Loading summary
Transcript88 lines
- [00:01]
Kevin
Wow. What's up?
- [00:02]
Reid
I just bought and financed a car through Carvana in minutes. You, the person who agonized four weeks.
- [00:08]
Sandra
Over whether to paint your wall's eggshell.
- [00:09]
Reid
Or off white, bought and financed a car in minutes.
- [00:12]
Sandra
They made it easy, transparent terms, customizable, down and monthly.
- [00:16]
Reid
Didn't even have to do any paperwork. Wow.
- [00:18]
Kevin
Mm.
- [00:20]
Reid
Hey, have you checked out that spreadsheet I sent you for our dinner? Options Finance your car with Carvana and experience total control financing subject to credit approval.
- [00:30]
Alison
Start fresh in the new year as you set resolutions for 2024, consider how learning a new language can enrich your life, whether through travel, career advancement, or cultural appreciation. Keeping in mind everything you've learned over the last year, it's time to build on that. And learning a new language can help you connect with others and explore new cultures. With that in mind, there's no better tool than Rosetta Stone, the most trusted language learning program available on desktop and mobile. Rosetta Stone immerses you in the language so you truly learn to think, speak, and understand it naturally. With Rosetta Stone's intuitive approach, there are no English translations, you're fully immersed, and the built in Truaccent feature acts like a personal accent coach, giving you real time feedback to make sure you sound just right. Don't put off learning that language. There's no better time than right now to get started. Start the new year off with a resolution you can reach today. Listeners can take advantage of this Rosetta Stones lifetime membership for 50% off, visit RosettaStone.com Rs10. That's 50% off unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your Life. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com RS10today.
- [01:42]
Peter
As a parent, you always want to set your child up for success, so when they're struggling in school or they need help with homework, you try your best to step up. But sometimes you might not be equipped to answer, and it's better to leave that to the experts. From IxCelle Learning IXL Learning is an online learning program for kids. It covers math, language, science, and social studies. IXL can help your child really understand and master topics in a fun way with positive feedback. Powered by advanced algorithms, IXL gives the right help to each kid, no matter the age of personality. And when you sign up, one subscription gets you everything you need. For all the kids in your home, from Pre K to 12th grade. IXL is used in 95 of the top 100 school districts in the US with 1 in 4 students across the country using the program, so don't wait any longer. Make an impact on your child's learning. Get IXL now and listeners can get get an exclusive 20% off IXL membership when they sign up today at ixcellearning.com audio visit ixllearning.com audio to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price this cold and flu.
- [02:46]
Narrator
Season, Instacart is here to help deliver all your sick day essentials. Whether you're in prevention mode and need vitamins, hand sanitizer, and that lemon tea your nana swears by, or you're in healing mode and need medicine, soup and a lot more tissues, simply download the Instacart app to get sick day supplies that reinvigorate or relieve Delivered in as fast as 30 minutes plus enjoy. Zero delivery fees on your first three orders. Excludes restaurant orders, service fees and terms apply.
- [03:28]
Host
Hello folks, this is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from the earlier years of the podcast. This week, it's the Best of Sex Stories Number four. Now, I'm so grateful to have a dear friend of the podcast going way back, someone who I look up to so much for all that he does for kinky people, non monogamous people, and people who might not identify as either of those things, but who are on a journey of experimenting and exploring. It's my dear friend Reid Michalko. Now I have to say, the very first trans person we had on Risk was the wonderful Morgan with her instant classic of a story called Always a Woman. It was Dixie De La Tour of Bawdy Storytelling in San Francisco who introduced me to Morgan. But while Morgan and I were chit chatting before, during and after her recording session, she kept saying, and I even know Reid Mahalko. That name was so striking I asked Dixie, who the hell is Reid Mahalko? And there came a day that Dixie visited New York and brought Reid along to share his very first story that he shared on Risk. Reed is one of the most prominent sex educators in America. You can find him@reedaboutsex.com he teaches all sorts of workshops online or in person. He does one on one coaching and mentoring. And here he is now. Hello Reed.
- [05:14]
Kevin
Oh my God. The Best of Sex Stories Number four. I am honored. I am honored. That was quite an introduction, Kevin. And it was a long time ago that we were in New York. I think that was when Dixie And I were going up to teach at Yale Sex Week.
- [05:32]
Host
Oh, wow, that was a while ago. Yeah. That was so wonderful to. In the very beginning of the show, I thought, oh, it would be a really good idea to make friends with people who run other storytelling shows. And that was such a great call because, oh, my gosh, so much has come into my life since I met you and Dixie and just that whole body storytelling kind of crowd. And this. Both of these stories that we're going to be listening to today were from another show, the Mystery Box show in Portland. Also became friends with those folks. Had you ever told a story at the Mystery Box Show?
- [06:15]
Kevin
I told one story at Mystery Box, maybe two, but I know definitely one. And Allison's told a couple of times from Mystery Box. And they retired it. They retired Mystery Box. Long live the Mystery Box story show.
- [06:29]
Host
Totally. You can still see the Mystery Box was all stories regarding sex and romance, as is body storytelling in San Francisco. But the body has its own audio podcast, Mystery Box. You can still see a lot of their stuff on their YouTube channel.
- [06:48]
Kevin
Yeah, yeah. It's a lot of fun. Definitely. Go check out the Mystery box show on YouTube.
- [06:53]
Host
Fabulous.
- [06:54]
Kevin
This first story comes from Sandra Elliott. And when it first appeared on risk in 2015, it got lots of audience reactions, people who found the story inspiring, people who found the story challenging. The way that I would would put this in the category of someone who found their species to date and get married with. So let's hear what Sandra Elliott has to say about her experience of an open relationship in the story we call opening up.
- [07:32]
Janelle Monáe
We'll have the sex now. I'm supposed to have sex with you. Sex. I'll have sex with you. We'll have sex now.
- [08:08]
Sandra
On New Year's Eve 1998, I kissed my best friend Nick for the first time. My best friend Nick, whom I'd known for five years, and watched him sleep his way through women and men, mostly men. I kissed him for the first time because we decided that we needed good luck for the next year. But that's not what happened. When we kissed at midnight on 1998. I know it sounds cliche, but it was electric. It was everything. I hadn't felt anything like that ever. And we were terrified. We ran away from each other for the rest of the party and wouldn't face each other until we had to face our hangovers the next day. And when we did, we got together, ostensibly to talk, and we fell into bed. And we spent the morning there, and we spent the afternoon there. And at Some point in the evening, Nick decided it was time to get up and get dress, maybe get a little bit of food. But I felt so good, I didn't want to leave bed. So he's standing there at the dresser putting on clothes, and I am wondering about this marvel of a thing that is happening between us. And he says, so what happens if I want to sleep with other people? I wasn't ready for that. I was unprepared. I had just had so many orgasms that I couldn't think. And so I said, could we figure out what this is first? And he dropped it. And that's what we did. So, Nick, little background story. He's from England, and he was meant to go back the next day, but no, he stayed for 10 days. He stayed for 10 whole days. And in those 10 days, we spent as much time together as we could. And we fell in love completely, ridiculously, goofily in that way that everybody says, oh, my God, you're so cute together. Isn't he gay? And I would say, well, if he is, he's faking it really well. And we did, and we fell in love. And I completely forgot about the question at the end of the 10 days. We knew we had to get married. Not only because if we were going to have a relationship, we had to be married, literally, to live in the same country, but we also knew that we wanted it. It mattered to us. And so we invited friends and family and we got married. And it meant something. It meant something to both of us. Who never thought that we would get married, who always thought that there were way too many barriers to that possibility. Fast forward two years. We've been living together for that entire time. We bought a house together, and we are learning how to live together. Obviously, we'd known each other for five years beforehand, but we'd had a short relationship before we moved in together and we got married. And so we're working out those little details like you're leaving your toothpaste in the wrong place, or, oh, my God, why can't you just put the dish in the dishwasher? And we're having little petty fights, little ones, and they really are petty, but the pettiness of them is starting to build into something more. And I don't know why. I don't understand why that dish is suddenly so important to me, or. Or why he is deliberately not putting it up just to spite me. And we are going round and round and round in these ways, and suddenly, in the middle of a fight, my husband Stops with this anguished look on his face, and he says, I feel like I have to cut out a part of me to stay with you. And I had no idea where that came from. And then suddenly, I remember him at the dresser before we got pizza, asking me, so what happens if I want to sleep with other people? And I remember back five years and seeing my husband flirt with so many people, and so many people flirt with him back. Believe me, if you met my husband, you would flirt. Everybody wants to sleep with Nick. And I thought about all of that in one brief instant. And before I could even think of anything else to say, my mouth opened and out came. I never told you you couldn't sleep with other people. I said that. And I thought, oh, my God, I'm a horrible wife. What kind of wife says that it's even possible for her husband to sleep with other people? But I knew Nick. I'd known Nick for five years before we got married. For seven years at this point, I had seen him flirt his way across three countries. At this point, I had seen men and women fall at his feet. And it was beautiful. When he flirted with people, the world got a little bit more electric. You could feel it, like, 15ft behind you when he locked eyes with somebody. And that was the man that I had fallen in love with. And there he is in front of me, saying, I have to cut off a part of myself to be with you. That wasn't what I wanted. And I realized it at that moment. And bad wife or no bad wife, I knew that I wanted Nick. And so I said, this scares the hell out of me, hon. It scares the absolute effing hell out of me, but I love you. And all of the rest of that, Wanting to be with other people, wanting to be with other men and other women is a part of you. So let's see if we can figure out how to make that work. So we sat down and we had conversation. And ostensibly, we were talking about both of us and what we could both do. But really it was me setting up rules and Nick going, uh, huh, huh, huh. And so I set down three major rules to start with. Number one, men only. For now. Let me get used to that. I understand that I can never be a big bear guy with a mustache for you, but let's stick to this vagina for now. I'm comfortable with that. I've got one. Let it fulfill you. And number two, I want veto power. If the man is creepy and gross, I want to be able to say no and Number three, which came out of my mouth in the same way that that initial exclamation of I never said you couldn't sleep with other people was, I want a man who is able to look me in the eye and say, I want to fuck your husband. And who's brave enough to come back and look at me afterwards and tell me about it, because that way he knows he is a part of my life. So I figured it'd take a couple of years. Four weeks later, you know, I'm a nerd. We went to a gaming convention. We gamed by day, all day long, and sometimes well into the night. But eventually people let go and people started drinking and dancing and having fun. We're drinking and we're dancing and we're having fun. And I feel it behind me, that zing. Nick just locked eyes with somebody, and it's a friend of mine, Robert, who is tall and sexy with ice blue eyes and a chest that you just want to rub. And if there was any heterosexual bone in that man's body, I would have already boned it. But they lock eyes and I feel them walking toward me. And he looks at me, Robert, and he leans down and in my ear he says, I want to take your husband back up to my bedroom and fuck him senseless. I was jealous. Not because my husband was going to sleep with somebody else, because God damn it, I wanted to be that person. And I wasn't. And that was okay. So they had met my rule, and I kind of liked the idea of imagining the two of them together, so I said, okay. And then I spent the next hour or so dancing, trying not to imagine them upstairs, you know, leave them to themselves. They can do what they want to do. Ha ha ha. I'm totally fine. No, don't talk to me. Because there's no way that I can make words right now. I'm just gonna be over here dancing and everything will be okay. And oh my God, and here comes Robert and he grabs me by the elbow and he turns me off of the dance floor. And Nick is over in a corner. I walk over with him, and the first thing that happens is my husband puts his arms out and pulls me by the hips to him and gives me a kiss that is just as good as that one that we had on New Year's. And he says, I love you. And they told me all about it. And I want to tell you, but I don't remember a word. Not a single frickin word. I was just so relieved and so happy that What I felt for them was joy. I was excited that they had had that and that they were comfortable about it. And that despite the fact that he just slept with an effin Adonis, he came back to me just like he always had for years and like he'd never done with anyone else. So over the years, this continued, and my rules laxed because there was no reason for them. What happened was, if people were not willing to acknowledge me as part of his life, he wasn't willing to allow them into his bed. That was just all there was to it. I was paramount to him, and it stayed that way. And I thought, this is perfect. And then I went to a gaming convention. Nick didn't come. And I met a guy, let's call him Ian. And Ian and I talked and he bought me a beer, and he got me talking about the Incredible Hulk, which is a great way to get me interested in you. And we spent four or five hours talking and enjoying each other's company and flirting. But that was as far as Ian was willing to go because I have a ring. And this frustrated me because, damn it, my husband can sleep with other people. Why can't I? And I realized that I never actually thought about it. I never actually talked to Nick about it. All of the rules that we set down were about me being comfortable. And this was the first time that I had ever felt the desire to do something else. So what did I do? At the table, while we still both have half pints, I call my husband. Hi, Nick. Yeah. I'm sitting here with Ian. Oh, yeah, he's pretty sexy. I think he's kind of your type. He's definitely my type. I'd like to take him back up to the hotel room and fuck him. He goes purple. Ian, that is. Would you be okay with that? And my husband laughs. And he says, you finally found somebody? And I said, yeah, I think I did. I think I want to do this. And he says, that's amazing. And Ian's like, like. So I pass the phone, and my husband, whom I can hear, says, are you going to fuck my wife? Ian says, well, sir, I. And Nick says, you better, because this is a rare opportunity and a rare woman, and you're not going to get anything like this ever again. So I took him back to my bedroom or my hotel room, and we fucked for a good four or five hours. And it was wonderful. It was completely different than with my husband. It was animal. And he had this ramrod straight dick that, like, hit exactly the right spot. And, oh, my God, it was just wonderful. And we fell asleep in each other's arms. And literally the moment that I woke up, he looks at me and says, should we call your husband? And I said, yeah. So we called him and we told him. And immediately I went into, oh, bad mood. And I said, you know, I didn't really arrange rules with you the way that we arranged with me. And I can understand if you're upset. And I'm sure I don't. I'm not sure that this was okay. And he goes, sandra, will you shut the fuck up? Did you have fun? I said, yes. And he said, I love you. And I said, I love you too. And that was 10 years ago. And we're still together. We've had partners, sexual and otherwise, since then, both of us, both men and women. And through that all, we have remained together and we have remained important to each other. Nick, unfortunately, couldn't be here today because one of the things that's very important to him is community. And he is in Chicago right now supporting a community member of ours as they are entering a contest. And I encouraged him to do so because I know he doesn't need to be here to feel me say, nick, I love you and I am the person that I am because we are together.
- [24:07]
Narrator
We'll be right back. You just realized your business needed to hire someone yesterday. How can you find amazing candidates fast? Easy. Just use Indeed. Stop struggling to get your job posts seen on other job sites. Indeed's sponsored jobs help you stand out and hire fast. With Sponsored Jobs, your post jumps to the top of the page for your relevant candidates so you can reach the people you want faster. And it makes a huge difference. According to Indeed data, Sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed have 45% more applications than non sponsored jobs. Plus with Indeed sponsored jobs, there are no monthly subscriptions, no long term contracts, and you only pay for results. And listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to get your jobs more visibility@indeed.com listen. Just go to indeed.com listen right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com listen. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring Indeed is all you need. Did you ever wonder what it's like to live alone, hidden in the woods.
- [25:16]
Kevin
Not speaking to a single soul for 30 years? Or wander the desert, uncover a hidden well and dive to the bottom of.
- [25:25]
Narrator
The deepest water hole for 2,000 miles?
- [25:29]
Kevin
The SnapDraget podcast takes you there with amazing stories told by the people who live them with an original sou that.
- [25:36]
Narrator
Drops you directly into their shoes.
- [25:39]
Kevin
Snap judgment. Listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcast.
- [25:50]
Shopify Ad Voice
So it's a new year, 2025 and you're thinking, how am I going to make this year different? How am I going to build something for myself? But where do I start? Shopify is how you're going to make it happen. And here's how Shopify makes it simple to create your brand, open for business and get your first sale. The best time start your new business is right now. Get your store up and running easily with thousands of customizable templates. No coding or design skills required. All you need to do is drag and drop. Their powerful social media tools let you connect all your channels and create shoppable posts and help you sell everywhere people scroll. What happens if you don't act now? Will you regret it? What if someone beats you to the idea? Don't kick yourself when you hear this again in a year because you didn't do anything. Now with Shopify, your first sale is closer than you think. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com Odysseypodcast all lowercase go to shopify.com Odyseepodcast to start selling with Shopify today. Shopify.com OdyseePodcast.
- [26:53]
Reid
Build a routine with Ollie that supports your wellness needs like getting your daily vitamins and minerals with Ollie's multigummies or keeping your mood upbeat with all the vitamin D in hello Happy. Give your gut health some support with probiotics and wake up feeling refreshed after taking Ollie sleep. Do wellness on your terms. Find Ollie at a Walmart or Target near you or@ollie.com these statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease we' I like to love with my eyes closed. I try not to lead with my ego Everything happened in slow mo but we all smile and said it's all.
- [28:01]
Alison
Right Cause you're the one, you're the one.
- [28:04]
Reid
Double the fun, triple the time for love.
- [28:08]
Janelle Monáe
You're the one, you're the one.
- [28:10]
Reid
You suck the words from my song.
- [28:12]
Janelle Monáe
That'S when I knew I only, I only I only have eyes for two I only have eyes for two I only, I only I only have eyes for two.
- [28:37]
Host
This is risk. This is Janelle Monet behind me now. This was her song coming out about being non monogamous. And I'm here again with sex educator Reid Michalko. Reid, how did you find feel about Sandra Elliott's story opening up.
- [28:56]
Kevin
Oh, my God. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it for so many reasons, and mostly because I am a huge conversion nerd. And so when my partners want to tell me about, you know, the things that they get to do and their adventures, it does a whole cascade of things for me because it just makes me feel safe. Because, yes, I'm in a lovership with somebody who's also non monogamous, maybe as slutty as I am. And also, like, the idea that her requirement or request was that her partner's lovers can, like, look her in the eye and say, I want to fuck your partner. And that also like that. Kind of like you're. Thank you so much for letting me know your desires. And it's really hot that you're telling me this right now. And not that you need my blessing, but you have my blessing.
- [29:51]
Host
That's amazing. Holy shit. All right, so now we're gonna hear a story from someone who is near and dear to you.
- [30:02]
Kevin
Mm. Yes. Next up, we're gonna hear a story from somebody near and dear to my heart. My partner of 18 years, my husband, Alison Moon, author of Girl Sex 101. And everything that we've already been talking about and finding your species and having healthy relationships and being above board as much as you can in ways that work for you, like Allison models all those things. And certainly in my life. And I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for Alison.
- [30:32]
Host
That's fabulous. Yeah. I also love Alison's book. Getting it, which is a lot of the book is very much about those difficult conversations and all of this that we're talking about. All right. Allyson's story is called. Plenty more to learn. But before Allison, a little song composed and recorded, possibly by some members of the Risk staff, or maybe just a drunken horde of sailors. My captain once told me of the women in that sea Half fish and half maiden Quite the sight to see they're fair and ferocious and filled him with fright. And one gave him his sea legs on one moonlit night. I wonder the sea's looking for one such maid for layin with her is how sailors are made. She looked in my eyes as I fled and I begged O lady of the depths, I just want to get pegged. I've been railed by a fair mermaid last her hand in my hair and her strap in my breast.
- [31:55]
Reid
I've been a sex educator for 15 years now, and in that time, I've gotten pretty comfortable getting on stage in front Of a paying audience and riffing about anal or fisting or anal fisting without too much anxiety. But of course I wasn't always like that. In fact, in the early days I was pretty easy to ruffle. Like for instance, my fourth workshop ever, I was on a self funded book tour celebrating the release of my very first novel. And I don't know if you know this, but self published novels about lesbian werewolves. Thank you. Not the big money makers that I was led to believe. I know no one is more disappointed about it than I, but I quickly discovered that if I taught a sex education workshop at a sex toy store in the city that I was in, I would usually make just enough money to make it to the next city. Which is how I found myself in Vancouver in a sex toy store teaching a workshop about strap ons. Now, originally I had pitched her girl sex 101, which at the time was my signature workshop. But the owner of the store said that her clientele preferred more specific activity based workshops. And so I just kind of panicked and grabbed strap on sex, even though I had no outline and had never taught the workshop before. But at that point, I had spent a decent amount of time with a dildo strapped over my mound. So I figured I'd have something to share with the audience. But when the day of the workshop came, I just got completely blindsided by imposter syndrome. I was worried that. That everyone would think that I was just like a marketing pitch for expensive harnesses and dildos, or that I would mismanage my time and spend all my time talking about vaginas and have no time left over for anuses. Because as we all know, you can go from vagina to anus, but you cannot go from anus to vagina. As people started wandering into the store deciding which hard metal folding chair to choose, I felt the back of my neck get hot. I started rearranging my props. I asked for a whiteboard and then got rid of the whiteboard and then asked for the whiteboard again. I was thinking, should I sit or should I stand? Should I just launch in or should I hold for a couple minutes for latecomers? Finally, just in a burst of anxiety, I just. Hello, my name is Alison Moon on a sex educator. I'm here to teach you how to strap it on. The audience was a little taken aback. See, when I get nervous, I tend to speak very quickly. So I took a deep breath and then I invited everyone in the room to share why they were there, which is a great technique as an educator. Get yourself out of your head and into the room with the people listening, listening to their actual needs. And one by one, they shared. And I started to calm down because I recognized these people. These were the people who came to my workshops. There was the lesbian couple celebrating their three week anniversary. You know who you are. There was the pro dominatrix who was there to expand her menu of service options. There was the group of giggly, giddy queers who were probably also a little drunk. There was a middle aged heterosexual couple who had met on OkCupid after their individual terrible divorces, who were there to learn to reclaim their sexual renaissance together. Yeah.
- [36:01]
Sandra
Yeah.
- [36:02]
Reid
Now, teaching in front of men, I realized in that moment was actually new, as was teaching without a demo model. See, up until that point, I had taught all of my workshops at private parties, sex parties, or Burning man, where I had the privilege of having a human being next to me upon whom I could demonstrate some of the techniques. As a kinesthetic learner myself, this is my preferred way of teaching because it's always entertaining and educational, even when words fail. And I'm only now realizing this as I am standing in front of a mixed gender audience, fully clothed, with no body next to me to help. And I start to feel a little nervous again. Finally, everyone is done sharing, except for one man who has planted himself front row center, like less than four feet away from me. He is old. Very old, late 80s, early 90s maybe. And everyone turns to look at him when it's his turn to share. And he doesn't move a muscle. He just stares straight at me with this gentle but slightly disconcerting smile on his face. Okay, let's get started. Harnesses. So there's the one strap, also known as the thong style. There's the two strap, AKA the jockstrap style. And then there's the underwear style. Pros and cons of each style. Here we go. And I start getting into my groove. People are leaning forward, they're laughing at my jokes. People are taking notes. Good job, lesbians. The straight couple, I can already tell, is going to spend a lot of money on sex toys tonight. And I'm good. I'm talking lube, I'm talking dildos, I'm talking harnesses. Everything's going well. And then the guy, the guy falls asleep. I mean, okay, he's old, but like, who the fuck is this guy? Did he just wander in off the street? All right, okay. So sorry. Yeah, where was I? Materials. Dildo materials. So silicone is considered the gold standard of Dildo materials. It is non porous and you can throw it in the dishwasher or even boil it to clean. And now he's snoring and I am having a hard time with this. Okay, so, yeah, so there are other materials also, like hard plastic or Pyrex, or even wood. Nothing. He is just sawing logs through my entire workshop, every once in a while stirring to consciousness and then drifting off again. I am doing my best to get this ship righted, but the audience can tell I am agitated. Nothing is working. I just bear down and muscle through. I get a couple laughs, I share some insights, I answer questions, and at 90 minutes, thank you and good night. After the workshop, everyone is milling around the store. I'm signing books, I'm answering private questions, I'm helping people choose toys. I was totally right about that straight couple. Holy shit. They bought some cool stuff. And then one by one, they leave. The owner gives me my check and then takes the rack of folding chairs out back to Stowaway. And I'm left alone in the store, feeling like a failure. And I am trying to decompress. And I'm putting away all my gear. And that's when I see him. The man. The old man. The completely out of place man. He is standing in the corner, staring at me with that same disconcerting grin. And now I notice that he is holding a bag, a brown paper lunch bag, just curled in two fists in front of his chest like a child. Now, at this point, I already kind of hate this guy. He practically ruined my entire workshop. But now I'm kind of afraid of him. What's in the bag? And why did he wait for me to be completely alone in the store? He sees me look at him and he takes that as an invitation to shuffle towards me. And then I get a better look at him. I see that he is smaller than I thought. He is skinny and stooped, wearing this gray pea coat just hanging off his small frame. And I introduce myself, force a smile. And he introduces himself as Peter from London. And he very much enjoyed my workshop. And in my mind, I scoff, how could you? You weren't even conscious for any of it. But I, of course, smile and thank him. And he says. He asks me if I wouldn't mind terribly if he showed me something. Okay, sure. And that's when he opens the bag and holds it out in front of me. And I peer inside. And nestled at the bottom like a broody squirrel, is a strap on. But it's not like any strap on. I'VE ever seen before, certainly not like anything hanging on the walls of this sex toy store, and I look at him and he smiles and he asks if I'd like to examine it closer, and I nod. He reaches inside and hands it to me with as much care and intensity as if he were handing me a egg. I take it and I hold it up to the light, examining it. The dildo is hard rubber, hollow, pink, modeled after a realistic penis with a tendon and veins and a clear corona. The rubber is shiny, worn smooth. The harness is less recognizable. It's these thin elastic straps like an ancient menstrual belt or like a bra from generations ago. There is no stretch left in the straps and they are worn gray with age. I'm holding it and start to stumble. A question how did you where did you But I don't know what to ask. Peter graciously lets me off the hook by telling me his story. He was stationed in Lyon during the war, alone and terrified in a foreign Nazi occupied city. He didn't get along well with his fellow soldiers, but every once in a while, when he had a little money in his pocket and an evening to himself, he would walk clear across the city to a brothel to visit Jacqueline. And this, he said, was the strap on that she used with him every time. This, I said, holding it higher to make sure I understood, and he nodded and continued. He was in love with Jacqueline. Truly. She saw him, she understood him, she showed him pleasure like he'd never known before, like he never even knew was possible. But after the war he'd never see her again. He returned to London. He married, he had children, and eventually emigrated to Canada. Five years prior to that night that I met him, his wife had died. I started another question, did you? And he cut me off. He never told his wife about it. She didn't know he liked it. She didn't know he had it. He never mentioned or even hinted at wanting her to wear one with him. And answering my next unspoken question, he said, I wonder if I should have told her. I don't think she would have understood. But now, Now I suppose I'll never know. That moment hung heavy in the air between us, this man that I wanted to kick out 20 minutes ago now, this precious, vulnerable human being sharing something with me, a stranger he never even showed his wife. I handed him back this precious object and he placed it back in the bag, and now, overcome with a certain kind of anxiety of his own, he started curling it the paper in his fists. His eyes left mine and started searching the carpeting in front of him. The next thing he said to me was in the general direction of the floor, I saw this workshop. And I thought, if anyone would understand me, if anyone could see me the way that Jacqueline saw me, it would be you. And in that moment, I did. He Transformed from a 90 year old in the middle of a sex toy store in the middle of the night to a soldier, frightened, terrified, really horny, different. I leaned down to catch his eye and I noticed that they were red and misty and I started welling up myself and I said, peter, I am so glad you showed this to me and I am so glad you came tonight. And he just said one syllable, transforming him from an 18 year old back into a 90 year old. And because he was being so vulnerable with me, I decided to share some vulnerability back. And I asked, so how was I? And he looked back at me now and he said, you know your stuff. And then he reached out his hand to pat me on the shoulder in that singularly grandfatherly way and said, but you have plenty more to learn. And then, no more words. He just put this wool plaid trilby on his head, nodded once and left. And I watched him walk into the rainy night, the red and blue neon of the store reflecting against his pale skin. And I realized just how much I had yet to learn. Fifteen years later, I still have more to learn. Every time I teach a workshop, every single time, I learn more about people's fears, their anxieties, their joys, their turn ons. I've learned never to assume what someone has already lived through before they come to my workshop or what they are there to learn. Then I have learned that if I try to pretend I know what somebody's into, I'm probably going to be fucking wrong. But perhaps more importantly, whenever I'm with a new partner, I remember that I'm there to learn, to play, sure. To indulge, of course, but to listen and to appreciate. Sometimes when I put on my strap on and I take that long, sexy walk from my dresser to my bed where my partner will be waiting with a bottle of lube and a smile, I think about Peter and how sad I am that he never got to enjoy with his spouse what I do with mine. But how happy I am that he gave himself permission in small ways when he felt safe enough to do so in a world that wanted him to be ashamed and humiliated and alone. And because of that, he lived a richer life than he would have otherwise. And that's something that I always hold on to Peter's bravery. He reminds me to be brave, to hit on those people that terrify me in their hotness, and to give myself over to learning more about my body and my heart and my mind and the bodies and hearts and minds of my partners. I never want to be calcified or cynical, and I always want to commit to listening and curiosity. Because above all, for the rest of my life, I know that I have plenty more to learn. Thank you.
- [50:42]
Janelle Monáe
Ain't that misfire? Sweet little queen vine? Your actions kindly show me you love me truly. Yeah, you're warmer than July? Sweet as apple pie I can't let you know you're gifting to me, yeah. Cause you can't judge a book. I discover my problem for you to say look, child, look me on a tennis. You can't judge my love, girl Sweet only you Though you can't see through Unconcerned expression I've been.
- [51:25]
Host
Yeah, this is Risk. This is Stevie Wonder behind me now singing about how you can't really judge a book by its cover.
- [51:37]
Kevin
Very appropriate.
- [51:38]
Host
Very appropriate.
- [51:39]
Kevin
Given. Given Alison's story. What did you think?
- [51:42]
Host
Oh, my gosh. You know, it's so true that you just really can't know. With people who, like, for example, it always strikes me how there are people who I learn are super kinky, who I had just judged before as being like, oh, they don't have a kinky bone in their body, you know, or people who seem like, oh, they're probably like, as kinky as fuck. Who are, in fact, not so much.
- [52:17]
Kevin
Yeah. And it is the idea, too, of, like, with the story of this old man, it brings up for me, like, when our parents or grandparents pass away and you're cleaning out their house, like, what do you find? And, oh, my God, you know, Grandpa was into butt plugs or, you know, whatnot. You know, like. Like, when my dad passed away, we were cleaning up his stuff, and my brother found this. He's like, what is this? And I'm like, like, you are holding in your hands Dad's penis pump. And my brother was like, what?
- [52:49]
Host
Oh, my God.
- [52:50]
Kevin
I'm like, yeah, that's awesome, dad. And then my other brother was like, yeah, And I found, like, a whole bag full of Viagra. And I'm like, well, what did you do with it? He goes, I flushed it down the toilet. I'm like, dude, I could have used that. I would have been proud to be using Dad's Viagra, which is a good brand name, I guess, but, like, so I Took the penis pump and took it home. And my brothers were like, my siblings are like, so are you gonna use it? I'm like, it would be an honor to use dad's penis pump. And they're like, gross, man. Too much information.
- [53:20]
Host
Yeah.
- [53:20]
Kevin
But I. I love this story because I remember when Allison got home from this book tour trip and how much this exchange impacted her and just the idea that this man, you know, had this amazing, loving marriage. But there was this one thing that he. He felt like he couldn't tell his wife from a very important time of his life. And then he. He was able to share that with. With Allison, that Allison, you know, got to. To see the actual harness and see how much it meant to this man and what an important time that was in his life. And I just loved. I love this story so much, and I love that the mystery box wanted her to tell this story. And it just means a lot to me.
- [54:02]
Host
Yeah. You know, like, that right there really exemplifies the power of storytelling, the way that it gives us this window into people's hearts and minds. That can be really helpful to hear that other people are going through this or that. All right, and that is all for the best of sex stories number four. Now, Reid and I had so much to say about the stories that we're going to put some of it at the end after the ending music of the show. So stick around to hear us talk even more about subjects that came up from the stories today. And thanks so much for co hosting with me today, Reid.
- [54:53]
Kevin
Oh, my God, Kevin. It was so much fun. Thank you.
- [54:55]
Host
Indeed, indeed. And if you, dear listener, have a story about sex or romance, you know where to find us. We're at risk-show.com submissions and read is@readaboutsex.com that's R E I D about sex dot com.
- [55:15]
Kevin
Thanks again, Kevin. And thank you everyone for listening.
- [55:19]
Host
Thank you. And folks, today's the day.
- [55:23]
Kevin
Take a risk.
- [55:30]
Janelle Monáe
You can't judge love of my love I gotta search these other mind I gotta read between the lines. I take a deeper look. Make a heart an open book. You can't judge a book.
- [55:57]
Host
You know, I often feel like so much of the kink realm and the non monogamous realm is maybe originally, like, inspired by gay male culture of the whatever, 60s, 70s, and so on, but that there's been a lot of evolutionary growth around it all. Since everyone else has, you know, come into the community, I feel like. I often feel like a lot of gay men are still stuck in don't ask, don't tell. When it comes to non monogamy, like, yeah, there's an allowance of yeah, yeah, you can have other sex. Sex with other people, but I don't want to ever know about it. And so it's this weird.
- [56:49]
Kevin
Well, part of that too is like the, the it's erotic. For some people, it's erotic. The don't ask, don't tell is part of what makes it hot. And so like I do think there's different crayons in the crayon box of what people get off on versus. If we talk about this openly, it will ruin my marriage or it will, my partner will be upset. And so like there's the. We're not going to talk about it because that keeps everything. We don't rock the boat. And then there's like, let's talk about it. Because that is. The flip of that also has me not rocking the boat. And then there's the whole cascade of people just being turned on by certain things. I just want to know. I mean, I prefer my preferences to know when like my partner or partners are like fucking other people, mostly because I'm a slut. And if you pick really good people, maybe I want to meet them and maybe, you know, maybe we'll all get together. And again, it's also perfectly valid for people to be like, you know what? I just want to be monogamous. I mean, Lord knows this day and age, that's the edgy stuff. What, you're monogamous? Oh my goodness, how hot. So, yeah, to each their own.
- [58:00]
Host
Yeah, I do. I really appreciated that look into this person's eyes part. I remember, I don't know, it was maybe seven or eight years ago. I was dating a fella who was dating another fella and I kept getting syphilis from him. I was like, wait a minute, is syphilis or gonorrhea or something like that? And finally I was like, hey, honey, I don't know about this other guy.
- [58:29]
Kevin
Is it like, is he in your phone? Is Mr. Syphilis? It's like. But I mean, did they ever figure it out? Like, did, did he talk to his.
- [58:38]
Host
Partner about that is the other guy was seeing was just like not taking care of things.
- [58:43]
Kevin
Yeah, well, that's, that's a whole other thing about like, you know, get tested regularly. Ideally, you know, sleep with people who also get tested regularly where you can talk about your status. Because if people are freaked out about talking about it, then that leads to. Or it's kind of a Hint that maybe they're not going to talk to you about other stuff. And this is like back to Sandra's story, right? Like her partner picking people who could tell her directly, this is my desire. Also bodes well that if you can speak up and be bold and courageous like that, then also if something else happens down the road or there's a hiccup during the sex, like hopefully that person is also capable of finding their words in the moment. And that just kind of creates a cascade effect I think where things are a lot more safe. More safer. I mean there's nothing, there's no like perfect safety. But like if people can't find their words or can't even email you or text you like that they tested positive for something like that. That's worrisome to me.
- [59:47]
Host
Oh yeah, because there's.
- [59:49]
Kevin
What else are we not talking about?
- [59:50]
Host
Yeah, and, and I think, think that there is still hardwired. Even though there's so much conversation about this in the ether nowadays about non monogamy, I still think that in the collective unconscious it is so hardwired that one is either a slut or in a monogamous marriage, you know, that there is this. People just still like in their subconscious, I think have to go against the grain of this training that monogamy equals intimacy and you know, loyalty. You know what I mean? Like, like you can't have a real relationship if, if it's an open one.
- [60:39]
Kevin
There's no such thing as commitment if we're fucking multiple people.
- [60:42]
Host
Yes, yes, yes. So all of this being able to talk to each partner in the unique way that that partnership, you know, needs is like the real key I think to.
- [60:57]
Kevin
Well, and this is stuff that I talk about a lot in my various workshops because it's kind of consistent throughout everything is your ability to have difficult conversations and to, you know, you don't have to have them right away because you might need to go talk to your therapist or talk to your friends. But like your ability to talk about the things you are afraid of might end the relationship. Like if you're not fostering a relationship or relationships where you can talk about the difficult stuff it that not rocking the boat is eventually what sinks the boat in your relationship but that, you know, it's like how do we continue to talk about the scary stuff? And that vulnerability and intimacy is super important and helps for healthier relationships regardless of what your self expression is. And then you know, like the next levels are in talking about those things. If it becomes obvious that you two aren't meant to be together, then have those conversations. Because duration is not the metric we should be using for success.
- [62:06]
Host
Right.
- [62:06]
Kevin
And at the same time, like, when you start having all those conversations, it starts to become obvious or more obvious. Who's a good fit for the kinds of relationships you want to have?
- [62:18]
Host
Yeah.
- [62:18]
Kevin
And if you want casual hookups and it's super erotic to not talk about everything and to not even know people's names, what do you need to feel safe and also honor your other relationships? Sexual health needs. And then you can have all these conversations and then they're not necessarily a buzz kill, but they're like, I'm creating safety for everybody that I sleep with as much as it's possible for me to create that safety. And I'm being up front. And when you find other people who get off on that, even, you know, you can have a two minute check in conversation before you go into the back room somewhere. But until you've learned how to have those communication skills, it would feel impossible and completely daunting. And then until you meet somebody who also gets off on that, we're having the two minute conversation. Then when we go into the back room, we can like, we can throw down hard and. But most people never got get to that level because there's all these little steps we have to be practicing. But when you find, when you find that play party or that orgy where everybody's cool with having the conversations, my experience is that there's so much more sex.
- [63:32]
Host
Yeah.
- [63:32]
Kevin
And it's much better sex because everyone's more relaxed and feels like they can count on each other. And now that's about like slut community. And some people don't know where those watering holes are, but you and I, we know.
- [63:46]
Host
Yeah. I mean, for me, ever since I went to a kink camp for the first time and started like really exploring all of this stuff in a big way, it's been a continual process of learning. Oh, like for example, you just mentioned having a relationship with someone where you're not even allowed to know their name. I have that relationship with someone where it's kind of like Glass Tango in Paris like he wants. Yeah. Because it's what we do is so kinky and yada yada. He wants to remain somewhat anonymous in my life. And it took me a long time to process that. And in fact, there was a breakup for a while because of that until finally I was like, wait, this has worked for us so far? It's just that it doesn't. It's just that people, when I talk to people about it, it doesn't work for them.
- [64:47]
Kevin
Yeah, well, and that's a whole other thing. Like, and again, like, this is, it's so interesting. Interesting because anonymous sex. And again, you'd already mentioned like the gay men's community in this, you know, 60s and 70s and, and even before that. But like, the idea that we had to. Not the less you knew about me, the better because this was going to be a hookup and that was all we could do just for cultural reasons. And now, you know, some people need their privacy. And also like, how do you trust somebody who's not going to tell you their name? And then. But at a certain point there's like, oh, I get it. Like, this does work. There's nothing unhealthy about it, but it feels edgy for a lot of people.
- [65:29]
Host
Right, right.
- [65:30]
Kevin
And like, how do you count on somebody who's anonymous? And that's like a kind of black belt level version of that where, like, it's about being present, it's about being honest and really having to trust somebody because you. You don't know anything about them. And that is kind of a leap of faith. And for some people, that kind of anonymity isn't just how a thing that they need for their privacy, but it's super erotic. Like, it turns your brain on. Yeah, In a way. And not everybody. That's not everybody's kink.
- [66:01]
Host
Yeah. Yeah. Over time, I've learned, oh, when we get together, there's at least a half hour of just checking in about this aspect of our lives. That aspect of our lives. And then after we play, there's at least like a half hour of processing what we just did and realizing along the way of, all right, there's just certain things I'm not going to know. Like his name.
- [66:28]
Kevin
Yeah. And I could also see that as you have that trust over time, that's even kinkier. Like, it's like, oh, you're somebody I've never even known. I was in the situation where friend of mine needed to borrow my apartment to hook up while back in my bartending days in New York City. And I'm like, sure. And then they're like, hey, can we sleep over? And I'm like, yeah. And like, I'll sleep on the floor when I get home at 5 in the morning. Got home at 5 in the morning, they pulled me into bed, apartment's completely dark. We end up having a threesome. I don't even know this person that my friend brought over. And then she goes to work in the morning, and then I wake up next to this person. And now it's light.
- [67:14]
Reid
We.
- [67:14]
Kevin
We fuck again.
- [67:16]
Host
Oh.
- [67:17]
Kevin
And at the very end, we're like. We're, like, having our little pillow chat. And I'm like, can I ask you a question? She's like, yeah. And I'm like, what's your name? And she's like, oh, my God, thank you so much. I couldn't remember your fucking name either. And it was wonderful and so hot also. But I'm also like, I'm feeling like a bad human because I'm fucking this person, but I can't remember your name because I'm just shitty with names, so, you know, to each their own.