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- [00:01]
Unnamed Speaker 1
Yeah, sure thing. Hey, you sold that car yet?
- [00:04]
Unnamed Speaker 2
Yeah, sold it to Carvana.
- [00:06]
Unnamed Speaker 1
Oh, I thought you were selling to that guy.
- [00:09]
Unnamed Speaker 2
The guy who wanted to pay me in foreign currency, no interest over 36 months.
- [00:14]
Candace Guardino
Yeah, no.
- [00:15]
Unnamed Speaker 1
Carvana gave me an offer in minutes.
- [00:17]
Unnamed Speaker 2
Picked it up and paid me on the spot.
- [00:19]
Unnamed Speaker 1
It was so convenient. Just like that? Yeah.
- [00:22]
Unnamed Speaker 3
No hassle?
- [00:23]
Unnamed Speaker 4
None.
- [00:24]
Unnamed Speaker 1
That is super convenient.
- [00:26]
Unnamed Speaker 3
Sell your car to Carvana and swap hassle for convenience. Pick up these may apply Where'd you get those shoes? Easy. They're from dsw. Because DSW has the exact right shoes for whatever you're into right now. You know, like the sneakers that make office hours feel like happy hour, the boots that turn grocery aisles into runways, and all the styles that show off the many sides of you, from daydreamer to multitasker, and everything in between. Because you do it all in really great shoes. Find a shoe for every you at your DSW store or DSW.com as a.
- [01:01]
Unnamed Speaker 5
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- [02:04]
Unnamed Speaker 6
Looking to improve your diet in the new year? Try seeing a personal dietitian with Nourish. Nourish has hundreds of dietitians who specialize in a variety of health concerns, including weight loss, gut health, and more. Meet with your dietitian online and message them anytime through the Nourish app. Nourish accepts hundreds of insurance plans 94% of patients pay $0 out of pocket. Find your personal dietitian@usenourish.com that's usenourish.com.
- [02:41]
Jeff Barr
Hello gang. This is Risk. This show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I am your loyal Risk episode editor Jeff Barr, stepping in for Kevin while he's out whooping it up in Thailand. But you know that every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at from our earlier years. This week's no different. An episode that premiered in January of 2013. It's an episode we call the Walking Wounded.
- [04:09]
Unnamed Speaker 2
Hello kids, this is Extra Risk where we give you just a little bit more of the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison. This is a song called Scream and Shout like Chicks on Speed by Distotech. And we're calling today's episode the Walking Wounded because we have two stories of people going through some rough rites of passage. The second story we'll hear will come from our dear friend Dave Hill. Brilliant comic and he told an especially poignant story at a recent Risk live show. You should definitely check out Dave's podcast of his own. It's called the Dave Hill Podcasting Incident. I had an absolute blast when I was a guest on Dave's show fairly recently. Go check out that episode of the Dave Hill Podcasting Incident. We talked about how I recently got tied up and tickle tortured by an acquaintance. Emphasis more on the torture part than the tickle part. But before we hear from Dave, we're going to hear from the charming young actress, Candace Guardino. Candace has done some fabulous cabaret shows around town here in New York and multi character solo shows. You can hear how good she is at impressions of people in this story. This is Candace Guardino live at the New York Risk show. We call this one time you know what it tastes like.
- [05:50]
Unnamed Speaker 4
FCAA is for familiaritization. Just another corporate ruined organization. Staten Island. I'd like to talk to you about Staten Island. It's a place where every boy's name is either Vinnie, Anthony or Joey. It's a place where the people say and coffee. And by people I mean my mother. Staten island is also known as the most popular area for garbage dumping. Staten island is where all the women go to Antonets tips, if I can remember that correctly, to get their very long acrylic nails put on so they can type just like that. Staten Island. I grew up there, born and raised actually, and I'm very proud of it. And I'd like to take you back from when I was about 13. Staten Island. Our Lady Help of Christians Grammar school? Yes. I went to a Catholic elementary school. What is it? Elementary, junior high school. Like, all the levels, all Catholic, all the time. Me in a little plaid skirt with the pleats and the little white man tailor shirt and the buttons that, you know, like that tie, that button so you feel like you're choking yourself to death. I wore those every day of my life. And the slutty girls, they hiked their skirts really, really high. I didn't because I was chubby, so I didn't feel that that would be a good idea. So here I am, 13, seventh grade, and Mrs. Conti is teaching some sort of social studies that I really never paid attention to. Mrs. Conti looked like Cher, but think Cher, like Moonstruck, 1984, with, like, the white streaks through her black, frizzy hair. That's what she looked like. And I remember distinctly because I was daydreaming, not really paying attention to what's going on over here. And I'm staring at the most beautiful man ever. And all of a sudden I hear, kansas, can you name the five Great Lakes? Shit, no. Clearly I couldn't because I wasn't paying attention. And I probably couldn't actually name the five Great Lakes right now if you asked me to. Honestly, I can't name them. But I remember when I was staring and, like, looking at Joey. That's his name. His name is Joey. He is, like, the hottest freaking man I've ever seen in my life. I was 13. I mean, my hormones were raging, and I'm staring at him and staring at him. You know why I loved him so much? Because he looked just like my celebrity crush. My celebrity crush. Oh, man. I would run home every day and I'd turn on the television and I would watch this man. Just how he handled those three little girls. And I just loved him. And the cleaning products and the way his tall, slender body. I loved Danny Tanner. I loved Full House. I wanted Danny Tanner. And Joey. Joey looked just like Danny Tanner. I mean, everything about him. And he was the most popular guy at St. Joseph by the Sea. And Our Lady Help of Christians. Every school knew him. And he was in my class. Joey. Bell rings and what happens? I gather my books very quickly and I like to hurry up, because if I can walk past him just in time to brush his shoulder, I can smell his cologne. CK1. It was so good. So here we go. I pack all my bags and I brush past him. But this time, I don't touch him. Because all the freaking popular Girls always gather around him. You know the popular girls in Staten Island? They were blonde, they were thin, they never had to dye it, and they never wore braces. I was the actual opposite of that. Yeah, those girls, they're talking to him. They're having a conversation with him. And he's listening because he's polite and sweet because his mommy raised him so great. And I just. I love him. And all of a sudden, he sees me walk past him. And he turns, he actually comes over to me and he says, you want to play freeze tag in the woods? Fuck, yeah, I do, actually. I said that in my head. And I stood there, my best friend goes f cking ansel, oh, yes, I'll meet you there after. So I go put away my books, and I see all the popular kids going towards the woods. The woods were, like, I don't know, a few feet away from the school. And my house was kind of near that too. So I always walked home. But this time, I walked to the woods with purpose. And here I am walking, and the whole entire time I'm saying to myself, don't be a fucking dork. Don't be a dork. Just play freeze tag good. Be a good athletic person. Don't be a dork. Don't be a dork. And we get to the woods and all the popular guys are lined up. And all the popular girls are lined up. It was so Twilight, except for the whole vampire and wolf thing. And we're in the forest. It was so sexy. I stand at the end of the popular girl line, the only brunette, and here I am. And Joey, of course, says, we're gonna start picking teams. I'm team captain. Raise your hands. Fuck. Okay, here we go. Oh, Joey, pick me. Please pick me. Please pick me. Please pick me. I'll take Candace.
- [11:20]
Unnamed Speaker 1
Fuck.
- [11:21]
Unnamed Speaker 4
He picked me, okay? He picked me. Like, that's a good thing. He, like, likes me, right? Okay, now I can't fuck up the game. I mean, it's freeze tag, for Christ's sake. I got this. Freeze tag. Here we go now. Base, by the way, was this huge tree in the forest. It was, like, sunken in the back, but we all knew where the tree was. And I knew it was especially because it was, like, right behind my house. And that was Bass. Got it. Here we go. We're running. And I see base. Now fricking other team is following me. They're right behind me. I feel them on my ass. And I also feel Joey looking at me, and he's like, baby, you suck, but don't don't give up. You can do it. Go to that tree. Got it. So here I go. I'm running, and I'm running towards the tree, and I'm running like all hell. And I put my hand out because I just want to touch the tree. Oh, dear God. And I'm almost there, and bang. I fell down a well. Literally, a well. Like Baby Jessica in the 90s. So let's discuss this well first thing. I didn't even know there was a fucking well in Staten Island. There's no wells in Staten Island. And here I am, stuck in a well. It's dirty, it smells, and it's very Silence of the Lambs. Mine is the poodle. And I swear to God, the whole time I kept thinking, am I down? And he's up. And how did I get down here? And he leans over and looks down and he says, candace, you all right? Yeah, I'm fine. It was really dirty. So here he goes. He sticks his hand down, he gets on his belly and he tries to grab my hand, and I try to reach up. My leg is stuck. My foot's stuck. Okay, I can't reach you. All right? What am I gonna do? Just sit here? Go get my mom. My house is the one behind the big tree. All right. So now Joey runs home to get my mom to tell him I fell in a well. Mrs. Gardino, your daughter fell down a well? A well. Nine, one, one. Get me the fire department, the police, maybe even an ambulance, I don't know. She goes and gets the rosary beads from her bedroom, runs down the steps, and runs to the forest with Joey in her other hand. She's running, and she gets to the forest, and now she sees me down the well, and she says, candace, are you all right? Mom, I'm okay. My leg is stuck. Now my tummy really hurts. Don't worry. I called everyone, okay? And all of a sudden I hear.
- [14:06]
Unnamed Speaker 7
Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.
- [14:08]
Unnamed Speaker 4
And I'm thinking, there's no way she called the ambulance or fire department or anything like that. She wouldn't do that, right? Would she? All of a sudden, you hear, she's over here. And you see all of the firemen running with their axes and shovels. The police pull up, and all the popular kids are now standing over the well, looking in and laughing. And they start digging because they can't reach. So they start digging down this well and digging and digging. And now the dirt is coming in this way, and I'm in the center. The dirt's falling in it's up to about here. My leg is stuck. I can't get out. The fireman gets finally down the well, further enough that he's able to touch my hand, and he says, I'm gonna pull. And another guy's gonna come down and get your foot out, okay? And as the other guy comes down, he looks at my leg and he says, we have a blader. My leg was cut, apparently. So my mother takes out the rosary bead. She starts praying to God. She's saying every rosary known to man that a Catholic could possibly know. And they finally get me out of this well. They carry me out, and now I'm out of the forest. And as we turn to come out, there's every Staten island person there. I mean, anyone you could possibly think of. My aunts, my Uncle Joey, and now all of the popular kids. Shit, they even called my uncle. Well, Lenny the ice cream guy showed up. I mean, anyone you could possibly think of is there. All of my neighbors. And the fireman carries me out, and he says, where's the truck? Where's the truck? And he puts me on the back of the truck. So I'm sitting on the back of the truck, and my mother's flipping out because there's blood everywhere. So now he rips open the bottom of my pants. Where's the blood on my leg? If it's not coming from my leg, then where is it coming from? Mom? My mother steps onto the fire truck. She turns around to the crowd, everyone. Candace is just fine. She got her period. The crowd cheers. And one by one, each person is coming up to me, hugging me, shaking my hand. It's like the graduation song was playing in my voice. And all of a sudden, firefighter comes over and he taps me on the back. Good job. And then through the crowd, I see a small woman coming through. It's my grandmother. She has a cup of coffee in her hand. It's time you know what it tastes like. Welcome to womanhood, Candace. It fucking sucks. I didn't really know what, like, period was. I just knew it was bad. I knew, like, something was happening to me and that maybe I would die or. I don't know, maybe I was supposed to produce a child. I wasn't sure exactly what it was, but apparently it was kind of cool because. Well, the next two weeks became a blur because I would receive cards in the mail and presents, and my mom would display the cards all over the mantel. Congratulations. Welcome to womanhood. I got these really cool gifts. I got these little. They floated in the water, they looked like little boats. I later found out they were pads, but I thought they were funny. And the tampon thing really, like, was new experience. But all in all, I'd like to thank my mom because I grew up thinking that every time someone got their period, we had to announce it and send cards and gifts to their house. So thanks, mom.
- [17:56]
Unnamed Speaker 3
Thank you.
- [18:02]
Unnamed Speaker 4
Are you all right? My leg is stuck now my tummy really hurts. Don't worry. I called everyone. The fire department, the police, maybe even an ambulance. I don't know. Okay, she's over here. She's over there.
- [18:30]
Unnamed Speaker 7
She's over there. She's over there.
- [18:39]
Unnamed Speaker 2
We'll be right back, folks.
- [18:42]
Candace Guardino
This episode of Risk is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, have you thought about what you want your 2025 story to be? You know, a therapist can be like a story coach. Who, who is your editorial partner helping you write new chapters and create the meaning in the story you are living into the story you deserve to live. I remember in therapy, gosh, this must have been like 10 years ago. A therapist led me through brainstorming on myths in my life. Things that I believed that followed a certain storyline that were just not necessarily true. That was really profound to kind of step out of the fishbowl and reassess. I've definitely learned positive coping skills from my therapy. And boundaries. Boundaries with others and boundaries with myself. Therapy is not just for people who have experienced serious trauma. It's a way of helping anyone to be your better self. And the thing about BetterHelp is it's completely online. It's affordable and convenient. It's a network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists. Lots of specialties. You can look for someone who meets your specific needs. And you can switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. So write your story with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com risk today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com risk hey there, Ryan Reynolds here.
- [20:41]
Unnamed Speaker 3
It's a new year and you know what that means. No, not the diet resolutions. A way for us all to try and do a little bit better than we did last year. And my resolution, unlike big wireless, is to not be a raging and raise the price of wireless on you every chance I get. Give it a try@mintmobile.com Switch $45 upfront payment required. Equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first 3 month plan only taxes and fees. Extra speed slower above 40 GB on unlimited. See mintmobile.com for details.
- [21:09]
Unnamed Speaker 8
You just realized your business needed to hire someone yesterday. How can you find amazing candidates fast? Easy. Just use Indeed. Stop struggling to get your job posts seen on other job sites. Indeed's sponsored Jobs help you stand out and hire fast. With Sponsored Jobs, your post jumps to the top of the page for your relevant candidates so you can reach the people you want faster and it makes a huge difference. According to Indeed data, Sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed have 45% more applications than non sponsored jobs. Plus with Indeed sponsored Jobs, there are no monthly subscriptions, no long term contracts, and you only pay for results. And listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to get your jobs more visibility@indeed.com listen just go to indeed.com listen right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com listen terms and conditions apply. Hiring Indeed is all you need.
- [22:07]
Unnamed Speaker 1
ABC Wednesdays Tim Allen and Kat Dennings.
- [22:10]
Unnamed Speaker 8
Star in the new family comedy Shifting Gears.
- [22:12]
Unnamed Speaker 4
Dad, I'm broke and I need a place to stay until I figure out what the rest of my life looks like.
- [22:17]
Unnamed Speaker 1
So a couple of days when his daughter moves back in. The last time you walked out that door, you looked back at me and gave me a double bird.
- [22:24]
Unnamed Speaker 4
I was 18. The double bird was how I ended all our conversations.
- [22:27]
Unnamed Speaker 1
The wheels come off.
- [22:29]
Unnamed Speaker 4
Can we try to take talk to each other like rational adults?
- [22:31]
Unnamed Speaker 1
If you watch the news lately, that's not a thing anymore.
- [22:33]
Unnamed Speaker 8
New Wednesdays, 8, 7 Central on ABC.
- [22:36]
Unnamed Speaker 1
And stream on Hulu. We're back. Growing up, I always thought my whole life, really, I thought I had a really good understanding and appreciation of death. Like someone gets sick or they get old or they get hit by a bus or they get accidentally thrown in a burlap sack and thrown over the side of a boat in the middle of the night or whatever and they're dead. Like that's it. Like I was just like, well, that's just life, you know, and, and then there'd be a funeral and a wake and a reception. Like when that'd be kind of like this fun kind of victory lap, you know, after a hopefully nice long and nice, you know, life. And like, you know, as a kid I would my, you know, my grand, my, you know, a great grandparent or someone would someone die and I'd be like, oh cool. Like we're gonna have sandwiches and cookies would be great. Like I may have been like too accepting of death now that I think about it. But anyway, a couple years ago my mom Died. And it was like a whole different story. Like, all of a sudden, I was like, whoa. Like, well, it was as if no one had ever died before in the history of time. And, like, the very concept of death didn't even exist. I just couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she. She died. Like, even aside. Not even, like, on a grief level. Like, it was just, like, it didn't compute. Like, and it didn't make any sense because definitely the last. At least two or three times I saw my mom, she was. You guys, she was so dead. Like, I touched her, I kissed her, you know, and she was just, like, the deadest lady you could ever imagine. She was so dead, like, could not be debated. Super dead lady. But I could not still. Just couldn't wrap my head around it. So I decided to tell myself that, you know, she just moved. And because I was like, that makes more sense to me. Like, she just moved, like, in the middle of the night. Like, my mom, you know, had a nice, long life, and she lived in Cleveland the whole time. So it's like, you know, it's well within her rights to just pick up and move. Like, Paris Paramus, wherever, wherever you want to go. Like, just get out of town for a little bit. But then I thought about it, like, and I was like, well, my mom was, like, a really nice lady. She wouldn't just pick up and move in the middle of the night and, like, leave all her stuff behind and leave my dad with all the house chores and worst of all, make it so, like, I can't borrow money ever or anything. Like, there's no way she would do this. So eventually I had to just accept, like, I guess. I guess she is. You know, everyone's saying she's dead. I guess I'll just go with that thing that she's dead. And my mom was an Irish Catholic lady, so of course she's like, she was super religious. And I know she believed in an afterlife. Like, I think she's, like, pretty much counting on it. And I know opinions vary on that, but I was like, for her sake. Like, I know she wanted an afterlife. So I was like, then she gets an afterlife. She's. So I was like, that's where my mom is. She's in the afterlife.
- [25:31]
Unnamed Speaker 7
And.
- [25:32]
Unnamed Speaker 1
And then once I thought that I was like, well, you know, I jumped to the next logical conclusion that she could definitely see me all the time. Like, no matter what I did. And as soon as you start thinking like that, I was like, my mom can see Me. And I was like, oh, my God, I do so much fucked up stuff. Like, pretty much everything I do is so fucked up all the time. And then I had to lay down some ground rules with my mom, and I was like, mom, you can't, you know, be checking out everything. Like, no, you can't go in the bathroom. Aside from, like, the obvious stuff that goes on in there. Like, the gross stuff. Like, I have so many moisturizers and just, like, embarrassed. Just stuff straight men should not have. Like, And I'm like, I don't. This woman does not need to know about that. And then I live in a studio apartment, so, like, my bed takes up, like, half the place. And I'm like, all right, so if I'm in bed, she can't. She can't be seeing that. Like, not that I'm like, just hanging and banging. I mean, I do all right. I do fine. I do great. But, you know, like, you know, like, pull my boxers off in the middle of the night. It's just weird to have my ass hanging. Just stuff my mom shouldn't have to see, you know? And then the rest of my apartment is pretty much my desk, and that's where my computer is. So. No, you can't, you know, when I'm on my computer, she wouldn't understand the research that I do. So I was like, you can't. Can't. Okay. No bathroom, no bed. No, no, no. Whenever I'm at my desk, so it pretty much leaves. Like, she can see me, like, putting on my shoes and, like, making spaghetti. And that stuff's adorable, don't get me wrong. But, like, I feel like my mom deserved more than that. So it's like. So it's just like another thing I'm really frustrated about after she died. And then, you know, so she's gone and. But my dad is still around. So as soon as my mom was gone, I was like, I have to really make the most of my time with my dad. Like, I can spend. You know, I miss my mom, but I can spend time with my dad. So I'm like, really trying to up the ante on hanging out with him. And so, you know, we usually just hang out and drink coffee of various strengths and things and chat and then we'll go out to eat. And, like, when my mom was alive, it'd always be like, she wouldn't want to go out to eat. She'd be like, let's just. Just stay home. We'll boil something. But my dad, like, I can just be like, let's go out to eat and be like, yeah. Fuck, yeah. He doesn't swear. He's a gentleman. But anyway, so we'd go out in my whole life, when we would go out to eat, like, it would never be, like, never being concerned that I would actually pay for any of it. But somewhere along the line, as soon as my mom got sick with cancer a couple years ago, right around then, we would go out to eat. And, you know, like, in my 20s, I started to do where you, like, reach for your wallet. Like. Like, right. Like my dad be like, well, that's adorable. Like, you would. Might actually, like, I knew I had no money, but I would be like, oh, it's sweet that you pretended. And. But then I remember we were out to dinner, and the check came, and I'm just sort of like, do that thing, dad. And he. And I. So I took my wallet out to see what would happen, and I'm waiting for him just like, oh, no, I got this one. And he didn't. And just to test him, I was like, let me get this one. And he's like, oh, okay. And I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? And I totally end up paying for dinner. I'm like, well, that was just a fluke. We go out again, and I pay for again. It happens, you know, over and over, and I start to worry, and I call my siblings. I'm just like, oh, my God. Like, you know, dad's. You know, mom's dying, and. And, you know, he's going broke. Like, he can't even pay for Chinese food now. Like, what's going on? Like, is he okay? And my. You know, talk to my brother, and he's like, yeah, he's fine. Like, that guy's loaded. He could live, like, another 50 years. And he's got a ton of money. So I was like, God, this is even worse than I expected. Like. Like, I realized the only reason he could live possibly be letting me pay for dinner was to, like, show me some sort of respect or something. Like, he's like, I have, son. I know you're a grown man who can pay for PF Changs now. And I was like, that's what this is about, Dad. I do not need this kind of respect from you. So needless to. So my mom's dead, and my dad is bleeding me dry. So I'm like, oh, it's like I'm getting, like, really depressed. And I. And I was trying everything. It's, like, drinking a lot, prescriptions, therapy, everything. And the one thing that worked was running. And it's the most embarrassing. The worst. I hate run. It's the fucking worst. Does anyone run here? No. It's horrible, right? I mean, everything. I hate the time that it takes. I hate the outfit. I hate the running part is the worst. Where you actually. That's so bad. And even worse is, like, the other runners, when you're running along and they see you from far away, and they're like, hey, we're both running. Fuck you. Like, they're miserable. I don't want to connect with you. So, anyway, shortly after my mom died, I'm, like, out running in Cleveland, where I'm from, and. Thank you. And it's freezing out. And I was, like, running so far, and, like, it's getting, like. And it's dead of winter, and I start to think, like, I can't. I can't feel my. My penis anymore. Like, I think I might be getting, like, my testicles had jumped up into my body, like, long ago during the run. And, like, my. I was like, oh, man. Like, my penis is just this little nub of cashew, like, nub just frozen. I was like, I think I might get frostbite in my penis. I don't want this to happen. You know, I start to panic, and I'm too far from home to just turn it around. So I start, like, fluffing myself, you know, as I'm running. And then I start to think, like, who can see me, like, right now? Like, what's going on? You know, Like. Like people. I'm assuming people are, like, looking out the front window or like, cars, so come up with this, like, mathematical equation, like, how many. You know, every 30 seconds or so, I can really try to revive my genitals. And, you know, I'm like, this is about survival. And so I didn't want anyone to really see that I was basically masturbating running down a main road in Cleveland. But then it occurred to me, like, the one person that could see all of it was my mother. And I was like, oh, fuck, Mom. You have a tough choice to make right now, because, you know, like, whether you want, you know, your son to be masturbating publicly on the streets of your hometown, or you want me to, like, have it be awkward every time I go in the showers the rest of my life or whatever. So I'm like, mom, you gotta let me have this one. I think I'd like to think she said yes. But anyways, aside from all that, you know, the bigger Thing is that I just miss her. Like, you know, you. I sort of wish death came with this sort of exit interview where you could, like, kind of talk it over. Like, I just want my mom to know that everything's okay. And, like, I'm not gonna become a call girl unless I want or whatever, you know, I just didn't want her to work. So my whole life, I always did all this stuff, you know, writing and comedy and music and just stuff that doesn't guarantee, stuff that makes parents worry, you know? And, like, I just wanted, like, I want my mom to get it, and I want her to be proud of me. And, you know, I spent my whole life, especially my adult life, just being really frustrated. Like, what's her problem? You know? And I remember when I was like, 15, sneaking down in the kitchen, like, in the middle of the night and to bake cookies. And then, like, the door, it's like midnight, and my mom like, oh, shit, like, I'm busted, like, making cookies. And she was like, no, no, we're cool. And it was. She was just like, basically, you give me some cookies and I won't tell anyone else in the house there's cookies. So I'm like, all right, shut the fucking door. She. I could swear in front of her. And so we're sitting down and we're chatting, just, you know, mostly cookie talk, like, how good they are, like, right when they're out of the oven and how good they are. Or like, after a while, like a little burn, not quite cooked, you know, like, cookie talk. And. And as we're talking, like, I realized I'm like, holy shit. Like, this lady isn't just my mom. She's like, a person. And, like, I think we might even be friends. Like, oh, this is so gross. But, like, you know, I realized things would never be the same. Like, we were, you know, we had always been friends. We'd be friends for life. And it was like, you know, kind of a nice realization. But, you know, for a 15 year old, it's a bit horrifying. And in the last few months of my mom's life, when she was too sick to be at home, she was in the hospital, I would go, you know, I bring her, like, a bag of cookies every day to. I bring. Do you guys know Tate's cookies? It's the best cookie. If you know them, they're the best. I only mention it in the podcast I'm hoping for, you know, something will happen. No, no, but they're the best cookies. No, they are. And So I bring them. And every, you know, I would just let her eat as many. You know, we just eat as many as we could. Because I knew no matter how sick she got, you know, as long as she could eat cookies, like, she was still my mom. Like, that's still, you know, even if she can barely talk, as long as she's, like, throwing down with the cookies, I'm like, that's totally her. So, you know, the doctors would be like, no, you can, you know, just give her, like one cookie a day. That's cool. But I was, you know, I was like, well, is the cookie is going to make her sick? They're going to kill her? And they'd be like, no, no, the cancer's got that covered. It just, you know, probably, you know, that's not. I guess even when you're dying, you shouldn't eat too many cookies. I disagree. So. So, you know, we would just eat as many cookies as we could. And one of the last times, you know, I spent with her, I was in the hospital with her, and I was getting late and the rest of my family had gone home, and I was helping her eat her hospital food, just like whatever steamed bullshit they bring you. And then I was like, oh, it's cookie time. And we break out the cookies and we're eating. We're eating these cookies and everything. And as we're sitting there, like, I'm like, oh. Like, you know, we're just, you know, she can barely talk at this point. And. And I realized, like, oh, my God, like, this is like, I've spent my whole life being like, what's her problem? Why didn't she get me? Why? She, like, always worried about what I'm doing. And then I hit me. I'm like, like, she never had a problem with me. She was always proud of me. Like, this is like my own hang up. Like, she doesn't give a. Like she just wants to hang on, eat cookies. Cookies with me. And like. And then I was like, that's what this is. Like, life is pretty much about just kind of hanging out with people you love and you can cook. Doesn't have to be cookies, but. And then, so, you know, it was getting late and she was ready to conk out and everything. And so I was like, I'll put the cookies away. And I'm putting my coat on. And, you know, I look at her and, you know, I say, oh, mom, you know, are you sick of me? And she says, you. Yeah, I'm sick of you. And then, you know, she sort of looks at me when the most sort of perfect timing. Then she just smiles a little bit and says, I love you. And those ended up. You know, I couldn't have planned this in a million years and. Or anything like that. But the cookies that night ended up being the last thing she ever ate. And those, you know, those words were the last words she ever said to me. And it just, you know, I realized, like, sometimes in the darkest moment you can just, you know, bright light will just blind the fuck out of you. So I was like, holy shit. Anyway, call your mother. Thank you.
- [37:40]
Unnamed Speaker 7
More to hear you knocking at my door. Cause if I could see your face once more I could die a happy man I'm sure when you said you your last goodbye I died a little bit inside I lay in tears in bed all night alone without you by my side but if you love loved me why would you leave me? Take my body Take my body All I want is and all I need is to find somebody I find somebody.
- [39:01]
Unnamed Speaker 2
Like you and that is all for this episode. This is a song called All I Want by Codaline. Behind me now. And that was Dave Hill at the Risk live show in New York with the story he calls Bunny. Folks, today's the day. Take a risk.
- [39:24]
Unnamed Speaker 7
If you left me, why'd you leave me? Take my body Take my body All I want is and all I need is to find Find somebody I'll find somebody like you.
- [40:06]
Unnamed Speaker 1
Call your mother.