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RISK!
The Best of RISK! #12
02:27:17
#12 is one of our all-time best Best of RISK! episodes! The stories span sexual awakening, infertility, inherited darkness, kinky adventure, cartel kidnapping, and child rescue. Richard Cardillo, Michelle Buteau, Moloch Masters, Kevin Allison, Pollo Corral, and Tim C. bring raw, revelatory storytelling that is hilarious, heartbreaking, and at times deeply harrowing.
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Transcript132 lines
- [00:01]
Richard Cardillo
Hey, sweetie. Your mother showed me this Carvana thing
- [00:04]
Kevin Allison
for selling the car.
- [00:05]
Richard Cardillo
I'm gonna give it a try.
- [00:06]
Michelle Buto
Wish me luck.
- [00:07]
Richard Cardillo
Me again.
- [00:08]
Kevin Allison
I put in the license plate.
- [00:09]
Richard Cardillo
It gave me an offer.
- [00:10]
Kevin Allison
Unbelievable. Okay, I accepted the offer.
- [00:14]
Richard Cardillo
They're picking it up Tuesday from the driveway.
- [00:16]
Michelle Buto
I haven't even left my chair. It's done. The car is gone.
- [00:19]
Kevin Allison
I'm holding a check anyway.
- [00:21]
Michelle Buto
Carvana, give it a whirl.
- [00:23]
Kevin Allison
Love ya.
- [00:24]
Michelle Buto
So good you'll want to leave a voicemail about it. Sell your car today on Carvana.
- [00:29]
Richard Cardillo
Pick up. Fees may apply.
- [00:30]
Moloch Masters
Stitch Fix Shopping is hard. Let's talk about it.
- [00:33]
Michelle Buto
I don't have time to shop for clothes. I have to buy everything in three
- [00:37]
Moloch Masters
sizes to find one that fits. They know me at the post office.
- [00:41]
Michelle Buto
Workout wear is my only wear.
- [00:42]
Moloch Masters
Stitch Fix makes shopping easy. Just show your size, style and budget.
- [00:46]
Pollo Corral
And your stylist sends personalized looks right to your door.
- [00:49]
Moloch Masters
No subscription required, plus free shipping and returns.
- [00:52]
Pollo Corral
Oh, wow. That was easy.
- [00:54]
Michelle Buto
Stitch Fix Online Personal styling for everyone.
- [00:57]
Pollo Corral
Take your style quiz today@stitch fix.com. Risk
- [01:07]
Kevin Allison
hey folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years and listen. I want you to spread the word about this episode because this one has to be heard too, to be believed. This is a rerun of the second most downloaded episode in our entire 16 year history. After the episode called Kevin Goes to Kink Camp. This is the second most famous Risk episode. It's the best of risk number 12. And it's risk at its riskiest. Six knockout stories, each story more surprising than the last. It's a long episode. Most folks listen to half of it one day and half another. But several of the Risk stories about which people say I'll never forget that one, are in this one episode. So enjoy and share. The best of risk number 12.
- [02:28]
Pollo Corral
La.
- [03:02]
Kevin Allison
Hello kids. This is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, this is Sage behind me now. And this is the Best of risk number 12. Twice a year we like to do these best of episodes where we look back at the past five or six months and take a look at some of our favorite stories. So if you are brand new to the show or. Or if you're recommending the show to someone to listen to for the first time, these episodes are so essential because people, when they hear Risk described, they're like, oh, okay, yeah, I've heard the moth or this American Life before. They're not quite prepared until they really hear an episode of Risk for the sort of raw emotion, the level of honest revelation, the spirit of, okay, it. I'm going to really speak to you right now the way I might ordinarily only speak to my therapist. That. That heart and soul that people bring to this show. This particular episode, this particular compilation. Holy. You might have to stop and start it and, you know, to take some rest because there's a lot going on here. This is a perfect example of just how hilariously funny and sometimes beautiful, sometimes tear jerking and sometimes shockingly horrifying the show can be. Also, if you're new to the show, you might be one of those people who find me shockingly horrifying. Some people can't stand the hosting of the show. So listen, get your pause buttons or fast forward buttons or whatever ready to go because there's a lot to deal with in this episode. In a little bit, we are going to hear from the wonderful comedian Michelle Buto. But before that, we're going to hear from Richard Cardillo, who is a storyteller based in New York City. He told this one at a live show we did at the Mass Mocha Museum up in North Adams, Massachusetts. Here he is now. This is Richard Cardillo with a story we call Transferable Skills. Is that good?
- [05:50]
Richard Cardillo
Yeah, it's right there. Thank you so much. For most of my life, I've been a teacher. In the last 15, 16 years of my life, I've been the senior manager at an educational nonprofit. Biggest responsibility I have is I mentor all the new interns, all the new grad students, all the people entering the job force for the first time. And I try to instill in them very, very quickly the importance of developing transferable skills. To take those knowledge skills, talents that you have that you're really good in one arena and transfer them to another. And I just told them, you'll be better off in life if you could develop your transferable skills. Yet I never once shared with them the powerful way I found out about my transferable skills. It's 1987, I'm 28 years old and I'm still a virgin. I had spent the last 14 years of my life as a member of a Catholic monastery of religious teaching brothers. At the age of 16, I made this profound decision to give my life to Jesus because doesn't every 16 year old know what they want to do with their penis for the rest of their lives. I was hiding out. I knew what I was doing. I was so afraid of who I was. I was from such a religious family that I couldn't live my life that way. And I figured if I enter a monastery, I could pray away the gay and just work hard enough, go in. And my entire life changed. I was completely repressed. Even my name changed. I'm Richard. For 14 years, I was Brother Mark. So everything changed. I remember kneeling in the chapel in novitiate and just at that time, shaking. Because I said, I know there were alternative things that you could be doing on your knees other than praying, Richard. But I wouldn't. I just couldn't do it. I kind of got into it an awful lot. But the novice master would make us watch the movie Sound of Music all the time. And I'd even fantasize about that. I'd say, you know Maria von Trapp, when she wanted to escape from the monastery, she'd go prancing through the Alps. I wanted to escape from my monastery and go cruising through the Ramble in Central park, the big cruising area there. But I didn't and I wouldn't because I had that of celibacy. I kept channeling the words of Horton, not the saint, the elephant. I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. Brother Mark will be faithful 100%. And I just wanted to live up to my vows. I asked my superiors, please give me really hard work to do. They had assigned me, after teaching for two years in an all boys Catholic high school in Harlem, they had assigned me to teach in the Brothers mission schools in Lima, Peru. And for eight years down there, I worked with the poorest of the poor. But my internal was not changing. I finally couldn't take it anymore. I petitioned Rome for a dispensation of my vows. And I said, I have to bag this whole thing. But more than that, I had to get rid of this virgin territory. So when I left the brothers, I decided to stay in Peru, Almost like a gap year, to just stay put. And I figured I could do my coming out right in Peru, right in Lima, the most repressed country of Latin America. It was still illegal to be gay. It was on the books that sodomy amongst men was illegal. You could be kicked out of the country. I was in the closet with my job at the school where I got employment. And if they ever found out that I was gay, I would have been kicked out of the country. So I figured, just go slowly. You can get out of this, Richard. You can really come out in a slow manner. I'd come home every day from school, and on the steps of my apartment, right on the stoop there, there'd always be this couple. It was Sergio and Mariza. They were a boyfriend and a girlfriend. And I greet them all. Como estas? How are things going? Just small talk. And Sergio was this burly, masculine guy just exuding machismo. And Mariza was just this little wisp of a woman who had the longest black hair I had ever seen. And she'd be seated on the stoop with her legs spread, and Sergio would be spread between her legs, just lounging. And it kind of reminded me of a Latin modern version of Michelangelo's Pieta. And they were great in each other's arms. One day I go home, and it's only Sergio on the steps. So he says, hola, Richard. Como estas? I said, bien, que tale? And he's explaining that Mariza wasn't around, and we're talking more small talk than we ever did. And finally he said, listen, why don't we go get a partechelas, a couple of beers and go up to your apartment and continue the conversation? So I figured, okay, we go upstairs quickly, the conversation turns to sex. And I'm trying to match him beat for beat with all this macho stuff. Yeah, women, you can't live with them, you can't live without them. And I'm going at it with him, and then he starts complaining, complaining about Maritza. Ah, eta embra Mariza. This chick Marita, she won't give me what I want. She will not suck my dick. And I'm like, I knew I was just recently out of the closet, but I already knew that. Gay or straight, oral sex. I thought it was standard on all models. It was just. It came with a package. So this was a shocker for me. And he said, and even more than that, I'm just so mad at her for not doing that. I will not go down on her. Go down. This was the first time I had heard that. So I figured it had something to do with that region down there for women. But I wasn't quite sure, but I didn't ask any questions. And it keeps going on. And finally it gets a little quiet. He says, oye, te puedo preguntar una pregunta bien telecada. Can I ask you a really sensitive question? I said, sure, go ahead. He said, me quieres chupar la pinga te pago. You want to suck my dick? I'll pay you for it. I froze. And then the moral quandary that I was so used to for my whole goddamn life started with the good angel here and the bad angel here. I was saying, richard, you can't do this. You know, he has a girlfriend. It's just not right. You cannot cheat for that. And the other side of me is saying, richard, you need the practice. You need this. You need the practice. You got a learning curve to catch up with. And on the other side, I'm saying, no, he could really blackmail you. He could take you to the cleaners and you could be kicked out of the country, so you gotta be careful. And then the other side of me is saying, no, but you need to practice. But the reptilian brain kicked in. In my back, and I'm thinking inside my head, fuck, yes, I wanna suck your dick. Of course I do.
- [12:34]
Kevin Allison
School's open.
- [12:35]
Richard Cardillo
School's in session. This is the learning curve. Get to it. Come on. So I look at him very meekly, and I said, okay. Takes his pants off. He takes his underwear off. And I get on my knees, because I'm thinking that's what I'm supposed to do. And I look at him, and he looks a little bit different from me. And I was used to that. Most men in Lima are uncircumcised, uncut. So while I'm down there, he pulls back the foreskin, and I see this big bulbous head on him, and I start licking it. And he starts moaning. And I'm like, I'm doing something right. So I go a little bit further in, and he starts moaning faster and faster. So I said, go a little bit more. And I do, because he's just moaning now, like crazy. Now, I don't want to brag. Well, actually, yes, I do want to brag. I don't know if it's all the old alter wine through the ages. I don't know if it was the Gregorian chant that opened up my windpipes. But from that first moment, I never had an issue with a gag reflex. So I just kept going deeper and deeper and saying, this is fine. I can do it. And he's saying, ma profundo, ma profundo. Deeper, deeper. And I'm like, I'll go deeper, deeper. He finishes, he comes, gets up. Not too many words, no payment, like he said. And he leaves. Two nights later, a knock on my window. Richard e Sergio, come on in. Same thing. He gets ready. I'm going at it. Ma profundo, ma profundo. And we're just going at it. And we finish, and this time when he's getting dressed, he said, listen, I want to ask you something. I have two really great buddies, and I swore them to secrecy, but I told them what you do, and they said they'd pay you for that same service. And I'm like, you know, I don't want to get into this. The next night, a guy comes to my house, and he said, I paid Sergio. And he said he was gonna pay you and that you'd give me a service. And I'm like, fuck, no. He didn't pay me anything. No way. But I do it. Two nights later, another guy comes. Same thing. I paid Sergio. You gotta do. So this was going back and forth between the three of them for about a month now. Every two nights. One night, there's a heavy pounding on my door. And I open it up, and Sergio is there. And he lunges at me, takes me by the neck, and he puts me up against the wall, and he's choking me. He said, hoye, tu maricon de mierda te mato. You fucking faggot, I will kill you. And I'm like, quete pasa? Quete pasa? What's going on? What did I do? And he said, I am really in deep shit. Marita has been following me to your apartment, and she thinks she knows what I've been up to. And she now has this crazy idea that we're sleeping together. And I'm thinking, well, it's not that crazy an idea. We technically are sleeping together. But I said, okay, I'm just too scared. Let go of my neck. He said, you are going to do exactly what I say, or I'm going to tell everybody and out you at school. You're going to be out of this country so fast. I had to think fast. And here's what I came up with. I told Marita that you were a flate, a call boy, a hustler. I told her that you were a flate and that you are an expert at going down on women, and I was scouting you out for her, and that I paid you to eat her out. Now I start freaking. I had never, ever been in the presence of a naked woman. The closest I ever came was when I was a freshman in high school. I accidentally opened the door to the bathroom, and my sister was coming out of the shower, and I'm kicking my freshman self, saying, why the fuck didn't you listen to anatomy class in biology about female anatomy? I didn't know what to do. Now I'm freaking And I'm in deep shit. I call my friend Cheryl. She was the only teacher in the school that knew about me. Cheryl was like my earth mother. She was just so. She would luxuriate in her sexuality and sensuality, and she'd sit there with her Virginia Slim, blowing it up in the air, recounting and regaling all her tales of sex with men, with women, with threesomes. And she'd always say to me, you gotta start moving on this. And I let her know that night. I told you I started moving on it with Sergio.
- [17:03]
Moloch Masters
But.
- [17:03]
Richard Cardillo
But we got an issue here now, Cheryl, and I need help. You gotta tutor me. What the fuck do I do to eat somebody out? She says, richard, take it easy. We can work this out. Now start rubbing down there. Real easy, like. And then when you get down there, pretend it's a really hot summer day and you just bought a soft serve ice cream cone. And you gotta lick it real fast before it starts melting all over the place. So she said, try that, start licking. And she's like, faster, faster. And she said, that's it, keep doing that. So I'm like, okay, I'll practice. I said, you know, could I with my tongue? I've heard of a woman's G spot. Can I, you know, hit her G spot with my tongue? She said, well, you can if you're a lizard, but no, no, you can't do that. Not at all. Why are you licking that saucer of ice cream cone? Stick your finger up there and feel through all those regions and those ridges and you'll feel a little knob and touch it really simply. But then start going faster and faster. But Richard, this is your first time out. You will never, ever find the G spot. Don't worry about it. The next night, knock on the door, Maritza's there. She said, oh, yeah, Richard, Sergio told me your secret about being a Fleta. I promise it's safe with me. And he said he'd pay you for the services you're going to give me tonight. I'm like, fuck, no.
- [18:21]
Kevin Allison
There's no money.
- [18:22]
Richard Cardillo
He didn't pay me anything. So she gets down on the bed, she takes all her clothes off. I wasn't sure if I had to take my clothes off. And I start rubbing away. And then I go down there and I put my mouth down there and I'm not repulsed. I mean, there's this idea that they talk about gay men that are just revolted by the sight of female pussy. For me, the first thing that hit me was an Absence of something. There was no penis there, and I was used to having penises there. But more than that, it was the presence of this one that was great to the eye, great to the touch, great to the smell. And I just was not afraid. So I went at it, and I start licking away like it's a soft serve ice cream cone. And she's moving around and she's writhing, and she starts the moaning. So I'm like, richard, what you did to Sergio, what you're doing to Maritza, transferable skill. You got it down. So I'm going at it, and she is reeling and writhing. So I figured you'd go for it, Richard, Stick your finger up there. See what you could do. So I'm sticking my finger up and I touch something. And she gets electric. She is moving around, and now she's screaming. And I think I'm hurting her, so I stop and I pull my hand out and she's saying, don't stop.
- [19:32]
Kevin Allison
Don't stop.
- [19:33]
Richard Cardillo
That feels so good. Don't stop. So I keep doing it. Little later, she orgasms. She comes, she gets dressed. Without too many words, she leaves. The next night, it's Sergio. He wants his blowjob. Okay, come on in. Ma profundo. Ma profundo. We got it all. That's fine. Two nights later, Mariza, it's her turn, and this tag team's going on. So I go at it, and she's screaming again. I find that G spot again, and I want to scream out with glee, cheryl, I found it. But I didn't. She's getting dressed, and she says to me, listen, I got a favor. I have two really good girlfriends. And I told them what you do, and they'll pay me. I'll give the money to Sergio. And I'm like, I don't want to get into this. And then I'm thinking, no, you two are perfect together. Two frigging peas in a pod. All this clandestine, all this payment of money, nothing. You two deserve each other. That's what I'm about. Talking, thinking. This goes on for about six months, and I'm finally at wit's end. I'm like, I am not getting what I want. I am not living. I am not living this authentic, transparent gay life that I really wanted. And I knew I wasn't gonna find it in Lima anymore. So I made the decision at the end of that academic year to come back and leave the country. And I did. I finished teaching, I got on a plane, I came to New York City, and I Move in on the Lower east side. And within a month of coming back to New York, I met a guy who ended up being my loving partner for 18 years of a beautiful relationship. It was great. It was great. And within a short amount of time, I knew this is what I wanted. This is what I wanted all along. This openness, this transparency, this sense of adventure. But mutual adventure. This is just what I wanted. On our 10th year of being together anniversary, we decided to go to this really fancy restaurant on the Lower Were we East. East side, where we lived. And Peter decided he wanted to play this game. So we're drinking a whole bottle of wine and he said, you know, I want to play this idea of what are things after being 10 years together that we still don't know about each other? And I figured I gotta come clean. So I said, you know, Peter, right before I met you, my time in Peru, I. Long story, but I went down on a woman. And he looked at me, he said, you did what? No, you didn't. I said, I did. I went down on a woman. And I was really, really good at it too. And he looked at me and he furrowed his brow. And then he smiled and said, you know, Richard, for 10 years, I have always known you as a guy that would do anything for anybody. So, yeah, this is in the realm of possibility that you'd go down on a woman. And to tell you the truth, I am proud that you did it. And I felt a little bit redeemed. I felt pretty good about that. We leave the restaurant, we're walking back, and it's this sweltering hot summer night, and we get to our apartment on Clinton street. And right in front of our house, there's always this truck with Mr. Softy. So we decided to get two soft serve ice cream cones. And we took them and we go and we sit on our front stoop and Peter spreads his legs and I'm just lounging in front of him and he's playing with my hair. And we must have been like this image of a very gay, modern Michelangelo's Pieta. And we're licking away and I look at that soft serve and I started licking as fast as I could. And you know something? Not one motherfucking drop hit that ground. Thank you.
- [23:16]
Pollo Corral
Meet me.
- [23:16]
Richard Cardillo
Meet me at the ice cream truck.
- [23:18]
Michelle Buto
I'll buy you an ice cream. I'll whip out my drumstick that will make your eyes gleam, Lick it up quick before it melts on the floor.
- [23:26]
Moloch Masters
I got it. Uno, dos, tres, quattro.
- [23:29]
Pollo Corral
Give me some More.
- [23:30]
Moloch Masters
Okay.
- [23:31]
Pollo Corral
Meet me at some ice cream.
- [23:32]
Moloch Masters
Ch.
- [23:33]
Michelle Buto
I'll buy you an ice cream. I can taste of my luck.
- [23:42]
Richard Cardillo
Hi.
- [23:45]
Pollo Corral
How you guys doing? You looking good. My feelings have feelings. Okay. So one year for Christmas, my mother got me health insurance, and she literally was like, here is the Kickstarter for your Cigna health insurance. You're too cute for bacteria. Keep it moving. And then two months later, I found out I had a benign brain tumor. So I was like, bitch, never get me a present again, because this is all your fault. So I found out I had this tumor because I wasn't getting my period. And I went to the doctor, and he took some blood tests, and he's like, you have a high level of prolactin, which means one of two things. It means you have a benign tumor on your pituitary or you have a cyst on your ovary. And I was like, oh, my God, more Christmas presents. Thank you. And I always considered myself to be healthy, you know? Like, I could do all the stretches and the moves in yoga class. I could touch my toes. I'm, like, very flexible for a size 16. I'm like, I'm cool. You know? Like, there's always, like, 10 to 12 pounds you have to lose. But, like, I never felt like I was sick. And so when I heard that I had a tumor, they were like, but benign is the word you want to hear. I'm like, I don't want to hear any of these words. Like, I don't want to hear any. Like, my friend's mom got throat cancer, and she's like, it's kind of the cancer you want. I'm like, you don't want any cancer. Like, benign all of a sudden makes it okay. Yeah, thank God, you know? Like, it won't kill me, but it's just like, oh, it's not aids. It's hiv. Or like, oh, he's not racist. He's prejudiced. There's a difference. You know, it's like 10,000 spoons when you. I'm bad at examples. Anyways. I'm so bad at examples. But leaving the hospital knowing that something's growing in your brain. Like, I've never seen Grey's Anatomy,
- [25:50]
Michelle Buto
but
- [25:50]
Pollo Corral
when I was walking down that hall, like, I heard Coldplay, and I, like, was like, oh, my God. Like, this is. What would Katherine Heigl do? So when you have a mass in your pituitary, your body thinks it's pregnant already. And one of the two signs that, you know your tumor is getting bigger is if you have blurred peripheral vision or if you're lactating. And I was like, oh, more gifts. Keep them coming. So I have to go visit this endocrinologist, right? And I didn't even know what an endocrinologist was. I don't even know how to spell it. Thank God for ZocDoc and spell check. It's a doctor for your hormones. And, you know, I always. For whatever reason, I love Indian doctors. I just feel safe. I feel like they know a lot of stuff from other countries, whatever. So I found, like, the oldest Indian doctor. He looked like E.T. he was adorable. He was just like. He was just a bag of bones. But I could tell he had so many awards and certificates. I was like, yes. Like. Like he had three hairs, like, on his head and, like, so much hair on his ears. I was like, whatever. This is his journey. I'm not gonna judge it. And he was so old that he had his son in the room with him taking notes while he was talking to me because he couldn't remember it all. And I was like, is this a sign? And then. I will never forget. Because, guys, you never forget this day where your doctor asks you to milk your own breasts in front of him. Where were you when that happened? Everybody, look at your partner. I'm just kidding, Because I think this is so ridiculous. Anyways. I'm just like, are you serious? He's like, yes, you have to milk your breasts. I'm like, are you serious? He's like, you have to milk your is breasts coming out. I'm like, no. He's like, well, let's try and milk it. I'm like, Okay. So I just kind of, like, am topless with, like, Patel and son. This is my truth.
- [28:24]
Moloch Masters
And
- [28:27]
Pollo Corral
so I'm just trying to, like, just, like, squeeze my boob. And Dr. Patel kind of yells at me. He goes, harder. I was like, all right. He's like, like, you're milking a cow. I'm like, what? He goes like, you're milking a cow. And I'm like, do I look like I know how to milk a cow? Do I look like I am serving farm to, like, table realness right now? No, honey, I do not know how to milk a cow. I've never even been camping, okay? The closest I've ever been to camping is eating sushi with my hands on the subway. Yuck. So gross. You never really use a soy sauce that way either. But. So, of course, Dr. Patel's like, let me do it. And I'm like, okay. So then he wraps it, his hand around it like it's a big ass hamburger. And he's like, kind of like trying to, like, get the ducks all warm or whatever. I don't know. And then his hands start shaking and he's like, kind of holding onto my beautiful brown bosom as if, like, he's like water skiing. And, like, my boob is like the rope attached to the boat. He's like, ah. So then sun comes in. He's like, are you okay? And it's just like four hands, one tit. I mean, I was like, guys, can we just say there's no milk? And I left his office feeling like, okay, I have graduated from Grey's Anatomy to, like, every Adam Sandler movie. This is going to be my life. So a couple years have passed by, and my levels are, like, normal because I could take medication for it. And, you know, my husband and I are thinking about having kids because, you know, I'm Caribbean, he's Dutch, our kids will be so cute. Like, they'd have a hashtag and the Uniqlo campaign, like, it's a whole. An interracial thing. Oh, you know, just like. So I'm like, of course this is what we have to do. But the question is, okay, how do you get pregnant when your body already thinks it's pregnant? So now I have to go see a fertility doctor. And I'm like, what? Like, I was almost a joke to me because I'm Jamaican and Haitian. Like, I should get pregnant just like, dancing to Marc Anthony or waltz working to Beanie Mom. The minute I hear romantic call by Patch, I'm like, put your dick away. You know what I mean? Cause, like, so for me, I'm like, oh, my. I can't believe this is gonna be my life. But, okay, let's talk about it. And I'm talking to the fertility doctor, and he's just giving me all these, like, big names. I'm like, you gotta slow it down. I'm from Jersey, okay? You gotta keep it real simple. And he's like, okay, you're gonna have to do in vitro fertilization, ivf. And I'm like, go on. And he's like, basically, we're gonna pump you up with hormones. They're gonna pump me up with hormones like a Purdue chicken breast, right? And then they're gonna monitor me three times a week. I have to go in three times a week and spread for strangers and do blood work. And I was like, okay, why do you have to check me so often? And he literally said, so you don't become octomom. I was like, okay, you remember that, bitch. What is octo mom doing now? She does not have enough titties to feed all them kids. So everyone has this idea of like, what it's going to be like when you have kids, right? Like, oh, we were drunk and we were like in the backseat of his whatever, overlooking that mountain or whatever. But for me, it's like my husband has to go into a room and jerk off in a dish. I have to pump my body up with hormones. They have to take out my eggs. They have to see if my eggs like his sperm and they chill and if they still like each other, they put them back in. And I'm like, okay, that's fine. At this point, I'm like, it's all good. Just do it. I'll probably have twins. They'll be so cute. I'll be like, reality show ready, Go, go, go, go, go. So the first week I started hormone shots. My husband was giving me the shots because. Cause I'm like, if I gotta take them, you gotta give it. Okay? Like, that's how that goes. Sort of like, I cook, you clean. You know what I mean? And I had too much one night, got a little tipsy. Not drunk, but tipsy. And I forgot I was taking hormones. And I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Then I cried, then I laughed. Then I wrote a poem about it. Then I did seven push ups. That was week one. Week two, I adopted a dog. My ovaries were high fiving and I'm like, I gotta take care of something. And my husband was like, what kind of dog do you want? I'm like, a big one. And so he adopted a lab mastiff. And I was like, I should have googled what a mastiff was because I have a fucking pony. And so now I'm taking hormone shots and just picking up shit all day. I'm like, what am I? I feel like a farmer. So finally I reached the end of that cycle and I still didn't take it as seriously as I should. Like, I even showed up for my, like, transfer, my little harvesting transfer. When they put the eggs back in you. I showed up really hungover. Like, I opened my legs and it was just like, Jameson. And I was just like, I'm so. But I'm like, whatever. I'm 37. I have freckles and like brown titties. I'm cute. Whatever, just put it in. We'll see what happens. You guys are so judging. So I got pregnant and I thank you. And I was like, yeah, this is awesome. Of course I'm gonna be pregnant. Like, I'm Caribbean. This is like what happens, you know, Like, I spread my legs, I paid the $20,000. Cause insurance doesn't cover it. And I was still working and doing comedy. I was on the Nightly show with Larry Wilmore. And I was on with Bill Nye the Science Guy. And it was. This week was so crazy because they found water on Mars, but it wasn't trending. Caitlyn Jenner was trending. So the producer had produced me in a way to be like, why is this not trending? And I was like, well, maybe if the water were like tears of Caitlyn Jenner, it would be trending. And so I said something along those lines. And Bill Nye the Science Guy was like, da fuck. And so I got so. I've never been Internet bullied before. And it was just like rape threats, death threats. Bill Cosby wouldn't even rape you. All this other shit. And I was like, oh my God, really? Bill Cosby would rape me, by the way. And like, not that I'm bragging, I'm just letting you know. And I was like, this is insane. And I've like never been Internet bullied like this. And I was like, I couldn't even look at the Internet because I was like, people are so, they're just, they're just so mean. And so I went to my doctor for my weekly sonogram and I had lost the baby. And I knew for certain it was for stress. And I was like, you know what? That's cool. I'm a survivor. I'm a boss ass bitch. Let's keep it going. I got the money. I'm going to go back in, I'm going to do this IVF and we're going to make this happen, right? This is like so insane. The only day they could do abortions was on a Wednesday. I had a pilot in la. I flew to LA with a dead fetus inside me. I know I put on some Spanx and fake lashes and I was just like, hey, how are you? And people would ask me, how do I feel? And I'm like, dead inside. Because literally I had dead inside. And I have to laugh through my pain, y', all, because I'm really too cute to be this sad. Do you know what I mean? But I was like, I'm a boss ass bitch. I'm gonna take care of this shit. I'm get you your pilot. I'm gonna come back and do my abortion and do my thing. And healed and went back into IVF again. Okay, thank you, thank you. And this time I was like, I'm gonna be like a Puerto Rican Gwyneth Paltrow. I'm gonna be like a holistic healer. I was chia seeds in my teeth, acai berries. I learned how to say acai. No. Caffeine, acupuncture, like maca hemp seeds. I was like, yo, what tea tree? What's up? Let's do a split. And did another cycle of ivf, Got pregnant. I was like, thank you, thank you, thank you. Then I was out to dinner one night with my husband and his Dutch friends. He, Dutch. And. I had a weird stomachache. And I was like, oh, this ceviche is fucking me up, because you don't even know what's happening in your body sometimes when it happens, right? And so I was like, no, this doesn't feel right. And I went to the bathroom, and I was having another miscarriage. And I don't know if you guys have ever been through anything like this, but there's never a convenient time to go through something like this, right? And when I came back to the table, I felt like one of those old TV shows, you know, where, like, the wife is like, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a minute? And everybody knew something was wrong, but I couldn't tell them, because also, talking about this makes people very uncomfortable. And I was really sad. But then I was also like, what's wrong with me? What's happening? I had all these questions, and no one could answer them. I tried to talk to even my mom about it, and she didn't even know what to do. She was like, well, how's your husband? I'm like, who gives a fuck about him? He's fine. He's fine. He could have babies till he's 90. In fact, I feel like men could die and your sperm would still be alive. It's not fair. I'm sorry, guys. I was feeling a little worn out, but I was reading a lot of stuff online how two miscarriages is totally normal. And a lot of people have miscarriages but don't talk about it. So you don't even know that, right? So I'm like, no problem. Okay? I lost four pounds. I was feeling good about myself. I'm gonna go back in and do another ivf. I go back in, I do the ivf, I get pregnant again. And I'm just like, eye on the prize. Y' all don't stress me. Don't come near me. I'm not gonna do your panel show. I'm not gonna fly and do your pilot. It's gonna be all about me, right?
- [39:04]
Moloch Masters
Of course.
- [39:04]
Pollo Corral
I get a phone call for work, and my manager's like, channing Tatum is doing Magic Mike Live in Vegas. I was like, say what? Can you imagine my pregnant ass around all these naked men? I was like, what time is the meeting? So I go and meet his creative team, and they look. Just picture how you think his creative team look. Okay? It was a long white table with white chairs. Everybody has, like, abs. They're super nice. They're like, oh, my God, we love that you own your sexuality. And I was like, yes. Don't get it twisted. And they're showing me videos of guys, like, jumping over, like, women half naked, and they're singing, and it's just like a very sexy America's Got Talent audition. And they're just. And they're like, why do you think you would want to host this? And I'm, like, talking about how women should own their sexuality and not apologize for liking stuff and just be out in, like, political climate right now. Like, women just need to go out and just find a safe space. And as I'm talking to them, I feel myself having another fucking miscarriage. And I'm like, is this really happening right now? Am I just gonna fuck up everybody's white furniture? Is this what's gonna happen? So I got up and I left. I didn't get the job, which is fine. But what is fucked up is every time I see Channing Tatum, I think of miscarriage. And at this point, I really just have to say to myself, I'm tired. I'm tired. It's not fair. I don't know why. I am a good person. I take care of everybody's kids. You know, I've been trying so long. People have been single, and now they're married with kids. The people that don't even pay their bills have kids now. Like, everybody's got the kids. You know what I mean? And people think they're helping me by sending me pictures of their dumb kids. I don't give a fuck about your kids. I want my own. Thank you. But I just don't know. I'm such a fighter, and I'm not a sad person, but I just don't know what to do anymore because it feels like I've been in a car three times, and each time I've gotten in a car accident. So it's like, how do I get
- [41:31]
Kevin Allison
back in that car?
- [41:35]
Pollo Corral
The good thing is though, I'm cute and I'm funny, so I can make money. I can make money and I can find other options like surrogacy and adoption. Because honestly, there are so many tender little kids in this world that need homes too, that I am open to it. And you guys are amazing. Thank you for listening to my story.
- [42:11]
Michelle Buto
K Pop Demon Hunters, Haja Boy's Breakfast Meal and Hunt Trick's Meal have just dropped at McDonald's. They're calling this a battle for the fans.
- [42:18]
Richard Cardillo
What do you say to that?
- [42:19]
Michelle Buto
Is that Rumi?
- [42:20]
Kevin Allison
It's not a battle.
- [42:21]
Pollo Corral
So glad the Saja boys could take breakfast and give our meal the rest of the day.
- [42:25]
Kevin Allison
It is an honor to share.
- [42:27]
Michelle Buto
No, it's our honor.
- [42:29]
Kevin Allison
It is our larger honor.
- [42:31]
Pollo Corral
No, really, stop. You can really feel the respect in this battle.
- [42:36]
Michelle Buto
Pick a meal to pick a side
- [42:39]
Pollo Corral
and participate in McDonald's while supplies last. Pepsi Prebiotic Cola in original and cherry
- [42:45]
Moloch Masters
vanilla that Pepsi taste you love with
- [42:48]
Pollo Corral
just 30 calories and no artificial sweeteners.
- [42:52]
Michelle Buto
Pepsi Prebiotic Cola unbelievably Pepsi.
- [42:57]
Moloch Masters
This episode is brought to you by State Farm. You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips?
- [43:04]
Michelle Buto
That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance.
- [43:07]
Moloch Masters
With over 19,000 local agents, they help
- [43:09]
Michelle Buto
you find the coverage that fits you
- [43:12]
Moloch Masters
so you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go online@statefarm.com like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.
- [43:23]
Kevin Allison
Hey folks, It's Kevin from 2026 again. Listen, if you love Risk, please help spread the word about the show. One way to do that and to shout down the haters is by writing us great reviews and giving us five star ratings on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or podchaser. Those reviews really do help bring more people to the show and share this the best of risk number 12 with folks because it's really something.
- [44:14]
Pollo Corral
How alone do I have to wait for you, honey Before a girl like me can move on? Oh baby, tell me how long do I have to wait for your honey Before I can say that you're gone Every hour seems like a day and every day is night A year and every week is an eternity well, I get lonely baby when you're not here oh baby tell me how far do
- [44:53]
Moloch Masters
I have to wait for you, honey
- [44:55]
Pollo Corral
so a girl like me can move on oh baby, tell me hello Do I have to wait for your money Before I can say that, you're gone.
- [45:10]
Kevin Allison
This is Risk. This is Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings behind me now. And we just heard from the wonderful Michelle Buto, who you can find@michellebutto.com that's B U T E A U. Before that, a little bit of that song Ice Cream Truck by Caswell. If you've never seen the video for that one, it is well worth checking out. Now we're going to feature three stories in a row without any hosting in between them. So here's a big chunk of storytelling coming at you. The last person we're gonna hear from is Pollock Corral. I can tell you a little bit more about Pollo after his story in the middle. We're going to hear a story told by me at a Risk live show at the Bell House in Brooklyn. But first, we're going to start with a young woman who goes by the name Moloch Masters. That's her pen name. She's actually a horror fiction writer. But this story is not fiction. Malik was a fan of the show who reached out to me, said she had some extraordinary revelations, some really dark and scary stuff that she wanted to talk about, about her family history, some skeletons in the closet. One of my favorite quotes from Carl Jung, the psychologist, is, one does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. And so now here is Moloch Masters with a story we call in the Shadows.
- [47:15]
Moloch Masters
I was thinking about a time when me and my dad bonded. It was a Dead or Alive video. You spin me right around. And we got up and we started dancing to the video. And my dad stopped me, and he's like, do you see the way he shimmies? Let's shimmy the way he shimmies. So we started a shimmy. And it was so fun because my dad was always so guarded. And he just totally dropped it all. And we just had fun, and it was. It was really great because that was a moment that was just for me and him. My dad had this uncanny ability to put up walls around himself. It was just like this magic force field that no one can get through. So he was. He was six. Six. And, like, just how big he was. No one would mess with my dad. He had to develop that ability to keep his defenses strong because everything that was going on with his parents, he just. He had to build a wall between them. He had to build that wall to keep himself safe and sane. He was an escapist. He read fantasy books like no Tomorrow. And you Know, his world was about Star Trek and, you know, movies and just anything that had nothing to do with reality. Sci fi, fantasy, horror, that was his land. But when you tried to bring him back into the real world, he would always veer back off into his own land. He was always there, but he wasn't really present. I was a big fan of metal music. One of the recurring themes in an album I listened to a lot was kill or be killed or kill them all. I know a lot of people say, well, this stuff is bad, so it's gonna make you violent. I gravitated towards that because I was already violent. That was already within me. I inherited that. It was something that has been a part of my family for years. I was living in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, and there was a boy. His name was Paul, and Paul was a stereotypical dork. He had those big, thick, thick black glasses, and he was a lot taller than me. He was really pale. And I was attracted to him. I liked him. But as a child, I was probably around nine years old, maybe eight. I didn't know how to express my feelings for him. So I started to punch him. I didn't know why, but when I would hit him and I could see the pain register on his face, it felt like fireworks were going off. It was very satisfying to me, and I was just fascinated by it. One day, my grandparents were talking about how girls can't beat up boys. And I said, I can beat up a boy and I'll show you. So they came along and they stood across the street while I just hit this kid over and over and over, and I kicked him and I hit him. And my grandparents were laughing and cheering and waving their arms like this was the best thing they'd ever seen. That was the first thing I can think of where I started getting really terrible. I remember when my dad got really sick, I was telling him he was a terrible dad. And, like, how could he say this and how could he say that? And then he just looked at me and he said, some parents rape their children. I'm not perfect, but that kind of thing happens. I. I didn't know what to do or what to say. I was in complete shock. And as time passed, I realized that that was him telling me that my grandpa not only abused his own wife, but abused his children as well. If you were looking for darkness in my family, you didn't have to look far. I remember finding a microwave in the darkroom, and I opened it up, and the smell that hit me was a smell that I've never smelled before since it was this horrid smell, stench. It was thick. It was alive. It was dead. It was so many things at once. And I looked inside the microwave and I saw brown splatters, mold, and a lot of fur, flattened furry things on the bottom of the microwave. I was horrified. I was scared. I didn't understand what I found. And I took it to my dad. My dad didn't have a reaction. My dad looked in the microwave and he just was like, yeah, that's your great grandpa. He was a very messed up person, and he got a lot of pleasure from harming smaller, weaker things. He was throwing the rats in the microwave and he was watching them die. And that was his entertainment. I didn't understand. I didn't have any backstory. I didn't know why this person who was really nasty to everyone. There was no question he was a bad person. But I didn't understand, like, why someone would go from just being a jerk to everyone to killing small animals. And my dad just. It was so familiar to him. He didn't even need to examine it. And that scared me. My mom had no concept of who my dad was. She's always worshiped authority figures. What the authority figure says, you do it. She always followed the rules. She didn't have that inner voice that was calling her to the dark side like my dad did. And, like, I have. And that way, like, I related to my dad a lot more than my mom, but I got along with my mom a lot better because my mom was always nice. I remember when Silence of the Lambs came out, like, he would quote that movie over and over again, like, so I ate his liver with a nice Chianti and some fava beans. And, like, we would all quote it to each other. And things were definitely odd, like, amongst the family members, because he'd bring up topics like, would you ever eat anyone? I'd say, I'd eat the people I hate because I was getting bullied. And it made me feel powerful to say, yeah, I'd eat those jerks, you know? But he was very difficult to read because he did have that force field ability. And the things he kept inside the force field were as important as the things he was keeping outside. My dad's closet, it was a regular closet, but there was a wall that didn't go all the way up to the ceiling. And if you climbed up the wall, there was a whole new room in there, had shiny wooden floors, and it was really neat. And the kids weren't Allowed up there. Everybody knew. No kids allowed. But of course, when you're a kid and your parents tell you not to do something, that means you're going to do it a lot more. At least that's how I was. I would go up there and I would read everything in boxes, under pillows, and just. I remember finding a magazine. And it was a little magazine. It had three staples in it, and I had four illustrations. Every illustration was a different color. The first illustration was of a woman jogging, and it said she wouldn't be good to eat because she doesn't have enough meat on her. Her bones would be ropey and rough, and you might as well not even bother. And there was another picture, and it was in a different color. And it was of a bodybuilder. And this bodybuilder, the article said, would be a waste of effort because his muscles are also way too tough to eat. And then the next picture was of an obese man. And it said that he had too much excess fat on his body and not enough edible material. So you would have to deal with too much waste production. And then there was a regular guy, a little heavy in the middle, but, you know, not obese, just a bit big. And it said because of his sedentary lifestyle, that he would be the best person to eat because his muscles would be soft and he had the right amount of fat to keep the meat moist. And you wouldn't have to worry about disposing of a ton of waste material. And the title of the article was, what Kind of Person Would Be the Best Meal? At that time, I was. I had a lot of bullies. So I really believed that some people would be better meals than human beings. So when I should have run away screaming, part of me was fascinated. Part of me was laughing at it, and part of me was confused. The things that were hidden up there didn't really seem bad. My friend's parents were hiding porno magazines. My dad was hiding just articles and anatomy books. I was very attracted to the anatomy books. And that's why I continued looking through his stash. Because the first time I saw a picture of an illustration of a man without skin, I felt alive. My nerves came to life. I could tap my fingers together and I would feel a feeling of absolute ecstasy going up my arm and moving down my legs and then going to the tips of my toes and moving back up, going to my scalp, and then my scalp tingling. And all I'd have to do is look at that picture and tap my fingers together. I understood that for some people, porn magazines are porn, but for other people, human anatomy books are porn. And I couldn't get enough of it. If something turns you on, you. In my family, you know, we come from a lot of conservative Christians, so sex is very bad. So if anything is sexy at all, you hide it and you don't talk about it. And that was a kind of sexy that I understood. And a kind of sexy my dad understood too, because it was hidden. When I was a child, I didn't eat very much, but I hated ham. I hated ham. So when my dad came to my bedroom and he said, I cooked some ham, most of it's done cooking. Would you like some ham? I said, I do not want ham. I do not like ham. I don't want ham. And he said, well, this isn't regular ham. This is the best ham that you're ever gonna eat, and you'll be very sad if you don't try any. And I said, I don't care. I don't want any ham. My dad leaves, and he comes back, and he has this little pink piece of meat in his palm. It's light pink, and there's like a strange gossamer coating on one side of it. When I look at it, I know it's not ham. There's no fat marbleized in the meat. The color's wrong. There's just something not right. But I pick it up, and I take a bite of it. And my teeth cut through, through the meat, like I'm biting into play D'oh. I chew, and my mouth floods with saliva. I don't taste the salty ham taste. I don't taste the meaty ham taste. This is something completely different. This is something unlabeled. And my brain is flashing that signal. But it also tastes really good. I look at the meat, and I can see where my teeth had cut through it. The fibers of the meat were compact. The texture of the meat was almost like velvet. And my dad said, don't stare at it. Just eat it. So I eat the rest. My dad goes away, and I continue to think about this delicious meat. And I go downstairs because I want to sneak some more. I don't want him to have the satisfaction, knowing that I think it's delicious. But when I'm on my way to the kitchen, he. He stops me. He gets in my way. He's blocking me from the oven. He's blocking me from the kitchen. He's blocking me from seeing what's going on in there. And if he was just cooking ham why does he have to shield me from that? I tell him that I want more ham, and he says, there is no more ham. I go back up to my room because when my dad puts that wall down, there's just no getting past it. I was just left to wonder, what did I eat? I kept looking for. For answers to the question. I went back to the alcove in my dad's closet and all the magazines and anatomy books were gone. My dad died in 1999. He had 14 tumors in his brain and one was the size of a lemon. After his death, my mother would not allow any talk about anything he ever did bad. He was dead. It was just time to leave it alone. But I needed to talk about it. And when I said, well, that time dad did this, my mom would say it was because he had 14 tumors in his brain. My dad gave me the ham before those tumors had a chance to grow in his brain. I would love to blame the ham incident on the tumors, but I can't. I feel it's important to talk about the bad things my dad did because that's a part of who he was. I don't want him to be watered down. I don't want him to be generic. He wasn't generic. He wasn't watered down. He was alive. He was vivid. He was colorful. He was good. He was bad. He was in the middle. I just don't want the man I knew to become a part of someone else's mythology instead of who he was. I have no doubt what I ate that day was an. It wasn't ham. I know what ham tastes like. I believe that my dad fed me human flesh, which makes him a cannibal. It makes me a cannibal. Intentionally, unintentionally. It's what happened. My dad, he always wanted to go in his own direction, but sometimes the direction he went in was the wrong one. But at the end of it all, I forgive him and I love him.
- [69:41]
Kevin Allison
I have a brand new story tonight, and it's very kinky and it's very graphic. So buckle your seat belts and let's see what happens. All right? Do you guys remember that Zoloft commercial from long time ago? But it was like a little blob. It was like a little egg that was laying on its. And the announcer said, do you suffer from social anxiety? And I was like pouring my fourth glass of wine when I first saw them. I was like, social anxiety? Yes. I'm like that little blob. Well, that's exactly what I was Thinking for four days straight, when this past August, I finally returned to kink camp. Now, the first time I ever went to one of these big sex fests in the woods was in 2011. And at the time, I remember saying to myself, oh, my God. Oh, fuck, Kevin. The next time you come to one of these things, you have got to invite a play partner in case, you know, whoever else shows up at the goddamn thing. It doesn't end up working out right. So that first year, I did make a friend. His name was Bart, but he was not at all my type. He was a huge, like, teddy bear of a man with a beard down to his belly. And I remember him saying to me at lunch one day, you know, all these barely clothed people at lunch? He says, hey, Kev, you think this camp is nuts? Well, things are even more intense at kink camps just for men. They don't have so many rules about things like consent. Basically, they just have, like, a guy from the Bronx get up at lunch and say something like, hey, guys, if anyone here happens to have a heart attack in the dungeon, please just have the decency to take your dick out of your hand long enough to call an emt. So Bart said that one camp like this is so secret that it's by invite only. So last August, he invites me. So we're getting out of the car right at camp, and there's 300 men in the sunshine having a cocktail party, very first day. And the thing was, I couldn't bring a play partner this time. So you know how it is when you're at a party. Everyone knows everyone, and, you know, no one. So the voice of the have already started in my head, like, oh, my God, what if they're not nice to me? And, oh, my God, what's the worst that could happen? Now, I had talked to this to my therapist the day before, and he said, well, Kevin, in situations with men, what is the worst that's ever happened? I said, oh, my God. I said, I grew up as a tiny, tiny boy. Like, from the earliest consciousness I knew I was gay. I would fall head over heels in love with other boys, right? But I lived in constant terror that if one of them found out how I felt, he would not just reject me, but really hurt me, you know? And in the seventh grade, I finally tried coming out to someone for the first time. It was my best friend, Ben. And I had a big crush on him, and he went white. He just stared at me, and he said, you're sick. You disgust me. I had never Been so wounded. But surely nothing like that would happen at this cocktail party at gang camp, right? No, but what did happen was that suddenly, as we're standing there, this chubby guy standing right next to me starts screaming bloody murder because guys have ambushed him and grabbed him and tied him to a fence and are shooting paintballs at him. I thought, holy fuck, what if that happens? I was like, is there even a washer and dryer here? Because I only brought one pair of jeans. And Bart said, yeah, that's an ambush. He said, it usually happens to the newcomers. Well, I got a vodka right then and there. I decided, yeah, I'm going to fall off the wagon just for the weekend. Bart said, well, just try to say yes and don't yuck on someone's yum. Have you heard this expression before? In the kink community, they say, don't yuck on my yum, meaning that if someone's thing does disgust you, try not to say o. So that, my friends, is something to keep in mind for later in the the story. Bart showed me this form, right? And he said, here's the thing. Everyone has what we call a dance card on the first day. Everyone schedules little kinky dates with other people. So I'll sign you up for some dates. I was like, What? And then 10 minutes later, he comes back with my card. He's like, I got your first date. He's like, it's 9:30am tomorrow, and it's needles. I was like, needles? I wasn't even quite sure exactly what that meant. So I was like, wait a minute.
- [76:04]
Tim C
Wait.
- [76:04]
Kevin Allison
People are gonna put needles in me? Like. But that doesn't really hurt, does it? And he said, oh, no, it hurts, but you're in good hands. His. His name is Mr. Prickly. So the next morning at the dungeon, which is really just a big old Barn, I meet Mr. Prickly. He looks like Santa Claus. And he says, oh, good, I'm going to create a ginger pin cushion. I strip, and he ties me to a table, right? And he pinches a little bit of skin on my chest. And he says, now just breathe in and breathe out. And he stabs me through with this needle. And I thought, oh, yes, that stings. But then I thought, oh, but it's not that bad. I lit up a little. And then this pattern repeats again and again. And finally he says, now guess how many needles are in you. And I'm laying down so I can't look up, and I say, is 60. And he says, oh, my God, it's 59. You're really good at that. I was like, well, I guess I have that talent. But then he goes to put the next one into me, and I feel my brain tensing up yet again. I feel myself thinking, oh, no, it's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt. And then it goes. And I'm like, yeah, but it's not that bad. And then it dawns on me. I think, wait a minute, I've had that Same thought pattern 60 times, right? It's just like the social anxiety that had been riling through my head on the trip so far. I keep thinking, oh, my God, are people going to be mean to me? What's the worst that can happen? And then life happens and it's not so bad. And Mr. Prickley said, well, now, keep that little lesson in mind if you happen to be ambushed this weekend. Two days later, I'm in the dungeon again, and it's late at night, and I'm mesmerized. I'm hypnotized because two Twinkie lads, right, smooth, skinny young guys, just my type, are completely naked and they're hovering 10ft in the air over everyone else because this master of ropes, right, has turned them into marionettes. So he's pulling a rope, and one guy ends up with his face in another one's crotch. And then he pulls another rope and someone's ass is in someone's face. It was wonderful. I remember thinking, holy shit. So much of the kink scene is kind of like taking rides at the amusement park, right? So a crowd of us is staring in wonder at this puppet show, when suddenly I become aware that this young man that I've been interested in all weekend is standing right next to me. He's so cute. He's this little Puerto Rican guy named Diego. He's in his 20s.
- [79:22]
Tim C
He's.
- [79:22]
Kevin Allison
He's got curly hair and this constant mischievous grin, right? And next to him is this older guy that I don't know, but real handsome, a real rugged looking guy. Looked like he might be like a Marine captain or something like that. We can call him Ed Harris. So Diego says, I might have to take a date off of my dance card for tomorrow night so I can attend the. The big water sports party. And Ed Harris says, don't dress up. And I say, yeah, I'm curious about that. You know, I couldn't believe how turned on I was the first time a guy used me as a human urinal. Now, this might be a good place to pause the story, especially because you might now be yucking on my yum. Well, I wasn't lying to these guys. About a year earlier, this fella that I often play with, named Cheng, had surprised me in a big way. He had burst into my apartment, put me in the shower, put me on my knees, and told me to open my mouth and let loose a torrent of pee that seemed to go on forever. But here's the thing. I worshiped this guy Chang. He was so thoughtful. He was always asking me how I felt about things, Right? Plus, he kind of looked like a Chinese Harry Potter, so I was swooning. And there's something extra worshipful about being on your knees and relishing even a person's nastiest stuff. As long as he's not one of those guys whose pee tastes like a rotten lime soaked in battery acid. Now, back to the story. You will recall that Diego and Ed were standing next to me, and I said, you know, I couldn't believe how turned on I was the first time a guy used me as a human. Well, Diego looked at Ed and Ed looked at Diego, and they nodded. And the ambush began. Ed grabs me in a headlock. Diego is pushing me out of the dungeon. Ed's yelling out, we have a urinal here.
- [81:52]
Moloch Masters
Huh?
- [81:53]
Kevin Allison
And I'm saying, oh, no, no, no, no, no. But anyone can see my body is not resistant. Diego gets handcuffs on my wrist behind my back. And you know what I feel when they click? Relief. A whole weekend of worrying what's the worst that can happen? And now this surely might be it. But with a click of those cuffs and being the center of attention and being dominated by two hot guys that I just instinctively trust, everything is shifting. I'm not a guy worrying over possibilities in his head. In this entrapment, I don't have options for second guessing where I'm going. And that is paradoxically, so freeing. I'm going with the flow now. So they bring me outside to a grassy knoll. You know, so many interesting things happen on grassy knolls. And amazingly, there is a line to use the bathroom outside the barn. And Ed shouts to the shadows, oh, don't use those urinals, boys. Use this one. And Diego says to someone, oh, take his cell phone out of his pocket. And someone takes my phone and throws it where it won't get wet, unlike my shirt and my jeans. And I think, christ, I still don't know if there is a laundry anywhere on these campgrounds. But I feel taken care of because of the iPhone. You know, I feel on some level, Diego and Ed are being respectful to me. So they shove me to my knees. And as shadowy figures start to gather all above me, Diego goes first. He's still got that mischievous grin on his face, and I notice that there's something really sweet behind it. There's some genuine sweetness in him, and his skin is so soft and warm. And he pulls out his cock, and the water starts, and men start shouting, open your mouth. And I do with pleasure. I put my lips on his cock and start sucking for it like a thirsty man at a desert oasis. And his pitch is refreshing. With Diego, I'm in bliss. Now, in kink circles, you'll sometimes hear men say a urinal should not have opinions about the quality of the piss. His job is just to take it. Well, I have opinions. Ed Harris is up next, and the taste is a lot harsher. But he's also pissing like a racehorse, so he can sense that he's pretty much waterboarding me, right? So he pulls back and he starts to piss all over the crown of my head and right into my eyes and then down my chest. It's a baptism, right? I'm moaning, half in desire and half in dread. And I can hardly see now with so much piss stinging my eyes, but I'm arching my back toward all of them to, like, let them have at it. And that's when a bunch of them just let loose, maybe like seven streams coming at me at once. And there's a river running down my chest down to this pool in the crotch of my jeans. Then there's this weird moment. When a man who's like 80 years old is shuffled to the front of the crowd, and someone's like, suck his cock, too. And I find myself playing along, you know, with my mouth all of a sudden, on this ancient nub of a dripping little penis, pretending it's not totally not my thing. You know, I am thrilled that gerontophiles exist, people who have the hots for the elderly. But I think I'll probably be even more thrilled that they exist once I'm 80. But there's no time to think about that, because now a big muscle jock is shoving at saying, open that mouth again. And I can't see him through the piss in my eyes, but I don't like the tone of his voice. You know, he's like, come on. And I know it sounds ridiculous, but the rudeness. I mean, it sounds like this man is about to piss in my mouth in a way that does not show me rude respect. So you see what is Consensual can shift in a moment, right? So nevertheless, I think, you know, just like in improv, you gotta commit to the bit. So I open up and then there's this explosion of the foulest piss I have ever tasted in my life right now to the back of my throat. And I couldn't help it. It wasn't even my choice. I wasn't even thinking. I just barfed it all right back onto him, soaking his jeans. He's like, what the fuck? He's like, oh, what the fuck is going on here? I mean, he can't stop pissing because it's just like a river. And I can't stop just coughing it right back onto him. He's like, fuck, this faggot got piss all over me. And Ed Harris pats his chest and pushes him away saying, okay, all right, that's enough then, man. So the last streams were dying down, right? And I have one last little drink from beautiful Diego to kind of wash away the nastiness. And now I'm just a hot, wet mess on my knees in the grass as guys are zipping up their flies and saying, God damn, that was hot. That guy's quite a piss pig. And Diego uncliffs the cuffs and says, you were amazing. Let me get your phone. And Ed Harris helps me up and he's like, look at you. You are steaming in the cool night air. I was proud. I mean, I had let go of worrying for a while and got to experience the good, the bad and the ugly. That muscle jock, he was the worst thing that happened that weekend. But I cannot respect a man who shows no respect. Those childhood worries about being rejected and hurt, they don't serve me anymore. It turns out that even when I'm handcuffed and in an ambush, I won't take it. So as I walked away, Ed leaned in and he whispered, thanks for playing, bud. You gave that guy what he deserved. I hope you're starting to feel at home here. So I'm sloshing through the woods, right, trying to get back to my cabin, trying to remember where the fucking thing even is, when a super tall, super skinny, super sweet looking man emerges from the shadows. Hello, dear, he says. I said, oh, don't touch me. I'm sopping wet. I just got pissed all over. And he said, oh, I know you did, darling. That's why I'm here. I'm Andy, the guardian angel of water sports at camp. And after a fella falls into a sticky stick situation like you did just now, I like to Bring a special little gift to him. I stared at this amazing man in wonder and I said, what's the gift? He held out a shiny object in his hand and said, the key to the secret laundry room. Thank you very much.
- [91:27]
Michelle Buto
I find myself being called into a meeting. It's a dark Saturday evening and I know the news is not good. I'm called to meet at a park in Juarez, Mexico. That was our get to place where I usually meet my contacts. And they asked me to come alone this time, which I had never been asked to do that before. I see their van pull up and I'm guided just by a hand gesture to walk towards him. At that moment, my contact, who I knew by the name of the Cuban, asked me to go ahead and sit in the front seat. He asked me for my cell phone. He asked me what happened. I knew exactly what he was talking about. He was talking about the last shipment of drugs that had gone missing. And now the bosses wanted to speak with me. Not a good thing. We had dropped the ball on our end and now I was headed to a meeting. I heard voices coming from the back seats. And the voice, voices were from another couple of guys that I did not have an acquaintance with. At that point, I'm asked to put a blindfold on and somebody tightens it for me. They asked me to put my head down and the van begins to move. No craziness, no violence, no words. All I know is that I'm headed to speak to the bosses to give an explanation for. For where the shipment might be. Now, keep in mind that this is a shipment that is valued in their eyes at approximately $700,000. There's a lot of fear going on. I know who these people are. I've worked with them for years. And I know that they don't mess around. The error now, looking back at it, was on my end, we were doing great. But somebody introduced me to another group of folks, and in my mind, I saw it as an opportunity to expand our business instead of sticking with those people who we had already worked with so well for so many years. And these people took advantage of that opportunity and they ripped off our shipment. So next thing you know, the van pulls in to a great garage. I can hear the door squeaking up. I hear the door squeaking down as well. Next thing you know, my door has been open. I'm asked to keep my head down, and my hands at this point are handcuffed behind me. I'm on my knees. I hear doors sliding to what I can only Imagine was one of those glass doors that you see in a patio heading from a garage. I hear voices, several voices, can't even tell you how many. At least five, perhaps upwards of 10. There's chaos or cuss words. There's some sort of euphoria and energy. And then I'm pulled into another room where it just goes silent. My heart is beating, I'm sweating, cold sweat, and I'm thinking the worse. And part of that is because I know exactly who I'm dealing with. I know that in a way, I dropped the ball. Nobody's responsible for this except for me. What was just a few minutes seemed like hours of waiting in that room. The door is kicked open and I'm asked straight up, where's our shit? I don't know where it's at. I go on to explain the details, that we had ventured out with a new group. I go on to explain that we had never tried to work with this group and that the shipment was a apparently lost. And that these folks weren't even returning my calls from earlier that day. You fucked with the wrong people, Pollo. In my mind, there was only one option of what was going to happen at this point. These kind of people are not concerned with recuperating their money. It's not about the money. It's about you. Don't mess with us, period. It's a message that they send out to the people who work with them and anybody who might want to mess with them. It's just how the business goes. Being in it for so many years, the stories were common. Next thing you know, other voices rush into the room and kicked in different parts of my body. I couldn't even stay in a position where I could block my head, which was one of my concerns, just to protect my head. All I knew is I was trying to tuck myself as if I were a child in a fetal position. Screams, cuss words, more kicks to the abdomen, the head, the legs, laughing, a kind of evil and cold laughter. This is what you get for with us. I slowed down my breathing, probably because I was about to pass out. And at that point, they stopped kicking. I heard one of the guys say, you want to feel my belt? It was almost like in slow motion that all my other senses were heightened. And I could hear him pull that belt out of the loops of his pants. And next thing you know, I felt a cold whip on my back. It must have been the leather of the belt plus the buckle. And he just started to go at me like crazy, whipping my Back screaming, where is are shit. I couldn't even answer at that point. One of the guys who was in the room at that point said, stop, let's let him take a little break. Presumably so they can come back and do it. And so they wouldn't lose me that quickly. Hours went by. I can only assume that I passed out. I found myself on the floor, couldn't observe any blood, but I felt so weak, I felt so desperate, so much fear. I grew up in El Paso, which is border town with Juarez. I was a pretty good kid, pretty good student, pretty good athlete growing up. And I remember that for my freshman year, my parents wanted what was best for me, right? So they decided to enroll me in a private all guy Catholic school in El Paso, which was kind of the elite school for anybody who was anybody. It was there that I met people in my life which led me to make some of the worst and most horrific decisions. As a freshman, I hung out with a group of friends who actually lived in Juarez. And there was something that I really liked about them. Something about their lifestyle appealed to me. And it turns out that they're basically people with power and with a lot of money. So I remember some of my friends who I was in my freshman year with, I remember seeing them being driven up to the school by their bodyguards and their bulletproof cars. This was their lifestyle. And they came from families who historically didn't have such a good reputation, but because they had the wealth and the ability to be able to send their kids to the school, this is where they wanted their kids to go. So as my relationship grew with these individuals, I started to learn ways to make money. And these ways to make money came from dealing drugs. And it started by dealing a couple of dime bags here. And after time of dealing dime bags, it went to selling pounds of pot. And from selling pounds of pot, we started to connect with people who had been in this business for years. And I got to a point to where I was really good at what I was doing. And it wasn't about pounds of pot anymore, but it was about shipments of pot. And years went by and I started to get deeper and deeper. And people knew my work ethic and the work ethic was a good one. And the money started to pour in more and more. When I turned 17, I remember having a conversation with my parents saying, I'm moving out. And they said, where are you going? I said, well, business is pretty good. And of course I never told them what kind of business I was in. But since my dad had always been an owner, entrepreneur. I was doing some of the business that he had, which is basically opening up car lots. And since I had money coming in, it was a good way for me to almost launder our money. And it was a great and perfect front. So my parents were actually really proud of me. They said, wow, look what we raised an entrepreneur, and he's doing excellent. I remember that business got so good that it got to the point where I didn't know where to put the cash. I mean, I'm 17 years old. I move out of my home and I buy a home in cash. A tiny little home in cash, in wars with one bedroom. But I remember paying $48,000 in cash for this tiny little home at 17 years old. And the money was rolling in and the reputation was spreading out more and more of what services I could provide for this cartel in Juarez. He got to a point to where a little safe wasn't good enough anymore. I had to get creative. And I remember looking at my closet doors in my bedroom one night, I carefully took one of the thin layers of wood out, and that's where I would stash the packs of $20 bills that we would get. And it got to a point to where I didn't know how to spend the money. So what do you do? You start to invest it. You buy another home, you buy vehicles. Our next purchase was going to be an old helicopter. That's how my life as a dimebag drug dealer evolved. After years of being involved in the drug business, After what could have been either minutes or hours of me being passed out, I come to. I start to observe, to see what the damage is on my body. And I can't really tell. And then the voices come again and they say, are you ready to speak? I don't respond at all, which is not a good thing because they take it as me being defiant. I get kicked again. More voices come into the room, and they say, now you get the other type of treatment. And this type of treatment winds up being electrical shocks. One of the guys takes handcuff off of my hands, and he stretches my arm out and he says, point out your middle finger. So I point out my middle finger, and I feel him put a wire around my finger while two other guys are holding me. The wire stays on my middle finger, and he says, I want you to count. I'm not sure what he's asking me to count. I know it's not going to be good. While another guy goes to proceed to put the other end of the electrical cord into the socket, it. And he says, how many times? And I say, four. He says, good job. He goes to do it again. I don't even remember how many times. All I know is that when I was asked how many times, I got it wrong. And that earned me another kicking. And the shocks continued until I passed out again. Next round. When I woke up, one of my hands was handcuffed to a metal desk that was apparently very close to the floor. I felt like I had a hangover, bones in my body that I didn't know I had hurt. My vision was blurry and my instinct to want to live was not strong at all. I got to a point to where I felt like the best thing was to just give up. What good could come out of this? And the story continued for days where a guy would come in, he would feed me a ramen noodle meal, he would allow me to pull my blindfold up, and he would say, this will never end. A couple of weeks into this, not only physical torture, but emotional, started to really drain on me. Ironically, I remember thinking to myself that I could get out of this. I remember thinking, I've got money, I've got some properties, I know the right people. I can get back on my feet if they just let me do one more deal. And looking back now, it's interesting how I wasn't really that broke and I wasn't really that fearful. My instinct to survive, I was, in a way, very manipulative. I didn't get the seriousness of the hole I was in. They didn't want their money. They wanted to communicate. You don't fuck with us. A couple weeks into being at the safe house in Juarez, they allowed me to make one phone call. And I decided the people to call would be my family. They hadn't heard from me for weeks, but that wasn't an anomaly. I would often disappear for weeks in and weeks out on vacation or trips or just working, and needed to be out of the loop. So my dad picked up the phone. He said, pollo, your mom's been concerned about you. Where are you? And I said, news isn't good, dad. And they advised me not to give details. The guys who were holding me hostage advised me not to give details, just to look in their face. They didn't even have to express with any kind of exactitude what they want. They just said, you know what you can say and what you can't say. So I said, there's a lot of money that's owed and we need to Fix this. At that point, the phone broke that they had lent me, was ripped out of my hand. And they proceeded to tell my father that they would be in contact with him soon. Phone goes dead. And I'm thinking, what have I caused here? This isn't affecting me only. It's affecting my family now. My decisions, my selfishness, my pride, my arrogance, my plan. It's affecting deeper than I ever thought this could, could affect anybody. Turns out that they continue communications with my father, and my father steps in to cover the debt in a way that I never thought anybody would want to do. My father winds up selling everything he owned property, the home that my mother and him lived in, his retirement account, jewelry that had been in the family for years. Businesses were signed over to people who they wanted the businesses signed over in. And even after all that, the full debt was never fully covered. But we got to a point to where these people were, in a way, satisfied. I remember one day when they came in and they said, you're going home. And I didn't pay. Believe it, you're going home. In my eyes, and because of my experience with them meant something completely different and meant probably being dug in a ditch with a bullet in the back of my head. My adrenaline kicked up again. My instinct for survival was still weak. I just wanted it to be over. In a way, I almost saw it as Good news. Almost 40 days into this and I just couldn't live this way anymore. Literally, like an animal tied up, being fed once a day, peeing in a milk gallon that it had the top cut out. Had not brushed my teeth and not washed my face and not taken a shower. I remember I got to one point to where I would look down on my nails and I wanted to cut my nails, I wanted to peel my nails. And something in my mind said, well, if I am going to wind up dead somewhere, at least, and if they can identify my body, maybe the forensics people can identify the DNA in my nails. So I remember peeling all my nails and putting them in the pocket of my jeans. Just trippy. Things like that went through my head because I didn't know what the next breath would bring about. So they had told me that I was going home. They called me and they picked me up. I remember my legs being so weak that they had to hold me up. I had literally been sitting in squat position or laying down on the floor or on my knees, knees. I got to the point about three weeks into this experience where I was so desperate, all I thought of doing was calling out to a higher power. My parents for several years had been involved in a local church. And I remember my mom speaking to me about church and even at times inviting me to church. And I played the part when I needed to because I wanted to be that son who would make his mom smile or give her joy in that way. And I had no true care, concern, or desire to be connected to any of it at all. Ironically, though, in my deepest moment of life and the darkest situation I've ever lived in, I had tried everything I could physically try, emotionally speaking, I tried to. To pull myself up from the bootstraps and say, you can do this, Pollo. In that darkness and that brokenness, I was led to, what if there is something bigger than me? What if there is something out there that can help me? And I remember being on my knees and saying, God, if you do exist, which that concept of God was very vague and very distant. And I remember crying out and saying, God, if you do exist, I ask that you would either save me from this horrific situation because I can't live one more day like this, or I ask that you would let them take my life. I just wanted closure one way or another. And it turns out that he was looking out for me. So we go back to this moment where they tell me that I'm going home. And they help me stand up. And I remember being shoved into a car, blindfold still on. At this point, I'm on the floor of the car and there's a gun shoved to the back of my head. And they said, this isn't over. We're going to give you instructions on how we want you to do this. We're going to take you to a corner, we're going to push you out of the car, and you need to count to 60 because they didn't want me to see the vehicles that they were in. And they said, we've got a follow car. So that follow car will make sure that you did count till 60. And just a heads up, Pollo, if you decide to try and be smart, that follow car will see that and they will pick you up again. So we're driving. I remember there are turns and there are straight shots. And the minutes in the car with a cold gun pointing to the back of my head seem again like forever. We eventually stop. They hand me what was used in those days was a credit card that you would use in payphones in Mexico. So they said, here's a phone card. Call whoever you want to call and have a. A nice life. So we came to a stop. I'm pushed out of the vehicle, and all my brain can say is, count slow. That's the only thing that I was concerned of, because the threat of a car is following. They're gonna make sure that you did count to the 60 seconds that we're telling you to. I did not want that to be misinterpreted in any way. And I remember counting as slow as I could. Minutes must have gone by, and I remember eventually pulling off the blindfold, and I remember looking up, and I had no idea where I had been dropped off. Scary in a way, but at the same time, adrenaline pumping, I knew that in a way, at least for that moment, I had been freed. I'm not captive anymore. My hand is not handcuffed to a desk. And I remember I'm still on my knees of how they had dropped me out. And I look up, and it's getting to be dark that evening, and it's a little bit humid. It appeared that it had just rained. There are some puddles close around, and I'm trying to look for something that I can identify. I'm trying to look for people who I might know. And there's nobody there. So I remember that my next reaction is to try and stand up and to run. So I'm fearing now, and I'm saying, if I've got five seconds to live or five minutes, I need to run. And it was so weird because my legs would not respond to what my body was saying. So I remember seeing a couple, an elderly couple, walking down the street where had been dropped off. And I remember looking over to them, which they might have thought I was crazy and on drugs or just something trippy, because I remember looking at them saying, where are we?
- [115:58]
Pollo Corral
Where are we?
- [116:00]
Michelle Buto
I remember they looked at each other, and they literally walked the other way without answering me. So I continued to walk, galloping a little bit, if you will. And I get to a corner, and at the corner, I see a payphone. I pull out the card that they had given me, I stick it in the payphone, and I call one of the only numbers that I recollected, which was my dad's cell phone. And I say, dad? He says, pollo, I'm on my way. Tell me where you're at. And I look up and I see the street sign. And I tell him the street sign. He said, we're not too far away. Give me 10 minutes. I'm shaking. I'm looking around. I'm thinking, am I being followed or Am I truly free? So my dad pulls up in a white Chevy pickup. He rolls down the window and I remember him glancing and glancing and not saying a word. And I said, dad, it's me. It turns out that he did not recognize me. My beard had grown out. I must have lost 10, maybe 15 pounds. And when he hears my voice, he gets out of the the truck, runs to me and just hugs me. And it must have been one of the most memorable hugs I've ever had in my entire life. I'm looking at this man who still at this point, I do not know, has sacrificed everything to ransom his son who made these selfish, horrific decisions. And yet he was willing to give it all up for me. He says, let's go home. Next thing you know, we're riding in the truck and I'm just looking at him and I can't really even believe that it's real. I feel like I smoked some kind of weird shit and I feel like I'm in a slow motion dream and I'm thinking in my really here? Or is this an illusion? And I remember looking over to my dad and just putting my hand on his shoulder and saying, thank you. Thank you for loving me. Well, long story short, we wind up getting home. My family had already known that I was going to be released that night. Saw a couple of close family members were there. My mom had ordered my favorite meal, which is pepperoni pizza. And I remember being able to see my mom through face to face for the first time in at least 40 days and just weeping, tears running down my face and looking at her and apologizing, saying, sorry mom, for the pain that I have put you through. My dad standing right next to her looked at me and said, our love for you is not tithe to anything. It's unconditional. And for the first time ever, I think, think it really hit home. And it is in those minutes that I started to taste, perhaps for the first time ever, that the grace and love and unconditional acceptance that my parents were relaying to me was the love and unconditional acceptance that God relays to his creation as well. So I was. I wind up in Dallas. It's been 15 years. My life as a drug dealer is far, far, far in the past. I've got a beautiful family. Life is not easy, but it is beautiful. And it turns out that even the darkest moments of my life were redeemed by somebody who was looking out for me the entire time. That is a story of redemption.
- [120:12]
Moloch Masters
If you're ready, if you're ready now if you're ready
- [120:26]
Pollo Corral
Come on, go with
- [120:27]
Moloch Masters
me
- [120:31]
Kevin Allison
no hatred Come out with me
- [120:35]
Moloch Masters
we'll be tired all the rain come
- [120:38]
Kevin Allison
out
- [120:40]
Pollo Corral
Peace and love between the races
- [120:47]
Kevin Allison
Come love with me
- [120:51]
Richard Cardillo
Love is the
- [120:52]
Moloch Masters
only transportation to where the stor.
- [121:00]
Kevin Allison
This is Risk. This is the Staple Singers behind me now. And we just heard from the remarkable Pollo Corral. Pollo first shared that story at a live show at a Risk live show we did in Dallas. But then I asked him to re record it for me as a radio style story because there was just too much there to pack into, you know, one of our live performances. If you want to look him up, he is in Dallas. His church is loveinmotion.info go to loveinmotion.info to look up Pollo and his church. Before that, we heard a story from yours truly, a story that I shared at our monthly Risk show that we do at the Bell House in Brooklyn. And our final story, our last story for this epic best of risk number 12 episode comes to us from a fella who goes by the name Tim C. He shared this one when Risk was last in Seattle. This story left the audience that night quite shaken. It is emotionally rough, I would say, especially for anyone out there who might have had any experience in their own life or in the lives of people you're close to with child abuse. This is a story about children in harm's way, but it's also a very important story told with tremendous compassion. This is Tim C. With a story we call Deliverance.
- [123:13]
Tim C
My story has developed a little bit the story I'm going to tell. I spent 20 years in law enforcement, 17 of it in human trafficking and child sex slavery operations. The latter 13 was primarily off continental US operations. To say I've seen the worst in man is a pretty mundane statement for me. The 17 years that I did this, I started out with, I'm going to save the world. Typical alpha male, badge gun, got to do my thing. I remember very distinctly how bitter a pill it was when I discovered I could not stop human trafficking and child sex slavery. But I was going to make it as fucking difficult for these people as I could possibly make it. This particular story is one of my 12 defined traumas that I have come upon in a lot of therapy. I was diagnosed in 2011 with complex PTSD. To kind of round out why I am identifying traumas in the beginning when I did this, the Internet wasn't quite the joggernaut that it is now. A lot of our Cases were literally VHS child porn and tracking people down. I picked up a case, a domestic case, and I say domestic because it was local to Washington. The biological father had taken the children. The daughter and the son picked them up at a daycare facility out of sync with his normal visitation. When law enforcement attempted to contact him originally, he decided it was a good idea to shoot at him. And he did get away. By the time the case reached me, it was a year later. The little girl was now nine and the little boy was now seven. Human trafficking investigations, child sex slavery investigations put you at a disadvantage morally because you literally have to watch these things. You're not watching for the sex act, but you're looking through these videos, you're looking through this evidentiary material to develop where this is happening, who other potential victims might be. And when we came across some porn that identified the children, what we'd realized was this biological father was renting these kids out at parties and filming it. So he was making money in two different ways with his own children. I can taste the rage that I felt the day that I got this case. My partner and I had numerous hours together doing surveillance operations. My partner Jared made me look small. He was almost 6 foot 7, 300 pounds, very dark skinned black man, Southern Baptist. And as you can see, I'm super white. So we always set a very odd impression to people when we saunter into new locations. We were able to track this guy down, and I'm not going to divulge all the trade secrets, but we tracked him down in southwest US. We sat on the residence long enough to get a schedule and kind of get an idea for the comings and goings and what's happening. Hopefully perhaps identify additional pedophiles and traffickers. The evening was. It was a cool desert kind of climate. In the evening, the lights went out. Consistency was in play. Jay and I decided, okay, well, we're gonna go ahead and we're just. There's nobody else there. It's him and the kids. Let's just go ahead and get this done. Oddly enough, despite our size, we actually are quite sneaky. And I'm pretty handy with a lockpick kit. We made entry. Everything was nice and quiet. And I remember the smell of incense somewhat overpowering because it was like a mixture of different types of incense. It didn't really have anything to do with the case. It didn't have anything to do with anything really, but I just vaguely recall that unusual scent. We cleared the first two areas as we went back towards the bedroom. And when we came to the master bedroom, our subject was there. The fugitive biological father. He was wearing women's panties, his daughter laying there next to him naked. There was a variety of sex toys. This is really hard for me, so forgive me, bear with me. It was hard to grasp. I wasn't a father yet. But it was surreal. The room smelled like sex. All these bizarre toys and things around her. In bed, her little face. She was sleeping. I think that's the safest she could ever be, is when she's sleeping. She was a beautiful little girl. And it always struck me as odd how such a perfect little being was in such a fucked up situation. That rage came back. And when I say rage, I'm talking about a man. Me, I've been shot, stabbed, beaten, run over, crashed a plane. When I say rage, I'm Scottish and I get fucking pissed. And I wanted to shoot this motherfucker in the face bad. I took my sidearm out and I lowered it down to his face and I knelt down a little bit, poked him in the forehead and stood back. There was a sidearm on the night table next to him and I pointed at it. I gave him one of these. I fully intended on shooting him in the face. There was no maybe, there was no, can I do this? I was going to fucking shoot this guy in the face. And I felt this enormous soft hand on my shoulder. And Jared whispered to me, he says she's been through enough. And I understood, considering what she'd been through, you know, what's got. Being shot in the face but, you know, legit. I didn't need to add to it. He had absolutely ravaged these children in these films, renting them out at parties. The little boy was down the hall laying on a little sofa bed thing. He was wearing a little Superman cape. And it just was so fucked up. Such a. A normal thing. A little boy sleeping in a Superman cape. But he was naked. Just the cape. May not even been a fucking Superman cape. I don't know. It was just a little red cape. Everyone was awake at this point. We'd secured our subject. I had possession of the children at that moment. It was quite a brew. Ha ha. A lot of cops, a lot of forensic people showing up. We needed to wait for that state's equivalent of Child Protective Services to come and get the children back home to their mother. I was able to get a phone call to the mother, let her know that we'd found them and they were safe. She knew a little bit about what they'd Been through. And she said, well, how are they? I didn't know what to say. I said, they're fine, they're fine, they're safe. We're gonna get them home. Your babies are coming home. And she just broke down and cried on the phone. I didn't know what to do. And I said, listen, I need to wrap this up. I'm gonna go feed these little guys and I believe we're gonna get them flying out in the morning. Jared went to take care of all the admin stuff. For some reason or another, just kids gravitate towards me and I'm a big fucking goofball. Anyway, so I took him to like a Denny's kind of place in the town there. Dressed appropriately, of course, which sidebar to that. He had a wardrobe for them for role playing at these parties when they were rented out. He had a little gladiator outfit, little superhero outfit, and there were actual videos of old men having sex with him in his little outfits. Same thing for her. It was actually a challenge to find normal fucking clothes to put on them. They ordered ice cream and chicken nuggets. Little glimmer of normal. I know that now as a father at the time, I thought, whoa, what the fuck, right? A little chicken, little ice cream. And as we're talking, the little girl is very clearly the pacesetter, the control rider for the two. She looked out for him, she made sure that he had a napkin, she made sure that he had spoon. She was fastidious in her nature with him. Looking over him, it was like watching a 35 year old mom. She asked me, what are we going to do now? I didn't really know how to speak, respond to a 9 year old from a technical aspect. I just said, honey, we're gonna get you home to your mom, probably get you on a plane first thing in the morning. We just got to get a few people together and make sure that you're safe and we can get you home. Well, who am I gonna go with? I don't know, honey, but one of the people from the local police will. They'll take very good care of you. They're good people and we'll take care of you, I promise. Well, we know you now. Can we go with you? Honey, I can't take you with me. I have another case I've got to go to. I'm almost halfway there now, so I need to go help another kid. But I promise you, the people that will take care of you, they'll look out for you. And you'll be safe, I promise. And she looked at me. She reached out and held her brother's hand. And she looked at me and she said, am I not pretty enough? And I was confused. I didn't understand why. What do you mean? Honey, you're beautiful. Well, am I not pretty enough? You don't want to take us? I'll give you any sex you want. I'll fuck you however you want to be fucked. From a fucking nine year old, you can't process that. And I told her, I said, honey, that's not how things are. And I don't have any kids yet, so I'm not really good with these kind of topics, honey, but I want you to know that that's not how life needs to be. We're gonna get you home to your mama. We're gonna just put all this behind you. And you see, you'll see, everything's fine. She offered me a blowjob under the table right there. I felt disgusted by it. I relived that moment. I had my sidearm out this crushing weight. I wish I'd killed that motherfucker. I couldn't grasp how anybody could do this to a child. I couldn't grasp how somebody could do it through their own child. Even then, before I had my first child, I just. I couldn't process it. I told her, honey, really, all I want to do for you is get you home to your mom. You don't owe me anything. It felt like I was talking to an adult. But I was looking at a nine year old girl. She was absolutely the most beautiful little thing. She was too grown up. She'd lived three lifetimes by the time I found her. I managed to get her to feel relaxed and understand that absolutely had not turned a page in her life. But we finished that book and we're moving on to the next. We got her home to her mother, her and her little brother. They did okay for a while. Eventually the little man got into trouble. He's in prison now. And eventually she killed herself. And that was tough. That was my first field loss. In my heart, that was my first field loss. Somebody that I felt like I got him and maybe I can get, you know, just get their life turned around. The bio contributor piece of shit. He went to prison and I believe, as I recall, I don't know why, it's such a metal block. I believe it was in 2002. He was killed in prison. And I'm okay with that. I desperately wish that I could have been the one to do it. However, I understand. I had a job to do. I did it, Unfortunately. Up until 2011, I would run across 11 more traumas, cases, situations that would affect me just as profoundly. I didn't realize until I retired in 2011 that most people in my line of work only last five or six years, and I did it for 17. I think of her only when I see a little girl that reminds me of her. The little boy, he was a champ, you know, the little girl was the focal point in the story for Mary because she was an old soul by this point. This is one of those cases that I will never forget. I'm thankful to be retired. I'm thankful to have a calm, meaningful life. My youngest just graduated, So now I get to look forward to being a grandpa eventually. Not yet, but eventually. Believe it or not, both my daughters have picked up good boyfriends. And yes, they bring them home. Yes, they know what I've done. But I don't worry about my girls. They will kill a man in a heartbeat. I know this may sound gut wrenching, and I know it may sound a world away from what you can grasp, but I tell these stories for two reasons. One, selfishly, to learn to process and deal with my ptsd. And two, I want people to know that this happens, especially here in Seattle. Two ports and an international border. A lot of shit going on around here that y' all don't know about. Consider your surroundings. Consider your children. Consider the people that you love. Never take them for granted. And all the other analogies that might flow along that thought line. I don't regret my 17 years, but I'm ready to be retired. And that's my story.
- [141:40]
Moloch Masters
Like a train on a trap.
- [141:49]
Michelle Buto
Coming towards her
- [141:53]
Moloch Masters
stuck still no turning back. She hidden around corners and she hid it under bed she killed it with kisses and from it she fled with every bubble she sank with a drink and washed it away down the kitchen sink The d days are over the dark long days are done the horses are coming so you better run run
- [142:40]
Pollo Corral
fast for your mother run fast for
- [142:42]
Moloch Masters
your father run for your children, for your sisters every other leave all your
- [142:47]
Pollo Corral
love and your love behind you can
- [142:49]
Moloch Masters
carry it with you if you want to survive the dark days are.
- [143:07]
Kevin Allison
That is all for this week's episode, folks. This is Florence and the Machine behind me now. And we just heard from Tim C. Who will definitely be sharing more stories with us on the show soon. Listen, nothing is more important to us than word of mouth. We have never had a marketing budget on risk and we've always felt that if more people were just exposed to the show, our audience would increase dramatically. We feel like we should have an audience about 15 times the size of the one that we currently reach. So share the show. Especially these best of episodes. Share them, teach people how to download them, how to access us, where to find us. We are always at risk-show.com that's where you can also learn about all of our tour dates, all of our classes, advice on how to pitch us stories is all there at risk. Show.com also you can get a real education from us. At thestorystudio.org we have one on one training over Skype. We have entire courses you can download, video courses that you can take in your own time. We have some in person courses depending on what city you're in. And we do corporate workshops. That's all@thestorystudio.org folks, today's the day. Take a risk. Hey folks, this is Kevin. Hey folks. Hey folks, this is Kevin. Hey. Hey folks. Hey folks. Hey folks. Kevin. Hey. Hey. Hey folks, this is Kevin. Hey folks. Hey folks. Hey folks. Hey folks. Hey folks. This is, this is.
- [145:24]
Richard Cardillo
This is.
- [145:24]
Kevin Allison
This. This is Kevin. Hey, hey, hey folks, this is Kevin. Hey Kevin. Hey Kevin. This is Kevin. Hey folks. Hey folks, this is.
- [145:31]
Pollo Corral
This is Kevin.
- [145:32]
Kevin Allison
Hey folks, this is Kevin. Kevin. Folks, folks, folks, folks, this is Kevin. Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Kevin. Hey folks. Hey, hey, hey folks. Hey, hey, hey. Hey. This is Kevin. Hey guys, it's Kevin.
- [145:48]
Moloch Masters
Yeah, right. Yeah.
- [145:50]
Kevin Allison
Okay, that was me. No, that was not me. Folks, this is Kevin.
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Moloch Masters
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Michelle Buto
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Moloch Masters
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Kevin Allison
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Moloch Masters
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Kevin Allison
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Moloch Masters
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Richard Cardillo
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Moloch Masters
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Kevin Allison
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Kevin Allison
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Moloch Masters
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