RISK! – The Best of Funny Stuff #7

Released: January 8, 2026
Host: Kevin Allison

Episode Overview

This installment of RISK! delivers a double shot of hilarity and vivid, candid storytelling in the "Best of Funny Stuff #7" special. Host Kevin Allison curates memorable comedic stories from past RISK! live shows, highlighting the unfiltered and side-splitting brilliance that defines the podcast. Listeners are treated to Kumail Nanjiani's infamous "Pure Fuck Machine" monologue on bidets, masturbation, and misadventure, followed by Alicia Alstetter’s uproariously calamitous tale of family, seasickness, and full-blown bodily fluid chaos on a Lake Michigan ferry.

Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. [03:12] Kumail Nanjiani: "Pure Fuck Machine"

Setting: Live show, Los Angeles, c. 2012
Theme: Self-discovery, adolescent mortification, and the lingering scars—literal and figurative.

• Bidet Enlightenment
  Kumail opens with his first bidet experience in Singapore, waxing poetic:

  “Why isn’t everyone just talking about this? My life will forever be divided into two sections: before I ever used a bidet, and the age of enlightenment.”
  (Kumail Nanjiani, 04:00)
  He quickly becomes obsessed, lamenting his inability to install one in his rental:
  “That’s a really horrible conversation with my landlord. Like, hey, listen, I have a filthy asshole and it needs all the help it can get.”
  (Kumail Nanjiani, 05:28)

• Karachi’s Funland: Fatal Amusement
  Reminiscing about his hometown theme park:

  “Every now and then someone would die… and it was just part of the thing of Funland… Funland claims another life.”
  (Kumail Nanjiani, 06:18)
  The park left the wrecked “cars of death” in a field as a warning—a life-affirming but slightly traumatizing sight for children.

• Early (and Repressed) Masturbation Hilarity
  Kumail describes his awkward entry into puberty, catalyzed by his cousin’s advice and a Ghostbusters fantasy:

  “Discovered is a strong way to put it. I didn’t like Indiana Jones my way into a crypt and read a scroll. My cousin… was like, ‘Hey, I heard that if you go up and down on your penis, something happens.’”
  (Kumail Nanjiani, 07:42)

  • Details his early experimentation, Muslim guilt, and feeling like he lost “30 pounds right away.”
  • Admits to planning his days around masturbation:

    “I was just doing it a lot. So the day we were going to Funland, I’d already done it three times, and this was, like, noon… I could get one more in.”
    (Kumail Nanjiani, 09:01)

• The Zip-Up Catastrophe: A Life-changing Mishap In a rush, Kumail zips up too quickly—disaster strikes:

  “It’s not even stuck in there anymore. Like, it’s through… like, a chunk of the side comes out. Yeah, real bad.”
  (Kumail Nanjiani, 10:42)
  The aftermath involves frantic first aid (aftershave on a wound), grim flashbacks, and enduring pain: “It feels like a fire had teeth, you know? It’s like the kind of pain where I’m flashing back to football highlights and pictures of dead relatives and the armies marching out of Mordor—which those movies hadn’t even come out yet.”
  (Kumail Nanjiani, 10:58)

  Ultimately, he attends Funland in agony, no underwear, and develops a lifelong scar—now an awkward marital icebreaker.

Notable Quote:

“You know what it feels like? It feels like tasting vanilla ice cream for the first time with your butt.”
(Kumail Nanjiani, 05:59)

2. [12:24] Alicia Alstetter: “Too Much Water On The Boat”

Setting: RISK! Live, Milwaukee 2015
Theme: Family adventure devolves into slapstick disaster—seasickness, humility, and maternal survival.

• Ferry vs. Carsick Kids: A Questionable Solution
  Vacationing family opts for a high-speed car ferry to avoid Michigan car travel with four carsick kids.

• Building Calamity: The Storm & Seasick Mayhem

  • Idyllic crossing gives way to terror as the ferry hits open water:

    “At first people were laughing because it felt like a carnival ride… But now we are on a tilt-a-whirl that’s going to last more along the lines of two and a half hours.”
    (Alicia Alstetter, 14:37)

  • Chaos as waves toss the boat; everyone (crew and passengers alike) succumbs to seasickness.
  • Surreal details:
    • Water washes over three decks.
    • Passengers slide, crawl, and vomit everywhere.
    • Navy guys offer useless “Dramamine” tips while standing in a mix of water, vomit, and—eventually—pee.

• Survival Instincts Over Social Norms
  To protect her baby, Alicia squats on the floor and, when necessity calls:

  “So I sat there and I just peed through my clothes as I sat on the ground… I tried to time it just right so I was peeing when the water was deepest… but that didn’t work out so well.”
  (Alicia Alstetter, 20:43)

  All bathroom stalls are full—with retching passengers’ feet visible under every door. Daughter pees blood from dehydration.

  “It was so humiliating walking into the hospital that day with all these kids just soaked in every bodily fluid imaginable.”
  (Alicia Alstetter, 28:13)

• Aftermath & Emotional Debrief Everyday coping turns to catharsis through play:

  “Whenever we took a bath, we had to play this game called Too Much Water on the Boat… and we’d have them throw up or pee alternately. That’s how we worked through that.”
  (Alicia Alstetter, 29:21)
  Resolute closing:
  “So people will ask me, are you ever going to go back across on that boat? And I’ve thought about it, but ultimately I’m always like, fuck that.”
  (Alicia Alstetter, 30:15)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Kumail Nanjiani (05:59):

  “It feels like tasting vanilla ice cream for the first time with your butt.”

• Kumail Nanjiani (10:58):

  “It feels like a fire had teeth, you know? It’s like the kind of pain where I’m flashing back to football highlights and pictures of dead relatives and the armies marching out of Mordor—which those movies hadn’t even come out yet.”

• Alicia Alstetter (14:37):

  “But now we are on a tilt-a-whirl that’s going to last more along the lines of two and a half hours. And though I have paid five dollars to ride on a tilt a whirl, I was really regretting the decision to pay $500 for the extended version.”

• Alicia Alstetter (20:43):

  “So I sat there and I just peed through my clothes as I sat on the ground... I only have one option here.”

• Alicia Alstetter (30:15):

  “So people will ask me, are you ever going to go back across on that boat? And I’ve thought about it, but ultimately I’m always like, fuck that.”

Segment Timestamps

• [03:12] Kumail Nanjiani: Bidets, puberty, and the Funland debacle
• [10:41] Zip mishap climax & reflection
• [12:24] Alicia Alstetter: Recalls the Lake Michigan ferry disaster
• [14:37–30:38] Details the endless rivers of vomit, urine, and survival tactics
• [30:38] Host commentary and closing encouragement

Episode Tone & Atmosphere

Unvarnished, irreverent, and loaded with gut-busting comedic detail. Each storyteller’s voice—a mix of mortification, timing, and wild self-deprecation—crystalizes RISK!’s promise: these are true tales they never thought they’d tell in public. Kevin Allison’s closing reinforces the show’s ethos—no funny memory is too small to share, and the unfiltered honesty is what makes RISK! so addictive.

Final Note

This “Best of Funny Stuff” episode perfectly encapsulates RISK!’s blend of outrageous humor and raw humanity. It’s a vivid reminder that sometimes the most mortifying misadventures make the best—and funniest—stories.