Unnamed Speaker 1 (25:31)
And then once I thought that I was like, well, you know, I jumped to the next logical conclusion that she could definitely see me all the time. Like, no matter what I did. And as soon as you start thinking like that, I was like, my mom can see Me. And I was like, oh, my God, I do so much fucked up stuff. Like, pretty much everything I do is so fucked up all the time. And then I had to lay down some ground rules with my mom, and I was like, mom, you can't, you know, be checking out everything. Like, no, you can't go in the bathroom. Aside from, like, the obvious stuff that goes on in there. Like, the gross stuff. Like, I have so many moisturizers and just, like, embarrassed. Just stuff straight men should not have. Like, And I'm like, I don't. This woman does not need to know about that. And then I live in a studio apartment, so, like, my bed takes up, like, half the place. And I'm like, all right, so if I'm in bed, she can't. She can't be seeing that. Like, not that I'm like, just hanging and banging. I mean, I do all right. I do fine. I do great. But, you know, like, you know, like, pull my boxers off in the middle of the night. It's just weird to have my ass hanging. Just stuff my mom shouldn't have to see, you know? And then the rest of my apartment is pretty much my desk, and that's where my computer is. So. No, you can't, you know, when I'm on my computer, she wouldn't understand the research that I do. So I was like, you can't. Can't. Okay. No bathroom, no bed. No, no, no. Whenever I'm at my desk, so it pretty much leaves. Like, she can see me, like, putting on my shoes and, like, making spaghetti. And that stuff's adorable, don't get me wrong. But, like, I feel like my mom deserved more than that. So it's like. So it's just like another thing I'm really frustrated about after she died. And then, you know, so she's gone and. But my dad is still around. So as soon as my mom was gone, I was like, I have to really make the most of my time with my dad. Like, I can spend. You know, I miss my mom, but I can spend time with my dad. So I'm like, really trying to up the ante on hanging out with him. And so, you know, we usually just hang out and drink coffee of various strengths and things and chat and then we'll go out to eat. And, like, when my mom was alive, it'd always be like, she wouldn't want to go out to eat. She'd be like, let's just. Just stay home. We'll boil something. But my dad, like, I can just be like, let's go out to eat and be like, yeah. Fuck, yeah. He doesn't swear. He's a gentleman. But anyway, so we'd go out in my whole life, when we would go out to eat, like, it would never be, like, never being concerned that I would actually pay for any of it. But somewhere along the line, as soon as my mom got sick with cancer a couple years ago, right around then, we would go out to eat. And, you know, like, in my 20s, I started to do where you, like, reach for your wallet. Like. Like, right. Like my dad be like, well, that's adorable. Like, you would. Might actually, like, I knew I had no money, but I would be like, oh, it's sweet that you pretended. And. But then I remember we were out to dinner, and the check came, and I'm just sort of like, do that thing, dad. And he. And I. So I took my wallet out to see what would happen, and I'm waiting for him just like, oh, no, I got this one. And he didn't. And just to test him, I was like, let me get this one. And he's like, oh, okay. And I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? And I totally end up paying for dinner. I'm like, well, that was just a fluke. We go out again, and I pay for again. It happens, you know, over and over, and I start to worry, and I call my siblings. I'm just like, oh, my God. Like, you know, dad's. You know, mom's dying, and. And, you know, he's going broke. Like, he can't even pay for Chinese food now. Like, what's going on? Like, is he okay? And my. You know, talk to my brother, and he's like, yeah, he's fine. Like, that guy's loaded. He could live, like, another 50 years. And he's got a ton of money. So I was like, God, this is even worse than I expected. Like. Like, I realized the only reason he could live possibly be letting me pay for dinner was to, like, show me some sort of respect or something. Like, he's like, I have, son. I know you're a grown man who can pay for PF Changs now. And I was like, that's what this is about, Dad. I do not need this kind of respect from you. So needless to. So my mom's dead, and my dad is bleeding me dry. So I'm like, oh, it's like I'm getting, like, really depressed. And I. And I was trying everything. It's, like, drinking a lot, prescriptions, therapy, everything. And the one thing that worked was running. And it's the most embarrassing. The worst. I hate run. It's the fucking worst. Does anyone run here? No. It's horrible, right? I mean, everything. I hate the time that it takes. I hate the outfit. I hate the running part is the worst. Where you actually. That's so bad. And even worse is, like, the other runners, when you're running along and they see you from far away, and they're like, hey, we're both running. Fuck you. Like, they're miserable. I don't want to connect with you. So, anyway, shortly after my mom died, I'm, like, out running in Cleveland, where I'm from, and. Thank you. And it's freezing out. And I was, like, running so far, and, like, it's getting, like. And it's dead of winter, and I start to think, like, I can't. I can't feel my. My penis anymore. Like, I think I might be getting, like, my testicles had jumped up into my body, like, long ago during the run. And, like, my. I was like, oh, man. Like, my penis is just this little nub of cashew, like, nub just frozen. I was like, I think I might get frostbite in my penis. I don't want this to happen. You know, I start to panic, and I'm too far from home to just turn it around. So I start, like, fluffing myself, you know, as I'm running. And then I start to think, like, who can see me, like, right now? Like, what's going on? You know, Like. Like people. I'm assuming people are, like, looking out the front window or like, cars, so come up with this, like, mathematical equation, like, how many. You know, every 30 seconds or so, I can really try to revive my genitals. And, you know, I'm like, this is about survival. And so I didn't want anyone to really see that I was basically masturbating running down a main road in Cleveland. But then it occurred to me, like, the one person that could see all of it was my mother. And I was like, oh, fuck, Mom. You have a tough choice to make right now, because, you know, like, whether you want, you know, your son to be masturbating publicly on the streets of your hometown, or you want me to, like, have it be awkward every time I go in the showers the rest of my life or whatever. So I'm like, mom, you gotta let me have this one. I think I'd like to think she said yes. But anyways, aside from all that, you know, the bigger Thing is that I just miss her. Like, you know, you. I sort of wish death came with this sort of exit interview where you could, like, kind of talk it over. Like, I just want my mom to know that everything's okay. And, like, I'm not gonna become a call girl unless I want or whatever, you know, I just didn't want her to work. So my whole life, I always did all this stuff, you know, writing and comedy and music and just stuff that doesn't guarantee, stuff that makes parents worry, you know? And, like, I just wanted, like, I want my mom to get it, and I want her to be proud of me. And, you know, I spent my whole life, especially my adult life, just being really frustrated. Like, what's her problem? You know? And I remember when I was like, 15, sneaking down in the kitchen, like, in the middle of the night and to bake cookies. And then, like, the door, it's like midnight, and my mom like, oh, shit, like, I'm busted, like, making cookies. And she was like, no, no, we're cool. And it was. She was just like, basically, you give me some cookies and I won't tell anyone else in the house there's cookies. So I'm like, all right, shut the fucking door. She. I could swear in front of her. And so we're sitting down and we're chatting, just, you know, mostly cookie talk, like, how good they are, like, right when they're out of the oven and how good they are. Or like, after a while, like a little burn, not quite cooked, you know, like, cookie talk. And. And as we're talking, like, I realized I'm like, holy shit. Like, this lady isn't just my mom. She's like, a person. And, like, I think we might even be friends. Like, oh, this is so gross. But, like, you know, I realized things would never be the same. Like, we were, you know, we had always been friends. We'd be friends for life. And it was like, you know, kind of a nice realization. But, you know, for a 15 year old, it's a bit horrifying. And in the last few months of my mom's life, when she was too sick to be at home, she was in the hospital, I would go, you know, I bring her, like, a bag of cookies every day to. I bring. Do you guys know Tate's cookies? It's the best cookie. If you know them, they're the best. I only mention it in the podcast I'm hoping for, you know, something will happen. No, no, but they're the best cookies. No, they are. And So I bring them. And every, you know, I would just let her eat as many. You know, we just eat as many as we could. Because I knew no matter how sick she got, you know, as long as she could eat cookies, like, she was still my mom. Like, that's still, you know, even if she can barely talk, as long as she's, like, throwing down with the cookies, I'm like, that's totally her. So, you know, the doctors would be like, no, you can, you know, just give her, like one cookie a day. That's cool. But I was, you know, I was like, well, is the cookie is going to make her sick? They're going to kill her? And they'd be like, no, no, the cancer's got that covered. It just, you know, probably, you know, that's not. I guess even when you're dying, you shouldn't eat too many cookies. I disagree. So. So, you know, we would just eat as many cookies as we could. And one of the last times, you know, I spent with her, I was in the hospital with her, and I was getting late and the rest of my family had gone home, and I was helping her eat her hospital food, just like whatever steamed bullshit they bring you. And then I was like, oh, it's cookie time. And we break out the cookies and we're eating. We're eating these cookies and everything. And as we're sitting there, like, I'm like, oh. Like, you know, we're just, you know, she can barely talk at this point. And. And I realized, like, oh, my God, like, this is like, I've spent my whole life being like, what's her problem? Why didn't she get me? Why? She, like, always worried about what I'm doing. And then I hit me. I'm like, like, she never had a problem with me. She was always proud of me. Like, this is like my own hang up. Like, she doesn't give a. Like she just wants to hang on, eat cookies. Cookies with me. And like. And then I was like, that's what this is. Like, life is pretty much about just kind of hanging out with people you love and you can cook. Doesn't have to be cookies, but. And then, so, you know, it was getting late and she was ready to conk out and everything. And so I was like, I'll put the cookies away. And I'm putting my coat on. And, you know, I look at her and, you know, I say, oh, mom, you know, are you sick of me? And she says, you. Yeah, I'm sick of you. And then, you know, she sort of looks at me when the most sort of perfect timing. Then she just smiles a little bit and says, I love you. And those ended up. You know, I couldn't have planned this in a million years and. Or anything like that. But the cookies that night ended up being the last thing she ever ate. And those, you know, those words were the last words she ever said to me. And it just, you know, I realized, like, sometimes in the darkest moment you can just, you know, bright light will just blind the fuck out of you. So I was like, holy shit. Anyway, call your mother. Thank you.
