Vagina Vagina Vagina!

Summary

RISK! – "Vagina Vagina Vagina!" (July 2, 2026)

Episode Overview

This episode of RISK! (originally aired in March 2014) is a wild, unfiltered, and heartfelt deep dive into stories about vaginas—sexual awakening, self-acceptance, and, yes, unforgettable anatomy-related misadventures. Host Kevin Allison presents three true tales from Josh Healy, Amy Salloway, and Elna Baker. Each story explores vulnerability, sexuality, shame, empowerment, and hilarity, all delivered with RISK!’s characteristic candor and irreverence.

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Key Discussion Points & Story Summaries

1. Kevin Allison Introduces “Vagina Vagina Vagina!”

• [03:54] Kevin explains the episode title’s origins and his amusement at the preponderance of vagina-centric stories in early seasons.
  • Quote: “We find ourselves knee deep in vagina all over again. Or maybe up to our forearms.” –Kevin Allison

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2. Josh Healy: "Opp" (Co-Ed Vagina Monologues)

• [05:36–14:39]
• Theme: Adolescent innocence meets feminist awakening, as Josh recounts trying to stage a co-ed version of "The Vagina Monologues" in high school.
• Story Highlights:
  • High school drama co-president Josh is infatuated with Sofia, who proposes their drama club's spring play be “The Vagina Monologues”—but co-ed.
  • The cast comprises equal numbers of girls and totally confused boys, each assigned monologues about seminal women’s experiences (periods, birth, rape, “My Angry Vagina”).
  • Josh faces ridicule from his male peers (“You get fitted for your panties yet?” [09:23]), and pushback from local feminists who object to men speaking women’s truths.
  • A dramatic cast meeting results in only women performing. Josh resigns as co-president, accepts his role as audience, and acknowledges Sophia’s righteous conviction as performer.
  • Memorable Quote:
    “In that look, in that one look, I saw more than just anger. I saw strength. I saw conviction. I saw a fierce female power that I knew I could only imagine.” –Josh Healy [13:38]
• Emotional Arc: Funny and self-effacing, the story captures the awkward intersection of allyship, privilege, and learning when to step aside.

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3. Amy Salloway: "New Fatitudes & the Lesbian Orgy"

• [19:12–41:38]
• Theme: Body image, radical acceptance, and unexpected sexual exploration at a fat activist conference.
• Story Highlights:
  • Amy, deeply insecure about her weight and sexuality, attends a fat activism conference at a hotel where she’s swept into a world of unapologetic body positivity.
  • Fascinated by the camaraderie and sex-positivity, she’s invited to a hotel room for an orgy with charismatic Simone (“the hub of an open marriage in Vancouver”—[21:58]), her partner, and a cast of exuberant women.
  • Memorable Moments:
    • The “talking dildo” is passed around the circle as an opening icebreaker [32:10].
    • Eyeliner is used to write names on bodies: “...in a dark hotel room, it's hard to tell one naked fat lady from another.” [32:48]
    • Site A and Site B groupings, “rotation” called out—“Lesbians are very organized.” [33:26]
    • Amy’s disorienting “team of office temps...assembling a mass mailing in my vagina” [35:19]—blending comedy and vulnerability.
    • Simultaneous orgasm and migraine. Spanking lessons with vampire fangs. (“Spanking is all about taking advantage of the laws of physics.” [40:15])
  • The experience leaves Amy more empowered, realizing the real gift was feeling sexy and seen, not just sexual.
  • Memorable Quote:
    “What I want is to store up what it felt like to be worth licking and plugging. To be seen as sexy and desirable.” –Amy Salloway [39:52] “It’s a moment by moment thing, but I know I have a strong toolkit inside me to help me out. And I probably have an orgy of lesbians to thank for helping me find it.” [41:25]
• Emotional Arc: Hilarious, moving, and explicit—a story about moving beyond shame into self-acceptance, with unforgettable characters and details.

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4. Awkwafina: "My Vag" (Musical Interlude)

• [41:38–42:46]
• Theme: Raunchy, triumphant battle rap celebrating vaginas—mixing comic boasts and comparisons.
• Notable Lyrics (selected):
  “My vag like an operatic ballad, yo vag like Grandpa’s cabbage...My vag speaks five different languages, it’s O.G.; yo vag, bitch, make me a sandwich.”
• Tone: Irreverent, sharp, and unapologetic; perfect tonal bridge between stories.

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5. Elna Baker: "Ooh, Ooh, That Smell" (Lost Tampon Misadventure)

• [43:55–59:50]
• Theme: The intersection of Hollywood ambition, body image, and a terrifyingly rank smell.
• Story Highlights:
  • Elna details years of weight struggles and career frustrations, culminating in a last-ditch, near-starvation juice fast for a major TV pitch meeting.
  • Her boyfriend takes her to Esalen for “relaxation” (i.e., unexpected nudity at hippie sulfur baths).
  • Stripped naked with LA’s beautiful people, re-triggered body insecurities wash over her, leading to emotional flashbacks.
  • Post-bath, a “rotten egg” smell emerges and she obsesses that it’s coming from her vagina—no matter what her boyfriend says.
  • Attempts every over-the-counter solution: “There was a vagina that swallowed a douche. Oh, what? They used to swallow a douche, it swallowed the douche...” [53:31]
  • On pitch day, convinced the NBC execs can smell her (“He’s wondering what that smell is. He knows it’s my vagina. The whole room was like, what is the smell? Right?” [56:03]), she gets through the meeting, but nothing works.
  • Climax: Self-examination finally reveals the problem: a lost (!) tampon, “baby leg, baby leg!” [57:30], thoroughly decomposed and the source of the stench and suffering.
  • Boyfriend admits he knew but feigned ignorance so she wouldn’t stress. “I do think that was the greatest gesture of love anyone has ever given anyone in all time.” [59:24]
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “It was like, I don't know if you're ready for this...I pulled my hand out. So I was like, oh, baby leg, baby leg. I touched a baby leg. Oh my god!” –Elna Baker [57:30]
  • “If there's a part of me that doesn't want to make it, it's my vagina.” [59:50]
• Emotional Arc: Laugh-out-loud embarrassment entwined with poignant insight about how deep-seated insecurity can manifest—and how sometimes, relief is just one deep dive (and extraction) away.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• “If we want to have good men later on, we need to have good boys now.” –Sophia, via Josh Healy [08:49]
• “My vagina is angry. It’s pissed off. My vagina is furious and it needs to talk.” –Sophia Feingold, performed by Josh Healy [14:01]
• “I want to be impaled on a spit and carved down like that. I want someone to carve away this body until all that’s left is the person I feel like I am inside.” –Amy Salloway [20:01]
• “What I want is to store up what it felt like to be worth licking and plugging.” –Amy Salloway [39:52]
• “I used to weigh 110 pounds more than I do now. So when I don’t have clothes on, I have extra skin. And I have a scar completely across my body front to back from when they took some of the extra skin off.” –Elna Baker [48:35]
• Song lyric: “My vag like an operatic ballad, yo vag like Grandpa's cabbage...” –Awkwafina [41:38]
• “It smelled like there was a homeless man in my vagina. Which technically means he’s no longer homeless.” –Elna Baker [53:06]
• “Oh, thank god your pussy smells so bad. I had to go down on that.” –Elna’s boyfriend, quoted by Elna [59:08]
• “If there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to make it, it’s my vagina.” –Elna Baker [59:50]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Intro, Episode Framing: [02:04–03:54]
• Josh Healy, "Opp": [05:36–14:39]
• Sexual Instruction Interlude: [14:39–15:15]
• Amy Salloway, "New Fatitudes": [19:12–41:38]
• Awkwafina, "My Vag": [41:38–42:46]
• Elna Baker, "Ooh, Ooh, That Smell": [43:55–59:50]

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Tone and Takeaway

Playful, vulnerable, and bracingly honest: this is RISK! at its most unflinching and human. The stories spin comedy out of mortification, and strength out of shame. The episode is a celebration—not just of vaginas, but of imperfect, awkward bodies, our complicated relationships to them, and the surprising ways they connect us.

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For more: Visit risk-show.com or follow @riskshow for live dates, workshops, and more enthralling, gut-spilling stories.

Transcript

[Elna Baker]

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[Josh Healy]

Go easy.

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[Elna Baker]

I hit 200 on the scratcher.

[Carvana Advertiser]

Did the scratcher come to your house and hand you a check?

[Kevin Allison]

No.

[Carvana Advertiser]

How many scratchers did you hit to get that? I hit a button on Carvana.com once.

[Elna Baker]

Okay, that's fair.

[Carvana Advertiser]

It's like the lottery, except you always win.

[Amy Salloway]

Not like the lottery at all actually.

[Carvana Advertiser]

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[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Kevin Allison]

Hey folks, this is a Risk the show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes where we look back at content from our earlier years. One of the storytellers on this episode said, oh golly, I haven't listened to this story again since it first aired. Are you going to include that disclaimer about how people should remember this episode was recorded when dinosaurs still roamed the earth. So there you go. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare to hear content from the Jurassic era. This one premiered in March of 2014. It's an episode we call Vagina, Vagina, Vagina.

Hey, folks, this is Kevin. On this episode, you'll hear Elna Baker.

[Elna Baker]

It smelled like there was a homeless man in my vagina. Which technically means he's no longer homeless. Guys.

[Kevin Allison]

Now here's the show.

Hello, kids. This is Risk. The show where people tell true stories they never thought they'd dare to share. I'm Kevin Allison and this is Daca Braca behind me now. And we're calling this week's episode Vagina, Vagina, Vagina. If you've been listening for a while, you've probably heard me joke around about the fact that in the first month and a half or so that Risk existed, we had so many pitches that kind of centered around a vagina that I used to joke, oh, we should have just called the series Vagina, Vagina, Vagina. Well, this week we find ourselves knee deep in vagina all over again. Or maybe up to our forearms. But these are three very different stories from three very wonderful contributors. In just a bit, we're going to hear from a very die hard Risk fan, Ms. Amy Salloway. She is a writer, performer and arts educator from Minneapolis. But before that, the award winning writer and performer, Mr. Josh Healy, who you can find at Josh Healy.org he visited me in New York recently and shared this one. So without further ado, here is Josh Healy with a story we call opp.

[Josh Healy]

When I was in high school, I was co president of my school's drama club and I loved it. I loved the costumes. I loved all 11 people who came to our shows. And most of all, I loved the drama club co president, Sofia Feingold. Oh, Sofia Feingold. Half Jewish, half Puerto Rican. She was the Jew Eurekan queen of my heart. Sophia was brilliant. So brilliant. She spent most our senior year taking extra classes over at the local college and she hung out a lot at the campus women's center and one day came back to school wearing this T shirt that read, this is what a feminist looks like. And I thought, wow, feminists look good. I was your average 17 year old boy, big into my Sega Genesis, still brushing up on my third wave feminist theory. Now we had to pick a show for the drama club spring play and Sophia Told me she had this really exciting idea. She said, josh, there's this show. It's blowing up at all the colleges around the country. I really think we should do it. It's called the Vagina Monologues. I said, what? What's the show you want to do for our high school senior year spring play? She said, josh, you're gonna love it. It's all about celebrating women's voices, our struggles, our stories. Now, normally it's an all female cast, but we're not gonna do it the normal way. I said, we're not?

[Kevin Allison]

How are we gonna do it?

[Josh Healy]

She said, we are gonna put on the first ever CO Edition Vagina Monologues. And, Josh, I've got the perfect monologue for you. It's called My Angry Vagina. I said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That sounds like a pretty major role. I'm not sure I've, you know, got what it takes, Sophia. But she said, if any guy can do it, Josh, you can. And I wasn't sure if I was supposed to take that as a compliment, but Sofia Feingold was smiling at me. So I was like, okay. I mean, of course I'll do it. I mean, you know, anything for the drama club, right? But in my head, I was like, could I really pull this off? My Angry Vagina? I was gonna have to do some. I went right to the record store, bought every Ani DiFranco album I could, listened to them joints all weekend. Ani was actually surprisingly banging. And when I walked into the first day of rehearsal, I saw the rest of the cast. Four girls and four very excited, totally confused guys. Each of us with our own monologue on a different issue. A girl's first period, a woman giving birth, a woman being raped. And of course, my monologue, which was a rant against the oppression of tampons and douches and every OBGYN tool that could really piss a woman off. This was definitely going to be an educational experience. There were some other people, though, who didn't see it quite that way. Like every guy on my soccer team who every day at practice would ask me such insightful questions as, hey, Josh, how's that play going? You get fitted for your panties yet? And I was like, no. What are you even talking about? We don't get our costumes till next week. Meanwhile, Sophia's feminist friends, they weren't too happy either. Their complaint was a little more serious. This one woman came by from the college to tell us, hey, what's going on here? This is supposed to be The Vagina Monologues. What are all these guys doing here? This play is about women speaking in our own voices. Which seemed like a decent point to me. But Sophia said, hey, if we want to have good men later on, we need to have good boys now. Which also seemed like a good point, especially when she looked over in my direction and winked. So the show was on and buzz was building and tickets were almost sold out. And then one day, the rest of the cast called Sophia and me in for a meeting. One of the girls said, look, we've been talking. Maybe those college girls were right. I mean, this co ed idea, it's really fun and all, but these are some serious women's issues. We should be the ones speaking on them. Sophia did not agree. She did not like anyone questioning her artistic political vision. She was furious. She said, so what? So you're all just gonna back out? And one of the guys said, no, no, no, no, just the fellas. I mean, we'll be at the show, but in the audience. And I'm like, this is crazy. The feminist director is being out feministed by the cast. What would Ani DiFranco say? I knew what Sofia would say. She was like, well, thank you, everyone for all your wonderful creative input. But as co president of this here drama club, this is how we're going to do the show, Right, Josh? And she looked over at me and everyone looked at me, waiting for me to say something, do something, be something. I wanted to be a good man, but I was only 17. And I looked over at Sophia, then walked over and joined the rest of the cast. I said, I'm sorry, Sophia. I mean, I learned a lot from doing this play, but if we did it like this, I think the angry vagina would be freaking furious. Sophia didn't say a word. She just stormed off. And I resigned as co president of the drama club. One month later, I walked back into the theater for the big premiere. The place was packed. Even the soccer team was there. The lights went down, the curtain went up. And after the first performer finished her monologue, every girl in the crowd was on her feet, cheering. Every guy in the crowd was fidgeting uncomfortably in his seat. Every parent in the crowd was wishing we'd just done Hamlet again. And then came the monologue I'd been waiting for, the one that I knew all the lines to. And out to play the part stepped Sofia Feingold. Sofia walked out into the middle of the stage. She looked out into the crowd, and then through all the faces in the auditorium, she looked Right at me. It felt like we were the only two people in the room. And in that look, in that one look, I saw more than just anger. I saw strength. I saw conviction. I saw a fierce female power that I knew I could only imagine. And I realized the queen had come to claim her throne. Sophia was the right person for the part, and she knew it. And I sat there and I was like, that is my co president up there. This was her moment, her role up there on the stage, mine here in the audience. I had been in the drama club for four years, and it was all leading up to this. And Sofia Feingold took a step forward and said in the loudest, proudest voice I'd ever heard, my vagina is angry. It's pissed off. My vagina is furious and it needs to talk.

[Unidentified Storyteller (Sexual Instruction)]

You got a slow suck, and as you sucking, you gotta lick. You gotta lick like you never licked. And you lick that like you licking a lollipop. Like your favorite lollipop and you ain't have it for like six years. Lick that shit like you licking that. But while you licking, also suck, keep sucking, blow. Start blowing, blowing, blowing as you suck. Lick, lick, lick, blow, lick, lick, lick. And if you have to, add a finger. If it starts to get a little wild, add a finger. One finger usually does it for me. One finger. You got one hand on the titty, one finger on my coochie, and you sucking on my clitoris. That's what does it. That's usually what does it.

[Kevin Allison]

Folks, if you love Risk and this episode is so, like, indicative of what we do, this episode shows how special Risk really is. So one way you can support us for free is by writing us reviews and giving us five star ratings on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, podchaser. Those reviews make a difference, so give us a big thumbs up out there. Thanks so much.

[Benjamin Boster]

Welcome to the I Can't Sleep podcast with Benjamin Boster. If you're tired of sleepless nights, you'll love the I Can't Sleep podcast. I help quiet your mind by reading random articles from across the web to bore you to sleep with my soothing voice. Each episode provides enough interesting content to hold your attention, and then your mind lets you drift off. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. That's I Can't Sleep with Benjamin Boster.

[Kevin Allison]

Hey, folks, have you ever wondered what you should do if you run into a bear while hiking? Or maybe you want to know about a single leopard that killed over a hundred people in India? If you've got thoughts like these, do I have a show for you. Tooth and Claw is a storytelling podcast that takes listeners through tales of hair raising and often violent encounters with wildlife, as well as the often very human reasons behind the attacks. Story topics cover everything from a black bear rampaging through a hot springs and leaving two people dead in its wake to the unbelievable story of the survivors of the USS Indianapolis and their four day battle with hungry sharks. The best part is that it's led by a wildlife biologist, an animal behavior expert, and his analysis of these stories might just help you avoid a similar encounter. A good starting point is the recent episode the Twisted Tale of Travis the Chimpanzee. It's a chilling story of a depressed chimpanzee who took his anger out on an unsuspecting woman and changed her life forever. Listen to Tooth and Claw today and get better informed. Before you venture out into the great outdoors, just search Tooth and Claw on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Sleepy Podcast Narrator]

Hey, do you have trouble sleeping? Then maybe you should check out the Sleepy Podcast. It's a show where I read old books in the public domain to help you get to sleep. It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. It was the age of wisdom. Classic stories like A Tale of Two Cities, Pride and Prejudice, Winnie the Pooh. Stories that are great for kids and adults alike. So whether you have a tough time snoozing or just like a good bedtime story, fluff up the cool side of your pillow and tune into Sleepy. Unless you're driving, then please don't listen to Sleepy. Find Sleepy wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Sunday. Sweet dreams.

[Amy Salloway]

I'm sitting on the bed in a hotel room in Bothell, Washington. My boyfriend David is back home in our apartment in Seattle, probably wearing an organic cotton Henley shirt and stirring a pot of lentils. I am smoothing the bedspread of this bed over and over. It has a pattern of pheasants frolicking. I'm smoothing the pheasants because I'm nervous. I have just decided to be a lesbian. Not full time, just for this weekend. This all started because I'd thrown my back out. I thought I'd try to get a massage, which was something that I almost never did because I'm big. The kind of big that grew up being called fatty and tubbo and lardass and whale. And it's always been made clear to me that no one should be required to so much as look at my body, much less touch it. So I've made it a Goal to not inflict it on anyone. But my back hurt a lot. So I called an ad that I saw in the Seattle Weekly for a female massage therapist and I took the bus to her house in she looked at me standing there on her porch and her face kind of froze. She said, oh, oh, I'm sorry, I don't think I'm going to be able to penetrate through all your layers of fat to have any measurable effect on the muscles underneath. I apologize. I just started crying and I ran away from her house, just ran back to the bus stop, which was right in front of PETA Palace. I pressed my face up to the window and watched that cylinder of lamb rotate on the vertical spike while the guy behind the counter carved strips of it away for Euros. And I just thought, ugh, I want to be impaled on a spit and carved down like that. I want someone to carve away this body until all of its light left is the person I feel like I am inside. I want to be the gyros. Why can't I be the gyros? David tried to help. He hugged me and mumbled, no, you're not gyros. I don't want you to be gyros. But he's a mountain biker the size of a pencil, so his understanding is limited. And the next day I saw my therapist who also stated that she didn't want me to be euros. And she said, amy, have you heard of the size acceptance movement? Amy, you need to meet some fat activists. She hands me a lavender flyer that says New Fatitudes and there's a little illustration of a naked fat lady hugging the space needle. And the flyer says that New Fatitudes is a weekend long conference of workshops, presentations and resources for women of size working to end weight based discrimination and to create radical acceptance and inclusivity for all bodies. And I go. In the lobby of the Ramada Inn. There have got to be 200 women and they are every kind of big, big and granola, big and tattooed and big and in black lace up corsets, like the woman at the welcome table who reaches across and hugs me. And even in that quick moment, I get to feel that amazing contrast between her soft jiggly bosom and the rigid tin can holding it up. And then she points to the nametags and there's Amy, which looks so small and whiny next to tags that say Indigo and Zimbabwe and Jacks with two X's. But I pin it on and I just stand there for a second watching all These women reuniting with each other. There are a lot of really short haircuts, a lot of unshaved legs and Birkenstocks and combat boots and the smell of leather and patchouli is in the air. And I think, oh shit, what if this is just for lesbians? Did I miss that on the flyer? The workshops are awesome. I go to confronting fatphobia at the office, teaching your child healthy self esteem, which I figure will be useful in all the youth theater that I do. There are also some workshops that I hadn't expected, like S and M from A to Z, which somehow I'm swept up by a hallway crowd into going to. At one point, I'm watching the instructor demonstrate safe flogging techniques on a 40ish computer programmer named Marnie, who's giggling adorably and I realize that I'm not concentrating at all. What I'm doing is watching the women around me. I'm probably even staring at how much they smile and how relaxed they seem. I mean, I'm like testing out the nipple clamps with everyone else. And I go to voluptuous verse and write the fat haikus, my abdomen rolling field for dancing lipids. We all deserve love. And through all of this in my head I'm spinning into a blur because I know that I'm a fake. I don't love my body. I don't believe I'm beautiful and I barely have sex and I am so not a lesbian. But now I wish I was. I wish I was a hot poly bondage loving dyke person and everything else that these amazing women are because it's clear that they are. So in a community. I get now why all my geek friends go to the cons. Oh, the cons. Mini con, maxi con, mega Mars, moon monster, muffin con with the costumes and the theme rooms. They go because that is where they feel normal, where they get to drink in the affirmation and empathy that for a brief moment lets them say fuck you to the stupid, hurtful outside world and maybe take some of that fuck you back home with them. I want that feeling. This hotel has a hot tub and I go down to check it out. I don't own a swimsuit, so I wear a sports bra and lycra shorts and a tank top. What I find in the tub are a dozen naked fat women bobbing about like matzo balls in a huge vat of soup. I recognized two of the matzo balls from the S and M workshop. These two beautiful gothy women from Canada that everybody had wanted to sit near because they seemed so cool. And they did this cute thing where they connected their nipple rings together with a piece of chain link and it was really whimsical. And now one of them says, hey, I'm Simone and this is my partner, Dee Dee. Simone tells me that they're the hub of an open marriage in Vancouver that involves men and women and jazz musicians and circus clowns. And she has an 8 year old daughter that she gave birth to when she was a homeless teen. But that's okay, because now she runs a theater company for homeless teens. And it might be the heat of the tub and the chlorine fumes, but I get this total girl crush on Simone. Matzo balls come and go and time gets sort of loose and mushy and at one point, Simone and Dee Dee and Jax with two exes, are all making out and Simone stops and says, we're gonna have a little gathering in our hotel room tonight. The three of us plus some others. Oh, that's great, I say, picturing some wine and Ritz crackers and Cheez Whiz. And Simone kind of laughs and runs her hand through her wet hair and I get it. That's not the kind of gathering she means. I know what she means. I don't plan to say this, I swear. It just sort of falls out of my mouth. I say, can I come? And Simone says, but Amy, I thought you were stra. Yeah, usually. But maybe just not this weekend. Amy, you are so brave. You do know, don't you, that it's every lesbian's fantasy to deflower a straight woman? And I did not know this, but now I do. Simone will pick me up at my room at 10 that night. So it's 9:53 and I'm sitting on my hotel bed, smoothing those pheasants. In my head, I run through the various sexual acts that might be required of me this evening. Oh, I've never done that. Nor. Nor that. Oh, God. Nor any semblance of that. Oh, God, Simone, Dee Dee, Jax, whoever else is there, they are so gonna laugh at me. They're gonna touch me and know right away with their heightened awareness how inexperienced I am, how late I lost my virginity, how little I've done, how even now I live in a relationship that confuses me so much with a boyfriend who will catch me looking in the mirror and punching my stomach and thighs because I feel so ugly and will always gently take my fists in his hands and say, no, no, stop that. And yet who'll Turn away from the same body in bed who will do to it only what he absolutely has to. Always under the covers. Always in the dark. It's taken me a long time to get up the courage to believe it might be okay to want to experiment a little. And I only just recently started bringing up some of my desires. The very simplest ones. David, would you ever wanna. Do you think maybe we could. But the answer to all my ideas has been no. It's not that I don't love you. It's just. Let's just leave things the way they are, okay? And I'd feel myself making my hands into fists again, right back to where I started. I don't know what one wears to a group sex party, so I have on a lacy camisole and a pair of men's boxer briefs, trying to cover all the bases. And now they're soaked with sweat. And that's when I hear Simone knock on my door. Room 308's brass eagle lamps are turned down to a romantically dim glow. Simone leads me in and ditches her lingerie, so I do, too, because I guess that's what you do. And we join the other women, eight of us, all naked, sitting in a circle on the floor around a center pile of toys and lube and rubber gloves. Then Simone reaches into the pile and pulls out a very pink penile object and holds it at heart level. She closes her eyes and takes a cleansing breath and says, welcome, women. I'm going to pass around the talking dildo. When it gets to you, please tell us a little bit about what you're looking for from this experience, what your limitations are, and also whether you have any special needs we should know about. And the dildo moves around the circle to Jax, who's like, I'm about to start my period at any minute, so if anyone plans on going down on me, which would be awesome, just, you know, surf the Red Tide, baby. And Basha, who tells us I have uterine fibroids and they're making it really hard for me to stay vagina positive.

[Sleepy Podcast Narrator]

Positive.

[Amy Salloway]

And Sandra, who brought along her vampire fangs in case any of us would like to be bitten. When the talking dildo gets to me, I totally freak out like a spaz. Hi, I'm Amy. I'm a Pisces. I live here in Seattle. I'm the accounts payable person for a company that does objective medical exams for insurance claims. But that's just to support my acting. Acting career. And, oh, no special needs. Simone concludes, that seems like the general Consensus is touching's in orals on a case by case basis and we draw the line at anal sex and fisting. Does that sound pretty accurate? Everyone nods. Now, if anyone has an issue come up during this evening, please raise your voice and raise your hand and we will stop and help you process. We've got eight people here. That's a lot. So the bed here will be site A. The fold out couch will be site B. I'd like half of us to start at site A and half to start at site B. And after we've had some time in those groupings, I will call out rotate. Which will be your cue to mix it up and change places. Lesbians are very organized. We're each given a black eyeliner to write our names somewhere on our bodies because, as Simone points out, in a dark hotel room, it's hard to tell one naked fat lady from another. We're dispersed to site A and site B. I'm at site B with Simone, which I'm pretty excited about because she seems to know her way around this straight woman deflowering thing. And with Anna, who has thick glasses and for sure seems like she also goes to Mega Mini Monster Con. The five women at site A sit on the bed staring at us over at site B. We at site B stare back at site A. Heather at site A finally speaks up. How do we start this thing? Well, I am nothing if not goal oriented. So I kiss Simone, she tips me down on the sofa bed and Anna lays down on the other side of me. A soft chorus of oh rises from site A as we three site B folks form what I gather must be a lovely tableau. And there's more kissing. And there are hands that start moving slowly south on my body. I raise my head up for a second and stick. See that all of site A is still staring at me, watching you guys. You're supposed to be getting it on. Sorry, they mumble. Sorry, it's just you're so. I mean, the way you go. I shout at them. Do something. Touch each other. I no longer have any idea what's happening at site A because it's site B. Both Anna and Simone have their hands between my legs and there is a lot going on. Simone's asking, do you like this? How's that? Oh, great, I say. The truth is, it feels like a team of office temps are assembling a mass mailing in my vagina. Am I turned on? Am I turned off?

[Awkwafina]

No.

[Amy Salloway]

What I am is sort of amused and fascinated. Especially because now Anna is Keeping up a commentary in my right ear of oh baby, oh baby, yeah baby, yeah baby. I never knew that actual people said oh baby, yeah baby. But you know, she's into it and she's happy, Simone's happy, and they're trying to make me happy. And I come site a applauds and then I touch Simone. Here's where I have to come out and confess that I am just unforgivably, woefully vagina ignorant. I mean, yeah, I can have an orgasm, but it took a man giving me one first before I figured out how to diy. And even then, what got me to finally touch myself was a yeast infection that was so bad, intense scratching evolved into other things. Oh God, that's so mortifying. I never looked at those parts in the mirror. I've never compared it to someone else's until now. Simone's vagina is familiar. And yet not. I'm unsure of how I should be working with the piercings, whether they have specific functions, but Simone helps out. Alright. Uh huh. You can go deeper. Yup. You can use two fingers. Awesome. Amy. I'm just gonna touch my clit while you do that. Good teamwork. But Anna starts getting jealous. She shuffles her vagina over to Simone and plunks it down next to her in a desperate cry for attention. Simone takes her other hand and multitasks. Anna is rocking back and forth like an orthodox Jew at the Western wall. Oh baby, yeah baby. Oh baby, yeah baby. Oh oh oh oh oh my grand. It turns out that about 10% of the time when Anna has an orgasm, she gets a simultaneous acute migraine headache. And it's time to stop and process. At some point we rotate. I'm relocated to site A and end up laying next to to Basha who asks me if I would mind playing with her breasts. Jax has an issue in that she really wanted to hook up with Simone. We stop and process. 2:30am Everyone has either gone back to their rooms or passed out on some piece of furniture. Except Basia, Sandra and me. And we're also nearly comatose. Except that Sandra really wants to show us just one more thing. She reaches for the nightstand and puts in her custom made removable vampire fangs and proceeds to give me and Basha a lesson in biting and spanking. Somehow I'm the one that gets flipped over with my ass in the air. And Sandra starts the demonstration. You want to alternate short sharp slaps with long hard strokes. You want to use the air current that the motion of your hand is creating. Spanking is all about taking advantage of the laws of physics. Wow. This evening has been so educational. The next day, I feel loopy. I feel carbonated. This can only be the beginning. I want more. I'm running around to all my new pals. Hey, you guys. Hey, you guys, my room tonight. Hey, we totally underutilized those sex toys. Bring your vibrators. Simone, will you go down on me later? Will you? But there's no second night of the sex party. It doesn't happen again. And I know, of course, that it's not more lesbian sex that I want. I don't care that I didn't get to try out a butt plug or lick someone's vagina. Okay, I care a little, but not all that much. What I want is to store up what it felt like to be worth licking and plugging. To be seen as sexy and desirable. I want to press my body against all those bodies and maybe coordinate with their cycles enough that I can absorb their strength and confidence. As I wait at the front window of the Ramada Inn for David to pick me up, I remember the window of PETA palace and wishing so much that I was that lamb cylinder on a spit getting carved farther and farther down. And I clutch my stomach because for the first time, I realize how horribly sad that is. I wouldn't want anyone I met at New Fatitudes to be carved down. Ever. I only want all of us to be built up to contain so much joy and so many possibilities. To show the world just by radically existing, as they say, that all bodies are valid. All bodies are worthy of respect and dignity and love. As David's car pulls up and I see his gentle, quiet face. I don't know what's gonna happen from here. And I can. I can tell you that even now, years later on any given day, I still don't know what's gonna happen. There are times when I walk down the street feeling totally at peace with my body. And other times when I hear, get out of the crosswalk, you fat bitch. And I descend into every violent wish I ever had for myself. It's a moment by moment thing, but I know I have a strong toolkit inside me to help me out. And I probably have an orgy of lesbians to thank for helping me find it.

[Awkwafina]

My veg like a operatic ballad. Yo veg like Grandpa's cabbage and my veg effortless. Yo veg post ads on Craigslist. My veg squirt aloe vera yo veg look like Tony Danza. My veg like taste in heaven, yo veg manages a 7 11, yo my vag make your girl panties cream, yo veg spreads hepatitis C. And my veggie a chrome Range Rover, yo VAG Hatchback 81 Toyota, my VAG Harvard Law School, yo vag Apex Technical My vag speak five different languages. It's ojo vag, bitch make me a sandwich, yo, my vag feel like winning the lottery, yo, shit got turned down from eharmony. My vag1 best vag yo vag1 best supporting veg. It's time that we let the world know, bitch, your vags look like Jannarino. Aquafina's a genius and her vagina is 50 times better than a penis. It's time that we let the world know, bitch. Evangel. Like Jannarino, Aquafina's a genius and her vagina is 50 times better than a penis.

[Kevin Allison]

This is Risk, and that is Awkwafina behind me. Now, I think we're just gonna have to take her word for it that her vag is 50 times better than

a penis, but she does sound like

a real authority on the subject. And just before Aquafina, we heard a story from Amy Salloway. Our last story today comes from the wonderful Elna Baker. Everyone loves when Elna tells a story on the show, and this is a pretty unforgettable one. Elna told this at the last Risk live show in New York City. Here she is now with a story we call Ooh, Ooh, that smell.

[Amy Salloway]

Okay, I'm done.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

So I'm in LA last pilot season, and I'm about to pitch a show that I would write and star in to the head of development at NBC and a bunch of executives. And this is the fourth time that I've gone out to LA and spent my own money and all of my own hope on this thing. And it's the closest I have ever gotten. And when you get really close to a dream of yours, you start to look back at all the other times that it didn't work out and wonder if there was maybe some part of you that didn't want to succeed or a part of you that self sabotages. And so my goal this time was to find that part of me and completely annihilate it. So as a woman, when you get out to LA and try to work in that side of things, I'm not stupid. I know that the best thing I could do is not write or be funny or create. It's just how I look. And, you know, I know that if I lost 30 pounds, it would be a huge game changer. And not that I haven't tried. It's just like, ladies, it's very hard to get down to your alien weight. The other thing is that I, for most of my life, I was overweight or obese. You know, semantics. At my heaviest, I was 265 pounds. And in my mid-20s, I lost, I guess, altogether it was 110 pounds. And so the thought of trying to lose 30 more, it's just too much.

[Elna Baker]

It's hard.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And the thing is, I was trying to act when I was obese. And I remember what it was like. I used to go to these auditions and they would say things like, to me, like, we're looking for someone of a different build, or you just don't match the male lead. Or my personal favorite, someone once said, this character eats less than you. Thank you. Okay.

[Elna Baker]

Or they would just give me unsolicited

[Elna Baker (continued)]

advice, like, have you thought of Pilates? Like, my biggest problem was I wasn't flexible or not.

[Elna Baker]

And so, you know, when I went

[Elna Baker (continued)]

on this diet and lost all the weight, it was like this huge life change. And yes, I got all these new opportunities, and I have more confidence. And yet when I started going out to Hollywood or, you know, meeting with agents, they would do the same version of the old thing, which is they would say, you know, tina Fey lost 30 pounds for her career. Career. And it was a big game changer and just using all these shining examples of other women that you could be if you were already them. So this time I was like, I'm not going to let this stand in my way. I'm going to try to lose 30 pounds. And so I went on this, like a juice fast without any juice for a month. And I was down, you know, 15 pounds. I'd gotten down 15 pounds. And I mean, it was the skinniest I've been. And it was hard, and I was stressed out and I was hangry. And in the midst of this, my boyfriend flew out from New York to visit me. And it was about five days before this big pitch meeting. And he saw me and he was like, you are not yourself. He's like, babe, take a break. I know this is great place. It's just up in Big Sur. It's sort of like this spa retreat. We'll go there for the weekend and you can just relax. Before the meeting, I was like, all right.

[Elna Baker]

So we went to.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

Does anyone know what Esalen is? Yeah, so not. It's.

[Elna Baker]

He pitched it so wrong.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

He called it a spa retreat. We arrive, and it says, esalen, a community experiment in mental health.

[Elna Baker]

Excuse me. I was like. I felt like a giant intervention and this, like, group therapy. And it was great, but I was like, I sort of wanted to get my nails done. I'm not gonna lie. I didn't want to talk about my mom and my life issues. So we were going to these therapy

[Elna Baker (continued)]

sessions, and then I'm like, where's the

[Elna Baker]

spa part of this whole thing?

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And he was like, wait till tonight. I'm gonna. Gonna take you to the baths. And they're famous for. They have these big saltwater sulfur baths that overlook the ocean. And so it's night, we go out there, and just as we're about to go in, he's like, oh, by the way, it's kind of a nudist thing. He's like, you're cool with that, right?

[Elna Baker]

I mean, it didn't even occur to

[Elna Baker (continued)]

him that I wouldn't be cool with that because he's an attractive person, and normally that's a good thing, but not right now. Because the truth is, I do not like to be naked in front of other people. And, you know, it's not just, like, girl issues. Like, I used to weigh 110 pounds more than I do now. So when I don't have clothes on, I have extra skin. And I have a scar completely across my body front to back from when they took some of the extra skin off. And I have scars up my legs, and I have stretch marks, and. And I don't like people to see me that way. But I was like, okay, fine. Fine. I can do this. I can do this. And we walk into this room of, like, you know, 50 people that are naked at the bass, and they're just like la yoga. They could not be more attractive. There's just, like, walking by. In fact, I, like, was. You know, I was trying to, like, be confident, cheer myself up. And I invented a song where I was like, she's got that super fly. I got that octomom body.

[Elna Baker]

I was kind of singing that to myself. I was like, you can do it, girl. You can do it, girl. It don't matter. And just trying to be like, okay, it's okay.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

It's okay.

[Elna Baker]

And I get in the bath, and they're all talking, like, the power of

[Elna Baker (continued)]

intention or the secret.

[Elna Baker]

And in my head, I'm like, yeah,

[Elna Baker (continued)]

the secret is you're attractive. You can have whatever you want.

[Elna Baker]

And, like, I reverted to the middle school version of me.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

That was just, like, super judgy of, like, making. Making faces.

[Elna Baker]

And my boyfriend turned to me. He was like, are you okay? And I was like, I'm gonna go

[Elna Baker (continued)]

to this solo bath. And so I walked over, and they had these big, like, clawfoot bathtubs. And so I just, like, plopped down in one of those sulfur things, and, like, the water was completely over me, and I just, like, was hiding. And I remember, like, my. My knee was poking up, and I could see, like, the. Just the top, like, a hump of my knee. And I suddenly had this memory. And it's funny because I was fat for most of my life, but I don't have that many memories of what my body looked like, which makes me think I just never looked down, or I just only looked there in mirrors. And then suddenly I remembered my body, and I remembered being in a bathtub. And it was like, shortly after I found out I was too big to. To get in a bathtub that was

[Elna Baker]

full of water without making the water overflow.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

So I had to sit in the

[Elna Baker]

bathtub and then fill it with water

[Elna Baker (continued)]

in case I gauged it wrong.

[Elna Baker]

Guys, the ins and outs of being fat. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? Anyway,

[Elna Baker (continued)]

so I remember I was in this bathtub, and I had filled it with water, and I was able to almost fully cover my body, except that my stomach was, like, poking up above the water. And I remember just looking at it and thinking it was like an island. And then there was, like, mini shampoo and conditioner. I put it. I was like, ah, I'm a boy. I'm meeting on the island.

[Elna Baker]

I'm a girl on the island.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And I just played on this little island. And the thing is, it wasn't a sad memory at the time, but thinking about it now, I was like. I remembered what it was like to be obese. And I really did feel like I was an island. And I worked so hard to get off that island. And yet, at the same time, I didn't want to be like those people because I felt like I owed it to her to never become that way or something. And yet, like, it didn't mean that

[Elna Baker]

those people couldn't make me feel bad about my own body. And so I was just sitting in

[Elna Baker (continued)]

this bathtub and, like, all these issues that you think that you've gotten over, like, they're just, like, coming back. And I felt like I just absorbed all these bad feelings about myself, which

[Elna Baker]

is exactly what you need before you go to a pitch meeting.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

So we get up and I say, I have to leave now. And my boyfriend and I go and we spend the night in the yurt.

[Elna Baker]

Because when in California.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And the next morning we leave to drive back down to la. And we're in the car and I'm kind of still thinking about this, and all of a sudden I'm like, you know, it's weird. It sort of still smells like the sulfur, you know, like a bad rotten egg smell of the bath. And I'm like, did I get it on some clothes? I'm, like, sniffing around. I'm like, where is that smell coming? And then all of a sudden I'm like, oh, my God, is that my vagina?

[Elna Baker]

I know. I mean, I have never smelled my own vagina.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

I mean, like, you know, if you get real close, but, like, from here

[Elna Baker]

to my face, I've never been able to smell my own vagina. And I can smell it real good.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And I say to my boyfriend, I'm like, do you smell like, do you smell that?

[Elna Baker]

Does my vagina smell right now?

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And he was like, no, no, I don't smell anything. And I was like, are you sure? And so I made him, like, drive to, like, a cvs, and I proceeded to buy, like, every single thing that

[Elna Baker]

you could put into your vagina to make it smell better.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

It was like a bad nursery rhyme. Like, there was a vagina that swallowed a douche.

[Elna Baker]

Oh, what? They used to swallow a douche, it swallowed the douche.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

When Dr. Phil told it to first swallow Vagisil, it swallowed the Vagisil. When Summers and Eve couldn't get the

[Elna Baker]

smell to leave, I just kept putting things into my vagina, hoping it would

[Elna Baker (continued)]

smell better, and it just kept smelling worse. And another day went by, and another day went by, and it was the

[Elna Baker]

day of my pitch meeting.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And I, like, I just remember I had prayed before. I was like, please wake up and be suddenly better.

[Elna Baker]

And I woke up, and even before

[Elna Baker (continued)]

I opened my eyes, I was like. Like, it was like, I'm not even joking. It's like, you know when you get in a train car and you're like, oh, there's a homeless guy in here.

[Elna Baker]

You don't even have to see them. It smelled like there was a homeless man in my room, which technically means he's no longer homeless guys. So I say to my boyfriend, I'm like, you cannot tell me I do

[Elna Baker (continued)]

not smell right now.

[Elna Baker]

It smells terrible.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And he's like, babe, you're just trying to psych yourself up. You have this big meeting you're trying to get in your own head about it. Like, you don't smell. I don't smell anything, I promise. And then as if to, like, prove his point, he's like, if it smelled,

[Elna Baker]

would I do this? And then he went down on me. And, you know, that helped me feel a little bit better.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

I was like, okay, maybe, maybe I am making this up. Why would I do this? But why would I make this up? Okay, okay, I don't smell. I don't smell. And I got dressed for the meeting and it's all like, you have one designer outfit that you paid way too much to wear to this meeting and everything is just a show. Like, you already are rich and famous

[Elna Baker]

when you are not at all. And. And so I get ready to go

[Elna Baker (continued)]

to the meeting and I remember I looked in this full length mirror and, you know, it was this like, moment of like, I have worked so hard over the years to get here. And I don't think, like, I thought. All I thought was like, I'm so tired. That was all I thought. And I left the meeting. And next thing you know, I'm in front of this, like, it's like eight executives on the other side of a table and I'm standing up there and I'm supposed to give this 15 minute pitch. And it's like, ellen, this is a

[Elna Baker]

Mormon girl who lives in New York

[Elna Baker (continued)]

and says yes, but then something she

[Elna Baker]

gotta say no to.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And as I'm saying this, I'm like doing that thing where, like, you're talking, but you're thinking a whole other thing in your head. So I'm like. And she says, yes to life, but

[Elna Baker]

no to sex and dread.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And as I'm saying this, I'm like, he can smell my vagina. She can smell my vagina.

[Elna Baker]

He's wondering what the that smell is. He knows it's my vagina. The whole room was like, what is the smell? Right? And so it ended and I left and like, they put like a temporary hold like they were gonna buy it. And then the deal fell through and I fly back to New York and

[Elna Baker (continued)]

guys, my vagina still smelled.

[Elna Baker]

It did not.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And like, I didn't have insurance, so I was like, ugh, all right, I just. I have to spend $300 to go to the gynecologist. And before I did that, I was like, okay, last ditch attempt. I'm gonna see if I can be

[Elna Baker]

my own gynecologist right now and figure this shit out.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

So this is a little bit as

[Elna Baker]

though this hasn't been gross already, guys. It might get a little gross. I don't know if you're ready for that.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

So I, you know, and I had,

[Elna Baker]

like, checked the oil, right? But, like, I hadn't. I was like, I'm gonna, like, boldly go where no man has gone before,

[Elna Baker (continued)]

you know, like up into the outer

[Elna Baker]

space, the dark void.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

I, like, stuck my hand up there and, like, got it up pretty high. And, like, also, like, does anyone know what it, like, ladies, do you know

[Elna Baker]

what it's supposed to feel like? You do?

[Elna Baker (continued)]

I don't know what it's supposed to

[Elna Baker]

feel like up there. It's just like a black hole, right? So I'm, like, feeling around. I don't know what I'm feeling for.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And I think I have my hand on, like, the inner wall of my vagina. And all of a sudden it moves. Like, it fucking moves.

[Elna Baker]

I know. And I pulled my hand out. So I was like, oh, baby, baby leg, baby leg. I touched a baby leg. Oh, my God. I touched a baby head. I just touched my baby leg. I don't know. I didn't know I had a baby. And I have a baby leg. And I think the baby's dead. Cause the baby smells really bad. I was, like, freaking out and I

[Elna Baker (continued)]

was like, you gotta go into.

[Elna Baker]

Girl, you gotta go back in. Like, we gotta find this. Find. Solve it Nancy Drew style. So I stuck my hand back in there and I got ahold of the baby foot and I started, like, slowly

[Elna Baker (continued)]

to pull it out, and I took it out and I. First of all, I do not know, like, there is literally no point in my memory when this could have happened. Maybe it happened a month or two earlier, but I lost a tampon. And I didn't know. And then probably had sex.

[Elna Baker]

And then it went further into that

[Elna Baker (continued)]

land, and then the sulfur water had been absorbed in it, and that's what

[Elna Baker]

the smell had been.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And I pulled that. And I'm not kidding. It was the worst. I started. I've only heard the expression to wretch.

[Elna Baker]

I was like. I was retching. And then I just started projectile vomiting. And I, like, threw it in the thing, like, flushed it down and was like, ugh. It was so the grossest thing that's ever happened in my whole life. And I immediately called my boyfriend because I was like. I called him.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

I was like, you are never gonna

[Amy Salloway]

believe what just happened.

[Elna Baker]

And I tell him all of this,

[Elna Baker (continued)]

and he's like, oh, thank God your

[Elna Baker]

pussy smells so bad. And he's like, I had to go down on that. And I was like, what? I was so mad. I was like, you lied to me. Like, he made me feel crazy. But at the same time, I do

[Elna Baker (continued)]

think that was the greatest gesture of

[Elna Baker]

love anyone has ever given anyone in all time. And so I went back and I, like, the cleaned the vomit up off, and then I just still felt dirty. So I took a bath. And I remember just soaking in this bath.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

It was probably the first time in a month and a half I had

[Elna Baker]

relaxed a little bit even. And I just suddenly hit me. How absurd.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

Like, after all the work, after everything,

[Elna Baker]

that this is the way it had ended.

[Elna Baker (continued)]

And then I realized, you know, at least I now know. If there's a part of me that doesn't want to make it, it's my vagina. Thank you.

[Elna Baker]

Before you go and leave this town,

[Awkwafina]

I want to see you one more time.

[Elna Baker]

SA.

[Kevin Allison]

That's it for this episode, folks. This is Goldfrap behind me now. And what you just heard from Elna Baker there is what a Risk live show sounds like. Come out and see one. To find out more about tickets and everywhere that Risk is happening next, go to risk-show.com tour. Remember to follow us on Twitter and Facebook riskshow and you can follow me on Twitter hekevinalison. Don't forget, if you'd like to learn more about storytelling, just go to thestorystudio.org we teach one on one over Skype. We have workshops in New York and Los Angeles. We do corporate workshops, and we have an online video lecture series with a workbook that you can do in your own time. That's [e-mail] folks, today's the day. Take a risk.

[Amy Salloway]

I love little pussy.

[Sleepy Podcast Narrator]

Sa.