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Folks in my 40s and 50s, one of my biggest disappointments has been that no one ever really taught me about skin care. I just come from a generation of midwestern men who were really out of the loop for decades. So in recent years, I have experimented with a gazillion skincare products. But I found it's just so overwhelming. There's so many different things I've tried that left me saying, okay, is this doing anything? You know, there's a lot of wrinkles now and the dullness and looseness and the dark circles and bags under the eyes, it stresses me out. So I have to say I'm also genuinely grateful that our sponsor, One Skin sent me their OS1 peptide products for the face and under eye treatment. I'm actually seeing and feeling an unmistakable difference. My skin is brighter and it's tighter, it's softer, it's not greasy. And even the under eye, the tired, dark, baggy stuff is fading away. The thing is, as we age, some skin cells stop functioning the way they should. Longevity scientists call them zombie cells. And One Skin's OS1 peptide was specifically engineered to address those doing something most skin care was never built to do. Their results are backed by four peer reviewed clinical studies, over 10,000 five star reviews. And it was all born of from over a decade of longevity research. One Skin's OS1 peptide is proven to target the visible signs of aging, helping you unlock your healthiest skin now and as you age. For a limited time, try One Skin with 15% off using the code risk. At One Skin risk, that's 15 off OneSkin Co with the code risk. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Hey, sweetie. Your mother showed me this Carvana thing for selling the car. I'm gonna give it a try. Wish me luck. Me again. I put in the license plate. It gave me an offer. Unbelievable. Okay, I accepted the offer. They're picking it up Tuesday from the driveway. I haven't even left my chair.
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It's done.
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The car is gone. I'm holding a check anyway. Carvana, give it a whirl. Love ya.
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So good you'll want to leave a voicemail about it.
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Sell your car today on Carvana. Pickup fees may apply.
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And we're live from the living room as Doug eyes up the Machez spread. He's reaching for the buffalo wing. Perfect.
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Hang on.
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What's this? Oh, he's gone for a can of Pepsi too. Incredible. What a finish. Sensational combination. Look at the delight on his face. There's no doubt about it. It just tastes better. Match days deserve Pepsi. Food deserves Pepsi.
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Grab a pack of Pepsi.
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Zero sugar for today's match. It's poetry in motion. You have one new message
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translating. Disney and Pixar's Hoppers is now available on Disney.
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You could say that critics are calling
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it Pixar's funniest movie ever and a wildly entertaining ride.
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Blizzard Potato. It's certified fresh and verified hot. Now we party.
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This is incredible.
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Wow. I am clearing the rest of the day.
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Disney and Pixar's Hoppers now available on Disney.
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Rated pg. Hey, folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. This week, it's the best of long shot stories, stories of people with high hopes, big plans and slim chances. We're going to start with a story from Shawna McGarry that first appeared on the Setbacks episode of July 2019. Here's Shauna now with a story we call A Dreamer Schemer. Spendthrift.
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All right, so because growing up, my family never had any money. My mom was the queen of weird deals and coupon meals and everything re gifted from a thrift store. Like, we had a if you needed a gift, she would decoupage a lamp with paper flowers. Do you know decoupage is just like a shitty fancy word for glue. One time, mom bought all of us in the family. There's five of us. My dad, my mom, my brother, two brothers, me, these extra extra large denim jackets from Kmart because they were 80% off. Like, we were big kids, but we weren't that big. And of all the traits that I have from my mom, the one that I carry with me is this inability to buy anything at full price. And I just can't shake it. Like, I wish I could buy a jean jacket now that's expensive and designer that would fit me perfectly. So I, I could be like Obama. But instead I have this jean jacket that I bought at a thrift store that doesn't close over my boobs. And I'm an adult woman and I work really hard and I work all the time. And I'm in my mid-30s and I'm married and we don't have children, me and my husband. So there are some times where we could buy something at full price, but I can't because it's painful because of the Tao of mom and this identity I inherited from her. I call it the Dreamer, Schemer, Spendthrift. Everything, all the time. I am just trying to get and make better through my own DIY cheap ideas. And they have to be these romantic, wonderful things. And I'm just really embarrassed to tell you this thing that I bought, but it's this embarrassing group of words. And what's more embarrassing is my excuse for buying it, which is I have internal hemorrhoids because I went through this period of intense grief a few years ago and I hold all my stress inside like one of those canned snakes. And because all I do is sit all day at my job, at my job, there was like this really bad time a few months ago where it was just so bad and our chairs are really, really shitty at work. And so I went into my boss's office and I was like, hi, Steve, can I talk to you? I need to tell you something. And he seriously looked so ashen, as if I was about to like, hashtag metoo somebody because I work in TV and that could happen. And he's just been waiting for it. And I just sat down and I said, steve, the chairs are so shitty and I have a bad butt and you really need to replace the chairs. And he looked so relieved, as if he had lost his wedding ring and then found it again. And he bought us all new chairs and I was a hero. So for hemorrhoids, you can help them with something called a sitz bath. And I'm going to read what this is because it's truly disgusting and I don't want to get it wrong. That's a warm shallow bath that cleanses the perineum or taint, which is the space between the rectum and the vulva or scrotum. So you can buy sitz baths from cvs. They're like these little basins that you put on top of your toilet and you just sit there in this tiny little pool of warm water and it calms your bum. And it's about dollar or. Or you can hear from your rich friend that she goes on a three mile walk every morning and then meditates in her Jacuzzi while the sun rises. And it's really helped her hemorrhoids that she got from a difficult pregnancy, not just from being herself. So I become obsessed with getting a Jacuzzi. I think they might help me alleviate my hemorrhoids. I think they might make me start exercising and meditating. And so I'm gonna buy a hot tub and I'M so embarrassed to tell you that I bought a hot tub. And I'm more embarrassed to tell you how many times I'm gonna use the two words hot tub together in earnest in the next five minutes. It's gonna be a lot. So my husband is so sweet, and he used to live, when we first met, in this beautiful white studio. It had a couch and a bed and a bookshelf just big enough for all of the books that really meant something to him. And he called himself an essentialist. And then he met me and a girl predisposed to internal hemorrhoids and buying shitty romantic things on a whim for as cheap as possible whenever she could. And I don't know if he was bored, but he married me and now he's stuck. So I start researching hot tubs. They're hard to find, like, online. You know, the price and stuff. They're like one of those elusive things. So I go to a hot tub store in Pasadena, which are a lot like car dealerships where there's shiny things are right there, but you have to be there for like four hours before you can take one home. And the guys wear shitty ties. And I do what's called a dry sit, which they let you go in the hot tub if you take off your shoes. So you're just in your socks, and you go in and you sit down and they say, doesn't that feel nice? And you say, I think yes. And they say, can you feel the jets? And you say, mmm, yes. And then he tells you that the hot tub that you want, which is just a two person triangular hot tub, very small, very modest, is $6,000, and in the color you want, it's $300 more than that. And I'm like, no fucking way am I buying a 6300 hemorrhoid fixer. That's just ridiculous. And I go home and I tell my husband what happened. And he says, honey, is a hot tub really that important to you? And I'm like, no, I guess not. And he's like, because, you know, I could draw you a bath, like every night. And I'm like, that is so sweet. And after my really shitty bath, because our tub is really short and I'm five nine, and it's either this half or this half is fully above water, I start secretly looking at hot tubs on Craigslist. I find a hot tub from a guy who calls himself a refurbished hot tub dealer. He's been doing it since 1999, and his name is Dan And I find the exact hot tub I was looking at for less than half of the price. And that is my first affair that I begin after getting married six months ago. It's a text affair and it's not sexual or romantic, but it goes on for weeks and weeks. And Dan and I talk about everything there is to talk about about hot tubs, voltage, LED lights, temperature. And then my husband and I go on our honeymoon and Dan texts me that he can hold the hot tub I want for me. And I'm like, no, that is ridiculous. I'm not going to just ask this guy off Craigslist to hold a hot tub for $2,500 that I've never seen or blah, blah, blah. Yes, I tell him to hold the hot tub. And the whole time we're in Europe, I keep up the text affair with Dan. And we're working out when he's going to come and deliver the hot tub. And then we get home from Europe and we're both so jet lagged. And the next morning I say to my husband, so honey, Dan could deliver the hot tub tonight. And my husband looks at me and he says, who's Dan? And so then I have to tell him everything. And I say, I just think it's a really good idea to get it. And it's like, it's so cheap. And we can do it before we lay down grass, which we've been doing some stuff in our backyard, so we've been laying down grass. And he just kind of squints at me in this way that I'm very familiar with now, which means, like, I could fight you, but I want to preserve my essentialist energy. So I'm just going to squint. And for the rest of this story, just imagine my very cute husband squinting. Okay? This is just. So my husband goes to work and I go to the bank and get $2,500 in cash for D. And then that night Dan's supposed to come over at 7pm so we can both, me and my husband, be there after work, which is late, but early enough. And then he runs into traffic so he doesn't get there till 8:30. And he shows up with a huge truck with a huge hitch trailer on the back that holds two hot tubs. And I am so excited because the existence of two hot tubs means that he's legit. Like he really does sell hot tubs. And I look at my husband. Oh my God, honey, look, two hot tubs. And my husband is just squinting. And Dan takes a Very long time to back up into our driveway with the trailer. And then he gets out and he preps the hot tub. He makes sure that I like it. I don't know what I'm looking at. It looks like a hot tub. It looks fine. And he rolls out this blue tarp as if it's the yellow brick road all the way to the corner where we're gonna put the hot tub. And then he asks if he can wash his hand with hand soap, which is something he asks like eight more times throughout the night. I have no idea why. And he rolls the triangle of our hot tub into the corner. And then as he's filling it up with water, he starts, like, waxing philosophical about, like, our new life with the hot tub. He's telling us about ph balances. And he's saying, like, you know, you can put like a shelf right above here for your drinks. You'll see. He's like, you're gonna spend all your time in this hot tub. I haven't even sat in my couch for months. You'll see. And he folds the top in half so that it's half open. And he goes like, and you can use this for, like a table when you and your wife eat in the hot tub. You'll see. And my husband and I are like, you eat in your hot tub? And he says, oh, yeah, all the time. We don't even have a dining room table. And he's like, you're gonna see. Your mind is gonna go crazy with all the dreams you have. And you can do with this hot tub. It's gonna change your life. And I'm liking Dan because he's like, speaking my language, but it's getting dark, like we can't see anything anymore. And he's still filling up the hot tub. And finally it's full. And he says, well, just let it heat up through the night. See how it goes. You got yourselves a good hot tub here. And we're like, thank you. He looks like a stretched out John Malkovich, like a cowboy version, like with the cowboy shirt and the boot cut jeans. So we're very wary of him, but he seems okay enough. And then he leaves. And my husband and I are so jet lagged that we just crash. And we're kind of excited. Oh, maybe tomorrow in the morning we can go in the hot tub. And then I get a text from Dan and it says, I forgot to check something. Do you mind if I come back? And I say, well, sure, but we're in bed. Do you need Us. And he says, no. And I said, well, then you can just let yourself in the back. And so I kind of doze off again. And then a couple minutes later, wake up because I forgot to take off my contact. And I just look outside our bedroom window because it has a direct view of the hot tub to see if Dan is still there. And then I see that the hot tub is on fire. And I turn to my husband very calmly, because that's how I. I hold it in. And I get hemorrhoids. But externally, I am so calm. I'm like the best babysitter I was for a long time. And I say, honey. And he's, like, asleep. And I say, the hot tub's on fire. And then we both jump up, and we're not wearing shoes, and we run out. And Dan is there, and he's got our hose, and he's got the control, like, the panel open. There's a panel that comes off the front of a hot tub where all the electricity actually is. And he's hosing it off with water because flames are shooting. Huge flames are shooting. It's like an extra, extra large denim jacket on a child in our small backyard kind of flames. And he finally gets the fire out, and then there's smoke, and then there's nothing. Just this cowboy and us, and we're just staring at him. He's telling us what happened, which is that he was kind of concerned about this one light, and it was bugging him. So we came back to check on it, and he was just cleaning this one thing, and he points to a can of spray cleaner, and he's like. And then that thing, it just combusted. I mean, the hot tub didn't catch on fire. It was that can of cleaner. And we're like, what? And he's so nervous, but he's trying to act cool, like John Wayne. And he keeps trying to light a clove cigarette after the fire. And my husband and I are just so shocked that we literally can't do anything. We're just watching him, and he offers the cigarette to us, and we're both like, no, thank you. And then he says, well, do you have a hairdryer? And I'm like, I think so. And I go in my bedroom, and it's up on a high shelf because I never dry my hair. And I take it down, and he unplugs the hot plugs in the hairdryer and starts blowing the controls with the hairdryer. And he just starts saying different things. We can do, like, we can get a TV with a jib arm. You'll see. And we're like, what? And he unplugs the dryer, gives it back to me, plugs back in the hot tub, let that run all night. And then he's gone again. And I wake up at, like, 1, and my husband says, let's go to bed with the window open in case it starts firing again. And I wake up at, like, 1am to see if it's heating up. And, no, it turned the fuck off it, like, because he caught it on fire. And then he doused it with, like, about three buckets of Dumbo elephant water. So the next morning, the hot tub's off. And my husband very calmly says, honey, I think we should return the hot tub. So I say, thank you. Yes. And I'm so relieved. And I text Dan and I say, thank you so much. And we know it was an accident, and thank you for all your hard work with the rolling the tub, you know, but just because it caught on fire, I think we want to return it. And then because you doused the electrical panel with, like, all that water. And at first, he's really understanding. He's like, the Dan from our text affair. He's, like, going to come and pick up the hot tub. And then slowly, he refuses to pick up the hot tub. And he says that it's working. And we're like, no, it's not. And my husband gets him on the phone, and they agree to meet at the house to exchange the $2,500 cash that I gave him for the hot tub. And we're waiting, and we're waiting, and the phone call never comes to say that he's 10 minutes away. And then we get a text from him five hours later saying that he came to our house without us knowing, replaced everything that needed to be replaced from the fire, and that we have the best hot tub on the market and to enjoy it, kids. And he won't take a return. So we have a hot tub. We were thinking about, like, small claims court or suing him, but, like, is it really going to be less than $2,500? And I just feel so stupid. And I've called my mom, and I'm, like, crying to her because I'm so insecure about wasting money now that I'm an adult. Like, I really want to be smart about it. And I'm being so hard on myself. And my mom's like, honey, gosh, you've just got to be easier on Shawna. And I was like, but all the things that you always did, like, they were good for our family. I mean, they were a little weird, but you never, like, caught anything on fire. And she goes, honey, do you remember the stove? And then it all comes back. So I'm at college, my mom calls me. So what she had done was she had found a stove for deep, deep sail on a sidewalk sail. And she borrowed a truck and she put it in the truck bed, but she didn't have things to strap it down. So she just got on the freeway and thought that she would go very slowly, but the stove lifted out and flew and then landed on the freeway. And she was horrified. And all she kept saying to me on the phone was, I could have killed a baby.
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I could have killed a baby.
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And I was like, it took me 20 minutes to understand that no babies had been killed. Just a very discounted bargain stove. And it had gone to the shoulder and everyone was fine. But the minutes that she was worried that she had killed a baby had taken like years off her life. So I think everyone makes stupid purchases sometimes and we need to be forgiving. And the hot tub seems to work and my mom is coming down tomorrow to try it out. We might get slowly electrocuted, like Terminator. I don't know. I'm like the one person who's never seen that movie. Is that what happens? But she says if it doesn't work, she bought me a sitz bath, like the toilet basin. And she says she found it at her favorite thrift store. And don't worry because she boiled it with hot water. But don't you worry, because I'm going to put on rubber gloves and throw it directly in the trash. Thank you so much. I was told to relax and take a nice dip, a nice warm bath from a cracker to put a smile on my lips.
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But something went wrong. Things getting too hot.
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The water is fine. The inferno is nigh.
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Hearts of on fire
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Hearts of on
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fire
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Heart of on fire.
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B
This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome.
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You think you know a browser, but
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B
Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything
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A
on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50 page restoration block.
- [24:04]
B
Or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks.
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Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense. There's no place like Chrome.
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Check responses set up required compatibility and availability varies.
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C
18
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A
hey folks, have you ever wondered what you should do if you run into a bear while hiking or maybe you want to know about a single leopard that killed over a hundred people in India. If you've got thoughts like these, do I have a show for you. Tooth and Claw is a storytelling podcast that takes listeners through tales of hair raising and often violent encounters with wildlife, as well as the often very human reasons behind the attacks. Story topics cover everything from a black bear rampaging through a hot springs and leaving two people dead in its wake to the unbelievable story of the survivors of the USS Indianapolis and their four day battle with hungry sharks. The best part is that it's led by a wildlife biologist, an animal behavior expert, and his analysis of these stories might just help you avoid a similar encounter. A good starting point is the recent episode the Twisted Tale of Travis the Chimpanzee. It's a chilling story of a depressed chimpanzee who took his anger out on an unsuspecting woman and changed her life forever. Listen to Tooth and Claw today and get better informed before you venture out into the great outdoors. Just search Tooth and Claw on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to the I Can't Sleep Podcast with Benjamin Boster. If you're tired of sleepless nights, you'll love the I Can't Sleep podcast. I help quiet your mind by reading random articles from across the web to bore you to sleep with my soothing voice. Each episode provides enough interesting content to hold your attention and then your mind lets you drop drift off. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. That's I Can't Sleep with Benjamin Boster.
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C
What is that?
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Oh yeah, it's a World cup holder.
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C
Like the soccer tournament World cup holder
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for the World Cup.
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Fits every car holds every cup. It has a Carvana logo.
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Carvana made it. They buy and sell cars, so they
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made a car cup holder.
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So. Got any good cups lately?
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Used to.
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Just couldn't figure out where in the
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world to put them.
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The World Cup Holder brought to you by Carvana.
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Proud sponsors of the World cup holder, sign up today to win yours@cup-holder2026.com not
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authorized or endorsed by FIFA.
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Not a real product. For parody and fair use purposes only.
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This is Riz. This is Riz. This is Dizzy behind me now. And we just heard from Shawna McGarry. Shawna's written for so many shows. Tuca and Bertie, BoJack, Horseman, Bajillion Dollar Properties and you can find her@shawnamcgarry.com Folks, if you love Risk and want to help us out, please help Elevate the profile of the show and shut down the haters by writing us reviews and giving us five star ratings on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, podchaser. It really does help. Now our second story comes from David Crabb and it's a story we call the New Yorker.
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The day after 9 11, I called the little French bistro downtown where I worked. I had hardly been able to get through to anyone and I wasn't calling. I knew they would be closed because everything below 14th street was closed. But I hoped that maybe a manager would be there so that I could find out about how my co workers were doing, if anyone had reached out to anyone there. And strangely enough, this very busy, harried hostess answered. And not only were they open, but they were crowded, full of people. The day after 9 11, you could hear glasses breaking and busboys screaming. And she begged me to come into work because apparently because the French Roast was one of the few places open. And all of my co workers had packed up their U Hauls and their pets and their girlfriends and boyfriends and left town. No one was there to work these shifts. And I decided that I would take all these shifts and I would work doubles non stop so that I could make hundreds of dollars to get a U haul and get myself the fuck out of this town just like they did. So the next few days it was the same ritual. I would go into Manhattan and at 14th street there was this huge blockade and there was this huge guy. He was like Jabba the Hutt with like a ninja costume, like the most terrifying burkaed pro wrestler you've ever seen. It's like this full black outfit with goggles and a machine gun. And when you got to 14th street, he would be like, where are you going? And I would just be like, I'm just trying to wait tables. And he would like, he would be
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like, well, where do you.
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I was like, the French Roast. And he would immediately let me by because everyone knew the French Roast once you got below 14th, everyone had a French Roast cup of coffee. They were like the place that was open. They were owned by an Israeli sort of conglomerate and they took the 911 tax very personally. If there were fucking croak monsieur to serve, the terrorists would not win. So I took out my Texas ID and I showed it to this guy. It was the ID that I'd had for the two years since I moved to New York in 99. And I hadn't got it replaced because I moved here to be an artist and an actor and all that stuff. But I had been very busy dancing at clubs and drinking at bars and working shitty jobs at French bistros that I hated. So I showed him the ID and he said, you need to get a New York license. And I said, just please let me go bring people baguette. So I would go to the restaurant, and over those next four days of working doubles, it was a really surreal experience because I was in this restaurant with all these locals that I had seen all the time, but now they were like an oversharing market, right? Like, they would be sitting alone and I would go up and they would tell me all sorts of personal stuff. Like, I'm thinking of moving back to Nebraska because I'm getting older and I do want to have children. And you know, like, you know, I'm in culinary school and I want to be a pastry chef, but I just don't know if that's my passion anymore. Like, the rest of the world was talking politics and New Yorkers were like, inward. Like everyone was having these like, deep, tearful, drunken conversations over candlelight. And as much as I wanted to engage with these people, I was. I was the guy in an apron being like, would you like cheesecake? You know, so there was this wall and I would just sort of take it. You know, I was like a sounding board for these people. So at the end of the four days, I had made $900. The last shift, I sat at the bar with the Israeli bartender, Yoni, and he got me just hammered on red wine. And at the end of the shift, I got up and I hugged him goodbye. And he said in my ear something. I was like, I don't know what you're saying. And he was like. And he handed me this huge magnum of red wine and he showed it to me and he slipped it in my bag and he said, drink to forget. And I said, that sounds good. So I went back home. And at that point I was living in Bushwick. And Bushwick, even now, is a little desolate and industrial. But in 2001, it was like a set from Mad Max. It was just. It was a grim place. So I was walking home and it was like 3:30 in the morning, stumbling home drunk. And as I get to my door, I hear this. And I look across the street at the artist lofts across from my artist lofts, which just means like highly flammable nightmare Mutual living scenario. And on the roof across the street, they were having a full on fucking rave. They were playing Prodigy. Do you know that band Twisted Firestart? I'm the bitch that hates ya, you know? And I looked up and for a minute I was like, too soon? Do you know what I mean? But at the same time I was like, if people want to come to my restaurant and pay like $18 for Croque Madame's, like, they should want to dance with friends right now. Do you know what I mean? Who am I to judge? So I'm getting really close to the door of my building when I hear, hey man, you got a cigarette? And I look and I just immediately dig into my pocket. You know, the days after 911 were such a weird time of holding doors, saying please and thank you, just really respecting and being with people. That even at like 3:30 in the morning in the Mad Max set, I just didn't even think twice. And I reached in my pocket and before I could get my cigarettes out, I felt this body up against mine. And then I felt an arm around my neck really, really tight. And I felt this jabbing in between my ribs. And this guy in my ear said, do you feel that? That's a gun and I'm gonna fucking kill you unless you give me all your money. At which point I became a Kathy cartoon. And my dream bubble said, what now? You know? Because it was weird. Like I'm standing there getting mugged in a few days after this horrible thing. And like, Bushwick was weird at that point. Like all around blowing in the wind was weird garbage. I don't know if you were downtown in Brooklyn, it was really strange because all this garbage blew over from lower Manhattan. Weird stuff like sort of burnt Father's day cards and $200 lunch receipts from Wall street places and confidential Morgan Stanley documents. It was just weird. And you could still smell. I remember the smell in the air was like, if any of you have a little crappy New York apartment, most of you do. You probably use it to store your pots and pans. And if you ever preheat your oven and forget, all of a sudden you're like, what's that horrible metallic chemical fire? And you're like, ah, the oven. It smelled like that. And the fact that I was getting mugged at gunpoint at that point just was blowing my mind. And he jabbed the gun in harder, and I started digging through my pockets. And I just remember saying, loop, please don't shoot me. Please don't shoot me. Please don't shoot me. Please don't shoot me. And I reached into my pocket and I had my hand on the wad of money. It was A big wad of money, $900 and 20s is thick. And I looked over my shoulder and for just a minute, in my peripheral vision I could see this guy's face and his eyes were huge and full of water. And he was looking all around and he was looking across the street at that rave. And I was looking across the street at that rave thinking, please ravesters, help me, save me, you know? But I sensed an anxiety. I could feel that his form was actually like trembling against my neck. And at that point when I had my hand on the money, I thought, I cannot give this guy this money because this is the money that will get me out of here and save me from shit like this. This happening to me over and over again in fucking Bushwick. This doesn't happen when you're living in your parents garage in San Antonio, Texas, which I would be doing very soon. And I just wrapped my fist around the money and I plunged it into my bag, which was a mess of gum wrappers and allergy pills and notebooks and this huge magnum of wine, right? That was like shifting back and forth. And he just kept saying, give me the money, give me the money, give me the money. And he kept jabbing the gun and deeper and deeper. Right when I thought he was losing his patience, I could feel his bicep tighten against my neck. The door across the street open and all these horrible white people with dreadlocks and glow sticks just poured out. They look like people from the rave and the Matrix 2, that horrible Adobe rave. It's like the worst scene ever, do you know what I mean? And there's like four of them, they're like, ahahaha, 9 11, like what are you doing? You know? But they were. And I respected it. And more than that, I was so appreciative because the minute they were across the street from us, it was like 20ft away. He pushed me away from him, and right as he pushed me, he said, go the fuck inside now. I was really drunk. A B, I was mad. 3C. If he wouldn't have said that to me, I might not have done what I did. It was the idea that he would do that to me right after 9 11, the audacity of him on top of that then to give me permission to go into my own fucking house. So I turned around and I started following him. And he was walking towards Bushwick Avenue, this very busy thoroughfare across the street from the Caucasians with dreadlocks. And I started following him and I yelled across the street, hey, you see this guy here, he has a gun, and he just tried to mug me. At which point one of the girls went, ah. I'll always remember the sound she made. It was like a cross between absolute terror and Are you fucking serious? It was like that. It was like that hybrid sound, you know? And I took out my phone and I called 911. And in a real loud, confrontational voice so he could hear me, I said, she answered. She said, 911. Bored as could be, because my call was nothing compared to her last four days at work. Do you know what I mean? And I said, I've been mugged in Bushwick, and I'm following him. And she said, excuse me, sir. And I said, I've been mugged at gunpoint, and I'm following him now. And she's like, sir, you need to stop following the perpetrator. And at this point, he's jogging, and he's looking over at me and looking to the people across the street, saying, he's crazy, you know? And I'm starting to jog now at this point, too. And the woman's still on the phone. She's like, please stop falling. And I'm like, no. I'm, like, full of rage, and I'm alive. I feel like fucking Braveheart. And she starts saying, sir. Sir. Well, what is he wearing? And I look at him, and he's wearing this red and green striped sweater and a little hat and these brown slacks. And I'm trying to process it, and she keeps asking me, and finally I just start screaming, Freddy Krueger. He looks like Freddy Krueger. And at this point, I am brandishing the Magnum of wine. I'm swinging it in the air like a club. Freddy Krueger. Just screaming, right? And I'm looking at this guy, and as he's running faster and faster, he looks over his shoulder at me, and he has this look in his eye, and no one had ever looked at me with this before, but he looked at me with fear. He was totally scared of all of this. He was terrified. And it made me feel so good, you know, because for the last four days at my job, I didn't get to tell anyone about the friends I was worried about and how much I missed my family and how much I wanted to connect with my friends and how scared I was to live here. I just was a sounding board for all these other people, you know? And what I wanted to do was bash this guy's head in with my huge magnum of wine. That's all I wanted to do was smash Freddy Krueger's face with this giant three gallon thing of Merlot. And right as we get to Bushwick Avenue, he crosses the street. And right after he crosses, this huge throng of traffic separates us. And I stand there and I watch him disappear into this housing project across the street that has this very scary sort of unlit park in the middle of it. And at that point, I kind of throw up my hands. I'm like, I can't. You win, you know, I quit. And I was also very drunk. And I sit down on the curb and the cops come and they put me in the car and drive me around saying, is that him? Is that him? And I'm like, really? This is. This is police work? This is how you do this? And when I get home, I look through my pockets and my things. I had my money, I moved it. But I look in my pocket and he stole my Texas driver's license, which is the thing you need to rent a U Haul. It's the thing you need to drive across the country to safety. And public offices were screwed. They couldn't make you any promises about when they would get you anything. So over the next few days, I got the chance to come down a little. I had my going away party and all my friends from work that were still here came and a bunch of other friends from this gallery I worked at and neighbors. And it was so much fun. And in the process of talking to these people, I met new people. I got a freelance job that I didn't know that I even wanted. Another friend of mine, they had a place in Spanish Harlem. It was a third of the cost of Bushwick. And I probably wouldn't get mugged at gunpoint. And by the end of the going away party, drunkenly, I. I declared, I love you all and I'm never leaving New York. I used my wad of $900 and I moved into Spanish Harlem and I started certain aspects of my life over again. And I've been here now for a very long time. And the crazy thing was, though, a week after all this happened, my mom called me from Texas and she said, honey, I got this piece of mail. It's no return address and it has your name and our address. And I was like, well, open it. And she opened it it and inside was my Texas id. And it was bent and broken and burnt and it had like tire marks on it. And attached to it was this little post it note. And all it said was, whoever you are, I hope you're okay. God bless you. And I still can't bring myself to change it. And I know this sounds really crazy, but I think that part of the reason I keep it is because it makes me feel more like a New Yorker than anything else. Thank you.
- [41:30]
A
This is Risk. This is Ido Maimon behind me now. And you can find David Crab on Instagram at the David Crab his character videos there are truly hilarious. Folks, share your thoughts about these stories at the Risk Podcast Fans Discussion Group on Facebook. Or you can post at the R Risk Podcast subreddit or anywhere on social media using the hashtag I heard it on Risk. And if you've got a story about long shots, about hustles or schemes, pitch it to us and maybe you can be on the next episode of this series. That is all at risk-show.com submissions folks, today's the day. Take a Risk.
- [42:46]
B
La.