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The Top Gun of Getting Mugged: RISK! Reacts
00:28:57
Kevin hears Adam Selbst’s “The Top Gun of Getting Mugged” story from The Artichoke Storytelling Series for the first time and gives you his hot takes. You can also watch this episode on YouTube! This is part of our RISK! Reacts series, where we listen to a story told on another show and give our first reactions
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- [00:05]
Kevin Allison
Risk. Hello, folks. This is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and this is another one of our Risk Reacts video episodes where I listen to a storyteller telling their story and give you my instant reactions based on hearing it for the very first time. Now, if you're hearing this on our podcast, fe a link to the video version in the show notes. But hearing it'll be fun, too. But if you're watching the video version of this, make sure to check out our audio podcast@risk-show.com or wherever you get your podcast. Risk has been sharing jaw dropping true stories for over 15 years. So let's get started. Our friend Drew Prochaska runs the artichoke storytelling series in Beat in New York, and he sent us this story by Adam Selbst that was told live at their July 2021 show. Now, the video of this story lives at the Artichokes YouTube channel Artichoke Show. But I haven't seen it yet, so I have no idea what this story is even about. But Drew thought it would be great for this, and he said he'd love to see my reaction. So without further ado, let's check out Adam's story.
- [01:47]
Adam Selbst
So from a really young age, it was very important to my family that I learned how to fight. Not physically, but, you know, the other kind. The kind of fighting style that my family was really adept at is the kind that you would most regularly employ across, like the Passover table used, utilized against other family members, styles included, like intense debate, emotional leverage, statistics, preferably made up entirely on the spot, out of whole cloth. And from a very young age, I became very adept at this. So much so that in college, my roommate sat me down one day and said, adam, I want to tell you why nobody likes you. Which was news to me. He said, every time somebody says anything at all, you just pick the opposite point and begin arguing with them. And I was like, I don't understand your just describing a conversation to me. And it's really a shame because I would have really benefited from learning how to physically defend myself. I'm a small man. I don't mean just physically, although, you know, okay, we can be honest. Okay, that too. I mean, mentally, I'm a small man, which means I've repeatedly found myself in situations that someone who's smarter than me would have been able to avoid. At least by now. My God. What I'm trying to say is that I've been mugged A lot. I don't want to brag. I have been mugged more than anybody else I have ever met. Don't. No, don't feel bad. Because here's the thing. I'm really good at it. Everyone's good at something. My skill set. Getting mugged. I'm in, I'm out. Wallet, phone, right? Not a scratch on me. Like I'm the fucking top gun of getting mugged. But it has happened a lot, and it's a bit of a drag because, you know, somebody smarter than me would have altered the behavior somewhat. But the fact of the matter is, I have never been hurt, so I've never altered my behavior in the slightest. I'm still out there two in the morning, getting drunk, hitting the cash machine in the worst neighborhood that I've ever seen, and then stumbling home down the side of the street where every single street lamp is knocked out, which is, in fact, what I was doing one of the last times I was accosted. I was just coming back from a really terrible date. So, you know, I hit the cash machine. Worst block in my neighborhood. Was just lurching home when somebody came up behind me and put me in some kind of really cool kung fu grip that would have been great for me to have learned when I was younger. Slapped their hand over my mouth and whispered in my ear, don't move, motherfucker. Give us the money. And this I appreciate, a straightforward mugger. There's no fucking around. Like, you know what's happening. In and out, easy peasy. Usually. Because this time, I don't know if it was like. I don't know, it was my 12th time, and I was like, this is it. We all got a prize. Or if I just had all the liquor coursing through my veins, or the fact that, like, I had just come from such a terrible date. But I decided, it's not happening this time. I'm gonna fight. And as we had previously discussed, I don't know how to do that. So I'm like, this is it. It's go time. The guy has me clamped and his partner's hands are going through my pockets, getting my wallet and stuff. And I was like, what am I gonna do? I was like, well, I don't know how to do this with my. Use the hands and do a thing. I was like, you know what I do know how to do is bite a motherfucker. Now, if nobody here has bitten an actual human being in a fight, let me tell you what you're missing. Here's the Thing about biting someone is there's no take backs. Biting someone is. If nothing else, it's a commitment. If you choose to bite another human being with your actual teeth, you are agreeing to take whatever comes next. That's it. Like that is your decision. And I'm like, but you know, like that's where I was. So I was like, this is it, we're doing it. So I grabbed the guy's hand. It's like this giant meaty paw. Like, how can I chew on this? It's ridiculous. And I shove it in my mouth. And I couldn't go through with it. I knew, I knew it wasn't gonna happen, but I didn't want to back down. Cause I was already halfway there with his hand in my mouth. So I decided to compromise. And I began just swallowing his arm whole like a snake. And at first I think we were both kind of confused by the way the turn that's the KN had taken us. And he leaned over and just sort of said in my ear, he goes, that's disgusting. I don't disagree. I said, that's disgusting. Stop it. But I didn't stop because I had already gotten his whole hand in and I was starting to inch up towards his forearm. And there came a moment where I think we both thought that I was gonna pull it off. Like I was gonna swallow this whole dude. Cause he leaned in and this time there was an edge of panic in his voice. He said, stop it, motherfucker. I said, stop it. But I didn't. I was moving up his forearm. Although I have two admit at this point it was becoming difficult. Then he said the magic words. Bitch, I will stab you. All right, I'm out. I know when I'm outgunned. So I sort of disgorged his arm and I heard him walking away with his friend walking. Cause if I wasn't right there, I probably wasn't really a threat. I get it. And he said, did you see that shit? This dude tried to swallow me. People are fucking crazy. And is right, people. I felt crazy. I was the people. I was crazy. All right, that didn't go great that night. But I had made a choice. I have chosen violence. The only thing that we had to figure out was my exact fighting style. Because trying to swallow a dude whole, turns out that's not in my skill set. But I had made a choice and I was committed to to was a few weeks later during the day when I was accosted on the street next and some dude walked past me and Turned around as I went past and said, what the fuck did you just say about my mother? Now this is rare and I really appreciate it. Someone who cares about their craft. He wasn't just coming at me for. For the money. He was going to establish a narrative first. He wasn't just taking my money for no reason. I had wronged him. I had said something about his mother. I deserved to be punished. And that's why I had to give up my money. It was like an improv session. Like, yes, and here's my wallet and phone. And I turned around and the. And there was something about what he had said about his mother that just something inside me clicked. And inside my chest I felt these ancient wheels turning and these tumblers falling into position. And I turned around and I said, you mother, I said, she must be very disappointed in you. And he. He looked at me shocked because guess what? He wasn't expecting this. But I was fully in there now. Where is she? Is she at home? She doesn't even know where you are. What would she think if she saw what you were doing now? It felt like my head was on fire. My eyes were like cold. Like cold, disapproving, judgmental coals. But still I felt the power of a thousand years of endless annoying Jewish debate and guilt flowing through my veins. And I felt like I was floating like a fucking X man above him. When I finally told him that he was killing his mother, he gave me the traditional Jewish sign of surrender, which is to throw up his arms and say, okay, I don't need this. Whatever, Just leave me alone. I don't know who taught it to.
- [12:43]
Kevin Allison
Him.
- [12:46]
Adam Selbst
But I walked away vindicated, Secure in the knowledge that I would never be a victim again. Except two weeks later I was accosted by a pack of ten twelve year old boys and bed sty at two in the morning who beat the shit out of me and took my wallet. Thank you.
- [13:14]
Kevin Allison
Oh my God. Okay. I'm told the story is called the Top Gun of Getting Mugged. Holy shit. Yeah. Adam has been on Risk twice before and he is such a clever and funny and fun guy. I really appreciate his spirit. And you know, this is so funny because the whole thing reminded me of a sketch that I wrote for the State on MTV when I was was in my sketch comedy show way back when which was called the Barney McMakin School of Self Defense. I was Barney McMakin. My mother was very upset about that because you shouldn't name characters off of next door neighbors. Back home in Cincinnati when Your family still lives right next door. But anyway, Barney McMakin's whole thing in my sketch was teaching you how to stay safe out on the streets of New York City by acting like a complete and total lunatic. So it was various methods of, you know, how to show muggers they should not fuck with you. One was, I know. Singing Joan Baez songs as loud as you possibly could and as much in her range as you could. Another was to pretend you were just covered in leeches. And I was wearing almost nothing I had. I had a terrible flu that day and it was horribly cold outside. But anyway, yeah, it reminded me immediately of the insane things you can do that really can work for fending off muggers. And there's the proof. All right, let's take a quick break, and when we come back, I'll share some other of my initial thoughts about Adam's story. We'll be right back.
- [15:12]
Malcolm Gladwell
This season of Revisionist History. We're investigating everything from the secret behind the perfect nooks and crannies in Thomas English muffins to the merits of Paw Patrol against its critics.
- [15:23]
Kevin Allison
There's some things that really piss me.
- [15:25]
Adam Selbst
Off when it comes to Paw Patrol.
- [15:27]
Kevin Allison
It's pretty simple. It sucks. My son watches Paw Patrol. I hate it.
- [15:32]
Malcolm Gladwell
Everyone hates it except for me. Listen to Revisionist History wherever you get your podcasts.
- [15:39]
Kevin Allison
We're back. First of all, I just want to say I cannot believe that Adam would appear on stage with a stain on his shirt. I mean, good lord, you would think that someone would bring more professionalism to the stage than that. I'm just kidding. Drew Prochaska wrote, adam has a stain on his shirt. I would so love for Kevin to make fun of this because we give Adam shit for it all the time. I did not notice a stain on Adam's shirt. But, you know, I'm teaching these online storytelling workshops right now, and this checked off so many boxes that I've been talking about recently. Decisions, decisions are always so revealing of character, and none are more just like surprising than split second decisions, you know, like almost involuntary reactions. And a lot of that was happening in this story. I love that. Even though it's so self deprecating. It starts with a lot of bragging about how good he is at handling these things without making a mess. Except for the past couple of times that he's gonna tell you about. So that was really, really great. Another thing I talk about is stakes in stories. Like, so much of working on a story is figuring out it's. It's the Therapy of it all. It's figuring out, why is this meaningful to me? Why do I think this might be meaningful for other people? What really is at stake? Am I starting it at the right place and ending it at the right place because of some emotional arc around stakes? But you don't have to worry about that at all when the stakes are life and death. You know what I mean? When someone is like threatening to stab you, the story is ready to write itself. No big struggle to search for what might be at stake there. So, yeah, these kinds of stories are a gift. I mean, even though it's a terrible thing to go through, they are really fun to tell because you never know. There is a kink for swallowing a person's hand. And I should know what it's called because I kind of have that. I've done that on many occasions, but I should learn what the fuck that's called. Someone requested it recently from me and I was like, what are you even talking about? So I need to sharpen up my definitions of things. But anyway, this did remind me of the time that I was mugged. The only time I've lived in New York for 37 years. And the only time I was ever mugged I was listening to a podcast that was actually. It was like a newsy podcast about how safe New York City is now. When. So I've got my phone in my hand and my, you know, wires hanging from my ears listening to this. And I'm all absorbed in it. A guy walks up and punches me in the face like I'm sitting on the subway and a guy walks up and just hits me in the face. And a friend of his, it was a, you know, tag team grabs for my phone, you know, so that I would be shocked and looking at the guy who just hit me while his friend is taking my phone out of my hand. And instinctually I just, like, held on like it was life or death to that fucking phone. And the doors opened. They had timed it to be right when the doors were gonna open and close. And all they got away with was this was the wire and the train. The whole train car stood up and applauded me. So that was a little surprise that I stuck to my guns. But I'll tell you, a friend of mine back when I was in college, I went to film school at nyu. He had the very unlucky experience of carrying a big ass knife as a prop for a movie in his, like, trench coat. It was just in the pocket. They had been shooting a movie and this was a prop and he just needed someplace to put it and put it in his coat and was on his way home late at night and drunk and all that sort of thing and was mugged and used it. I won't say, like, who this was and what all happened, but it was kind of a traumatizing event. I mean, as far as I know, everyone survived, but.
- [20:47]
Adam Selbst
Woo.
- [20:48]
Kevin Allison
That is a fascinating case of. I had no idea I'd do that. I just happened to have this goddamn prop knife, you know, so. Whoo. I mean, there are probably a lot of very interesting stories about people's reactions, people's reactions to strangers, even in random situations. So. Oh, my gosh. So thank you so much to Adam Selbst for sharing the story with us. Despite the stain on the shirt, you can find him on Instagram. As I lay underscore whining like, As I lay dying. Adam is a frequent guest on the Artichoke. And thanks to Drew Prochazka and the Artichoke for sending that story our way. So, technically, this is Adam's third time on Risk. And thank all of you for listening along with me as we keep experimenting with this Risk Reacts format. Let us know what you think. And if you've heard an amazing story on some other podcast and thought Kevin Allison's gotta hear this one, well, let us know. Leave a comment about it on this video or on the episode page on our website. Don't spoil it, though. Don't say what the story is about in any way. Just give us the story title and who the storyteller is and what show it's on, and our staff will look into it and maybe set me up for a surprise, just like this one was. So you can always find us on social media, including you, YouTube, RiskShow, and always on our website, risk-show.com. folks, today's the day. Take a risk.