The Top Gun of Getting Mugged: RISK! Reacts

Wed May 14 2025

Kevin hears Adam Selbst’s “The Top Gun of Getting Mugged” story from The Artichoke Storytelling Series for the first time and gives you his hot takes. You can also watch this episode on YouTube! This is part of our RISK! Reacts series, where we listen to a story told on another show and give our first reactions

Summary

RISK! Podcast Episode Summary
Title: The Top Gun of Getting Mugged: RISK! Reacts
Host: Kevin Allison
Release Date: May 14, 2025

Introduction to RISK! Reacts

In this episode of RISK! Reacts, host Kevin Allison introduces the format where he listens to a storyteller's true and daring tale for the first time and shares his immediate reactions. The featured story is by Adam Selbst, originally presented at the Artichoke Storytelling Series in Brooklyn, New York, in July 2021.

Adam Selbst’s Story: The Top Gun of Getting Mugged

[01:46] Adam Selbst:

Adam Selbst begins his narrative with a humorous yet poignant reflection on his unique talent: being exceptionally good at getting mugged. He shares, “I have been mugged more than anybody else I have ever met. Don't. No, don't feel bad. Because here's the thing. I'm really good at it. Everyone's good at something.” Adam’s knack for attracting muggers is portrayed with self-deprecating humor, highlighting his perceived vulnerabilities.

He recounts a particularly intense mugging incident:
“I was just coming back from a really terrible date. So, you know, I hit the cash machine. Worst block in my neighborhood. Was just lurching home when somebody came up behind me and put me in some kind of really cool kung fu grip...” [07:05]

In a desperate bid to defend himself, Adam attempts an unconventional fighting style—biting his assailant.
“What you’ve missed is, biting someone is there's no take backs. Biting someone is... If you choose to bite another human being with your actual teeth, you are agreeing to take whatever comes next.” [09:15]

As the situation escalates, Adam humorously describes attempting to “swallow his arm whole” like a snake, only to backtrack and release him under threat of being stabbed.
“...this is not in my skill set. But I had made a choice and I was committed...” [11:30]

Adam concludes his story by sharing another mugging experience involving a confrontation over an insult to the mugger’s mother, demonstrating a surprising moment of moral stand that momentarily deters the attacker.
“She must be very disappointed in you... you were killing your mother.” [12:10]

Despite these daring attempts, Adam humorously admits that his efforts didn’t always pay off, recounting a subsequent mugging by younger teens where he ultimately lost his wallet and phone.
“Two weeks later I was accosted by a pack of ten twelve year old boys and beat the shit out of me and took my wallet.” [13:13]

Kevin Allison’s Reactions and Reflections

[13:13] Kevin Allison:

Kevin reacts to Adam’s story with a mixture of amusement and admiration, dubbing Adam “the Top Gun of getting mugged.” He connects Adam’s narrative to his own background in comedy and personal experiences, sharing a related sketch from his time with The State comedy group:
“Barney McMakin's whole thing in my sketch was teaching you how to stay safe out on the streets of New York City by acting like a complete and total lunatic.” [14:00]

Kevin emphasizes the storytelling elements present in Adam’s account, such as split-second decisions and high stakes, which make the story engaging and ready to captivate listeners.
“Decisions, decisions are always so revealing of character, and none are more just like surprising than split second decisions...” [15:12]

He further illustrates his points by sharing his own experience of being mugged in New York City:
“I was listening to a podcast... a guy walks up and just hits me in the face. And a friend of his grabs my phone... instinctually I just held on like it was life or death to that fucking phone.” [16:30]

Kevin also recounts a friend’s traumatic experience involving a prop knife during a mugging, highlighting the unpredictable nature of such confrontations.
“A friend of mine back when I was in college... he had a big ass knife as a prop... he was mugged and used it.” [19:00]

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

[20:46] Adam Selbst:
[20:48] Kevin Allison:

Kevin wraps up the episode by appreciating Adam’s willingness to share his extraordinary and humorous experiences despite their harrowing nature. He playfully teases Adam about a stain on his shirt, adding a light-hearted touch to the intense storytelling.
“I cannot believe that Adam would appear on stage with a stain on his shirt... we give Adam shit for it all the time.” [14:30]

He encourages listeners to engage with the RISK! community by sharing their own captivating stories and hints at the potential for surprise story selections, fostering an interactive and inclusive environment.
“Let us know what you think... you can always find us on social media, including YouTube, RiskShow, and always on our website.” [21:00]

Key Takeaways

Humor in Adversity: Adam Selbst uses humor and self-deprecation to narrate his repeated encounters with muggers, making a grim subject both entertaining and relatable.
Unique Storytelling: The blend of absurdity (attempting to swallow a mugger’s arm) with genuine peril creates a compelling and memorable narrative.
Host’s Personal Connections: Kevin Allison effectively ties Adam’s story to his own experiences and creative background, enriching the listener’s understanding and engagement.
Engaging Format: The RISK! Reacts format provides a fresh perspective, allowing the host to interact dynamically with the storyteller’s account, enhancing the overall storytelling experience.

Notable Quotes

Adam Selbst:
- “I have been mugged more than anybody else I have ever met. Don't. No, don't feel bad. Because here's the thing. I'm really good at it.” [02:10]
- “What you’ve missed is, biting someone is there's no take backs...” [09:15]
Kevin Allison:
- “Barney McMakin's whole thing in my sketch was teaching you how to stay safe out on the streets of New York City by acting like a complete and total lunatic.” [14:00]
- “Decisions, decisions are always so revealing of character, and none are more just like surprising than split second decisions...” [15:12]
- “I cannot believe that Adam would appear on stage with a stain on his shirt...” [14:30]

Final Remarks

"The Top Gun of Getting Mugged: RISK! Reacts" is a captivating episode that melds humor with harrowing real-life experiences. Adam Selbst’s extraordinary tales, coupled with Kevin Allison’s insightful and amusing reactions, offer listeners an engaging and thought-provoking narrative on resilience and the unpredictable nature of human interactions in high-stakes situations.

For more stories and episodes, visit risk-show.com or follow RISK! on social media platforms.

Transcript

Kevin Allison (0:05)

Risk. Hello, folks. This is Risk, the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison, and this is another one of our Risk Reacts video episodes where I listen to a storyteller telling their story and give you my instant reactions based on hearing it for the very first time. Now, if you're hearing this on our podcast, fe a link to the video version in the show notes. But hearing it'll be fun, too. But if you're watching the video version of this, make sure to check out our audio podcast@risk-show.com or wherever you get your podcast. Risk has been sharing jaw dropping true stories for over 15 years. So let's get started. Our friend Drew Prochaska runs the artichoke storytelling series in Beat in New York, and he sent us this story by Adam Selbst that was told live at their July 2021 show. Now, the video of this story lives at the Artichokes YouTube channel Artichoke Show. But I haven't seen it yet, so I have no idea what this story is even about. But Drew thought it would be great for this, and he said he'd love to see my reaction. So without further ado, let's check out Adam's story.

Adam Selbst (1:46)

So from a really young age, it was very important to my family that I learned how to fight. Not physically, but, you know, the other kind. The kind of fighting style that my family was really adept at is the kind that you would most regularly employ across, like the Passover table used, utilized against other family members, styles included, like intense debate, emotional leverage, statistics, preferably made up entirely on the spot, out of whole cloth. And from a very young age, I became very adept at this. So much so that in college, my roommate sat me down one day and said, adam, I want to tell you why nobody likes you. Which was news to me. He said, every time somebody says anything at all, you just pick the opposite point and begin arguing with them. And I was like, I don't understand your just describing a conversation to me. And it's really a shame because I would have really benefited from learning how to physically defend myself. I'm a small man. I don't mean just physically, although, you know, okay, we can be honest. Okay, that too. I mean, mentally, I'm a small man, which means I've repeatedly found myself in situations that someone who's smarter than me would have been able to avoid. At least by now. My God. What I'm trying to say is that I've been mugged A lot. I don't want to brag. I have been mugged more than anybody else I have ever met. Don't. No, don't feel bad. Because here's the thing. I'm really good at it. Everyone's good at something. My skill set. Getting mugged. I'm in, I'm out. Wallet, phone, right? Not a scratch on me. Like I'm the fucking top gun of getting mugged. But it has happened a lot, and it's a bit of a drag because, you know, somebody smarter than me would have altered the behavior somewhat. But the fact of the matter is, I have never been hurt, so I've never altered my behavior in the slightest. I'm still out there two in the morning, getting drunk, hitting the cash machine in the worst neighborhood that I've ever seen, and then stumbling home down the side of the street where every single street lamp is knocked out, which is, in fact, what I was doing one of the last times I was accosted. I was just coming back from a really terrible date. So, you know, I hit the cash machine. Worst block in my neighborhood. Was just lurching home when somebody came up behind me and put me in some kind of really cool kung fu grip that would have been great for me to have learned when I was younger. Slapped their hand over my mouth and whispered in my ear, don't move, motherfucker. Give us the money. And this I appreciate, a straightforward mugger. There's no fucking around. Like, you know what's happening. In and out, easy peasy. Usually. Because this time, I don't know if it was like. I don't know, it was my 12th time, and I was like, this is it. We all got a prize. Or if I just had all the liquor coursing through my veins, or the fact that, like, I had just come from such a terrible date. But I decided, it's not happening this time. I'm gonna fight. And as we had previously discussed, I don't know how to do that. So I'm like, this is it. It's go time. The guy has me clamped and his partner's hands are going through my pockets, getting my wallet and stuff. And I was like, what am I gonna do? I was like, well, I don't know how to do this with my. Use the hands and do a thing. I was like, you know what I do know how to do is bite a motherfucker. Now, if nobody here has bitten an actual human being in a fight, let me tell you what you're missing. Here's the Thing about biting someone is there's no take backs. Biting someone is. If nothing else, it's a commitment. If you choose to bite another human being with your actual teeth, you are agreeing to take whatever comes next. That's it. Like that is your decision. And I'm like, but you know, like that's where I was. So I was like, this is it, we're doing it. So I grabbed the guy's hand. It's like this giant meaty paw. Like, how can I chew on this? It's ridiculous. And I shove it in my mouth. And I couldn't go through with it. I knew, I knew it wasn't gonna happen, but I didn't want to back down. Cause I was already halfway there with his hand in my mouth. So I decided to compromise. And I began just swallowing his arm whole like a snake. And at first I think we were both kind of confused by the way the turn that's the KN had taken us. And he leaned over and just sort of said in my ear, he goes, that's disgusting. I don't disagree. I said, that's disgusting. Stop it. But I didn't stop because I had already gotten his whole hand in and I was starting to inch up towards his forearm. And there came a moment where I think we both thought that I was gonna pull it off. Like I was gonna swallow this whole dude. Cause he leaned in and this time there was an edge of panic in his voice. He said, stop it, motherfucker. I said, stop it. But I didn't. I was moving up his forearm. Although I have two admit at this point it was becoming difficult. Then he said the magic words. Bitch, I will stab you. All right, I'm out. I know when I'm outgunned. So I sort of disgorged his arm and I heard him walking away with his friend walking. Cause if I wasn't right there, I probably wasn't really a threat. I get it. And he said, did you see that shit? This dude tried to swallow me. People are fucking crazy. And is right, people. I felt crazy. I was the people. I was crazy. All right, that didn't go great that night. But I had made a choice. I have chosen violence. The only thing that we had to figure out was my exact fighting style. Because trying to swallow a dude whole, turns out that's not in my skill set. But I had made a choice and I was committed to to was a few weeks later during the day when I was accosted on the street next and some dude walked past me and Turned around as I went past and said, what the fuck did you just say about my mother? Now this is rare and I really appreciate it. Someone who cares about their craft. He wasn't just coming at me for. For the money. He was going to establish a narrative first. He wasn't just taking my money for no reason. I had wronged him. I had said something about his mother. I deserved to be punished. And that's why I had to give up my money. It was like an improv session. Like, yes, and here's my wallet and phone. And I turned around and the. And there was something about what he had said about his mother that just something inside me clicked. And inside my chest I felt these ancient wheels turning and these tumblers falling into position. And I turned around and I said, you mother, I said, she must be very disappointed in you. And he. He looked at me shocked because guess what? He wasn't expecting this. But I was fully in there now. Where is she? Is she at home? She doesn't even know where you are. What would she think if she saw what you were doing now? It felt like my head was on fire. My eyes were like cold. Like cold, disapproving, judgmental coals. But still I felt the power of a thousand years of endless annoying Jewish debate and guilt flowing through my veins. And I felt like I was floating like a fucking X man above him. When I finally told him that he was killing his mother, he gave me the traditional Jewish sign of surrender, which is to throw up his arms and say, okay, I don't need this. Whatever, Just leave me alone. I don't know who taught it to.