling workshops is that someone will often say, I don't know if I should tell this. This story isn't important. It's just kind of silly. Or, oh, God, I don't even know if this is a story. It might only be one minute long. It's just that it makes me laugh. And then if they actually tell that story, everyone in the workshop is so great grateful to have heard that light heartedness. We need it. So don't forget to email me@Kevinriskdashshow.com if you want to learn more about my online storytelling workshops. And even if you don't, whatever funny memory you might have in mind, pitch it to us at risk-show.com submissions. And there's other mood or topic based series like this in our archives like the Best of Happy Stories, Sex Stories, Love Stories, Scary Stories. The list just goes on and on. Look them all up at risk-show.com specialseries. Folks, today's the day. Take a risk.
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Sa.
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